Pass the Indian, Please.
Just look at this sodden, postage stamp of ground. Over there, you know,
originally we had a few merchants, some settlers, some pilgrims, some trappers,
some soldiers; they all had buckles on their shoes. And soldiers would've all
been in armour.
Just folks.
Yes, yes.
While over here...there were some Indians. Mohawks, Beauts, and Araparounds, all
dressed up and looking like Currier and Ives.
Guardians of this sacred land.
And in between this sumptious feast, untouched as yet by hand of man.
Yum, yum. I'd like some of that.
Well...the leader of the white man spoke:
'Let's whop them Indians!' he said.
The Indians, of course, had nothing to say.
So, of course, they said nothing.
I think we can agree that was a typical scene, gentlemen. One which was to be
repeated thousands of time.
In the thousands of times--
--to come.
Except...
The first one was different.
Well, well, why did the first one have to be different?
Here's the thing. It didn't seem any different at first.
No, no, no. One of the soldiers walked over to one of the Indians, and he
throttled him, like this--
Oh! Oh! Sorry!
Sorry, old man. Well, you can bet that made the white folk in the buckle shoes
as proud as punch.
'Manifest destiny!' cried the captain of the ship.
'That Indian is as good as dead,' said the minister wife.
'A dead Indian is good,' cleverly rejoined the captain of the dragoons.
'The only good Injun is a dead Injun,' said a little boy.
And they all applauded.
And, you know, they were about to let the little boy eat the Indian's heart---
Yum, yum.
--when someone--
--I think it was the minister--
--reminded them they were all Christians.
'And eating the heart of an Indian isn't really something Christ would do.'
No, no, no, no. Oh my.
The Indian didn't say anything because--
--of course--
--he was dead.
'Good heavens!' exclaimed the chief of the Indians. 'These people not friendly.'
'Mmmm. Depend what you mean by friendly,' said the medicine man.
'Depend what you mean by people,' said the chief. And he shot an arrow and the
soldier which bounced off the armour. 'Take that!'
'Nyah, nyah, nyahy nyah-nyah,' exclaimed the minister's wife and she raised her
buckley musket--
'Look out!'
[bang] said the musket. And a couple of Indians fell dead, clutching their
intestines.
'Oh!'
Which spilled out on this ground.
Well, folks, that really got things going. There was a lot of shooting and
dodging behind trees and sulking and so on.
The Indians killed a few settlers.
And the settlers killed a lot of Indians.
And the feast was still untouched except for those musketballs.
Yes.
And it looked like democracy was being made safe for America.
When--
--all of the sudden, gentlemen, a very strange and unprecendent thing happenned.
What happenned--
--and you know this does sound a little strange--
--what happenned was--
--all the white people turned into black people.
'Hiya, blood. Hello, bro.'
Like that.
Now you think this amazed and befuddled the Indians.
Not so.
All the Indians turned into Chinese.
This was quite a turn of events.
And then, folks, a funny thing happenned.
All the settlers took off their buckles and he girdles and started dancing and
painting each other, and a few days later someone--
--we think it was the minister--
--said, 'What about this war we was a-having?'
'Wait, wait, what was we fighting about?'
'I think we was a-going to take their land.'
'Ha, ha, ha! That's unthinkable. And besides what do you mean by their land.'
'Hey, I dig it. It's no man's land.'
'Right on!'
Ah, yes, well, you see after only a short hesitation the black people and the
yellow people got together socially.
And a little hanky-panky amongst the younger folk.
Ho, ho, ho.
And everything got sort of blended together.
Until one day they all looked around, and there was--
--nothing--
--but--
--Indians. That's right,folks---
--absolutely nothing--
--but--
--Indians.
You see--
--and here comes the headline--
--the definition of an Indian is--
--a white man--
--who becomes a black man--
--who becomes a yellow man--
--who becomes a white man--
--who becomes a black man--
--who becomes a yellow man.
Well, some may say that is an over-simplification.
Well, it is an over-simplification.
I agree.
But from here today it looks like it's better than killing people. Doesn't it?
Don't you?
I agree.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I think so.
We shouldn't kill anybody.
--
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'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' /|\
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from Metebelis 3. All praise the Great Don! insults Islam. Mohammed