Difficult situation (kind of long)
Troubled bride
I know this subject has come up before, but I haven't found any situations
exactly like mine and I am still troubled about what to do. My parent's
are divorced and I was raised primarily by my mother and grandmother. My
father will be attending the wedding/reception but I am unsure of what
role he should play. My mother and gradmother will be paying for the
whole wedding, I am unsure if my father will contribute anything (he
hasn't yet offered). My first question is who should I have walk me down
the aisle? I would kind of like both my parents but my mother said she
needs to think this over. I have also considered going solo, but am
hesitant for nerves more than anything. How else can I make both my
parents happy/comfortable? My second question deals with invitation
wording. How can I make my mom comfortable since her and my grandmother
are paying for it all, but not insult my father and his family by not
putting his name on the invite? Also I have never seen invites with
grandparents names on them, is this done? I have considered simply
staying something like " 'bride' and 'groom' together with their parents
..." however would this give the wrong assumption that we were footing the
bill ourselves? Is any of this important anyway,, who cares who pays for
what? HELP!!!!!! All suggestions appreciciated.
AJ Bennett
How about putting on the invitations "together with their families?"
This way, everyone will be implied while no one should feel left out.
Hope it all works out.
Ann
She Who Must Be Obeyed for Genelle & Doug, 31 May 1997
Cathy Byland
Troubled bride (jo...@asu.edu) wrote:
: parents happy/comfortable? My second question deals with invitation
: wording. How can I make my mom comfortable since her and my grandmother
: are paying for it all, but not insult my father and his family by not
: putting his name on the invite? Also I have never seen invites with
: grandparents names on them, is this done? I have considered simply
: staying something like " 'bride' and 'groom' together with their parents
: ..." however would this give the wrong assumption that we were footing the
: bill ourselves? Is any of this important anyway,, who cares who pays for
: what? HELP!!!!!! All suggestions appreciciated.
Traditionally, the names of the hosts of the wedding are on the invitation
(in your case, your mom and grandmother). But I suppose you could
circumvent the hosting thing and say something to the effect:
Troubled Bride
along with her parents and grandparents
(names of parents and grandparents optional)
requests the honour of your presence
at her marriage blah blah blah.
Cathy Byland
Kimberley Scott
In article <joe.2-24039...@ts9-8.homenet.ohio-state.edu>,
jo...@asu.edu (Troubled bride) wrote:
>I know this subject has come up before, but I haven't found any situations
>exactly like mine and I am still troubled about what to do. My parent's
>are divorced and I was raised primarily by my mother and grandmother. My
>father will be attending the wedding/reception but I am unsure of what
>role he should play. My mother and gradmother will be paying for the
>whole wedding, I am unsure if my father will contribute anything (he
>hasn't yet offered). My first question is who should I have walk me down
>the aisle? I would kind of like both my parents but my mother said she
>needs to think this over. I have also considered going solo, but am
>hesitant for nerves more than anything. How else can I make both my
>parents happy/comfortable? My second question deals with invitation
>wording. How can I make my mom comfortable since her and my grandmother
>are paying for it all, but not insult my father and his family by not
>putting his name on the invite? Also I have never seen invites with
>grandparents names on them, is this done? I have considered simply
>staying something like " 'bride' and 'groom' together with their parents
>..." however would this give the wrong assumption that we were footing the
>bill ourselves? Is any of this important anyway,, who cares who pays for
>what? HELP!!!!!! All suggestions appreciciated.
What about having your grandmother light the unity candle, your mother
walk you down the aisle, and your father share the first dance with you?
As for the invitation the wedding invite could say one of the family
variations and the reception card could read Mother and Grandmother
request the pleasure of your company at bla, bla, bla. Good luck.
-Kim (and Kevin 7-5-97)
Kirsten Carlson
Troubled bride wrote:
>
> I know this subject has come up before, but I haven't found any situations
> exactly like mine and I am still troubled about what to do. My parent's
> are divorced and I was raised primarily by my mother and grandmother. My
> father will be attending the wedding/reception but I am unsure of what
> role he should play. My mother and gradmother will be paying for the
> whole wedding, I am unsure if my father will contribute anything (he
> hasn't yet offered). My first question is who should I have walk me down
> the aisle? I would kind of like both my parents but my mother said she
> needs to think this over. I have also considered going solo, but am
> hesitant for nerves more than anything. How else can I make both my
> parents happy/comfortable? My second question deals with invitation
> wording. How can I make my mom comfortable since her and my grandmother
> are paying for it all, but not insult my father and his family by not
> putting his name on the invite? Also I have never seen invites with
> grandparents names on them, is this done? I have considered simply
> staying something like " 'bride' and 'groom' together with their parents
> ..." however would this give the wrong assumption that we were footing the
> bill ourselves? Is any of this important anyway,, who cares who pays for
> what? HELP!!!!!! All suggestions appreciciated.
I had one similar, but different. I have a father, who I am not close
to, and a stepfather who I call dad. My father was not paying for the
wedding and had not been an active part of my life. My wedding
invitations came from Emily Post and said something to the effect of
"Our joy will be more complete if you can attend the wedding of our
daughter . . ."
According to Emily Post, it can be signed at the bottom like a letter.
We did not do this. Basically, it never identified by name who was
hosting, but the returns went to my parents (mom and step dad). At the
wedding, it was very obvious who was hosting.
As for the walking down the isle, that was sort of solved by my sister
who married first. My stepfather walked us both down the isle. My
stepmother and father were seated after the grandparents but before
Joe's parents. A coursage and boutanier(sp?) were provided to all.
Earlier in my life, I had considered having my mother walk me down the
isle since she was such an important part of my life.
Basically, if you handle it with kindness, all involved should feel like
they are apprecated.
Best of luck with a difficult choice.
Kirsten (& Joe)
est. Jan. 4, 1997
Anna Bilbrough Skamarakas
My mother and gradmother will be paying for the
> > whole wedding, I am unsure if my father will contribute anything (he
> > hasn't yet offered). My first question is who should I have walk me down
> > the aisle? I would kind of like both my parents but my mother said she
> > needs to think this over. I have also considered going solo, but am
> > wording. How can I make my mom comfortable since her and my grandmother
> > are paying for it all,
As far as the invitations, there are several lovely wordings you could
use. Similar to the one you are thinking of using, so that your
grandmother is not excluded, you could use "together with their
families" as opposed to "with their parents". There are also ways to
not include anyone in the wording of the invitation, and then in your
programs you could mention a nice thank you to your mother and
grandmother for their generous help.
Walking down the aisle - well, my parents have been divorced since I was
8 and my mother flatly refused to walk down the aisle with my father. I
ended up choosing my father, but you can walk down the aisle with your
fiance. You could include both of your parents in your procession, your
mother, then your father proceeding just ahead of you, then you alone.
Another idea would be to have your father walk you down the aisle and
your mother could meet you at the end of the aisle. When your officiant
asks "who offers this woman", your mother could answer - or you could
reverse, and have your mother escort you, while your father answers.
I wish you the best!
Anna
Sandi Rollins
I'm in a very similar situation. Let's see what I can suggest.
In article <joe.2-24039...@ts9-8.homenet.ohio-state.edu>,
Troubled bride <jo...@asu.edu> wrote:
>I know this subject has come up before, but I haven't found any situations
>exactly like mine and I am still troubled about what to do. My parent's
>are divorced and I was raised primarily by my mother and grandmother. My
>father will be attending the wedding/reception but I am unsure of what
>role he should play.
OK, first comment. He doesn't need a "role to play." Semantics,
I know, but I've found word choices are *incredibly* powerful when
planning a wedding -- it's sort of like a crash course in
marketing -- it's ALL in your presentation. :^) He will be there
as Father of the Bride. This is not necessarily the same thing
as a co-host, which we'll get to in a minute.
Etiquette traditionally says that when the parents are split, it's
the custodial parent or the one to whom you are close that gets
the role of host. Questions to ask: who did I spend Xmas with? Where
did I go for summer vacation in college? Who could I ask for $$ if
I got in a tight financial spot? If your mom and grandma is your answer,
then they have the right to "host" without your dad. As a self-effacing
bride, it's hard to remember that the role of host does have some
honor and prestige attached. But it does, most especially to your
grandma, I'd guess.
If you *choose* to include your dad, that's a different matter. But
it sounds as if he's well aware of the tension, and is not demanding
a host role. That will make your life lots easier. :^)
>My mother and gradmother will be paying for the
>whole wedding, I am unsure if my father will contribute anything (he
>hasn't yet offered).
This to me is a big clue. In my experience, if he's not offering,
he's probably assuming he will not be automatically included. This
can mean he's sensitive to the nuances with your mom and granny, or it
may mean he feels he SHOULDN'T have a role in the ceremonial aspects
of the wedding. Did he leave your mom and you? Did he not provide
child support on time? All of these are emotional trigger issues,
in my experience, with fathers of divorce. Your dad may be opting
out because he's convinced you don't think he's worthy of participation.
The guilt some fathers feel does A LOT in terms of creating a distance
that's hard to get past. They imagine you're still angry, and withdraw.
Then you feel distant, and uninvolved. They respond to that indifference
by withdrawing even further, so they're not hurt even more. It
could become a vicious circle.
If you WANT him involved, start small. Talk to your mom first,
because she may have feelings about your dad's participation. (Sounds
as if she does in light of the conversation you had with her about
who escorts you down the aisle). My mom is still very volatile
about my dad, 25 years after their split. It makes some aspects
of the planning very touchy, which is why you need to think about
what YOU want, and what's important to you.
It's OK if NOT having your dad involved in the ceremony is your
preference (i.e., too much tension with your mom, conflicts over who
gets which honor). Conversely, I *want* my dad involved, regardless
of his interactions with my mom. I think of weddings as a time to
start anew, and demonstrate generous, welcoming, forgiving behavior.
>My first question is who should I have walk me down
>the aisle?
Who do you WANT to lean on, to have a few minutes before
the processional with; who do you see as supportive? Do you
feel fiercely independent? Can you do it alone? with your
fiance?
>I would kind of like both my parents but my mother said she
>needs to think this over. I have also considered going solo, but am
>hesitant for nerves more than anything. How else can I make both my
>parents happy/comfortable?
You may not be able to make both of them happy ALL the time. If you
must choose between one or the other, which would you prefer? For myself,
I chose to ask my father, even though I'm much closer to my mother.
My sister denied him that option, and my younger half-sister may
delay a marriage until after our father is gone (she's 18, he's 65).
I feel strongly that he should have this chance, since he's worked
very hard at staying in touch over 25 years.
This made my mother very upset, because she felt I was choosing
my father "over" her in terms of honor. (Even though she urged me to
ask my step-father, to whom I've NEVER been close).
As a compromise, I am highlighting my mother in other areas. I'll
make sure to thank her in a toast at the reception, dwelling longer
on her than on my dad. She will be in the dressing room with me.
She will have a monster corsage. She gets to attend dress fittings,
and do the fun things like flower selection and decoration planning.
I also plan to step to the side after the ceremony is over, and give
her a BIG hug before Dave and I walk out from the ceremony.
Are there similar things you can do for your mom and grandma, if
your dad is asked to escort you?
> My second question deals with invitation
>wording. How can I make my mom comfortable since her and my grandmother
>are paying for it all, but not insult my father and his family by not
>putting his name on the invite?
It is NOT an insult to not include your father's name on the invite
if he is not acting as host. In my opinion, it's not open-heartedly
generous to deny this, but in NO WAY should you feel as if you MUST
include his name -- especially if it were to mean leaving off the names
of your grandmother, who *is* a true host.
While I still don't know whether my father is contributing to the
wedding budget, he will have to travel for our wedding. He will
have lodging expenses my mother will not. And we are choosing to
include his name on the invites, regardless of financial considerations.
It seems more in keeping with the generous tone Dave and I would like
to set for the day. I have also told my father and stepmom that they
may invite 6 people to the wedding, as long as 1) I know them, and
2) They sit with their guests. This gives him some hosting duties, and
the feeling of a parent at the wedding (rather than a guest).
>Also I have never seen invites with
>grandparents names on them, is this done?
Yes, of course it may be done.
>I have considered simply
>staying something like " 'bride' and 'groom' together with their parents
>..." however would this give the wrong assumption that we were footing the
>bill ourselves?
Traditionally, it would imply that you are hosting the event along
with the parents. It also does not include the grandparents. Is your
grandfather alive? If you and your husband-to-be really are not planning
on host duties, you should allow the traditional wording, such as:
Ms. Jane Smith
Mr. and Mrs. Homer Jones
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding of
Samantha Smith
and
Drew Brown
son of
Mr. and Mrs. John Brown
(Note: Jane Smith = divorced mother, Mr. & Mrs. Jones your grandparents
and Mr. and Mrs. John Brown = future inlaws).
Another version I saw recently:
Please join our families
on this special occasion
when our children
Samantha Smith
and
Drew Brown
will be married....
and at the bottom, corner copy, the names of the hosts
Jane Smith
Dorothy and Homer Jones
Carol and John Brown
>Is any of this important anyway,, who cares who pays for
>what? HELP!!!!!! All suggestions appreciciated.
It's nobody's business WHO is paying. But your guests will want
to know the names of the hosts, so they can thank them at the
wedding and reception for their efforts.
Really, if you stick to simple etiquette, it can work.
Your priorities:
1) Talk to your mom. If she doesn't want to walk with both
you and your dad, is she OK if only your dad escorts you? Then
she can do something like a Unity Candle lighting, or a reading,
or you can give her your bouquet as a thank you. What about
asking her to be your Matron of Honor, if you're close? Only
you can decide how close and involved you want her to be.
2) After you and your mom have talked, speak with your
grandparents. Are they OK about including your dad? My grandparents
had some *serious* animosity towards my dad after the breakup. Perhaps
your grandparents will have a problem with this. Can both your
grandmother AND your mom escort you? Nice symbolism, in my opinion.
3) Spend some time looking at ceremonies and reception event timetables.
They'll give you ideas about other duties and items he can be included
with. Perhaps you can leave your dad out of the ceremony, and include him
with a father-daughter dance at the reception. Or ask *him* to give a reading
at the ceremony, and have your mother escort you alone. Swap the people
around like puppets in your mind, until you find a combo that feels
comfortable. :^)
4) Once you've got it lined up in your head, talk to your dad. You
can tell him that you are really looking forward to his participation
in the wedding and reception. Tell him you're looking for ways to
make him feel included, without being awkward. Tell him what you
have in mind, and ask him if that's OK with him. Be prepared to explain
your rationale! If he asks for something you've already promised
to your mom, tell him. But market this -- tell him you're looking
for solutions that make everyone at least comfortable. No one may
be ecstatically *happy*, but at least you'll be able to include
everyone in a way that's meaningful to you.
Anyway, feel free to email if you have further questions. It
starts getting tangled, I know. The big guideline here is searching
in your heart for what you want. Everything will fall into place
once you decide the level of inclusion/exclusion you need to
maintain, both for sanity's sake and familial comfort.
Sandi (& Dave, who *does* know what he's getting into!)
11/3/97