-- From The Recycling Bin: Part 6/10 --
Jose Thekkumthala
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- FROM THE RECYCLING BIN -- Part 6/10 -
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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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+ My Love-Affair with a She-Bear +
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+ by +
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+ Jose Thekkumthala +
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If you were with me in my living room on that day of days, you will
know what I am talking about.
Guys, today I am going to take you to a world supernatural and
beautiful beyond comparison, a world as fascinating as it is
mysterious, a world where dreams never die, a world cool and tranquil
as the arctic ice. I am talking about where I live, the great Canadian
arctic.
Ten Commandments of Physics
---------------------------
This great Canadian Arctic is dear to our heart. As Canadians, we have
the first encounter of the supreme kind of the profound laws of nature.
In here we stay on the top of the world in the North Pole and look down
upon the US (Uncle Sam) and sometimes wish Uncle Sam turn into a
snow-flake. We are uniquely blessed to have a tranquil country here,
serene and calm. In the profound silence that is so much characteristic
of our life, we get the revelation of the innermost secrets of the
universe. God spits out the Laws of Physics to us and to us only. We
spit them around to the rest of the world. The rest of the world has
to wait upon us to know what they are. We play Moses to distribute the
ten commandments of Physics. If you live here, you get the eventual
enlightenment on the meaning of life and death. You do not need to
meditate under the Bodhi tree to do so.
If you do not believe what I say, just come and stay here. I tell you,
you will never go back! Of course, I did not mean you will freeze to
death here. On the contrary, you will fall in love! You will fall in
love with the ice-caps, you will fall in love with the snow-flakes and
more importantly, you will fall in love with Polar Bears. I fell in
love with a polar bear myself. I call her she-bear. This is the story
of that love-affair.
Ever wonder how I spend my time in the Canadian arctic? It is easy. I have
so many bear friends here. The total population of Canada is sixteen
thousand and nine (Malayalam translation: 10009). Me and my sixteen
thousand and eight she-bear friends. Now you know why Canada has only
one man and so many women.
How It All Started
------------------
It all started one fine morning. It was summer where I was living.
Snow was only five feet up in the driveway. I was sitting in my living
room looking outside, enjoying the supreme beauty of my snow-blower,
meditating if I should blow out the snow. To blow or not to blow -
that was the question. I was wrestling with this question and some
other questions like if I should become a full-time ack-writer to
make a living.
That is when I got this eerie feeling that somebody else was there in
the living room with me. I got this dreadful feeling that someone was
watching me closely from very close quarters. Unknown to me, somebody
had slipped into my house and into my living room. I looked around and
there she was -- a she-bear right in my living room!
The very first reaction, naturally, was fear. Only yesterday, I read
The Arctic Times and realized that my neighbor was eaten alive by
a polar bear. I had this bad dream all night that I was eating
leftovers of his body left behind by the generous bear. I believe
I burped in my sleep, since my other neighbor woke up from his
sleep. I started sweating cold beads of sweat profusely. It looked
like my fear was overflowing in the form of sweat.
But something was different with this bear. She stood out. There
was something in her looks that told me that she was different
from the rest...
She was a paradigm of supernatural beauty endowed with an
otherworldly grace. She walked into my living room and, as I realized
later, she walked into my life itself..
She came to me with her feathery steps heralding a tomorrow full of
promise and happiness. She walked in with music in her foot-steps,
promise in her eyes and joy in my heart. Her dazzling smile resembled
the effulgence of twinkling wispering stars that were sprinkled on
the arctic sky. She was soft as a snow-flake, dark as a midnight sun
and gorgeous as an autumn moon. She was cool as icecaps. She was an
embodiment of grandeur and she radiated darkness. She was
singularly beautiful!
And she took my breath away...
I knew almost immediately that I wanted to spend the rest of my life
with her and with her only. It was love at first sight. The attraction
was mutual. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I will set
my eyes on such a ravishing beauty. Cupid was at work. So was KamaDeva.
Her very presence triggered an avalanche of dreamy thoughts in my mind.
I wrote the following poem "An ode to Darkness" in praise of her dark
beauty and to commemorate the first encounter and to celebrate our
love-affair.
Oh Darkness, mistress of the mischievous night
When wilt thou vanish bringing forth tomorrow
Lit with a bubbling hope and a bright morning light
And a smiling sun awake after a night-long slumber?
Oh Darkness, thou the epitome of mysteries
Thou hold us hostage in a prison of dark night
We yearn for the bright morning of morrow
To redeem us from an affair with this black night.
Many a night did I spend with my heart
Laden with anguish that this night won't pass
Giving way to the bright morning shine
With its glorious smile full of aspiration.
Oh Darkness, thou art the evil incarnate
Covering earth like a black blanket
Holding in thy heart eversomany dark schemes
A contrast to morrow's promising morning!
This poem officially heralded our love-affair. She was quite pleased
with it and read it all night and all day.
Further Developments
--------------------
This love-at-first-sight syndrome soon metamorphosized into a
full-fledged Romeo-Juliet romance. One thing led to another and soon
she started taking me out. We frequented the Ice-Caps restaurant and
the North Pole bar. On Friday nights, we started going out for dinner
at the Ice-Caps and later on for a dance at the North Pole.
We usually have a romantic, candle-lit dinner. Usually at dinner she
tries to eat me, thinking that I am her food. But then I apply my
charm and dissuade her from her love-driven murderous tendencies.
I divert her attention to the Hungarian Goulash we ordered. She eats
the Goulash along with the plate. The waiter-bear comes around, makes
passes at her, I get jealous and shove my plate into his mouth. He
gulps that down with relish and goes away, leaving us alone.
Usually I do not tip the waiter-bear. I leave my plate and the
burnt-out candle-stick as my tip.
That Look of Sneer
------------------
Guys, don't think that I did not notice that look of sneer writ on your
face! Is not that contemptuous look for my mean habit of not tipping?
But at least, I leave my plate as a tip. Lots of my friends from
you-know-where do not even do that. They just take the plate home!
American Express Card versus Indian Express Card
------------------------------------------------
My friends strictly adhere to the "Indian Express Card" (A new credit
card introduced by the Vayanad Chamber of Commerce) principle of "Don't
leave Restaurant without plate". But then, they do not adhere to the
"American Express Card" principle of "Don't leave Home without plate",
which means that the plates stay home when my friends leave home.
This scenario begets a very interesting phenomenon: By the time a
typical graduate student is done with his studies and starts packing
to get back to you-know-where, he hoards, on an average, 23.7 plates.
The garage sale they hold just before going back to civilization is
rumored to be frequented by the restaurant owners who have set up a
plate recycling campaign.
Restaurants are obviously running out of plates. the grim prospects
faced by the US restaurant owners was the main topic of discussion
at a recent International Restaurant Owners Conference held in
Hilton Vayanad.
The Immigration and Naturalization Service
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This problem was brought to the attention of INS and they set up a
ruling whereby the F-1 visa availability was made conditional to the
students giving an oath in front of the Statue of Liberty, to the
effect that they will follow the American Express card principle of
leaving home with the plates, thereby retrieving them to their original
place. It is rumored that there is intense lobbying by Restaurant
owners in the Capitol Hill to appoint a congressional sub-committee
to see to it that INS ruling will be fully implemented. There is
even rumour that Ross Perot's re-entry into the upcoming US election
is linked to this plate retrieval agenda.
Note that this problem does not usually exist here in Canada,
because all the plates are eaten by polar bears who roam around our
neighborhood. Santa Clause of the North Pole ends up retrieving them
from polar bears and distributing them on X'mas eve to restaurant
owners in Canada.
I am a Born-Again Malayalee
---------------------------
Mind you, I used to adhere to the Indian Express Card principle of
leaving restaurant with the plates, just like my friends.
Well, sort of. It was not exactly like that. It was like the
plates not leaving the restaurant without me. They more or less
escorted me out of the restaurant and into my home. But now I am a
changed man. I am a born-again Malayalee practising the principle
of loving your restaurant just like you love yourself.
After the Dinner...
-------------------
After our romantic dinner, me and my she-bear go out for a dance
at the North Pole bar. During the slow dance, she almost crushes me
to death with her intimate hug. I usually end up running for my life!
All the love's labours are lost!
But come next friday, this lover's quarrel is easily forgotten. Love
conquers them all!! We are back in our favorite restaurant next
friday, to re-enact the same drama of we having our dinner, she trying
to eat me, me applying my charm to make her eat the beef strognoff,
me getting jealous of the waiter-bear making passes at
her, me shoving my plate into his mouth, he going away happily
leaving us alone, me offering the burnt-out candle-stick as my tip,
we going to the North Pole bar for a dance, she trying to crush me
to death with her hug and me running for my life.
This drama gets re-enacted continuously.
During the weekly romantic encounters we discuss a myriad of topics,
like the ack net-writing, the research of Canadian scientists as
to the possibility of negative entropy existing in Canada, the
prominent personality of Santa Clause who lives only two blocks
away from where she lives, how snow-flakes usually make her
day etc., etc.
The Wedding Bells !!
--------------------
At last I found the true love of my life. I found the meaning of
life that I was seeking all along. I have confidence in my lucky stars!
Our love is eternal. My love for her has blossomed by leaps and bounds.
She is the best thing that has happened to me. My adulation for her
is permanent. She is the very epicenter of my dreamworld.
I have started teaching her Malayalam. Last friday I presented her
with a saari. She looked supernatural in that dress. She insists that
I also wear saari. I oblige her for the sake of our love and so these
days we frequent our favorite hang-outs both of us clad in saaris.
Gradually, I am teaching her the Kerala history and civilization.
She, on her part, is trying to make me a polar bear. She claims
that she has a hunch that it is going to be an easy task, considering
that it is me.
I also drafted her to the ack readership. She is an ackress now.
We both believe that the marriages are not made in heaven,
but in the North Pole. Wedding bells are around the corner!
Guys, what do you know... We are going to get married! We plan
to get married in the Arctic cathedral.
When you hear the resonating sounds of the Arctic Cathedral bells..
when you get the scent of the fragrant sweetness of the arctic
snow-flakes.. when mine and her world is replete with boundless
happiness, when mine and her lives attain a state of exuberant joy...
then you know that love is in the air.. Then you know those
bells are ushering in an era of everlasting happiness for
both of us.. Then you know that we are ebullient with the joy of
togetherness.. Then you know that our minds are intertwined in a
bondage that only death will do part.
We plan to live happily ever after.
All you ackers and ackresses are invited! The ceremony will
take place near where I live this summer. Just bring your
winter jacket!
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= =
= jose =
= Dept. of Computer Science =
= email: jo...@csd.uwo.ca Univ. of Western Ontario =
= CANADA =
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