'The Rebellious Teenager'- Phase of Life or Symptom of Authoritarianism?

[Joy Ridgway]

Hi DSM'ers...I've been pondering lately about my own teenage years and
contemplating my 7 yr old's future teenage years. I'm curious about
our societal idea that teenagers are 'rebellious.'

Merriam Webster defines 'rebellion' as 'opposition to one in authority
or dominance.'

I am wondering if 'rebellion' happens at all if a teenager has grown
up in a liberal democratic environment (assume both home and school),
where their individual freedoms are respected and they have a direct
say in shaping the environment around them. Is 'rebellion' a
'biological' phase of growing up? Or is it a symptom of being raised
in an authoritarian environment where individuality is not
respected?

I'm especially interested in hearing from Sudbury parents who adhere
to principles of liberal democracy in the home, and I'm also
interested in hearing from people who were raised in a liberally
democratic home/school environment. What are/were the teenage years
like?

My thinking is that if one has never experienced prolonged domination
by another person/institution, then one has nothing to rebel against.
I am thinking of the following analogy- let's say that during my
childhood, my parents forced me to eat broccoli everyday because they
believed daily broccoli consumption was 'for my own good.' I grow
into an adult and I go into a buffet where one of the items is steamed
broccoli- I cuss out the broccoli and experience emotional reactivity
to the item. I defiantly put string beans on my plate instead. But
let's say someone else was raised in a home where they were always
able to choose what they wanted to eat, and never forced to eat
anything they didn't like...they go to the same buffet and they are
able to pass on the broccoli and choose string beans instead, with no
emotional reactivity whatsoever. We both end up choosing the same
item, but the other person chose without opposition/rebellion on their
part.

In this analogy, I was the one who grew up in an authoritarian
environment that did not respect my own personal choices...whereas the
other person grew up in an environment that respected their individual
desires.

I like what Daniel Greenberg said in one of his essays (don't remember
which one) about why teenagers spend so many hours on the phone
talking about 'seemingly' trivial things...that underneath the
'triviality,' they are figuring out who they are, how they relate to
society, etc. How to be independent within an interdependent world.
To me, this does not mean rebellion has to occur...one can discuss/
debate the virtues and vices of broccoli without having a personal
opposition to broccoli, and one can even decide to eat or not eat
broccoli as a matter of personal preference rather than as an act of
rebellion.

My guess is that a child who was raised in a liberal democracy at home
and school will still go through all the questioning/intense
conversing/reconstructing in their teenage years, minus the rebellion
part. Would anyone who has direct experience with this please share
their perspective?

[Alan Klein]

My experience matches your hypothesis, both for myself and my brothers growing up and for my kids, as well.

~Alan

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[Karen Hyams]

Can you explain what you mean by "liberal democracy"? As with the word "rebellion", the context in which you are using it matters.

I think the defiance you can see in a teen can be the result of more than one thing. Teens often feel as if no adult can understand how they feel, for example, and the behavior that results from that might be seen as rebellion. Sometimes kids make poor choices as a result of a lack of experience and judgement, and that can be seen as rebellion, too.

I hoped that our son's school experience would help him (and us) in his teen years, and that seems to be the case. I would not describe our household as a liberal democracy, but I hope he feels that his opinions matter and that he is heard.  When there were the occasional times when I told him that he needed to do something because I was using my judgement rather than his, I believe he's understood that I wasn't arbitrarily imposing something on him.

I know teens who have had a traditional education and thoughtful, respectful parents, and not gone through a "rebellious" period. Often they have come up with their own ways to get out of the system as soon as possible, or ways to make the experience at least bearable. My own kid has been a delight so far, but I know that in spite of all we've done that could change any day. He's moody, but that's not rebellion it's hormones.

Karen

On Fri, Aug 19, 2011 at 7:13 AM, Alan Klein <Al...@klein.net> wrote:

My experience matches your hypothesis, both for myself and my brothers growing up and for my kids, as well.

~Alan

On Fri, Aug 19, 2011 at 2:01 AM, Joy Ridgway <joy.ri...@gmail.com> wrote:

Hi DSM'ers...I've been pondering lately about my own teenage years and
contemplating my 7 yr old's future teenage years.  I'm curious about
our societal idea that teenagers are 'rebellious.'

Merriam Webster defines 'rebellion' as 'opposition to one in authority
or dominance.'

I am wondering if 'rebellion' happens at all if a teenager has grown
up in a liberal democratic environment (assume both home and school),
where their individual freedoms are respected and they have a direct
say in shaping the environment around them.

--
Vegetarian recipes, meal plans and cooking tips:
http://thedailygrindchopandfry.com

[Sally Rosloff]

LOL, you sound like me 15 years ago! My husband and I would have conversations about this, saying almost the same things.

This is a settled question for me...I am on the other side of it now and for me it's not even a question, not debatable. My kids are now 22 and 25; they grew up in a home where we as parents respected them and worked to have good communication and relationship. They unschooled from the middle of 8th grade for our son and after 9th grade for our daughter. If we'd had a Sudbury school in southern California they would have gone there.

There were a few bumps along the way of course but we always discussed everything together and when we very occasionally made an executive decision, so to speak, they usually went along with it based on the strength of that respect and communication.

When friends and acquaintances would be bemoaning their teenagers being in that rebellious phase and how awful it was, we would just exchange knowing looks. It became clearer and clearer to us that teens are being given plenty to rebel against and you reap what you sow, so to speak, but we did feel compassion for those families because everyone was just so unconscious about it, and still are.

Another point is that people of course are all very different, with different temperaments and styles. So some just more naturally tend to challenge things while others are more easy going. Which means parents need to be attuned to that and see each child individually, just as we do adults.

We get a lot of unsolicited feedback now on how great our kids are, and we enjoy them immensely.
Sally

[Alan Morse]

If you have not seen Susannah Sheffer's "A Sense of Self," (http://www.amazon.com/Sense-Self-Listening-Homeschooled-Adolescent/dp/0867094052/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1313769182&sr=8-1), you really should track down a copy.  It's a study of 55 homeschooled girls...and confirms (in my mind, at least) much of what you speculate.

My personal experience raising a teenage daughter in parallel households with my ex confirms it as well.  She is a terror in the other household (when confronted with authoritarian, bullying adults) but a reasonable kid in a more respectful environment:  still a teenager, for sure, but the rebellion and anger largely switch on and off depending on her environment.  Related to the 3rd comment in this thread (Karen's), she tells her stepmom-equivalent and me that we are the ONLY people in the world who understand what she's up against.  (I must say I don't understand the turmoil as much as she gives me credit for, but I'll run with it.)

I am enough of a sucker for punishment that I've sat on the local school board at least 12 of the last 18 years, and cringe at the rampant disrespect I see for children and the blind eye teachers, administrators, and parents turn toward the clear consequences of their bullying for children.  It makes me very sad as I've watched it get worse, not better.  Also makes me wonder how adults can possibly forget so easily their own teen years.

          --Alan Morse
 

[Joseph Moore]

We have 4 teenagers at the moment (one turns 20 in a couple weeks), all of whom spent or are spending their k-12-ish years in a Sudbury School.

They are some of the nicest, most considerate people I know. For example, we just went camping for 3 days, no fuss, no fighting, everybody pitched in.

There are other factors besides Sudbury, but I think it is an important one.

A data point.

[Melissa Bradford]

One of my favorite topics!

 

Actually, there is a substantial body of research called Self Determination Theory that provides an interesting framework for this question.  It's an area of psychology research I've been doing a lot of reading on lately, and I find it very interesting and compatible with the Sudbury model of education, so forgive me if I take this opportunity share some of my extensive notes about it.  I promise I'll get to the question of the rebellious teenager at the end! 

 

SDT is concerned with motivation, and how to support our natural or intrinsic tendencies to behave in effective and healthy ways.  The theory argues that humans have an intrinsic motivation to approach activities that are interesting, optimally challenging, and spontaneously satisfying.  The SDT view of socialization is that people have an inherent orientation toward growth and development that is energized and sustained by psychological needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness. 

 

SDT research is showing that people of all ages need to feel autonomy, relatedness and competence in order to develop and maintain an authentic, integrated self and sense of well-being. Autonomy refers to choice, endorsement and volition regarding behavior. Relatedness is a general sense of belonging; warmth and caring received from interactions with others. Competence means effectiveness in interacting with the social and physical world.  

 

This theory has been successfully applied to many situations, including schools, parenting, exercise, addiction, and even the process of coming out for people who identify as LGBT.  Here's some of what I've read about SDT and its relevance to raising teens.

 

Adolescence, of course, means big physical, emotional and intellectual changes.  We as parents can either foster, or undermine, the tasks of adolescence by supporting teens' autonomy, relatedness and competence development.  SDT research has been shown this to have many positive effects on a teen's ability to self-regulate, on their well-being and healthy psychological growth. 

 

I'd like talk in a little more detail about each of these areas.

 

Autonomy

 

Teens are trying to figure out who they are.  Supporting their autonomy has been shown to be important for teens' identity formation.  The literature describes this as doing things like taking their perspective, acknowledging their feelings, providing meaningful rationales, minimizing controlling language and pressure when setting limits, giving choices, and allowing criticism and independent thinking.  In other words, treat them as equals!  This is what we do at Sudbury schools, and also how many of us try to apply those values to our parenting.

 

Relatedness

 

Providing environments that support their relatedness helps teens transition from child-like ties to adult mutuality, and form enduring and satisfying relationships outside the family.  A traditional school setting is about the opposite of this type of environment, as my daughter found when she tried public school for a year when she was a teen.  Her main complaint was how shallow and unsatisfying all the relationships were, both with peers and with adults.  On the other hand, a Sudbury environment fosters a profound sense of community and belonging in our experience.  As parents, the thing to steer clear of is conditional regard that undermines relatedness, i.e. rewards & punishments, or loving approval when a child complies, and withdrawal of love when they do not.  (See Alfie Kohn's article about conditional regard, http://www..nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?_r=2 or Naomi Aldort's article about getting out of the way, http://www.aldort.com/articles3.html)

 

Competence

 

Allowing teens to find tasks that provide optimal challenge, which children tend to do when allowed to determine how to spend their time and are with other children in a mixed-age environment, has been shown to help them find and develop their vocational and avocational interests, as well as to pursue satisfying education and work.  Children naturally want challenges, because otherwise they are bored. In addition, when children are with their peers, they tend to stretch themselves to meet challenges they might not have the confidence to try on their own.  This is similar to Vygotsky's concept of the zone of proximal development, something Peter Gray and Jay Feldman studied at SVS.   http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/200809/why-we-should-stop-segregating-children-age-part-i-the-value-play-in-the-z.  An implication for parenting is that we should avoid undermining this process by making sure we don't give our teens discouraging feedback.

 

What happens when a teen's needs for autonomy, relatedness and competence are not met?  According to the research, parents foster the child's insecurity, and as a result, they are more susceptible to conformity and self-conciousness.  They are more insecure, have more extrinsic, or superficial goals (beauty, materialism), and have difficulty self-regulating.  They exhibit more high-risk behaviors.  They are more likely to acquire an identity as a way to compensate for their needs being met, instead of developing an authentic identity.

 

Here's where the rebellious teen comes in.  The research on SDT and adolescence shows that by not satisfying a teen's need for autonomy, they feel pressured into compliance.  It creates exernal motivations where the teen's choice is either to comply or rebel.  If they comply, the result may be that the parents see acceptable behavior at the time, but once the pressure is gone, the compliance stops.  Also, the compliance is associated with the teen experiencing psychological discord and ill-being.  The other option is to rebel, which is also not an expression of the teen's authentic self.

 

The negative result from not meeting the teen's need for relatedness results in contingent self-esteem, a sense of internal compulsion (doing because I "should", not because I want to), inner conflict, depression, defensiveness, emotional stress, high levels of self-criticism, shame and guilt after failure, anxiety, short-lived satisfaction after success.

 

On the other hand, research on parents who support their teen's need for autonomy and relatedness shows that those teens have authentic identities, integrated motivation, persistence, adaptive behavior a better sense of well-being, and feel free to pursue their interests.

 

My personal experience concurs with this.  My parents were authoritarian, or in the terms of SDT, they did not support my autonomy, and they did not support my relatedness because they gave me conditional regard.  I was compliant until I became a teen, then I became rebellious.  I experienced all the negative effects listed above - every one of them!  The hardest part has been the way the external motivation became internalized in my head, what SDT calls "introjection", always having that voice of what I "should" do, or what other people think, running through my mind, rather than being able to connect with my authentic inner voice.  It's something I still have to work on from time to time.

 

As a parent, I've tried very hard, thanks to the inspiration given me by the Sudbury model of education, to raise my teens differently.  It's not been easy.  Something else the literature shows is that parents who have not had their needs for autonomy and relatedness met in childhood are more likely not to meet their children's needs for autonomy and relatedness.  (This helps me be more compassionate toward my parents, knowing they experienced the same thing.)  What I've done is to always hold on to the very simple notion that my children are equal, autonomous individuals, kept me grounded. 

 

Now my children are 16 and 18.  For the most part, they are neither rebellious, nor compliant.  They don't see the need.  I feel they are pretty darn authentic.  I think they also look at me as an equal, giving me sincere, heartfelt and loving respect (which is mutual) because we are family, but not ever bowing down to me as an authority.  We are very close.  They find it quite mysterious when they see other teens who are either compliant or rebellious.  I remember the shock my daughter felt when she heard the contempt and rebelliousness other teens expressed when she went to high school.  She was also quite amazed recently when a 20 year old coworker completely submitted to her mother's authority when her mother intervened in a work situation, even though the coworker disagreed with her mother's actions.

 

I'd be interested to hear others' thoughts on these ideas.

 

Melissa

 

 

Tallgrass Sudbury School...because life is not standardized.

www.tallgrasssudbury.org

 

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[Melissa]

autonomy has been shown to be important for teens' identity

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[Mike South]

On Fri, Aug 19, 2011 at 11:13 AM, Alan Morse <alan...@gmail.com> wrote:

... 

I am enough of a sucker for punishment that I've sat on the local school board at least 12 of the last 18 years, and cringe at the rampant disrespect I see for children and the blind eye teachers, administrators, and parents turn toward the clear consequences of their bullying for children. 

Wow.  As much as I've thought about bullying and how often the teachers and many parents just seem to accept that bullying is "part of growing up" or whatever, I have never connected that idea to it--that bullying is such a regular part of what the school does to children, it makes sense that they would tolerate it when children in their care do it to each other.

It makes me very sad as I've watched it get worse, not better.  Also makes me wonder how adults can possibly forget so easily their own teen years.

Never underestimate human capacity for repression and denial.

mike

          --Alan Morse

 

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[Anya]

Melissa,
Thank you so much for your wonderful post! I am exploring the same
ideas right now and would love to hear what your favorite books on
this subject are.

Anya

[Alan Morse]

Absolutely correct, Mike.  I truly believe, after 3 decades as a teacher, parent, and board member, that bullying starts at the top.  Kids are just the bottom dog:  exquisitely sensitive to hypocrisy and violence of all sorts perpetrated on them, frustrated by the power imbalances, eager to learn by example, and prone to lash out themselves on those with even less power.  As a board member, I've fought constantly the bullying of teachers by administrators, principals by the supt, and even the supts' bullying of the board.  Each level passes it to the next:  again, the bottom dog syndrome.  I've also fought the institutional bullying of kids through the language and attitude of innocuous documents like the "student handbook," rules of conduct, grades and forms.  It all rests on the kids as a nearly unbearable weight, and takes its toll....and then the adults, with their infinite hypocrisy and willful blindness to their own role, beat up the kids yet again for schoolyard bullying and teenage rage.

I am also mindful and sympathetic to the political bullying of superintendents by the politicians riding their backs, and to the bullying of politicians by the corporate powers riding theirs.  Kids' anger and meanness to each other arise out of a towering social context, with culpability shared from Michelle Rhee to Bill Gates, from McGraw-Hill to the school door.

[jon owens]

Don't forget bullying from the public, parents, and media on the teachers, schoolboard, and administration. It's endemic and certainly not limited to just schools! Great topic-very eye opening.

[Melissa Bradford]

Hi, Anya,

I first read about SDT in Daniel Pink's book, Drive. His book focuses on
the implications for business, but at the end he has a section about
education. There's a paragraph about unschooling, and a paragraph about the
Sudbury Valley School, which I thought was pretty cool, since I was the one
who told Dan about SVS around 10 years ago.

Since then, I've mostly been reading the actual published research articles.
You can find much of it on the SDT website,
http://www.sustainengagement.com/, or through an online library database.

I also read Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation by Deci &
Flaste. I liked this one, but it was written in 1996, I think. The next
one I want to read is a little more recent - The Handbook of
Self-Determination Research by Deci & Ryan.

Right now I'm looking at psychology departments in the Chicago area in the
hopes of finding someone I can do graduate work with in the area of SDT and
free schools or unschooling.

Melissa

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To: "Discuss Sudbury Model" <discuss-su...@googlegroups.com>
Sent: Saturday, August 20, 2011 6:13 AM
Subject: [DSM] Re: 'The Rebellious Teenager'- Phase of Life or Symptom of
Authoritarianism?

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[Melissa]

Hi, Anya,

I hope this doesn't end up as a double post. I sent this yesterday,
but it didn't appear....

I first read about SDT in Daniel Pink's book, Drive. His book focuses
on
the implications for business, but at the end he has a section about
education. There's a paragraph about unschooling, and a paragraph
about the

Sudbury Valley School, which I thought was pretty cool, since I was
the one

who told Dan about SVS around 10 years ago.

Since then, I've mostly been reading the actual published research
articles.
You can find much of it on the SDT website,
http://www.sustainengagement.com/, or through an online library
database.

I also read Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation by
Deci &
Flaste. I liked this one, but it was written in 1996, I think. The
next
one I want to read is a little more recent - The Handbook of
Self-Determination Research by Deci & Ryan.

Right now I'm looking at psychology departments in the Chicago area in
the
hopes of finding someone I can do graduate work with in the area of
SDT and
free schools or unschooling.

Melissa

[Maria West]

I'm grateful to find another SVS type remaining active in public school life. Thanks for speaking up.

I'm currently involved in founding a charter school, and have Sudbury school founder in the group. My biggest fear is that we won't be able to give the kids in our school the autonomy and other good things my own kids get at SVS (and will become another part of the problem, not the solution), and which my kids didn't get when they were in public school, in spite of my ten years as parent activist and volunteer in their district school..but really good to hear others keep trying in the public school forum. THANK YOU!

Maria

[Stef Mihalcik]

"Kids are just the bottom dog:  exquisitely sensitive to hypocrisy and violence of all sorts perpetrated on them, frustrated by the power imbalances, eager to learn by example, and prone to lash out themselves on those with even less power. "

Alan!  How wonderfully concise and true...at age 14, my daughter, having been raised in a sudbury-like school from age 5, is exquisitely tuned into hypocrisy, power imbalances, and the nuances of subtle manipulation.  The sad fact that she began to notice them in her school environment has lead to her choice to be homeschooled this year...

[Alan Morse]

I have discovered many---usually older---teachers who are sympathetic but simply afraid to speak out. Their fear is justified since they are often targeted for harassment or forced out of jobs by subterfuge if they don't tow the line. I spent much of my time---and I say spent because I was temporarily maneuvered out myself last month---ensuring there are venues where people can speak safely or at least make connections with each other. For doing this, I've been threatened with bogus legal actions, had schools try to ban me from their buildings, and have put up with ridiculous personal attacks, including having the police show up at my door for supposed child sexual abuse...but I'll be back because the voters in my town now respect me, know I won't lie to them, and know I do my homework. I can't tell you the number of parents, teachers, relatives of teachers, and other concerned neighbors who stop me in the store or show up at my door to thank me. Even an anti-social old bastard like me appreciates the thanks. 

       --apm

[Jim Whiteford]

Depressing yet true how you described the culture of bullying that pervades our society at all levels... Yet how in the end uplifting that many people still have the ability to recognise and support something good when they see it, and thank you for it.

Sending appreciation from afar.

Jim. 

Sent from my iPhone

[dem...@att.net]

This is a fairly interesting topic to me. Two years ago I decided to get an administrator's license because I think it helps our work to be able to speak "traditional education" when needed. We had several lectures by the folks at the U of O who designed Positive Behavior Support (PBS) which is a behavior modification technique used in nearly all public schools in Oregon, and has spread to several other states and countries. The system required that adults in the environment have between 5-10 positive exchanges with individual students before they have a negative one. So adults are walking around consciously going out of their ways to smile, say hello by name, compliment students, so that when they have to discipline students it will have more punch. It's highly effective-as you might expect (so I'm not misunderstood in e-mail, it's effective not benign). My favorite part is every time I've seen it's developers speak to large groups of educators they frame the need for excessive niceness as a counter to the "essentially punitive environment of school, punitive because kids don't want to be there"

(their words not mine). And no one bats an eye. When I worked at a Sudbury school, kids used to complain about weekends, summer vacation, and once I had a kid try to sneak past me when I went outside to tell her parents we were having a snow day.

Oh and I think it makes teenagers less rebellious too. Because they have adults who are rooting for them both at school and at home. I also don't think having little kids around to help, mentor and tolerate doesn't hurt either.

Sent from my iPhone

[Jesse Fisher]

My experience shows both sides - After my parents' divorce, I rebelled
[violently] against my domineering older brother, but not at all
against my parentally-absent mother as, in her case, there was no
tyranny to rebel against.

[Joy Ridgway]

Rebellion and bullying are two sides of the same coin...as I reflected
on all the comments in this thread, I realized that I have been my
kids' biggest bully. I love the phrase 'kids are just the
underdog'...it captures so much of what I have experienced- Every time
I attempted to substitute my will for the will of my kids, I was
bullying them. And what hurt me the most was seeing my 7 yr old bully
my four yr old...who would probably then do it to the baby as he got
older (currently 2 months old). That pain gave me the kick in the
rear to act on an impetus that's been nagging at me ever since I began
reading about SVS last year- change our family mode from being
'authoritarian-based' to one based on the same principles of liberal
democracy that SVS bases itself on. I had this distinct feeling that
if things continued in this autocratic way, then I'd 'lose' my
children before they became teens- I was already losing them anyway in
that our emotional connection was deteriorating.

So about a month ago, we took the leap as a family. We scrapped the
authoritarian structure and are transitioning to an SVS-type mode, but
tailored for our family size/dynamics. We've got a Family Law Book
and our own version of JC, and we are working out the kinks as we go
along. Since my kids do not attend a Sudbury school (we may be moving
to Kauai in order to do so!), we are doing our best by drawing on
reading material.

This has been a hugely trans-formative experience for us. Whining/eye-
rolling/passive aggressive anger has virtually disappeared from our
household...and even when someone says 'no fair' about having to do
something because it is a rule (usually, they say it in relation to
cleaning up a mess they made), they look pretty sheepish about it
because they remember having voted for that very rule.

The joy that springs in my heart every day comes from seeing my
children flourish and 'come into their own' in this new environment-
they know that they are empowered, that their voice matters as much as
any grown up's voice. They feel safer knowing that the rules are what
govern our family, not the arbitrary authority of the adults. As for
me and my husband...we do our best to support each other with whatever
discomforts arise as we transition to a new worldview. We are seeing
how addicted we were to control, and the price our kids were having to
pay for our addiction. To us, this transitioning has been infinitely
worth it because our kids are infinitely worth it.

Thanks for all your sharing...I find it encouraging and motivating.
And I appreciate every one of your perspectives...I find it
enriching.

To me, it makes sense for families in this country to transition to a
governing model based on the principles of liberal democracy. Danny
makes the point that we can't realistically expect authoritarian-based
schools to turn out kids who are ready to be fully-functioning and
contributing citizens of a liberal democracy. If families are even
more influential to kids' development than schools, then how much more
important is it for families to transition from autocratic rule to
democratic rule? I think that as our schools make the shift, so too
will families, businesses, and other organizations governed by our
Constitution. Then we will be coming into more and more alignment,
'top to bottom.'

[Alan Morse]

Spot-on!

[Joy Ridgway]

I wanted to share a personal memory I have that speaks to this topic
of bullying being 'passed down'-

I had just given birth to my second child, Sukhi. My son was 3 years
old at the time. I was feeling tremendous stress and overwhelm as we
went through the transition of integrating a new family member...I
remember just yelling and yelling, taking my frustration out on my
son.

At first, he'd just listen to me with a grin and then hug me when I
was done yelling. But after a few days of this, he began yelling at
the baby.

One night, I went into the bedroom to check on him, and I found him
crying. "What's wrong, Nathan?" I held him in my lap and hugged him,
looking into his teary eyes. What my 3 year old son told me just
about broke my heart-

"I don't want to yell at Sukhi anymore, Mommy...But I can't seem to
stop."

That was a punch in my stomach if I ever got one. I wanted to cry
right along with him! Poor little guy was feeling the pain of my
taking things out on him, along with his desire to be more loving to
his sister but feeling unable to be...and the only strategy that he
saw me model for easing my stress was to 'yell at the underdog.'

When I reflect on this, I realize that the problem of bullying isn't
something that I can 'fight.' I can't fight someone's pain intensely
enough to heal it. I can pass rules and legislate behavior to block
certain actions...but that does nothing to heal the pain inside from
which bullying occurs. I have to model something better, an
alternative that inspires. And thankfully...as I change my attitudes
and actions towards my kids, I witness them responding in kind almost
instantaneously. (Whew.)

All of us that are living/embody the principles of freedom/respect/
etc. and striving for ever-more alignment are 'being the change we
wish to see.' You have my sincere gratitude and appreciation...I
celebrate this group of people ever day.

[Mary Rogers]

Thank you Joy for sharing your story. It brought tears to my eyes. It is a great reminder to me to keep calm in all situations, because only I can choose how I will react.

Make a great day!
Mary

This week's quote is, "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln

-----Original Message-----
From: discuss-su...@googlegroups.com [mailto:discuss-su...@googlegroups.com] On Behalf Of Joy Ridgway

Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 6:16 PM
To: Discuss Sudbury Model
Subject: [DSM] Re: 'The Rebellious Teenager'- Phase of Life or Symptom of Authoritarianism?

--