'El Guano' - Was the Ryobi Tablesaw Thread
Tom Watson
'El Guano' first darkened the doorway of my shop at the beginning of
the last decade of the last century.
His predecessor, 'La Makita', purchased during my 'Blue Period'
(marked by the acquisition and usage of many of 'La Makita's' sorority
- Makita Chopsaw, three Makita Cordless Drills, Makita 3012 'Big Dog'
Router) had come to an unfortunate end when she leapt, lemming-like,
over the tailgate of my truck and hit the blacktop going about 55 mph.
La Femme Makita had committed sawicide.
We'll never know why - could life have been so hard? What we do know
is that my 'Yellow Period' (marked by the acquisition and usage of
Dewalt's versions of the aforementioned tools) was still some years in
the future.
I had few problems with 'La Makita'. She had been a reliable field
companion, albeit small of blade and possessed of a delicacy befitting
her gender more than the man hard world that she had been born into.
I went to the local tool emporium to seek out one of her sisters as a
replacement.
That is where I met 'El Guano'.
Of course, 'El Guano' is the 'norm de guerre' of the Ryobi BT3000 10"
Tablesaw. It sat apart from its lesser brethren, enshrined in a
razzle-dazzle display that called one and all to witness this first
iteration of a woodworking implement that was sure to become a
Classic.
Inca-like in its obvious sophistication, it called you to pay heed to
the many features bestowed upon it by those wondrous Japanese
engineers (this was 'Before The Fall' of the Rising Sun).
It could swing a 10" blade - so much more capacity than 'La Makita'.
It purred at 4800 rpm on its dual belt drive - so unlike the shrill
caterwauling of Miss Previous. A manly fence that locked both front
and back - way better than 'The Benign Miss M'. And - be still my
heart - a sliding table with a Huge miter fence. I was in awe (and
yet to be shocked).
Seeing that the hook was set, the salesman came over to reel me in.
"You're looking at the future, Tommy."
This guy had sucked a lot of money out of my wallet over the years and
thus felt very friendly towards me.
"I can see that", said the fish, "Looks like just the ticket".
(This from the man who still owns a hardly used Stanley 358A human
powered mitre (sic) box, purchased during the same year Rockwell came
out with the 9" Power Miter Box because he and everybody at the lumber
yard agreed that: 'These power miter things ain't ever gonna catch
on'.) (I'd vowed never to miss out on the Next Wave again).
The salesman went through his bit, showing me how everything was so
adjustable and everything came apart and went back together so easily
and how light the thing was when broken down into its elements and
ain't that amazing in something that could easily be a stationary shop
tool yet could bring that 'big tool' accuracy and power to the
field...
'El Guano' and I went home together.
'...and we were so happy - for a time.'
'El Guano's' manual was longer and better written than that of my
Unisaw. No Chiwanese instructions, these. And a good thing too,
because 'El Guano' was far more complicated than my Unisaw.
All those bells and whistles needed a machinist's care in order for
them to perform as advertised. Howsomever, after an elongated
courtship, we entered into the putting of wood.
'El Guano' performed flawlessly. This was going to be A Good Thing.
My field cuts were going to be tremendously improved. I was at peace.
It was out in the field where 'El Guano' began to reveal his dark
side.
Where I had thought him to be a mensch, he turned out to be a real
indoor sort of boy.
Where, prior to committing sawicide, La Femme Makita had been as butch
as a Harley riding, snuff dipping, bull dyke - 'El Guano' was to
prove himself to be a foppishly attired little poof.
The slightest bit of manhandling drove 'El Guano' into misalignment.
Attempts to snug up the slop in the fences resulted in breaking the
castings. The impressive looking switch quickly came to work only
intermittently and then not at all. The sliding table became fouled
by the least bit of sawdust. When the belts broke, they were not
immediately available and, once acquired, took a surgeon's hands to
replace. The tilt/elevation wheel stripped.
I'd been drowned by the Next Wave.
'El Guano' still goes out into the field on occasion. He has been
much repaired and much simplified in his elements, as they have broken
and disappeared. He has no switch. His movable arms have been
epoxied in place. God knows where that useless miter fence is.
To be fair, if 'El Guano' had been left to the quiet confines of the
shop, he would probably have done just fine.
He's just an indoor kind of boy.
(ps: apologies to KB for the usurpation and bastardization of the
'norm de guerre' of a truly fine machine - not, on any day of the
week, to be confused with the sorry likes of 'El Guano').
Regards, Tom
Thomas J. Watson - Cabinetmaker
Gulph Mills, Pennsylvania
www.tjwcabinetmaker.com
Thomas Bunetta
As usual Tom, an excellent read!
"Tom Watson" <tjwa...@snip.net.nospam> wrote in message
news:7qnj8v4l9lnhi223c...@4ax.com...
>
> 'El Guano' first darkened the doorway of my shop at the beginning of
<snipped>
BeerBoy
> La Femme Makita had committed sawicide.
>
Hilarious! Great story Tom.
Pat Barber
the "hall of fame" without the normal year waiting period.
Excellent.....
Watson has a career when he stops "Being one with the wood".
Leggester
I've used mine for 8 years with no problems.
Luigi Zanasi
<adva...@ewol.com> scribbled:
>A rose by any other name...
>As usual Tom, an excellent read!
>
Agreed.
Given his recent excellent efforts, I hereby nominate Tom as the
wreck's official Poet Laureate. Any seconders?
Luigi
Replace "no" with "yk" twice
in address for real email address
Unisaw A100
>(ps: apologies to KB for the usurpation and bastardization of the
>'norm de guerre' of a truly fine machine - not, on any day of the
>week, to be confused with the sorry likes of 'El Guano').
sigh...
UA100
Tom Watson
wrote:
>On Tue, 1 Apr 2003 14:04:37 -0500, "Thomas Bunetta"
><adva...@ewol.com> scribbled:
>
>>A rose by any other name...
>>As usual Tom, an excellent read!
>>
>Agreed.
>
>Given his recent excellent efforts, I hereby nominate Tom as the
>wreck's official Poet Laureate. Any seconders?
I'm gonna head this one off at the pass. I thank ya fer ya kind
words, Luigi but, Walt Akers is Gosh, in my book, when it comes to
humorsful stories. Charlie Self is the Bull Goose Looney regarding
the rabbit punch sort of dry humor. Keith Bohn is the Stealth Bomber
of funny - his blank posts and 'sigh's, never fail to get a laugh from
me. Paddy Olguin (O'Deen) is a way entertaining and
not-nearly-ubiquitous-enough-contributor to the mirth level of the
Wreck, Larry Jacques is a sly old funny and literary dog. Davey
Eisan, when he's not overburdened by the cares of work, is funny as
hell and the best, most entertaining troll on the group. The list
goes on.
I'm just glad to have a seat on the bench.
Regards, Tom
Thomas J. Watson-Cabinetmaker
Gulph Mills, Pennsylvania 19428
www.tjwcabinetmaker.com
Patrick Olguin (O'Deen)
Tom Watson wrote:
>
> I'm just glad to have a seat on the bench.
>
Would that be the Moron Bench? Sorry Luigi, I'm gonna have to agree with
Tom. No official title for that self-proclaimed anal-rententive, trolling,
sucker-punching, pineywood-bashing urinestain-eschewing Mick-Kraut. But
here's the real reason:
Tom's Dee-Q'd for lurking for what... five years while the rest of us
battled the likes of Turd Barge (F)ArtDot, Jim Zero and (looking skyward)
Bennett. Of all the sand-bagging, lazy, smug, loafers! How could you have
sat there for so many years enjoying the fireworks while the rest of us
suffered? Oh yeah, it's gonna take years to live this one down, Mr.
Watson. This puts in the ent in resentment (I don't know what that means,
but it sounds like trouble). I think you're on double-secret probation
until the end of the semester.
I gotta admit, however, I knew well enough to finish my coffee before
settling in to read about the effete characteristics of "El Guano." Indoor
boy indeed. I think Ryobi's missing a big marketing niche. The thing ought
to be packaged in lilac bunting, powdered and swatted firmly before being
put on the shelf. Ooooh, I feel like punishing something.
O'Spanky
--
http://www.klownhammer.org/ - Home of the World-Famous Original Crowbar
FAQ
Tom Watson
(Tom doffs his dusty seed cap and turns to the direction of The Magic
Kingdom.)
Yes, Obi-Olguiner (rhymes with O'Deener and with Beaner, also known
to rhyme with Neener and with Meaner) for verily, you are the man who
put the 'fun' back in 'fundamentalism' (and don't that ole boy just
preach so good) and I show my obeisance to your depth and breadth of
knowledge.
I did, as you suggest, lurk for many years and listen to the wisdom of
the masters.
I was as a child unto thy feets.
I watched the harsh night lights of battle, without the aid of third
generation night vision goggles, and marked the passage of the great
warriors. I was but small and meek and could do no more.
After the 'War of the Bennetts' there was little left of the old ones.
They had spent themselves and left the field for other, no doubt
better, sanctuary. They closeted themselves in their aeries of lonely
and fearful mien.
We were bereft. Without spokesmen, nor benefit of local insight.
We had no one to sing our songs, nor tell our tales - to break us of
our porcine recline. Alone, we broke only wind.
I broke my silence only as the least of men will speak in the absence
of their betters.
I spoke only in the quiescent manner of a man in thrall to a prayer
that must bring back the gods of old - I prayed that half-breathed
prayer for the return of Walter the Wise, The Abdicated Duke, The
Galootish Gosh-Man that was O'Deen.
Such was my quest. And, if it merely be the charge of such a small
man that is me, to invoke the ancient names and in naming them, make
myself the precursor of their second-coming, the familiar of their
re-emergent magic - I am at peace. My task is done. My time is
spent.
Not!
Regards, Tom.
Thomas J. Watson-Cabinetmaker
Gulph Mills, Pennsylvania
Norman D. Crow
"Unisaw A100" <Unisa...@wi.rr.com> wrote in message
news:lj8k8v8gn2sm6j8a0...@4ax.com...
You guys 'r' killin' me!!
Nahmie
Unisaw A100
>> I'm just glad to have a seat on the bench.
Patrick Olguin (Ball Peen O'Deen) clamors aboard (or is that
abroad?):
>Would that be the Moron Bench?
(tmKB)
>Sorry Luigi, I'm gonna have to agree with Tom. No official title for that
>self-proclaimed anal-rententive, trolling, sucker-punching, pineywood-bashing
>urinestain-eschewing Mick-Kraut. But here's the real reason:
I dunno, I like seeing my name up there with all the other
illuminati. No really, dud you see the names he was peeling
off like dallah bills at a carnival? I mean, really.
>Tom's Dee-Q'd for lurking for what... five years while the rest of us
>battled the likes of Turd Barge (F)ArtDot, Jim Zero and (looking skyward)
>Bennett.
Wait! Are you serious? I mean, I threw myself at the
Craftsman Turd Barge while he looked on?????????
(is that enough????'s? I wanted to fill out the rest of the
line so it wouldn't look like this.)
>Of all the sand-bagging, lazy, smug, loafers! How could you have
>sat there for so many years enjoying the fireworks while the rest of us
>suffered?
FOR SHAME!!!
>Oh yeah, it's gonna take years to live this one down, Mr. Watson. This
>puts in the ent in resentment (I don't know what that means, but it sounds
>like trouble).
And the ant in restaurant!
wait, strike that.
>I think you're on double-secret probation until the end of the semester.
And you ain't getting off until you make a giant rolling
cake with "EAT ME" on the side.
HA-RUMPH!
>I gotta admit, however, I knew well enough to finish my coffee before
>settling in to read about the effete characteristics of "El Guano."
We've been here and seen the likes of him before, right?
>Indoor boy indeed. I think Ryobi's missing a big marketing niche. The thing ought
>to be packaged in lilac bunting, powdered and swatted firmly before being
>put on the shelf. Ooooh, I feel like punishing something.
I have a candidate.
http://www.texicantreasures.com/catalog845.html
>O'Spanky
O'Dearie
UA100
Tom Watson
Stephanie and Tim
> http://www.texicantreasures.com/catalog845.html
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Make it stop!
Jon Endres, PE
yours truly, some greats have been here before, most notably Walt Akers.
The nomination committee is still taking nominations.
JonE
- i write my fables on OWWM ground
"Luigi Zanasi" <lu...@nonet.no.ca> wrote in message
news:ph8k8vks72ntsu55o...@4ax.com...