check in

[Becca Kahn Bloch]

Hey guys,

Just a warning: this is going to be kind of long.

I wanted to check in with you guys re: how I'm feeling and thinking in terms of kvutzah and movement and aliyah. 

Let me start with what I'll be doing next year. I had planned on spending next year living with Sarah, thinking about aliyah and slumming it in LA. I had hoped that spending time with someone in my kvutzah would enable me to critically think about the movement, aliyah, and my place in all of it without being fully entrenched in movement life and structures, and thus "drinking the koolaid" and getting super hype about something without fully thinking it through. HOWEVER, I was recently offered a really awesome job by one of my art professors in Cleveland, and I decided to take it. She offered to pay me to be her studio assistant, and help me figure out if I want to pursue art professionally, by being a mentor to me and helping me with my own work and possibly assembling a portfolio for an MFA. It's really awesome that a professional artist wants to pay me to work for her—and not something that happens all the time. I mean, a grown-up adult wants to help me with her time, energy, and money. And given that being an artist is a really hard job, having an adult mentor is a priceless thing. So I decided that working for her—and interning at a fine arts printmaking press in Cleveland—was a really awesome opportunity that I shouldn't pass up. I've been thinking a lot about how art makes me really happy and fulfilled, and I want to try and pursue it. I know it might not work out. In fact, there's a really big possibility that it won't. But I feel like I owe it to myself to try. 

So that's what I'll be doing next year. But let me talk to you about how I'm feeling (FEELINGS!). I've noticed in the past four years that I've been missing something really big and important in my life: kvutzah. Or at least really important, fulfilling, challenging friendships. It's very possible that it's just been an issue in college—that people are really self-involved and you can't form really great relationships here. But it's something that I've definitely noticed. I don't have really amazing, challenging, important friendships in college. Freshman year I had this really insane friendship with this girl Emily and it was amazing until it wasn't and then it was super unhealthy. And then for a year and a half I dated Cora, hoping that she would be the answer to this loneliness that I felt. And in both instances—Emily and Cora—I tried to use a single relationship to fill the void I felt from the lack of kvutzah in my life. And in both instances it didn't work out because you can't have all of your interpersonal emotional fulfillment from a single relationship. Sometimes I think that I try to use things—girlfriends, fitness, art, frisbee—to fill that void. I hope that if I just put all of my effort and energy into this, it'll finally make me feel whole and fulfilled; it'll finally fill this empty void I've been feeling. 

I'm going to be honest: there are some things about kvutzah that I'm not super hype about. Sometimes living in a kvutzah is exhausting. And it definitely changes your dating life. And your ability to manage your own money. And have independence. But the amazing, fulfilling, challenging relationships that you form are so invaluable and something that I've really been missing. Like, a lot. I miss having someone to come home to at the end of the day who will not only ask how your day was, but really understand how events affect your life. I miss having people who challenge me, and who love me, and who do both freely. I miss having someone to be a witness to my life. I thought that all of this missing would be filled once I was in a romantic relationship, but that's not the case. You need more than that. At least, I do. I can't have all of that satisfied in one relationship. I need friends. Multiple friends. And real ones. Ones who won't just smile and be nice, but who will play an active role in my life. And I think kvutzah does that—I think it provides people with an interpersonal context to lead fulfilling lives. 

So I know that kvutzah can be something that is really good for me. But that still leaves me with movement issues and Israel issues. Even though I know that a kvtuzah is something that I'm SUPER down with, I'm not sure whether making garin aliyah is the right choice for me. I don't know if I want to move to Israel so far away from my family. And I don't know if I want to do "movement work" for the next however-many years. I also don't know if I could pursue being an artist while still living in a kvutzah. And part of me loves being an individual and having my own money and making my own decisions and being able to have nice things. But I do know that I care so much and so fiercely about my relationships, and about all of you. And that Israel is incredibly important to me. I truly, genuinely believe that it is our responsibility to take responsibility for the Jewish people, and part of that responsibility includes righting the wrongs made in our name in the foundation of—and subsequent running of—the state of Israel. I believe that.

Anyway, I don't know what I want to do. It's hard for me to make decisions because it's so easy for me to get excited about things. I can hype myself up about anything, so it makes me wary to "trust my gut" when I get excited about things. I don't know where to go from here, but hope that you (my kvutzah, and my madrichim) can help me with this path.

Love you all!

Becca

[Anna Yankelev]

Hey Becca,

Thanks so much for checking in... I think I can speak for all of us when I say how much it means for us to still be involved in one another's processing processes (double bingo). I'm so happy for you that you have found a way to pursue your passions with art--you're incredibly talented and will create wonderful things! I can definitely relate to what you said about having a void where kvutzah has been in the past, and I think that's something that many of us have struggled with and continue to struggle with. We spoke a little on ma'apilim seminar about structures that would join together those in Israel and those in North America in a collective and cohesive kvutzah process, and I think that your check-in highlights the importance of carrying out those structures (such as bi-monthly guided sichot and/or check-ins). I'm really looking forward to renewing our friendship/partnership and helping us both work towards goals that make us feel happy and fulfilled. You're a fucking champ.

Love you,

Anna

--
Anna Yankelev
Brandeis University 2013

Anthropology
Health: Science, Society and Policy

[Matan Naamani]

That is such an amazing opportunity! Congratulations, you must be really talented, huh?

I think that it sounds like there is a tension in your life right now between on the one hand being in the states with the degree of individuality and the art that makes you happy but worry that you might not be able to find relationships like you could in Israel, and on the other hand being in Israel and taking responsibility and having that void filled but not being able to fulfill your passions as an artist or your personal and individual needs. I clearly completely understand this feeling of not wanting to miss an opportunity to explore one of these options. and i agree with Anna, I think that the structures that were come up with during maapilim seminar will be really important while you do this. I don't think I added anything new here (I am SOO tired right now) but I just want you to know that I read this, it resonated, and I'm with you.

Love,

Matan

--

Matan Naamani

University of Michigan School of Public Health 2014

Health Behavior and Health Education

[Elissa Katz]

Heyyyy partners,

I'm here in the holy land and just thought I would give a quick update on the incredible two weeks I have had here. So to give a bit of context about how i was feeling before my flight i want to explain a little about DJ. So the past few months have been really rocky and hard because we both knew that our relationship was ending. I took that as "make these the best couple months eveR to enjoy the time we have together" and he took it as "our relationship has a dead end so I don't need to try anymore or put any effort in and lie and be a jerk" so to say the least our relationship ended with a really bad taste and im really angry about a lot Of things and more so just extremely hurt by him. So it was kindof a relief when I came here to Israel for my brothers wedding to get that off my mind.

Now the good stuff. The week leading up to the wedding was just so amazing. I have family here from Germany whom I see about every 6 or so years, and they're around my age so it's so great to reconnect with them. We did all sorts of touristy things like go to the Dead Sea, take tours of tel aviv (basic MBI stuff, just in Russian) (#ruskieMBI) so it's been really good. Also my cousins love clubbing so there was a good amount of that... My sister was having such a great time that she even extended her trip for three days! So unlike her but so magical.

My brothers new family is amazing, and has been reaching out to me so much over the last couple weeks. Offering me a place stay, jobs, babysitting gigs, towels, sheets, dishes etc for when we all come here. To say the least I feel incredibly supported about my decision to make Aliyah. I met with ofer last week for some Abu Hassan, saw Jacki yesterday and had dinner with Liron last night and it was really really nice to see them. Something that we talked about was the question of - are we coming here to move away from something or to move towards something - and I kindof want to talk about this idea more and I want to hear your thoughts. I feel like at the moment I'm escaping some things- such as my failed relationship, the society back home, the values that people around me in the states have, the pressures of getting a job/living an individual life. And I'm moving towards a more fulfilling lifestyle, a supportive environment, a feeling of purpose... Just some thoughts...

Anyways so last night was great. I went to visit the Aussie kvutza who is so great and extremely excited for us to come. (Also offered to help us get settled in with everything including bank stuff and furnature etc) I went with liron and it was a good thing too because their house is beautiful and In a great location and super cheap so i hope she took some notes :) i think i would be ok with living up the mountain now. Its not thaaaaat bad ;)

I'm staying now at the 56 house and I just can't tell you all how excited I am for next year. Being here is such a tease.. I just want you all to come NOW so we can start building a life here. But yah that's all for now. I'm leaving tomorrow night and going to the pride parade in tel aviv so I'm so excited and these next couple days are going to be pretty cool! I would really like it if you responded to this.. Sorry it's so long. Miss you all terrrrribly !

Elissa

[Eve Lifson]

Reading this made me so happy, Elissa! (Except for the DJ part. I think acting out was probably his way of dealing with the pain of the relationship ending. I really think you two will reconnect on better terms once you each have time and space). I think for most of us there are things we're running from as well as things we're running to (freedom from/freedom to??). I know it'll be important to me for us to really think about what it is we're running to and trying to create in our life in the yiz. I've been thinking about this a lot in the frame of happiness--what makes me happy, how can I incorporate those things into my life, and how can I include others and the things that are important to them.

I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed when I think about the fall. But hey, life changes are overwhelming.

Much love! 

--
Eve Lifson

Tufts University 2013

Peace and Justice Studies