Sailor Moon S(tupid) Part 3
Steve and good ol' Bob Dole
Sailor Moon Stupid
Episode #3
by Kevin Bruner
********************************
Preliminary Note: No real harm is intended by the situations imposed on
real people in here. It's suitable for people capable of determining
that it is a JOKE.
***********************************************************************
Email me at:
kbr...@freenet.tlh.fl.us
************************************************************[NINKU ends]
TV ASAHI ANNOUNCER
And now, stay tuned for a very SPECIAL episode of Ninku...
WHINY KIDS
Nooooooooo!!!! We wanna watch Sailor Moon!
TV ASAHI ANNOUNCER
All right, we can put on an idiotic episode of Sailor Moon for you
wretched
little snot-nosed brats. I hope Bandai eats your souls! [grumble,
mutter]
WHINY KIDS
Yayyyyyyyyy!
[OP]
[Fade in: HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA, and HOTARU (age 12) are standing
in front of the Three Bill's hideout.]
MICHIRU
The seas are angry.
HARUKA
The winds are also angry.
SETSUNA
And so are the fans. Henshin before they change the channel.
HARUKA [sweatdropping]
Um... right.
[HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA, and HOTARU produce their henshin rods, then
raise them... then the most awesome music in the history of animated
transformation scenes plays ^_^]
HARUKA
Uranus Planet Power, Make Up!
MICHIRU
Neptune Planet Power, Make Up!
SETSUNA
Pluto Planet Power, Make Up!
HOTARU
Yet to be named Saturn henshin phrase, Make Up!
[HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA, and HOTARU are transformed into their
buttkicking OUTER SENSHI forms. The audience erupts into cheers,
and Bandai's CEO's eyes turn to yen signs and make a "cha-ching" noise]
SAILOR URANUS
Minna... time to kick some ass!
[the OUTERS rush into the building and prepare for combat]
[Ep title: "Bill Gates' Evil Plan! Sailor Senshi Need a Life!"]
[meanwhile, at the Three Bills' Secret Lair]
BANDAI
So, tell us, Gates... what is this fantastic plan of yours?
GATES
Well, as you know, computers are so easy to use nowadays that a mere
IMBECILE could use one.
[GATES looks at CLINTON, who has about 12 popsicles stuffed in his
mouth]
GATES
With a few exceptions, of course... now, in any case... what do you
think would happen if we made computers so pointlessly complicated with
a shoddy operating system so pathetic, it confused people for hours? And
what would happen if this operating system was installed on the biggest
server in the world... the one CONTROLLING the world!
BANDAI
I *like* this, Gates... what have you got?
GATES
Gentlemen, I'd like to unveil... YGGDRASSIL '95!
[GATES holds up a box in a blue sky/cloud cover with text that reads
"YGGDRASSIL '95" and the slogan "Start it Up!" (which has in fine print
"and watch it crash")]
BANDAI
Excellent, EXCELLENT! With my evil marketing powers, I'll have it
installed in no time!
GATES and BANDAI
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
CLINTON
Hey, look ya'll! I spelled my name with popsicle sticks!
GATES
Yeeeeeeeeeah.
BANDAI
Ooooooooooookay.
[Meanwhile, the INNER SENSHI plod deeper into the base... but strangely
enough, they come out in a poorly drawn animated town]
SAILOR MARS
Where the heck are we now?
[Suddenly, something CRUNCHES under SAILOR JUPITER'S boot]
SAILOR JUPITER
Ewww, I stepped in something... purple?
[JUPITER lifts her foot, and a purple cat picks itself up and several
bones snap back into place]
SAILOR MOON
Waiwai! Neko!
[The purple cat is glomped by SAILOR MOON, until the cat says,
"OW! Hey, hee hee, stop that!"]
[SAILOR MOON drops the cat, dumbstruck]
SAILOR MOON
Neko... can talk! WAI! Whoever heard of something like that?
EEK THE CAT
Um, hi! My name's Eek the Cat! This is McTropolis! What are your names?
[SAILOR MOON starts to go into the POSE...]
SAILOR MOON
Ai to seigino, sailor fuku bishoujo senshi... SAILOR MOON!
Tsuki ni kawatte... oshiokiyo!
[NINJA NINNIES walk by]
NINJA #1
Three...
NINJA #2
We're still going...
EEK THE CAT
Gee, Sailor Moon, why are you and your friends here?
SAILOR MOON
We're looking for some evil badguys! Have you seen any?
EEK THE CAT
Well, gee, no... but if I do, I'll tell you.
SAILOR MOON
Would you like to help us find our way out of here?
EEK THE CAT
Sure, it never hurts to help!
SAILOR MARS
Wrong, I can name many occasions where it hurt quite SUBSTANTIALLY...
SAILOR VENUS
Shuddup, Mars, it's better than asking a cab driver.
EEK THE CAT
Wanna see a picture of my girlfriend Annabelle?
SAILOR MOON
Uh... sure!
[EEK pulls out a fold-out picture of an enormously fat pink cat]
SAILOR MOON
Um... gee, Eek... she's really... FAT.
[pause]
EEK THE CAT
Really?
SAILOR MOON
Yeah. Wanna see a picture of my boyfriend?
EEK THE CAT
Kum bah yah! I'd love to see your dearest one! The one that means the
most to you! Your pride and joy, your heart and soul, your really nifty
guy, your Mr. Lover Man, your Mr. Boombastic, your...
[SAILOR MOON pulls out a picture of MAMORU]
SAILOR MOON [beaming]
See? Isn't he cute?
EEK THE CAT
Um... gee, Sailor Moon... he's really... DORKY LOOKING.
[SAILOR MOON sweatdrops, and squints at the picture]
SAILOR MOON
Really?
[MARS, JUPITER, VENUS, and MERCURY are falling down laughing in the
background. SAILOR MOON gets a big sweatdrop on the back of her head]
[meanwhile, in Yggdrassil]
[SKULD chases around a bug, eventually squishing it with a mallet]
SKULD
Ha! Got you, you dirty little bastard!
[a little white doorway opens, and BELLDANDY steps into the computer
world]
BELLDANDY
Hi imoutochan!
SKULD
Oneechan! Where's Urd-oneesan?
BELLDANDY
Um, I think she's having breast reduction surgery.
SKULD
Eh?
BELLDANDY
Yeah, someone explained that little thing called "gravity" to her.
SKULD
Ouch. I know what you mean.
BELLDANDY
But look, Keiichi-kun got you a present!
SKULD
A present? For me? Is it ice cream?
BELLDANDY
No, we don't want you to SPAZZ on us. It's something for the computer.
[BELLDANDY passes a copy of Yggdrassil '95 to SKULD]
SKULD [reading]
Yggdrassil '95... by Microsoft... oneechan, what does "fubar" mean?
BELLDANDY
Don't ask me... I never did get used to mortal slang.
SKULD
Oh well... I guess I could install it. It says it has "convenient
uninstall feature". What do I have to lose?
[SKULD opens a portal and shoves the software into it, and lightning
strikes everywhere as Yggdrassil is recreated]
SKULD
I have a feeling I shouldn't have done that.
BELLDANDY
It's okay, imoutochan... let's just hit this "START" button...
[BELLDANDY kicks a box that reads "START" and suddenly, a dialogue
box pops up that reads "GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT"]
SKULD
GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT?! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
[Suddenly, a swarm of bugs runs through.]
SKULD
AHHHHHHH! BUGS!!!!!! Quick, where's that uninstall?
BELLDANDY
I think the server's locked up!
SKULD
Oh crap!! We have to reboot, then reinstall the OLD software...
where the hell did I put that Solaris backup?!
[meanwhile, in McTropolis, outside a convenience store, the SENSHI have
all bought 32 oz Big Gulps of Pepsi (never leave home without it)]
SAILOR MOON
So, where is McTropolis?
EEK THE CAT
Why, it's in Canada, of course! In the good old province of Ontario,
land of badgers, and trees, and nifty things!
SAILOR MERCURY
I'm sorry, did you say Ontario? As in Ottawa, Ontario?
EEK THE CAT
Um, yeah...
[Suddenly, the Pepsi in the cups ripples... something very big,
or very numerous is heading this way]
SAILOR VENUS
What... was that?
[BOOM]
SAILOR MARS
It's getting closer...!
[BOOM]
[EEK suddenly screams, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" and
runs off with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and eyes bugged out]
[BOOM]
SAILOR MOON
Eeeeeeh... minna, I have a very bad feeling about this.
GEORGE LUCAS' LAWYER
I'm sorry, you'll have to change that last line, or we'll have to sue
you.
SAILOR MOON
Oh, gomen. Ahem... minna, I think we're in trouble now...
[And suddenly, over the horizon comes a battalion of screaming,
drooling kids heading right for the SAILOR SENSHI]
KIDS
SAILOR SCOUTS!! COOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
SAILOR JUPITER
Sailor what?
SAILOR MERCURY
Scouts, I think. My Japanese to Annoying Snotnosed Brat translations
aren't quite what they should be.
SAILOR VENUS
We're scouting for something?
SAILOR MARS
Yeah... like the PLOT.
SAILOR MOON
Shut up, Rei-chan!
SAILOR MARS
I'm not taking orders from you, you self-centered little blonde
rabbit-haired dirt-eating tuxedo-kissing cat-slapping English-flunking
pocky-sucking obentou-inhaling dojinshi-reading little bitch windbag
ninny of a twit!
SAILOR VENUS
MINNA, MINNA! Keep it down... look!
ANNOYING GUY
Hey, we're the Ottawa Sailor Moon Club!
SAILOR JUPITER
The... who?!
ANNOYING GUY
The Ottawa Sailor Moon Club! We love the Sailor Scouts!
SAILOR MERCURY
There's that word again...
ANNOYING GUY
We've watched every episode of Sailor Moon and we know everything about
it!
For example... did you know that the Three Talismans also correspond to
an
ancient Japanese legend about three mystical artifacts from heaven
created
by the Sun Goddess...
SAILOR MOON [turns to the camera]
Is this you? Well, if so, thanks to a joint effort with Warner Brothers,
we have extended the "Please, Please, PLEASE Get a Life Foundation" to
ANIME OTAKU as well. Just look at how we can help these people.
ANNOYING GUY
... and then Sailor Sol, who was in that great fanfic Sailor Moon Ace...
is like an analogy to Amaterasu, the ancient Japanese Sun Goddess... WHO
BROUGHT THE TALISMANS TO EARTH! It all ties in! Creepy, isn't it? Well,
I
think Ace would be better if...
[SAILOR MOON motions in AKANE, who takes a gigantic anime mallet and
flattens ANNOYING GUY into the ground]
ANNOYING GUY'S GIRLFRIEND (actually, we seriously DOUBT the validity of
this)
Yeah, Sailor Moon Ace! I've made Asahi my GODDESS, man! I receive divine
messages from her, and I worship the sun and stuff! And I'm changing my
name to Asahi, because it's SOOOOOOOO cool... and I'm gonna...
[SAILOR MOON leads in SON GOKUU who kame-hame-ha's the ANNOYING GUY'S
GIRLFRIEND into the Pacific Ocean]
SAILOR MOON
So, sign up an otaku for the "Please, Please, Please Get a Life
Foundation".
We're not just for Animaniacs fans anymore.
[The ANNOYING KIDS continue to attack when suddenly... a strange redhead
in a strange outfit and a mysterious dark-haired girl in a similar
outfit
appear. They both have glowing marks on their foreheads...]
REDHEAD
Hey, it's the Ottawa Sailor Moon Club rejects!
DARK-HAIRED GIRL
Yeah, it sure is! I guess we should put them out of their lifeless
misery...
[In one fell swoop, the two girls lay waste to the ANNOYING KIDS,
then leap into the air and are obscured by the sunlight as they fly
away on wings of light...]
SAILOR VENUS
Who... was that?
SAILOR MARS
Competing American shoujo shows, and I have the feeling they're going
to be cooler than us!
SAILOR SENSHI
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh!!!
[commercial break]
*****************************************************************************
[LUNA is crushed under the hiragana for...]
ANNOYING KIDS (singing)
Baka-yo-shi!
SCARY NAKAYOSHI GUY (brandishing gun, talking in Jack Nicholson voice)
Hai minna, it's the Nakayoshi guy... now listen here, Charlie... either
you get down here and buy some Sailor Moon stuff, or I'm gonna execute
every (expletive bleeped out) last one of you. You think I'm kiddin',
dontcha Charlie? Well, I have here in my studio the Olson Twins, and
we're not gonna let 'em get out of here alive until you buy some stuff!
Got that, jack? Heh? Heh? AH HA HA HA HA!
*****************************************************************************
[back from commercial]
[fade in to a large atrium inside the Thee Bill's Hideout, where the
Outer Senshi are making their way through semi-silently]
SAILOR URANUS
... and then I told her, "Have you ever seen The Crying Game?"
SAILOR PLUTO
Neptune, please shut her up, we've only heard this story about five
million times. And we're only going to hear it about five million more.
[SAILOR NEPTUNE takes the Deep Aqua Mirror and clongs URANUS in the
head with it]
SAILOR URANUS
Oi!
SAILOR NEPTUNE
Sorry, you were rambling...
[suddenly, BILL GATES steps out of a portal]
SAILOR PLUTO
Masaka!
SAILOR SATURN
Magnavox!
[Everyone sweatdrops at SATURN]
SAILOR URANUS
Not smart. NOT very smart. Just be quiet, you had a few token lines in
S,
then you couldn't speak.
SAILOR SATURN [chastised]
Hai.
BILL GATES
Well, well, well. If it isn't the Outer Senshi! I've got good news for
you.
Now that those stupid Goddesses have installed my computer program, I
can
do anything I want! You didn't know the slogan was "Where Do *I* Want to
Go Today?" did you?
SAILOR NEPTUNE [smirking]
I thought it was "Who Do You Want to Blow Today?"
SAILOR URANUS
Ooh. Brutal.
BILL GATES
You're... MOCKING me, aren't you? You Senshi think you're so smart!
Well, I have some Senshi of my own to introduce you to!
Allow me to introduce...
[a door opens with several fuku-clad freaks standing in it]
BILL GATES
... the STATE SENSHI!
SAILOR WISCONSIN
Representing the power of our Dairy Air [kids, ask your parents,
if you don't get it], I am the Cheesy Senshi, Sailor Wisconsin!
SAILOR NEW JERSEY
Oi, jerky! Sailor New Jersey over here!
SAILOR TEXAS
Yee-haw, ya'll! Sailor Texas is gonna whoop ya'lls asses!
SAILOR FLORIDA
I duwanna talk to you! I'm Sailor Florida, and I'm supposed to be in
retirement. Where's my Social Security, ya bums?
SAILOR URANUS
This is ridiculous.
SAILOR NEPTUNE
Well, they could have sent politically correct Senshi after us.
Be thankful these are all stereotypical.
BILL GATES
DESTROY THEM!
SAILOR URANUS
Pluto, can you do anything?
SAILOR PLUTO [thinking]
I have an idea...
[SAILOR PLUTO points suddenly behind the STATE SENSHI]
SAILOR PLUTO
Look! The Three Lights in concert!
[The STATE SENSHI turn and look.]
SAILOR URANUS
Hightail it, minna!
[the OUTERS begin to run... then stop]
SAILOR NEPTUNE
Wait a second... why are we running?
SAILOR URANUS
Good question. We never run from a real fight...
SAILOR NEPTUNE
Don't you even START.
SAILOR SATURN
Don't quote the DIC version, or we're gonna smack you. You think I
messed you up in Lunatic Party, you ain't seen NOTHING yet.
SAILOR URANUS
Ehehe! Sorry.
[URANUS spins around and goes into her awesome animation...]
SAILOR URANUS
World-o... Shaking!
SAILOR NEW JERSEY
Geez, what's with the "doh"? Ain't ya never spoke proper English over
here? Ya sound like freakin' Homer Simpson. Worldo Shaking... heh...
[unfortunately, SAILOR NEW JERKY... er... JERSEY... talks for too long.
The attack slams into her, shattering her into hundreds of pieces]
SAILOR NEPTUNE
Deep... Submerge-i!
[the ringed blue ball of water slams into SAILOR TEXAS, who
disintegrates]
SAILOR PLUTO [whispering]
Dead-o... Scream!
SAILOR FLORIDA
Eh..? Speak up! I can't hear you? Eh? Eh? Speak up! Oh. Never mind.
[FLORIDA doesn't hear the Dead Scream coming, and is wiped out by it]
SAILOR SATURN
Death Ribbon... Revolution!
SAILOR WISCONSIN
Oh no you don't! Wisconsin CHEESE BLAST!
[the two attacks meet in the center, but SAILOR SATURN's is much
stronger,
and SAILOR WISCONSIN is destroyed]
SAILOR URANUS
Well done, Outer Senshi. Through our powers of bad English
pronunciation,
we have successfully triumphed over mediocrity!
NEPTUNE, PLUTO and SATURN [unenthusiastically]
Yay.
BILL GATES
So, you defeated my State Senshi! You win this time, Outer Senshi,
but next time you won't be so lucky!
SAILOR PLUTO
You're the one who's never going to get lucky.
BILL GATES
Oh, so you think you're funny, eh? Well! We'll see who has the last
laugh!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
[BILL GATES turns to run, misses the door, and smashes into the wall.
The OUTER SENSHI just GRIN]
BILL GATES
I'll get you next time, Gadget! I mean... Outers! Next time!
[BILL GATES runs away]
SAILOR URANUS
Minna... let's follow him...
[PLUTO and NEPTUNE nod. The Outers chase in the direction BILL GATES
ran.
SAILOR SATURN has now reverted to a one and a half year old baby and
crawls along behind them, brandishing her deadly Silence Rattle]
[Meanwhile, back at the Not So Secret Hideout of the THREE BILLS]
BANDAI
Gates, you idiot, you let them defeat you!
GATES
I didn't LET them defeat me! It was all part of my master plan!
You know the saying... it's not a bug, it's a FEATURE!
BANDAI
You'd better have a good plan, because those Goddesses just
reinstalled their old operating system on the universe.
GATES
I think it's time to call in an old favor...
CLINTON
You don't mean... *gasp*... no... not THEM...
GATES
Yes. THEM.
BANDAI
Are you sure that's wise?
GATES
It's the only option we have left. Summon the BAD FANFIC WRITERS.
[jarring chord]
[fade out - credits]
USAGI
Next time on Sailor Moon Stupid! The Three Bills bring in their most
deadly creation yet... will all nine Senshi together be enough to stop
the attack of the bad fanfic writers? If you don't know the answer to
that, you're probably a pessimist and need to see a psychiatrist.
Really. He can prescribe those little yellow pills for you. They help,
a lot. Minako-chan had to take them.
MINAKO
Shut up, Usagi! I told you not to tell about that!
USAGI
Oh! Right, sorry! Ehehehehe! Anyway, don't miss the next episode of
Sailor Moon Stupid!
[SLAM DUNK comes on]
AKAGI
Hi, I'm a wannabe Michael Jordan from Japan, and even though I look like
I'm 22, I'm only 17 and in high school...
[CLICK]
_____________________________________________________________________
Steve Allen Richards | Things you don't hear every day #29
<cawdor (at) sgi (dot) net> | "Nevermind, I *found* my virginity."
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