Re: HALLO ALL

[Doctor Fab]

Hello All,

Hoping to find you in good health, this is a brief reminder of our projects:

Deadline for the 3 projects below:

1. Collection of TANKA — SEPTEMBER 30th;
2. Poetry on the theme "The FAMILY" — OCTOBER 31st;
3. POEMS for CHRISTMAS — NOVEMBER 10th *

* for project #3 the deadline must be absolutely respected to allow publication by December 15th

In attachment: "ABOUT TANKA" - file .doc

Best

F.

[Doctor Fab]

Hello ALL,

9/11 Anniversary... I just wrote a simple tanka to commemorate the 2,977 who died on this day, 20 years ago.

twenty years have passed
but the sorrow doesn't end
for those who bear it...

in a world* so divided
their names are spoken once more

[* I had chosen "in a country" divided" at first (referring to the US political situation), then I opted for "world", as that event resonated (and still resounds) around the world, which --like the US-- is even more divided today than it was in 2001]

It would be nice if others in our Group also shared a tanka on the same sybject.
Anyone likes to try?
Please, send your tanka to 'Group 8.TANKA' - email: 8-japanese-lyr...@googlegroups.com

When writing your tanka, remember to pay particular attention to the following points:

— A Tanka is a LYRIC poem (sort of a Song).

— A tanka is made up of TWO parts:

-- The UPPER POEM = the first 3 lines;
-- The LOWER POEM = the last 2 lines.
These 2 parts need to be cleverly juxtaposed.

It might be helpful to "see" them as follows:

Think of two steady, continuous streams, but juxtaposed.
Each part needs to be fluent.. so as to flow like a stream.

— Use 2 sentences (images / ideas) or fragments of sentences, not 3 or 4.

A 'tanka' of ONE full sentence is NOT a Tanka.

The same when multiple sentences/fragments are used: it becomes a 'LIST', NOT a Tanka.

— The pattern 5-7-5-7-7 is not a "must be"! Lesser syllables can be used.

Therefore, it makes no sense to insert words in the lines of the poem for the sole purpose of satisfying the '5 7 5 7 7' pattern.

[You can find more on TANKA POETRY in the attached file .doc]

Cheers

F.

[Doctor Fab]

Hi,

thanks for your contributions so far.

I think it might help to understand tanka poetry better if we exchange observations and suggestions about our verses.
Below, just a few considerations/suggestions, from my point of view:

1.

thousands got killed
when men found how to not love
in a hijacked plane —
where the victims have whispered
"I always love you babe"

(Sara)

In the Upper Poem, the 2nd and 3rd lines should be revised*, so as to better express the hatred and the reason for the hijacking. The Lower Poem provides a good juxtaposition, but it should start with "Yet" (not "where").

* Is there anyone who can help by offering a better sentence? 🙂

2.

controlled by terror
they interrupted their life
they buried alive
suddenly without reason
dreams died on despair desert
(Anna)

The upper poem is made of 2 sentences: the first 2 lines do not correlate well with the 3rd line.

The lower poem is well juxtaposed, but its end (despair desert) is not good.

Who can offer suggestions regarding the above remarks? 🤔

3.

 worlds of division
united as one
oh, sad time of times —
this atrocious attack
remembered by the mankind

(Lidia)

 

I confess I'm not used to the expression "time of times": its full meaning escapes me. Is it perhaps the same than the Latin expression "mala tempora currunt"? HELP ME! 😟

Although I am a.. man.. I prefer "humanity" (a term kinder to women) to "mankind" 🙂

4.

last prayers were choked
before iron wings crashed
on 9/11  —
sparrows flap above bowed heads
at the memorial site

(Annette)

Now, ending with "memorial site", this tanka is absolutely okay: Upper and Lower Poems are nicely juxtaposed.

5.

the river of love
flowing still out of my heart
sinks fast in the sand...
the stream fumbles and ends
before it can meet the sea

(Hans)

Also Hans's tanka is fine 👍

6.

you climbed a fall sky,

perfect blue peace, your breath hope,

each rising step light—

returned through odious smoke,

a black halo on the dead

(Steven)

In this poem, our friend (Steven Vogel, from Minnesota) used a few too many "fragments" [4 in the Upper P. +2 in the Lower Poem].

Then he modified it as below:

climb the perfect sky

breathing hope into blue peace,

each rising step light—

descend through odious smoke,

a black halo on us all

(Steven - modified)

This modified version can become a good tanka with a few small edits:

they climb the pure sky / breathing hope into blue peace, / each rising step light —

then they descend through foul smoke, / as black halo on us all

When reading Steven's verses (1st version), a traditional... haiku 😎 formed in my mind, based on two of his lines:

you climbed a fall sky

and returned through black smoke —

rubble of towers

As you know, although haiku and tanka are different genres, the HAIKU form [originally called 'hokku'] can be considered sort of a.. "child" 😁 of the older TANKA form (tanka --or waka-- originated about 1300 years ago).

The next project, early next year, will be a haiku anthology🙂

But now let's think about writing good TANKA!

Looking forward to reading your suggestions/contribution

Cheers

F.