[Fanfic] Mamono Hunter Ranma 1/2 #3a

[Chris Schumacher]

--->Begin Mamono Hunter Ranma 1/2 #3:Final Ranma
!
Author's Note:The first two parts of this short series are
avaiable from ftp.std.com .

Three Doughnuts for Otakus, under the roof,
Seven Doughnuts for the fans of the Dirty Pair
Nine Doughnuts for the horseshoes, under the hoof,
One Doughnut for the Dark Lord on his dark chair.
In the land of Nerima where the shadows lie.
One Doughnut to rule them all, one Doughnut to find them,
One Doughnut to bring them all, and in the darkness
bind them, in the land of Nerima where the shadows lie.

Pinky:What's that noise, Brain?

Brain:It's J.R.R. Tolkien turning in his grave.


MAMONO HUNTER RANMA 1/2 III
3a: Kodachi the Hellspawn.

(We see the tower in Furinkan park, this time it is truly
falling apart. We cut to the top, where the dead body of
Kunou lies. He suddenly comes back to life)

Kunou:Dunkin' Doughnuts, why have you forsaken me?
(He dies, again, the entire tower crashes down. We cut to
Ranma having a dream)

Nene:Oh, Ranma....You're so strong, and so brave! I've
always liked men like you!
(Come on men, we all have dreams like that....Don't we?)

Ranma:Well, why don't you come back to my place and....

Akane:Ranma no baka!

Ranma:(Turns around and sees Akane approaching) Uh-oh.

Akane:How dare you flirt with this...airhead?!!

Nene:Shut up, bitch! I bet you don't know the four forces of
interaction in quantum physics!

Akane:Uh.....Actually, I don't. (Turning red) But I'm sure
you don't know either!

Nene:Heh-heh. (Cracks knuckles) Gravitation, Electro-
magnetism, strong and weak radiation sources.

Akane:......

Ranma:Wow, what a woman!
(We cut to the real world. The author is sitting at his
computer with a lovesick expression on his face. But, wait,
we aren't supposed to see the real world!)

On Screen Writing:Sorry, Film Broke.
(While the film is being repaired we see two animated crows
sitting next to each other.)

Crow #1:Hey Jim.

Crow #2:Yeah, John?

Crow #1:What did John Lennon say at his wedding?

Crow #2:I dunno, what?

Crow #1:Ono, what have I done?

Both Crows:(Laughing)
(Author's note:If you don't get it, say that punchline out
loud)
On Screen Writing:Film repaired
(We cut to Ranma's bedroom. Ranma is sleeping, and Akane is
sitting on top of his chest)

Akane:(Singing quietly) Sit on my face, and tell me that you
love me.....
(Suddenly Ranma sits up and knocks Akane to the ground)

Ranma:Why the Hell were you sitting on me while I was sleep-
ing?
(Author's Note:That's a good question. In MHY3, Azusa is
sitting on top of Yohko while she sleeps. Anybody have the
SLIGHTEST idea why that is?)

Akane:It was in the script, you dork!

Ranma:(Looks to screen) Okay, Chris, I think we've done
enough of that kind of humor, let's get back to the more
traditional kind.

Chris:(From the real world) Hai!

(We cut to "The Dark Kingdom". Which is actually a corner
office in New York. It does have several very errie props
though.)

Kodachi:Very interesting props.

Man-In-Shadows:(At his desk. It seems the shadows follow him
everywhere he goes.) Thank you. They had a sell-out sale
when the first Sailor Moon series ended.

Kodachi:Cool. (Examining a stone column closely) Anyway,
why did you call me here?

MIS:I have a job for you.

Kodachi:Oh, really?

MIS:Really.

Kodachi:Does it involve a guy with a ponytail?

MIS:Yes.

Kodachi:All right, Anavel Gato, here I come!

MIS:No, the other guy with the ponytail.

Kodachi:Damn!

(We cut to Nerima, Akane is walking on the sidewalk, and
Ranma is walking on the fence)

Akane:So, if the cordial detects which creature in nature
you're most like....You become a girl, so......

Ranma:Shut up! When you douse yourself with cold water, you
turn into a flashy slut, so what does that say about you?

Akane:At least I don't turn into a member of the opposite
sex.

Ranma:Oh, but you do!

Akane:Why you.... (Knocks him off the fence, he falls into
the drainage ditch)

Ranma-C:Uncute Tomboy! Swindler! Deep Space 9 lover!

Akane:Alright, that's it, die!
(She jumps down into the ditch as well, and turns into
Akane-K (Akane-Kawaii))

Ranma-C:Oooh, I'm soooo scared.

Akane:Soul Katana, appear!
(It appears.)

Ranma-C:Shishi Houkoudan!
(Akane is able to block the entire Ki-blast with the soul
Katana)

Akane:Ha! A futile attempt. It seems you're all bells and
whistles. Pbbbbbb!!!

Ranma-C:Oh yeah? Tenshin Amaguriken!
(This fight continues for some while, then we pan up the
hill, where the shadow and Kodachi are looking at that)

Kodachi:How do you do that? We're in direct sunlight, and
you still have that shadowy appearence.

Shadowy Guy:That's because I'm using a changeling net.

Kodachi:Ah....yeah, whatever. Anyway, why do we bother with
these two? Leave them alone and they'll eventually kill
each other without our aid.

SG:Yes, but it would take too long. And there wouldn't be
any plot.

Kodachi:Oh, yeah.
(They walk off the hill, leaving Ranma-C and Akane-K to their
fates. They walk down the streets of Nerima, they finally
reach the cursed bank)

SG:Here is where we strike. I want you to take over the
cursed bank.

Kodachi:Why?

SG:Because you can make all the checks in town bounce! And
once we having bouncing checks, we can take over the world.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Kodachi:You really need help, you know that?
(We cut to Ranma and Akane, who are still fighting in the
ditch. Gosunkugi is walking on the sidewalk above.)

Gosunkugi:(Hearing noises) What's that?
(He goes over and looks down into the ditch. We see Akane-K
and Ranma-C fighting each other in their Mamono Hunter forms
,WET, and with huge fissures in their clothing. )

Gosunkugi:This is....too much....(Blood runs out of his nose,
and he keels over on the pavement.)

Ranma-C:Did you hear something?

Akane-K:Just the sound of one hand clapping. (Smack)
(Author's Note:I saw this in a manga once, it never made
very much sense in that context. Anyone know what it means?)

(Ranma-C and Akane-K keep fighting, and then suddenly, a
troop of long haired holligans wearing tye-died shirts with
peace symbols all over come over. They start singing)

Leader:Come on people, now smile on your brother. Everyone
get together and love one another right now!
(Ranma-C and Akane-K stop fighting. Then 50 anvils fall on
top of the hippies. God, I hate hippies!)

Ranma-C:Pax?

Akane-K:Until next time.
(Author's Note:Pax is Latin for 'peace'. So Pax ex asinus
would mean "Peace of ass".)

(We cut back to the real world. The door to the computer
room is knocked open, and several people in odd looking
uniforms enter)

Officer:Chris Schumacher? I.E. Kensu, Cschu...@Delphi.com?

Chris:The same. How can I help you officers?

Officer:You just went over the edge, son. That last joke
was in VERY poor taste. In the past four months, you have
broken ever SINGLE FanFic ethic. Therefore we are taking you
in.

Chris:Heh-heh. (He starts typing on his computer again)

Officer:(Taking out his gun) Alright, that's enough, step
away from the keyboard!

Chris:Haha, too late! (100 Anvils fall on the officers)
(We cut back to the MHR 1/2 world)

(The doors to the cursed bank open. A green mist fills the
room. Everyone looks around. They all faint. Kodachi enters,
she is in a fur coat and is smoking a cigarette in a holder.)

Kodachi:Well, now let us beginning the casting!
(Suddenly a Gypsy runs in and sets up a table. Then she puts
down a chair and spreads some cards on the table.)

Gypsy:(Putting two cards on the front of the table, one is
a picture of a woman in a witness stand, the other is of
a man working in a soup kitchen) They lord hast bade thee
delieve a purse of uncounted gold coins. On the way to your
destination, you meet a poor beggar. Do you; a)Give him a
coin, knowing that it won't be missed? or b) Passing him
by, knowing that the trust in you was well placed?

Kodachi:(Astounded) Who the Hell are you?
(The Gypsy looks up at Kodachi and scratches her head)

Gypsy:You aren't the Avatar, are you?

Kodachi:No!!!!!

Gypsy:My mistake. (She grabs her table and leaves)

Kodachi:Okay, now... (She takes out a piece of chalk and
then proceeds to draw a hexagram on the ground.)
(Author's Note:A hexagram is a six-pointed star in a circle.
Interesting to note that in MHY both evil and good forces
used this symbol.)

Sasuke:Are we ready, mistress?

Kodachi:Be patient, familar!
(She opens a book with the hexagram on the cover)

Kodachi:Come here, familar. I want you to play bookstand.

Sasuke:Oooh, thank you Mistress!

Kodachi:(Reading from the book) Gort! Klattu Barada Nikto!
(The hexagram begins to glow)

Sasuke:It's working, mistress!

Kodachi:Requiem in Pax! Ex Post Facto! E Plubius Unum!
(Slowly a wind grows as Kodachi is chanting. All the deposit
slips, checks, and pieces of paper in the bank start to
turn into a whirlwind, with the center being in the center
of the hexagram)

Kodachi:(Raising her voice over the howl of the wind) Coitus
Interuptus! Pax es asinus!
(The pieces of paper are all covered in a green mist.)

Kodachi:HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sasuke:Heh-heh,heh-heh. Cool. Yeah, mist,mist! Heh-heh.
(Suddenly, the wind stops, and all the pieces of paper fly
back to their original position. Kodachi rubs the hexagram
off the floor and leaves. The mist dissapates, and the people
regain consicouness. They start to go about their business.)

Man reading Newspaper:I can't believe this, the baseball
strike hasn't stopped yet!

Other man:Jerks, won't give an inch. Spoiled crybabies!

Teller:I'm sorry sir, but your account is empty!

Man:What do you mean, empty?

Teller:I just looked it up on the computer, and you withdrew
all the money yesterday!

Beavis:Heh,heh,heh. Early withdrawl. Heh,heh,heh.
(This continues for a few minutes, then a riot is about to
begin, a familar looking character jumps on top the counter
and starts yelling)

Man:Calm down, calm down! You don't understand! We don't have
your money here! It's in Bob's yacht, and my new car! We
don't keep your money safe, her-schaw!

Passive-Observer:This "It's a Wonderful Life" parody doesn't
seem to be working.

(We cut to the next morning. Ranma is getting up and he
suddenly hears screaming outside)

Nabiki:Let me go, you jerks!

Policeman:No way, Miss. You bounced 16 checks yesterday,
we'll have to take you in.

Nabiki:No, I didn't, I swear!

Policeman:Yeah, that's what they all say!
(He takes her away.)
(We cut to half and hour later. Ranma and Akane are watching
the news)

Anchor:Today the Nerima district experienced a shock when
the bottom fell out of the Cursed Bank. Local authorties
have arrested more than 50 suspects who they believe had
something to do with the incident at the bank.
(The scene cuts to right outside the Cursed Bank, there is
a riot going on, and police in riot helmets are trying to
calm them down)

Various Noise:I want my money! I want my mommy! I want my
Mummy! I want my Nancy! I didn't inhale! Feed to the birds,
toppings, toppings! Shut up!
(We cut back to the breakfast table)

Ranma:It's such a shame when things like that happen. People
aren't content with what they have, and try to steal from
others. (Notices that Akane is not looking at her food,
Ranma quickly trys to snag her eggroll, but she turns around
and pounds him with the hammer she pulled from Hammerspace)

Akane:Ranma no Baka!
(They start fighting again)

(We cut back to the Cursed Bank. People are still fighting.
The Shadow Guy is sitting on the top of the bank, laughing)

SG:Yes, Negative energy! I love it! I haven't felt this good
since I left New York!

(We cut back to Ranma's apartment)

Ranma:This situation is getting out of control.

Akane:Are you suggesting we do something?

Ranma:No.

Akane:Fine.
(Suddenly the phone rings. Ranma goes and picks it up)

Ranma:Hello?
(It split-screens. On the other side, we see Genma-Panda)

Genma:(Panda Noises)

Ranma:Grandfather? Is that you?

Genma:(More Panda noises)

Ranma:Don't call as a Panda!
(Genma pours hot water on himself)

Genma:Grandson, I have a very bad feeling about this incident
at the Cursed Bank.

Ranma:How would you know about it? You're all the way over in
China, for cripes sake!

Genma:Well, we have to move the story along!

Ranma:Then why didn't you just come home at the start of the
episode?

Genma:I don't want to leave China!

Ranma:Alright, alright. Me and Akane will go find out.

Genma:Fine.

Ranma:Don't you even want to know who Akane is?

Genma:I know who Akane is! (He holds up a manga. It reads
"Mamono Hunter Ranma 1/2 #2")

Ranma:Fine. (CLick!)

Akane:What's that about?

Ranma:My grandfather wants me to find out what's going down
at the Cursed Bank.

Akane:Fine, let's get going.
(They both leave.)

(We cut to the Cursed Bank, the fighting has esclated. People
are fighting with swords now.)

Ranma:This is insane, stop fighting!

Man:Don't knock it 'til you tried it, bub!
(He tries to slash Ranma, but misses)

Akane:This looks bad.

Ranma:You really have a grip on the obvious.

Akane:Shut up!

Ranma:There's only one way to take care of this.

Akane:Alright! (She picks up a hose and prepares to turn it
on)

Ranma:No, not like that.
(He pulls out a tray that is filled with Akane's cooking,
he throws it into the crowd. Within five minutes, everyone
is either puking or lying comatose on the ground)

Ranma:As good as tear gas, I always say!

Akane:Ranma....!!!!

Ranma:Not that that's taken care of.....
(Suddenly, the green mist fills the scene again, and Kodachi
comes out)

Ranma:God, that woman has REALLY got to change perfumes!

Kodachi:Ranma Saotome, I presume?

Ranma:Yes.

Kodachi:The last Mamono Hunter of the line. What a pleasure
it is to meet you!

Akane:Hey!

Kodachi:(Looking at Akane) I see you brouhgt your little
subordinate with you. Pleased to meet you as well.

Akane:Why you.....

Ranma:Are you responsible for all this?

Kodachi:Was it THAT obvious? Yes, I must admit, I do have
a trademarked style.
(We cut to a can marked "Knock-Out Gas. TM Kodachi Kunou")

Ranma:You are EVIL!

Kodachi:And you are REALLLLY cute, you know that!

Ranma:Why you.......really? You think so?
(Akane turns the hose on him)

Akane:Is he so cute now, demon woman?

Ranma-C:That was cold!

Kodachi:Well, it's too bad. I guess I'll have to kill you
now. (She tears off her fur coat, to reveal her leotard.)
Soul Ribbon, appear!
(A dark cloud appears by her hand, lengethen and forms into
a battle ribbon)

Ranma-C:Oooh, a ribbon! (Valley Girl impression)I'm like,
so scared!

Kodachi:Be afraid, be very afraid! (She starts to twirl it,
Ranma jumps at her) Ribbon Vortex! (It forms into a vortex,
and paralyzes him. She holds out her other hand) Spirit
Pin, appear! (In her other hand, a pin appears. She throws
it, it hits Ranma and knocks him out of the vortex onto the
ground)

Ranma-C:Too many.....tricks...

Akane:Ranma! (She gets a determined look on her face, and
sprays herself with the hose. She transforms into Akan-
Kawaii)

Kodachi:(Looking Akane-K over) Been watching a bit too much
Sailor Moon, have me?

Akane-K:Soul Katana, appear! (The Soul Katana appears in her
right hand) Die! (She leaps at Kodachi, Kodachi whips up the
ribbon)

Kodachi:Ribbon Vortex! (But before she has a chance, Akane
slices downward, and chops up the ribbon.) My....My ribbon!

Akane:You should have sentimental attachtments to such items,
Kodachi!

Kodachi: (Looks at her with cool, calculating, hatred)
Alright, Akane Tendo, if that is the way you want to play it.
Soul Hoop, appear! (Another object appears out of nothingness.
Somewhere in Heaven. Albert Einstein scratches his head, and
considers that the law of conservation of matter may not be
so true after all)

Ranma-C:Not so fast! Shishi Houkoudan! (The Ki blasts makes
the hoop disintegrate. Kodachi looks at in horror)

Kodachi:I knew I shouldn't have bought these from K-Mart!

Ranma-C:Shop smart, shop S-Mart!
(Army of Darkness joke)

(The battle continues for roughly 3 minutes of air time. Then
it seems that Kodachi is beginning to get the upper hand)

Ranma-C:There's no way! Even working together, she can beat
both of us.

Akane-K:Wait, I know a way.

Kodachi:Die! (She throws a pin at Akane, Akane jumps out of
the way.)

Ranma-C:What?!!!

Akane-K:Do you rememeber hearing of a technique, that would
allow two people to fight as one?

Ranma-C:Yeah, I think I saw it on an episode of Ran....er..
something on TV.

Akane-K:I think we should try it.

Ranma-C:I don't remember it that well.

Akane-K:It doesn't matter, we'll die anyway!

Ranma-C:Fine, let's do it!
(Kodachi comes charging.)

Kodachi:Die, die, die, why won't you die!
(Wasn't that a line in Spartacus? Just wondering...)

Akane-K:Ready?

Ranma-C:Ready.

Akane-K&Ranma-C:Gattai Gekiryuu Moushin! (Suddenly, the two
fight as one. Kodachi doesn't have a chance as Akane-Ranma
rip her to shreds. She lies on the ground bledding. She
stares up at them.)

Kodachi:You think you've won, but I won't be defeated! Even
if it takes me a thousand years, I will get even!

Ranma-C:Sheeeaahright...

Akane-K:As if!

Ranma-Akane:I think it is about time we unmerged. Hai!
(They unmerge)

Kodachi:I shall see you in the next life....

Ranma-C:In a world ruled only by Chaos and Darkness? If
anyone can do it, HE can? That one?

Kodachi:You've heard it before?

Ranma-C:Of course!

Kodachi:And I suppose you want to know who "he" is, don't
you?

Akane-K:We'll find out eventually. So don't bother.

Kodachi:Oh, come on, ask me!

Ranma-C:No thanks, my mom and grampa are coming back tonight,
so I have to go greet them, no time.

Kodachi:Wait, I'll tell you, just wait a minute.....

Akane-K:See you later.....Kodachi Kunou!
(The screen fades to black. We cut back to the really world.)

Chris:Excellent BGC6 like ending! (He continues to type)

MAMONO HUNTER RANMA 1/2 #3b

Written By:Chris Schumacher

The author would like to thank the following;
That guy who gave me a quarter.
The guy who invented baby-back ribs.
That guy who wrote "Death Place"
The entire cast and crew of Quantum Leap
The guy who invented Ultimate Frisbee/Frisbee Football


Coming soon from TAAC;
-------------------------------------------|
Mamono Hunter Ranma 1/2 III:Final Ranma/3b |
|
Ranma 1/2:The Crys Saga #23 |
|
Urusei Kimagure Orange Yatsura #1 |
-------------------------------------------|