EPISODE 9: Who Wants to Be a Moronionaire
WWTBAMoronionaire Host
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Multimedia-enhanced versions of all episodes can be found at:
And now, on with the show!
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WHO WANTS TO BE A MORONIONAIRE
EPISODE NUMBER: 9
TAPE DATE: July 4, 2000 (In-DUH-pen-DUNCE Day Edition)
LOCATION: The Concertgebouw, Amsterdam, The Netherlands
HOST: David Zinkin
CO-HOSTS: Randy Amasia, Mike Klauss
SPECIAL GUEST HOSTS: Doug Morris, B.J. Brown
ANNOUNCER: Splinknip
ASSISTANTS: Randy Amasia as Wedgie Guy, Ben Schumin as WGIT (Wedgie Guy In
Training), Mike Klauss as GWPIMITFUBWF (Guy Who Punches Ignorant Morons in
the Face Until Big Welts Form), Adam Strom as Card Shark, Caleb Craig Nelson
as Trapdoor Guy, Tom Hornikel, Jay Lewis, Jamie DeVriend
JUDGE: Tom Sabbatelli
CONTESTANTS: Frank Dudash (FD...@aol.com), Tom Boggs, Seven of Alphanumerics
(AAr31...@aol.com), Zach Horan, Gant 85, DKKPlease, Scott Theis, Joe the
Logoboy (Rushf...@aol.com), Dan Brooks, Jeffrey Gray
(tserv...@veriomail.com), MrGameShw, KPath...@aol.com, Ken "Spankky"
Van Hoosier
SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY: Bob Barker, Steve Case (CEO of America Online),
Caleb Craig Nelson, Tom Hornikel, Frank Hornikel, Flipper, Peter Tomarken,
Zodiac Boy, Regis Philbin
SPONSORED BY: Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Van Hoosier Bell, Sea World,
Einstein/Noah Bagel Corporation, Jolt Cola, Trojan Condoms
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SPLINKNIP: From the world-famous Concertgebouw in Amsterdam, it's Episode 9
of WHO WANTS TO BE A MORONIONAIRE! Frank Dudash, MOVE YOUR ASS!
FRANK D.: How did WHO WANTS TO BE A MORONIONAIRE get its name?
SPLINKNIP: From morons like you! Now MOVE!
(Frank D. starts running down to Contestants' Row)
Tom Boggs, MOVE YOUR ASS!
TOM B.: I am a personal friend of Bob Barker!
SPLINKNIP: You're lying! Now MOVE!
TOM B.: I'm telling the truth!
(Camera cuts to Bob Barker, surrounded by twelve members of the First Minion
Platoon who are serving as his bodyguards)
BOB: Here's the truth, Boggs... MOVE YOUR ASS!
TOM B.: (obviously startled) Yes, my idol! (Starts running)
SPLINKNIP: Seven of Alphanumerics, MOVE YOUR ASS!
SEVEN: I can't be on this show! AOL will TOS me!
STEVE: Stupidity won't get you banned from MY service! MOVE!
(Seven, clearly frightened, nevertheless walks slowly to his assigned place)
SPLINKNIP: Zach Horan, MOVE YOUR ASS!
ZACH:
S
P
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I'm busy watching Millionaire!
REGIS: (on Zach's portable TV) And here's another Fastest-Finger
Question... When should Zach Horan move his ass? A, Yesterday? B,
Tomorrow? C, Three days from now? D, NOW!!!
ZACH:
S
P
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Okay! (starts running)
SPLINKNIP: You are the first four contestants on WHO WANTS TO BE A
MORONIONAIRE! And here's the star of WHO WANTS TO BE A MORONIONAIRE, David
Zinkin!
(David walks on stage to a standing ovation)
DAVID: Thank you! Thank you so much! (Gestures to audience to sit down,
without success) Please sit down. If you don't we'll never get the game
underway! (Audience sits) Welcome to the long-awaited ninth episode of WHO
WANTS TO BE A MORONIONAIRE. Before we start the proceedings, I'd like to
thank our judge, Tom Sabbatelli, for filling in for me during my trip to
Europe. Wasn't he a great host?
TOM S.: Thank you, David! (Stands up and bows, to audience applause)
DAVID: I'd also like to thank all of our fans, both in the studio and at
home, for your patience and your support during our long legal battle. It's
been some time since our last show, but now we're full of enthusiasm and I
think you'll agree that this will be our best show ever. As always, we'll
start with a Dumbest-Dimwit question. Audience, we need your complete
silence.
(A drum roll is heard)
Place the following hosts of The Price is Right in order of their debut on
the show, from earliest to latest:
A. Bill Cullen (1956)
B. Bob Barker (1972)
C. Tom Kennedy (1985)
D. Doug Davidson (1994)
(One minute passes)
All right, time's up. While I know what the answer to my next question will
be, the rules of the game say that I must ask: Judge, who got the answers
right and in the fastest time?
TOM S.: Big surprise... no one. They all screwed it up.
DAVID: Well, let's see what our contestants actually typed. (Looks at Frank
Dudash's podium) Frank, you typed "A" four times. Why?
FRANK D.: Bill Cullen hosted Blockbusters and I want to know how
Blockbusters got its name!
DAVID: Probably from people smarter than you. (Looks at Tom Boggs's podium)
Tom, you typed "B" -- and you're still typing it. The round is over, which
means you can stop.
TOM B.: No! Bob Barker is God! I love Bob so much and he's a personal
friend of mine!
DAVID: Bob already told us that you showed up at his back door. That makes
you a stalker, not his personal friend.
TOM B.: I don't know where you got that from but it's not true!
BOB: (offstage) I'm not your friend, Boggs! Leave me alone!
TOM B.: I love you, Bob! I want to be with you always! (Jumps out of his
chair and looks around for Bob) Where are you, my idol and master?
BOB: (offstage) Boggs, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I HAVE *YOU*
SPAYED OR NEUTERED!
TOM B.: People like Randy try to drive a wedge between us, but I know
better!
RANDY: Did someone call my name and ask for a wedgie? Coming up! (Runs
toward Boggs)
TOM B.: No, I didn't... (gets wedgied) OW!
FRANK H.: (offstage) OW!
TOM B.: (to Bob) I am yours, master!
RANDY: I'd love to hear you say the same thing to your friends in prison.
But for now we'll just hold you safely offstage! (Carries Tom B. offstage
by his underwear)
TOM B.: (while being carried offstage) NO!!!!!!
FRANK H. (offstage) RIGHT!
DAVID: (Looking at Seven's podium) Seven, you typed "B" four times as well.
What's your excuse?
SEVEN: Bob is the only one who's had Dolphins and Friends on his show!
DAVID: That wasn't the question!
SEVEN: It's mine! When will Dolphins and Friends be on again?
(Mike walks in dragging a huge tank filled with water -- and some marine
friends)
DAVID: I think GWPIMITFUBWF can answer your question. (To Mike) Can't you?
MIKE: Of course!
(Mike punches Seven in the face until big welts form, then throws him in the
tank. Adam Strom, in a shark costume, holds Seven in place while Flipper
swallows Seven alive.)
SEVEN: (gurgle gurgle)
DAVID: Oh my... it appears that Seven has been eaten by a Dolphin assisted
by a Friend. (Adam climbs out of the tank) Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome one of our new interns, Adam Strom! (To Adam) How appropriate that
the Card Shark should assist the dolphin!
ADAM: Thank you! (Shivers) Is it okay if I go dry off?
DAVID: Certainly... you've done enough for today. Thanks, Adam!
(Adam walks offstage, making a squishing sound as he walks)
We'd like to thank our friends at Sea World for helping to make Flipper
available to us. (Looks at Zach's podium) Zach, you typed "Bob House is
the fourth winner on WWTBAM!" Didn't you realize that some of our West
Coast friends might not have seen the show yet?
ZACH:
S
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But I put in spoiler warnings.
DAVID: Even a moron like you should know that spoiler warnings are for
actual SPOILERS! Itšs wrong to put...
ZACH:
S
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This game stinks.
DAVID: You want out? Fine. Trapdoor Guy?
CALEB: My pleasure! (Caleb pushes a button, which opens Zachšs trapdoor and
sends Zach downward)
ZACH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
CALEB (crosses to electric piano, plays and sings):
Bye-bye loathed! Bye-bye stupidness! Hello, intelligence,
I feel like I'm gonna cry-y. Oops, I told a li-ie!
There goes Zach Horan
Right down the chute!
He don't look happy
We sure ainšt blue!
And here's the reason
This came to be:
Zach's posts are full of
("SPOILER!") Idiocy!
Everybody! (Audience sings along:)
Bye-bye loathed! Bye-bye stupidness! Hello, intelligence,
I feel like I'm gonna cry-y. Oops, I told a li-ie!
(Audience applauds wildly)
DAVID: Thank you, Caleb, thank you! That was wonderful! (To Frank D.) Well,
Frank, it looks as though you get to play Dumber Stumpers by default. But
since we still need some more players, Išll need at least two more
participants for a Dumbest-Dimwit question. Splinky, can you give me two
names, please?
SPLINKNIP: Here are two more fucking losers from the land of ATGS morons,
Gant 85 and DKKPlease!
(Gant 85, wearing a "Top Ten Reasons Why Game Show Network Sucks!" T-shirt,
and DKKPlease walk to Contestants' Row)
DAVID: Audience, once again I must ask for your complete silence. (To Gant
85 and DKKPlease) Place the first thirteen elements of the periodic table
in order of increasing atomic weight. (David gets a startled look) What
the HELL--
RANDY: (running toward David's podium, gasping for breath; hands David an
envelope) Sorry... I gave you the Smartest Smart-Ass question for WHO WANTS
TO BE A MINIONAIRE. I think I need some of what the judge has been
drinking.
(Camera cuts to Tom S., offstage: Tom glances at morons in horror, bangs his
head on the table and pours another shot)
DAVID: What the hell ARE you drinking, Tom?
TOM S.: (slurred) Ish a vintage 1998 Chateau de Morehits4U. Gooooooooood
shtuff!
DAVID: (shakes head) I guess some of us are stronger than others. (To
Mike) GWPIMITFUBWF, would you please make sure Tom is okay?
MIKE: I think punching him is overkill, don't you?
DAVID: Just punch whoever gave him that stuff, if you can find the culprit.
(To Gant 85 and DKKPlease) Which of the following is NOT a Game Show
Network executive?
A. Jake Tauber
B. Michael Fleming
C. Big Bird
D. Kristin Peace
GANT 85: (buzzing in) DIE FLEMING AND TAUBER! YOU'LL REGRET IT BITCHES!
DAVID: I'm sorry, both of those answers are incorrect. DKKPlease, would you
like to try?
DKKPLEASE: I want Game Show Network to carry Press Your Luck!
DAVID: They don't have the rights, as you certainly know by now.
DKKPLEASE: I live in Miami and WPXM dumps Hollywood Showdown in favor of
News with Tom Brokaw!
DAVID: DKKPlease, stop ranting already!
DKKPLEASE: I also don't get GSN, actually I do but it's on channel 161 and
my converter only goes up to 99!
DAVID: What do you want me to do, wave a magic wand and make it all better?
DKKPLEASE: Hey, that's a great idea! I'll get out MY magic wand and make
all my wishes come true! (pulls pants down)
DAVID: DKKPlease, NO!
FRANK H.: (offstage) NO!
DAVID: That is NOT a magic wand!
RANDY: (offstage) Well, maybe for a really small wish!
DAVID: DKKPlease, PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP!
DKKPLEASE: Sorry! (Pulls pants up) I think Big Bird is the right answer.
DAVID: (goes pale) Oh my God... someone actually got an answer right!
(David looks ready to faint) While I go sit down to recover from the shock,
let's have a message from Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.
(Commercial break)
DAVID: Welcome back. Our two winners so far are DKKPlease and Frank Dudash.
It's time for both to play our next game, and for that we also have a
special guest host. Splink, would you please do the honors?
SPLINKNIP: This is the personalized license plate of an ATGSer. If you have
absolutely no idea that the following plate...
(Video wall shows: [BJBROWN])
says "B.J. Brown," then you're ready to play... DUMBER STUMPERS! And
here's the host of Dumber Stumpers, Doug Morris!
DOUG: Thank you, Splink. Welcome, Frank and DKKPlease. Let's start by
showing you one letter in our Stupor Stumper...
[ I ]
"I" is the first letter of a license plate belonging to me. But before you
can take a guess at the Stupor Stumper, you must win a jump-in question.
So, look at the following two plates and tell me which one -- the left or
the right -- belongs to a convenience store worker.
[ 7 11 ] [ X ]
(Frank D. rings in)
FRANK D.: The middle!
(A buzzer sounds)
DOUG: Incorrect! (To DKKPlease) You have ten seconds to identify it. Go!
DKKPLEASE: (pulling pants down) Well, if you say so...
DOUG: What are you doing now?!
DKKPLEASE: I had to go, and you said I could go!
DOUG: That's NOT what I meant! Pull your pants up!
DKKPLEASE: Sorry! (pulls pants up)
DOUG: Okay, no one gets a shot at the Stupor Stumper for that one. The
answer, by the way, was "Seven-Eleven." Now, look at the following two
plates and tell me which one -- the left or the right -- belongs to a
painter.
[ ART ] [ L ]
(DKKPlease rings in)
DKKPLEASE: The right?
(A buzzer sounds)
DOUG: No! Frank, your guess. Go!
FRANK D.: Uhhh... uhhh.... I dunno. But I think ABC kept all the $20,000
Pyramid tapes. Imagine if I'm right!
DOUG: You're wrong, of course -- on both the Pyramid tapes and the question.
The answer was "Art." Let's try this one... tell me which one -- the left
or the right -- belongs to Frank Hornikel.
[ WOW ] [ 9 ]
FRANK H.: WOW!
DOUG: (to Frank H.) Frank, I know you're a big fan, but please try to
remain quiet during the show. Okay?
FRANK H.: RIGHT!
DOUG: All right. That question has to be thrown out, so let's try another.
Now, players, tell me which one -- the left or the right -- belongs to Mr.
Leno.
[ J ] [ ! ]
(Frank D. rings in)
FRANK D.: The left.
DOUG: Right! Ten seconds... go!
FRANK D.: Jay? (Bell sounds)
DOUG: Finally! Someone got one right. Now, Frank, you get a shot at the
Stupor Stumper. You can't ask for another letter because there isn't one,
so please just tell me what the correct answer is. The clue is "a plate
belonging to me," and you have five seconds.
[ I ]
(Five seconds pass with no answer from Frank D.)
DOUG: We have one more jump-in, so there's just one more chance to get the
Stupor Stumper. Take a look at these last two plates and tell me which one
-- the left or the right -- belongs to a golfer.
[ T ] [ ]
(DKKPlease rings in)
DKKPLEASE: The left?
DOUG: Correct! Ten seconds... go!
DKKPLEASE: T?
DOUG: Again, a correct answer! Here, one more time, is the Stupor Stumper,
and the clue is "a plate belonging to me." You get one more whack at this--
DKKPLEASE: Cool! (Pulls pants down again)
DOUG: Not THAT kind of whack! Wedgie Guy!
(Randy runs over and wedgies DKKPlease) AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! (A bell
sounds)
DOUG: Congratulations! You've won Dumber Stumpers and you get to go on to
the Super Dumb-Off at the end of the show. Frank Dudash, I'm not sorry at
all that you lost and I hope you get some common sense one of these days.
FRANK D.: Okay! (Walks off stage)
DOUG: David, back to you!
DAVID: Thank you, Doug. We'll play our next game after this message from
the telecommunications choice for stalkers everywhere, Van Hoosier Bell!
(Commercial break)
DAVID: Welcome back. In a moment you're going to see a WHO WANTS TO BE A
MORONIONAIRE first -- a former troll turned guest host. Splinknip, please
introduce our next players and this special host.
SPLINKNIP: THIS IS JEOPARDUMB! ("Jeopardy!" music plays) Now entering the
stage are three morons. First, a doofus with multiple moronic personalities
and a fetish for Canadian conspiracies, Scott Theis!
(Scott walks to his podium)
A twit who asks for the logos for every program that ever existed, Joe the
Logoboy!
(Joe tries unsuccessfully to remove the Jeopardumb! logo from the stage,
then walks to his podium)
And Logoboy's idiotic counterpart in the world of opening spiels, Dan
Brooks! And now, here is the host of JEOPARDUMB!, B.J. Brown!
(B.J. walks on stage to widespread applause)
B.J.: Thank you and welcome to Jeopardumb! Let's set the board in motion
for our first game. (Categories and dollar amounts pop into place)
Players, you'll be working with these categories: Morons, Idiots, Dumbbells,
Counting to 10, The Alphabet, and Stalking. We drew numbers backstage and
Scott, you won so you'll make the first selection.
SCOTT: I'll take Canadians for $100.
B.J.: There is no Canadians category.
SCOTT: That proves it! You want the Canadians to win!
B.J.: There aren't any Canadians in this game. Make another choice.
SCOTT: The Alphabet for $100.
B.J.: Of A, B and C, the one that comes first in our alphabet. (Scott rings
in) Scott?
SCOTT: What is Molson?
B.J.: That's not a letter!
SCOTT: It's a Canadian beer and I know you favor Canadians in this game!
B.J.: Incorrect. (Logoboy rings in) Logoboy?
LOGOBOY: I'm just curious, that's all!
B.J.: Curious about what?
LOGOBOY: Does JEOPARDUMB! have a logo?
B.J.: Dan, would you like to try? (No response) The correct answer was
"What is A?" Scott, choose again.
SCOTT: Stalking for $100.
B.J.: This ATGSer called David Zinkin at home and left a stupid message on
his voice mail. (Dan rings in) Dan?
DAN: Does David's voice mail have an opening spiel?
B.J.: No. Anyone else? (Mo answer) The correct response is "Who is Ken
Van Hoosier?" Scott, another choice, please.
SCOTT: This game is rigged! I'm not making another choice!
B.J.: Okay, how about you, Logoboy?
LOGOBOY: Morons for $100.
B.J.: Daytime talk show host who hates guns except when used to protect her
family. (No answer) The correct response is "Who is Rosie O'Donnell?"
Logoboy, another selection, please.
LOGOBOY: Morons for $200.
B.J.: Racist, anti-Semitic sleazeball who claimed on "Larry King Live" that
he was Jewish due to "circumcision of the heart." (No response) The
correct response is "Who is Louis Farrakhan?"
LOGOBOY: Did he ever use the term Logoboy? That's racist too!
B.J.: No, it isn't, Logoboy. Another choice, please.
LOGOBOY: Let HIM pick! He's racist too -- he hates Canadians! (points to
Scott)
B.J.: Scott, you're supposed to choose anyway.
SCOTT: Idiots for $500.
B.J.: That's our Video Daily Dumbbell! (Audience applauds) Since you've
gotten absolutely nothing right and have no money, you can risk up to $500.
SCOTT: I'll go for $500.
B.J.: Take a look at the monitor, please. (Camera cuts to the monitor,
which shows Peter Tomarken)
PETER: Hello, I'm Peter Tomarken. I have a cult of idiots surrounding me
thanks to an extremely stupid game show I hosted. World-class nitwits like
Nathan Hantz, TDeLegge1 and DKKPlease worship me and demand that GSN bring
this show back.
SCOTT: What is Press Your Luck?
B.J.: That's right! (Time's-up signal is heard) Scott, you have $300 and
since you're the only one in the positive column, you get to play Final
Jeopardumb alone!
SCOTT: It's rigged! I know it!
B.J.: Scott, you're the only one playing, so it can't be rigged. Now, the
Final Jeopardumb category is Multiple Personalities. Make your wager and
we'll be back after this message from Einstein/Noah Bagel Corporation.
(Commercial break)
B.J.: We're back and the category is Multiple Personalities. Scott, once we
reveal the answer you'll have thirty seconds to write down your response.
Please be sure to phrase it in the form of a question. The Final
Jeopardumb! answer is...
This notorious nitwit is famous for cheating on netgames by making use of
his multiple personalities including Christian Osbourne, Jamie Jorgenson,
and Spike McLeland.
Good luck!
(Thirty seconds pass)
Time's up. Scott, let's see what you wrote... "Who is Jean Chretien?"
SCOTT: He's the Prime Minister of Canada! The leader of the netgame
cheating conspiracy!
B.J.: I'm sorry, but the correct response was "Who is Scott Theis?" We
would also have accepted "Who is Schizo Feces?" As long as you wagered less
than $300, you'll still go on to the Super Dumb-Off at the end of the show.
How much did you bet? (Screen shows $299) $299. That leaves you with one
dollar -- pitiful, but enough to qualify for the Super Dumb-Off. Thanks for
playing, Scott!
SCOTT: Will somebody please fuck me? Anybody? I don't care if you're a boy
or a girl--just let me stick my diminutive ding-dong up your butt.
FRANK H.: NO!
B.J.: Keep your fantasies to yourself, Scott. All yours, David!
DAVID: Thank you, B.J. (To audience) You can find more of JEOPARDUMB! at
this address:
http://www.geocities.com/BBrown9326/jdumb/index.html
Now let's have a message from Jolt, the high-caffeine cola now available
intravenously!
(Commercial break)
SPLINKNIP: (picture of Tom Hornikel is displayed on screen) This is Tom
Hornikel from 'Net Bullseye. (show picture of Jay Lewis) This is Jay Lewis
from 'Net Price is Right. They and others will be describing various words
for our contestants on... CHUMPHEAD'S PLAY! And here's the star of
Chumphead's Play, David Zinkin!
(David walks out on stage to thunderous applause)
DAVID: Thank you, and welcome to the next game on tonight's WHO WANTS TO BE
A MORONIONAIRE. On Chumphead's Play, our contestants will be asked to come
up with words based on their definitions. The definitions will be given by
various members of Randy's Minions. Right now, though, let's meet our
contestants. A longtime ATGS'er who either can't or won't understand the
difference between fact and speculation, TServ...@veriomail.com -- aka
Jeffrey Gray. And an alleged game show insider who always claims to be
right but rarely is -- and who isn't even sufficiently confident of his
claims to give his real name -- MrGameShw. (Audience boos)
MRGAMESHW: Nothing I've ever said is wrong!
DAVID: How about claiming that the new Family Feud announcer would be
"someone who's never done a game show before" when it turned out to be
Burton Richardson?
MRGAMESHW: The amount of inaccurate information here is astounding!
DAVID: Especially because most of it comes from you. But enough of this --
let's get to the game. This is Tom Hornikel, a husband, father, car dealer
and anagram master. He's going to define a word for us -- a word that we're
going to show the home audience now.
("RED" displays on screen)
Keep in mind that Tom may actually use the word, so you'll want to listen
closely.
TOM H.: I'm talking about the word "red." Red, like a red fire engine.
Red, like a Communist. Red, like an apple. The color red.
DAVID: TServo2049, what word was Tom describing?
TSERVO2049: Three? (A buzzer sounds)
DAVID: Wrong. MrGameShw, can you guess what word Tom was describing?
MRGAMESHW: Blue. (A buzzer sounds)
DAVID: Wrong.
MRGAMESHW: Nothing I've EVER said is wrong! I told you!
DAVID: That's wrong too. Let's try another word, which will be explained to
us by Jay Lewis, host of the 'Net Price is Right. Here's the word for the
folks at home:
("ONE" displays on screen)
JAY: It's the number one. You know, the number between zero and two. Or
two minus one. It's one! (Holds up his index finger) Just like this --
one!
DAVID: MrGameShw, what's the word we're looking for?
MRGAMESHW: Finger? (A buzzer sounds)
DAVID: I'm sorry, that's incorrect --
MRGAMESHW: That can't be! I'm ALWAYS right!
DAVID: No you aren't. TServo2049, would you like to take a guess?
TSERVO2049: I don't need to guess. I *know* that the entire Los Angeles run
of the $10,000 Pyramid still exists. I can prove it -- GSN just showed one
episode!
DAVID: That isn't proof!
TSERVO2049: Yes it is! Just like NBC destroyed Las Vegas Gambit in 1978!
DAVID: That would be a pretty neat trick, since the shows didn't air until
1980.
TSERVO2049: I know I have no proof. But it's true, so get off my back,
David Zinkin!
DAVID: You're the one who qualified for the show -- no one forced you.
Let's try one more word, which will be described by Chick-Fil-A devotee and
Florida resident Jamie DeVriend.
("A" shows on screen)
JAMIE: It's the first letter of the alphabet. It's also used to describe
one, or a single item. It's the letter "A," for God's sake!
DAVID: TServo2049, what word are we looking for? (TServo2049 is picking his
nose and ignoring David) TServo2049? TSERVO2049!!!!
TSERVO2049: Uhhhhhh....
DAVID: Judge, can we accept that?
TOM S.: What the hell? Let's just get it over with. Give it to him!
DAVID: TServo2049, congratulations! You win!
MRGAMESHW: No, I won! I'm ALWAYS right!
DAVID: You're NOT always right!
MRGAMESHW: Yes, I am! Even the judge knows I'm right -- that's why he's
drinking the stuff I gave him!
MIKE: Thanks for telling us! (Runs over and punches MrGameShw in the face
until big welts form)
MRGAMESHW: Dammit, that hurts!
FRANK H.: OW!
DAVID: For once MrGameShw actually *is*...
FRANK H.: RIGHT!
DAVID: Thank you, Frank. (To audience) Folks, we need one more contestant
for today's Super Dumb-Off, and to help us find the fourth contender we're
going to play yet another new game -- The Phone Home Game! (Audience reacts
with thunderous applause) First, let's introduce our in-studio contestant.
He's a netgame thief and constant liar. Please welcome KPathfinder!
KPATHFINDER: THERE WAS A PHONE HOME GAME WITH JOHN DAVIDSON!!!!!! I
REMEMBER SEEING IT!!!!!!
DAVID: (ignoring KPathfinder) And on the phone with us is the most famous
liar, thief and stalker in the history of alt.tv.game-shows. It's Ken Van
Hoosier! (Picks up phone) Hello, Ken?
KEN: (voice in phone) Hello, it's Spankky!
DAVID: No kidding. Ken...
KEN: I got a new game called the Phone Home Game!
DAVID: Still the thief, huh, Ken?
KPATHFINDER: I'm doing Net Match Game 2000!
KEN: Go for it! I'm doing Net Match Game 2000 too!
KPATHFINDER: Hey, that's MY idea! I stole it from Randy Amasia and Doug
Morris so it's MY idea!
KEN: It's mine! I created it!
KPATHFINDER: It's mine! I created it!
KEN: Quit stealing from me!
KPATHFINDER: Quit stealing from me!
KEN: Now!
KPATHFINDER: Now!
KEN: Ha-ha! I won't say anything!
KPATHFINDER: Ha-ha! I won't say anything!
(Suddenly, Ken and KPathfinder are silent. After a minute or so, David
breaks the silence.)
DAVID: Isn't someone going to try to win?
KPATHFINDER: Wait, I'll try this-- (trips over his own feet and accidentally
drops the phone)
KEN: Wait, I'll try this-- (thinking that the crashing sound was KPathfinder
hitting himself in the head with the phone, Ken does likewise and knocks
himself unconscious)
DAVID: Ken, are you still there? (No answer) KPathfinder, you win by
default! (To audience) We'll be back with the Super Dumb-Off after this
message from Trojan Condoms, the prophylactics of choice for keeping more
morons from being conceived!
(Commercial break)
DAVID: It's time for the Super Dumb-Off and with me are today's winners:
DKKPlease, Scott Theis, TServo2049, and KPathfinder. They're going to play
a game called "Dope-on-a-Rope." Please note that we've attached all four of
our finalists to the Wedginator Quadra 5000, which can handle four wedgies
at one time. Each contestant has his underwear attached to the machine with
a rope that's wound around one of the Wedginator's gears. The game is
simple: every time someone lies, exhibits signs of "Press Your Luck" worship
or just says something that's generally stupid, our WGIT, Ben Schumin, will
advance the gears by one unit. We'll keep playing until all but one
contestant reaches the ceiling; the one who hasn't will be the winner.
DKKPLEASE: I love Press Your Luck and want to know why GSN isn't airing it!
SCOTT: 'Net Price is Right is RIGGED!
TSERVO2049: All of the Goodson-Todman shows survive! I can PROVE it!
KPATHFINDER: THERE WAS A PRESS YOUR LUCK WITH JOHN DAVIDSON!!!!!! I
REMEMBER SEEING IT!
(The cycle continues until our four players are suspended 50 feet in the air
by their underwear)
DAVID: Ben, how much farther can we go?
BEN: Only one more space for each. Any more than that and they'll be pulled
through the mechanism and fall straight to the floor.
DAVID: (to contestants) We're getting close to a win now! Isn't that
great?
DKKPLEASE, SCOTT, TSERVO2049 and KPATHFINDER: Duuuhhhhhhh......
(Ben is forced to advance all of the mechanisms at once -- two spaces each
because of the length of the "Duuuhhhhhhh." Suddenly, all four players are
pulled through the small space separating the gears from the rest of the
equipment. The four players fall to the floor and are unconscious.)
DAVID: That means tonight's winners are our interns, Adam Strom and Ben
Schumin! Congratulations, guys!
(Adam walks out to shake David's hand; Ben does likewise)
For WHO WANTS TO BE A MORONIONAIRE, this is David Zinkin reminding you to
help control the idiot population and have your moron spayed or neutered.
Good night, everyone!
(music plays)
SPLINKNIP: WHO WANTS TO BE A MORONIONAIRE is a production of Zinkin
Enterprises in conjunction with the Dogbert Static Network. This is
Splinknip speaking.
(c) Copyright 2000 David Zinkin. All rights reversed (making them wrongs).
Parts inspired by Mike Klauss and Randy Amasia. Based on true stories
(because there's no way we could make this shit up). Special thanks to Tom
Sabbatelli, Bob Barker, Steve Case, Caleb Craig Nelson, Tom Hornikel, Frank
Hornikel, Jay Lewis, Jamie DeVriend, Flipper, Chuck Donegan, Peter Tomarken,
and Regis Philbin.
John Sergent
--
"Just because the cat has kittens in the oven doesn't make them biscuits"