[I] [AFPanto] Part III, The Used Cow Lot
Aquarion
[When we last saw Jack, he was taking Hilda to the Used Cow Lot]
"Good morning Mr Geekay sir, and how can I help you?"
Pettitt's Used Cow Lot was a masterpiece of salesmanship, and a
homage to dodgy cow dealers everywhere. From the huge forecourt
packed so full of cows that you couldn't belive you could get
one out without radical surgery, to the absolutely pathetic
bunting flying from the poles high above Jack's head. Across the
building in the centre of the lot is a gigantic flashing sign
reading "MP'S PREOWNED COWS! SATISFACTION GUARANTEED OR YOU
WON'T COME BACK!!"
MP himself was standing outside the building, with a large cigar
in his mouth but, with a concession to the modern world, it
Wasn't lit. He was wearing a bright purple checked jacket, and Jack
was so blinded he nearly missed the fact that when MP moves his
arms - which he does lots - the checks stay precisely square...
"You buying? I've got this new supersleek Bovine2000 here,
faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive,
just keep it out of phone booths. Or maybe you are looking for
more of a family cow, Jack my son, The Shallow-Bit-Of-River
Kough? Small, yet yields more than 30 gallons per square mile."
Jack knew better than to let MP launch into his full monologue:
"I'm selling, MP"
"You can't be selling MP. *I*'m MP!"
"No, I'm selling Hilda, Our cow"
"Aha! A salesman, well, if you're selling, I'm buying. Lets have
a look at her... By The Lady, Jack? You really expect me to buy
this thing... Look at the teeth!"
"I can't, the mouth doesn't open"
"Exactly, and look at the size of the thing! It's bloated with
hunger. You could fit two humans in that!"
"Odd that."
There was a long pause.
Finally, MP broke the silence:
"Look Jack, I know your family, so I'll be honest. There is no
way I could ever sell that mangy rug for any money at all. I
couldn't *give* it away"
"But Hilda does tricks!"
"What?"
"Watch" said Jack, and walked over to Hilda.
Jack lifted up Hilda's tail, and dropped it. Hilda said "Moo"
and a hand extended from below her stomach, and placed a full
bottle of milk on the ground.
"Wow" said MP. "Can I give it a go?"
"Sure" said Jack.
MP lifted up Hilda's tail, and dropped it. Hilda said "Moo" and
a hand extended from below her stomach, and placed a second
bottle of milk on the ground.
"Watch this" said Jack, and lifted up the tail half way. Again,
he dropped it.
Hilda's hand emerged again, and placed another bottle beside the
first two, This one had a red top instead of the other two's
silver.
"What?" said MP
"Semi-skimmed" replied Jack.
"Okay Jack, that's real neat." said MP, "But I still can't sell
the beast. I tell you what I'll do though, I just got hold of
these Bean things, and I don't have anywhere to plant them. I'll
swap you them for the Cow. Deal?"
Jack didn't see much choice, and did the deal. It was a long
walk home, and his mum was not desperately pleased to see him
home with Beans...
[Wow! Jack has beans! Will Aquarion make it the whole way though the
story without a single fart joke?
Will Aquarion make it all the way though the story?
Does it matter?
And even if it matters, does it matter that it matters?
Maybe I should just stay here and go Zootle-Wordle.
Zootle-Wordle, Zootle Wordle.
Will Aquarion stop going Zootle Wordle before tomorrow?
Find out, in the next exciting episode of,
AFP! The Panto!]
Yours in total sincerity
Aquarion
--
In the last month(ish), AFP has had 16 FAQs, 218 Cascades,953 Meta-
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That's 6457 total messages, (402 Messages untagged)
Ted Carmichael
"Aquarion" wrote:
[snip]
> Will Aquarion make it all the way though the story?
> Does it matter?
> And even if it matters, does it matter that it matters?
> Maybe I should just stay here and go Zootle-Wordle.
Zootle-Wordle? Zooooooooo tle. Worrrrrrrrrr dle. Hmmm....
"Zootle Wordle = Limeswold. Limeswold was a cheese made in the
1980s in England. However, it never became popular, and
production stopped after a few years."
Well, it's got a good tune, but you can't really dance to it...
Ted
Melody S-K
"Aquarion" <use...@aquarionics.com> wrote in message
news:slrna0lfqc...@sacrifice.bedlam.bogus...
Snipped all
Zootle-Wordle? :)
We want fart jokes ...c'mon Aq ...it's panto time!
:)
Melody - AKA Jacks mother
--
Hey, if you cut off your foot, you wouldn't keep putting it
in your mouth, but your body wouldn't be the same, would it?
MP
wrote:
> Pettitt's Used Cow Lot was a masterpiece of salesmanship, and a
> homage to dodgy cow dealers everywhere. From the huge forecourt
> packed so full of cows that you couldn't belive you could get
> one out without radical surgery, to the absolutely pathetic
> bunting flying from the poles high above Jack's head. Across the
> building in the centre of the lot is a gigantic flashing sign
> reading "MP'S PREOWNED COWS! SATISFACTION GUARANTEED OR YOU
> WON'T COME BACK!!"
<snip>
Ahem! I'll have you know my Used Cow Lot is very respectable! No
flashers at all! [1]
Actually, I'm slightly less worried now. It could have been worse...
The question now has to be, will I turn up again...?
MP
[1] Sorry. Then again, it's a panto - I'm allowed to make dodgy jokes
along adult themes, as long as I tell the kiddies to cover their ears
first...[2]
[2] Although not the last few times I went to a panto - it was by the
same people who did the Tweenies... :-} [3]
[3] They are good at panto![4]
[4] Pretty much on the same level as Aq, or, for that matter, the
Tweenies...
CCA
(snip Part III etc)
Can I please volunteer for this retrospectively, or is that not allowed?
Oh, go on, I could be third villager from the right or something...
CCA:) Motto - never volunteer for anything until you know what it is. (Goes
hand in hand with motto two - never trust anyone who says "Trust me".)
Aquarion
I'm tempted to tell you to take that back...
MP
wrote:
Ahem - what other kids show could get away with a Village People
spoof? The Tweenies, dressed pretty much like the Village People (red
indian, builder and I can't remember the other two), doing singing and
dancing involving hands in the air...
And there are other gems too - the first Tweenies pop song (slightly
more innuendo than, say, Britney Spears...) and a number of the other
episodes...
MP (who considers the Tweenies to be evil, but will conceed that they
have a very naughty sense of humour...)