NHL MOTW: Week of 03/07/2007!
Michael Ventolo
AS WE HEAD DOWN THE HOMESTRETCH, CAN YOU BELIEVE THERE'S ONLY
FIVE MORE REGULAR SEASON EDITIONS OF THE NHL MOTW LEFT? Neither
can we! It's been a great year, and we're looking to keep the
train rolling as we head on home! So, this week, we have plenty
of news, updates, and opinion ready to role, as we move our way
along to announcing our first MARCH WINNER of the prestigious NHL
MOTW AWARD!
We're so chock full of NEW material this week, that VINTAGE NHL
MOTW will not be coming to you this week, instead, we're going
to bring forth YET ANOTHER GREAT FEATURE, this one, we're going
to call...
NHL EMBARASSING HEADLINE OF THE YEAR!
Now, we're not going to claim sole ownership of the discovery
of this one, most of the credit has to go to Ken from the Leafs
group... who found this MYSTIFYING HEADLINE!
Obviously, there was some license taken with this, Spezza wasn't
crushed by a display of groceries or anything like that, but we
have to admit that's one of the funniest, most embarassing headlines
you're likely to EVER see attributed to an NHL player. And then,
there's our suspicions with stories such as these. Hurt his back
getting out of his car? Or....
It's not Ozo getting caught heavily DWI at 11AM in his Nissan
Altima, but it'll do... FOR THIS WEEK!
Let's keep this moving and on to the next segment!
NHL MOTW NEWS UPDATE!
And what an update we have for you this week, as we bring to you,
not one... but TWO updates on NHL MORON OF THE WEEK WINNING
SITUATIONS! We didn't know where to start, so we flipped a coin,
and it landed on...
Ah, Sergei Samsonov is back in the news. As you may remember,
Samsonov won the NHL MOTW for demanding a trade from the Habs, and
then rescinding his demand and making nice, once learning that there
was no market for a player making nearly $4 million... that had
accomplished next to nothing this season. He also really loves the
city of Montreal.
So, one would think the fragile peace between him and the organization
would at least make it until the end of the Habs season, maybe a month
or so from now? Nope, that's not how Sergei rolls. After pledging
his love and respect for the city of Montreal, he once again has
pulled a 180, saying he regrets ever signing with the Canadiens and
wishing to play somewhere else next season. So, the man with no
demand has left Montreal with two choices... trade him for the bag of
pucks he's worth, or buy him out with a nice fat paycheck of 2/3rds
his value up front. Then of course, Samsonov is a free agent and can
go anywhere in the world (since he isn't getting that value in the NHL
and make back the difference plus.) Great business sense, we guess,
why play where you're unhappy, but still a moron as he continues his
manic depressive ways!
NOW, ON TO UPDATE NUMBER TWO!
WITH PRESS CONFERENCE VIDEO... THOSE ARE ALWAYS GREAT!!!!!
The business trials and tribulations of the Pittsburgh Penguins, as
we covered in a historic DECEMBER EDITION of the NHL MOTW, appear to
have come to a close. We added "appears", because obviously, when
you involve arenas and politicans, you never exactly know where the
end game is going to take you.
The final turns were not as interesting as we may have expected back
then, but still, a few things on this story.
Firstly, let's look at Mario Lemieux. Mario Lemieux says this is a
great day for the Penguins, others say it's a great day for the NHL.
Many teams have threatened to move in the past, and honestly, I don't
remember this kind of fanfare. Obviously, it has to be due to the
participants. NHL Legend Mario Lemieux plays a big part. In the
end, he gets to look like Mr. Pittsburgh Penguins, when he was playing
both sides against the middle. He had no problem with the team moving.
And do you remember his willingness, almost beggingness, to sell the
team? Hmmm... team's off the market now, and has been off since he
threatened the move. Mario Lemieux was more than willing to own the
team in Kansas City. So, Pittsburghians, when you line up to kiss his
ring, keep that in mind. This is about money, actually, more about who
can give him the greatest handout, and you won. Yep, you won, and keep
that in mind when you're paying for the building.
Then there's NHL MOTW alumni Gary Bettman, who dares to be there? Who
gets himself into the negotiating process and something gets done?
(Of course, by the point he intervened, it was obvious where this was
going) Who dares show up for the game and the announcement? Pretty sad.
Why? Because he was the man that was trying to send the team to Kansas
City. If he had no qualms about Hamilton, Ontario, you wouldn't be
getting your nice new arena. It'd all be over.
Yes, we know we're bitter about Nashville, but we honestly don't see how
people can't see through this complete and utter bullshit.
ALRIGHT... now on to the present and the NEW!
Not really a news story, no, not really a news story at all, but something
we found interesting.
Things have not been going well for the Edmonton Oilers since the trade
deadline. Understatement of the decade, they haven't even managed to win
a single game. They're fielding an AHL lineup and are out of options.
Ryan Smyth is in Uniondale, a move that literally made grown men in Edmonton
cry... for some reason.
And there's a problem. You see, the Oilers have early re-up dates for
Season Ticket Holders... in MARCH. These moves and the collapse of the team
don't bode well for customer satisfaction. You need an angle to get people
to renew their seats... you're working in marketing. What do you do? WHAT
DO YOU DO?
Hopefully, you wouldn't do this!
http://www.edmontonoilers.com/
Yep, renew today, and take your picture, and MAYBE the Oilers will put it
up on their website. This brilliant plan was announced during a Sportsnet
telecast of a recent Oilers beating. DO YOU HEAR THAT? It's the sound of
cash registers ringing? No, it's the sound of the man that thought of this
smashing his head against one!
NOW ON TO THIS WEEK'S STORIES!
NHL MOTW 03/07/2007 Edition Story Number One:
Rick DiPietro inexplicably destroys himself!
In case you weren't watching the Rangers game last night, where they seemed
to have perverse joy in showing this over and over and over again, or if
you were one of the millions and millions of people that don't like to
watch Isles telecasts, the event in question is contained in this TSN VIDEO!
We've always wondered why goalies do this, and in this case, the stupidity
is WORLD CLASS! It's one thing for the typical overaggressive stiff that
plays net to do this and injure himself, but Rick DiPietro IS the Islanders.
Rick DiPietro IS the man who gets a gargantuan GUARANTEED CONTRACT (of
course,
unless they want to buy him out and not field a team for a season), that he
is actually living up to... and then he does that?
The only thing keeping DP! from being the NHL MOTW this week, is that we
don't know his condition. He could be fine. But if he isn't, he just sunk
the Isles season for no good reason at all! We have a feeling that a NHL
MOTW NEWS UPDATE is in DP's future!
Oh, and Isles fans... Ryan Smyth is a GARBAGEMAN. If you're not going to
use him as such... nice trade!
NHL MOTW 03/07/2007 Edition Story Number Two:
NHLPA GONE WILD!
Contains a rather long-winded Canadian Press story that sums things up
nicely.
Now, we're a little wary of wading into this one with incomplete infomation,
nor a complete understanding of what is actually going on, but we do know
one thing about this situation.
Chris Chelios is a creep that needs to be sent on a boat with all of the
problems of the old NHL... a boat without a rudder. With a big hole in the
hull.
Ever since the PA lost and Ted Saskin (wrongly) pretty much annointed
himself
the head of the PA because he changed course when the lemmingosity of the PA
had gotten to the point of no return, Chelios has been yelling and screaming
about Saskin, to no avail. But, then a story broke that Goodenow and Saskin
were reading E-mails, supposedly secure e-mails, from a system set up during
the lockout in order for the members of the PA to communicate with each
other.
That's sleazy. But, you know what? It's also business, and this practice
is
commonplace. And they were in a life and death situation. Something that
Chelios has seemingly never understood. Afterall, he's well past the age of
hockey retirement, and he's already gotten paid. What did he have to lose
if the league fell apart? Nothing? But what did the average member of the
PA lose? A year's pay, and they could have lost their livelyhood. All for
the battle with the evil Gary Bettman for the likes of Chelios, against the
evil salary cap. Which is so evil that it'll soon exceed almost everyone's
*practical* salary level, before it was instituted, on shady financials!
As one member of the PA said, it seems Chelios is leading the PA. And in
all likelyhood, he's done after this season. And there's no rush to pick
a leader? Who hired the lawyer for the review? Who's pulling the strings?
Yeah, we wonder why there's no rush.
And kiddies, don't forget, after next season... the CBA can be reopened.
The union has already proved they can be lead around like puppets on
strings.
Get ready for the date that may be the beginning of the end for the NHL, the
date that Chris Chelios (or a Chelios approved puppet) becomes the head of
the NHLPA and decides time is right for more labor strife!
DEFINATELY NHL MOTW CALIBUR, BUT NOT THIS WEEK! Now, as you have come to
know and love, it is time to ONCE AGAIN DECLARE THIS WEEK'S NHL MOTW! And
once again, a story has come to the forefront and forced us to cover it.
Honestly, we're sick of having to comment on a violent situation EVERY WEEK.
This is supposed to be a snarky column that makes fun out of minor league
stupidity by major league players and such. But, when things like this
happen, we have to.
Obviously, the story of the week is Chris Simon. It's been touched into the
ground. So, we're going to lay off of Simon, but stay on the story, a story
contained here...
The Simon incident is just one of those situations in which you need to
sit down and shut up, if you are on the offending side, and because of his
complete lack of ability to do this, the NHL MORON OF THE WEEK FOR THE WEEK
OF 03/07/2007 is... ISLANDERS HEAD COACH TED NOLAN!
Ted Nolan doesn't feel it's fair that Chris Simon was suspended for the
playoffs for his stick attack. We sort of understand Nolan's point of view
as an old time hockey guy, that these things always happened before and the
media attention didn't exist. Fine. But he also needs to understand that
what Simon did crosses the line between accident and crime, no matter what
his excuse was, and no matter whether or not Hollweg got up and skated away.
Because if Simon missed a little lower, he wouldn't have gotten up. He
might
never have gotten up and all the fans in attendence would have experienced
the
fun of an on-ice tracheotomy!
And after all of that, Nolan is worried about a fringe player in the
playoffs?
sometimes you just have to learn to take your medicine, but Nolan is another
in the long line of NHL'ers that have big mouths that write checks, that are
sooner or later GOING TO GET CASHED BY THE NHL MORON OF THE WEEK! SEEYA
NEXT
WEEK!
NHL MORON OF THE WEEK ALUMNI:
03/07/07: Ted Nolan, ISLANDERS HC: "Now, who's going to smash players
in the face with sticks during the playoffs for us?!"
02/28/07: NJD MARKETING TEAM: Mickey Mouse? These guys aren't fit
to run a Chuck E. Cheese!
02/21/07: Tom Golisano, BUF OWNER: Try buying your way out of this
one, Tom! Or maybe you could write us a letter!
02/11/07: Ken Klee, COL D: This ticking time bomb went off at an
most inopportune time!
02/04/07: Sergei Samsonov, Mon LW: If he really likes Montreal as
much as he says he does, he should take up Pierre McGuire's challenge!
01/28/07: Pierre McGuire, TSN Analyst: One (little) man. Montreal,
Quebec, Canada: 3,500,000 people. we don't like his chances.
01/21/07: Eddie Olczyk, VERSUS Color: Leading the charge
against Goalie Blindness by Superstars since 1981.
01/14/07: Christoph Schubert, OTT D & Andrew Alberts, BOS D:
Starring in an educational video... "Why the NHL needs to
abolish the Instigator Rule."
12/17/06: Keith Jones, TSN Intermission: With those
bigger nets, he could be an ever more average forward.
(Interactive Fan Vote)
12/10/06: Gary Bettman, NHL Commish: Perhaps they could
re-name the franchise the Kansas City Weasely Bastards.
12/03/06: Mark Bell, SJ LW: "Hmmm, maybe I should have tried
this walking thing *before* I got in the car."
11/26/06: Wayne Gretzky, Hockey Royalty/Pho HC: Hey, at least
this didn't happen in Canada.
11/19/06: Mickey Redmond, Wings Color: Don't do unto me, I'll
do unto you.
11/12/06: Terry Crisp, Preds Color: Lounge act gone horribly awry
11/05/06: Claude Julien, Devils HC: Puts 3 of his worst with
extra attacker, wins anyway
10/29/06: Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark: Devils fan extrodinaire
10/22/06: Todd Fedoruk: Ana (now Phi) goon: He's "bringing the
heavyweight back." To the plastic surgeon.
The Viceroy of Stellar Conversation
>
> It's not Ozo getting caught heavily DWI at 11AM in his Nissan
> Altima, but it'll do... FOR THIS WEEK!
Thank you for the Ozo. I will even provide him a rare defense. If I
were earning NHL money and tooling around in a used Altima, that might
lead me to drink too. Drink early even.
The Viceroy of Stellar Conversation
> FIVE MORE REGULAR SEASON EDITIONS OF THE NHL MOTW LEFT?
Are you saying that the moronic actions of participants in the NHL
abruptly end in the post- and off-season? Sandis and I beg to
differ.
peterpuck16w
Bettman can do a lot of damage in the off season as well.
The Viceroy of Stellar Conversation
Right you are! It seems to me that the editorial staff at MOTW are
shirking their duty.
Michael Ventolo
"The Viceroy of Stellar Conversation" <deepzen...@gmail.com> wrote in
message news:1173965646....@o5g2000hsb.googlegroups.com...
That's why it says "regular season". I don't know what the playoff
format is going to be yet.
peterpuck16w
> "The Viceroy of Stellar Conversation" <deepzenshia...@gmail.com> wrote in
> messagenews:1173965646....@o5g2000hsb.googlegroups.com...
>
> > On Mar 14, 4:32 pm, "Michael Ventolo" <nowh...@oblivion.ca> wrote:
> >> AS WE HEAD DOWN THE HOMESTRETCH, CAN YOU BELIEVE THERE'S ONLY
> >> FIVE MORE REGULAR SEASON EDITIONS OF THE NHL MOTW LEFT?
>
> > Are you saying that the moronic actions of participants in the NHL
> > abruptly end in the post- and off-season? Sandis and I beg to
> > differ.
>
> That's why it says "regular season". I don't know what the playoff
> format is going to be yet.
We misinterpreted. We thought it was ending with the season.
R.J.
My sister had an Altima. Then she saved up all of that money she gets
from child support and bought a Lexus.
I'm also never getting married or having children. But I guess that
has nothing to do with Sandis Ozolinsh. At least he didn't murder one
of his teammates like some players.
Signed,
R.J.