Gustavo mutters about... "War of the Dinobots!"

[Gustavo Wombat, of the Seattle Wombats]

"War Of The Dinobots" is the second of Donald F. Glut's glut of Dinobot episodes. I suspect that he really just wanted to write about dinosaurs, and was using his time on the Transformers to do what he wanted. If there weren't toys of Dinobots in the line, he would have found some other way to make use of dinosaurs...

The episode begins with Chip Chase at an observatory looking for dinosaurs in space, but instead he finds a big meteor heading straight for Earth. The lead astropaleontologist is Jeff, and Jeff is unable to get a reading on the meteor. Jeff also appears to be an African-American, which is a little surprising since in 1984 the only other upper-middle-class black professional on TV was Dr. Cliff Huxtable on "The Cosby Show", and that guy turned out to be a rapist. So, it's very progressive and inclusive, and I really hope he doesn't turn to drugs or something by the end of the episode.

Oh, who am I kidding? He's probably an animation error with the animators using Trailbreaker's color scheme on a white guy or something.

I don't know what readings one gets on a meteor, other than the things you get from the telescope.

Jeff's astropaleontological observatory is a weird mix of Cybertronian design (metal walls, big computer banks), a regular observatory (look, a telescope), and an OSHA nightmare (look, a guy in a wheelchair is on a flat surface with no rails!). If Chip were to roll too far in any direction, he would plummet, the wig and glasses would come off, and he would be revealed to be Carly in disguise, desperately pretending to be a man so people would take her scientific contributions seriously. And then the wheelchair would land on her, breaking her back...

Jeff the Astropaleontologist declares that the meteor is a mystery and a menace, so Carly "Chip" Chase says that he will contact the Autobots.

There is no discussion as to whether this meteor comes from the "Meat Planet" depicted in Carl Sagan's "Cosmos". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZP7K9SycELA

Spike is relaxing the Optimus's massive passenger seat, gleefully explaining that meteor or no meteor, he's just glad they aren't worrying about the Decepticons. Spike is wearing a hard hat, so if the meteor does strike the Earth, he will be fine. If the dinosaurs had hard hats, they wouldn't have gone extinct, and we would all be speaking Dinosaur today!

Optimus confides that he always worries about the Decepticons, and then he pulls up next to Jeff's All-Night Astropaleontological Observatory. Carly "Chip" Chase rolls out in front of them, and thanks them for coming out so fast, as according to his calculations the meteor will hit sometime that night. Carly doesn't do exact math, just "eh, sometime over the next 8 hours or so".

Optimus does not ask about the potential destruction of all life on Earth, he simply squeezes his fist until energy comes out, and says "that meteor could be a power source of incalculable strength." Perhaps he is thinking about creating a machine to convert the sound waves of humanity's desperate cries of anguish into pure, clean Energon.

Any concern about a massive meteor slamming into the planet are ignored by the rest of the Autobots too. Ironhide wants to get that energy before the Decepticons do, and Optimus wants heavy backup -- THE DINOBOTS. This entire episode will be "Dinosaurs vs. Meteor 2: The Revenge".

Meanwhile, the Decepticons are watching videos of Dinobots, because DINOSAURS ARE AWESOME! Megatron stomps off angrily, saying that he has seen enough, which still acknowledging the awesomeness of dinosaurs -- "My finest warriors defeated by those piteous pea-brains, it's revolting!" Starscream attempts to defend the Decepticons, but Megatron is hearing none of it. Dinosaurs and Dinobots are just that cool.

Megatron announces a plan to find some kind of weakness in the Dinobots and maybe see if that can be used against them. It's less of a plan, and more of a plan to have a plan. And then he orders Soundwave to find their weaknesses. So, it's more of a plan to have Soundwave have a plan.

So Soundwave flies off to the deserted alley where Optimus is meeting up with the Dinobots, crawls along the side of the wall, and then transforms to tape deck mode, and then snakes out some microphone thing. I can only assume that Soundwave knew exactly where to go because Optimus often meets with the Dinobots in a deserted alley in the middle of the night.

"Chip" thanks Optimus for letting him tag along, to which Optimus says "It's only fair, after all, you did discover the meteorite, and your entire species might be destroyed by it." Ok, he left that part out. Spike suggests that they name the meteor after Chip -- something Chiperoni, mocking Chip's Italian heritage.

The joke will be on Spike later, when he discovers that Chip and Carly are the same person (I've always wondered if it was Carly dressing as Chip with the wheelchair to throw people off (don't stare at the guy in the wheelchair! he can't help that he has such feminine features!) or whether Chip was always pretending to be confined to a wheelchair for other reasons (to stare at people's butts?), and then began dressing like a woman to seduce Spike)

The meteor then enters the Earth's atmosphere, and the Autobots run after it. It lands about a block away from Optimus's usual hangout spot with the Dinobots. The meteor is glowing, and about the size of Optimus -- after having gone through the atmosphere and burnt off most of its mass. It is glowing from the heat? The city with the desolate street corner that Optimus and the Dinobots hang out at should have been vaporized.

But, luckily, it's not that kind of meteor or something.

(Jeff the Astropaleontologist probably went home to spend a few hours with his loved ones before a large meteor hits the planet somewhere within easy driving distance of his home.)

Optimus shoos everyone away, claiming that the meteorite may contain energies unknown even to Autobots science, and then he shoots the meteorite. Really. This is a thing that happened on the show. For all his flowery words about "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings", and "The Dinobots must be locked away in a cave", when push comes to shove, Optimus solves all problems with a gun.

Wheeljack gets a sample of the meteorite, which is oddly round. Is there something about this meteorite's material that causes it to always form a sphere? Also, it's still glowing, and Wheeljack is handling it without his hands melting, so it's a cold meteor that just entered the earth's atmosphere, and is radioactive.

Optimus leaves the Dinobots to guard the meteor, and the rest of the Autobots transform and roll out.

"No matter how many times I see it," Carly "Chip" Chase says of the transformation, "it's still outrageous." Meteors hitting the Earth with a soft thud mean nothing to the man/woman.

"I'm pleased with the Dinobots, Spike," Optimus says, "I think I'll have Wheeljack build two more!" (shouldn't Grimlock have some say in whether he wants to expand his family?). Spike wants to know if he and Chip can help out. Spike looks over at "Chip" and his cheeks that could never grow a beard, and those soft lips, and then buries those feelings deep down inside.

There is than some very confused checking out of Dinosaurs on Teletraan I, with Spike picking out models for the next Dinobots. Sparkplug is confused by big words like "Stegosaurus" because he has somehow never learned the slightest thing about dinosaurs. I think he was home schooled, or sent to a Young-Earth-Creationist religious school. It's either that, or he is having a stroke. He has lost the ability to button his shirt, so stroke is actually a possibility.

Sparkplug then proceeds to embarrass his son by praising "Chip" for having at least a second grade education that includes the seldom mentioned mysterious thunder lizards called dinosaurs. I think Sparkplus is Donald Glut's idea of what anyone other than him sounds like when the subject of dinosaurs comes up.

If Sparkplug was homeschooled, and has so little knowledge of dinosaurs, and Spike's mother (Judy?) has been out of the picture for so long that her absence is never mentioned, then what are the odds that Spike received a comprehensive sex ed class while hanging out with his father on offshore oil platforms and ruby mines? I just want to leave this thought out there... SPIKE MIGHT NOT EVEN NOTICE IF CARLY IS REALLY A MAN! I mean, I never knew a three foot long prehensile penis was a weird thing until I was 15...

Meanwhile, back in the deserted alley, Soundwave transforms and initiates a brain scan on the Dinobots. "Me Slag, want to fight enemies" Slag says. "Optimus strong, but me Grimlock stronger", Grimlock says. "Me Sludge like strong leaders, always obey, always." Soundwave then flies away.

Have we ever seen Soundwave do this before?

Anyway, Megatron is pleased that the Dinobots have weaknesses. Slag is hostile, Grimlock is arrogant and Sludge is stupid. I don't know why he needed someone to read their minds to discover this. But, I don't have an undersea base, so what do I know? One of us is clearly the expert here, and it ain't me.

Megatron plans to use these weaknesses to turn the Dinobots against Optimus Prime, and force them to help him seize the limitless energy of that meteorite. Bwa-ha-ha, etc.

Seekers against Dinobots, very exciting. Megatron stops by to chat, and give a pep talk. Megatron channels his inner Superman and tells the Dinobots that they are stronger than they think they are. It's like this: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/699/260/2a6.jpg

Grimlock decides he must lead, since he is strong. Dinobots discuss it with weird yellow mouths, and decide that Optimus Prime must be destroyed. Meanwhile, the Seekers are taking the meteor away.

At this point I am wondering: Is the meteor affecting the Dinobots, or are they just willing to kill Optimus? Probably both.

And, back at the Autobot ranch, Dinobots are being constructed as sex toys for lonely Autobots. Or warriors. Hard to tell. And the meteor fragment explodes spontaneously, causing Optimus to vow to blow up that meteorite before it can blow itself up. Optimus shouts over his shoulder to finish assembling the new Dinobots, while he runs off to shoot a meteor.

The meteor exploding scene has a bit more to it. Wheeljack asks Optimus to bring Trailbreaker and Chip to his lab, and then when they are there, he calmly explains that the meteor fragment could explode at any second. Trailbreaker has forcefield powers, so it makes sense that Wheeljack would want him, but "Chip" would just be a victim. Trailbreaker does some kind of whirling dervish dance of the seven veils or something to contain the explosion. So weird.

Next, Chip and the Autobots are outside the Ark, about a half mile away, as Wheeljack introduces the new Dinobots on the side of the mountain. A half mile is probably the right distance anytime Wheeljack tests an invention, and we saw how much damage the Dinobots did when they were introduced, so this just seems prudent. It's possible that the Dinobots should have been activated a half-mile from the Ark rather than evacuating everyone else...

Oh, Jesus Fucking Christ. As soon as the new Dinobots introduce themselves, Wheeljack orders Ironhide, Sideswipe, Bluestreak and a few others to attack them. It's no wonder Grimlock wants to kill Optimus Prime...

New Dinobots win.

Optimus drives to the desolate part of the city where he usually meets the Dinobots at night, and discovers that the meteorite and the Dinobots are gone, gone, gone! And then the old Dinobots attack him.

"I do not want to fight you, but you leave me no choice," Optimus says, opening fire after exhausting no other options. Really, this guy's first response is to shoot. After the Dinobots start kicking his tailpipe, he says "Please, this is senseless, we are friends!", but it is clear that had he been winning the battle he would never have said anything like that.

The Dinobots see through this transparent ploy to friendship and shoot Optimus again, knocking him into a hole. They are about to finish him off, but Grimlock stops it, not knowing why. Optimus claims that is is traces of Autobot training remaining in their circuits -- probably some kind of brainwashing failsafe mechanism he had Wheeljack install.

Dinobots fly off to meet Megatron, carrying the defeated Optimus.

And a very nice lizard is sitting in the desert, sunning himself on a rock.

Decepticons have moved the meteor to the desert, and are extracting energon cubes from it while making the noises of old Star Trek doors. They extract energon by shooting the meteor.

We now get to the obligatory Starscream moment.

STARSCREAM: The meteor's energies are increasingly unstable.
MEGATRON: Oh, does that frighten you Starscream?
STARSCREAM: I just think we should be taking some reasonable precautions.
MEGATRON: Well, that does seem reasonable.

Grimlock and the old Dinobots arrive with Optimus Prime, causing Starscream to power up into Thundercracker's colors, just like in TF:Armada, and explain that Grimlock will never kill his former master, as "deep within his circuits this Dinobot still has the sentimental something of an Autobot slave!"

Grimlock shoots Starscream. Optimus explains that the meteorite is unstable and might explode at any moment. Megatron explains that the Decepticons are not as interested in a safe workplace as the Autobots, and that work will go on.

At the Autobot base, Chip and Sparkplug are having a race -- Sparkplug is old and fat and out of shape, and Chip is just gliding along on his wheelchair.

Wheeljack has detected the meteorite with Teletraan-1, and has a visual, suggesting that the Autobots have cameras in every rock just like the Decepticons. The meteorite might explode at any moment, and Wheeljack doesn't think the Autobots will get there in time. So, at Spike's suggestion they send Swoop.

At the lizard canyon, Megatron notices there is something wrong with the energon cubes when the explode. He turns to Starscream, acknowledges his underling's concerns had in fact proven correct, and compliments him on the decision to stand further back. Sucks to be Soundwave and Reflector, who have the cubes explode in their faces.

The new Dinobots have arrived, with Swoop carrying Snarl, so Megatron orders the old Dinobots to attack. Old Dinobots fight new Dinobots, apparently willing to follow anyone's orders.

The whole point of the Dinobot rebellion was the Dinobots wanted to follow the strongest, and Grimlock was the strongest, so having them follow the orders of Megatron seems wrong. Megatron should trick them, not lead them. This is probably the meteorite.

Meanwhile, the meteorite is about to explode. And then it does explode. Optimus gets in the way, and the Dinobots think Optimus is trying to save them. Dinobots attack Decepticons, and that is that.

And then everyone acknowledges that dinosaurs are awesome. Jeff the Astropaleontologist is never seen again.

---

Overall, not a terrible episode. Mostly fun. The Dinobots were apparently not being affected by the weird meteor? They just resent Optimus Prime? I mean, Optimus will lock them in a cave, so that seems fair, but... still.

[Zobovor]

On Monday, April 16, 2018 at 1:12:42 AM UTC-6, Gustavo Wombat, of the Seattle Wombats wrote:

> I suspect that he really just wanted to write about dinosaurs, and was using
> his time on the Transformers to do what he wanted. If there weren't toys of
> Dinobots in the line, he would have found some other way to make use of
> dinosaurs...

You'll never guess what his episodes of G.I. Joe and Challenge of the GoBots were about!

> Jeff also appears to be an African-American, which is a little surprising
> since in 1984 the only other upper-middle-class black professional on TV was
> Dr. Cliff Huxtable on "The Cosby Show"

In some ways I think tokenism in television was slightly ahead of contemporary times. Doc from G.I. Joe was also a prominent and successful professional by 1986, and Winston Zeddemore from The Real Ghostbusters in 1987.

> If Chip were to roll too far in any direction, he would plummet, the wig and
> glasses would come off, and he would be revealed to be Carly in disguise

His/her cover must have been blown at some point after The Transformers: the Movie, because this is when Chip vanishes and Carly takes over.

> Spike is wearing a hard hat, so if the meteor does strike the Earth, he will
> be fine. If the dinosaurs had hard hats, they wouldn't have gone extinct, and
> we would all be speaking Dinosaur today!

I think Spike just wears the hardhat for the same reason Carl Grimes always wore the sheriff's hat. Dad said it would protect him.

> Megatron announces a plan to find some kind of weakness in the Dinobots and
> maybe see if that can be used against them. It's less of a plan, and more of
> a plan to have a plan.

It's pre-planning. Very important when you're in upper management.

> The joke will be on Spike later, when he discovers that Chip and Carly are
> the same person (I've always wondered if it was Carly dressing as Chip with
> the wheelchair to throw people off (don't stare at the guy in the wheelchair!
> he can't help that he has such feminine features!) or whether Chip was always
> pretending to be confined to a wheelchair for other reasons (to stare at
> people's butts?), and then began dressing like a woman to seduce Spike)

Let's not forget that Chip actually stands up in one episode. So, the entire wheelchair is likely a ruse to throw people off the scent. The scent of a woman.

> For all his flowery words about "Freedom is the right of all sentient
> beings", and "The Dinobots must be locked away in a cave", when push comes to
> shove, Optimus solves all problems with a gun.

Well, what did you expect him to do? Have Wheeljack carefully chisel off a piece of the meteor? That might be DANGEROUS!

> Sparkplug is confused by big words like "Stegosaurus" because he has somehow
> never learned the slightest thing about dinosaurs.

Well, Sparkplug is an unskilled laborer. He digs holes in a mountain until ruby crystals pop out, or conversely, he digs holes in the ground until oil spurts out. When he was running an auto repair shop, he probably just hit cars over and over with a hammer until they started running.

> I think Sparkplus is Donald Glut's idea of what anyone other than him sounds
> like when the subject of dinosaurs comes up.

Just about any kids watching this episode could have named at least ten dinosaurs. Kids love dinosaurs. It just makes Sparkplug seem completely out of touch with reality.

> Have we ever seen Soundwave do this before?

Brain scan? I don't think so, no. He uses a brain scan device on Astoria Carlton-Ritz, but she's hooked up to a big machine, and Soundwave is just operating the equipment. His tech specs say something about how he has the power to read minds, but this is about the only time we see him do it.

Unless, that is, he's actually reading the minds of Allegra and Zeebop in "Carnage in C-Minor," and not just translating their songs into speech. That doesn't really explain Blaster, though.

> At this point I am wondering: Is the meteor affecting the Dinobots, or are
> they just willing to kill Optimus? Probably both.

You'd think there would be some exposition about how the meteor affects those around it, if that were the case. I guess it would explain how the Dinobots were so easily influenced. The meteor already has weird, alien properties, so at this point, what's one more?

> As soon as the new Dinobots introduce themselves, Wheeljack orders Ironhide,
> Sideswipe, Bluestreak and a few others to attack them.

WHEELJACK: I proudly introduce my new children! Okay, boys, now try to kill 'em!

> "I do not want to fight you, but you leave me no choice," Optimus says,
> opening fire after exhausting no other options. Really, this guy's first
> response is to shoot. After the Dinobots start kicking his tailpipe, he
> says "Please, this is senseless, we are friends!", but it is clear that had
> he been winning the battle he would never have said anything like that.

I can't disagree with anything you've said here.

> STARSCREAM: The meteor's energies are increasingly unstable.
> MEGATRON: Oh, does that frighten you Starscream?
> STARSCREAM: I just think we should be taking some reasonable precautions.
> MEGATRON: Well, that does seem reasonable.

Ah, the classic dialogue exchange from "This Episode Never Happened" part 1.

Megatron and Starscream's relationship is such that even when Starscream is genuinely concerned about the success of the mission, and offering good advice, Megatron's incapable of accepting it. Admitting Starscream is right would be a sign of weakness. The other problem is that, more often than not, Starscream is questioning everything Megatron says and does, just to get a rise out of him. I imagine it's very difficult for Megatron to distinguish Starscream's scientific prowess and experience from Starscream just deciding to be a douche that day.

> Megatron explains that the Decepticons are not as interested in a safe
> workplace as the Autobots, and that work will go on.

MEGATRON: When I want OSHA's opinion, I'll tell them what to say!

> He turns to Starscream, acknowledges his underling's concerns had in fact
> proven correct, and compliments him on the decision to stand further back.

Heh. It's kind of a vicious cycle, really. Maybe if Megatron had placed a little more faith in the opinions of his subordinates, Starscream would feel more valued and wouldn't be quite so determined to replace Megatron as leader.

> Overall, not a terrible episode. Mostly fun. The Dinobots were apparently not
> being affected by the weird meteor? They just resent Optimus Prime? I mean,
> Optimus will lock them in a cave, so that seems fair, but... still.

Hey, they get to come out and play every once in a while. Usually around the same time that Donald F. Glut has submitted another script.


Zob (seriously, "Dawn World" from Challenge of the GoBots is basically a "Dinobot Island" retread)