Step-sons
anmomof3
marriage and a 1 year old with my current husband. We are also expecting
a new baby. He has 2 sons 6 & 8 from a previous marriage that come to our
home every other weekend.
We all got along just fine, my husband and I have the same rules for all
the children and we try very hard to treat them all the same. The problem
is that his boys are constantly saying that they wish that he would get
back together with their mother. Also, they make up lies about my H and I
and tell their mother we are mean to them because they don't get to eat
what they want or do what they want whenever they feel like it.
To help you see the big picture with this at first my husband was letting
his boys eat junk food all day long. They would also sit on our computer
or expect to be entertained. They would never want to play with their
toys or use their imagination. Little by little my husband changed the
food in our home because he relized they were eating unhealthy and it was
really affecting the 6 year old who has ADHD. We started to introduce a
well balanced diet. There were other changes as well. My husband used to
let the boys crawl in bed with us until I told him that it wasn't right
and I was uncomfortable. The boys didn't like that at all. They want all
his attention all the time.
We've been together for 3 years now and about a year ago the older son
started to make himself sick. He would get up at 2am and gag himself
until he threw up all over the hall way and kitchen. He would then moan
and scream in our doorway expecting his dad to get up. This would happen
every time he was with us. He expected his dad to get up with him in the
middle of the night even if he just had to go to the restroom. Then it
proceded to not eating what was put in front of him. Then after that it
was telling his mother lies about his and how mean we were to them.
Their mother would then call up my husband yelling at him in front of them
and tell him it was all my fault and that those boys should be the most
important thing in his life. He told her that his wife is first then the
kids second.
We sat down the boys and confronted them and they admitted that they did
all of this for attention. They said they will only like me if they get
what they want. We both told them that's too bad I guess they won't like
me because kids are not going to run our home. It still continues with
the attitude, disobedience and fake sickness. Has anyone else dealth with
this? Now whenever we go to the store or on a walk they will try and push
me out of the way and grab my H's hand so that I can't be near him. They
cause fights between my husband and I because he's always making excuses
for them. I'm sorry but I think that kid's their age do know what they are
doing and should have some responsibility for their actions.
_calinda_
I can't even begin to describe how utterly sad I am for those *six* and
*eight* year old kids. Were they around when your husband told his ex
they are second? Do they understand what that means at six and eight
years of age? Do you *really* believe they know what they are doing,
and more importantly why, at this age? And that you expect them to
behave responsibly?
In astonishment.
Cal~
Vicki Robinson
>I'm sorry but I think that kid's their age do know what they are
>doing and should have some responsibility for their actions.
I had to go back and look to make sure that I remembered right.
They're 6 and 8, right? They're *little kids who miss their dad, and
only get to see him 4 days a month*! Geez, have a little compassion!
I feel dreadfully sorry for a child who feels that his dad won't
notice him unless he's sick!
You may think they want too much attention, but they get his attention
4 days out of 30, *and* they have to compete with a jealous stepmother
to get it. I'm not surprised that they want his total attention for
the entire time they're with him.
I understand your annoyance, but you're an adult. Understand what
they're missing. You see him daily. Your daughter sees her father
daily. His other children hardly ever see him. Let them have him!
If you stop inserting yourself and "beating" them over the head with
the fact that you come first, maybe, in a year or two, they'll be able
to let go a little. But from their point of view right now, they have
to work full-time, actually making themselves throw up, to get any
attention at all. Ease off. This isn't a competition. You're his
wife. They're his kids. They deserve concentrated attention during
the little time they are with him.
Vicki
--
Power may be justly compared to a great river; while kept within its
bounds it is both beautiful and useful, but when it overflows its banks,
it is then too impetuous to be stemmed; it bears down all before it,
and brings destruction and desolation wherever it goes." -- Alexander Hamilton.
Melissa
>is that his boys are constantly saying that they wish that he would get
>back together with their mother.
Most divorced kids probably want this in some form. Some are more vocal about
it than others. Some still want even though they love their step parents.
>We've been together for 3 years now and about a year ago the older son
>started to make himself sick. He would get up at 2am and gag himself
>until he threw up all over the hall way and kitchen. He would then moan
>and scream in our doorway expecting his dad to get up. This would happen
>every time he was with us. He expected his dad to get up with him in the
>middle of the night even if he just had to go to the restroom. Then it
>proceded to not eating what was put in front of him. Then after that it
>was telling his mother lies about his and how mean we were to them.
>
Did your husband consult any mental health professionals regarding this
behavior? That's a HUGE cry for help. He was seven right? I find it
unsettling that this is the only way he felt he could get attention from his
father.
>He told her that his wife is first then the
>kids second.
Yeah, see I could never get behind that marriage first then kids from your
previous marriage stuff. Speaking as a Non-Custodial SM here and the reality
is that you aren't always going to come first. Did the boys hear him say this?
How awful for them.
>We sat down the boys and confronted them and they admitted that they did
>all of this for attention.
Well big freaking duh on this one! Kids need attention from their parents.
>They
>cause fights between my husband and I because he's always making excuses
>for them.
No they do not. They are six and eight. They cannot cause you two to fight,
and scapegoating them isn't going to help your situation.
>I'm sorry but I think that kid's their age do know what they are
>doing and should have some responsibility for their actions.
They're kids. They need and want attention from their father, and obviously
don't know any constructive ways to ask for it. It sounds like Dad doesn't
know any constructive ways to deal with the situation either. Family
Counseling might help everyone redirect their energies into a more productive
family life.
Love,
Melissa
"This virtual sand tastes just like real sand."
-Line from one of the cartoons SS watches.
Deborah M Riel
anmomof3 <andrea...@uiuonline.org> wrote:
>We've been together for 3 years now and about a year ago the older son
>started to make himself sick. He would get up at 2am and gag himself
>until he threw up all over the hall way and kitchen. He would then moan
>and scream in our doorway expecting his dad to get up. This would happen
>every time he was with us. He expected his dad to get up with him in the
>middle of the night even if he just had to go to the restroom. Then it
>proceded to not eating what was put in front of him. Then after that it
>was telling his mother lies about his and how mean we were to them.
Y'know, any kid who goes to the lengths this kid is going to to get
some attention from his dad, is telling his dad just how seriously he
*needs* that attention. He better get it now while he's young and not
let it fester and wait until he's a teen with really, really serious
issues and attention getting behavior. A kid who'll make himself
throw up, and not eat, *is* sick--sick with anxiety. This isn't what
most kids do when they want someone to pay attention to them.
Probably to those boys, what they're telling their mother isn't
entirely lies. They probably feel you *are* mean to them.
Maybe the exact details are made up, but the feeling is probably true
to them.
Let them hold his hand. Let them plop onto the bed, even if you don't
like them to actually crawl in. Let them take turns sitting in the
front seat of the car next to their dad, or sit next to him at the
movies. Find some way to surprise them when they come. They don't
sound very happy. Their dad should be making them feel special to
him.
When I first started seeing my SO 7 years ago, my then 10 yr old son
hated him to sit next to me. His 11 yr old twin boys insisted on
taking turns sitting up front in the car (of course partly to get away
from each other, but mostly because they wanted to sit with their
dad). So, I sat in the back most of the time, and my SO would make
sure my son could sit next to me. It didn't kill our relationship.
His kids would also crawl in bed with us occasionally as well. No big
deal. Now the kids are older teens and don't spend much time with us
at all, so give them what they need for attention while you can.
If they don't get it now, later he'll be wondering why they don't want
to see him or why they never return his phone calls.
Deb R.
_calinda_
> In a previous article, "anmomof3" <andrea...@uiuonline.org> said:
>
>> I'm sorry but I think that kid's their age do know what they are
>> doing and should have some responsibility for their actions.
>
> I had to go back and look to make sure that I remembered right.
> They're 6 and 8, right? They're *little kids who miss their dad, and
> only get to see him 4 days a month*! Geez, have a little compassion!
> I feel dreadfully sorry for a child who feels that his dad won't
> notice him unless he's sick!
>
> You may think they want too much attention, but they get his attention
> 4 days out of 30, *and* they have to compete with a jealous stepmother
> to get it. I'm not surprised that they want his total attention for
> the entire time they're with him.
>
> I understand your annoyance, but you're an adult. Understand what
> they're missing. You see him daily. Your daughter sees her father
> daily. His other children hardly ever see him. Let them have him!
> If you stop inserting yourself and "beating" them over the head with
> the fact that you come first, maybe, in a year or two, they'll be able
> to let go a little. But from their point of view right now, they have
> to work full-time, actually making themselves throw up, to get any
> attention at all. Ease off. This isn't a competition. You're his
> wife. They're his kids. They deserve concentrated attention during
> the little time they are with him.
>
> Vicki
*Thank you*. This is exactly what I was feeling and thinking. Exactly.
Cal~
cyren
Okay, I just want to say, for your sake, that I totally understand what
you're going through. My personal opinion (and I know I'll take heat
for this) is that in this case it sounds like there's a lot of extreme
behaviour going on for attention, which has been noted by other people.
Whether that is an acceptable way to get attention or not doesn't
really seem to be addressed here. I don't think it's acceptable at
all.
My feeling is that okay, they're looking for attention and the parents
(all of them) should be able to take a step back and say that's NOT a
cool way to get it, no matter what the reason. And deal with the
reason for wanting the attention separately.
I think it's a mistake to excuse poor behaviour out of feeling sorry
for the kids, that doesn't help them in any way. I agree with you that
kids this age know exactly what they're doing, though they may not
understand all of the reasons why. Regardless, this is a time when
children are learning what results they get from the actions they take.
Three or four more years of getting desired results from the same type
of behaviour will reinforce the value of it so greatly that to break
the pattern will be nearly impossible.
I feel for you and I think I know your pain. Hopefully your husband
does as well. Other folks here have suggested counseling, with an
eating disorder I would feel like that's a must...this particular issue
isn't just this child being "bad", it's life-threatening.
Good luck to you!
Adrienne Winn
> Let them hold his hand. Let them plop onto the bed, even if you don't
> like them to actually crawl in. Let them take turns sitting in the
> front seat of the car next to their dad, or sit next to him at the
> movies. Find some way to surprise them when they come. They don't
> sound very happy. Their dad should be making them feel special to
> him.
Absolutely. Also, let them spend time with him, away from you. You don't
have to do things with all of you together *all* the time.
With my stepson, we try for a balance of "all three of us" time, "Dad &
SS" time, and "Adrienne & SS" time.
If I feel like I haven't been giving them enough time together, I'll
suggest that they go on an outing, or say that *I'm* going on an outing.
This weekend, for instance, I'm going to a Safe Kids thing for my
church on Saturday morning. My husband will take my SS to the comic book
store, and hang out. After lunch, they'll pick me up, and we'll go to
the library all together.
Adrienne
Adrienne Winn
> With my stepson, we try for a balance of "all three of us" time, "Dad &
> SS" time, and "Adrienne & SS" time.
I forgot to add:
We don't have residential custody, so we get plenty of husband and wife
time. That's important too. But probably weekends that you have the
kids aren't the best time to schedule it. ::shrugs::
A
rebecca
"anmomof3" <andrea...@uiuonline.org> wrote in message
news:4f4e02b83e8e5dc7...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
> This is my dilema, I am remarried and have a 3 year old from my previous
> marriage and a 1 year old with my current husband. We are also expecting
> a new baby. He has 2 sons 6 & 8 from a previous marriage that come to our
> home every other weekend.
Oh, my God, 5 children under the age of 8 at the same time, I feel for
you...
>
> The problem
> is that his boys are constantly saying that they wish that he would get
> back together with their mother. Also, they make up lies about my H and I
> and tell their mother we are mean to them because they don't get to eat
> what they want or do what they want whenever they feel like it.
Not at all unusual behavior. My SS latest permutation of this is he wants
me and mom's boyfriend to get together and live in the apartment over the
garage... He's 8. It's no big deal, he knows it isn't going to happen, he
just can't help wishing some times. You've got to understand, these kids
have experienced huge loss, and their lives are way more complicated than
ours. If someone told me I had to pack up all my shit 2 or 3 times a week
and go spend the night somewhere else I'd tell them to go blow. Kids don't
have that option.
My husband used to
> let the boys crawl in bed with us until I told him that it wasn't right
> and I was uncomfortable. The boys didn't like that at all. They want all
> his attention all the time.
Okay, well, I admit, I can't handle this either, my SS doesn't sleep with
us. It feels a little unfair, since my son sometimes does, but it was just
wayyy outside my comfort level. But to a kid, if not handled gently - can
you see how they could feel rejected? Do they sleep with their mom at home?
>
> We've been together for 3 years now and about a year ago the older son
> started to make himself sick. He would get up at 2am and gag himself
> until he threw up all over the hall way and kitchen. He would then moan
> and scream in our doorway expecting his dad to get up. This would happen
> every time he was with us. He expected his dad to get up with him in the
> middle of the night even if he just had to go to the restroom. Then it
> proceded to not eating what was put in front of him. Then after that it
> was telling his mother lies about his and how mean we were to them.
Kids generally do what works. If he's not getting attention in a positive
sense, he'll get it in a negative one. Kids with you 4 days a month? Drop
the food rope, that one will make you insane in under 10 minutes. Is he
eating at home? Especially then drop the food rope. Forget the mom stuff,
let her yell. Or let your husband deal with it, it's a non-issue.
Now, the night stuff. THIS, I have major experience with now. Where does
the kid sleep? Is he scared of the dark? Is he watching scary movies
before bed? Is his bedtime set at the right time? Does he generally get
enough sleep? Is he overstimulated during the day? Is he understimulated
during the day? If he sleeps with a roommate, does the roommate make a lot
of noise at night? If he doesn't sleep with a roommate, would it be
possible to give him one? Does he still have a stuffed animal or blankie?
Give me more details about his sleep habits, I can maybe make some focused
suggestions.
> Their mother would then call up my husband yelling at him in front of them
> and tell him it was all my fault and that those boys should be the most
> important thing in his life. He told her that his wife is first then the
> kids second.
Mom's out of line for arguing in front of the kids. Dad needs to learn a
few phrases - "I'd be happy to discuss this with you later." "I'm not going
to talk about this in front of the children." for starters. Sounds to me
like dad maybe lost his temper and phrased something badly?
> Now whenever we go to the store or on a walk they will try and push
> me out of the way and grab my H's hand so that I can't be near him.
You personally need to do some work on your relationship with these kids.
They find you threatening to their relationship with their father, and you
and your husband can both do a lot to ameliorate this. I suspect a lot of
the bad behavior will resolve itself if you focus on this basic problem.
They
> cause fights between my husband and I because he's always making excuses
> for them. I'm sorry but I think that kid's their age do know what they are
> doing and should have some responsibility for their actions.
>
A 6 year old understands very basic stuff. An 8 year old maybe a little
more, but not a tremendous amount. I go back to your first line, about 5
kids under 8, and I wonder how much stress you are under, and whether that's
affecting your judgement about the older kids some. Sometimes I get
frustrated with my 2 year old - and he is too young to get it, so I push
that frustration up to the 8 yo. Does that make sense? I can't control the
younger one's behavior, I _know_ he's doing age appropriate stuff. But it
stresses me out, and I think sometimes I take it out on my SS.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
rebecca
Melissa
>really seem to be addressed here. I don't think it's acceptable at
>all.
>
Perhaps you should go back and reread the posts.
>I think it's a mistake to excuse poor behaviour out of feeling sorry
>for the kids, that doesn't help them in any way.
Who exactly advocated that course of action? Certainly none of the posters
that I've seen respond.
rebecca
"rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:yMyXc.1466$W_5...@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net...
>
>
>
> > Now whenever we go to the store or on a walk they will try and push
> > me out of the way and grab my H's hand so that I can't be near him.
>
> You personally need to do some work on your relationship with these kids.
> They find you threatening to their relationship with their father, and you
> and your husband can both do a lot to ameliorate this. I suspect a lot of
> the bad behavior will resolve itself if you focus on this basic problem.
>
oh, actually, one question. How are they with the other children?
rebecca
Kerri Clair
>>I think it's a mistake to excuse poor behaviour out of feeling sorry
>>for the kids, that doesn't help them in any way.
>
>Who exactly advocated that course of action? Certainly none of the posters
>that I've seen respond.
Actually most of the thread was about feeling sorry for the kids. The only who
mentioned that so many children under 8 (along with another baby on the way)
might be causing over-stress reactions was Rebecca. Rebecca also suggested
some constructive courses of action. The rest of the thread seemed intent on
"shaming" the SM for admitting to having the reactive feelings at all.
Surprising, since that girl who posted once a while ago about her decision to
give her husband an ultimatum about choosing between her and his
suddenly-unplanned-custodial child was treated much better.
-Kerri
Melissa
Right but feeling sorry for the kids doesn't mean you also don't recognize that
the behavior has to stop.
anmomof3
in the family and how he as a different love for me and all the kids. We
are all important but he cannot side with them over me. They seemed to
understand but you are right perhaps they don't.
Kathy Cole
If they were both a little older, I think you'd have had more agreement
with your perspective. Six in particular is very young, and making
oneself vomit for attention is a huge problem. Definitely counseling is
in order, and going gently with the kids has got to happen. No arguing
where they can hear, and especially nothing demeaning about their other
parent or their role in the family where they can hear.
And yep, if they don't get any time alone with their dad and you guys
only have every-other weekend visitation, that's a big problem. They
clearly need some reassurance from their dad that they're still
important to him.
That's not to say that out of control behavior is in any way acceptable,
because it's not, but I'd be very concerned about their mental health
given what you described.
jane
> > is that his boys are constantly saying that they wish that he would get
> > back together with their mother.
>
> me and mom's boyfriend to get together and live in the apartment over the
> garage... He's 8.
My DH was so touched when Lee said she wanted him and her SM to live
across the street from us. She was about the same age.
jane
>
> rebecca
rebecca
"jane" <jan...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1b740b47.04082...@posting.google.com...
It's funny, people who aren't steps are horrified. I was so flattered,
after I stopped laughing.
rebecca
Buster Van Buren
his ex-wife. Explain that this meeting is to discuss the best needs of the
children. Make sure it is in a "neutral" space (not at either of your
houses). These kids need to get some serious counseling to get over this
trauma. Talk with a school counselor, or look in the yellow pages under
mental health. There are programs that help people deal with these kind of
issues at no charge to you.
It's obvious they (his previous kids) are never going to accept you. As you
said, if this is the case, so be it. But they also have to understand that
if they don't at least show you the kind of respect that they'd give a
complete stranger, they should not be coming to your house for a while.
Perhaps with a little breathing space, they'll realize that their actions
only have negative consequences for them (not for you). Either way, get
them into counseling fast before this gets even more out of hand.
Good Luck.
Buster Van Buren
www.dearbuster.com
bus...@dearbuster.com
"anmomof3" <andrea...@uiuonline.org> wrote in message
news:4f4e02b83e8e5dc7...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
Melissa
>I think it's time for a "Come to Jesus" meeting with you, your husband and
>his ex-wife.
This will probably just add fuel to the fire. If anyone should talk it needs
to be hubby and the ex.
>It's obvious they (his previous kids) are never going to accept yo
No it's not. But the entire famiyl dynamic does need to change.