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Jeremy H. Denisovan
Feb 28, 2017, 3:39:05 PM2/28/17
to
The old thread has become too big.
***
And yeah, I know this stuff isn't really funny...
***
OK, the past month has been HILARIOUS,
but could we have an actual President now?
Who is Nils Bildt? Swedish ‘national security advisor’
Nils Bildt interviewed by Fox News is a mystery to Swedes
“has never been part of the Swedish debate,” one expert says.
After covering up last week's massive terror attack
on Sweden, now ten million Swedes are denying that
they have ever heard of Fox News' Swedish "national
security advisor" Nils Bildt.
I guess Fox doesn't do extreme vetting.
The villainy of these deceitful Swedes knows no bounds!
#FakeSweden
Trump Confirms That He Just Googled Obamacare
“I Googled it, and, I must say, I was surprised,”
he said. “There was a lot in it that really
made sense, to be honest.”
Trump: 'Nobody knew health care could be so complicated'
President Donald Trump noted with some exasperation
Monday the complexity of the nation's health laws,
which he's vowed to reform
Nation: Actually Everyone Did Except You, Dumbass
Trump says he will not attend the Correspondents'
Dinner due to "bone spurs."
First, Donald J. Trump hid from the media, and now
he's hiding from jokes. Mark Twain said it best:
"Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand."
There's one word to describe this loser and it's
something he likes to grab.
Donald Trump's presidency is a hate crime.
Steve Bannon threatening to destroy the media is
not "edgy" or "radical" or "tough."
It's anti-democratic, fascist and un-American.
#drunkfucker
***
And yeah, I know this stuff isn't really funny...
***
OK, the past month has been HILARIOUS,
but could we have an actual President now?
Who is Nils Bildt? Swedish ‘national security advisor’
Nils Bildt interviewed by Fox News is a mystery to Swedes
“has never been part of the Swedish debate,” one expert says.
After covering up last week's massive terror attack
on Sweden, now ten million Swedes are denying that
they have ever heard of Fox News' Swedish "national
security advisor" Nils Bildt.
I guess Fox doesn't do extreme vetting.
The villainy of these deceitful Swedes knows no bounds!
#FakeSweden
Trump Confirms That He Just Googled Obamacare
“I Googled it, and, I must say, I was surprised,”
he said. “There was a lot in it that really
made sense, to be honest.”
Trump: 'Nobody knew health care could be so complicated'
President Donald Trump noted with some exasperation
Monday the complexity of the nation's health laws,
which he's vowed to reform
Nation: Actually Everyone Did Except You, Dumbass
Trump says he will not attend the Correspondents'
Dinner due to "bone spurs."
First, Donald J. Trump hid from the media, and now
he's hiding from jokes. Mark Twain said it best:
"Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand."
There's one word to describe this loser and it's
something he likes to grab.
Donald Trump's presidency is a hate crime.
Steve Bannon threatening to destroy the media is
not "edgy" or "radical" or "tough."
It's anti-democratic, fascist and un-American.
#drunkfucker
Jeremy H. Denisovan
Feb 28, 2017, 4:50:50 PM2/28/17
to
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him,
“I want to be President one day.”
Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot?
Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind.
There are too many requirements.”
***
A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire
walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”
***
Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, “The less immigrants
we allow in, the better.”
Pence says, “The fewer”.
Trump says, “I told you not to call me that yet.”
***
I’m not a big fan of Donald Trump, but I’d never
denigrate his supporters.
If you’re a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.
***
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
***
Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school one day.
In one of the classes, they’re in the middle of a
discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Trump if he’d like to lead
the discussion of the word “tragedy.”
He agrees to do so and asks the class for an example
of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says, “If my best friend who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway
tractor comes along and runs him over and kills him,
that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” says Trump, “That would be an accident.”
Next a little girl raises her hand and says, “If a school
bus carrying forty children went off a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, I’m afraid not,” says Trump. “That’s what we would
call a great loss.”
The room goes silent for a while as no other children
volunteer.
Trump looks around the room and says a little testily,
“Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?”
At last, a little boy at the back of the class raises his
hand and says, “If a private jet carrying you, Mr Trump,
was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” shouts Mr Trump, “That’s exactly right.
And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “Because it sure as hell wouldn’t be
a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
***
What happens when you take a joke too far?
The 45th President of the United States of America.
***
A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump’s
star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Police say it’s impossible to tell if it was done
by Trump’s opponents or his supporters.
***
John (while writing Revelations):
“So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?”
God: “No… I said Trump/Pence.”
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: “Never mind. They’ll know.”
***
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead
of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn,
he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he’s pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his
security staff’s headquarters, and yells, “Somebody wrote
an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote
it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the
porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers, “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out
and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches
him and says, “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news
and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says, “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says, “Well, we took a sample of the urine
and tested it. The results just came back, and it was
Mike Pence’s urine.”
Trump says, “Oh my god, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own
vice president! Damn. …Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies, “Well Mr. President, it’s
Melania’s handwriting.”
***
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them
were Trump fans. Not really knowing what a Trump fan is,
but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids
raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he’d decided
to be different… again.
Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Trump fan.”
The teacher said, “Why aren’t you a fan of Trump?”
Johnny said, “Because I’m a Democrat.”
The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat.
Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Democrat
and my Dad’s a Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked,
“If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot,
what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,
“That would make me a Trump fan.”
“I want to be President one day.”
Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot?
Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind.
There are too many requirements.”
***
A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire
walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”
***
Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, “The less immigrants
we allow in, the better.”
Pence says, “The fewer”.
Trump says, “I told you not to call me that yet.”
***
I’m not a big fan of Donald Trump, but I’d never
denigrate his supporters.
If you’re a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.
***
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
***
Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school one day.
In one of the classes, they’re in the middle of a
discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Trump if he’d like to lead
the discussion of the word “tragedy.”
He agrees to do so and asks the class for an example
of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says, “If my best friend who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway
tractor comes along and runs him over and kills him,
that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” says Trump, “That would be an accident.”
Next a little girl raises her hand and says, “If a school
bus carrying forty children went off a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, I’m afraid not,” says Trump. “That’s what we would
call a great loss.”
The room goes silent for a while as no other children
volunteer.
Trump looks around the room and says a little testily,
“Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?”
At last, a little boy at the back of the class raises his
hand and says, “If a private jet carrying you, Mr Trump,
was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” shouts Mr Trump, “That’s exactly right.
And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “Because it sure as hell wouldn’t be
a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
***
What happens when you take a joke too far?
The 45th President of the United States of America.
***
A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump’s
star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Police say it’s impossible to tell if it was done
by Trump’s opponents or his supporters.
***
John (while writing Revelations):
“So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?”
God: “No… I said Trump/Pence.”
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: “Never mind. They’ll know.”
***
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead
of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn,
he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he’s pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his
security staff’s headquarters, and yells, “Somebody wrote
an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote
it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the
porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers, “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out
and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches
him and says, “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news
and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says, “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says, “Well, we took a sample of the urine
and tested it. The results just came back, and it was
Mike Pence’s urine.”
Trump says, “Oh my god, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own
vice president! Damn. …Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies, “Well Mr. President, it’s
Melania’s handwriting.”
***
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them
were Trump fans. Not really knowing what a Trump fan is,
but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids
raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he’d decided
to be different… again.
Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Trump fan.”
The teacher said, “Why aren’t you a fan of Trump?”
Johnny said, “Because I’m a Democrat.”
The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat.
Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Democrat
and my Dad’s a Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked,
“If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot,
what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,
“That would make me a Trump fan.”
Jeremy H. Denisovan
Mar 9, 2017, 11:51:08 AM3/9/17
to
BREAKING: Betsy DeVos No Longer Dumbest Person
in Trump's Cabinet
EPA chief Scott Pruitt says carbon dioxide
is not a primary contributor to global warming
Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain
of Fact-Resistant Humans
The most threatening incarnation of this new strain
could be Scott Pruitt, the fact-resistant EPA Chief.
[Unfortunately, not even a joke, really.]
http://tinyurl.com/j7vjzmr
***
American Medical Association Urges Americans
Not to Get Sick While Trump is President
[The AMA is actually a *conservative* organization
and they're even against the new Republican plan]:
http://tinyurl.com/zpcreuh
GOP Unveils Own Health-Care Web Site, EmergencyRoom.gov
“Health care is just three easy steps away.
One: enter your zip code.
Two: see the list of emergency rooms.
Three: get to the nearest one before you die.”
Speaker Paul Ryan claims that he has been working
on the GOP healthcare bill "for 20 years."
Here's an exact timeline of how that work breaks down:
1997 - 2010: Started thinking about maybe someday
doing something about healthcare
2010: Affordable Care Act passed; immediately started
holding votes to repeal Affordable Care Act
March 5, 2017: Stayed up all night cutting and pasting parts
of Affordable Care Act into new Microsoft Word document
called American Health Care Act
March 6, 2017: After twenty years of hard work,
released American Health Care Act to the public
It would have been better if he said,
"I threw this together in like five minutes
when I was totally hungover lol."
***
Trump Orders All White House Phones Covered in Tin Foil
Once again, The Borowitz Report has become
the go-to source for news in China.
Chinese Mistake Satire on Trump as Real News
Several publications, quoting a satirical New Yorker
piece as factual, reported a frantic President Trump,
wearing a bathrobe, worried about eavesdropping.
[OMG :), this shit really happened...]
http://tinyurl.com/gu38sqw
***
So Donald J. Trump is going to cut airport security
to pay for the border wall. Finally, we are punishing
the Mexicans for what they did on 9/11.
#TrumpLogic
[Also not even a joke, really.]
http://tinyurl.com/hbue6q7
***
Trump: Decision to Consider Women Humans Should
Be Left to States
AUSTIN - Republican lawmakers in the Texas State Senate
are proposing a precedent-setting new bill that would
make it illegal for women to live in the state.
#ADayWithoutAWoman
When asked point-blank whether he considered
women humans, the billionaire responded,
“It should be a case-by-case thing.”
jackofhearts
Mar 15, 2017, 6:47:16 PM3/15/17
to
all you need is love,
love is all you need?
big deal, anyone can love them self.
and anyone should love their self.
but how many people have gumption?
i say all you need is gumption.
Gumption is what makes things happen.
without some (gumption) you're a twerp.
love is all you need?
big deal, anyone can love them self.
and anyone should love their self.
but how many people have gumption?
i say all you need is gumption.
Gumption is what makes things happen.
without some (gumption) you're a twerp.
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