Please critique my ESSAY
Macabre79
Hello all. I would be quite appreciative if you would share your sentiments
with regards to this essay of mine. I'm using it for the common application,
and am sending it to about 7 schools using it, and am also using it for some
schools that don't use the common application but provide open ended prompts.
Anyhow, any response would be quite helpful.
Here it is:
Discuss an issue of international concern and its importance to you.
It was easy to empathize with Andy Dufresne and the other prisoners in The
Shawshank Redemption—as they suffered in their prison cells, I suffered while
watching the movie. It was not because I disliked the film—far from it. But
while the prisoners in the movie were serving their sentences in Shawshank
Prison, I served my own three hour sentence for drinking five cups of fruit
punch before entering the theatre. When the credits finally began to scroll, I
strode quickly to the men's room, opened the door and found, to my dismay,
that all seven urinals were already occupied.
Well, not exactly. There were only four people using the urinals— a person at
every other one. Although there was a considerable line of guys eagerly
awaiting the opportunity to relieve themselves, the three odd urinals remained
unused. I did not dare to use one of the unoccupied urinals. Instead, I waited
my turn along with the two dozen other men ahead of me. I reached the urinal a
scant few seconds before losing control.
Why is it that the middle urinals in men’s restrooms remain tacitly
forbidden? Whether a set of urinals is in an executive washroom or in the train
station’s public washroom, no man dares to use a urinal located next to a
urinal in use. There seems to be no rational explanation for this, and it
bothers me that this issue is given so little attention. Some men claim they
"just want a bit of privacy." An understandable reason, to be sure, but it
lacks substantiation. In the men's restroom of a particular gym close to my
home, there are 3 urinals. As one might expect, the middle urinal remains
unused. If privacy is the reason for this, why do the men at the gym shower
together? There are no barriers whatsoever in the showers, nor are the urinals
separated from the shower room. On busy days, all shower heads are used, and
these same men who shower together refuse to relieve themselves while standing
next to one another. So much for the "privacy" excuse.
The issue is even more confounding when one learns that this is an
international phenomenon. The every-other-one rule is not limited to developed
countries where public restrooms are common; my father grew up in a tiny
village in India and told me that Indian men relieve themselves at every other
tree, even though there is plenty of distance between adjacent trees. The whole
situation becomes even more ludicrous when it is learned these same men bathe
together in the river!
Granted, there is a high degree of levity in an issue such as this. But when
one considers how many people suffer on a daily basis, we move from amusement
to acute discomfort. Undoubtedly, men can empathize with each other, for we all
know the feeling of squeezing our legs together and hopping from foot to foot
while waiting for an isolated urinal to become available. Women must surely
understand the agony of waiting—there are always ridiculously long lines in
front of women’s restrooms.
This issue is not one I alone deem important; it has probably crossed the
mind of nearly every person who has ever had to wait. The primary reason for
its importance to me can be stated simply: waiting for facilities is decidedly
uncomfortable. It is absurd that I, as well as nearly every male who has ever
used a public facility, must suffer from holding it in when there is an unused
urinal in the restroom; I would make a brazen attempt to use this urinal, but I
fear the incredulous looks my bathroom comrades would give me.
The every-other-one rule piques my curiosity not only because of its lack of
substantiation, but because it is an excellent reflection of humanity's other
quirks. Why is it that we lock our car doors while keeping the windows rolled
down? Why do we push the "up" button on the elevator control pad immediately
after seeing someone else push it? If I can find out why it is socially
unacceptable to stand next to another man while in the rest room, maybe the
elusive answers to the rest of these imponderable questions will also become
apparent. Until then, I will only watch movies with generous intermissions.
**************************************************************************
"I still believe I cannot be saved"
**************************************************************************
Deena
>I would be quite appreciative if you would share your sentiments
>with regards to this essay of mine.
impress my peers.
Now about the essay. I liked the topic you've chosen. I found it
interestingm-gm, and I doubt anybody else would think of the same subject to
write:).
The overall organization of the essay works, but I had to read the beginning
twice before I understood what you meant. Also check every paragraph for a
main idea - it's not always clear what it is. A technical suggestions:
don't shift from "one" to "we" ("when one considers how many people suffer
on a daily basis, we move from amusement to acute discomfort."); in the next
sentence there's the same problem.
Also... When you say that you are afraid to break the tradition, it sounds
as if you said that you are not strong enough to be unconventional.
Well, it seems that it's all I have to say.
Good luck,
Deena
RH 017
To Macabre79:
I think this essay is very well written, and it's unique approach says
something about you - humorous and creative. However, its content should be of
some concern to you. While I, personally, think is funny, I will not be
reading your paper for admission. Instead, the admissions officers may not
think the subject matter is appropriate, which will hurt your chances. Stated
simply, It is my opinion that this paper is a risk. Some people are willing to
take the risk, others are not.
You should give this some careful thought, as you are using the essay on
the common application for 7 schools, and even on some other applications, as
you mentioned. You do not want to anger 7+ schools, let alone 1. Of course,
the admissions committe may not take it this way at all, and love the creative
approach that you took, as well as the humor involved. Therefore, you must
make your own unbiased judgement.
I encountered a similar problem. I wrote an essay, initially, on
something I thought was rather funny and creative. Upon showing this to my
parents and guidance counseler, however, I was told it was too much of a risk.
I was very angry and frustrated, as I loved my essay. But applying early
decision to a school so important to me, I realized: So far, people I have
asked think this is a risk, although I don't. Why wouldn't the admissions
committe think it to be a risk as well? If so, was I willing to take chances?
Ultimately, I toned it down a bit, and now I am editing it even more for my
other schools, since I am using the common application for 6 schools.
I understand in your case it would be difficult to "tone it down," since
the "risky material" makes up your whole paper. Therefore, you have two
choices in my opinion: 1) Use it, take the risk, or 2) Create a whole new
essay. Although the second choice doesn't seem too appealing, it be necessary
and worth the time and effort.
Also, is this really "an issue of international concern?" I understand
that you are making it one, as you attempt to show examples in later paragraphs
(although India is the only example I saw, which, to me, is inadaquate). If I
am correct, that is one of three topics for the personal statement on the
common application. However, the common also gives you some flexibility in
that it says: "write about one of the following three topics or any topic you
wish" - or something to that extent. Thus, since you can write about "any
topic you wish," perhaps this is what it should be, rather than "an issue of
international concern." So if you are planning on writing the question on the
top of the page, make it a "personal topic," rather than one of the ones
listed.
My two cents....
Ryan
Amy Wightman
that essay on urinals was quite different. maybe I can't relate because
i am a woman but, I dont think I would use that to apply for college. I
am a senior in college right now so I am understanding of the pressure
of getting in to college and it wasnt a bad essay, but keep it for a
freshman english assignment. dont be mad at my comments, i just dont
want to see you get denied to the college of your choice. good luck!!!!
Rich Chen
Macabre79 (maca...@aol.com) wrote:
: strode quickly to the men's room, opened the door and found, to my dismay,
: that all seven urinals were already occupied.
Now that's passive voice. :) But better than, "that people already occupied
all seven urinals," mainly because the subjects don't really matter.
: one considers how many people suffer on a daily basis, we move from
: amusement to acute discomfort. Undoubtedly, men can empathize with each
: other, for we
As someone else pointed out, you're following "one" with "we."
: The every-other-one rule piques my curiosity not only because of its lack
: of substantiation, but because it is an excellent reflection of
I'm not sure "substantiation" is the word you want here. Maybe
"justification"? Or even better, in my opinion, "not only because it
makes no sense."
: unacceptable to stand next to another man while in the rest room, maybe the
: elusive answers to the rest of these imponderable questions will also
: become apparent. Until then, I will only watch movies with generous
Two picky gripes here: some prescriptivists insist that "apparent"
should be used only when it means "appearing so but not necessarily
true." Just to be safe, I would use "evident."
The other thing: "only" should be placed as close as possible to the word it
modifies--in this case, before "movies." Sounds stiff, I know. But in
some cases, a misplacement can lead to confusion. For example, "We only
go out to eat when we win."
Does that mean that you go out to eat *every time* you win? That is,
you are in some way compelled to go out to eat after you win? Or does it
mean that the only time you go out to eat is when you win? If you mean the
latter, it should say, "We go out to eat only when we win."
-Rich
Pimpbot700
While I agree that the essay topic is a bit of a risk, I found it extremely
creative and funny. It is one of the few essays posted on the newsgroup that I
didn't just scan....I actually read it. I don't think the admissions officer
would be too offended... In every essay book I've ever read, they say the same
thing "Tha admissions officer's read (fill in the blank) amount of essays a
fay. Make yours satnd out" You've definitly have taken care of that aspect. My
suggestion - go with it.
Michelle
Charles Lin
Come to think of it, I do recall reading something similar in
a Dave Barry book. I believe the comments near the beginning said
something like "If you explain this to a woman, they will never
understand why guys do this, but all guys know what I'm talking about".
In essence, part of the humor of the essay relies on the knowing
recognition that guys have on the subject matter, that it's something
they subconciously do, and when it is pointed out to them, it is
both humorous and insightful.
Presumably, such an essay would go over much more easily with
a male reader (which one is probably more likelt to encounter) than
a female one. I suppose women could complain about the long
lines outside the women's room, and men would have a harder time
understanding that (has to do with the average time women spend
in the bathroom being longer than the average time for a male, and
not purely due to "powdering up" and dawdling).
I don't know if essays can make or break an application. Any
essay that "makes" an application has a potential to be seen as
ho-hum or less by another reader. For example, someone well
versed in American mannerisms and culture might be able to
appreciate a humorous essay, and someone who isn't (foreign-born
readers, as a possibility) might not be able to understand it.
I happen to like the humorous approach only because so many
essays tend to be so self-important, and yet the essay either
sounds arrogant, or strangely unnatural, as if the person being
described was a caricature, not a real person. What works about
the essay is its observations about male behavior. But it works
only if one can really feel a sense of familiarity with the
situation. In addition, it's not as if the urinal idea has not
been used before (I've seen a "test" that asks the readers where
they will stand given where others are at a urinal, and gives
explanations for why guys will pick certain urinals, as well
as the Dave Barry story mentioned), though it's still uncommon
enough that most readers probably won't have read it, and still
it's written with the author's voice.
--
Charles Lin
cl...@cs.umd.edu
AsiaSunset
The likely response to this essay by an admissions committee is "Your In".
Joe Masters
AsiaSunset wrote:
> The likely response to this essay by an admissions committee is "Your In".
What, my friend, is an "In" ? But seriously, I think they'd use correct
spelling.
Huat Chye Lim
This is a brilliant essay, prose-wise. It flowed perfectly; it was
error-free; it grabbed my attention and I laughed out loud and loved it. But
as someone said, how appropriate this essay is is another concern. I fail to
see how this essay reflects *you*, as a person. It's a hell of a good piece
of writing--but when all is said and done, you've left your personality
unexposed.
One reply recommended that you rewrite the essay to reduce the risk of the
essay being inappropriate, in terms of how much of you it reflects. I think
you should seriously consider this. What admissions officers look for in
essays, after all, is a portrait of yourself which could not be presented
elsewhere on the application. While this may be a brilliant essay, it is
unlikely that an admissions officer in a highly competitive school would
admit you based on the merit of your essay on urinals in place of another,
similarly-qualified applicant who wrote a less-polished essay--but focused
it on himself/herself.
Alternatively, you could somehow work a portrait of yourself into the essay.
Instead of merely writing about how international norms dictate that only
alternate urinals be used, consider writing about your perspectives on these
international norms? Do you think, for example, that international concerns
such as this one reflect basic human nature? Or do they represent the
general superficiality of the modern world? If so, write it down.
Grammar-wise, I have two nits to pick. One, in place of "an executive
washroom or in the train station’s public washroom," consider using "an
executive washroom or in the public washroom of a train station." Expanding
the contraction makes the sentence less awkward; using "a" in place of "the"
makes the sentence parallel ("an executive washroom" is parallel with "a
train station," not "the train station"). Two, when you write
Some men claim they "just want a bit of privacy." An understandable reason,
to be sure, but it lacks substantiation.
the second sentence is a fragment. In place of a period separating the two
sentences, consider using a colon.
Again, this is a brilliant essay and, if I could admit you based on the
charm and polish of your writing alone, I would. Unfortunately, you should
remember that that's not always the case.
Huat Chye
Macabre79 wrote in message
<19971121082...@ladder02.news.aol.com>...
>Hello all. I would be quite appreciative if you would share your
sentiments
>with regards to this essay of mine. I'm using it for the common
application,
>and am sending it to about 7 schools using it, and am also using it for
some
>schools that don't use the common application but provide open ended
prompts.
>
>Anyhow, any response would be quite helpful.
>
>Here it is:
>
>Discuss an issue of international concern and its importance to you.
>
>It was easy to empathize with Andy Dufresne and the other prisoners in The
>Shawshank Redemption—as they suffered in their prison cells, I suffered
while
>watching the movie. It was not because I disliked the film—far from it. But
>while the prisoners in the movie were serving their sentences in Shawshank
>Prison, I served my own three hour sentence for drinking five cups of fruit
>punch before entering the theatre. When the credits finally began to
scroll, I
>strode quickly to the men's room, opened the door and found, to my dismay,
>that all seven urinals were already occupied.
>one considers how many people suffer on a daily basis, we move from
amusement
>to acute discomfort. Undoubtedly, men can empathize with each other, for we
all
>know the feeling of squeezing our legs together and hopping from foot to
foot
>while waiting for an isolated urinal to become available. Women must surely
>understand the agony of waiting—there are always ridiculously long lines in
>front of women’s restrooms.
> This issue is not one I alone deem important; it has probably crossed the
>mind of nearly every person who has ever had to wait. The primary reason
for
>its importance to me can be stated simply: waiting for facilities is
decidedly
>uncomfortable. It is absurd that I, as well as nearly every male who has
ever
>used a public facility, must suffer from holding it in when there is an
unused
>urinal in the restroom; I would make a brazen attempt to use this urinal,
but I
>fear the incredulous looks my bathroom comrades would give me.
>The every-other-one rule piques my curiosity not only because of its lack
of
>substantiation, but because it is an excellent reflection of humanity's
other
>quirks. Why is it that we lock our car doors while keeping the windows
rolled
>down? Why do we push the "up" button on the elevator control pad
immediately
>after seeing someone else push it? If I can find out why it is socially
>unacceptable to stand next to another man while in the rest room, maybe the
>elusive answers to the rest of these imponderable questions will also
become
Macabre79
>Subject: Re: Please critique my ESSAY
>From: Joe Masters <tr...@trentsoft.com>
>Date: Tue, Nov 25, 1997 15:28 EST
>Message-id: <347B34ED...@trentsoft.com>
I would much prefer "you are in", but "Your In" (a play on the word URINE?")
would do.
--Andy
AsiaSunset
>>AsiaSunset wrote:
> The likely response to this essay by an admissions committee is "Your In".
What, my friend, is an "In" ? But seriously, I think they'd use correct
spelling.<<
Joe -I thought this spelling would make the attempt at humor more obvious. You
got it, but, with this newsgroup, one never knows.
Seriously though - a note to Macabre: I was surprised by some of the input you
received. This essay is a definite loser. It trivializes the entire admissions
process. In an attempt to "take a walk on the wild side", you are taking a
significant risk that has little chance of pay back. Admissions committees
have to decide among too many that are qualified. This is a no brainer in that
respect. It provides a reason for them to reject you and very little reason for
them to accept you. If you are intent on demonstrating that you are an
unconventional thinker (which might be attractive to a school), there are so
many more interesting and positive ways to demonstrate that quality other than
writing about your observations of the bathroom habits of the general public.
This essay will definitely piss somebody off, sending your chances of
admissions straight to the bottom of the bowl.
Deena
Asia Sunset wrote:
>If you are intent on demonstrating that you are an
>unconventional thinker (which might be attractive to a school), there are
so
>many more interesting and positive ways to demonstrate that quality other
than
>writing about your observations of the bathroom habits of the general
public.
Like what? Would you be so kind to give me an example?
Macabre79
>them to reject you and very little reason for
>unconventional thinker (which might be attractive to a school), there are so
>many more interesting and positive ways to demonstrate that quality other
>than
>writing about your observations of the bathroom habits of the general public.
>admissions straight to the bottom of the bowl.
>
>
>
I respect your opinion. I believe that some will be offended by my
essay. But, on the other hand, I believe some will like it, as has been
demonstrated.
Nonetheless, I do think you are a bit extreme in your analysis. I don't see
why someone would reject me solely based on my essay; i do see where my chances
could be greatly enhanced with the appreciation of my essay, especially since I
am a mediocre candidate at many of the schools I am applying to.
--Andy
**************************************************************************
"I still believe I cannot be saved"
Visit my homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/Library/
2201/index.html
Charles Lin
Macabre79 (maca...@aol.com) wrote:
|| >them to reject you and very little reason for
|| >them to accept you. If you are intent on demonstrating that you are an
|| >unconventional thinker (which might be attractive to a school), there are so
|| >many more interesting and positive ways to demonstrate that quality other
|| >than
|| >writing about your observations of the bathroom habits of the general public.
|| >This essay will definitely piss somebody off, sending your chances of
|| >admissions straight to the bottom of the bowl.
|| >
|| >
|| >
|| I respect your opinion. I believe that some will be offended by my
|| essay. But, on the other hand, I believe some will like it, as has been
|| demonstrated.
|| Nonetheless, I do think you are a bit extreme in your analysis. I
|| don't see why someone would reject me solely based on my essay; i do
|| see where my chances could be greatly enhanced with the appreciation
|| of my essay, especially since I am a mediocre candidate at many of the
|| schools I am applying to.
I can sort of see where the criticism is coming from. It
stems from, again, who is reading the essay. Presumably, if
the admissions committee were a stodgy, serious kinds of people,
they would consider bathroom habits as not becoming of someone
trying to get to the higher levels of education. In other words,
it might not do as an application to a country club, filled with
rich snooty people, and to the extent that admissions process
is somehow similar, then the essay *might* be seen in the negative.
On the other hand, I think a more "appropriate" essay could be
boring, and not make the essay stand out. It's not as if
you are writing an essay advocating the positive aspects of racism
(which, even if very well written, might still make the reader
unhappy).
The criticism is, in many ways invalid, because it suggests
that all people who read this will get the same reaction, and
that's hardly true, esp. since many readers in this newsgroup
have had a moderate to positive reaction. Essays, short of
being extremely bland, are going to offend (or bore) some
readers and enthrall others. The idea is to enthrall more
often than offend.
--
Charles Lin
cl...@cs.umd.edu
AsiaSunset
Come on, Charles - you don't have to be stodgy to think this is a less than
appropriate topic for a college application. How do you think the typical
admissions committee at a top level school is composed? At UPenn for example,
an application goes through a first level reading. Often this is a younger,
more junior person. It then gets read by a sub committee, and ultimately by the
full committee. At each stage of the game, someone has to make a case for
admissions. If I'm a young admissions officer at Penn (and there are many more
qualified applicants than places available for admissions) I can assure you I'm
not going to champion the cause (especially in front of Dean Stetson and the
full committee) of an applicant who has chosen to write about "why people don't
like to urinate next to others in public bathrooms". You don't have to be a
rocket scientist to figure this one out.
Reread the essay. It is provocative in subject matter choice only. It is not
profound in any sense.
Every year I get to read the essays of the applicants for Penn that I do alumni
interviews for. Normally that's around 15 each year. The good ones are the
subtle ones that are both revealing and reserved. The best one I ever read was
one entitled "Fishing with My Father". It was brilliant in its simplicity, yet
effectively detailed the evolution of a very complex human relationship (e.g. a
father and son) over time. This year I interviewed two kids for ED whose essays
were almost as good. In all cases, the essays answered the question, were well
written and had appropriate subject matter. They were not boring.
When Macabre first posted this essay, I thought he was putting us on. He may
still be. If he isn't, he has taken a very big risk which I hope he has time
to rectify in his other applications
Macabre79
By the way, I did bring my essay with me to my Rice interview, and my
interviewer could not stop laughing as he read it. At least I know I have one
admissions officer on my side.
Charles Lin
AsiaSunset (asias...@aol.com) wrote:
|| Come on, Charles - you don't have to be stodgy to think this is a less
|| than appropriate topic for a college application. How do you think
|| the typical admissions committee at a top level school is composed? At
|| UPenn for example, an application goes through a first level
|| reading. Often this is a younger, more junior person. It then gets
|| read by a sub committee, and ultimately by the full committee. At each
|| stage of the game, someone has to make a case for admissions. If I'm a
|| young admissions officer at Penn (and there are many more qualified
|| applicants than places available for admissions) I can assure you I'm
|| not going to champion the cause (especially in front of Dean Stetson
|| and the full committee) of an applicant who has chosen to write about
|| "why people don't like to urinate next to others in public
|| bathrooms". You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure this one
|| out.
I could defer to your greater experience, since you actually
review essays, and while there are issues that probably shouldn't
be broached on an essay (anything where a crime is committed),
you can see the kinds of essays that have been written in the
group. I find many of them quite ordinary.
On the one hand, this is not a profound essay. On the other,
none of the essays have been terribly profound. It goes to show
that many, many essays are pretty ordinary (and some even less than
that). The reason I think the essay works, in its own way, is
because it relies on observation. A lot of humor relies on
the person listening to be able to recognize their behavior in
what is being said, and it's often the ability to relate to this
that there is humor involved.
You can say, it's this surprising topic that makes the essay
interesting (or possibly shocking, and thus inappropriate), and
beyond that, there is nothing interesting in it. I can argue
the opposite. That perhaps you are letting the idea of where
men stand in the urinals detract from the observations it makes.
Here is a sociological behavior among American men that no one
has been told about. No one is told about bathroom etiquette
(other than the occasional lid on the toilet being up or down),
certainly not in this manner, and yet this behavior has occurred,
and it's interesting to point out. I can see where you might
say it's due to the provocative nature of the subject matter that
makes it interesting. An essay about, say, why no one seems
to be able to stare at one another in an elevator would probably
sound boring.
Nevertheless, just because it's provocative does not equate
it to being bad. For instance, consider the movies Fargo and
Pulp Fiction. Both rely on violence to get its impact. Can
Scorcese or Tarantino or the Coen Brothers make a decent movie
if there is no one killed in the movie? Maybe, maybe not.
And yet without it, the impact of the movie is certainly lessened.
Perhaps it's sad that this is true, but the movies work better
with the violence in it.
So, why is it interesting? Partly because, of all the essays,
it's one that is observation based. Many tell things that the
writer has *done*, or their attitudes. This one tries to make
an observation, and thus reflects something about how the writer
*thinks*. Alas, as I've pointed out before, he's not the first
person to point this out, and at the point where everyone recognizes
this as familiar, it begins to lose its effectiveness. Secondly,
which essay amongh the ones posted have you liked? If you had
to go through the 5-6 essays that have been posted, I'd have to
put it in the top 2. This may say a lot about how few essays
I get to read. Perhaps with 30-40 essays, I'd find something I'd
like a lot better. In any case, I think I could make some argument
for this essay, that it's not solely based on being about bathrooms
and toilets, but on some behavior that appears learned from cultural
pressures. Is it chancy? Sure. But all I get to read are
all the other essays in this group, and I think it would be interesting
to see people take more chances on their essays, even if the admissions
committees might not.
--
Charles Lin
cl...@cs.umd.edu
AsiaSunset
Macabre - 49 does not make one a reactionary. Remember, I'm part of the
Woodstock generation. Middle age does provide one with a sense of propriety
based on experience; however, even with a sense of propriety, I assure you that
pee pee and poop don't ruffle my feathers. I can handle it. Propriety simply
means, in the case of a college essay, knowing who your audience is and
anticipating how that audience might react. Remember - this is what you chose
to write about out of the millions of possible topics. Within the
possibilities, there are choices that are can be both both provocative, in
terms of subject matter, and appropriate. Most important, it is your
opportunity to write something meaningful. In that context, I just don't
believe your essay does you justice.
Your essay is already submitted and I do hope you get into Rice or wherever you
want to go. Based on the fact that the essay is so very well written, I know
you have the ability to excel. The problem is that Rice and other top schools
will reject many kids this year that also have that ability.
Respectfully,
A not so Old Fart