triad horrorscopes
kj
member research)
For years, people have been wondering about the astrological aspects of the
triad. Do Cancers make good birthmothers? Can a Scorpio be kind and loving
adoptive parent? What about the children-which sign would be the best sign to
welcome into your family? Here on Alt.Adoption, we strive to help you
understand why your familial relationships don't, wouldn't, couldn't and
shouldn't work.
Aries (March 21-April 20):
Aries "natural" parents start off with every intention of raising their own
children. Sadly, life gets in the way. The five bambinos are taken away by
the state for neglect. The Aries parents end up on TV or in the paper with
headlines like, "Five Children (1, 3, 4, 5 & 12) and Their Two Non-Working
Parents Wallow in Their Own Filth While Horrified Neighbors Look on in
Disgust!" Naturally, the Aries birthmother is pregnant again and relishes the
attention she receives. She devotes the rest of her life to letting people
know how wronged she has been. She wasn't on drugs, she claims. She honestly
believes she has been the best mother ever.
Famous Aries birthparents: They don't keep very good records in the hills.
This is the public battle cry of the Aries adopter. "Look at me! I adopted a
baby! Aren't I wonderful? Aren't I such a humanitarian? Don't you feel so
LUCKY to know me?" Behind closed doors, the Aries adopter let's his/her true
colors show. Remember Christina Crawford? The word was she exaggerated about
her mother. She did, about Joan's good and loving side. Heaven help the
adoptee trapped with the Aries adopter.
Notable Aries Adopters: Pearl Bailey, Bette Davis, Rosie O'Donnell, Joan
Crawford, Gloria Swanson, Dianne Wiest, David Kelley
One could blame the psychosis of the Aries adoptee on being an Aries or an
adoptee. Either way, it's a terrible mix. The Aries naturally tends toward
paranoia, rage and violence-mixed with typical adoption "issues," it's a
cocktail that screams death… for the adopters, birthparents, adoptees,
neighbors and anyone else who happens to be nearby when the bombs start going
off.
There are no notable Aries adoptees as they typically perish at a very young
age in the fire they set. The Aries Adoptees don't become notorious as most
fire investigators don't believe a six-year-old could blow up three city
blocks.
Taurus (April 21-May 21):
Taureans are famous for denying the truth. Taurus birthmothers deny the fact
that they're pregnant. Hell, they deny the fact that they had sex. Baby dumps
are ideal for the Taurus birthmother, she can drop off her little surprise and
nobody will be the wiser. Of course, in the typical Taurus oblivion, she fails
to reason that someone may have noticed she was nine months pregnant.
Famous Taurus birthparents: Kate Mulgrew
Instead of accepting the Taurean denial about infertility (most likely as a
consequence of lack of sex) and simply not having kids, Taureans embrace this
"fault" with certain… gusto. Naturally, these Taureans tell everyone that
they were unable to breed, but they so wanted to be parents… they absolutely
needed to bless some poor little child with their world.
Famous Taurean adopters: Michelle Pfeiffer, Eve Arden, Henry Fonda, Jill
Ireland, George Lucas, Willie Mays
Most LDA's are Taurus adoptees. They claim their adoptive parents never told
them they were adopted. In reality, the Taurus adoptee has known the truth
since birth. For the Taurus adoptee, this "traumatic event" or "the big lie"
gives him/her a sense of purpose that otherwise would have been spent repaving
the driveway every week. Be glad the Taurus adoptee exists. They will fight
to the death for the rights of adoptees. Just remember that when the Taurus
maligns his/her sweet elderly adoptive parents, he/she is lying through their
teeth-even if they do believe the lie themselves.
Famous Taurus adoptees: John J. Audubon, Melissa Gilbert, Malcolm X
Gemini (May 22-June 21):
Fortunately, most Gemini pregnancies do not end in adoption-fortunate for the
adoptee who may be cursed with the madness of its mother-and fortunate for the
adopter who won't have to deal with said child. Of course this means Gemini
women rear their own young (strangely reminiscent of hamsters eating their
litters). And this is why abortion should not only be legal, but in some
situations, absolutely mandatory.
Famous Gemini birthparents: Haven't you read what I've written?? Sheesh.
Gemini adopters always do so well in home studies. The case worker is snowed
(like so many others) and feels compelled to ensure they get their new pet
(oops, baby!) as soon as possible. Alas, a child must grow up with these evil
monsters. After much therapy, adoptees raised by Gemini adopters report the
comments heard while growing up. Loving phrases like, "No, honey, we really do
feel like you're a part of our family-even though you aren't really ours," or
"oh, don't worry about Uncle Ralph, he just feels blood is thicker than water,"
or the always popular, "of course, you're not quite as intelligent as us…
you're not actually related to us!"
Famous Gemini adopters: Nicole Kidman, Josephine Baker, Bob Hope, Parker
Stevenson, Isabella Rossellini, Angelina Jolie, Patti LaBelle
Adopting a Gemini is like bringing a viper into your home. You'll never know
when it's going to strike, and really, you think everything is fine. You love
your kid and your kid loves you. You're a wonderful happy little family!
Until CPS comes and takes your kid. "What do you mean," you ask the judge.
"I've never molested my child! Who would say such a thing?" Can you guess?
It was your little angel who was getting a little bored in your safe and happy
home.
Famous Gemini adoptees: Christina Crawford, Marilyn Monroe, Ken Bianchi,
Priscilla Presley
Cancer (June 22-July 22):
There is only one reason a Cancer would relinquish a child. Guilt. The Cancer
birthmother thrives on guilt-that is, the guilt of others. So, the poor sap
who did the impregnating (hey, it's not like she didn't want it too) will
forever hear about how he ruined her life and forced her to give away her only
child. Perhaps a normal person would have more kids, not the Cancer. This
way, she can keep her victim status until the day she dies.
There are no notable Cancer birthparents as they tend to stay in darkened rooms
ruing the day they were born.
Cancers adopt because they're so utterly maternal. It doesn't matter if the
Cancer adopter is male or female, all s/he wants to do is tuck somebody in,
make someone chicken soup or change someone's diapers. This is all very
nice… for a couple of years. Let's face it; nobody wants to be spoon fed
when they're out on a date. Cancers would do just as well adopting a monkey.
Monkeys don't talk back and give the Cancer adopter needless pain because they
aren't appreciated enough.
Cancer adopters: Tom Cruise, Oscar de la Renta, Kris Kristofferson, Linda
Ronstadt
Cancer adoptees are permanently troubled by the rejection of their
birthmothers. Even if the adoptee was stolen at birth by adopters and knows
it, they still blame the birthmother. "You didn't WANT me," says the Cancer
adoptee. "I'm your CHILD. You didn't want your OWN child." (Note:
capitalized words spoken by Cancer are meant to be extra whiney.) Naturally,
the Cancer adoptees carry this burden throughout their lives and it permeates
every aspect of their daily routine. Rejection-victim-rejection-victim.
They'd be better off at the business end of a gun.
Notable Cancer adoptees: George Washington Carver, Debbi Harry, Art
Linkletter, Nelson Mandela, David Berkowitz, Nancy Reagan, Dave Thomas
Leo (July 23-August 23):
Leo birthparents give away their children because they know that anyone who
springs from their loins could only be absolutely wonderful and other people
must be blessed with the Leo offspring. Leo birthparents rarely become
surrogate mothers, but will more than happily breed for others using her own
eggs. Leos don't want to actually parent, knowing an infant would drastically
cut into their ME time.
Leos who have sold their sperm/eggs: David Crosby
Leo adopters are big advocates of the nurture only theory. The Leo adopter
ignores any genetic traits their adoptive children might have, assuming their
powerful leonine personality will override any genetic defects that may arise.
They consider their bought children as a clean slate they can smear themselves
onto.
Leo adopters include: Connie Chung, Gracie Allen, Cecil B. De Mille, Valerie
Harper, Magic Johnson, Gary Merrill, Loni Anderson
Leo adoptees are typically overachievers. Although they seem confident, deep
down they think the reason they were relinquished was something they did-in the
womb-some fatal flaw in their personality. Of course they think this, they are
the center of the universe and everything revolves around them.
Obvious Leo adoptees: President Gerald Ford, President William Clinton
Virgo (August 24-September 22):
Virgo birthparents have unplanned pregnancies once in a blue moon. This could
be because Virgos seldom have sex without a body-sized condom. If something
goes dreadfully awry, the Virgo female will douche with Clorox-or whatever it
takes-to cleanse her pure flesh. Virgo men don't always realize the latex
broke (only when they're drunk-sober they run repeated tests to ensure the
infallibility of the condom). Although the Virgo male scrubs his own flesh
with an SOS pad, he can't do the same for his mate du jour.
Well-know Virgo birthparents: Hank Williams
Virgos adopt for the same reason they-more often than not-don't give birth. No
self-respecting Virgo female would allow another person's slime inside of her.
The "normal" Virgo feels compelled to adopt, not because of an urgent need to
raise a family, but because it is considered socially abnormal not to breed.
Thus the Virgo adopter is saddled with kids-only because they feel the need to
be socially accepted. Tragically, most people adopted by Virgos turn to
suicide. These lost souls never realize there are warm affectionate people out
in the world and it's not the adoptees fault their parent/s are colder than
February in Alaska.
Famous Virgo adopters: Peter Falk, Susan Ruttan, Sen. John McCain, Hedy
Lamarr, Dan Marino and EEK!!! Michael Jackson
Virgo adoptees are adopter killers. Of course, they don't bludgeon their
adopters with a baseball bat or something equally crass. People who have
adopted Virgos tend to die early from the fumes (detergent)-or when the fumes
fail-from the stress of never being quite good enough for their kid. Virgo
adoptees never seek out their birth families-those people who are associated
with the Virgos unseemly (AKA filthy) past who are better off forgotten.
Virgo adoptees: Leo Tolstoy, Shari Belafonte-Harper, Faith Hill, Scott
Hamilton, Eric Dickerson, Ingrid Bergman
Libra (September 23-October 22):
Astrologically speaking, the most unplanned pregnancies occur in Libra females.
It all starts out innocently enough as she isn't really planning on having
sex-in fact, she may wait till she's married-but she's not quite sure yet.
This is a typical conversation one hears from his Libra date, "um… sure I
like you, it's just that I don't think we should… OK, I guess it's alright
if you do that. Wait… I don't think you should… I just don't know, I
really shouldn't…" And so on until the Libra female has her pants down,
experiencing "love" in the bushes of her parents' back yard. She knew she
wanted to have sex, but if she had just planned a little, she may have thought
to use birth control. The now pregnant Libra can't decide if she should have
an abortion for a while, so she doesn't tell her mother she's pregnant until
about a week before her due date. Then she can't decide whether or not she
wants to keep the baby. Many a prospective adopter has been shattered by the
indecisiveness of the Libra birthmother. Inevitably, she relinquishes her baby
for about a week, then decides she wants it back (the child will eventually be
raised by its grandparents after she can't decide if she should feed it or
not).
Obviously, there are no notable birthmothers as they never actually decide to
relinquish their children.
There are a couple of reasons Libras adopt. Usually, they forget to have kids
until it's too late. They don't even have a good excuse for it. It's not like
they were working on their careers or something, they just forgot. The other
reason (and a slightly more common one) is that they just can't say no. Libra
adopters end up with babies who are addicted to crack with a psychotic
birthmother hunting them down. It isn't as if the Libra adopter doesn't think
this might be a bad idea-they just don't think at all. And what's another kid
in the scheme of things anyway? It's not like they're actually parenting,
that's what the older kids are for.
Libra adopters: Art Buchwald, Julie Andrews, Marie Osmond
We give an honorable mention to Martina Navratilova, who is a wannabe adopter.
One would assume the docile attitude of the Libran would apply to the Libra
adoptee. It does…sort of. Everybody thinks they're mild-mannered, at least
they seem that way-they're not. Libran adoptees begin their formative years by
cooking ants with a magnifying glass ? pulling the wings off of flies ?
drowning kittens ? strangling puppies ? bludgeoning toddlers ? serial killing.
Libran adoptees you may have heard of: Jesse Jackson, Eleanor Roosevelt, John
Lennon
Scorpio (October 23-November 21):
Adoptees with Scorpio birthmothers commonly have a tragic tale to tell. She
seemed so nice-for about 15 seconds. The Scorpio birthmother relishes in
telling her relinquished child that she had tried to have an abortion (most
children relinquished by Scorpios are abortion survivors) and how she regrets
that she didn't go to a professional in the first place to get the job done
correctly. The Scorpio birthmother also enjoys telling her birth-spawn horror
stories of genetic problems the birth-family has-none of which are true.
Scary Scorpio birthmothers: Joni Mitchell, Rosanne
Scorpio adopters enjoy purchasing innocent children… to employ them in their
sick psycho-sexual sado-masochistic games. Sadly, these people are rarely
caught as they purchase babies from the baby black market. It's more
convenient to not have anybody asking why their kid isn't in school when the
state doesn't know the kid exists-as well as not noticing that the poor thing
is in the backyard, pushing up the daisies.
Some Scorpio adopters: Charles Bronson, Calista Flockhart, Kurt Vonnegut, Roy
Rogers, Estelle Parsons, Kate Jackson, Dale Evans and Julia Roberts has
contacted a number of adoption agencies-she's a great candidate for a
mother-undoubtedly she should have little trouble buying a child cause she's
FAMOUS.
Watch your valuables if you've adopted a Scorpio. These people give new
meaning to the word, "kleptomaniac." In fact, statistically, most
kleptomaniacs are adopted Scorpios. (It's kept out of the papers to keep that
baby business booming.) Adopted Scorpios are the kind of people who come into
your house, use your bathroom, look in the medicine cabinet and take stuff out
of your cabinet-and not just a couple of valiums, either-they'll take the whole
stinking bottle! And while you're at it, you better check the silver, family
photos (a popular steal for these charming folks), records, videos, computers,
clothes, definitely umbrellas and don't forget to make sure you're holding the
family pet when they leave. Don't feel bad, though, they've completely cleaned
out the residence of their adopters-and it's not even (usually) to support a
habit-they just like to look at stuff that belongs to other people.
Sort of well-known Scorpio adoptees: Richard Burton, Rep. Jim Lightfoot
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21):
Sagittarian "ladies" typically get pregnant after a long night of hard
drinking. The Sag girl doesn't remember having sex, who she may or may not
have had sex with or where her underpants are. She also doesn't notice she's
pregnant until the little tadpole actually slides out and she gets a good look
at it (if she's sober enough). She has assumed-for more than a few months-that
her stomach growth had a direct correlation to her beer intake. Babies who
were born to Sagittarian mothers more often than not end up in the toilet of a
college dorm.
Once again, no notable Sagittarian birthmothers… and none of us would like
to think of why that is.
Sagittarians adopt because they find they've damaged their reproductive organs
beyond repair doing stupid sporty stuff (i.e. bungee jumping, rock climbing,
sky diving and repelling). So they adopt because they've always wanted a child
to take on their excursions. Sadly, their adoptive children frequently die
when they are swept away in the rapids, fall off the mountain, their parachute
doesn't open and/or the rope breaks.
Sagittarian adopters: Jane Fonda, Joan Didion, Sammy Davis, Jr, Jamie Lee
Curtis
Honorable mention: Woody Allen-OK, maybe he didn't really adopt her, but he was
the only father she knew… maybe that's why she let him take pictures of her
naked when she was sixteen.
Sagittarian adoptees are usually dual members of the triad, through their own
many unplanned pregnancies. Sagittarian adoptees become birthmothers/fathers
for the same reason Sagittarian "ladies" become birthmothers. It's because
they're just too drunk to know any better (perhaps drunken buffoons would be an
apt description). The adopted Sagittarian lush likes to tell people they are
alcoholics because of emotional issues that stem from being adopted. This is
patently untrue-they just like to give people a reason to feel sorry for them
and buy them drinks.
Some of those wacky Sagittarian adoptees: Crazy Horse, Louisa May Alcott, Mark
Twain, Ray Liotta
Capricorn (December 22-January 20):
It's all about money to these people. For the Capricorn, everything and
anything has a price tag on it. The Cap birthmother doesn't care who gets her
baby-as long as it's sold to the highest bidder. Capricorn birthmothers are
regularly found surfing the net, looking for someone to pay through the nose.
These women sell their kids to the most wretched (Michael Jackson, Calista
Flockhart) people in the world, just to make a buck. We just have one question
for the Capricorn birthmother… does it beat prostitution? We don't think
so.
A Capricorn baby seller: Loretta Young
Capricorns adopt babies (and small children) because they don't actually want
to give birth. They feel it would ruin their figures, but in an effort to keep
up with the neighbors, they have to buy a few to look like they're the richest,
most wonderful people on the block. To the Capricorn adopter, kids are an
accessory best seen, not heard and better off with the nanny.
Capricorn adopters (And what idiot gives babies to Scientologists?): John
Denver, John DeLorean, Ted Danson, Kirstie Alley, Diane Keaton, Paula
Poundstone, Jane Wyman, Jann Wenner, Steven Spielberg
Capricorn adoptees embrace the pathological lying end of negative adoptee
traits. The Cap adoptee couldn't tell the truth if their life depended on
it-and it frequently does. Capricorn adoptees get caught on the wrong end of
the law, just because they made up some story to impress their date. Note to
Capricorns adoptees-don't tell your Scorpio lover that you killed somebody that
your lover didn't like-who ended up dead. Your Scorpio is smart enough to know
that you'll make something that stupid up (yeah, Cap, you don't fool anybody,
you're just not that quick) and take the fall for it. You've been set up…
again.
Pathologically pathetic Capricorn adoptees: Edgar Allen Poe
Aquarius (January 21-February 19):
The Aquarian birthmother is no surprise to us. No matter what decade, the A/B
(Aquarian birthmother) has partaken of many illegal substances. In the early
part of the century it was opium, in the 40's and 50's it was heroin, in the
60's and 70's it was acid, in the 80's it was coke and now it's ecstasy. So
what if they have a couple of unplanned pregnancies?
Famous Aquarian birthparents: Clark Gable, Andy Kaufman
The Aquarian adopter is another matter. No Aquarian should be a parent-no
matter if you buy or breed-some people should just say no. The Aquarian
adopter very likely doesn't know how to communicate, why should this be
inflicted on an innocent child (we all know adoptees stay children forever)?
Famous Aquarian adopters: Mia Farrow, Paul Newman, George Burns, Sir
Christopher Guest, Ronald Reagan, Burt Reynolds,
The Aquarian adoptee is every adopter's worst nightmare. These children are
permanently void of any and all emotions. Aquarian adoptees turn into serious
substance abusers… and usually by the time they're three years old.
Notable adoptees (although one can never be certain of the age or birthday of
an adoptee as all of their records have been falsified to keep them from their
true mothers): Charles Dickens, Sara Gilbert, Greg Louganis, Sarah McLachlan,
James Michener
Pisces (February 20-March20):
Pisces birthmothers don't willingly relinquish their children. They are forced
to by their evil Scorpio mother/father. The Pisces birthmother knows she is
more than capable of raising a child, but she is too afraid of her
mother/father to defy them.
Famous Piscean birthparents: Albert Einstein
Pisces people adopt children to fill the empty void inside. No matter how many
children the Pisces adopter ends up with, there's still a little voice saying,
"You haven't been martyred enough, we need another child." The Pisces adopter
needs plenty of self-flagellation. Therefore they all have the same motto, "the
more kids the better AND the more kids with terrible problems that only I can
heal, the better."
Famous Piscean adopters are: Erma Bombeck, Karen Grassle, Kirby Puckett, Sally
Jessy Raphael, Sharon Stone, Harry Belafonte
Pisces adoptees are your typical run-of-the-mill bed-wetter types. They read
books like The Primal Wound and realize what they have been missing their whole
lives. Like the Pisces Adopters, these adoptees feel an inner void they attempt
to fill with meaningless sex, biological families, bedwetting and drugs. It's
not too dangerous to adopt a Pisces. They rarely murder their adoptive parents
and they are extremely funny at parties.
Pisces bed-wetters: Aileen Pittman Wuornos, Steven Jobs, Nat King Cole, Edward
Albee
kjs668
the neighbor of the beast
LilMtnCbn
>From: kjs...@aol.comeek (kj)
>Date: 11/6/02 3:32 PM Mountain Standard Time
>Message-id: <20021106173216...@mb-ma.aol.com>
Top posting:
ROFLMAO!!! This was hilarious!!! Thanks for doing it!
<snip>
Kathy
>From: kjs...@aol.comeek (kj)
>Message-id: <20021106173216...@mb-ma.aol.com>
>
>(feel free to add yourselves-and thank lilmtncbn for active birthday/triad
>member research)
>
This was worth the long read; very funny!
<snip for brevity>
>kjs668
>the neighbor of the beast
Kathy
"To err is human; to forgive, divine."
Rhiannon
> (feel free to add yourselves-and thank lilmtncbn for active birthday/triad
> member research)
Thanks for a good larf.
Rh.