a ghazal "kabhii koshish jo kii maiN ne tire nazdiik aane kii"
Dilnavaaz
maiN kaafii dinoN se alup maze le le kar parh rahii hooN, lekin is
meiN aane kii himmat naheeN hotii thii. maiN ne yeh dekhaa hai ke
yahaaN nae likhne waaloN kii himmat afzaaii hotii hai aur un kii
islaaH bhii hosaktii hai. mujh ko urdu kaa behad shoq hai aur kuch
toote phoote shair bhii keh leti hooN. mujhe himmat afzaaii aur islaaH
donoN kii saKht zaroorat hai. yehii soch kar barii mushkil se apne ko
yahaaN ghasiit kar laaii hooN.
meraa naam Dilnavaaz hai aur meraa taKhallus "Hayaa" hai. aap sab se
merii darKhwast hai ke merii ghazal ko dekh kar us kii ghaltiyaN
bataaiye taake merii islaaH hosake. aap sab kaa bohat bohat shukriya.
Dilnavaaz "Hayaa"
GHAZAL:
kabhii koshish jo kii maiN ne tire nazdiik aane kii
na jaane biich meiN kyoN aagayiiN baateN zamaane kii
na gul apne, na apnaa baaghbaaN hai, aur na hii gulshan
ghariibaan-e-chaman ko fikr kyoN ho aashiyaane kii
agar khaamosh rahtii hooN to dam seene meiN ghut-taa hai
jo ro-ooN to khataktii hooN nigaahoN meiN zamaane kii
kabhii nazreN milaate ho, kabhii aaNkheN churaate ho
ajab hii riit hai yeh dostoN ko aazmaane kii
karooN to kyaa karooN, jaa-ooN to kaise terii maHfil meiN
Hayaa ne paaooN baaNdhe haiN, na aane kii, na jaane kii
yeh kaisii bebasii hai ibtidaa-e-ishq meiN yaa-rab
na ban jaae kahiiN yeh intihaa mere fasaane kii
bhalaa koi sunegaa kyon tirii bazm-e-muHabbat meiN
"Hayaa" too baat to kartii nahiiN ik pal thikaane kii
Dilnavaaz "Hayaa"
Raj Kumar
> alup ke sab araakiin ko aadaab arz hai!
>
> maiN kaafii dinoN se alup maze le le kar parh rahii hooN, lekin is
> meiN aane kii himmat naheeN hotii thii. maiN ne yeh dekhaa hai ke
> yahaaN nae likhne waaloN kii himmat afzaaii hotii hai aur un kii
> islaaH bhii ho saktii hai. mujh ko urdu kaa behad shoq hai aur kuch
> toote phoote shair bhii keh leti hooN. mujhe himmat afzaaii aur islaaH
> donoN kii saKht zaroorat hai. yehii soch kar barii mushkil se apne ko
> yahaaN ghasiit kar laaii hooN.
Hayaa Saahiba:
bazm-e-ALUP meiN aap ka aanaa sir-aaNkhoN par. maiN, sabhi dostoN ki
jaanib se, aap ko yahaaN par "Khush-aamaded!" kehta hooN.
aap ka yeh kehna bajaa hai ke yahaaN par naye likhne vaaloN ki
hausla-afzaaii kii jaati hai aur, gaahe-ba-gaahe, islaah bhi dii jaati
hai. magar,
aksar-auqaat, kuchh nau-vaarid aise bhi hote haiN jinheN 'baihr'
(ya'ani-ke, meter) ki aagaahi naheeN hoti. unheN hausla-afzaaii ke
saath saath yeh bhi kahaa jaata hai ke voh kisi maqaami shaa'ir se
raabita qaa'im kareN. Khush-qismati se, aap ko yeh mas'ala dar-pesh
naheeN hai!
aur jahaaN tak islaah ka ta'alluq hai, bhai yeh baRaa mushkil kaam
hai. ise to maNjhe huye shaa'ir hi nibhaa sakte haiN. albatta, yahaaN
par beshtar as_haab aise haiN jo ke aap ko apne ta'assuraat se
baihra-var kar sakte haiN aur, aisa karte huye, aap ko kuchh tajaaveez
bhi muhaiyya kar sakte haiN --- jin se aap chaaheN to istefaada kar
sakti haiN. aur agar koi tajveez aap ki taba'-e-naazuk ko naa-pasaNd
ho to use dar-guzar bhi kar sakti haiN.
jahaaN tak aap ki haaliya Ghazal ka ta'alluq hai, mujhe to yeh Ghazal
majmoo'ii taur par bahut achchhi lagi hai. is ke har she'r ka Khayaal
qaabil-e-sitaa'ish hai aur baNdish bhi bajaa hai. mujhe to kaheeN par
bhi koi Ghalati nazar naheeN aaii; albatta, taraamem ki guNjaa'ish to
qareeb qareeb har she'r meiN hoti hai!
> GHAZAL:
>
> kabhii koshish jo kii maiN ne tire nazdiik aane kii
> na jaane biich meiN kyoN aa gayiiN baateN zamaane kii
matla bahut Khoob hai. aap ko mubaarak ho!
> na gul apne, na apnaa baaghbaaN hai, aur na hii gulshan
> ghariibaan-e-chaman ko fikr kyoN ho aashiyaane kii
she'r bahut achchha hai -- Khaas-kar, doosra misra to bahut hi Khoob
hai. albatta, pehle misre ki saaKht kuchh aisi hai ke is meiN
'ravaani' naheeN hai. How about this?
na gul apne, na Khaar apne, na barg apne, na baar apne
is tarmeem se, mera Khayaal hai ke is misre ka 'flow' bahut sudhar
jaata hai.
> agar khaamosh rahtii hooN to dam seene meiN ghut-taa hai
> jo ro-ooN to khataktii hooN nigaahoN meiN zamaane kii
bahut achchha she'r hai. Even so, how about a minor change?
ro-ooN ---> bolooN
This will go better with 'Khaamosh rehna'!
In any case, this she'r reminds me of one of my own ash'aar:
dekh, tire deevaanoN ki ab jaan pe kyaa ban aaii hai
chup saadheN to dam ghuTta hai, boleN to rusvaaii hai!
> kabhii nazreN milaate ho, kabhii aaNkheN churaate ho
> ajab hii riit hai yeh dostoN ko aazmaane kii
bahut achchha she'r hai. magar doosre misre meiN lafz 'hii' naheeN
jach rahaa. How about this little change?
ajab hii ---> anokhii
> karooN to kyaa karooN, jaa-ooN to kaise terii maHfil meiN
> Hayaa ne paaooN baaNdhe haiN, na aane kii, na jaane kii
An excellent she'r! "na aane kii, na jaane kii" ka javaab naheeN ---
Khush raho, azeeza!
> yeh kaisii bebasii hai ibtidaa-e-ishq meiN yaa-rab
> na ban jaae kahiiN yeh intihaa mere fasaane kii
A first-class she'r! meri raaye meiN, yeh she'r kisi bhi islaah ka
mohtaaj naheeN hai!!!
> bhalaa koi sunegaa kyon tirii bazm-e-muHabbat meiN
> "Hayaa" too baat to kartii nahiiN ik pal thikaane kii
doosra misra Khoob hai magar pehle misre meiN lafz 'tirii' ne ib_haam
paidaa kar rakkha hai. It is not clear whether you are saying
"bazm-e-muhabbat meiN tirii kaun sune ga" or "[tirii bazm-e-muhabbat]
meiN kaun sune ga"? I trust you mean the former. Then, please change
'tirii' to 'tujhe'. That will remove the ambiguity.
I hope these comments help. But please accept only those suggestions
that appeal to your heart and mind --- and ignore the rest.
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
UVR
Welcome to ALUP!
<...['cut-n-paste'd from near the end of Raj sahib's post]...>
> > bhalaa koi sunegaa kyon tirii bazm-e-muHabbat meiN
> > "Hayaa" too baat to kartii nahiiN ik pal thikaane kii
>
> doosra misra Khoob hai magar pehle misre meiN lafz 'tirii' ne ib_haam
> paidaa kar rakkha hai. It is not clear whether you are saying
> "bazm-e-muhabbat meiN tirii kaun sune ga" or "[tirii bazm-e-muhabbat]
> meiN kaun sune ga"? I trust you mean the former. Then, please change
> 'tirii' to 'tujhe'. That will remove the ambiguity.
yooN to un ki islaah ke aage kuchh bhi kahna mere liye
"chhoTa muNh ba.Di baat" ho gi, lekin agar Raj sahib
gustaaKhi m'aaf kareN to ek choTi si tarmeem tajveez
karna chaahooN ga: pehle misre ko agar yooN kaheN to? --
"bhalaa terii sunegaa kyoN ko_ii bazm-e-muHabbat meiN"
^^^^^ ^^^^^
meri raa'e meiN aisa karne se aap ke alfaaz to wahi
ist'emaal hoNge, lekin woh 'tirii bazm...' waali baat,
jis par Rajkumar-ji ne aiteraaz kiya hai (aur jis se maiN
bhi muttafiq hooN) jaati rahe gi.
-UVR
P.S. BTW, agarche ham sab ki jaanib se Qais sahib aap kaa
Khair maqdam kar hi chuke hai.n, magar phir bhi mai.n angrezi
meiN aap kaa isteqbaal kar rahaa hooN. woh is liye _*naheeN*_
keh maiN, bhagwaan na kare, Khud ko Raj sahib ke "sabhi dosto.N"
meiN shumaar nahiN kartaa [LOL], magar is liye keh is mehfil
meiN mujh-se aur bhi haiN jo Urdu zubaan ki baareeqiyoN aur
shaa'iri ki pechidagiyoN se zara naa aashnaa haiN, aur hameiN
aksar is 'firangi' zubaan ka sahaaraa ba-taur baisaakhi (crutch)
lena pa.Dtaa hai :) :D
so ek-adad 'welcome' ham "sabhoN" :D :) ki Or se bhi qubool farmaayeN.
Raj Kumar
> Hayaa sahibaa:
>
> Welcome to ALUP!
>
> <...['cut-n-paste'd from near the end of Raj sahib's post]...>
>
> > > bhalaa koi sunegaa kyon tirii bazm-e-muHabbat meiN
> > > "Hayaa" too baat to kartii nahiiN ik pal thikaane kii
> >
> > doosra misra Khoob hai magar pehle misre meiN lafz 'tirii' ne ib_haam
> > paidaa kar rakkha hai. It is not clear whether you are saying
> > "bazm-e-muhabbat meiN tirii kaun sune ga" or "[tirii bazm-e-muhabbat]
> > meiN kaun sune ga"? I trust you mean the former. Then, please change
> > 'tirii' to 'tujhe'. That will remove the ambiguity.
>
> yooN to un ki islaah ke aage kuchh bhi kahna mere liye
> "chhoTa muNh ba.Di baat" ho gi, lekin agar Raj sahib
> gustaaKhi m'aaf kareN to ek choTi si tarmeem tajveez
> karna chaahooN ga: pehle misre ko agar yooN kaheN to? --
>
> "bhalaa terii sunegaa kyoN ko_ii bazm-e-muHabbat meiN"
> ^^^^^ ^^^^^
> meri raa'e meiN aisa karne se aap ke alfaaz to wahi
> ist'emaal hoNge, lekin woh 'tirii bazm...' waali baat,
> jis par Rajkumar-ji ne aiteraaz kiya hai (aur jis se maiN
> bhi muttafiq hooN) jaati rahe gi.
I fully agree with the suggestion made by UVR Saahib and recommend it
whole-heartedly to Hayaa Saahiba.
yeh to maani huyee baat hai ke islaah ya tarmeem meiN alfaaz ki
tabdeelii "kam se kam" honi chaahiye. aur yahaaN par to aek bhi lafz
naheeN badla; sirf tarteeb hi badli hai aur, aisa karne se, misra
nihaayat saaf-o-shaffaaf ho gayaa hai. bahut Khoob, Ravindra Sahib! ab
dekhiye maiN ne Theek hi kahaa tha na?
"yaheeN khiltaa hai U V R ka fann"! :-))
aur ab to jii chaahata hai ke "khiltaa" ko "khultaa" se badal dooN!
kiyooN, kyaa Khayaal hai aap ka?
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Vijay Kumar
Hayaa Sahiba,
vaise to Raj aur UVR sahebban neN hamaara kaam halka kar diia hai
lekin socha ki Khud zaati taur pe bhii aap kaa Khair maqdam kar duuN
ALUP kii is mehfal maiN. aap kii ghazal bohat pasaNd aaii. aap kii
ghazal se mujhe to aap bohat maNjhii huui shaiira lagtii haiN na kii
koii aisii jise "himmat afzaaii aur islaaH donoN kii saKht zaroorat"
ho. aap zaroor par zaroor apnii aur ghazleN bhii pesh kareN.
maqte ke baare meN maiN UVR sahib se, Raj Sahib kii tarah, sau fee
sadi muttafiq huuN. 'tirii sunega' 'sunega tujhe' se majmooii taur pe
bhii ziadah achhii tarkiib lagtii hai.
Best Regards,
Vijay Kumar
UVR
>
> yeh to maani huyee baat hai ke islaah ya tarmeem meiN alfaaz ki
> tabdeelii "kam se kam" honi chaahiye. aur yahaaN par to aek bhi lafz
> naheeN badla; sirf tarteeb hi badli hai aur, aisa karne se, misra
> nihaayat saaf-o-shaffaaf ho gayaa hai. bahut Khoob, Ravindra Sahib! ab
> dekhiye maiN ne Theek hi kahaa tha na?
> "yaheeN khiltaa hai U V R ka fann"! :-))
>
> aur ab to jii chaahata hai ke "khiltaa" ko "khultaa" se badal dooN!
> kiyooN, kyaa Khayaal hai aap ka?
jaisaa aap Theek samjheiN, Raj sahib, lekin yeh bhi sach hai keh
aksar log "khultaa" ke saath lafz "muNh" istimaal karte haiN ... LOL LOL
-UVR.
Sarwar Alam Raz
>
> maiN kaafii dinoN se alup maze le le kar parh rahii hooN, lekin is
> meiN aane kii himmat naheeN hotii thii. maiN ne yeh dekhaa hai ke
> yahaaN nae likhne waaloN kii himmat afzaaii hotii hai aur un kii
> islaaH bhii hosaktii hai. mujh ko urdu kaa behad shoq hai aur kuch
> toote phoote shair bhii keh leti hooN. mujhe himmat afzaaii aur islaaH
> donoN kii saKht zaroorat hai. yehii soch kar barii mushkil se apne ko
> yahaaN ghasiit kar laaii hooN.
>
> meraa naam Dilnavaaz hai aur meraa taKhallus "Hayaa" hai. aap sab se
> merii darKhwast hai ke merii ghazal ko dekh kar us kii ghaltiyaN
> bataaiye taake merii islaaH hosake. aap sab kaa bohat bohat shukriya.
>
> Dilnavaaz "Hayaa"
Hayaa saaheba tasleem
aap kee Ghazal dekhee aur us per ahl.e.alup ke tabsare bhee nazar se
guzre. agar maiN shaa'iraana lehje meiN kahooN to yooN kahooNgaa ke
aap ke naam aur taKhallus kee taraH aap kee Ghazal bhee dilnavaaz hai.
albatta yeh maan'ne meiN mujhko ta'ammul hai ke aap no-mashq haiN! aap
kaa her sher vazan aur beHr se pooraa hai, zubaan saaf aur faseeH hai,
bayaan nikhraa huaa hai. reh gayee bandish aur Khayaalaat to voh bhee
Khoob haiN. balke aap kaa intiKhaab.e.alfaaz aur phir unkee bandish
bohat dilkash haiN. agar isee kaa naam "tootee-phootee" shaa'iree hai
to aglee baar apnee koi aChhee Ghazal sunvaa deejiye!
muKhtasar yooN ke aap kee aamad se Khushee huee. alup meiN aatee
rehiye aur apnee GhazlaiN pesh kartee rehiyee. shukriya aur
Khush-aamadeed! ab apnee Ghazal per kuChh sun leejiye kyoNke meraa
bhee dil shaheedoN meiN daaKhil hone ko chaah rahaa hai!
Sarwar Raz "Sarwar"
GHAZAL:
>
> kabhii koshish jo kii maiN ne tire nazdiik aane kii
> na jaane biich meiN kyoN aagayiiN baateN zamaane kii
>
matla Khoob hai. MarHabaa!
> na gul apne, na apnaa baaghbaaN hai, aur na hii gulshan
> ghariibaan-e-chaman ko fikr kyoN ho aashiyaane kii
meree naaqis raa'e meiN pehlaa misra aisaa naheeN hai ke us kee
ravaanee meiN shak kiyaa jaa'e. shaayad yooN Theek ho ke "na hee
gulshan"---->na gulshan hee
>
> agar khaamosh rahtii hooN to dam seene meiN ghut-taa hai
> jo ro-ooN to khataktii hooN nigaahoN meiN zamaane kii
>
harchand ke Khaamoshee aur bolne kaa rishta puraana hai, jo bebasee
rone meiN hai voh bolne meiN kahaaN. is sher ko yooN hee rehne deejiye
varna is kaa dard Khatm ho-jaayegaa.
> kabhii nazreN milaate ho, kabhii aaNkheN churaate ho
> ajab hii riit hai yeh dostoN ko aazmaane kii
"ajab hee" mein ek zor hai jo (Raj saaheb mujhe muaaf kareN) "anokhee"
meiN mujh ko nazar naheeN aayaa. sher aChha hai, go bohat aChha to
naheeN kahooNgaa!
> karooN to kyaa karooN, jaa-ooN to kaise terii maHfil meiN
> Hayaa ne paaooN baaNdhe haiN, na aane kii, na jaane kii
subHan-Allah! "na aane kee, na jaane kee" kaa kyaa kehnaa!
> yeh kaisii bebasii hai ibtidaa-e-ishq meiN yaa-rab
> na ban jaae kahiiN yeh intihaa mere fasaane kii
bohat Khoob! Masha-Allah, Khoob kahaa hai!
>
> bhalaa koi sunegaa kyon tirii bazm-e-muHabbat meiN
> "Hayaa" too baat to kartii nahiiN ik pal thikaane kii
pehle misre meiN tiree ke ba'd "comma" lagaa deejiye to koi ibhaam
naheeN reh jaataa hai. vaise uvr saaheb kee tajveez se ravaanee behter
hojaatee hai.
aaKhir meiN yeh ke ummeed hai aap alup meiN aatiee raheN gee.
"Sarwar"
> Dilnavaaz "Hayaa"
Irfan 'Abid'
Hayaa Saahibaa, aadaab aur Khush-aamdiid!
aap kii Ghazal dekhii. maashaa-Allaah, kyaa Khuub kalaam hai! tamaam
ash'aar qaabil-e-taareef haiN. aap ne naahaq takalluf kiyaa aur mehfil
ko apnii aalaa sha'irii se mahruum rakkhaa. ummiid hai ab aap kii
tashreef-aavarii hotii rahegii.
niyaazmand,
Irfan 'Abid'