Top Pilots, Round 2!
Don Lowe
I think it is time to make another list. I took all replies into
consideration and compiled a revised list, which is now being condensed into
the top a list. Here you go:
10. Paploo
Ewok who successfully evaded Imperial biker scouts. Not bad for a
little fuzzball!
9. Dak Ralter
Tried to take on the Empire all by himself ... and lost.
8. Lando Calrissian
Took the "How to be a general in less than a year" crash course in
between ESB and ROJ.
7. DS-61-4
Almost killed a certain farmboy over the Death Star. Imagine what would
have happened if the Great One hadn't intervened ...
6. DS-61-3
Steered his TIE Fighter right into Vader's Custom TIE, again allowing a
certain X-wing to live.
5. R2-D2
You gotta admire the little blue guy's bravery in flying in Luke's
X-wing.
4. Yoda
Y-O-D-A YO-ho-da! Actually, I don't know why, but doesn't Yoda behind
the controls of a starfighter just sound cool to you? Mmmm, yes. Destroy
everything, I will.
3. Lt. Kettch
The best darn Ewok pilot EVER!
2. Garven Dreis, Red Leader
"Almost there ..."
and the number one pilot is ...
D
R
U
M
R
O
L
L
.........................
1. Jek "Tono" "Piggy" Porkins
Why? WHY? Because HE, like the list itself, is just a big joke!
C'Pi
Josh Cochran
> <snip>
>
> Troll.
Only if that was alt.fan.porkins, or alt.fan.dead.fatass.pilots. :)
C'Pi
"Josh Cochran" <jo...@swfanfic.com> wrote in message
news:jcKl8.25413$4I.24...@bin4.nnrp.aus1.giganews.com...
> "C'Pi" <jas...@yahoo.com> wrote
> > <snip>
> >
> > Troll.
>
> Only if that was alt.fan.porkins, or alt.fan.dead.fatass.pilots. :)
Troll.
C'Pi
Josh Nolan
Josh Cochran wrote:
> "C'Pi" <jas...@yahoo.com> wrote
> > <snip>
> >
> > Troll.
>
> Only if that was alt.fan.porkins, or alt.fan.dead.fatass.pilots. :)
alt.deathstar.steer.steer.steer?
Josh. The other one.
--
There's a pomegranate up your blurter.
- T.I.S.M.
Josh Cochran
> > > Troll.
> >
> > Only if that was alt.fan.porkins, or alt.fan.dead.fatass.pilots. :)
>
Hmmm... Porkins does kinda resemble a steer. :)
Princess Buttercup's Castle of Mayhem
ROTFLMAOASSOOMN!
That is so right. You have earned a much-useless Princess brownie point
or whatever I call them. I'm going senile and can't remember what the
things are called. They're wonderful as trash compactor cleaners.
PB
Princess Buttercup's Castle of Mayhem
news:jcKl8.25413$4I.24...@bin4.nnrp.aus1.giganews.com...
> > <snip>
> >
> > Troll.
>
> Only if that was alt.fan.porkins, or alt.fan.dead.fatass.pilots. :)
::snort::
Very true.
PB
Muuurgh
swishing gracefully around his rotund waist like vodka in a martini glass.
The Mighty Porkins faced his corner, mouthpiece pressed firmly in his gum.
"Hey champ, they say HE'S the greatest. He's the best fighter pilot of all
time." Cosell taunted the focused, sweaty mass of power.
"I'm not the greatest; I'm the double greatest. Not only will I knock 'em
out, I pick the round." Porkins retorted holding up one finger (I won't say
which one). "I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on."
"They say you died cause you were choking on a sandwich, just like Momma
Cass." Cosell continued.
Jade, C'Pi, Gumby, Nesha and Muuurgh were chanting on the rope. "Float like
a butterfly, sting like a bee. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee."
Porkins was rolling to his right and to his left, buffeting the air. "I can
drown a drink of water! I can kill a dead tree!"
*Ding*Ding*
With a flash Porkins turned on his right heel. He met the ref and his
scrawny opponent in the center of the ring.
"I want a fair fight." said Mills "No hitting below the belt. Let's get it
on!"
*DING*
"I don't wanna fight." Wedge protested
"What's my name, fool? What's my name?" Porkins speedily drew taunting
circles around his opponent.
"This isn't fair. You out weigh me by 250 pounds." Wedge said
"Looks more like 350 pounds. Bring it on fool!" Porkins threw a quick,
light jab into the tiny gut of Wedge.
"Bluuaghhhhhh!!!!!" Wedges afternoon meal came spewing out of his mouth.
"I never said I was the greatest, it's these fools at alt.fan.wedge.
They're the ones who said it." A tiny trickle of liquid dripped down wedges
left leg over is shoe and onto the mat.
"We've got something to settle here. I AM THE GREATEST!!!" Jek Bellowed as
he turned to see the crowd roaring and swaying like a massive, heaving wild
beast.
"You are unwise to lower your defenses!" Wedge yelled as he broke a chair
over Porkins back.
Porkins turned to see the source of the high-pitched voice that just
screamed at him. He hoped it might have been a little girl in the front
row. But alas it was as he feared, Wedge stood there knocking his knees.
Holding the remains of a wooden chair in his hands. "This is really
embarrassing, you know that Wedge?" Jek said trying to encourage Wedge, as
he would normally have to do. "This isn't the Academy anymore. Act like a
Man."
Porkins threw a couple more quick and light jabs in the thin air. "You
don't want any of this do you?" His fists pummeled the air, faster and
faster, just a blur before Wedge's wide-open eyes. Wedge's jaw was dropped
wide open, his mouthpiece fell straight out onto the floor. "I. I. I never
seen anything like that before..." Wedge continued to drool at the awesome
agility and speed of his rival. Porkins was dancing around Wedge in such a
quick and fluid fashion that smoke had begun to rise where his feet had left
the mat. Wedge couldn't believe what he saw. Porkins was racing in circles
around him. Before Wedge knew it the smoke had become flames, and the flames
a burning inferno surrounding him on all sides, encompassing him ..
trapped... he began to loosen his imaginary collar ... can't breathe *cough*
.. can't see ... *wheeze* his eyes filled with tears as the smoke burned
them. .. dropping to his knees Wedge thought he too could hear the welcoming
voices of Yoda and Obi-Wan...
"Wedge. Wedge?" a slow voice entered into his conscience
He awoke with a start. His bed was covered in sweat and (well I won't tell
if you won't) pee.
"I. .I.." He tried to stop his teeth from chattering.
"Had a bad dream?" The voice came into focus. Wedge looked up at the
comforting voice that belonged to the hand that blotted the sweat from his
brow.
William Hootkins stood over him grinning. "What did you expect, a Twi'lek?"
"Wahahahahaha!" Wedge just covered his head with his dirty sheets and
shakily cried for the rest of the night.
THE END
-Muuurgh
Princess Buttercup's Castle of Mayhem
news:a793f9$jhsf5$1...@ID-104752.news.dfncis.de...
[snip]
You seem to have a lot of time on your hands. Oh well, it's either this
or the good ol' Frodo-reading-alone-in-the-forest trick. ::sigh::
PB
LBD_Wedge
are the ones that live
porkins didn't
Hot Pants and Cold ham
"LBD_Wedge" <we...@tiefighter.org> wrote in message
news:ud2m8.11086$OZ3.1...@news6-win.server.ntlworld.com...
> the best pilots / soldiers / whatever....
>
> are the ones that live
>
>
> porkins didn't
Or the ones that fooled you into thinking they died.
Jade
--
All hail the mighty Porkins!
Hot Pants and Cold ham
"Princess Buttercup's Castle of Mayhem" <pee...@NOSPAMhotmail.com> wrote in
message news:a792mb$10u$1...@bob.news.rcn.net...
Traitor.
Jade
--
No more lard for you...
C'Pi
"LBD_Wedge" <we...@tiefighter.org> wrote in message
news:ud2m8.11086$OZ3.1...@news6-win.server.ntlworld.com...
>
> are the ones that live
>
>
> porkins didn't
Porkins lives on in the belly of all true believers.
C'Pi
Princess Buttercup's Castle of Mayhem
news:fE2m8.19611$bj1.8...@news02.optonline.net...
I'm no traitor.
>
> Jade
> --
> No more lard for you...
I don't need any. I do believe you may need all you can get just to
avoid burn marks in places where the sun don't shine.
PB
ObeeKris
> That is so right. You have earned a much-useless Princess brownie point
> or whatever I call them. I'm going senile and can't remember what the
> things are called. They're wonderful as trash compactor cleaners.
>
> PB
It's a Princess Point (tm) if I recall correctly. Also useful as a
sock drawer freshener.
ObeeKris
Proud owner of one.
Princess Buttercup's Castle of Mayhem
news:22f6e2db.02032...@posting.google.com...
Thank you! Methinks I ought to keep track of these things, eh.
>
> ObeeKris
> Proud owner of one.
Your socks smelling as fresh as ever I hope.
PB
Doc
Porkins groggily wondered why C'Pi was standing on the wall.
"mmhhrrmmp?"
"It's all gonna be fine now the medics are on the way."
"Comin' through, medics comin' through, oh my TAWG Shel, better bring
the super reinforced stretcher for this one... no, better not risk
it... ask PK to call the fire brigade we're gonna need an airlift.
What on earth happened here?"
"We-ell, you've heard about that Wedge/Porkins match?"
"Say no more. Call the operating theatre, have them standing by with
20 units of rancid lard."
"Is he going to be all right? I mean I tried not to hurt him but I
guess I mis-judged and..." Wedge seemed genuinely upset.
"He'll be fine! I mean he's dead anyway, we're just moving him out of
the way to prevent a traffic obstruction and make way for your next
match."
"Another one?!"
"C'mon, Commander Antilles, after conquering *that* lard-mountain
Darth Vader shouldn't be any problem at all...."
The End
I love Porkins as much as... actually I don't. I mean I have nothing
against the guy, y'know? But face it, he's just another dead pilot!
Porkins is *dead*. Vote Wedge!
Doc
Because lard is bad for you. I mean *really* REALLY bad.
Muuurgh
"Doc" <kimberle...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:81fd63f3.02032...@posting.google.com...
Very nicely done.
-Muuurgh
Lard is good for the belly.
Doc
<snip!>
>Very nicely done.
>
Why thank you! But don't you think you asked for it? :)
-Doc
I love a feline who's gracious in defeat!