Internet Oracularities Digest #1472
oracle-...@cs.indiana.edu
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 10 07:30:27 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kin...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1472
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to ora...@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
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Stephen B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracl...@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1472
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1467 25 votes 04597 36853 26674 68542 037b4 27c31 264a3 5a442 2a544 1ac11
1467 3.0 mean 3.8 3.0 3.2 2.5 3.6 2.8 3.2 2.5 2.9 2.6
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 10 07:30:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1472-01
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ahhh, the eternal blank question.
}
} It's so fortunate that all my supplicants, even the most vulgar and the
} most inept, are able to provide me with unerring snapshots of their
} minds.
}
} In your case, for instance, a shadow of emptiness looms like a great,
} looming thing over a more substantial, yet equally mystifying and empty
} hollow of emptiness, within which lies the hearth-wretching and
} abysmally exquisite residence of nothing at all.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle a damned thing.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 10 07:30:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1472-02
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Please give me an education?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Here is an education in economics.
}
} You owe the Oracle $85,272, payable immediately.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 10 07:30:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1472-03
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> They've locked the closet which is where the aspirin was
> kept. I'm not sure if they moved it somewhere or what, but
> I have a bit of a headache. Please will that it go away.
> Thanks.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Take this hammer and hit your thumb with it. The headache will vanish.
}
} When you drop the hammer it will land on your foot, so your thumb won't
} hurt much, either.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 10 07:30:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1472-04
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Answering a sentence fragment?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hardly.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 10 07:30:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1472-05
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Tell me more. I want to learn about this fascinating subject.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, OK.
}
} You see, it was their singular lack of joints in the legs, along with
} strongly habitual behaviour, that allowed them to be hunted to
} extinction. Lying down to sleep is an awkward proposition for a large
} quadruped with stiff legs, and getting back up is problematic - so
} usually they would pick a favourite tree and lean against it all
} night. This would leave a characteristic wear impression in the bark,
} which northwoods loggers quickly learned to identify, and would often
} cause the tree to lean conspicuously. On finding such a tree, the
} common practice was to cut most of the way through it from the low
} side of the base, but leave it standing. When the hugag returned, it
} (and the tree) would fall with a resounding crash, alerting the
} loggers, who would easily overcome the helpless creature. A single
} hugag would often supply a whole logging camp with stew meat for
} weeks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a live squonk. Saltwater will not be accepted as a
} substitute.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 10 07:30:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1472-06
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I have noticed a tendency in newswriting 2 use numerals in place of
> spelled-out numbers. For instance, 1 suspect was arrested 2 days after
> the crime while 2 more were arrested 3 days after, leading 2 a total
> of 3 suspects held 4 charges. Imagine the possibilities. Reporting of
> who 8 what at the mayor's 4some be4 the 10is match could be topped
> only by the drinks, even if be9, and the story about the mayor's 1 son
> who 1 the match and how he broke his 2th during his 4hand shot.
>
> How can we defend ourselves against this plague of digits?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Simple. We must build upon the legacy of Victor Borge and inflate
} this misuse-of-language to the point where it becomes more economical
} to spell things out properly. Clearly this cannot be done simply by
} adding one to each digit, but doubling is a fine place to start.
}
} We could begin fourday - cresixteening words never heard beeight - and
} wsixteen to see results fourmorrow. We could then quadruple again
} until we twelveceed in zeroing in on the intwentyded outcome, putting
} the newswriters behind the sixteen ball and leaving them, if you will,
} fourthless. When they are no longer able four use numerals in this
} asieighteen way, we'll know we've two - though perhaps by that time it
} will be five hundred twelve.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question he hasn't heard b4.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 10 07:30:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1472-07
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawre...@osu.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Sing along with me! (Mostly because I don't sing well, and you make
> me look good, but here goes:)
>
> They were the very first one,
> And from them came a curs'd one.
> I s'pose they weren't the worst one:
> Adam's family.
>
> Thanks for the singing. Now, my question: How would a good second
> verse go? (And a third if you're up to it.) I came up with it in
> middle school, but I could never get a second verse.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} While I cannot think of a second verse, I see a potential for this
} to become a hit pop single.
}
} The wisdom of the Oracle reveals:
}
} HOW TO MAKE A HIT POP SONG:
} 1. Get an annoying 15-year old, or even better an annoying band made
} up of only 16-years to sing this. Make them all males who have yet
} to reach puberty. That is the key to success
} 2. Repeat the same word over and over in the chorus. In fact make the
} chorus only one word repeated over and over.
} 3. Make the first part short and not understandable. Re-arrange words
} at random. Have your singer mumble the words. If you can understand
} the lyrics, throw one of the following words in at random: "love"
} "baby" "dang" or "hey"
} 4. Finally, for the 2nd verse, just repeat the first verse, only with
} the words in reverse order.
} 5. After that just repeat the chorus three more times.
}
} Here is your finished song:
}
} Were they the first love one?
} And cursed them from come kids
} Hey one suppose they weren't the I worst!
}
} (chorus)
}
} ADAM! ADAM! ADAM! Family!
} ADAM! ADAM! ADAM!
} ADAM! ADAM! Family!
} ADAM! ADAM! ADAM! ADAM! ADAM! ADAM!
}
} Worst I the weren't they suppose one.
} Hey kids, come from them cursed.
} And one love first the they were!!!!
}
} (repeat chorus x3)
}
} You owe the oracle Justin Bieber.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 10 07:30:35 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1472-08
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> So when you teach children that they are nothing more than
> highly evolved animals and that life has no transcendent
> meaning, then WHAT EFFECT DO YOU THINK THIS WOULD HAVE ON
> THEIR MORALITY ???
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, Orrie Junior is 7 and his idea of prehistory mostly
} revolves around plastic dinosaurs eating fire trucks, while
} his theological and philosophical conceptions mostly deal
} with milk, cookies and presents (as in big plastic dinosaurs).
} I can't really extrapolate if he will grow up to be a very
} religious or ethical person, which is something only an
} adult can really be, but I can tell you that whatever he
} understands about evolution has so far had no adverse effect
} on his punctuation or capitalization, which I would take
} as early warning signs of an education gone wrong.
}
} You owe the Oracle to ponder whether evolution really implies
} that there is no transcendent meaning to human life.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 10 07:30:36 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1472-09
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> OUTPUT "Oh, great Oracle who is "
> FOR i = 1 to 10,000
> OUTPUT "so "
> NEXT i
> OUTPUT "amazing!"
>
> Please hear my question:
> I know things are somewhat rocky between you and Thor. How are things
> between you and the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
>
> As payment, I offer to write an iPhone app to broadcast your
> Oracularity wit and wisdom far and wide.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Saucy.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 10 07:30:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1472-10
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How far away is the Moon?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Unfortunately Jackie Gleason and Audrey Meadows' grant money ran out
} before they were able to complete the experiment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cybernetic fist and a 10 billion foot long tape
} measure.
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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1472
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