For future reference if anyone else stumbles upon a similar problem:
I couldn't find a way to download console logs.
But it's possible to open console logs on the slave machine using %BUILD_URL%consoleText
So i executed a post-build-task cmd: start "" "%BUILD_URL%consoleText"
This opens job console plaintext in your default broswer (chrome in my case)
And it just so happens that chrome has an excellent extension called Tampermonkey - which can execute any javascript code on webpage startup.
So i made a bunch of if statements using tampermonkey's javascript which are executed when the console url is opened.
(Beware - there are problems with closing the tab, if you want to close the tab after you're done, put it inside a separate tampermonkey script)
And there it is - fully automated console text parser.