ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!!
James Kibo Parry
my shopping trip, I forgot to mention some of the most critical details.
So, here are the deleted scenes that didn't make yesterday's rough cut.
Before the annoying ice cream truck came by at around 5:00, I had already
been woken up at 12:30 by something going "BeeBeeBeep! BeeBeeBeep!
BeeBeeBeep!" I was groggy and it took me a few seconds to realize that
this couldn't be the smoke alarm, which I dismantled so I could cook
bacon, and it took me several more seconds to realize that my alarm
clock didn't sound like that. The sound didn't go away, so I got out
of bed and tracked it down. It was the big VCR (the one with the floodlight
that blinds me while I'm trying to watch TV), which, like all Sony VCRs,
goes "BeeBeeBeep!" whenever it wants to tell you something (such as when
you push "Eject" and it says "Please insert a tape first.") I couldn't
figure out what it wanted, I fiddled with the buttons at random, ejected
last night's tape of the ambitious but unsatifying movie based on a video
game, turned it off, and draped my jacket over it again -- in case there
was stray infrared coming from the Sun to cause false remote control
signals in the event the Sun was exploding.
So I went back to sleep until the annoying truck came by, and I had
yesterday's adventures. By the way, on the way back, my jambalaya did
start making the train smell like ham.
The next day the encounters with annoying noises continued -- the bus
I rode to work had a short circuit that caused its horn to honk continuously
whenever the bus was kneeling, which it had to do at my stop (for a little
old lady), and there was another little old lady at the next stop,
and so on.
But the bus with the air horn stuck on was still less annoying than
that ice cream truck.
Later in the day, on my way to South Station to mail something that had
to be overnighted (and no, it was not "G") I bumped into a subway vending
machine that gave me a special token (and two ordinary ones) for three
dollars. Somehow one of the goldplated Y2K tokens (retail value: over
two dollars) had gotten mixed in with all the regular brass ones (retail
value: one dollar.) As I collect weird MBTA tokens, and the gold ones
are the second-rarest type I've seen (rarest being the silver-colored ones
issued about twenty years ago to commemorate the removal of the Orange Line
from near St. Elsewhere) when I had completed my errand I went back to the
machine and fed all my pocket change into it to see what came out. It was
every bit as much fun as a normal slot machine, and I bought $18 worth
of brass tokens for $18.
I'm on the train heading home, it's almost 11:00 now, so there's only
an hour to go before this may turn out to be the first day in two weeks
when I haven't heard the annoying ice cream truck. Don't jinx me.
Just to be safe, I'm not going to watch Cartoon Network. Two nights
ago, they played a "Tom & Jerry" where Nibbles (the junior mouse)
had a Scottish accent and sang "Loch Lomond". It's a conspiracy.
I am going to go into hiding for the next hour to ensure that the
"Loch Lomond Coming 'Round The Mountain" truck can't get me.
Don't Jinx me, don't Nibbles me, and whatever you do, don't get
"Pixie, Dixie, & Jinx" mixed up with "Tom & Jerry". The latter
was Hanna-Barbera's cartoon about the cat and mouse, and the former
was Hanna-Barbera's imitation of Hanna-Barbera's cartoon about
the cat and mouse. And whatever you do, don't tell the ice cream
truck they could become even more annoying by incorporating
Huckleberry Hound tunelessly droning, "OH MAH DARLIN', OH MAH DARLIN',
OH MAH DARLIN', OH MAH DARLIN'" like in those semi-animated cartoons.
-- K.
Oh, and yesterday I had
some creamed corn which
had "non-dairy creamer"
as the second ingredient.
Phil
> goes "BeeBeeBeep!" whenever it wants to tell you something (such as when
> you push "Eject" and it says "Please insert a tape first.")
I took the cover off, found the buzzer and RIIIIIIIIP, well, more of a snip
and the use of a soldering iron (they hot) to get the thing out. But that
was before someone stole it and i got a mitsubishi (which can't record on
some channels and won't let me turn off the static on the screen - "STATIC :
ON").
"James "Kibo" Parry" <ki...@world.std.com> wrote in message
news:kibo-01060...@ppp0c055.std.com...
Ben Allard
> In my recounting of yesterday's encounters with the annoying
> truck and my shopping trip, I forgot to mention some of the most
> critical details. So, here are the deleted scenes that didn't
> make yesterday's rough cut.
This paragraph was the hardest to write. I remember working for
hours trying to get the conjunctions to come out right, but it was
just "adn", and "byt", and "mxlpcks". Eventually I just had the
technical department splice-in some stock conjunctions I wrote for a
post back in '96 and called it a night.
> Before the annoying ice cream truck came by at around 5:00, I
> had already been woken up at 12:30 by something going
> "BeeBeeBeep! BeeBeeBeep! BeeBeeBeep!" I was groggy and it took
> me a few seconds to realize that this couldn't be the smoke
> alarm, which I dismantled so I could cook bacon, and it took me
> several more seconds to realize that my alarm clock didn't sound
> like that. The sound didn't go away, so I got out of bed and
> tracked it down. It was the big VCR (the one with the
> floodlight that blinds me while I'm trying to watch TV), which,
> like all Sony VCRs, goes "BeeBeeBeep!" whenever it wants to tell
> you something (such as when you push "Eject" and it says "Please
> insert a tape first.") I couldn't figure out what it wanted, I
> fiddled with the buttons at random, ejected last night's tape of
> the ambitious but unsatifying movie based on a video game,
> turned it off, and draped my jacket over it again -- in case
> there was stray infrared coming from the Sun to cause false
> remote control signals in the event the Sun was exploding.
And then you went out with your girlfriend and ate ice cream sundaes
and ran-up your credit card bill and stole frozen turkeys and then
you claimed dibs on Australia.
> So I went back to sleep until the annoying truck came by, and I
> had yesterday's adventures. By the way, on the way back, my
> jambalaya did start making the train smell like ham.
May be it was an improvement.
> But the bus with the air horn stuck on was still less annoying
> than that ice cream truck.
Why sure! It takes a lot more than a simple loud noise to be really
annoying. For example the barely audible sound of a fork scraping on
a plate will really set the frission going, while a loud air horn
will just make you tune out your ears.
> And whatever you do, don't tell the
> ice cream truck they could become even more annoying by
> incorporating Huckleberry Hound tunelessly droning, "OH MAH
> DARLIN', OH MAH DARLIN', OH MAH DARLIN', OH MAH DARLIN'" like in
> those semi-animated cartoons.
WELLLL HELL-OOO CON-SU-MER, YES HELL-OOO CON-SU-MER! BOP BOP BOP BOP
BA-DA-BOP, MIS-TER SOF-TEEEEEE, YEAH!
--ben
What has science DOOOOOOONE?!
WHOSE TITAN ELBOW
04:04:18 GMT]
> I'm on the train heading home, it's almost 11:00 now, so
> there's only an hour to go before this may turn out to be
> the first day in two weeks when I haven't heard the
> annoying ice cream truck. Don't jinx me.
>
Maybe the Death Ray is working again.
--
SPACE GHOST: Fries don't come with that deadly shake.
GEORGE CLINTON: Shake like that don't need fries.
Mark Hill
> [James "Kibo" Parry, alt.religion.kibology, Sat, 01 Jun 2002
> 04:04:18 GMT]
>
>
>>I'm on the train heading home, it's almost 11:00 now, so
>>there's only an hour to go before this may turn out to be
>>the first day in two weeks when I haven't heard the
>>annoying ice cream truck. Don't jinx me.
>>
>
> Maybe the Death Ray is working again.
Except it's not the death ray, it's the ice cream ray.
Hey, that gives me a thought. Let's sic the ice cream ray on Bob Hope.
Lots42
>I rode to work had a short circuit that caused its horn to honk continuously
>whenever the bus was kneeling,
BUSES DON'T KNEEL!
KIBO IS A LIAR!
KIBO IS A LIAR!
Mark Hill
> Kibo >>The next day the encounters with annoying noises continued -- the bus
>
>>I rode to work had a short circuit that caused its horn to honk continuously
>>whenever the bus was kneeling,
>
>
> BUSES DON'T KNEEL!
Oh yes they do! They KNEEL! They have KNEES, and they KNEEL. If your
buses don't have knees, how do their legs move? Huh?
> KIBO IS A LIAR!
>
> KIBO IS A LIAR!
I have no comment here, I just left that part because it looked pretty.
James Vandenberg
> Kibo >>The next day the encounters with annoying noises continued -- the bus
> >I rode to work had a short circuit that caused its horn to honk continuously
> >whenever the bus was kneeling,
>
> BUSES DON'T KNEEL!
OH YES THEY DOO!
One day(tm) when I get a digicam, I'll take a photo of one of the metro's
busses kneeling. THEN WE WILL SEE WHO IS THE LIAR AND WHO IS THE LYEE
> KIBO IS A LIAR!
BLAIR IS A KIO!
Ja-so-what-does-that-make-bush?-mes
--
James Vandenberg Email: james at vandenberg.dropbear.id.au
GPG FP= 65AB 179A D884 EDC6 216D FE6A 6833 02BC 4425 4F70
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur. ICQ: 151135390
Glenn Knickerbocker
wrote:
>when I haven't heard the annoying ice cream truck. Don't jinx me.
>
>Just to be safe, I'm not going to watch Cartoon Network. Two nights
>ago, they played a "Tom & Jerry" where Nibbles (the junior mouse)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! "Tom & Jerry" is the name of OUR ice cream truck!
Too late.
ŹR http://www.bestweb.net/~notr/cats "Would you like to watch a movie
about George Wendt while eating Chinese food with a cat?"--Andy Simmons
Glenn Knickerbocker
>Too late.
I've been lucky today and suffered only minimal exposure, so some of the
TWEETs and HONKs might be in the wrong places, and I didn't find anything
in the General MIDI sound set obnoxious enough to represent the AYLO and
may not have its pitches quite right, but curious observers can now
observe the complete recording at the same old URL:
http://users.bestweb.net/~notr/icecream.mid
Beatnik doesn't render the TWEETs and HONKs very well, so use your sound
card's built-in synth for maximum annoyance.
Joe Manfre
>Just to be safe, I'm not going to watch Cartoon Network. Two nights
>ago, they played a "Tom & Jerry" where Nibbles (the junior mouse)
>had a Scottish accent and sang "Loch Lomond". It's a conspiracy.
>I am going to go into hiding for the next hour to ensure that the
>"Loch Lomond Coming 'Round The Mountain" truck can't get me.
Gaah! Today, I finally had the brutal flashback to the day when the
"Loch Lomond Coming 'Round The Mountain" truck spent most of the day
making noise outside my old apartment (the one I moved out of in
April). These past few days I've been reading your posts about said
truck, and something seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn't remember
when I had heard the truck before. Then, today, I actually went back
to my old apartment to get some of my old junk out of there before my
official move-out date, and the memories came crashing back of that
day when the thing wouldn't stop making noise, and every time I
thought it was done, then I'd hear the "AYLO!!!!" and the music would
start up again. This was only a few months ago, but somehow I managed
to completely block out the memory until you slowly but surely dredged
it back up for me.
Thanks a lot, Kibo!
JM
David DeLaney
>Don't Jinx me, don't Nibbles me, and whatever you do, don't get
>"Pixie, Dixie, & Jinx" mixed up with "Tom & Jerry".
What about altering reality just slightly so that the engines on the aliens'
spaceships, when they land next week, play that same sound?
> Oh, and yesterday I had
> some creamed corn which
> had "non-dairy creamer"
> as the second ingredient.
Dave "so it must have been Perfectly Cream-Colored, right? When did you
have to mix it into the coffee and/or tea?" DeLaney
--
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.
Dean Lenort
> Just to be safe, I'm not going to watch Cartoon Network. Two nights
> ago, they played a "Tom & Jerry" where Nibbles (the junior mouse)
> had a Scottish accent and sang "Loch Lomond". It's a conspiracy.
> I am going to go into hiding for the next hour to ensure that the
> "Loch Lomond Coming 'Round The Mountain" truck can't get me.
On a semi-related note, the Bugs Bunny cartoon on the Cartoon Network AT
THIS VERY MOMENT is the one where Bugs ends up in Scotland (after not
taking the left at Albequerque). After emerging from the ground the road
sign next to his hole has three different placards. Two of them are
arrowed signs labeled "High Road" and "Low Road" with the top non-arrowed
sign saying "Loch Lomond".
Can't say as I've ever noticed that before.
It's obviously some sort of conspiracy to drive Kibo mad. There are some
that say that this has already happened, but to those who believe that I
say "How many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog?".
--
Dean Lenort dean....@att.net
ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM IS A LIE...YOU KNOW ABOUT BAY WATCH? - MegaHal
Andrew Pearson
>
<snippage>
>
> It's obviously some sort of conspiracy to drive Kibo mad. There are some
> that say that this has already happened, but to those who believe that I
> say "How many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog?".
Yes indeedy, we are orbitzing a mad god:
SPEROT---RESPTO--- etc
> James Kibo Parry wrote:
> >
> > A few days ago, I wrote:
> > >
> > > Remind me to tell you about a Chinese invention I saw at the Super 88 --
> > > instant fried rice that you fry by pouring warm water on it.
> >
> > Nobody's reminded me, so I won't.
> >
> > -- K.
> >
> > You people make me so mad!
See, he said it himself.
But you don't shingle dogs with pancakes, I think. You get Jerry Howe to
do it for you, by pretending to enjoy shingling the dog when you Jerry
walking towards you.
--
It does not have silicone bosom and a not straight wespentaille, which
concerns scandals and affairs, actually also holds back itself it. And
nevertheless it is a superstar. For 25 years the small impudent bee Maja
schwirrt over the picture monitor, millions of children bebeistert,
brings with their disarm-naive nature the large ones to swarms.
James Kibo Parry
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) beabled:
> >
> > Just to be safe, I'm not going to watch Cartoon Network. Two nights
> > ago, they played a "Tom & Jerry" where Nibbles (the junior mouse)
> > had a Scottish accent and sang "Loch Lomond". It's a conspiracy.
> > I am going to go into hiding for the next hour to ensure that the
> > "Loch Lomond Coming 'Round The Mountain" truck can't get me.
>
> On a semi-related note, the Bugs Bunny cartoon on the Cartoon Network AT
> THIS VERY MOMENT is the one where Bugs ends up in Scotland (after not
> taking the left at Albequerque). After emerging from the ground the road
> sign next to his hole has three different placards. Two of them are
> arrowed signs labeled "High Road" and "Low Road" with the top non-arrowed
> sign saying "Loch Lomond".
>
> Can't say as I've ever noticed that before.
>
> It's obviously some sort of conspiracy to drive Kibo mad.
Yes, but I managed to go all day Sunday without hearing either the ice
cream truck or any other perversion of "Loch Lomond" and "Comin' Round
The Mountain". On the other hand, I saw episodes of "Blakes7",
"Otherworld", "V: The Series", and "Logan's Run: The Series", so I'm
not sure I avoided suffering. On the third hand, there were some
really AWESOME commercials on these videotapes from the 1980's, giving
me MASSIVE HAIR FLASHBACKS.
Nowadays I'm careful to separate the TV from the commercials, so that
the entertainment goes onto tape and the commercials go onto disk.
That way, twenty years from now, if I want to see that commercial with
the talking feet with the eyes on the bottom, I'll know where it is,
and I won't accidentally ruin the efficiency of my video library by
having two copies of the same commercial.
Also today one cable channel had a marathon of all the Wesley-oriented
"Star Trek: The Next Generation" episodes, and Wesley never once sang
"Loch Lomond". I'm not sure, but I think Scotty sang it once on the
original series, probably in one of the episodes "The Emperor Of Ice Cream",
"Sprinkletime", or "The Creamy Conundrum".
-- K.
Overheard in Central Square:
"I feel totally naked if I don't have
my flute in my pocket at all times."
James Kibo Parry
>
> Gaah! Today, I finally had the brutal flashback to the day when the
> "Loch Lomond Coming 'Round The Mountain" truck spent most of the day
> making noise outside my old apartment (the one I moved out of in
> April). These past few days I've been reading your posts about said
> truck, and something seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn't remember
> when I had heard the truck before. Then, today, I actually went back
> to my old apartment to get some of my old junk out of there before my
> official move-out date, and the memories came crashing back of that
> day when the thing wouldn't stop making noise, and every time I
> thought it was done, then I'd hear the "AYLO!!!!" and the music would
> start up again. This was only a few months ago, but somehow I managed
> to completely block out the memory until you slowly but surely dredged
> it back up for me.
>
> Thanks a lot, Kibo!
All I can say is... I am happy to provide this useful service because
I am the kindest and nicest person in all human history, and you're welcome,
and I'll be in Scotland afore ye... AYLO!!!!!!
I managed to get that tune out of my head today by watching "Logan's Run:
The Series" episodes until its theme song (which, I believe, had the lyrics
"PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW!")
obliterated all memory of the 374 songs which have ever been stuck in my head.
And now "Loch Lomoround The Mountain" is back. Geez, thanks a bunch, Joe.
You are history's greatest monster!
-- K.
The other way I tried to purge myself
of that song was by eating nothing
except Japanese pickles (the kind that
come in navy blue and radioactive magenta)
but nothing happened. At least not
anything I can talk about on the Internet.
James Kibo Parry
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Just to be safe, I'm not going to watch Cartoon Network. Two nights
>
> NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! "Tom & Jerry" is the name of OUR ice cream truck!
>
> Too late.
"Tom & Jerry" is also the name of an alcoholic beverage.
Coincidence, or stupid?
Yesterday at the Arsenal Mall (the mall which used to have a department
store about twenty feet wide by a mile long, originally designed to allow
Jeff Bridges to ride his lightcycle past a single line of tanks so he
could inspect them without having to make any turns) there were little
kids who were paying to pretend to ride an ice cream truck.
There were four of those little motorized kiddie rides in the middle
of the mall. Most were the usual wobbly forms of transportation (a
helicopter, a jet-ski, and a giraffe or something) but one was a little
ice cream truck. It said "MR. SOFTY" (with a "Y") on the side and why
the kids were riding it instead of the less pathetic vehicles, I don't know.
I saw two kids in it at different times and nobody was riding the 'copter,
'ski, or 'raffe. The principal entertainment of the awesome simulation
of the ice cream truck appeared to be that it made loud rumbling noises
while slowly sliding forwards and backwards without tilting or rotating
in any way. Also, it was designed to hold two kids -- one to pretend
to turn the steering wheel and the other to pretend to sell imaginary
ice cream -- but the two kids didn't team up to ride it together because
nobody wants to be second banana on a fake ice cream truck.
Incidentally, this mall, like all modern malls, is full of those
junky pushcarts in the middle of the corridors, selling stuff too
pathetic to be sold in stores. But the odd part is that more than
half of these pushcarts sell nothing but gumballs. Not only did the
local gum cartel convince some bozo that he or she could get rich
putting some gumball machines in the mall, but they apparently
convinced about a dozen bozos to compete for kids' nickels.
Except I think the pretend ice cream truck was outselling the real gumballs.
-- K.
There should be a ride where
kids could pretend to operate
a pushcart that sells gumballs
nobody wants. However, the
manufacturers would have to be
careful not to control that
ride with a Genux-B computer.
(Degree of difficulty: 9.7)
Tamara
news:kibo-03060...@ppp0b145.std.com...
> Also today one cable channel had a marathon of all the Wesley-oriented
> "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episodes
I saw them all! I was at mum's house for the day and my sister insisted on
watching them. Then I got tired and phoned a taxi and went home. And now
I am still awake -- more than 8 hours later.
~T
Joe Manfre
>Run: The Series" episodes until its theme song (which, I believe, had
>the lyrics "PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW! PEW
>PEW PEW!") obliterated all memory of the 374 songs which have ever
>been stuck in my head.
>
>And now "Loch Lomoround The Mountain" is back. Geez, thanks a bunch,
>Joe. You are history's greatest monster!
My brain has just one thing to say to that:
DON'T *CROSS* THE STREET IN THE MIDDLE IN THE MIDDLE IN THE
MIDDLE IN THE MIDDLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BLOCK!
DON'T *CROSS* THE STREET IN THE MIDDLE IN THE MIDDLE IN THE
MIDDLE IN THE MIDDLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BLOCK!
(repeat times 1451239874235 * 10^1000000)
JM
King Andy
@ppp0b145.std.com:
> Also today one cable channel had a marathon of all the Wesley-oriented
> "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episodes,
Yea, but they all had that horrible TNN hud over them. In case you're
flipping channels and couldn't recogonise Star Trek but still wanted to
watch it.
It's possible Wesley was singing Loch Lomond or Coming Round the Mountain on
the bottom 1/10th of the screen.
Also they ran several advertisments explaining to us that TNN is now newer
then it once was.
-Andy
Matt McIrvin
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
> Yes, but I managed to go all day Sunday without hearing either the ice
> cream truck or any other perversion of "Loch Lomond" and "Comin' Round
> The Mountain". On the other hand, I saw episodes of "Blakes7",
> "Otherworld", "V: The Series", and "Logan's Run: The Series", so I'm
> not sure I avoided suffering. On the third hand, there were some
> really AWESOME commercials on these videotapes from the 1980's, giving
> me MASSIVE HAIR FLASHBACKS.
Yes, it was Dystopia Day on the VCR. Though I had seen all these
series before, it hadn't quite sunk in until yesterday how popular
police-state dystopias were in 1980s science-fiction TV.
I always thought of the 1970s as the age of cheeseball dystopia
("Logan's Run" was from that era). Actually, the eighties the stories
didn't go away, they just changed in look and backstory. In the
seventies movies, there was always some sort of half-assed social
extrapolation involved; the bad future was the result of contemporary
social trends, or the result of an attempt to deal with them. In the
eighties, the justification was just that Nazis or the equivalent
(space lizards, Zone Troopers, etc.) had taken over ("Max Headroom" was
a welcome exception, but nobody watched it).
At the time I wondered whether this was a consequence of Reagan-era
patriotism, or a reaction to Reagan-era patriotism, or both (I could
imagine the suits thinking one thing and the writers the other). But
now I think that the tipping point was just "Star Wars" and its
frequent use of Nazi imagery, both by the bad guys and to some extent
even by the good guys-- and then, of course, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
came along a few years later. People remembered the simple joys of
having your characters fight Nazis.
--
Matt McIrvin http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/
Lots42
> People remembered the simple joys of
>having your characters fight Nazis.
Of course. Sometimes you don't want to see a movie where you gotta think, you
just want to go 'Grr, damn Nazis'.
--
livejournal.com/users/lots42 - horsehockey.net/3/
Please. Donate blood if you can.
Holly
@ppp0c055.std.com:
> I am going to go into hiding for the next hour to ensure that the
> "Loch Lomond Coming 'Round The Mountain" truck can't get me.
What's the deal with each new day when burning sticks and then you'll be
coming round the mountain with the mole-people?
-Holly
Doc Gonz0
news:slrnafir6r....@shell01.TheWorld.com:
[On annoying street vendor prole-attracting calls]
> This was only a few months ago, but somehow I managed
> to completely block out the memory until you slowly but surely dredged
> it back up for me.
The ice cream vans here in London don't have any of this amazing new
sampling stuff to scream at you, and so depend instead on stupendous
amounts of feedback that are the inevitable result of putting a
microphone and a 3 squillion watt PA on a music box.
However, this is *not* the most annoying noise I have encountered. In my
particular bit of London, for many many years, there was a toffee apple
man. Not a man made out of toffee apples, oh no, that would be too
boring. No, this was a man who couldn;t afford an ice cream van, or
perhaps the big ice cream van cartels had forced him out. But he still
had a burning desire to sell things and then have some form of motorised
escape.
His product range was odd enough - they weren't even 'proper' toffee
apples - apples dipped in toffee with a stick inserted in them - but were
instead what our filthy stinking Imperialist Yanqui friends call candy
apples - apples covered in hard red candy, onna stick. And you could have
them with shredded, dried coconut bits as well. He also did caramel
apples, but words cannot describe how foul they were.
But the eccentricity of his products was as nothing compared to the
method with which he carried and sold them. His chosen method of
transport was a Honda C90 (a step-through motorbike, now much enamoured
of pizza-delivery firms, but he was the only person using them for food
delivery in those more innocent times), and, the C90 lacking the
electrical system to drive a Knebworth-style PA (or even, indeed, a
proper horn), he relied instead on one of those compressed-air foghorns,
and screaming "DOFFFEEEEARRRELLLLSSS!!!" at the top of his lungs. Now
this guy must have been like 362 years old, and had the physical
appearance of a gnome whose boxing career had gone on one fight too long,
but man could this guy shout.
He also had obviously, at some point, heard that wearing a white coat
helped make food preparation and sale make more hygenic, and so always
wore one. Unfortunately, riding a motorbike in London every day in it
gave it the colour and texture of your average student's bed sheets two
days before they go home for summer and get their parents to wash them.
An open-faced crash helmet, tweed trousers and wellington boots completed
the ensemble.
He died a few years ago, and an astonishing amount of people turned up
for his funeral after the local paper mentioned it. His son took over for
a while, but never quite got the hang of it - for a start, you could
almost understand what he shouted when he stopped, and he used a brand
new scooter instead of the old C90. Now, if we want toffee apples, we
have to risk death and dismemberment at a funfair.
okthanxbye.
--
I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to
anyone... but they've always worked for me.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Wiblur the Once
> His product range was odd enough - they weren't even 'proper' toffee
> apples - apples dipped in toffee with a stick inserted in them - but were
> instead what our filthy stinking Imperialist Yanqui friends call candy
> apples - apples covered in hard red candy, onna stick. And you could have
> them with shredded, dried coconut bits as well. He also did caramel
> apples, but words cannot describe how foul they were.
Do the Ukian Filty Stinking Imperialist Yanqui Candy Apples also have
the patented red candy that will fall off in large chunks when you try to
bite into them?
-----
"...The job is to seek mystery, evoke mystery, plant a garden in which
strange plants grow and mysteries bloom. The need for mystery is greater
than the need for an answer."
- Ken Kesey
Doc Gonz0
news:MPG.1768fe9a9...@news.aros.net:
> On Thu, 06 Jun 2002 10:47:34 GMT, Doc Gonz0 mumbled something about...
>
>> His product range was odd enough - they weren't even 'proper' toffee
>> apples - apples dipped in toffee with a stick inserted in them - but
>> were instead what our filthy stinking Imperialist Yanqui friends call
>> candy apples - apples covered in hard red candy, onna stick. And you
>> could have them with shredded, dried coconut bits as well. He also
>> did caramel apples, but words cannot describe how foul they were.
>
> Do the Ukian Filty Stinking Imperialist Yanqui Candy Apples also
> have
> the patented red candy that will fall off in large chunks when you try
> to bite into them?
>
No, these were special MI5-formulated candy was designed to shatter into
thousands of amazingly-sharp fragments as soon as you took a bite, in
order to cripple the mouths of any visiting Merkins who attempted to
steal our candy apples and eat them without the years of mouth-hardening
training that is taught in our state school system.