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Sep 7, 2009, 7:27:57 AM9/7/09

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
 
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In Case You Missed It Dept: 
President Obama received a lot of golf swing advice
from club pros at Martha's Vineyard Friday. He's very wild off the tee. The
island has four golf courses and President Obama never knows which one he's
going to play until he hits his first drive. 
President Obama promised Thursday not to mention
health care reform during Ted Kennedy's funeral eulogy. How very wise. If
Barack Obama can pull off the trick of not being associated with the Obama
Administration it could save his political career. 
Teddy Kennedy's extended family gathered in Hyannis
Port Friday at the Kennedy compound. Followers waited outside. When a puff
of white smoke came out of the chimney it meant the College of Kennedys had
elected Hugh Hefner their new patriarch. 
Ted Kennedy's friends laughingly recalled Friday the
time N.Y. Daily News photographers caught him making love to a woman on a
boat on the Riviera. The opposition loved it. Republicans saw the photos and
thought he'd changed his position on offshore drilling. 
Teddy Kennedy's biographer Ed Klein added a weird
touch to the eulogies Friday when he revealed that Ted loved Chappaquiddick
jokes. It's why comics loved Teddy. He promised Mary Jo Kopechne a second
date but it's taken him this long to call. 
Teddy Kennedy was hailed Saturday for pioneering
federal legislation to search for alternatives to animal testing. He didn't
like it at all. Scientists tested health care reform on two laboratory rats
and they were both bankrupt within the hour. 
Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said Friday she
will use Ted Kennedy's name to try to push health care reform legislation
through the U.S. Congress. It's only right. That way when the bill falls on
its face everyone will think of dear old Teddy. 
Dick Cheney ripped the White House Sunday for probing
the way the CIA interrogated terrorists by using immersion, head slapping
and sticking their heads in buckets of ice water. What's the big deal? This
is how college kids prepare for class most mornings. 
President Obama was reported Monday to be soon to
play a golf round with Tiger Woods. It's a big mistake. The nation is nine
trillion dollars in the hole and if the president wants to start winning it
back he should be playing with Michael Jordan. 
The Washington Post ran an editorial Sunday praising
Ted Kennedy and saying they will miss his moral clarity. So will the
comedians. The only way they could have set us up any better would be if
they'd praised his drive. 
New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer hinted
Monday he may run for the Senate next year. His career was derailed by a sex
scandal when he was outed as a call girl client. Perhaps no one can fill
Teddy Kennedy's shoes, but the race is on to try. 
President Obama held a Ramadan dinner at the White
House Tuesday for diplomats from Mideast countries, U.S. Muslim activists
and the head of the PLO mission. The Secret Service runs background checks
on everybody who comes into the building. That's why President Obama had to
break into the house when he got back from Martha's Vineyard. 
The U.S. government pay raise for civil servants was
lowered to just two percent on Monday. They deserve a raise. Now that civil
servants are running the U.S. automotive, banking and housing industries,
the taxpayer has never gotten a better bang for the buck. 
Speaker Nancy Pelosi changed the on-hold music for
callers to the Capitol this summer from patriotic songs to smooth jazz.
Caller outrage over the change just forced her office to change it back. The
transition from Yankee Doodle to smooth jazz has been a flop with the public
and the change in the music didn't go over either. 
President Obama will personally appeal to Congress
for health care reform next week. He thinks he can win them over with his
own story. His mother had no coverage and was turned down by hospital after
hospital until finally, he was born in a manger. 
The White House announced Wednesday that President
Obama will address a joint session of Congress next week and lay out his
plan for health care reform. The president is writing the speech himself. It
will be the second eulogy he's given in two weeks. 
Thousand Oaks, California, had an ugly health care
reform riot Thursday. An Obama supporter bit the finger off an Obama
opponent. The White House plans to show the video to school kids to teach
them the importance of washing your hands and brushing your teeth.
 
President Obama will spell out health care reform to
Congress Wednesday. Those town halls were hard for him to watch. When he
urged Americans to become more active and involved with their government, he
meant only those Americans who agreed with him. 
The White House nixed plans for kids to write essays
on ways they can help the president after the idea prompted national
outrage. It's all innocent. All President Obama wanted to know was what they
did on vacation, what their goals are in life, and what their parents say
about President Obama when they think nobody's listening. 
The Washington Post called on Charlie Rangel Friday
to step down as House Ways and Means Chairman over crooked money deals. He
was ready for them. When the numbers didn't add up on his financial
disclosure forms he accused arithmetic of being racist. 
 - - Argus Hamilton 
President Obama is vacationing in Martha's Vineyard.
It's a good time for a vacation, isn't it? I mean, everything's fixed,
right? 
Eliot Spitzer is back in town and he's running for
governor again. You know Governor Eliot Spitzer; He's the guy who pioneered
the "cash for hookers" program. Before he runs for governor again he's
putting some feelers out . . . isn't that what lost him his job in the first
place? 
 - - Letterman 
President Obama's approval rating hit a low at 45
percent, mainly because of this health care fight. You can tell things are
bad, today Bo refused to go to the vet if he had to use the public option.
 
 I read today that former New York Governor Eliot
Spitzer is considering running for the Senate. In fact, he's already holding
fundraisers . . . $500 for the full hour, $300 for a half-hour . . .
 
 Summer vacation is finally over, but not for the
Obama Family. They just got back from Martha's Vineyard and now they're
going off to another vacation at Camp David. Joe Biden was really excited
for the car trip - he loves sticking his head out the window. 
 Yesterday, ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer started work as
a professor at New York City College, where he will teach a three-hour long
political science class. This is good news for Spitzer; the last time he did
something for three hours, it cost him like 15 grand. 
 The Toyota Camry is the No. 1-selling car in the
U.S. because of the "Cash for Clunkers" program. I think Obama's getting a
little carried away. Now he's letting people trade in their old American
children for newer Japanese children." 
 - - Jimmy Fallon

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