Horsey Capping 101

[your...@gmail.com]

Welcome to the first in my upcoming series of lectures called "Horsey Racing: Into the 20th Century and Beyond!" I mean by this series of lectures to enlighten you about the science of horse racing, based upon a theory I developed called "horseycapping." The essence of horseycapping is: it says in the Holy Bible that God has written the days of ours lives in the Great Book before we were born; therefore the winner of any particular race is preordained by the Almighty. Hallelujah! This is what the great Canadian podiatrist Albert Einstein meant when he said that the universe does not play dice with our soles. It follows therefore that punters who are closest to god pick more winners at higher odds than heathens, who bet on disappointing odds on favorites who pull up going around the first turn. In order therefore to become an expert handicapper one must forget about Beyer Figures, weight, class, breeding, trainer patterns, jockey changes and Lasix and instead focus on being more godly, through charity, good works, piety and self mortification.

For example, when handicapping a full field of 6500 claimers at Tampa Bay over a fast track, some players will look to the horse's pedigree to see whether her (or his) relatives have a tendency to run well on dirt; other investors might surmise that a none winner of one lifetime dropping into the claiming ranks for the first time will benefit from running against a group of less valuable animals. Still others might compare the Beyer figures of the horses and analyze those results relative to the odds board. Unfortunately for those misguided players, they do not understand that this race has already been run and that God knows which horse crossed the finish line first. Therefore it follows inexorably that when faced with a full field of claimers at Tampa running on a fast track the serious handicapper will whip himself (or herself) with a cat of nine tails while fasting and wearing a hair shirt. That is in fact what I did yesterday afternoon. And I was rewarded when God the Almighty revealed to me that Chester B would prevail in the 8th race to the tune of $45.80, which I had 50 times, for a total of $2290, which is a healthy return, even taking into account the mandatory 10 percent tithe.

Thank you for your attention.

(My next lecture, tentatively entitled "Lecture Number Two" will discuss whether the invocation in Deuteronomy 23:1 that "one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the LORD" necessarily disqualifies geldings from contention in turf sprint races.)

[NO ONE]

On Sun, 7 Feb 2016 15:10:13 UTC, your...@gmail.com wrote:

> through charity, good works, piety and self mortification.
>

Would savagely spanking the monkey several times a day be considered
self mortification? Just curious..

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[speculator]

the game is WAGERING, a completely DIFFERENT discipline

[NO ONE]

On Sun, 7 Feb 2016 18:08:33 UTC, speculator <tya...@gmail.com> wrote:

> the game is WAGERING, a completely DIFFERENT discipline

i WAGER that the third monkey in the sequence, CUMS in ahead of me

i WAGER that you got kicked out of the other sartin group also

i WAGER that the winner of the superbowl, will NOT be Denver NOR Carolina,
since YOU
picked BOTH as your top contenders

i WAGER that you DO use patterns, although YOU say there is no such thing
(you just call them by a different name)

NICE GAME

[your...@gmail.com]

On Sunday, February 7, 2016 at 12:51:15 PM UTC-5, NO ONE wrote:

> Would savagely spanking the monkey several times a day be considered
> self mortification? Just curious..

Excellent question. As Tom Ainslie noted in his seminal work "The Compleat Horse Sprayer," Onanism is an offense against the glory of the most Holy God, punishable by death:

"(9) And Onan went in unto his brother's wife and spilled his seed upon the ground, lest children should be born in his brother's name.

(10) And therefore the Lord slew him, because he did a detestable thing."

(Gen. 38: 9-10)

Self pollution is the handiwork of Satan and will no sooner improve your handicapping than will any other heinous act of venereal excitement.

[Ocala Mike]

[NO ONE]

Thanks for clearing that up. I guess then, that it's a good(?) thing my
monkey is all but dead.