In
Message-ID:<
9d6b50f1-d4f5-4902...@googlegroups.com>,
Mark Mandel <
thn...@gmail.com> wrote:
>A couple of suggestions:
I'm always open to suggestions. Thank you.
>• You play, not just meekly pick or pass.
>-> You play instead of meekly pick or pass.
>> This scans better.
This is the second verse, and the original line is:
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
That seems trochaic, with 4.5 feet. My original line would scan
as
YOU play, NOT just MEEKly PICK or PASS
Your line is more natural, but it's iambic with 5 feet. You
could get away with it, but I think I'll keep my line. My mind's ear
hears a strong beat on the first syllable, and I can't fit an
unstressed one in ahead of it.
>
>• Everyone reflecting in each other's light.
>-> Everyone reflected in each other's light.
>> "Reflecting in" strikes me as strange and uninterpretable. Is this what you meant?
Not quite. What I was trying to suggest was that everyone was
giving off light, but each person was also reflecting the light from
everyone else, thus intensifying it. What I sent was obviously not
what you received. If it weren't for the scansion problem, removing
"in" would be the obvious solution, but people might misunderstand
anyway.
I don't like "reflected in" because people are reflected in
mirrors, not in light(s).
So perhaps this would be better (rewritten 2nd line so as not to
have both joy and enjoy.):
For the chorus, sometimes all are singing.
All delight in chances to unite.
I can't tell you how much pleasure this is bringing.
It's a feedback loop of joy we have tonight.
>I don't have any trouble with
> "There is delight in well-known songs"
>("and", though written in the next line, completes the measure):
>
>(rest) there is de,LIGHT IN, WELL-KNOWN, SONGS AND |
>
>is one measure of 4/4 time. UPPERCASE syllables are eighth-notes, lowercase are sixteenths, and commas separate quarter-note durations.
I'm not sure I follow your reasoning, but I'll continue to try
figuring it out (as a way of making up for the music education I
didn't get). In the meantime, I'm glad that scansion works for you.