Asymmetrical friendships and relationships are very difficult to maintain because they are fraught with misunderstandings and misconceptions.
By asymmetrical relationships I mean relationships in which one party has clear socioeconomic superiority over the other. Such relationships could be either vertical or horizontal.
Both parties in an asymmetrical relationship are often guilty of acting on assumptions, stereotypes, and fears, which are not always unfounded but are sometimes not derived from the conduct of the party under scrutiny.
The less successful person in the relationship suspects that the richer, more successful party will snob, shun, and look down on them, so they walk on egg shells and sometimes avoid getting too close to their more successful friend. They fear being treated shabbily, being humiliated.
They assume that money and success make people prideful, conceited, and spiteful (which is often but not always true), and they don't want to be victims of that attitude, so they proceed with caution and hesitation in the relationship.
Some of them even avoid their more successful friends, believing that the friend would assume that they're getting close in order to ask for assistance. Treasuring their dignity, they suspend the friendship so they don't have to risk humiliation and rudeness.
For the more successful friend, the assumption/anxiety is simple: "will this friend look past my success and love me for me?" And will they think that I am a different person now that I am successful?
Another assumption is, "does this person still care for me as a friend or will our friendship now be mediated by how much material benefit they can derive from me?" Yet another one is, "how can I know if my success is not the reason why my less successful friends are relating with me?"
As a result of these mutual anxieties and assumptions, there is tension and awkwardness in asymmetrical relationships.
The friendship proceeds gingerly, but it is punctuated by moments of awkwardness, unease, and pretense, with each party concerned that the other party perceives them differently now and that this places a burden and a strain on the relationship.
I wonder what we might see if we think of this asymmetry as fundamentally about "power" not "success." The idea of success implies that a person has worked for something and achieved it. Sometimes that is not the root of the asymmetry, it can be random. Luck, being at the right place at the right time, having access to networks or privilege, race, gender etc..can, in the right context, set someone up for "success" and thus give them much more power over other people. Now, because power (money, influence, status etc) corrupts people it is logical that the person with less power should become cautious around the person with more power. Power is dangerous. Across time and space people with power have shown that they are inclined to abuse it. So being suspicious of someone with power is self preservation. Therefore, it is the responsibility of the person with more power to prove that they aren't going to use it to harm the other person(s). That is the price of having power, the onus is on the powerful to show that they are going to behave themselves. I also wonder if any relationship can sustain the idea that there is an "asymmetry" embedded in the relationship. I think as soon as that idea creeps in then the friendship is doomed. I am friends with people who are more privileged than I am but I don't think of myself as being in an asymmetrical relationship with anyone (unless, of course, they are my elders) because we are all bringing something valuable to the relationship, which is why we're are friends in the first place. Maybe the idea that there is an asymmetry is the cause of all these anxieties to begin with?
Marius, thanks for this perceptive take. I agree and your insight here introduces another important dimension to the matter. But I have two clarifications to make. One is that, while I totally agree that "privilege" is the more appropriate operative word here than "success" for the reasons you articulated, in the Nigerian (perhaps African) cultural context that my post is grounded in, the expansive, capacious notion of success already accounts for privilege, whether that privilege is the result of divine or structural favor, luck, chance, corruption, favoratism, power, abuse of access, inherited status or identities such as race, gender, class.
Certainly, in Nigeria, there are many vernacular philosophical and moral-economic articulations of this expansive idea of success that I will not bore you with, which depart from the narrower Western notion of success, your critique of which is spot on---and which certainly denies unearned privilege and luck, being rooted in the intersection of Western capitalism and white supremacy.
The second point is that I was referring to relationships in which the parties knew each other since they both were and had nothing (colloquially speaking--mostly relationships in which they grew up together. The dynamic of awkwardness and unease and tension is the result of this extensive prior familiarity and intimacy in the days of symmetrical and horizontal statuses and relations. This is precisely what introduces tension into the relationship because one party is suddenly more "privileged" or "successful" than the other and this disrupts or upends the balance of the relationship. Neither party knows how to proceed, how to reset the relationship to its previous balance, hence the awkwardness, assumptions, mutual suspicions, and caution. Asymmetrical relationships in which there is no such prior history of equality and equal interactions are not the same as the one I was postulating, although they may have their own tensions.
Finally, I cannot agree with you more that the main problematic is the very idea, construct, or perception of "asymmetry" in a relationship. My concern is however not about how that perception or construct came about or whether it is problematic--it definitely is--but rather about the perception being real and consequential on the part of BOTH parties in the relationship, and also about asymmetry being constructed and sustained by assumptions, anxieties, stereotypes, and unequal power and resources. If I am right that the perception of asymmetry, whatever its cultural or other origins, is real and shapes the conduct of both parties then we must analyze it as a point of departure in understanding such relationships of unequal resources, privilege, and power that began differently as equal, horizontal relationships. Thanks as usual for your rigorous engagement.
Moses:
The real problem, to me, is that the argument can only be framed within specific cultures as the intricacies tend to be local than universal. Dell in Austin and Arisekola in Ibadan are both wealthy, but 200 people will not gather in front of Dell’s house in Austin and as they did for Arisekola. Asymmetrical relationships can be maintained in many cultures—as they do in many of them—as the concept itself is mediated by other complicated variables, notably social payments, social transactions, cultural obligations, and social disease (Polanyi formulated the social disease argument in the 1950s), etc. Cultures also allow title taking, polygamy, etc. to “destroy” wealth acquisitions.
TF
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On Jun 27, 2021, at 10:28 AM, 'Biko Agozino' via USA Africa Dialogue Series <usaafric...@googlegroups.com> wrote:
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Moses:
I am actually enjoying this.
The word “friendship” has travelled in time, so that today it is difficult to understand its meaning. I have had long exchanges with Afolayan, the professor, and Afolayan, the sage.
I don’t see Professor Afolayan of UI as my friend, which allows me to scold him. I see Baba Afolayan as my friend which does not allow me to scold him. The relationship is different. He is older than me. One time I needed to release a book to meet a December 17 public launching. I called at Osogbo to go to Ibadan to assist me to proof read it and stay in a hotel. I knew upfront that he would never say “No”.
It is strange to me when someone says he has 3000 friends on social media!
Friendship is a very serious matter. I don’t bother by what people say of me. Indeed, I just dismiss them. But I will bother if a friend says the same of me. Anyone whose burial ceremony I will not attend, come rain, come storm, is not my friend.
In Yoruba culture of the older one, I cannot call a woman my friend. Now they do. I don’t have a single woman friend that we went to school together—a gender-based asymmetry.
And there are mediations of age. I am a patron of associations in Austin, and a younger man will not even seat closer to me, talk less of ever becoming my friend. I love Farooq because of his great intellect, but he is not my friend. Cornelius calls him my deputy and Moses as my successor! I laugh, not knowing that the relationship with Moses and Farooq is constructed on dissent.
You need to develop this into an essay, but ground it, say in Idoma culture. It must be grounded.
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Moses:
I am actually enjoying this.
The word “friendship” has travelled in time, so that today it is difficult to understand its meaning. I have had long exchanges with Afolayan, the professor, and Afolayan, the sage.
I don’t see Professor Afolayan of UI as my friend, which allows me to scold him. I see Baba Afolayan as my friend which does not allow me to scold him. The relationship is different. He is older than me. One time I needed to release a book to meet a December 17 public launching. I called at Osogbo to go to Ibadan to assist me to proof read it and stay in a hotel. I knew upfront that he would never say “No”.
It is strange to me when someone says he has 3000 friends on social media!
Friendship is a very serious matter. I don’t bother by what people say of me. Indeed, I just dismiss them. But I will bother if a friend says the same of me. Anyone whose burial ceremony I will not attend, come rain, come storm, is not my friend.
In Yoruba culture of the older one, I cannot call a woman my friend. Now they do. I don’t have a single woman friend that we went to school together—a gender-based asymmetry.
And there are mediations of age. I am a patron of associations in Austin, and a younger man will not even seat closer to me, talk less of ever becoming my friend. I love Farooq because of his great intellect, but he is not my friend. Cornelius calls him my deputy and Moses as my successor! I laugh, not knowing that the relationship with Moses and Farooq is constructed on dissent.
You need to develop this into an essay, but ground it, say in Idoma culture. It must be grounded.
From:
usaafric...@googlegroups.com <usaafric...@googlegroups.com> on behalf of Moses Ochonu <meoc...@gmail.com>
Date: Sunday, June 27, 2021 at 2:17 PM
To: usaafric...@googlegroups.com <usaafric...@googlegroups.com>
Subject: Re: USA Africa Dialogue Series - Asymmetrical Relationships: A Reflection and Response
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Moses:
Your last sentence shifted the argument:
But the generic invention of patron-client arrangements, along with its expectations and benefits, remains valid and useful because it grounds the mutual expectations at the heart of such relationships.
Patron-Client is far different from your original point. If structured as patron-client, there is no argument to make but shifts to points of insurgency and not friendship, as a client is seeking sabotage moments. My city of birth was one of the most notorious during the nineteenth century. An individual must buy the protection of a warlord if there was no one in his family. Patrons and clients are not friends.
TF
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Biko:
There is no such a thing as “The Igbo have always been Igbo even before Adam and Eve!” You cannot eat your cake and have it. If you accept the Biblical origin mythology, there were no people before then. The Igbo arrived after Adam and Eve!
There have always been people, but Yoruba, Idoma, Igbo, as identities, have always been plastic.
TF
From:
'Biko Agozino' via USA Africa Dialogue Series <usaafric...@googlegroups.com>
Date: Monday, June 28, 2021 at 7:54 AM
To: usaafric...@googlegroups.com <usaafric...@googlegroups.com>
Subject: Re: USA Africa Dialogue Series - Asymmetrical Relationships: A Reflection and Response
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Not to change the brilliant take of Moses, I must quickly add a dimension from some cultures:
When friendship develops over time, strengthened by tests, the terminology changes to “family.” They are no longer friends, but family members. If I want to ground it, I will use local terminologies.
And you can then use marriages to cement it, as my best childhood friend and classmate later married my younger sister, so that Moses’ asymmetry becomes dissolved.
I have told Moses to go full scale into public history as this may actually be where his God-given talent lies. He has a way of saying things that command serious attention.
TF
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Moses:
In what you have just described, terminologies exist but not as in the English word, “friend”. To go back to the Afolayan example, the terminology is that of aburo (junior brother).
Last week, I was with ASUU chairman, Lagos Branch, and he and others refer to Moses Ochonu as Omo Baba (Falola’s son), and the tonality, each time, becomes the code, whether they want to express approval or disapproval. That tone, in many cultures, is significant.
I still don’t know how the project of that asymmetry can be done outside the framework of a specific culture. I have been at UT Austin for 30 years but I won’t use the word “friend” for those that I have known for that long.
TF
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Biko:
Identities are constructed!
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