Comfortable with non-Parents - part of the Helping Children to Become Autonomous and Self-Reliable Sequence

[Gunnar Zarncke]

On the LessWrong Slack channel there was a discussion about how children could get accustomed to be with non-parent caretakers.

This was my contribution:

We thought it important to have other people our children feels comfortable to stay with (and those people feeling comfortable with that too). 

Why did we find this important? Because you can't predict when a situation where the child needs to stay with other people occurs. And if you and the other people didn't get used to it you may not even have the chance to even arrange for it despite it being really helpful. It just allows lots of things to run much smoother (or at all) later on. And on top of this practical advantage it might helps the children become more autonomous - without being forced to.

Whom might the stay with? First candidates are uncles and grandparents (of the child) of course but some friends might want to be a godparent too - maybe in a reciprocal fashion for their children. Grandparents also enjoy time with their grandchildren too. 

How do you get there? We had a step-by-small-step plan: 

- visiting

- visiting for longer

- visiting and being in another room

- visiting and leaving for a short time (or the child leaving with the aunt)

-  visiting and staying over-night and the child sleeping in another room

- leaving the child for a short time

- for a longer time

- for a night

- for a weekend

- for a holiday

- letting it travel there alone (OK, that is late, but we have reached that stage with our 9 year olds)

I think doing it in small steps is important to build mutual trust. And do not advance until the previous phase is OK for both. If stress makes it difficult one might even step back.

The result: Our children enjoy staying with relatives and friends. The older travel longer distances there alone by public transportation with ease. 

Is all of this necessary? It depends. Some say that it develops naturally anyway, that there is no need to foster autonomy as the children go for it on their own. Do what fits you. Now you have one more idea what and how.