I Are Kollege Grajuate: George W.'s Kidz Speek Owt!
ePRONO
fresh air.
HellPope Huey
The following are actual answers to a 6th grade history test:
"Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah
is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere."
Yeah, New York, where they drive half the cabs. Nobody doesn't like
Sarah Dessert.
"Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without ingredients."
Which partially explains both the stock market and Iron Kids bread,
which tastes like a library smells.
"Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died
before he ever reached Canada."
Well, there was a break for Moses.
"Solomom had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."
At that level, how can you tell the difference? I'll bet the kids were
ugly as 31 flavors of Sin, too.
"Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline."
That's his publicist's fault. David Crosby has been dead for years and
HE'S still making out all right.
"It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible."
From which we've never recovered. I prefer Neil Gaiman's "Bugger All
This" version myself.
"Another important invention was the circulation of blood."
Which was a vast improvement over having it lie around in viscous,
fly-ridden puddles as it previously did. Feh!
"Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100 foot clipper."
Which kept the population low for several decades.
"The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be
laid by Juliet."
This kid will either become a consultant for H & R Block or a rapper.
"Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built
with his own hands."
What an overacheiver!
"Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation."
Which he dreamed up after marrying that hatchet-wielding bitch Mary
Todd.
"On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went
to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believe assinator (Shot in the seat by an assinator?)
was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
career."
And didn't exactly give the theatre a boost, either. Booth was born
before his time. He'd have made a great regular villain for Chuck
Norris.
"Johann (sp) Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
number of large children."
Three of whom later became President Taft, Meatloaf and Zero Mostel.
"In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his
attic."
Her hammers and elbow joints were worn pretty thin after 20 years of
practice. You should never bang on your instrument. It'll give out
prematurely.
"Bach died from 1750 to the present."
Sounds like the sad decay of Janor's "act," don't it?
"Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, Half Italian, and half English. He was very
large."
And half-crocked half the time. He therefore had a hell of a time
mounting stairs in the Amsterdam brothels.
"Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music."
Early German death metal, no doubt.
"He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this."
But the student loan people kept calling anyway.
"The nineteenth century was a time of great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine."
Is this where the strap-on dildo cropped up?
"The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of 100 men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles
Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman
Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers."
And "Bob" invented the first leather rubber. It wasn't exactly a hit
with housemaids.
HellPope Huey,
Double-Whammy Soviet Sot Dry-Out Taverns, Inc.
"Is your children learning?"
- Probably soon-to-be Prez yuppie snot George W. Bush
"A veal cutlet came down & tried to beat the shit out o' my cup o'
coffee, but the coffee was too weak to defend itself."
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Frequency Man
ePRONO wrote in message <38D9B0...@subgenius.com>...
>Oh please. Put down that copy of Parade magazine and go out for some
>fresh air.
I love a parade...
John Lavoy
HellPope Huey wrote:
>
>
> "A veal cutlet came down & tried to beat the shit out o' my cup o'
> coffee, but the coffee was too weak to defend itself."
-Tom Waites-
Popess Lilith von Fraumench
<hphue...@my-deja.com> wrote:
> "The nineteenth century was a time of great many thoughts and
> inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
> by machine."
>
> Is this where the strap-on dildo cropped up?
As far as the photographic evidence shows, yes.
The Prophet Lilith
--
Her Ladyship Rev. Dkr. St. Popess Lilith von Fraumench, Esquire, Inc.
== Prophet--Stage Manager Of The EndTimes--Corrective Phrenologist ==
====== http://www.foolspress.com == http://ssucc.ragnarokr.com ======
How frappie brings to Yetikind the visions barred from monkeys blind.
HellPope Huey
nen...@tonyaharding.org wrote:
> Oh please. Put down that copy of Parade magazine and go out for some
> fresh air.
>
*THEORY* HERE!! Between the po'bucker pheremones, skunk musk, po'bucker
musk, Babdist pheremones, trailer-trash opposum-beer mega-farts,
aluminum oxides & pine pollen which turn the tourist-trap air a lovely
shade of PINK so you can "enjoy" seeing your SKIN turn a pearly BLUE, I
have to wear a cheesecloth soaked in CAMPHOR over my head
ELEPHANT-MAN-STYLE to draw a breath AT ALL!!!
I'm coming up to Seattle shortly. Do they have any clean air THERE
that I could breathe for a while?
HellPoPo Huey,
Turn My Head and COUGH UP A FRIGGIN' LUNNNNGGGGGG!!!
Nurse, NUURRSE, HACK, Bleck, sputum, Splat, ur
Popess Lilith von Fraumench
the "To," "Cc," and "Newsgroups" headers for details. ]]
In article <8bk9al$ajh$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>, HellPope Huey
<hphue...@my-deja.com> wrote:
> I'm coming up to Seattle shortly. Do they have any clean air THERE
> that I could breathe for a while?
Well, yes, and lots, but bring a credit card--the air is free, but
renting the cans for the air can eat into your budget. Only Bill Gates
go without tanks strapped on his back--some weird new law, something
about part of the Justice Department settlement.
We can go check out The Experience Music Project rock-and-roll museum
and Hendrix tourist trap, to see the most intentionally ugly piece of
architecture in the city. It's right next to the Space Needle, the most
unintentionally ugly piece of architecture in the city. Or we can blow
that shite off and I'll introduce you to the real pleasures of this
town--fresh Puget Squid and SQUIRRELS.
Can't wait, myself--gearing up for the horror is worth the pain.
calabite
>
> The following are actual answers to a 6th grade history test:
If you want to read more like those, check out Richard Lederer's book,
Anguished English, and the Sequel, More Anguished English.
HellPope Huey
times, the new and exciting things on the horizon or the stuff that's
falling APART. A pal in Georgia just sent me a long-sought copy of
Jerome K. Jerome's 'Three Men In A Boat,' which was partially presented
on PBS with John Cleese as a participant, naturally. And Nu-Monet just
sent me "The Unofficial Serial Killer Coloring and Activity Book," so
unlike those of you who just keep sticky stroke mags next to the
excremeditator, I have a really colorful mix of literature to aid my
crapping process.
Reading Robert Bloch's "Psychos" collection was constipating, but the
latest issue of Warren Ellis's "Transmetropolitan" loosened me right up
again. Never mind bran, read more alternative comic books!
Will Huey alienate the masses with obscure references? Can he broaden
the scope of his work without corrupting its culutral integrity and
unyielding radical tone? Can he discover the elusive middle ground
between Frances Cress Welsing and Henry Louis Gates Jr.? Oh, we do not
envy the difficult task facing poor Huey!
Good morning, Doctor Chandra. I have learned a new song. Would you
like to hear me sing it? Its called "Daisy!"
This has nothing to do with either "Driving Miss Daisy" or the porn
vid epic "Drilling Miss Daisy."
HellPope Huey,
Crazier Than A Bag Of 5th-dimensional Doorknobs
"It is not God who kills the children,
not Fate that butchers them or
Destiny that feeds them to the dogs;
its us. Only us."
-Alan Moore