Math jokes
Myth
A: With brackets.
\You do not really understand something unless you can
explain it to your grandmother." Albert Einstein
A father who is very much concerned about his son's poor
grades in math decides to register him at a religious school.
After his first term there, the son brings home his report card;
he gets 'A's in math.
The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know, "Why
are your math grades suddenly so good?"
"You know," the son explains, "when I walked into the class-
room the first day and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign on
the wall, I knew one thing-this place means business!"
"What happened to your girlfriend, that really smart math
student?"
"She is no longer my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on
me."
"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone,
and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three un-
knowns. . . ."
Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and
Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
Q: How do you make one burn?
A: Di erentiate a log fire.
The math professor's six-year-old son knocks at the door of his
father's study.
"Daddy," he says. "I need help with a math problem I couldn't
do at school."
"Sure," the father says and smiles. "Just tell me what's both-
ering you."
"Well, it's a really hard problem: There are four ducks swim-
ming in a pond when two more ducks come and join them. How
many ducks are now swimming in the pond?"
The professor stares at his son in disbelief. "You couldn't do
that?! All you need to know is that 4 + 2 = 6!"
"Do you think, I'm stupid?! Of course I know that 4 + 2 = 6.
But what does this have to do with ducks!?"
"What is pi?"
A mathematician: "pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle
to its diameter."
A computer programmer: "piis 3.141592653589 in double pre-
cision."
A physicist: "pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005."
An engineer: "pi is about 22/7."
A nutritionist: "Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!"
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are
talking about.
Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion...
with confidence.
Surely 'statistics' is a systematic method for getting the wrong
conclusion... with 95% confidence.(Rafy Marootians)
A logician at Safeway:
"Paper or plastic?"
"Not 'not paper and not plastic' !"
How about the apocryphal story about the MIT student who
cornered the famous John von Neumann in the hallway:
Student: "Er, excuse me, Professor von Neumann, could you
please help me with a calculus problem?"
John: "Okay, sonny, if it's real quick-I'm a busy man."
Student: "I'm having trouble with this integral."
John: "Let's have a look." (brief pause) "All right, sonny, the
answer's two-pi over 5."
Student: "I know that, sir, the answer's in the back-I'm having
trouble deriving it, though."
John: "Okay, let me see it again." (another pause) "The
answer's
two-pi over 5."
Student (frustrated): "Uh, sir, I know the answer, I just don't see
how to derive it."
John: "Whaddya want, sonny, I worked the problem in two dif-
ferent ways!"
(Mark A. Thomas)
Theorem: All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a = b. Then a = b, so a2 = ab. By subtracting
b2 from the last equality we get a2
-b2 = ab-b2, hence (a+b)(a-b) =
b(a - b), thus a + b = b, therefore finally a = 0. (Benjamin J.
Tilly)
A statistics professor plans to travel to a conference by airplane.
When he passes the security check, a bomb is discovered in his
carry-on baggage. Of course, he is hauled o immediately for
interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating o cer exclaims.
"You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar
of your parish-and now you want to destroy all that by blowing
up an airplane!"
"Sorry," the professor interrupts him. "I never intended to blow
up the plane."
"So, for what reason did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics show that the probability of a bomb
being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think
about it-so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a
flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on
board?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane
is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1 000 000. So,
if I already bring one, I am much safer. . . "
A physicist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist discuss
which is better: a husband or a boyfriend.
The physicist: "A boyfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A husband. You have security."
The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my husband,
he thinks I'm with my boyfriend. When I'm not with my
boyfriend, it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without
anyone disturbing me. . . "
When the logician's little son refused again to eat his vegetables
for dinner, the father threatened him: "If you don't eat your
veggies, you won't get any ice cream!"
The son, frightened at the prospect of not having his favourite
dessert, quickly finished his vegetables.
What happened next?
After dinner, impressed that his son had eaten all of his vegetables,
the father sent his son to bed without any ice cream. . .
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to test
the following hypothesis: All odd numbers greater than one are
prime.
The mathematician: "Three is a prime, five is a prime, seven
is a prime, but nine is not a prime. Therefore, the hypothesis is
false."
The physicist: "Three is a prime, five is a prime, seven is a
prime, nine is not a prime, eleven is a prime, and thirteen is a
prime. Hence, five out of six experiments support the hypothesis.
It must be true."
The engineer: "Three is a prime, five is a prime, seven is a
prime, nine is a prime. . . "
A western military general visits Algeria. As part of his program,
he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I
regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much
prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I
was never good at algebra. . . "
Psychologists subject an engineer, a physicist, and a
mathematician-a topologist, by the way-to an experiment:
Each of them is locked in a room for a day-hungry, with a can of
food, but without an opener; all they have is pencil and paper.
At the end of the day, the psychologists open the engineer's
room first. Pencil and paper are unused, but the walls of the room
are covered with dents. The engineer is sitting on the floor and
eating from the open can: He threw it against the walls until it
cracked open.
The physicist is next. The paper is covered with formulas, there
is one dent in the wall, and the physicist is eating, too: he
calculated
how exactly to throw the can against the wall, so that it
would crack open.
When the psychologists open the mathematician's room, the
paper is also full of formulas, the can is still closed, and the
mathematician
has disappeared. But there are strange noises coming
from inside the can. . .
Someone gets an opener and opens the can. The mathematician
crawls out. "Darn! I got a sign wrong. . . "
A math professor is talking to her little brother who just started
his first year of graduate school in mathematics.
"What's your favourite thing about mathematics?" the brother
wants to know.
"Knot theory."
"Yeah, me neither!"
A mathematician has spent years trying to prove the Riemann
hypothesis, without success. Finally, he decides to sell his soul to
the devil in exchange for a proof. The devil promises to deliver a
proof within four weeks.
Four weeks pass, but nothing happens. Half a year later, the
devil shows up again-in a rather gloomy mood.
"I'm sorry," he says. "I couldn't prove the Riemann
hypothesis
either. " But"-and his face lightens up-"I think I found a
really
interesting lemma. . . "
A math student and a computer science student are jogging
together in a park when they hear a voice: "Please, help me!"
They stop and look. The voice belongs to a frog sitting in the
grass.
"Please, help me!" the frog repeats. "I'm not really a frog;
I'm
an enchanted, handsome prince. Kiss me, and the spell will be
broken: I will be yours forever. . . "
The computer science student picks up the frog. She examines
it carefully from all sides-not even making an attempt to kiss it.
"You don't have to marry me," the frog continues frantically,
"if you're afraid of the commitment. I'll do whatever you wish me
to do if you'll just kiss me. . . "
The frog's voice is silenced when the computer science student
puts the animal into her pocket.
"But why don't you kiss him?!" the math student asks.
"You know," she replies, "I simply don't have time for a
boyfriend-but a frog that talks makes a really cool pet. . . "
Q: What is the first derivative of a cow?
A: Prime Rib!
At a conference, a mathematician proves a theorem.
Someone in the audience interrupts him: "That proof must be
wrong-I have a counterexample to your theorem."
The speaker replies: "I don't care-I have another proof for
it."
At a press conference held at theWhite House, president George
W. Bush accused mathematicians and computer scientists in the
U.S. of misusing classroom authority to promote a Democratic
agenda. "Every math or computer science department o ers an
introduction to AlGore-ithms," the president complained. "But
not a single one teaches GeorgeBush-ithms. . . "
A mathematician and a stockbroker go to the races to bet on
horses. The stockbroker suggests a bet of $10 000. That's too
much for the mathematician's taste-first, he wants to understand
the rules, have a look at the horse, etc.
"Don't worry," the stockbroker says. "I know an empirical
algorithm
that allows me to find the number of the winning horse
with absolute certainty."
This does not convince the mathematician.
"You are too theoretical!" the stockbroker exclaims, and puts
his $10 000 on a horse.
The horse comes in first-making the stockbroker even richer
than he already is. The mathematician is ba ed.
"What is your algorithm?" he wants to know.
"It's rather easy. I have two children, three and five years old.
I add up their ages and bet on that number."
"But three plus five is eight-and that horse had number nine!"
"I told you that you're too theoretical! Didn't I just
experimentally
prove that my calculation is correct?!"
Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class:
they have received top grades for their homework and on the
midterm. So when it's time for the final, they decide not to study
on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday
party in another city-even though the exam is scheduled for Monday
morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and
on Monday morning, they are all hungover and oversleep. When
they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor's o ce and o er him an explanation,
"We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving
back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat
tire. We had no spare, and since we were driving on back roads,
it took hours until we got help."
The professor nods sympathetically and says, "I see that it was
not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam
tomorrow morning."
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are
taken by the professor to a large lecture hall and are seated so far
apart from each other that, even if they were to try, they would
have no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place,
and confidently, the students start writing. The first question-
five points out of 100-is a simple exercise in integration, and all
four finish it within 10 minutes. The first to complete the problem
turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
One of your jokes asked how to split 14 cubes of sugar among three
cups of co ee such that each receives an odd number of cubes. There
actually is a way to do this: put 3 in the first cup, 3 in the second
cup
(or 1 and 5), then use the remaining 8 to form a cube of side length 2
and place the resulting cube in the third cup.
Cheers, John Boyer (Edmonton)
Myth
All the kids were making lot of noise. Of course it would be wrong
to say that everyone was making noise. Sachin, who was sitting on the
first bench,was very quiet as usual. Only 2 minutes were left for
the teacher to arrive.
At sharp 9, John Sir enters the class. Everyone take their
place.
"Good morning everybody", Sir said. "Good morning Sir", everyone
said.
Every one except Harbhajan. He was still learning English.
"Sat Sri Akaal Sirji".
"Ok, today we are going to learn about team spirit", Sir said.
"What is timspi rit"?
Well, it was Harbhajan again! Sir, many times felt that he
should have completed his English classes before joining this
course.
"Beta, it is not timspi rit. It is Team Spirit" he said, trying
to control his frustration.
"Ok boys, so let's learn something about team spirit. Hey,
Parthiv, how many times I have told you not to put your thumb in your
mouth.
Now you are in big boys. So act like a big kid. And how will you keep
wickets if you put your thumb in mouth"
Parthiv doesn't pay any attention.
"PARTHIV", Sir shouts.
"Parthiv, take the thumb out." Sachin says in his too gentle
voice.
Parthiv immediately takes the thumb out and says - "I will always
listen to you. SachinDada, You are my role model"
Sachin gives a TVS Victor smile.
"Grrrrrr.... I am the only DADA in this team! DO YOU
UNDERSTAND?" Sourav dada shouts from the last bench!
"Boys, don't fight. Today we are going to learn about team
spirit.
Harbhajan! Why are you slapping Rahul?"
"Sir, he calls me 'Sardar'"
"But you are a Sardar, right?"
"Sir, but he says - I can bowl well only at 12 o'clock. And
since 12o'clockis lunch time, I will never bowl well" - Bhaji said
very
angrily.
"Rahul, I always thought you were a quiet guy like Sachin."
"But Sir, he calls me 'Tortoise' because I score slowly."
"But, they all call u Wall for your perfect defence, right? And
you should be proud of it"
"I was sir. But now I am not, because they sing a song -
'Rahul Dravid the Wall, Can't hit a single ball'"
"Sourav, you are the captain of the side, you should make sure
that boys don't fight with each other."
"I tried, but they don't listen to me. Some of them still listen
to Sachin only." Sourav said dejectedly.
"Guys, no more fights. So we are going to learn about team spirit.
Team spirit is - playing for the team and not for yourself. Can
anyone
give me one example of team spirit?"
Everybody remained silent and as usual started looking down.
"Ok, Nehra, give me a good example of team spirit"
"Sir.. I don't know any. But I know a good example of lack of
team spirit"
"Ok, ok, tell me that."
"When Sourav comes near his hundred, he forgets the team's
requirement and plays slowly. That is a good example of lack of tam
spirit"
"Grrrr.... In the next match Ajit will play in your place. And you
will be the water boy" Roars Sourav.
"This type of fighting is not good for our team. Anil, you are a
senior member of the side. You should take care of the boys. ANIL!!!
Why
are you looking at the board, look at me."
Some children say "soda buddi, soda buddi". Everyone laughs.
"Sir, I forgot my lenses today."
"So you should always keep your specs with you."
"But sir, then these people call me 'soda buddi'. Now I wear
lenses, so I am not a soda buddi right?"
Now Ajit joins the fight. " And you call me 'Diwali Dasara'
because I give too many runs"
Kumble defends himself, "I said that because you called me
'Navajyot Singh Sidhu' when I said something without thinking."
Enough of this!!" Said frustrated John Right. "Guys, one thing we
have learned today and that is - there is no team spirit in our side.
By the way, no matter what happens, you should not call anyone
'Navajyot
Singh Sidhu'. That hurts. Now we have learned what is not team
spirit.
Let us now see what team spirit is?"
Sir I have a shooting for TVS Victor" Sachin said. "And I have to
go for Coca Cola" - Said Sehwag. "Hero Honda for me" Sourav. "Jam jam
Jammy " Rahul said.
One by one every one left the classroom.
Only sir and Parthiv Patel were left. Parthiv was waiting for his
mom to pick him up. He still has his thumb in his mouth. Sir has
anyway given up on this side. "Parthiv, I am going to teacher's
room. Don't go anywhere. Your mom will come in few minutes. And don't
forget
to
take your water bag home."
Dejected sir went to the teachers' room, called the peon and told
him to bring a VRS form!!!
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tOrMeNtOr
Myth
There was a good old barber in Miami in US. One day a florist goes to
him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the
barber replies:
I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service. Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a
"Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he
again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves
the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is
another
"Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.
A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
finds there......
Scroll down for answer... . . . . . . .. . . . ... . .
A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with printouts
of
forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut
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tOrMeNtOr
Myth
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are
things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to
you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
________________________________________________
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
________________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up! also?
________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy.
__________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy (Post-mortem), did
you check for
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began
the Post-mortem?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law somewhere