Clumsy Luck

[fortunatedice]

I had a stroke of madness one evening that led to the creation of this one-shot. Perhaps it'll actually serve a purpose now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Startling news reached my ears last evening as I was relaxing in the house all by myself. A phone call, as it were, from my sister, who lived on the other side of town, had informed me that I needed to bring her a ring that she misplaced when she visited me last week. Sure did take her a while to remember.

That was not my concern, however. What was my concern was the fact that I had to leave the confines of my home. I am not an asocial shut-in, but recently, I've had much difficulty leaving my house for more than a few seconds. This is due to two factors, the first being the emergence of yukkuri. Not just any yukkuri, mind you, but just about every damn type of yukkuri one could imagine. I've known of these creatures for a while but only in the past month have they been showing up in my city.

The second factor is my unimaginable clumsiness around these creatures, and is the prominent reason as to why I am huddled up in my comfortable house away from the outside world. It is an absolute marvel how few yukkuri meet me and survive the encounter. What I may do to them is not done on purpose, however, I'm not an abyuser, nor a person who actively seeks out the companionship of yukkuri. It happens almost naturally, as though fate itself gives me a little push, which just so happens to move my foot on top of a victim of circumstance, in this case, a manju.

I've always been clumsy, however. Accidentally dropping glasses, slipping on everything imaginable, losing my balance constantly, bumping into strangers on the street, and so on. While frequent, these things have never surpassed my luck around yukkuri. It almost brings a tear to my eye knowing how many more of them must suffer from my clumsiness. They were not the only ones that suffered, however, as my clothes and dignity took far more damage then they did. You could argue that it doesn't matter; they're dead, I'm not, but the sheer embarrasment one can suffer from these occasions is a far worse fate than death, if you ask me.

Reluctantly, I put on some acceptable clothes, put the ring in my pocket, and slowly opened the door. Stepping out of my house, I turned around, locked the door, and took one step forward. I really wish I had a car, I thought to myself.

"Yu, mister, mister!"

My life flashed before my eyes. Already? So soon? This early? It took one single step from my front door for these balls of bean paste to knock on Hell's Gate? With worry in my heart I lowered my gaze to find none other than the most common specimens, a Reimu and a Marisa pair, with 2 children, also a Reimu and a Marisa.

"Take it easy!", they all shouted.

"Take it easy", I replied.

"Does mister have any sweet-sweets to give beautiful Reimu and Marisa?"

"Reimyu and Mawisha awe wewy gwood kwos! Gib us shweetz, wite now ish fine!"

Ah, I see. The polite shithead approach. Fascinating.

"I'd love to give you some but I have nothing on me right now, so if you'll excuse m-"

Before I could finish my sentence, I heard a splat sound. Ah yes, I thought. This is it. The beginning of the end. I took one more step forward, and what do you know, my luck is so perfect that it quite evenly crushed both of the kos. The parents were also dumbstruck by this turn of events.

"YUAAAAAAAAAAA! BWABBII-"

As much I would have liked to let the situation get even more out of hand, I crushed the parents before they could alert the entire neighbourhood. At the very least, I don't want them to suffer.

Another 10 minutes passed without much issue. Yet all good things come to an end, and so came to an end my peace when I saw an Alice and Patchouli pair walking with their kos on the sidewalk in front of me.

"Little ones are very city-sect, aren't they?"

"Indeed they are, mukyu. They will grow up to be very smart, I'm sure, mukyu."

"Mugyu! Mugyu! I wanna be shmart like mwommy!"

"I wanna be vewy shity-cect like dwaddy!"

This is fine, though. The sidewalk is pretty wide, I'm sure I can just go around them, and continue at a reasonable pace.

As I moved next to them, however, I noticed a large dog running towards me. By pure instinct, I was able to rotate my leg in such a manner that the dog completely missed me. Soon after the owner came to calm it down. Unfortunately, due to this maneuver of mine, the Patchy and Alice were both kicked onto the street. Where a car ran them over shortly after.

"Dwaddy? Whewe dich you go?"

"Mukyu? Mama?"

The best thing to do in these situations is to lower the suffering of the remaining yukkuri as much as possible. Unfortunatelly, this often meant killing them so that they wouldn't have to undergo a life without any help from their parents, if the survivors were babies or kos. If the survivors were adults, they'd be too stricken with grief in most situations to continue living a normal life. Either way, the koPatchy and koAlice were mercifully executed before reality struck their paste cores.

Another 15 minutes passed, and things were taking a very grim turn. If I wanted to make my way over to my sister's place, I had to pass through a very specific part of town. The one where rare types lived. At this point, only one attempt at opening a pet yu store occured, so most of the rares and normals were still strays. Fairly decent looking, but strays nonetheless.

Oh the horror, the unimaginable horror that these poor creatures will have to face. In fact, while thinking these things, I ended up stepping on a Chen's tails. A bit too hard, as they both came out, and paste started leaking from her lower body. Mercy kills inbound once more.

I turned the corner to be greeted by a large amount of yukkuri. An infestation, in fact. There was a lot of them, going from alley to alley, bouncing around, flying, and so on. They weren't all in one place though, so I wouldn't have to start a rampage if things got out of hand. I see a Cirno flying next to my head, letting out light Atai!s. Thinking it looked pretty cute, I let it rest on my hand, and pet it with the other. At first, it kept doing the same as before:

"Atai! Atai!"

Soon, however, my mistake became clear to me:

"Hot, hot! Melting, atai!"

When I took a closer look at it, I saw that half of the Cirno had already melted. So, instinctively, I let go of it. It descended to the ground, and made a splash.

Goddamnit, even when I want to be nice to them it ends horribly. I uttered a small prayer for the innocent Cirno, and entered the den of rare types.

3 minutes in and already things went wonderfully. I happened upon a Youmu type that was proudly carrying a toothpick in its mouth. A fairly large toothpick, at that. Unfortunately, my foot, always the harbinger of yukkuri's demise, hit the tip of the toothpick, causing it to stab the Youmu's paste core. I pronounced it dead a minute later. I keep this up I'll be responsible for a graveyard.

I noticed a baby Yukari a couple of feet in front of me, which unnerved me greatly due to my past encounters, so I decided to ignore it and think of something else, which wouldn't involve moving my feet. In that moment, I gazed upon the sun.

"Chake id eajy, mishter!"

The flaming giant in the sky seemed so calm to me then. A faraway giver of life that constantly loomed and watched over us. It looked as though it was at peace. Never before had the sun seemed so beautiful than in that one moment.

"Yu? Mishter did noch wetuwn my gweeting?"

I could feel its warmth on my skin at all times, despite it being so far away from me. It reminded me that I was still alive, that I still had things that I had to accomplish, that perhaps my clumsiness will not be the death of me.

"Yu! Mabye mishter did noch heaw me! I will gweech him pwopwey dish tyme!"

So close, yet so far away was the magnificent yellow ball of fire in the sky. I felt the need to reach out to it, so I extended my hand, and thought for a moment what it would be like if I could grasp it. Slowly, I began clenching my hand in an effort to find out.

*gap*

"CHAKE ICH EAJY, MISHTER!"

In a single moment, the shining smile and eyes of the baby Yukari glistened to perfection. Its tiny, soft body, combined with its frilly accessory, and the sun's beams behind her gave the image of a star that fell onto the Earth to show us all its beauty. And a moment later, it was all gone in my fist.

"YUBGYABUGHYAGA-"

The radiating eyes, filled with hope, turned to despair and bulged disgustingly out of their sockets, before flying out entirely. The smile contorted into a mesh of agony and disgust that I thought was only possible in the most frightening of nightmares. Its accessory crumpled and lost all the charm and flair it once possessed. All that remained of the Earth's shining star was a putrid pile of crushed eyeballs, dough, an ugly accessory, and a lot of natto.

"Jesus Christ." I said aloud. It seems that, the more I try to ignore them, the worse their deaths become. Holy fucking shit, I am glad that that poor thing's parents never have to see a sight like that.

After regaining my composure, the first thought that popped into my head was to go to a church and pray for a couple of hours in an attempt to get the image of that dying baby Yukari out of my mind. And maybe a bathroom, so that I could wash this fucking natto off of my hands.
While thinking this, I slipped on a frog, and fell with my entire bodyweight on a Suwako.

"YUBYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" yelled out a tiny baby Sanae next to a larger, adult Sanae, and around 5 or so baby Suwakos. Only a minute after that horrifying scene with the Yukari, I end up staining my shirt with marmalade, from what it looked like, and ruining the hopes, dreams and chances of decent lives for one now-widow adult Sanae, and 6 babies. Wonderful.

Reflecting on all the decisions I had made in my life prior, I was able to wipe most of the marmelade off my shirt, and for the first time let the surviving yukkuri live. After apologizing profusely and convincing them that it was a Deibu who lived in a cardboard box that killed the Suwako, of course.

This process proved to be a simple one, as I went into a nearby alley, picked up a Reimu in a cardboard box, brought it over to the family and asked it what its opinion of the now-deceased Suwako was. Upon uttering the words "Yu, Suwako was a very uneasy yukkuri! All other uneasy yukkuri should follow her example!", the family and I descended upon the creature like demons. Nothing was left of it a moment after, and my name was cleared, albeit immorally, one could argue.

Upon further introspection, however, it became increasingly clear that they wouldn't be able to live like this. A single mother Sanae couldn't protect 6 babies and find food for them by herself. Recognizing this, I quickly turned to end their miserable existences. To my surprise, they were talking to a woman who was watering her flowers with a Yuka, and contrary to all belief and common sense, she actually took them in. Thank God I wasn't nearby to fuck everything up.

This was it, I was nearing the end of the rare type infested part of town, and I was getting close to my sister's house. It would all be over soon.

Then it showed up. Right in front of me, on the ground, it bounced up and down with joy, as its wings fluttered in the breeze. In that moment I knew it was all over.

My eyes could no longer see, my ears could no longer hear, my skin could no longer feel. I could not breath, nor could I speak, nor could I move.

It was an Utsuho. An honest-to-God living breathing Utsuho. This was the big one. The real challenge. If I fuck up here, and get it killed, or even annoy it in any way, shape or form, this entire street would be wiped out. All life in this area would cease to exist for God knows how long. I can't afford to be clumsy here.

"Take it easy!" said the walking nuclear bomb.

"Take it easy!" I reply.

"Is mister a person who can take it easy?" asks the future creator of the second Chernobyl.

"Yes, mister can take it very easy!"

"Yu! Okuu is happy to have found such an easy mister!"

"What do you need, Okuu?"

"Yu, Okuu needs you to pet her!"

Is this thing serious? That's like asking me to jump inside a nuclear power plant. Utsuhos release a small amount of radiation around their bodies, which hopefully won't lead to an agonizing and slow death later down the line if I am exposed to it.

I bend down, and pet the raven of destruction on the head a couple of times.

"So, why do you want me to pet you?"

"Yuyu, Okuu has never been pet by anyone! Okuu has never rub-rubbed either! Everyone looks like they're afraid of Okuu! Even the super-easy Rin who lives next to Okuu!"

"Ah, I see. Well, I hope you enjoy your first petting."

Holy shit this is ridiculous, the words that are coming out of my mouth are so irredeemably stupid it hurts.

"Yu, thank you mister!"

"No problem, Okuu."

Finally, I have escaped with my life! No clumsy accidents, no kicking, no stomping, no melting, nothing! Finally, for once in my life, I didn't ruin everything!
 
I was now right in front of my sister's house. It was over. My journey was finally at an end. I had survived, yet I had killed 12 yukkuri. Poor bastards. Maybe they'll take it easier in the afterlife.

After giving her back her ring, my sister invited me in to have a nice chat over a cup of coffee. As she was walking towards her kitchen, she accidentally squashed a Wriggle, that was wriggling around on the floor. This only served to spawn a myriad of baby Wriggles from their mother's corpse, which was crushed upon my sister exiting her kitchen, and only then did she notice the 10 or so dead Wriggles on the floor. She felt pretty bad about it, I'd say. Guess clumsiness runs through my whole family.

Then I noticed a Momiji bouncing around my sister, with a badge on its head.

"Oh, right, I forgot to tell you, I found this cute little thing all by itself in the park and decided to take it in as a pet! Isn't it just the most adorable yukkuri you've ever seen?"

"Awyuuu, take it easy, mister!"

It all makes sense now. God has been testing me this entire time. Every single dried up, lifeless, abhorrent yukkuri husk that was created due to my actions was done so to test my will. Nothing more than a gauntlet, designed for the Lord to see whether I had in me what it takes to overcome hardship, one even as small as yukkuri troubles. Perhaps he is making fun of me through this trial. Yet it appears that despite my "convincing" the Utsuho, he is still not pleased with my performance.
 
"How nice. Take it easy." I say to the Momiji.

The wheel of fate keeps on a spinnin'. If it has decided that ruin is all that should be present in my future, then I am powerless to stop it. All that remains is the small bit of hope that I possess free will, and as such can make sure that no harm comes to this Momiji. For if it does, my relationship with my only surviving family member will be destroyed.

...

Thankfully, all went well. The Momiji is still among the living, only one additional yukkuri met its end, and the relationship between me and my sister is as stable as it was before the visit. My clumsiness subsided for a moment, as nothing extraordinary had happened. The Momiji was also surprisingly cute, as it mostly hopped around shouting "Awyu! Awyu!" like the most innocent thing on the planet.

My sister, however, had noticed a Yamame in the living room corner, and opted to crush it. I assumed that she had mistook it for a spider, at first, as I know that she despises spiders, yet she tells me that it was quite intentional what she did.

"Don't you like yukkuri, though?" I asked. "You seemed awfully sad about that Wriggle a moment ago."

"I do, but I do not offer mercy to spiders. A yukkuri it may be, but it acts as if it were a spider, and that's justification enough." she replied.

"I see. Interesting explanation."

After saying our goodbyes, I was standing outside of her house. Then it hit me.

How could I have been so stupid? How could I have forgotten that, after finishing all this business with my sister, I had to make my way back home? It's still day time, I can already see yukkuris everywhere, and I still had no car.

No choice, then. I started at a faster pace than when I left my own house and decided to try and ignore as many yukkuri as possible in the hopes that they will not die horribly.

As I began passing through the rare type zone, I noticed a fellow crouching in front of a horribly mutilated baby Yuuka's corpse, as an adult Yuuka and Chen puffed and cried. There was also a lone Yuuka-Chen hiding behind its parents, obviously very scared. Already going back on my word, I went over to the crouching man and asked:

"Are you sure you should be doing that?"

"Got a problem with it?" was the retort.

I put some thought into it for a moment. I have never been for or against yukkuri abyuse, and yet I was drawn to ask that question. Is it perhaps because it was a rare type in question? Chens aren't especially rare, but Yuukas and Yuuka-Chens specifically are quite rare, even by this area's standards. Do rare types draw more attention merely because they are rare? No doubt, if they were as common as any old Reimu or Marisa, this would be nothing new. Makes for an interesting topic, I suppose.

Thinking for a moment about the situation itself, I came to a conclusion.

"Nah, do whatever you want."

"Wha? You serious?"

"Yeah. Go ahead. They aren't pets though, are they?" A foolish move, to try and ask a question like this to an abyuser who is most likely to lie about it.

"Nah man, as stray as stray can be."

"Then I'll be going."

For some odd reason I never liked Yuukas much. Maybe its their lack of any true accessories, or their insane defensiveness over flowers, but they never really clicked with me enough to help them out in a situation like this. That, and knowing myself, I'd probably get them all killed anyway.

Shortly after I was out of rare type territory. I had seen a bodied Nitori inside a giant aquarium next to a house, staring at me with its wide-open eyes, looking as though it was going to drag me into the abyss, and that was the point when I realized that sticking around here was not worth it. So, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me.

The rest of the journey back to my home was not worth mentioning. A Reimu there, a Marisa here, a raper Alice "having fun" in an alley, and so on. All normal occurences. A real shame that none of them survived the encounters.

However, I did notice a fellow with a bodied Patchouli in an alleyway. Thinking that it was very interesting to see a bodied Patchy, I took a few steps, but was shocked to notice that they were in this alley in order to perform indecent acts with one another. I would have filmed it, but I have not fallen so low just yet.

Finally, at long last, it was over! I unlocked the door, and once again entered the safety and comfort of my own home. Thank God! The nightmare had concluded, with a total of 16 deceased yukkuri. A shame about them, but I'm sure the afterlife will be kinder. Somewhat.

...

Startling news reached my ears in the evening. The doorbell rang. Who could it possibly be? And why is he ringing in such a strange manner? I hear it for half a second, then it stops, then a second later I hear it again. What kind of madman rings doorbells like that?

As I began to open the door, a chill went down my spine. I didn't know why until I had opened it.

In front of me, floating softly in place, was an Utsuho. Not any Utsuho, rather, it was the one that wanted desperately for me to pet it. How I recognized it is yet still a mystery to me. As I stood there dumbfounded, it started:

"Yu! Take it easy, mister!"

Then it slowly flew into my home. My wonderful, beautiful, warm and cozy little home, now doomed to a den of nuclear fallout.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked it.

"Okuu wants to live with mister!" was the reply.

The wheel of fate keeps on a spinnin'. There was nothing I could do but express my shock in the most basic form:

"What? Are you fucking with me?!"

"Yu, Okuu really likes mister! Okuu wants mister to pat her every day!"

Well, I had no real choice in the matter. If I killed it, the entire neighbourhood would be destroyed. The same would happen if I annoyed it in any way. I could only sacrifice myself for the greater good, and fulfill its wishes.

"Alright, fine, you can stay with me."

"Ya~y! Okuu will be kind to mister!"

I can already see myself in the hospital a few months from now, dying an agonizing death from too much exposure to radiation. But it's a risk I have to take. To save everyone from a horrible fate.

Then again, its sorrow over my death in the near future could cause it to explode anyway.

Fuck.

It was also in this moment that it occured to me, perhaps, that it was not clumsiness that has led me into these situations, rather, it was bad luck.

Fuck.
 
There is no winning with yukkuri.

[Rakuro Kamigami]

I haven't commented here in awhile, though I've been planning to read various works here.

But this lil fic is enough to send me back here and laugh at this man's clumsiness.

Poor Brother-kun. His sacrifice is not in vain. Probably should've warned people about the Okuu though

[Thomas the Dank Engine]

This guy better be eating that prussian blue like candy. If he began to feel sick after a couple of minutes around her he probably already experience 30R. I'm hoping it's just cesium or something else than Plutonium or he's gonna have to face facts and die.