SNL reruns this week (Oct 11-17)

[Frank Serpas III]

Below, find this week's schedule of reruns of Saturday Night Live,
along with episode summaries taken from the SNL Episode Guide, which
is available at SATURDAY NET (http://www.io.com/~serpas/snl.html).

To subscribe or unsubscribe, visit:

http://mailman.io.com/mailman/listinfo/snlreruns/

~~~

The NBC episode for this Saturday night (11-Oct-03) is new:

03b Justin Timberlake

In some markets, it will be followed by a "classic" episode:

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93g Nicole Kidman / Stone Temple Pilots
...............................................................................

cold: Wayne's World- Wayne & Garth give their thoughts on some 1993 movies
mono: host engages in Risky Business to make up for Tom Cruise not being there
show: The Denise Show- her best friend (host) is interested in Brian
misc Wednesday (Christina Ricci) & Pugsley (Jimmy Workman) Addams & SNL Band
skit: hyperactive Phillip (MIM) talks with another kid (host) at the jungle gym
misc going to commercial, Junior Brown [real] plays guit-steel
song: musical guest performs "Creep"
news: Ike Turner (TIM) continues his love-hate relationship with KEN
news: Bruce Springsteen (ADS) sings about how much he loves to eat turkey
show Sprockets- (CHF), (host), shemale Susan play Das Ist Jeopardy
skit at a bar, a married woman (MEH) thinks all the guys are hitting on her
comm Ross Perot (DAC) claims that (TIM) is the first NAFTA unemployment victim
skit (host), (PHH), (JUS), (MIM) take turns arguing in the kitchen
song: musical guest performs "Naked Sunday"
COMM Crystal Gravy {rerun}

~~~

The following 60-minute versions of SNL episodes will air on
Comedy Central (CC) & E! Entertainment Television (E!); all times EDT...

Sa 11-Oct-03
1:00pm CC 95b CHC / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories
2:00pm CC 97p Julianne Moore / Backstreet Boys
3:00pm CC 93r Emilio Estevez / Pearl Jam
4:00pm CC 96c Bill Pullman / New Edition
5:00pm CC 00o Julia Stiles / Aerosmith
10:00pm E! 02k Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

Su 12-Oct-03
[none]

Mo 13-Oct-03
1:00pm CC 94n George Clooney / The Cranberries
2:00pm CC 92b Tim Robbins / Sinead O'Connor
5:00pm CC 97q Steve Buscemi / Third Eye Blind

Tu 14-Oct-03
1:00pm CC 96o Sting / Veruca Salt
2:00pm CC 98b Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow
5:00pm CC 00k Jennifer Lopez
1:00am E! 02n Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

We 15-Oct-03
1:00pm CC 96e CSR / The Wallflowers
2:00pm CC 95b CHC / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories
4:00pm E! 01i Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
5:00pm CC 98g Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys

Th 16-Oct-03
1:00pm CC 91n Roseanne & Tom Arnold / Red Hot Chili Peppers
2:00pm CC 96a Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
4:00pm E! 02k Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks
5:00pm CC 00m Katie Holmes / Dave Matthews Band
1:00am E! 02r Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent & G-Unit

Fr 17-Oct-03
1:00pm CC 93a Charles Barkley / Nirvana
2:00pm CC 96s John Goodman / Jewel
5:00pm CC 99t Jackie Chan / Kid Rock
3:00am CC 98l Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

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91n Roseanne & Tom Arnold / Red Hot Chili Peppers
...............................................................................

cold: from the New Hampshire primary, Bush (DAC) learned that "You're pissed!"
mono: hosts find that they have no secrets about themselves left to expose
skit: Dick Clark's receptionist keeps Roseanne & Jesus (PHH) waiting
show: Coffee Talk- Linda & friend Liz (Madonna) praise Barbra Streisand [real]
skit: Tall Tales of the Recession- the story of the Fast-Firing CEO (Tom)
song musical guest performs "Stone Cold Bush"
news Grumpy Old Man has no use for Winter Olympics innovations
skit Pam, Di, Meg welcome new Delta Delta Delta sorority sister (Roseanne)
skit: A Star Is Born- Roseanne's career crashes after Tom rides her coattails
show Daily Affirmation- Stuart dislikes sister's (Roseanne) abusive ex (Tom)
song musical guest performs "Under The Bridge"
MISC Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey- on the most dangerous animal in the world

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92b Tim Robbins / Sinead O'Connor
...............................................................................

cold: Ross Perot (DAC) rejects "quitter" label & lays out his plans for the USA
mono: LOM dreams that host rants against General Electric & gets SNL cancelled
comm Caracci's Pizza guarantees that any unsanitary pie is half-price
MISC Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey- on a movie about a brain-damaged scientist
skit: Founding Fathers- media probes time-warped historical figures' scandals
show: Cooking With Dennis Miller (DAC)- guest DAS helps prepare a dish
COMM: That's Not Yogurt- (KEN) wants to know what's in the food substitute
show: Sunday Morning Videos- (ROS) & preacher (host) on what makes "great sex"
song: musical guest performs "Success Has Made A Failure Of Our Home"
news: Hollywood Minute- DAS offers to-the-point career advice to stars
skit Bob Roberts & young conservatives sing songs & burn books in a campfire
show: Larry King (KEN) Live- show atmosphere puts Brian Wilson (host) on edge
show Tori (MEH)- Spelling previews new 90210 season & trashes Shannen Doherty
song: musical guest performs "War"
misc musical guest tears up a picture of Pope John Paul II
skit world's nicest pimp Sweet Jimmy (host) genuinely cares about his whores
show Daily Affirmation- Stuart explains what he & Clinton have in common
misc: at closing, host wishes Susan Sarandon [real] a Happy Birthday

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93a Charles Barkley / Nirvana
...............................................................................

cold: Clinton (PHH) tells what the health care plan will & won't cover
MONO: host goes one-on-one with Godzilla stand-in Barney
COMM: NCI Long Distance Company will do whatever you want to get your business
show Larry King (KEN) Live- divorcee Burt Reynolds (PHH) takes truth serum
show: Daily Affirmation- Muggsy Bogues [real] lends support to host
song: musical guest performs "Heart-Shaped Box"
news: Hollywood Minute- DAS gives his thoughts on summer showbiz happenings
skit: Gap girls Kristy & Lucy recall unpleasant experience with Skid Row [real]
show: Coffee Talk- Linda takes some calls on Yom Kippur
MISC: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey- on who would be better off dead
comm host's store offers clothes for big tall black males; Muggsy Bogues cameo
skit tribal art dealer (ROS) touts the weed-holding abilities of artifacts
show What's That?- contestants guess the sex of crossdressed men; RuPaul cameo
song: musical guest performs "Rape Me"
skit host stresses importance of human-ass cooperation in donkey basketball
TOON "Office Space, part 1" by Mike Judge- disgruntled worker Milton stews

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93r Emilio Estevez / Pearl Jam
...............................................................................

cold: Michael Fay (host) gets his punishment from a friendly caner (KEN)
show: Geek, Dweeb, or Spazz- cool kids identify types of high school outcasts
comm The Whitewater Folder- host in latest movie based on a John Grisham book
song: musical guest performs "Not For You"
news: KEN gives a subliminal editorial about flogging in Singapore
news: Operaman sings a medley about Whitewater, Singapore, Eddie Vedder
show: How Much Ya Bench?- supposedly steroid-free weightlifters take some calls
song musical guest performs "Rearviewmirror"
comm The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service- he wants to bathe, marry her
skit stupid Poker Billy (host) doesn't know how to play the card game
MISC Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey- on the earliest fly swatters
song: musical guest performs "Daughter"

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94n George Clooney / The Cranberries
...............................................................................

cold: it's Black History Month, but ELC & TIM can't find contemporary heroes
mono: host performs liver transplant operation on audience member (TOD)
COMM Lexon Paradox {rerun}
skit: (host) experiences good luck while (CHF) gets splashed by jumping whale
show: Taxicab Confessions- passengers don't mind telling their secrets on HBO
song: musical guest performs "Zombie"
news: inattentive O.J. juror (ELC) doesn't seem to realize what her duties are
news: host gives his opinion on Chicago Hope's use of leeches in an episode
news: KEN addresses Medicare comments to people with no attention span
show WR- Dr. Ross (host) & Dr. Greene (CSE) keep patients in the waiting room
skit: railroad engineer applicant (MAM) is willing to do whatever (host) wants
show The Mack Reardon (host) Story- the career of a tough-luck country singer
song musical guest performs "Ode To My Family"
show: Zagat's- Hank Gelfand (ADS) gripes as wife Beverly (CHF) reads about eats
comm mayor of Emory, Illinois (MMK) wants abortion protesters to come to town
FILM "Snowbird" by Bruce McCulloch- karaoke conflict devastates lip-sync life

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95b CHC / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories
...............................................................................

cold: NFL on NBC- sideline reporter O.J. Simpson (TIM) hints that he's guilty
mono CHC recalls SNL's first episode & sings "When You Wish Upon A Star"
COMM: (NAW) dumbs down prolific co-worker (CHO) with a dose of Lobotol
skit: boisterous girl Althea (CHO) visits with pilot (CHC) in the cockpit
show: The Blame Game- black (TIM) & white (CHC) contestants fan racial tensions
MISC: Jack Handey's Fuzzy Memories- of an encounter with an escaped convict
misc: CHC advises JMB not to rely on physical comedy; Mariel Hemingway cameo
song: musical guest performs "Do You Sleep?"
news: from Central Park, Father Guido Sarducci reports on Pope's lost wallet
news: Father Guido Sarducci tells the papal wallet finder that he'll get a mass
skit at their prom, 70's teens (WIF) & (CHO) freak out with little provocation
COMM Gangsta Bitch Barbie & Tupac Ken are dolls appropriate to the urban scene
show: The Mark Fuhrman (CHC) Show- the cop says he likes (TIM)'s anti-white rap
show O.J. Today- anchor Bill McDonald (WIF) & legal analysts do the final show
misc: Spade in America- DAS gives examples of how rock & roll is out of control
song: musical guest performs "Stay"
skit Lampreys- a boy (CHO) doesn't want to part with his sucking creatures

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96a Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
...............................................................................

cold with no votes cast, ABC News declares Clinton's (DAH) re-election
mono: host reads the Oscar acceptance speech he didn't get to use
COMM: Big Brawn Feminine Napkins get their super-absorbency from wood pulp
skit: the antics of (host) & fellow Roxbury Guys land them in the slammer
show: Hey, Remember The 80's- Goat Boy's brays punctuate his nostalgia show
skit: Craig & Arianna are cheered by a visit from the Spartan Spirit (host)
TOON: "It Takes Two To Tango" by RBS- Ace & Gary are The Ambiguously Gay Duo
news MTV personality Kincaid's (ANG) commentary comprises retro TV references
news: Kerri Strug [real] & brother Kippy (CHK) remember the Atlanta Olympics
song: musical guest performs "Walls"
show: The Tonight Show- missing link Mr. Peepers (CHK) wreaks havoc on panel
skit creativity test giver (TIM) tries to pull an original idea out of (host)
song: musical guest performs "Angel Dream"
comm: Classic Sing-along with the Drunken Asses- album has tunes for happy hour
MISC Brief Histories- cannibalism wasn't the only Donner Party hardship

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96c Bill Pullman / New Edition
...............................................................................

cold: Bob Dole (NOM) dreams of debating Independence Day president (host)
COMM: make criminals think you're already a victim with Home Security Decoys
skit: AT&T operators Janice (WIF) & Kelly (CHK) chat & grouse between calls
show Tic Tac Toe- obvious strategy & cumbersome game board make for dull show
show: The Rules Show- (ANG) & (MOS) lay down guidelines for want-to-be brides
TOON: "Fun With Real Audio" by RBS- liabilities of Clinton & Bob Dole show
news: Harry Caray's (WIF) World Series thoughts have little to do with baseball
song: musical guest sings "Hit Me Off"
show Hollywood Party- host meets gossipy sots Beatrice (MOS) & Sebastian (CHK)
skit soul deejay Chris Garnett (TIM) remains mellow on-air despite calamities
song musical guest sings "I'm Still In Love With You"
comm: rich (host)'s literal "camel through needle's eye" reading spurs research
FILM: "Hidden Camera"- pranks of FRW & Adam McKay [real] involve hitting people
comm: women's kick boxing is an opportunity to see females hit each other hard

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96e CSR / The Wallflowers
...............................................................................

cold: Bush (DAC) prepares Bob Dole (NOM) for his upcoming loss to Clinton (DAH)
mono: CSR does stand-up about Clinton & sexual harassment
COMM: to some, lack of medical evidence that Excedril relieves pain is a plus
show I'm Chillin'- Onski plugs I Ain't Tryin' To Hear That home pregnancy test
comm in Dole ad, woman (MOS), black guy (TIM), gay man (MAM) say "don't vote"
show: The Dark Side- Jesse Jackson (DAH), Tori Spelling (CHO), Mike Tyson (TRM)
COMM: Mark Russell's (MAM) Election Year Comedy Special features impish lyrics
show: Charles Grodin (DAC)- Abe Vigoda [real] & other celebrity guests opine
song: musical guest performs "One Headlight"
TOON: "Queen of Terror" by RBS- The Ambiguously Gay Duo thwarts Serena's scheme
skit Bob Dole (NOM) rehearses his mean-spirited victory & concession speeches
misc LOM tells NOM it's time to retire the Bob Dole impression
skit to his dad (CSR), college-educated (TIM)'s simple acts are affronts
skit music teacher couple Marty (WIF) & Bobbi (ANG) sing a pseudo-soul medley
COMM: Russell Simmons' Def Emergency Room Jam features foul-mouthed physicians
show Perspectives- Lionel Osbourne talks with Million Man Marcher (CSR)

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96o Sting / Veruca Salt
...............................................................................

cold: injured Clinton (DAH) points out the undesirable order of succession
mono: host helps save rain forests for the sake of animals like Mr. Peepers
skit: Juan Peron (NOM) can't fathom why Evita (ANG) breaks into song
skit: Middle Agers (WIF), (ANG), (CHK) try to sell Pope (MAM) on a nude Crusade
comm: The Laid Back Neutral MC's (TRM) & (TIM) fear gangsta rap violence
show Don West (WIF) & Eddy Lewis (CHK) put Mark Hamill [real] up for sale
skit: (JMB) dislikes white power gossip of fellow Klan members Rolf & (host)
news: during his St. Patrick's Day message, drunk COQ gets defensive & bugs NOM
news (ANG)'s assumption of Annie role drives Joanna Pacitti (CHO) batty
song: musical guest performs "Shutterbug"
show The Brendan Boyle (COQ) Show- leprechaun (host) rebukes limerick critics
skit: Mrs. Attebury's daughter's (MOS) 37 year-old boyfriend (host) gets fresh
skit: host's wife Trudie Styler [real] digs song interpreter Kyle DeMarco (CHK)
show: Race & Racism- (TIM) asks apartheid dismantler (host) about Ghostbusters
song: host performs "My One & Only Love"

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96s John Goodman / Jewel
...............................................................................

cold: Oprah (TIM)- Anne Heche (CHK) loves attention, not Ellen DeGeneres (MAM)
mono: rapid weight loss program has SNL veteran host confused about show format
COMM: Caribbean Essence Bath Oil {rerun}
show: Jeopardy!- Marlon Brando (host), Phil Donahue (DAH), Burt Reynolds (NOM)
show Talkin' with Suel- Ron Wood (MIM) & Bjork (MOS) babble about drugs, maybe
COMM Good Samaritan Eddie Murphy (TIM) selflessly helps the transgendered
skit: Margaret Jo & Terry discuss summer cookouts with chili expert (host)
news: Dominican Lou hopes to enlist Deep Blue against his dominoes rival Felix
news: learning that Ellen DeGeneres is actually gay causes WIF to vomit
song: musical guest performs "Who Will Save Your Soul"
skit last-minute replacements Marty & Bobbi do a medley at a high school prom
skit: druggist (host) fills overmedicated Colette Reardon's (CHO) prescription
song musical guest performs "You Were Meant For Me"
skit: at a little league game, the drunk businessmen honor Bill Brasky

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97p Julianne Moore / Backstreet Boys
...............................................................................

cold: prosecutor Kenneth Starr (WIF) interrupts Clinton skit to subpoena DAH
mono: Gloria Stuart (CHO) performs Titanic scene to upstage Oscar rival host
skit: cultist (host) invites Margaret Jo & Terry to join sorghum farm compound
show: The Ladies' Man- (host) helps Leon show how to handle relationship stages
misc Kenneth Starr (WIF) interrupts SNL Band to haul off Lenny Pickett [real]
show: Barbara Walters (CHO) Oscar Special- Matt Damon (JMB) & Ben Affleck (CHK)
MISC: Kenneth Starr (WIF) interrupts The Lost Deep Thoughts of Jack Handey
song: musical guest performs "As Long As You Love Me"
show Pretty Living- joyologist Helen espouses her philosophy
MISC Kenneth Starr (WIF) interrupts a Heineken commercial to serve a subpoena
skit: nude model Terence Maddox (WIF) grosses out those trying to sketch him
TOON "Conspiracy Theory Rock!" by RBS- the news Media-Opoly is exposed
show Good Morning With Liza!- Gillian Anderson (host) & Joel Grey (CHK)
FILM Golords foil Canadian plot to make Alan Greenspan raise interest rates
skit shirtless Bible salesmen (WIF) & (TIM) lob non sequiturs at (host)

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97q Steve Buscemi / Third Eye Blind
...............................................................................

cold viewers choose between Lewis Lapham [real] & farcical Clinton (DAH) skit
mono: TIM, ANG, WIF unsuccessfully try to help host return to his improv roots
COMM: Xerox Assjet 790 {rerun}
skit: truly mad Hatter (host) ruins tea party of Alice (MOS) & Hare (John Hurt)
show: Morning Latte- to (host)'s dismay, Didi Conn's [real] Grease role snubbed
show: Goth Talk- the Prom of Doom is held in the high school boiler room
TOON: "Titey" by RBS- Disney's cheerful spin on Titanic uses celebrity voices
show Stuff We Made- (JMB) & (host) show their crappy & creepy constructions
news Reggie White (TRM) extends his offensive remarks to cover more groups
song: musical guest performs "How's It Going To Be"
show: Judge Judy (CHO)- (ANG) & hip-hop dance instructor (host) litigate
skit: volatile (host) interviews jobseekers (CHK) & (Natasha Henstridge)
COMM: I Took A Gay Guy To Prom- (ANG), (CHO), (MOS) remember their queer beaus
show Jim Halsey's (WIF) Truck Drivin' Museum- the Kenworth RX-40TD is profiled
MISC The Lost Deep Thoughts of Jack Handey- on crucifying via windmill

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98b Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow
...............................................................................

cold: in bed, Clinton (DAH) gets an icy reception from bitter Hillary (ANG)
mono host sings rejected alternative Frasier theme songs
COMM KCF Shredders- (JIF) pitches bagged lettuce & mayonnaise to Generation X
skit: Margaret Jo & Terry talk wilderness food with naturalist-cannibal (host)
COMM: avoid sex scandals by electing eunuch Terry Ferguson (WIF) to the Senate
skit: (TRM) treats grown-up son (Shaquille O'Neal) as if he were still little
COMM: Terry Ferguson has neither Washington-insider status nor genitals
skit: a dame (MOS) turns film noir private eye's (host) thoughts to burritos
skit: (host) wets Baywatch, Hal Linden, Christine Baranksi, Patti LuPone [real]
COMM: volume 1 of The Best of Horatio Sanz doesn't quite fill the videotape
news: COQ likens the problem of debtor nations to that of tapped-out friends
news: French playboy Tropical Storm Georges (host) luxuriates in his power
song: musical guest performs "My Favorite Mistake"
skit: (host)'s socialization try proves Mr. Peepers is animal, not human being
TOON: "Maakies" by Tony Millionaire- chopped-in-half rat becomes a mermaid
show Morning Latte- Tom & Cass bug new producer (CHK); Shaquille O'Neal cameo
show Hello Dolly- personal problems pervade saccharine pitch of (host) & (ANG)
show lumberjacks blame timbersports champion (WIF) for hogging Jesus' backing

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98g Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys
...............................................................................

cold: Monica Lewinsky (MOS) & Linda Tripp (John Goodman) gab on phone & pig out
mono: host & Ben Willis (Muse Watson) sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart"
show: The Ladies' Man- Leon gives inappropriate advice & plugs Skanksgiving Day
comm Celine Dion's (ANG) duets album proves she's the best singer in the world
show The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show- Antonio Banderas (CHK) paws coed (host)
skit: candy stripers Craig & Arianna stumble upon pregnant classmate (host)
TOON by RBS- The Ambiguously Gay Duo misses the subtext of fans' letters
news: COQ relates credentials of those involved in Clinton impeachment hearings
song: musical guest performs "Three MC's & One DJ"
show Clean Teen Deodorant Spokesperson Search finds Mary Katherine Gallagher
show: Let's Make This Happen!- Hollywood players (WIF) & (host) pitch to LOM
song musical guest performs "Sabotage"
skit: Saddam Hussein's (WIF) private bunker is marked by adolescent trappings

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98l Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies
...............................................................................

cold: supposed good sport Clinton (DAH) gloats about beating his impeachers
mono: Ben Affleck [real] asks host to stop pretending she's English
show: E! offers awards show-style coverage of the Clinton impeachment trial
COMM Behind The Music- Joan Jett (host) recalls "I Love Rock n' Roll"
skit: Mary Katherine Gallagher proves tougher than her all-girl gang initiators
COMM Behind The Music- John Oates (CHK) came up with "Private Eyes" claps
skit: dumb girlfriend (host) ruins musician's (JIF) act but is too sexy to drop
TOON "X-Presidents" by RBS- impeachment spurs a rampage by the Constitution
comm: Staten Island Nurses- (host) & (CHO) socialize amidst medical drama
COMM Trent Lott (DAH) says "You're Watching E!"
news: multitalented beltway insider Vernon Jordan (TIM) sings about himself
song: musical guest performs "It's All Been Done"
skit: (WIF)'s fiancee Margaret Healey (MOS) & her family love the jokey accents
COMM Behind The Music- Colin Hay (JIF) gets lost in "Who Can It Be Now"
show Biography- bitter over being ousted, Jack Perkins (DAH) tars Harry Smith
skit William Rehnquist (WIF) tires of partisan voting during impeachment trial
comm Hardcore Rock- host endorses album of porn movie soundtrack music

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99t Jackie Chan / Kid Rock
...............................................................................

cold: skanks (Sarah Michelle Gellar), (Gina Gershon), Florence Henderson [real]
mono: host bests Steven Seagal (WIF) & other martial arts also-rans
skit: Nick Burns & fellow nerd (host) belittle office workers' tech problems
misc going to commercial, G.E. Smith [real] plays guitar
skit: Marty & Bobbi do a medieval-themed medley at the school Renaissance Fair
TOON: "Fun With Some Real Audio" by RBS- Madonna indulges fans' intimate wishes
skit (MOS) & (host) get embroiled in Zimmermans' erotic miniature golf game
skit Asian Elvis impersonator (host) wins over a skeptical Las Vegas crowd
news Bobby Knight (DAH) relates lessons learned from an anger management class
song: musical guest performs "American Bad Ass"
show: Pretty Living- joyologist Helen's new boyfriend (host) teaches GymNasty
COMM: Calgon- (host) beats (CHP) to prevent exposure of ancient Chinese secret
skit: at the Earth's center, expert hole diggers form international brotherhood
song musical guest performs "Only God Knows Why"
misc at closing, Cheryl Hardwick [real] blows a kiss to mark her final SNL

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00k Jennifer Lopez
...............................................................................

cold: while TRM fills in as George W. Bush, WIF can't get over host's bootie
mono: puzzled by diva reputation, host reveals Versace dress worn at Grammys
COMM Cracklin' Oat Flakes {rerun}
skit: Mango & host develop a rivalry after he becomes a recording star
show: Cribs- Gemini's Twin & new member (host) present their low-rent apartment
TOON: "Ray Of Light" by RBS- Ray Lewis witnesses famous Disney cartoon murders
song: musical guest performs "Play"
news: TIF gabs with Cast Away star Wilson The Volleyball (WIF); Tom Hanks cameo
news: nervous 4th grader Rasheed Jenkins (JEM) gives Black History Month speech
skit: Fly Girls (JEM), (TRM), (RAD) want to work with host again
COMM the Valentine soundtrack contains many songs by bands with oddball names
song musical guest performs "Love Don't Cost A Thing"
show: Good Morning Bronx- borough residents broadcast the local news
FILM "The Baby & The German Intellectual (WIF)" by Adam McKay- innocence vexes
skit oblivious Jeannie Darcy does inappropriate material at a nursing home gig
COMM Wade Blasingame {rerun}
skit at a WWII USO show, (host) damages morale by singing pro-German songs

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00m Katie Holmes / Dave Matthews Band
...............................................................................

cold: Clinton (DAH) & his relatives are a giddy & unrepentant gang of outlaws
mono: WIF tries to match host's tap-dancing with a series of goofy steps
show: Dawson's (JIF) Creek- Joey (host) & exchange student Mr. Peepers have sex
misc going to commercial, Junior Brown [real] plays guit-steel
show (MAR) reports as house of Drew Barrymore (host) & Tom Green (JIF) burns
TOON "Backstreet Boys" by RBS- sucking is salient feature of boy band
skit: professor Roger (WIF) & his lover Virginia (RAD) creep out (JIF) & (host)
song: musical guest performs "I Did It"
news: despite reservations, TIF is sticking with her shady male gynecologist
news: Elton John (HOS) & Eminem (CHP) make out after Grammys "Stan" performance
show: Jarret's Room- Billy Joel lyrics help Daniel (CHP) woo coed (host)
skit: (CHP) directs actress (host) to grab actor's (WIF) crotch vigorously
song musical guest performs "The Space Between"
skit Passive-Aggressive Pam's (ANG) backhanded compliments sting co-workers
skit at end of singles' cruise, (CHP) & (MAR) struggle for a reason to hook up

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00o Julia Stiles / Aerosmith
...............................................................................

cold: Martha Stewart (ANG) Living- homey tips class up St. Patrick's Day
mono: TRM hopes he & host can reprise interracial kiss from Save The Last Dance
COMM: Homocil {rerun}
show: Wake Up Wakefield!- Megan (MAR) & Sheldon (RAD) emcee middle school show
skit: (host) gives attitudinal postal worker Jackie a taste of her own medicine
song: musical guest performs "Jaded"
news: Arnold Schwarzenegger (DAH) tells why he should be California's governor
news: David Copperfield [real] magically makes words appear on cue cards
skit: in the 1920's, movie director Suel Forrester bewilders his cast & crew
skit: immigrant janitor Beppi (RAD) trumps woes of office workers (ANG) & (MAR)
FILM "The Doberman!" by Adam McKay- (WIF) receives house call from vicious dog
skit whitebread (host) plies cheerleader moves at Apollo Theater amateur night
comm Willy Sluggs (JEM) pushes magic tricks in lame self-produced infomercial
song musical guest performs "Big Ten Inch Record"
show Der Lacheln Beherrscht- German "smile masters" populate scary kids show
misc for St. Patrick's Day, Van Morrison (JIF) sings & overimbibes Guinness

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01i Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
...............................................................................

cold: Osama bin Laden (WIF) tape reveals that terrorists were reluctant martyrs
mono: host admits that her declaration of homosexuality was a publicity stunt
skit: Marty & Bobbi perform a medley at a shopping mall Nativity scene
skit federal agent Kitty Singleton (host) is terrible at hand-to-hand combat
TOON "The Narrator That Ruined Christmas" by RBS- snowman visits Ground Zero
song: musical guest performs "Hey Baby"
news TRM suggests creative romantic holiday gifts for your spouse
news: JIF, TIF, Rudolph Giuliani [real] sing "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?"
skit: host's Mango obsession creates backlash among lesbian media heavyweights
skit: panic over forgotten household chores causes family to cut its trip short
MISC My Big Thick Novel by Jack Handey- "sighing" on Mars in chapter 917
skit (WIF)'s kids (SEM) & (AMP) don't meet his new girlfriend (host) halfway
misc: Dick Cheney (DAH) imagines happy Christmas ditty by HOS, CHK, TRM, JIF
song musical guest performs "Hella Good"
misc: Rudolph Giuliani [real] wishes peace from Rockefeller Center skating rink

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02k Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks
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cold: United Nations delegates ignore Colin Powell (DAH) & plan to abuse power
mono: host finds an excuse to return to his marijuana-hazed dressing room
skit: on a blind date, (host) errs by wildly misguessing (RAD)'s age & weight
COMM Nutri-Quick Meal On-The-Go {rerun}
show: Jarret's Room- 33 year-old sophomore David Wooderson (host) likes college
skit: at an anti-war rally, speaker (host) can't keep the crowd on-message
song: musical guest performs "Travelin' Soldier"
news: photos show the past, present, future of Michael Jackson's face
news Joseph Jackson (TRM) criticizes his son Michael's parenting skills
news: Patrick (WLF) & Gunther (FRA) Kelly explain tax code changes with a song
show Club Traxx- Euroteens love America's music but hate its foreign policy
skit (CHK) pays the price whenever co-worker (host) uses him to tell a story
show Second Time Around- Glenda Goodwin welcomes pyramid power advocate (host)
song musical guest performs "Sin Wagon"
comm: McConaughey's Red Hot Texas Chili- host's product is first in farts

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02n Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite
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cold: 60 Minutes- Clinton (DAH) & Bob Dole (DAA) do Point-Counterpoint on Iraq
mono: Sir Mix-A-Lot (TRM) defends host's kingdom from other royal rappers
show: 106 & Park- Baby K & his producer (host) perform infantile hip-hop
show: Live With Regis (DAH) & Kelly (AMP)- Frenchie Davis (host) sings
COMM: Who Farted?- FOX reality show traps contestants in room with a gas passer
show Where Are They Now?- 60's girl group sought a follow-up dance craze hit
COMM I'm A Celebrity...Who Farted?!- ABC reality show has famous flatulence
news Khalid Shaikh Mohammed (HOS) is upset by picture taken just after capture
news: fresh from his Grammy gig, Dustin Hoffman (JER) stammers kudos for NYC
news: Trevor The Broadway Guy (CHP) emotes regarding musicians' strike
song: musical guest perfomrs "Dy-na-mi-tee"
skit: (WLF) pleads for peace via song when (host) & (AMP) fight over a ham
TOON "X-Presidents" by RBS- SpongeBob SquarePants rejects cartoon jingoism
show Profiles In Jazz- 20's singer's (host) lyrics didn't hide sexual content
comm too-personal local drugstore is a reason to shop at Walgreens instead
misc HOS sings "You Are Special" to mark the passing of Mister Rogers

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02r Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent & G-Unit
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cold: George W. Bush (CHP) polls returning sailors on future military action
mono: having forgotten to wear his pants, host attracts attention of MAR & CHP
COMM Count Chocula (JIF) Silver- elderly vampire promotes cereal for seniors
show: Jarret's Room- fan from Iceland (host) tries weed from Amsterdam
show: Dateline NBC- Matt Lauer (SEM) looks back on aging Madonna's (AMP) career
skit teacher (CHP) busts students who got their term papers from the Internet
song: musical guest performs "In Da Club"
news: Liza Minnelli (MAR) is excited about David Gest's (CHK) birthday party
news: TRM eats birthday cake meant for Saddam Hussein, states booty preference
news: Patrick & Gunther Kelly promote knowledge of SARS prevention with a song
skit: animal companions of The Falconer & The Muskrateer (host) do battle
misc: host tries to convince TRM, DEE, LOM that they won't be Punk'd
show Politics Today- high school dropouts ignorantly address issues of the day
song musical guest & Nate Dogg [real] perform "21 Questions"
skit death row inmates boo doo-wop group 50's Ent. (JIF), (FRA), (host), (CHK)
COMM Global Century Investments {rerun}

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Frank Serpas III ser...@io.com
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it's SATURDAY NET- http://www.io.com/~serpas/snl.html