FORREST GUMP IS A RETARDED MOTHERFUCKER AND HE'S ON WELFARE
ANDYLAND
by Andy
God damn the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences for giving the
ridiculous Forrest Gump 13 nominations, the most since Who's Afraid of
fucking Virginia Woolf?!
I mean, everyone knew that the popular tale of that nimrod half-wit
retarded benchwarmer would be recognized more than any other film, but 13
wasn't exactly the number I was hoping for. Does the Academy realize what
sort of message they are sending to the world by canonizing this dangerous
film? Stupid is as stupid does, motherfuckers.
Let me just go nomination by nomination and express my major
disappointment (read bitter hatred) toward members of the voting Academy
who have too many Oscar statuettes shoved up their rectums to fully realize
what sort of bad road they've put America on by elevating Forrest Gump to
the same level as Gone With The Wind and From Here To Eternity. Thirteen
nominations, folks, means that we'll be seeing Forrest Gump in the history
books and on Sunday night TV line-ups into the next millenium. I'm going
off the grid. It's like rewarding an idiot for peeing in the punch bowl.
BEST PICTURE: As if I wasn't outraged enough that Forrest Gump got the nom,
the dillwad Academy went and named The Shawshank Redemption as one of the
five. AJ will back me up on this one because she was my date: IT SUCKED.
The nomination should have gone to Heavenly Creatures or Ed Wood; but
instead the retarded Academy decided that we didn't have enough goddamned
triumph of the human spirit last year with Forrest Gump and so they went
and named the picture with the worst, most inaccessible title of the year.
What the fuck is a Shawshank? This was the grand outrage of the day. It was
odd seeing Four Weddings and a Funeral get a best picture nod, but there
always has to be a limey crowd-pleaser in the line-up (Chariots of Fire,
Room with a View, Howard's End, Remains of the Day et. al.) and Four
Weddings was at least watchable. And Pulp Fiction WAS the best picture of
1994, bar none, and you damn well better have recognized it in the best
picture category, which you did. Never saw Quiz Show, but it's a typical
Academy pick (America loses its innocence...JFK, All the President's Men,
etc.) for that last coveted nomination. Thank the lord you didn't choose
Nell, losers. And Nobody's Fool.
BEST ACTOR: Tom Hanks and Paul Newman, who have already won, got their
fucking best actor noms, and one one of them will win again. They both
suck. Nigel Hawthorne got nominated because he reprised a respected stage
role AND he plays a mentally ill despot, which makes those illiterate
voters go bananas. The outrage here was nominating Morgan Freeman, the Ben
Vereen of his day. How many times can he play Steppin Fetchit and still
grab a nomination? In a better world, the great John Travolta would take
the statuette but dumb, fucked-up mama's boy Forrest Gump went and peed on
the picnic.
BEST ACTRESS: Yeah, Jodie, you got it. Now all of America can quit talking
like Nell on public transportation. And perennial favorite Winona Ryder,
the most over-rated actress of her generation, scammed a nod for
Academy-proof Little Women, which I thought would do what Shawshank did.
Another perennial, Jessica Lange, will probably win the award even though
no normal person saw Blue Sky because it came and went in a blink. Susan
Sarandon SHOULD win for The Client, but I'm a total fan of hers so I'm
biassed. And Miranda Richardson, another Brit (albeit a fine actress)
scammed a nod for Tom & Viv, which nobody saw because it's a literary bio.
Linda Fiorentino got Shawshanked for her excellent work in The Last
Seduction, but I read somewhere that she was ineligible because that great
film first played on cable television. What about Sigourney Weaver in Death
and The Maiden?
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Bad motherfucker Sam Jackson should win, but
perennial Oscar nominee Martin Landau will nab the gold. And he was
terrific as heroin-addicted Bela Lugosi in the extraordinarily underrated
Ed Wood. The other shock of the day was the number of nominations Bullets
Over Broadway received. It was one of Woody Allen's least interesting
pictures, save for Dianne Wiest's performance. Chazz Palminteri was good,
but all he played was a generic gangster and so who cares? Never saw Quiz
Show and I don't think Paul Scofield has any chance, so fuck him. Gary
Sinise, who played the surly amputee in Forrest Gump, wasn't very good at
all. How about Jean-Louis Trintignant in Red? Or Ben Kingsley in Death and
the Maiden? Or Peter Coyote in Bitter Moon?
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS? Thank heavens no children were nominated this
year, though it's bad enough that airhead Jennifer Tilly, who was only
playing herself in Bullets Over Broadway, got a nod. I don't know who the
fuck Rosemary Harris is, probably because I didn't see Tom & Viv because
anything literate almost never comes to my town. Goddess of British
thespians, Helen Mirren, who blew me away in Prime Suspect as D.C.I. Jane
Tennyson, snagged a nom for her role in the pageantry-obsessed Madness of
King George. She has a chance. Perennially nominated Dianne Wiest does too,
but I think the loser Academy should get daring this year and give the
prize to Uma. Not everyone can pull off a drug overdose AND shimmy to Son
of a Preacher Man, but Ms. Thurman did a fine job. The only problem is Even
Cowgirls Get The Blues, one of the worst films of all time and don't you
know the Academy won't forget that one! And where's the sympathy nod to
Sophia Loren?
BEST DIRECTOR: Robert Let Me Kiss Your Ass Zemeckis and Woody They Must
Have Forgiven His Degeneracy Allen and Robert I Look Like A Desert Boot
Redford got obligatory nods, as did Quentin I'm So Cool Tarantino, who
should win, but won't, because he's bratty and different and young. If
Forrest Gump wins best picture, which it probably will, then Zemeckis has
got it in spades and we're all in for a shitty millenium of more base
product from the Hollywood shit mill. But this could be one of the rare
cases when the Best Director award will be given to the director of a film
that doesn't win best picture. In which case, Tarantino's got it. If the
Academy was REALLY awarding visionary directors who actually have some
semblance of talent, then Krzysztof Kieslowski, the finest director in the
world right now, would get a statuette. The biggest and best surprise of
the day was the fact he was even nominated. But let's not forget that the
Academy Awards are all about recognizing trash, which Red definitely is
not.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: This was the one category that made me grin, and
that's not an easy feat on a day when Forrest Gump got thirteen
nominations. Woody Allen always makes an appearance here, and he's not got
a chance for his half-hearted period comedy Bullets Over Broadway. Richard
Curtis's script for Four Weddings And a Funeral was really quite charming
and it could be the dark horse here. The guy has a great ear for dialogue.
But the REAL dialogue man is Quentin Tarantino, and if there's any justice
in the world he should get the prize for the extremely well-written Pulp
Fiction. And he probably will. I was filled with glee that Heavenly
Creatures got a nod, even for an obscure category such as this. AJ and I
have such a fondness for this film. We've been quoting it for months, and
if wacky dialogue stays with you for THAT long, the picture should be
nominated for best screenplay. AND IT WAS! They're weeping clay in Borovnia
over this one. Finally, Kieslowski got a nod for Red's screenplay, which is
surprising. His words are so deep and full of meaning that it's downright
amazing that Academy voters even got throught the script. And to see it
nominated! Is there hope for Hollywood yet?
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Robert Benton's Nobody's Fool adaptation will
probably win, but the one that's festering in the background is the rotten
script for the rotten Forrest Gump, which was first a rotten novel by
Winston Groom that no one bought when it came out years ago...because it
was rotten. And it eventually became a rotten film that would sweep the
67th annual Academy Awards, which is the very essence of rotten. Alan
Bennett adapted his own play, The Madness of King George, but won't receive
any recognition for it because the Academy doesn't speak his language of
pageantry and Olde English. Quiz Show was a good story, but not worthy of a
prize for storytelling; and Frank Darabont did a straight reading of a
Stephen King short story stinkeroo called Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank
Redemption and you know the rest of THAT story. This was another outrageous
nomination. Ed Wood should have been named here because whoever wrote that
script managed to make a great story out of Nightmare of Ecstasy, the
collection of quotes and trivia on which Ed Wood the film was based. A very
talented writer took a hodgepodge of information and whipped it into one of
the smartest, most clever scripts of the year but Hollywood didn't get it
because it was all about THEM and their evil ways of stifling true talent.
Nominations and the lack thereof tell you a great deal.
BEST FOREIGN FILM: Should have been Red, but some ridiculous clause shut it
out because there were crew members from Poland, France and Switzerland.
The dumb Academy doesn't realize that that's the STORY of modern European
cinema, for crying out loud, and that's what makes Kieslowski so goddamned
interesting. Instead some obscure piece of shit from Macedonia (Oh, we've
never given THEM a nomination!) gets a nod, as does Farinelli, the Belgian
epic whose studio-manipulated soundtrack no BMW will be without come April.
Farinelli will win and some record label will make a fortune, even though
if you want REAL castrati music you'll have to go elsewhere. Or go and rent
The Cook The Thief... again. Eat Drink Man Woman got a lot of suburbanites
into foreign films, but it won't win because it was essentially a Woody
Allen rip-off. And the Cuban flick Strawberries and Chocolate got the nod
because the Academy had to recognize at least one homosexual-themed film or
else the gay rights people would be picketing on March 27.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: The fact that Forrest Gump was mentioned here is an
outrage, because we're talking about manipulated footage and special
effects, which has its own category. What's so fucking gorgeous about a
re-creation of some protest on the Mall in Washington? This nomination is a
load of bollocks. Legends of the Fall and Wyatt Earp were both pastiche
westerns that looked like Ralph Lauren catalogs, which means they stand an
excellent chance of winning over the retarded Academy voters. Well, Legends
of the Fall does at least. Hollywood hates Kevin Costner right now because
he broke up the family and pushed up the cost on Waterworld and he now has
two Kevin's Gates in a row, and anyone who participates in something like
The War and produces something like Rapa Nui should be immediately
blacklisted. The Shitshank Redemption didn't HAVE any cinematography as far
as I could recall, and I smell a conspiracy here. The nominations for this
film must have been bought by someone, which is entirely possible I
suppose. It was nice to see Red get a vote here; I doubt any of the voters
is aware of semiotics, but they got something visual out of this picture.
There's hope for the dillwads yet.
The rest of the nominations were ludicrous...all those manipulative songs
from the rotten Lion King monopolized the best song category, and the best
score choices were appalling. Why didn't the excellent score from BackBeat
get nominated? What about Zbigniew Preisner's classic contributions to
Kieslowski's White and Red, namely Red? And the best visual effects nod for
Forrest Gump is a scandal, considering that the insertions of Mr. Hanks
into old newsreel wasn't only shoddy, it was downright EMBARRASSING. How
dare they attempt to rewrite history? Don't the filmmakers realize that a
lot of stupid people will put two and two together and think Forrest Gump
was REAL?!?
Have a nice day! Blow up the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion on March 27th!
Andy
--
"Does your child taste salty?"
Jim Martin
Your entire (and rather *long* -took 5 minutes to [snip]) post
was based on the rather naive (esp for a bitterboy like you) assumption
that the nominations have anything to do with "Best". The awards started out
as a marketing gimmick for the studios, then, when TV gained controll, a
glorified people's choice awards. It is the rare exception what is actully
the "best" wins, or even gets nominated. How could Cher *ever* be a better
actress than Glenn Close, how could Tommy Lee Jones approach the talent
of Ralph Feinnes, how could Winona, although riddled with Molly Ringwald
style, lip-biting Angst, be considered an actress, let alone "Best"? The
fact that you have any faith in the awards at all has endeared you to me
greatly, (I'm sending you some snacks from Spago's).
I'm almost glad the lengthy Hallmark Moment got so many nominations,
cause I was low on Bitterfuel.
I agree with most of what you said, but we shouldn't have expected any
different. BTW Dianne Weist is always nominated because she is always good,
but don't worry, she won't win.
A few minor Bitter points of my own:
Why did Travolta get "actor" when Freddy only got "supporting",
which is always a tougher catagory?
Why the fuck did they ignore Jennifer Jason Leigh? She is always the BEST
FUCKING THING in any of her movies, has an amazing string of performances
behind her, and was the BITTEREST thing on screen this year in a paean
to the patron saint of Bitterness? See? Now you've got me doing it...
That's why we're Bitter--Still can't stop hoping...
Let's not bomb the Chanlder, let's plaster it with color copies
of Tom Hanks "but-tocks"
Bitterella
Mama Cheryl
andy...@merle.acns.nwu.edu (ANDYLAND) writes:
>FUCK OFF, FORREST GUMP! YOU RUINED MY DAY!
>by Andy
>
>God damn the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences for giving the
I read through your book reports, I listened while you went through
your music collection and I basically waded through the morrass of your
postings hoping beyond hope to discover a minutae of true intellect
behind your contrived intellectualisms. Every once in awhile you would
write something that would make be grin, or piss me off (either is
acceptable as entertainment to me). However, you never said anything
that had enough force behind it to make me react, respond maybe, but
never react. Until now.
First, did you have to buy every line the nouveau intellegentsia put
forth? Your very long, semi-informative, temper tantrum (I'm sure with
your breath held until you turned blue) was nothing more than the same
spewings I've been hearing for decades concerning the Academy. "No one
with any REeeeeaaallll talent ever gets nominated." "Gee, only those
films that the majority of people in the U.S. went to see were nominated.
Don't the Academy judges realize that they are all MORONS, or retarded
mother-fuckers." "Ooooooohh! That stupid,idiotic, ridiculously over-
rated french film should have won them all!!!!!!" "Don't they realize
that only those ridiculously artsy films that us cultured people with
money like to watch are of any use to anyone." "We must teach the masses
that what they like is BAD, artsy french shit GOOD!"
Ok, Ok. So I'm over-reacting a bit myself. I just get a little steamed
when people who should have enough intelligence not to try to put
down regular people, don't and do. Andy, your subject header says
it all: Retard and Welfare. Are you really such a spoiled, snobbish
little bigot? I hope not, because, not withstanding what I wrote in
the beginning of this post, I happen to like you. Underneath all of that
intellectual crap, and silver-spoon fed bigotry, I think is someone who
could truly learn to appreciate the finer things in life. Things that are
sometimes found in an opera house, or a symphony hall, but are also found
on the corner of the main street in some hick town in Bumfuck, America or
in the mind of a retard. You know, they thought Steven Hawkings was
retarded when he was young.
I can't imagine why you would like Forrest Gump anyway. It's a movie
written for a certain generation, that can only be appreciated by that
generation. I for one, liked all of the in jokes. It's not art, but it
was sure as hell entertaining for one of my generation. And anyone who
thinks that Tom Hanks was really in those pictures of history, should.
I bet it would make for fun reading on alt.conspiricies.
And where you are a francophile, my Andykins, I am a hater of anything
french. Especially films. Now you could say that I just don't have the
intellect to appreciate the depth of a french film, but I wouldn't try
it if I were you. I mean we are talking about a group of people who
actually like Jerry Lewis, or did. And a group of people who would
rather leave a three-year-old child crying on a train platform rather
than speak to anyone in English, which they obviously understood. The
french today are living off the reputations of the intellects and artists
who resided there in the past. They are a pathetic country of people
trying desparately to hold onto a sense of superiority over the rest of
the world. All of their intellectual and artistic endeavors are but pale
comparisons to a lost past of intellectual vitality. I truly feel
sorry for them when I'm not actively disliking one of them for a direct
and personal attack, or for subjecting me to another tediously fatuous
attempt at depth. I love foreign films. My favorites at the moment are
Australian. There are only two types of foreign films I consistently
detest, French and Italian. One is vacuously tiring , the other is just
weird and uninteresting.
Well, there you go. An opinion, not a humble one perhaps, but an opinion
nonetheless.
Mama Cheryl
>"Does your child taste salty?"
you she isn't sweet, bitter perhaps, salty who knows.
ANDYLAND
up in the vermin that is Hollywood. So leave me alone, Bitterella.
As for Jennifer Jason Leigh, she molested the gift that was Dorothy Parker.
I mean, that film was a real disaster. I was convinced that Ms. Jason Leigh
was chewing on metal filings during the shoot. I don't care what people
say, Dottie did NOT talk like she was chewing on metal filings. I still
think the best representation of the enigma that was Dottie's life is "You
Might As Well Live" by John Keats. Marion Meade's atrocious "What Fresh
Hell Is This?" should be destroyed at once, and Alan Rudolphe should be
liquidated for making such a terrible, terrible film. Dottie was barfing in
her coffin I am sure. And that terrier that played Edna Ferber...that's
another scandal altogether.
Have a nice day! See you at the Oscars!
Andy
AJ
our genious?
You bring the rock and I'll bring the panty-hose, we'll off Hanks and then
flee through the woods of Hollywood screeching as the blood dries on our
frocks.
AJ (Deborah)
ANDYLAND
(Jim Martin) wrote:
> Andy darling dearest,
>
> Don't be so sensitive, kiddo, Bitterella's not picking on you..yer special.
>
> However, considering you were born in 1970 (that's three years after Dot
> died), how would you know what she sounded like? If you had heard the tapes
> Jenn did, you couldn't fault her mimic at all. The tapes were
> made when Dot was old and shriveled from all those bitter years, so who
> knows what she sounded like when she was young and on a bender. At least
> Jenn tried, instead of biting her lip, rolling her eyes, and dating
> skanky rockers to get attention. And now you're gonna bag on Lili Taylor?
> Just who *are* your favorite actresses? If you say Heather Locklear it'll
> break my heart. Absolutely no snacks for that!!
>
I heard tapes of Dottie reading poetry when she was much younger and she
just sounded like an ordinary gal....not like she was chewing metal
filings. These tapes were procured by a literary relative who worked in a
bookstore. Apparently when the first wave of books-on-tape came out in the
late 1970's/early 80's there was a Dottie tape of poetry. But then I read
somewhere recently that they've had a hard time locating such tapes. I
wonder if I was listening to a Dottie impersonator. I saw Lili Taylor in
Household Saints and I almost threw up all over the television. The only
good thing she's been in is Dogfight. I agree that Jennifer Jason Leigh is
a good actress, but not as Dorothy Parker. Me, I hate all the young
actresses. No talent whatsoever. I'll take in a Susan Sarandon picture any
day before I'll go see some new piece of trash like Julia Ormond or Sandra
Bullock defile the screen. They're all just chippies.
Have a nice day!
ANDYLAND
deity represented in early English drama as a boisterous character.
Dear, dear Cheryl, and I do refuse to call you "Mama" because then I
envision you lactating all over everywhere and I can't think of anything
more revolting.
I am so enlightened now that I have your seal of approval. I think I can go
on living now that I have been recognized by such a termagent as yourself,
but excuse me while I go get a paper towel and pick out all of the chunks
of vomit that have soiled my terminal.
You've been silently getting on my nerves for weeks now, and I am convinced
you are just a jolly gal slumming in a place where you have no business
slumming. I mean, I was just going to keep my mouth shut about your
spirited cooings, but now I'm not so sure. Kiss kiss, bang bang indeed.
And now you attack my passion for the fine country that is France. I
received part of my education there and let me tell you I learned more over
there than anything I've ever learned in this pathetic country. If that
makes me a simpering piece of Eurotrash, then fine. I'm Eurotrash.
And as for your stupid burstage regarding the Academy Award nominations,
I'm one of those old-fashioned types who lives for a bit of pageantry and
celebration, and so I get rather excited when the nominations come out
every year. If my reactions didn't jibe with your so-called expert
worldview, well then I am sorry. I'm not sitting here writing things for
your benefit, Lassie.
And your feminist garbage really makes me sick. Sure, Kazandar gets a
little misogynist but shouldn't he be allowed to express his bitterness
just like everyone else? We should be glad that a place like this exists.
We should be sickened that alleged people like you come along and try to
act as the grand silencer.
Have a nice day, frump!
Andy
bil
: TERMAGENT: an overbearing or nagging woman, originally a legendary Muslin
: deity represented in early English drama as a boisterous character.
Harradin?
--
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
bil hays
My opinions are just that | The situation is desperate but not serious
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Andyland
CAS...@uacsc2.albany.edu (Mama Cheryl) blabbed unceremoniously:
>
> All my children are bitter, and sarcastic, and occasionally whiny,
> pedantic, overbearing snots, but hell so is their Mama.
>
Well consider myself an emancipated minor because I won't put up with your
foul attempts at parentage. Unwelcome back.
Have a nice day!
Andy
--
"It's important that if I die I am perceived as misunderstood."
palc...@mailgw.sanders.lockheed.com
>
>In case no one has said it lately: Bitterness does not have to be rude,
>it does not have to be profound, it does not have to be entertaining,
>All it has to be is bitter. We DO NOT have to treat each other like
>shit in order to be bitter, however, it does help to stomp on someone
>else for a change.
Seconded.
>Mama Cheryl
>
>All my children are bitter, and sarcastic, and occasionally whiny,
>pedantic, overbearing snots, but hell so is their Mama.
Cool.
--pla