Request for tahara that non-Jewish funeral home is unable to meet; what should the the funeral home do?

[H. Wulf]

How would you recommend a non-Jewish funeral home proceed under the following circumstances?

• ·        The funeral home has received a meit;
  
• ·        The family and the meit are Jewish;
  
• ·        The meit, before dying, and the family have requested that tahara be done;
  
• ·        The funeral home is unable to find a chevra kaddisha that can perform the tahara; and
  
• ·        The funeral home has all the supplies to perform a tahara and an instruction manual.
  

The extremes of what the non-Jewish funeral home staff might do seem to be:

• ·        Do what they would do in the case of a non-Jew.  That is, clean the meit, dress it in street clothes and casket the meit.
  
• ·        Do the physical motions of a tahara without any of the liturgy.  That is, wash the meit, rinse and dry the meit, dress the meit properly in tachrichim, place the meit in the casket, place a passul tallit around its shoulders, wrap it in the sovev, put shards over the eyes and mouth, sprinkle Israeli earth in the aron, and put on the lid.
  

In addition to commenting on the actions that should be taken, we would be interested in knowing why you chose either extreme or some middle position in relation to the concepts of K’vod haMet, Nichum Avelim, and community values about treatment of a meit.  Feel free to draw outside the box on this.

[Laurie Kurs]

I would be curious to know if the FH advertises itself as providing Jewish fuenrals.   IF they do...I would feel they would need to IMPORT from  no matter how far away - expenses paid - to assure a PROPER TAHARA - IF they advertise that they do provide Jewish Funerals.

 

IF THEY DO NOT ADVERTISE AS SUCH, I do not think think they should touch the body at all.  Bury as is.

 

In my opinion, the very traditions and rituals, rites and ceremonies that we as Jews perform are, in and of themselves, merely acts....it is our "Jewishness" that brings the act to a level of more than merely an act.   What brings the sacred and the holy to an act is not the mere performance of the act - not the mere following of the rules and regulations - But when the Jewish heart is truly engagged in connecting with a rite that they know in their gut is a Jewish act that other Jews have done before.  An act based in our faith is treasured and revered when it is the carried out by other Jews, with other Jews - for other Jews.

 

A close analogy that I experienced  happenend when I was doing an over night at the hospital.  I received a call that a baby was dying and, as the on call chaplain - would I come and babtise the infant.   I called the priest who said rather than he come in...he would defer to me and I could do it.  I explained I am Jewish to which he responded it didn't matter.   DIDN"T MATTER?  How could it not matter  - and not matter to him???  I was shocked.  Of course I  could read whatever the form stated.  However, the "words" and feelings and sentiments would be less than genuine - as I didn't believe one word I was to read...and some of the phrases I could barely utter and others words I wouldn't be comfortable saying at all. 

 

In spite of the fact that I told the priest that I was Jewish, in spite of the fact that I told the priest I would not be comfortable saying the words, in spite of the fact that I told the priest  that I could not with a full heart do what was being asked....in spote of the fact that I was honest to say that I find the words  meaningless - The priest was found none of these reasons as reasons to not perform a religious  rite.   He was alright with me doing it anyway and he saw nothing amiss in a Jew perfoming this act.,...an act which in my opinion would be reduced to a perfunctory, meaningless exercise. 

 

In my opinion, though the efforts of the funeral home are well meaning...they are, by necessity - be empty and void of Jewish religious significance and would thus be nothuing kmoere than show.  I don't see value in promoting a show.............it lacks the kavana and kavod we owe the mait.

 

Laurie

 

 

 

i
From: "H. Wulf" <hw...@juno.com>
To: jewish-...@googlegroups.com
Subject: [jewish-funerals] Request for tahara that non-Jewish funeral home is unable to meet; what should the the funeral home do?

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[sa...@shirchadash.nocoxmail.com]

You NEVER refuse the possibility of doing a tahara; that is my opinion.  If ou are able to give that meit an opportunity to go to their final resting place by performing the tahara, you do it.  NO questions asked and you do as much if not all of the liturgy you can; that is our purpose.

Sandy Lassen

Executive Director

Shir Chadash Conservative Synagogue

3737 W. Esplanade Ave. N

Metairie, La 70002

504-889-1144

[stuart.kelman]

I'd challenge the fact that they couldn't find a CK.  Import a leader from somewhere else and gather 3 other Jews.

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stuart

[cil...@comcast.net]

I'd suggest they do the whole thing, including the liturgy. Why skip the liturgy? I believe God and the meit can hear the prayers of everyone, Jewish or not.

Susan

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------ Original Message ------

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[Kerry Swartz]

Is this a hypothetical situation or is someone in limbo?

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[H. Wulf]

Laurie,

 

Thank you for your comments. 

 

The funeral home advertises that it will provide the facilities and supplies to do a Jewish funeral.  Doing tahara is the Jewish community’s responsibility.  The cost of importing one or more persons would be borne by the family.

 

I have a couple of questions about importing people:

·        What if the cost of importing a person or a group is too much?  Suppose, for example, the family is indigent.

·        Would the timing make a difference?  For example, what if the funeral were delayed several days before you could organize a proper tahara? 

 

Your comparison to baptizing the baby is very interesting.  In that instance, I, too, would be very uncomfortable being placed in that position.  There is, I think, another side to your position to consider.  Are you substituting what’s important to you for what’s important to the priest – and probably the baby’s family – if you didn’t do it?  In my life I’ve done many things that were perfunctory for me, but had deep meaning for other people. It might be a kind word, a handwritten note, organizing tahara and shmira – actions I’ve forgotten, but that had, and still have, great importance to them.  Is this an instance where living a life of ma’asim tovim takes precedence?

 

           Henry  

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[H. Wulf]

Sandy,

Thank you for your comment.  Please clarify one thing to make sure I understand you correctly: are you advocating the position that K'vod haMeit means that, as a last resort, the non-Jewish funeral home staff do as complete a tahara as possible, including the liturgy?

       Henry

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[cil...@comcast.net]

Henry -

I would say that if the funeral home does not have people who can provide taharah, then advertising that they can provide a Jewish funeral may be considered to be false advertising and anything they do, short of importing a team, may be considered to be "bait and switch." Now, if in their advertising they make it clear that the family would have to pay to bring in people to do the taharah, that's another thing. Or, if they make it clear that the services will be provided by people who are not Jewish, that may be okay as well.

The preference would be for them to refer those who want a Jewish funeral and preparation to a funeral home which can provide those services directly without the extra cost of bringing in a team. I understand, though, there may not be a Jewish funeral home nearby, so they may need to do the best they can do. But their advertising needs to be clear, and not misleading about what they can provide.

Susan

---

From: "H. Wulf" <hw...@juno.com>
To: "jewish-funerals" <jewish-...@googlegroups.com>
Sent: Sunday, July 27, 2014 10:48:37 AM
Subject: Re: [jewish-funerals] Request for tahara that non-Jewish funeral home is unable to meet; what should the the funeral home do?

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[sa...@shirchadash.nocoxmail.com]

While I agree that the funeral home could follow the instructions to do the tahara, I do not think that there use of our liturgy would be appropriate, but if they could fine one Jewish person who is willing to read the prayers, even in English, that would certainly make a difference in my opinion.  Rabbi Stuart Kelman taught me that you do a tahara at any cost and whenever possible and I do believe he is absoutely right!  At least that is what my 100 year old + Chevra Kadisha practices in the New Orleans area.

Sandy Lassen

Executive Director

Shir Chadash Conservative Synagogue

3737 W. Esplanade Ave. N

Metairie, La 70002

504-889-1144

On Sun, Jul 27, 2014 at 12:56 PM, H. Wulf wrote:

 Sandy,

Thank you for your comment.  Please clarify one thing to make sure I understand you correctly: are you advocating the position that K'vod haMeit means that, as a last resort, the non-Jewish funeral home staff do as complete a tahara as possible, including the liturgy?

       Henry

On Sunday, July 27, 2014 12:39:21 AM UTC-4, sa...@shirchadash.nocoxmail.com wrote: You NEVER refuse the possibility of doing a tahara; that is my opinion.  If ou are able to give that meit an opportunity to go to their final resting place by performing the tahara, you do it.  NO questions asked and you do as much if not all of the liturgy you can; that is our purpose.

Sandy Lassen

Executive Director

Shir Chadash Conservative Synagogue

3737 W. Esplanade Ave. N

Metairie, La 70002

504-889-1144

On Fri, Jul 25, 2014 at 3:30 PM, H. Wulf wrote:

  How would you recommend a non-Jewish funeral home proceed under the following circumstances?

   • ·         The funeral home has received a meit;

   • ·         The family and the meit are Jewish;

   • ·         The meit, before dying, and the family have requested that tahara be done;

   • ·         The funeral home is unable to find a chevra kaddisha that can perform the tahara; and

   • ·         The funeral home has all the supplies to perform a tahara and an instruction manual.

The extremes of what the non-Jewish funeral home staff might do seem to be:

   • ·         Do what they would do in the case of a non-Jew.   That is, clean the meit, dress it in street clothes and casket the meit.

   • ·         Do the physical motions of a tahara without any of the liturgy.   That is, wash the meit, rinse and dry the meit, dress the meit properly in tachrichim, place the meit in the casket, place a passul tallit around its shoulders, wrap it in the sovev, put shards over the eyes and mouth, sprinkle Israeli earth in the aron, and put on the lid.

In addition to commenting on the actions that should be taken, we would be interested in knowing why you chose either extreme or some middle position in relation to the concepts of K’vod haMet, Nichum Avelim, and community values about treatment of a meit.  Feel free to draw outside the box on this.

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[Laurie Kurs]

Laurie, Thank you for your comments. 

 The funeral home advertises that it will provide the facilities and supplies to do a Jewish funeral.  Doing tahara is the Jewish community’s responsibility.   Then it would seem appropriate to reach out to the jewish community as Sandy suggested.  

 I have a couple of questions about importing people:

·        What if the cost of importing a person or a group is too much?  Suppose, for example, the family is indigent. There is always the possibility that the chevre wouold waive fees if the family is destitute.  There is always some rabbis discretionary fund that might fill in the need.
 

·        Would the timing make a difference?  For example, what if the funeral were delayed several days before you could organize a proper tahara?  It is not unusual for scheduling to be an issue...you work together to work it out.   

Your comparison to baptizing the baby is very interesting.  In that instance, I, too, would be very uncomfortable being placed in that position.  There is, I think, another side to your position to consider.  Are you substituting what’s important to you for what’s important to the priest – and probably the baby’s family – if you didn’t do it?  In my life I’ve done many things that were perfunctory for me, but had deep meaning for other people. It might be a kind word, a handwritten note, organizing tahara and shmira – actions I’ve forgotten, but that had, and still have, great importance to them.  Is this an instance where living a life of ma’asim tovim takes precedence?

 I don't agree with the premise "substituting what’s important to you for what’s important to the priest".... I am of the opinion that sacredness and profaning the holy are opposites.  If I had agreed to baptize the baby - what exactly would I be agreeing to?  I would be agreeing to KNOWINGLY going thu steps that are totally meaningless to me and even sayng words that are even more meaningless to me.  BUT, I - taking on that responsibility would then feel that i would need to say the words with conviction, with feeling or at least not monotone that might alert the listening parents that my heart is not in it.  As a matter of fact, everything I would be saying would be causing me to lie. 

I don't believe we have to put on an act for Hashem.  Hashem knows the deal....and I doubt that phoniness, lying and pretending are expected or required.  Since any nurse, any christian available can carry out the baptism...why would it be more meaningful to the family to learn a non-believer...(oy a bruch) a JEW....did it?   HHm, would I ask the priest to say viduii with my patient solely because I didn't feel like showing up??  Nope, and I don't think Hashem would either as it is my communal, religious and personal responsibility to be  - responsible!

As far as ma’asim tovim - I don't see a Christian benefiting from taking on a Jewish rite - nor would it be a sacred deed - no matter what the noble reason.  Should a non Jew be counted in a minyan if there are only 9?  If a chazan can't make it to shul - should his good pal the christian baratone fill in and take the chazans place?  Say a bracha? Don tefilin?  CAN HE?  Of course - he can...but,  I think when we start to muddle the waters we can expect mud.  What;s fair is afairt...if I don't want non jews engaging in Jewish rites or liturgy...I don't think we should be doing christian rites. 

So, while my views may be radically different than most....I do stand by them.

Laurie

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[Kerry Swartz]

It's been our experience, including one recently, that you call the
nearest Chabad center and let them loose with this. The funeral home
will have a Minyan for Kaddish on its hands in no time.

[Aptaker]

Who is doing the comforting and who is to be comforted?

As others have said, you dig deep into the community to find a chevra somewhere, or short of that, 4 or 5 Jewish persons that can do "the best they can".

Short of that, you would alert the family that "Jewish resources" are not available but the ritual could be performed by non-Jews at the funeral home (with Jewish instructions/input, etc.) The ritual is for the deceased, and secondarily for the family. The family should have the first right of refusal if they don't want it done by non-Jews.

Many a Rabbi/Jewish Chaplain has given "Last Rites" to Catholic boys dying on the battlefield (and I'm sure vice versa). It was not for the Rabbi to feel "comfortable". It was for the Rabbi to help the dying feel comforted.

We don't have a lock on the philosophy of "do the best we can". Hopefully, a non-Jewish mortuary would understand the sacredness and integrity of our ritual, and do the best they could (assuming that the family approves of this).

So, I'd ask again, in this supposedly "selfless" act we perform, who is it that actually needs to be comfortable and comforted?

Rich Aptaker

[Rick Light]

Henry,

In my opinion, the funeral home cannot meet the requested needs of the family.  Hence they should contact another funeral home who can meet those needs, and transfer the meit to that home to have a proper Jewish funeral performed, including Taharah.  The first funeral home, if they are professional about it, could then offer to help ensure the family meets with the proper personnel at the new funeral home and to ensure their needs are in fact being met.

If there are no other funeral homes to consider, then the most kavod hameit we can offer is that they do not embalm nor cremate the body, that it be treated with respect.  They have the option of doing a "non-Jewish" Taharah - like the Final Kindness procedure - performed by non-Jews as a way to honor the deceased.  That would be my recommendation for this situation, if they cannot transfer to a funeral home who can perform Taharah.

Many blessings,

    Rick

[Laurie Kurs]

 

For me, the idea that anyone (not Jewish) can do anything (Jewish) is not on the mark.  If one were to follow that line of thinking, why bother with a rabbi to officiate at a Jewish wedding desired by the family to be held on yom kippur...any priest will do it.  I realize that there is a wide and broad spectrum of jewish belief.....which would allow for such varying opinions.  I also realize that for many, like myself, the idea of "muddying" the waters is not desirable nor necessary.

 

For me I can liken a gentile doing a jewish riual to a card carrying communist waving an American Flag on the 4th of July.  Can he "celebrate" the 4th....sure, but the reality is...there is an innate disengenuous disconnect in the very act.

 

In the rationales provided previoulsy I would counter that for me, it would be far more meaningful if someone offered to share a prayer that is meaningful to them with me, then try to offer something meaningless to them.  in hopes I will find meaing in it.

 

We can go round and round on this which only serves to prove that we Jews are rarely of one mind. 

Again, just my opinion.....

Laurie

 

iest Sent: Monday, July 28, 2014 at 9:49 AM
From: Aptaker <rapt...@comcast.net>
To: jewish-...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Re: [jewish-funerals] Request for tahara that non-Jewish funeral home is unable to meet; what should the the funeral home do?