October Challenge -- Mothers Will Fuss -- (1407)
Anopheles
Barry Aitchison
Antonio leant back to cast a critical eye over the eager Lowlander. Albrecht
Dürer allowed the appraisal without protest. He needed the del Pollaiolos.
Outside a tempest whipped the canals to fury, but here in the del Pollaiolo
residence, a roaring fire kept the Venetian chill at bay.
It was Piero who broke the silence. "What makes you think we'd do such a
thing? It is against the law."
"I completed my apprenticeship, sir. My eye, they say, is as good as
anyone's.
Your work displays what must only come from such an interest."
"How much would you pay," demanded Antonio.
Dürer looked troubled. "We are comfortable, but barely. I could afford
perhaps five golden florins?"
"Make it ten!" bellowed Antonio, sweeping up his wine and drinking.
"Antonio!" cautioned Piero. "What if he talks?"
"Look at him," scoffed Antonio. "He's Dutch, not Venetian. And he looks like
Jesus with that long hair and beard. No, he'll keep his tongue haltered."
A night-bird in a tree was the only sound apart from a crunch of spade in
fresh dug soil. Albrecht kept watch on the wrought iron gates of the old
cemetery and prayed the Doge's officials were not patrolling.
The brothers had placed a tarpaulin over the grave and a lantern under that
so the light was captured beneath it. Still, it gave the tarpaulin a creepy
effect.
"Who was she?" he whispered to the brothers as the dirt piled up around the
grave.
"No one you would know," Piero said, stopping as the spade struck the
coffin.
With the lantern light confined, they prized the lid free and opened the
casket. Inside was a young girl, richly dressed, perhaps in her mid-teens.
"So sweet," sighed Piero.
"What a waste," murmured Antonio.
"Look at her rich garments," said Albrecht. "Why is she here, in the pauper
section?"
"What concern is it for you? She's a suicide. At least she's buried in holy
ground. It was a concession to an important family"
"Well, what now?" asked Albrecht nervously.
"Continue as planned," said Antonio.
Above them a strange mist was settling, but they failed to notice. The old
headstones seemed almost luminous in the eerie light.
The brothers slipped the corpse from the casket and placed it on the top of
the lid.
As Piero began removing her undergarments, Antonio placed a gnarled hand on
his brother's shoulder. "Let us show her the respect she deserves."
"Hold the lantern closer," demanded Piero as he slipped a scalpel from its
case.
Dürer shuddered as the walls of flesh parted like the Red Sea, but no blood
welled. The incision ran the length of the girl's thigh, exposing both
muscle and bone structure. The three began hastily sketching.
The sudden touch at his leg made Dürer leap with fright. "Get away!" he
said.
The other two laughed softly. "Seeing apparitions, are we?" asked Antonio.
"It was a damned cat! I swear it."
"Sure it was," said Antonio. "Look we're going down into the crypt. You
finish here then we'll tuck her in again."
Albrecht watched the two Venetians pick their way through the headstones to
where the crypt was silhouetted. Turning back to the girl he felt a surge of
fright. A woman stood a few graves away, quietly watching him. She was
dressed in the fashion of the well to do, but in mourning dress.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice betraying his fright.
"Have you seen my cat?" she asked. "Well, it's my daughter's really."
That immediately brought Albrecht's eyes to the mound at his feet and the
tarpaulin that covered the evidence. He looked up again. "Funny thing. A cat
did rub against my leg not long ago and I admit I jumped."
The woman laughed softly. "She's an affectionate animal. My daughter loved
him. That's why I don't want to lose him."
"What is the animal's name?"
"She called him Zani. Short for Zanipolo. It was named after a boy she loved
dearly."
"There's the cat," said Albrecht making a sweep of his hand and scooping up
the Persian as it smooched a headstone. "Did you say 'was'?"
The woman nodded as she took the cat from Dürer. "How kind of you to show
interest in Grazia. My daughter was grieving for Zanipolo who lost his life
fighting the French not far from here. She grieved too much."
"I see," said Dürer, stealing a look at the girl. "You have my condolences,
madam, now, please excuse me, I must-"
The woman nodded, rubbed her face into the cat and walked away towards the
gates. Soon, with her dark clothing, he had lost sight of her.
Albrecht continued his sketching.
"Did you have your way with the sweetie?" asked Antonio with a smirk.
Ignoring him, Dürer put the drawings down. "I did have a visitor."
"Oh, did you," said Piero, "I suppose it was the ghost of poor Grazia
there."
Albrecht laughed with a choked laugh. "No ghosts, Piero. This was a very
real, if sadly pathetic creature, the mother of this unfortunate girl. She
came for the cat. I told you there was a cat."
The brothers looked at each other. "You saw Grazia's mother?"Antonio asked.
Albrecht Dürer smiled. "What is wrong with you two grave-robbers? You seem
more frightened of the living than of the dead. The woman is real, is she
not?"
"Certainly," said Piero. "We just left her in the crypt. Dead as all the
emperors of Roma."
"But-," said Dürer and that was about all he had to say.
The three had the earth back in a mound above the grave within half an hour,
just as the church clock struck 2:00 AM. The brothers carried their spades
and lamp with the tarpaulin slung over Antonio's shoulder. Albrecht paused.
"My folder. I forgot my drawings!"
The Venetians, of course, laughed a treat. That was the first thing they
made sure of, their sketches.
Albrecht made his way back to the grave and found the folder. "What made me
forget you," he asked the leather bound binder. "I never have before."
He made his way towards the brothers, amazed to see them transfixed between
the headstones. "No!" he heard Antonio moan. "Go away."
It seemed the wind had changed or something because Albrecht turned up his
collar against the chill that struck right through him.
Yes, it was colder, and it was darker-- the stars no longer visible through
the mist. It was a sheet of pure white everywhere in sight.
Piero set up a shrill wail. "Leave me alone. Go away. I'll never come here
again."
"What is happening?" Dürer called.
"Can't you see, you dumb Dutchman?" came Antonio's gruff voice. "You said
you spoke with her and she was nice or something like that. Good God, look
at her. A spectre! A ghoul! She hangs in the air, teeth like a carnivore,
finger nails yellow with age and long as your arm. And that moaning! You
must hear that moaning! Are you deaf?"
"I see nothing."
"Hold up your crucifix," said Piero. "That will protect us from evil."
Antonio freed the leather thong from his neck and held the silver cross up
towards something unseen. "In the name of Jesus, leave us, evil one. Go back
to hell/"
For a second or two the apparition made itself visible to Albrecht. He
wished it hadn't. The green flesh was rotting off the skeleton, leaving a
ghoulish smile that was unintended. The moan was more than sound, it was
acid, poison, it was death in a sound wave. Both brothers were on their
knees, now too weak to move. The cross lay uselessly on the ground.
Dürer stepped forward, between the brothers and the angry spirit. "We mean
you no harm," he said softly, "or your daughter. We are artists and we seek
truth, nothing else. If you allow us passage, I swear I will bring your
daughter back to life with my drawings and she will never age."
Almost immediately the tension eased. After a few minutes, the del
Pollaiolos brothers dared to look up, then rose gingerly, looking around
constantly.
"Come, you two chicken-hearted Venetians," said Albrecht. "She has given you
a reprieve, but a warning, too. You must remember the face of Grazia and you
must put her in your works. Do this and the spectre will not return. Forget
it and it will find you."
Anopheles
doc
> Mothers Will Fuss
> Barry Aitchison
>
> Antonio leant back to cast a critical eye over the eager Lowlander.
> Albrecht Dürer allowed the appraisal without protest. He needed the del
> Pollaiolos. Outside a tempest whipped the canals to fury, but here in the
> del Pollaiolo residence, a roaring fire kept the Venetian chill at bay.
> It was Piero who broke the silence. "What makes you think we'd do such a
> thing? It is against the law."
<snip>
I'm not familiar with Albrecht Durer's works, but I certainly did enjoy
this little story. The mood and the atmosphere were well realized and the
tone was true to Sue's criteria.
I thought you did an especially good job in establishing the setting; I was
able to conjure up a pretty vivid image of the graveyard and the three
artists at work. And the apparition was also quite startling.
All in all, this was a pretty impressive read. Nicely done, Barry.
Best,
doc
Anopheles
Thank you, Doc. This was a blend of fact and fiction. Let's call it Faction!
:-)
What is said of Dürer is mostly true. He certainly did look a little like
the European representation of Christ in his early days. Immediately
following his marriage he left the good woman for 3-4 years to travel and
one place he went -- as did every other budding artist -- was northern
Italy.
It is true that in Venice he met the brothers as described and it is also
true that the brothers engaged in a little illegal biology. The bringing of
these brothers and Dutchman together to do the dirty deed is a fiction.
Thank you for your interest.
Anopheles
Alaric
language, your dialogue drops easily in the then. That's it, really, I
suppose. Excellent piece.
Anopheles
"Alaric" wrote
> Great stuff. Always say you're a past guy rather than a future guy. Your
> language, your dialogue drops easily in the then. That's it, really, I
> suppose. Excellent piece.
So, summing up, to which I would agree, I', past it?
Really, thank you for the comments. They fill a current need.
Anopheles
Pensandpad
Barry Aitchison
Antonio leant back to cast a critical eye over the eager Lowlander.
Albrecht
Pollaiolos.
Outside a tempest whipped the canals to fury, but here in the del
Pollaiolo
residence, a roaring fire kept the Venetian chill at bay.
It was Piero who broke the silence. "What makes you think we'd do such
a
thing? It is against the law."
"I completed my apprenticeship, sir. My eye, they say, is as good as
anyone's. Your work displays what must only come from such an
interest."
"How much would you pay," demanded Antonio.
Dürer looked troubled. "We are comfortable, but barely. I could
afford
perhaps five golden florins?"
"Make it ten!" bellowed Antonio, sweeping up his wine and drinking.
"Antonio!" cautioned Piero. "What if he talks?"
"Look at him," scoffed Antonio. "He's Dutch, not Venetian. And he
looks like
Jesus with that long hair and beard. No, he'll keep his tongue
haltered."
funny}
Lots of story crammed into that short. At first I didn't understand
why they cut the dead girls thigh and proceeded to sketch. I guess
that summoned the demon. I thought that was the objective of being at
the tomb, but he laughs and says, "seeing apparitions?" I thought
the cat turned into a woman. I didn't understand the opening.
Either. Haggling over money, one said, ""I completed my
apprenticeship, sir." Perhaps completely defining what kind of
artists sketches the dead and why up front in the story might help.
I'm not to sure I completely got this story, even though still a fun
read.
Anopheles
You raise (indirectly) an interesting point, JJ. To understand this story
does require preknowledge of art, the history of medicine, history
generally, and so on. It doesn't need a degree or in-depth knowledge, but
without knowing, for example, that artists and doctors gained their
knowledge of anatomy by secret dissections, the story would not make sense.
So my question is this. Is it the reader's or the writer's responsibility to
know these things or does one read this then go acquire the knowledge to
understand it and by doing-- grow.
A quick Google up on Durer and the two Italians would put you on the road.
Anopheles
Wind River
>
> "Look at him," scoffed Antonio. "He's Dutch, not Venetian. And he looks
> like
> Jesus with that long hair and beard. No, he'll keep his tongue haltered."
So you found his self-portraits? :)
Wonderful story, Barry. The atmosphere and mood came through well. It
even had the required cat. Good job with it.
Sue
Pensandpad
I continue to learn from you, Bear. And the best lesson is when you
learn without knowing.
Anopheles
But doesn't he look like the Northern European Christ? I think a story lies
in that alone.
He was a strange one. His marriage was suss and he knicked off for years
without consumating it? Talk about a dire need for Colgate.
Anyway, thanks for your comments. I wasn't so sure I had captured the
atmosphere you wanted.
Anopheles
Anopheles
"Pensandpad"wrote:
I would have said we learn from each other.
Alaric
"Anopheles" <hi...@coolcats.com.au> wrote in message
news:47069e35$0$31086$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au...
If the implication there is even vaguely that you're doubting your talents,
then you need to be beaten up in a corner.
Wind River
>
> "Wind River" wrote:
>
>> Anopheles wrote:
>>
>>>
>>> "Look at him," scoffed Antonio. "He's Dutch, not Venetian. And he
>>> looks like
>>> Jesus with that long hair and beard. No, he'll keep his tongue
>>> haltered."
>>
>>
>> So you found his self-portraits? :)
>>
>> Wonderful story, Barry. The atmosphere and mood came through well. It
>> even had the required cat. Good job with it.
>>
>
> But doesn't he look like the Northern European Christ? I think a story
> lies in that alone.
Yes he did, and some of the art historians interpret his last known
self-portrait to be purposely done in a traditional Christ-like pose of
the time to show how art comes from the God within (or something like
that). When I heard that in art history, I wondered if he just had a big
ego. :)
Sue
Ian
> Mothers Will Fuss
> Barry Aitchison
>
> Antonio leant back to cast a critical eye over the eager Lowlander. Albrecht
....
By God, yet another marvelous story! At this rate, we could easily fill
an anthology and make a few bob....
Liked the easy style of the exchanges between these guys; relaxed,
friendly mockery, realistic dickering about the money.
'laughed with a choked laugh', I'd change - Albrecht choked on his
laugh', Albrecht's laugh became a choke', 'ended in choking.' something
on these lines.
'flesh parted like the Red Sea' didn't sound quite right to me, though I
couldn't say why exactly. 'the flesh fell apart as it was sliced'?
These are tiny quibbles. The story overall is dark, cleverly brings in
all the requirements and makes them work nicely together. The graveyard
atmosphere is just right. Reminded me a little of R L Stephenson's story
about the two Edinburgh bodysnatchers, medical students, nicking the old
farmer's wife cadaver .
Excellent stuff.
--
Ian
Anopheles
Thanks for the encouragement, Ian. It was a good day, the day you popped in
here.
Those suggestions line up with my thinking as well so if I do a revision,
I'll look at them.
The competition is hotting up around here. It used to be I'd win a gong
every second or third Challenge, but these days it takes something special
to get close All good for all of us.
Anopheles
Wind River
>
> The competition is hotting up around here. It used to be I'd win a gong
> every second or third Challenge, but these days it takes something special
> to get close All good for all of us.
Try better bribes. :)
Wind River
Yeah, I'm the only one who is allowed self-doubt.
Sue
Pensandpad
Then you're the only writer in here.
Pensandpad
>
> - Show quoted text -
This place is crackin'. I don't know what it is but the mag. It'll
shake out, true fellows of craft will remain, then I'll start beating
your ass on the monthly challenges...AGAIN.
Anopheles
"Wind River" wrote:.
You must be joking. I offered my body, didn't I?
Anopheles
Truth is I could do with more self-doubt. I just got a little down because
something I quite liked, posted in two versions, have been overlooked apart
from Alaric. Anyway, I made a third variation and decided there was little
point posting it so I submitted it to GlimmerTrain. I should know in a
month. It pays US$700.
These Challenges are great but if they drive out independant work, the group
may ultimately suffer.
Anopheles
Anopheles
Ever heard the hominy, "One swallow a summer does not make."?
Wind River
As I said ...
Wind River
>
>
> Truth is I could do with more self-doubt. I just got a little down because
> something I quite liked, posted in two versions, have been overlooked apart
> from Alaric. Anyway, I made a third variation and decided there was little
> point posting it so I submitted it to GlimmerTrain. I should know in a
> month. It pays US$700.
What's the name of the story? I read most everything on AFO, but for a
few weeks recently, I was overwhelmed in RL and didn't get to all of
them. I looked back over the posts, and the non-challenge stories of
yours that I see are "The Normalization of Norman", "Bog", "The
Kadaicha and the Chimpanzee", and "Baby Blues". All of these received a
lot of feedback with the exception of "Norman", and unfortunately long
stories on AFO suffer. The times I've posted long ones, only one or two
people have responded.
So ... I don't know if the story appeared on my newsreader or not (at
one point last month, several posts didn't appear), but if you post the
title, I can Google it.
GlimmerTrain is an excellent publication, but a very difficult one in
which to be accepted. I sent something to them a few years back and was
sent a link to their Editor's Input and was told my story was a good
read. They have fast turnaround which is nice.
Sue
Pensandpad
>
> - Show quoted text -
I copied their rejection letter to my desktop, useful stuff, great
place. Stephen King gave a shout out to GT and Zoe. And you're right
about independent works. I'd overlooked you because of all the
submissions.
Man of Fire will find a home if it hasn't already. I wonder do you
submit non eletronic?
http://www.duotrope.com/market_2185.aspx
Wind River
>
> These Challenges are great but if they drive out independant work, the group
> may ultimately suffer.
You're a prolific writer, Barry, so the challenges don't serve the
purpose of getting you to write. They do for a number of us, and I know
for me, I've taken many challenge stories out of the challenge
restraints afterwards and have expanded and polished them. I think they
serve a good purpose.
I wouldn't like it if the challenges eclipsed all other stories, but I
don't think that's happening. If everyone else thinks like you, we can
certainly stop them for awhile and see how the group does. There may be
fewer stories, but the critiques might be more in-depth. If people would
rather have the challenges run for two months instead of one, that's an
option as well. I'll put it in the hands of the group ...
These are the only ones we're currently committed to doing:
November -- Doc
December -- Alaric
January 2008 - Fedallah
Sue
Anopheles
"Wind River" wrote:.
I appreciate the length is the problem. We are all put off my long works
because there are other demands on time. It's made worse by my not criting
as much as I should. And I have the flu and I feel ratshit so I need to
whinge about anything I can.
I don't expect much from GlimmerTrain, but I won't give it away for free.
Ian
...
>
> Thanks for the encouragement, Ian. It was a good day, the day you popped in
> here.
I can think of a number of n/groups where some of the inmates
didn't exactly echo these words!
I'm delighted to have found this one though. Just what I needed to get
me started again, and at the right time.
--
Ian
Wind River
I hope you start feeling better soon. I'm going for a flu shot this
year. Last year, I caught it went into my lungs, and I was miserable.
It's no fun, so I sympathize with you.
> I don't expect much from GlimmerTrain, but I won't give it away for free.
GT is easy to submit to, they turn the stories around quickly, and there
are no reading fees. There's no reason not to try them. They pay well, too.
Sue
Anopheles
Whoa! I never said I wanted to stop, impede or modify the Challenges. When
something is running well, don't tinker.
Anopheles
"Wind River" wrote in message news:5mqetlF...@mid.individual.net...
Anopheles
I hardly ever submit anything.
Wind River
It just sounded like you wanted change ...
doc
Would that be The Normalisation of Norman? If so, I'll give it another go,
but I thought it was something between you and Alaric having a spat over
normal people being uninteresting.
>
> These Challenges are great but if they drive out independant work, the
> group may ultimately suffer.
Careful. That thinking was what caused the original schism in AFO: the fall
of the humans and the rise of the robots. Or vice-versa, depending on your
POV.
doc
Anopheles
"doc" wrote:
> "Anopheles" <hi...@coolcats.com.au> wrote:
>> "Wind River" wrote:
>> > Alaric wrote:
>> >
>> >>
>> >> "Anopheles" <hi...@coolcats.com.au> wrote in message
>> >> news:47069e35$0$31086$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au...
>> >>
>> >>>
>> >>> "Alaric" wrote
>> >>>
>> >>>> Great stuff. Always say you're a past guy rather than a future guy.
>> >>>> Your language, your dialogue drops easily in the then. That's it,
>> >>>> really, I suppose. Excellent piece.
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>> So, summing up, to which I would agree, I', past it?
>> >>>
>> >>> Really, thank you for the comments. They fill a current need.
>> >>>
>> >>> Anopheles
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>
>> >> If the implication there is even vaguely that you're doubting your
>> >> talents, then you need to be beaten up in a corner.
>> >
>> > Yeah, I'm the only one who is allowed self-doubt.
>> >
>>
>> Truth is I could do with more self-doubt. I just got a little down
>> because something I quite liked, posted in two versions, have been
>> overlooked apart from Alaric. Anyway, I made a third variation and
>> decided there was little point posting it so I submitted it to
>> GlimmerTrain. I should know in a month. It pays US$700.
>
> Would that be The Normalisation of Norman? If so, I'll give it another go,
> but I thought it was something between you and Alaric having a spat over
> normal people being uninteresting.
Yes, I can see how that arises and all my own stupid work through smartarse
comments. No, there was no spat and it was written as such. I did dtart out
examining an ordinary man but quickly found him interesting. It is long and
I was n the mood for whinging. We all get that way when we're ill. If you
do look at it (them) to save you time, if you like romantic endings choose
the Alaric version. If you like grotty bad arse endings with lots of
anghish, Version one. If you prefer a combination, bad luck. That's with
Glimmer Train. :-)
>>
>> These Challenges are great but if they drive out independant work, the
>> group may ultimately suffer.
>
> Careful. That thinking was what caused the original schism in AFO: the
> fall
> of the humans and the rise of the robots. Or vice-versa, depending on your
> POV.
Damn it and there I was thinking it was the afternoon teas.
Wind River
Ah, so it is the "Norman" story. I did get side-tracked by the
challenges, since I'm required to read them all this month. You know if
you ever want feedback for things you're considering submitting, you can
email them to me. Send them to the gmail address.
Sue
Anopheles
"Wind River" wrote:
Thanks, Sue.
Alaric
"Wind River" <wind_...@bellsouth.net> wrote in message
news:5mq7m9F...@mid.individual.net...
Knickers
(refer Brit dictionary)
Alaric
This last be true.
Alaric
>
> "Wind River" wrote:
>> Alaric wrote:
>>
>>>
>>> "Anopheles" <hi...@coolcats.com.au> wrote in message
>>> news:47069e35$0$31086$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au...
>>>
>>>>
>>>> "Alaric" wrote
>>>>
>>>>> Great stuff. Always say you're a past guy rather than a future guy.
>>>>> Your language, your dialogue drops easily in the then. That's it,
>>>>> really, I suppose. Excellent piece.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> So, summing up, to which I would agree, I', past it?
>>>>
>>>> Really, thank you for the comments. They fill a current need.
>>>>
>>>> Anopheles
>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>> If the implication there is even vaguely that you're doubting your
>>> talents, then you need to be beaten up in a corner.
>>
>> Yeah, I'm the only one who is allowed self-doubt.
>>
>
> Truth is I could do with more self-doubt. I just got a little down because
> something I quite liked, posted in two versions, have been overlooked
> apart from Alaric.
And then there's the rugby....
Anopheles
Possibly. But the problem doesn't lie with the Challenge. I don't know the
answer.
Anopheles
Not worn in the USA.
doc
> "doc" wrote:
> > "Anopheles" <hi...@coolcats.com.au> wrote:
> >
> > Would that be The Normalisation of Norman? If so, I'll give it another
> > go, but I thought it was something between you and Alaric having a spat
> > over normal people being uninteresting.
>
> Yes, I can see how that arises and all my own stupid work through
> smartarse comments. No, there was no spat and it was written as such. I
> did dtart out examining an ordinary man but quickly found him
> interesting. It is long and I was n the mood for whinging. We all get
> that way when we're ill. If you do look at it (them) to save you time,
> if you like romantic endings choose the Alaric version. If you like
> grotty bad arse endings with lots of anghish, Version one. If you prefer
> a combination, bad luck. That's with Glimmer Train. :-)
No, you're a good man, Barry, and a damn fine writer with a hell of a lot
more to say in your short efforts than most of us can tell in volumes.
You have a punch to your writing. Most of today's writers only wait.
Don't quit; we'll lose more than you ever will.
doc
Patrick
"Anopheles" <hi...@coolcats.net.au> wrote in message
news:4705f14c$0$11059$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au...
> Mothers Will Fuss
> Barry Aitchison
Hello, Barry, back again.
>
> Antonio leant back to cast a critical eye over the eager Lowlander.
> Albrecht
> Dürer allowed the appraisal without protest. He needed the del Pollaiolos.
> Outside a tempest whipped the canals to fury, but here in the del
> Pollaiolo
> residence, a roaring fire kept the Venetian chill at bay.
Great paragraph. Not sure what's going on, but it sets the mood nicely.
Well done.
> It was Piero who broke the silence. "What makes you think we'd do such a
> thing? It is against the law."
> "I completed my apprenticeship, sir. My eye, they say, is as good as
> anyone's.
Who's saying this? Antonio? Or Durer? In a scene with three or more
people, you have to make absolutely sure we know who's talking. And without
established characters(yet), I'm left a little confused. And was that the
end of his quote? Cause you forgot the quote mark.
> Your work displays what must only come from such an interest."
Again, not sure if this is someone else speaking or the same person. If
it's different, you forgot the beginning quote mark. If it's the same, move
that line up to join it's brother, thank you.
> "Who was she?" he whispered to the brothers as the dirt piled up around
> the
> grave.
Who whispered? Seriously, it might be my reading comprehenion that's at
fault, Barry, but I've read this through once already, and am still getting
confused over the names. Then, you make it worse by not being consistent
with either Albrecht or Durer, and I have to keep referring back to the
beginning to see who is who, and without proper relationships established
from the get go, and with pronoun issues, I am getting lost quickly. Again,
it might just be me, since nobody else mentioned it.
> "What concern is it for you? She's a suicide. At least she's buried in
> holy
> ground. It was a concession to an important family"
Forgot the period.
> "Well, what now?" asked Albrecht nervously.
> "Continue as planned," said Antonio.
> Above them a strange mist was settling, but they failed to notice.
If they failed to notice it, then it never happened.
> The brothers slipped the corpse from the casket and placed it on the top
> of
> the lid.
Delete "the" before "top"
> Dürer shuddered as the walls of flesh parted like the Red Sea, but no
> blood
> welled. The incision ran the length of the girl's thigh, exposing both
> muscle and bone structure. The three began hastily sketching.
Confusing, Barry. I don't know why they are doing this. I've read your
comment below that pretty much stated or implied that a writer doesn't have
to fill his readers in anything, that they can go look something up if they
feel inclined and then grow from it. Excuse me, but that's just silly. A
story needs to support itself. You need to explain why they are sketching
the insides of a woman, or you risk losing your readers. You don't have to
explain the whole process, just their motivation for digging a corpse up and
desecrating it. Then, if a reader wants to learn MORE about this process,
then they can go look it up. That's how they grow, not by making them so
utterly confused in the story, that they never make a trip to the library in
the first place.
> The brothers looked at each other. "You saw Grazia's mother?"Antonio
> asked.
> Albrecht Dürer smiled. "What is wrong with you two grave-robbers? You seem
> more frightened of the living than of the dead. The woman is real, is she
> not?"
> "Certainly," said Piero. "We just left her in the crypt. Dead as all the
> emperors of Roma."
Why did they kill the mother?
> "Can't you see, you dumb Dutchman?" came Antonio's gruff voice. "You said
> you spoke with her and she was nice or something like that. Good God, look
> at her. A spectre! A ghoul! She hangs in the air, teeth like a carnivore,
> finger nails yellow with age and long as your arm. And that moaning! You
> must hear that moaning! Are you deaf?"
I know you need a way to get this information across to Durer who can't see
the ghost, but realistically speaking, no one is going to describe a ghost
in detail just like you did. It didn't ring true to me.
Go back
> to hell/"
Typo.
> For a second or two the apparition made itself visible to Albrecht. He
> wished it hadn't. The green flesh was rotting off the skeleton, leaving a
> ghoulish smile that was unintended.
This would have been a GREAT place to have that description.
The moan was more than sound, it was
> acid, poison, it was death in a sound wave.
LOVE that last line. In fact, I love it so much, I wish I had written it.
> "Come, you two chicken-hearted Venetians," said Albrecht. "She has given
> you
> a reprieve, but a warning, too. You must remember the face of Grazia and
> you
> must put her in your works. Do this and the spectre will not return.
> Forget
> it and it will find you."
Kind of ends abruptly for my taste.
Not my favorite story of yours, Barry, sorry. The good news is that I think
you have something here, and it's a good take on the challenge. It still
needs polished, imo, made more clear, but what do I know?
Take care.
Anopheles
"Patrick" wrote
As someone pretty intelligent said recently, you can't please everybody.
This is a favourite of mine but now two people have had difficulty with it.
You've found some errors that I thank you for and some suggestions are worth
looking at.
As to the rest, I'll rumitate on it for awhile.
Thanks, Par.
Shuggie
Hi Barry,
Not a bad story. I liked the setting and the atmosphere. The only thing
I'm not sure about is why the ghost appeared as a woman to Durer and a
horrible spectre to the del Pollaiolos. When she first appears he's
alone with the unearthed, slightly mutilated body of her daughter right?
This apparently does not anger her but the brothers' presence in the
crypt does?
By the way, it appeared in my news reader without much white space,
lines between paragraphs etc. Was that intended?
Cheers
--
Shuggie
Anopheles
"Shuggie" wrote:
> Anopheles <hi...@coolcats.net.au> wrote:
>> Mothers Will Fuss
>> Barry Aitchison
>>
>
> Hi Barry,
Hi, Shruggie, welcome back
> Not a bad story. I liked the setting and the atmosphere. The only thing
> I'm not sure about is why the ghost appeared as a woman to Durer and a
> horrible spectre to the del Pollaiolos. When she first appears he's
> alone with the unearthed, slightly mutilated body of her daughter right?
> This apparently does not anger her but the brothers' presence in the
> crypt does?
This is an event open to interpretation. My own is that Durer showed his
good heart to the ghost of the woman via the cat and she responded knowing
that the real grave difilers were the Venetians who went there regularly.
She appeared to them as the spectre to punsih them.
I'm no expert on ghosts but I believe it is not unusual for them to have
more than one way to make themselves visible.
>
> By the way, it appeared in my news reader without much white space,
> lines between paragraphs etc. Was that intended?
Not intended, Shruggie, but I can't really recall how I posted it.
Thanks for reading.
Anopheles