Mansfield Cathokic Comprehensive
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A true-to-life dramatisation of an ordinary catholic school in Mansfield,
England.
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Episode 1 - Peter Goes Bat-shit Crazy
Cast:
Peter Harvey
A 49-year-old catholic-physics teacher with pattern baldness and an
eccentric moustache.
Kathy Shagswell
A 14-y.o. sexually mature pupil with magnificent breasts.
Jack Khazi
A spotty little 14-y.o. chav what fancies Kath something rotten.
DI Adrian Bribeasy
A middle-aged local police officer running to fat.
Scene:
An ordinary church-run school where extraordinary and bogus science is being
indoctrinated. The action begins in the science lab with a close- up of
Peter explaining the Law of Gravity, zooming out to a wide angle from the
back of the class, where Jack and Kathy are sitting talking, as Peter
speaks.
Peter: "...and from this we conclude that the ascension of our Lord Jesus
Christ to heaven is also consistent with Newton's First Law..."
Jack: "Aww c'mon Kath. I really fancy you you know. Everyone says you're up
for it."
Kathy: "I dunno. Watchya gonna give us for it? You got any fags?
Peter: "The Third Law of Newton, himself a devout Christian, is also not
violated, as stated in the New Testament..."
Jack: "I'll thieve some coz I'm, like, dieing to fuckin' see your fanny."
Kathy: "You'll give us the fags first though wontchya?"
Peter: "...where it was scientifically established that our souls are
weightless..."
Jack: "He said arseholes. Waah."
Peter: "Stop talking at the back!"
Kathy: "Wee! Who's he fucking think he's talking to?"
Peter: (shouting) "I SAID QUIET!"
Kathy: "FUCK OFF YOU BALD OLD CUNT."
(Kathy proceeds to rip up her textbooks, her breasts jiggling excitingly as
she does so. A bell rings.)
Peter: "Right, class dismissed." (sotto voce) "Thank christ!"
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
Peter: "Kathy, I want a word with you!"
(As Kathy approaches the front of the class Peter aims a kick at her crotch,
but Kathy parries the blow expertly with her satchel).
Peter: "If you damage church, I mean school, property, your property will
get damaged as well."
Jack: "Oi, don't you talk to my fuckin' bird like that you paedophile
bastard or I'll fuckin' knifecrime you."
Peter: "You fucking little shit. I'm going to fuckin' 'ave you."
(Peter picks up a half-kilo weight from the Newtonian educational scales and
throws it at Jack. His aim is perfect and the weight clocks Jack a corker
right between the eyes, caving in most of his forehead. Jack falls to the
floor writhing in agony. Peter sets upon him, retrieves the weight, and
repeatedly bashes the living fuck out of Jack's head with it, screaming
wildly.)
Peter: "Cuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcunt...."
(Blood pisses everywhere, spraying on the walls, the ceiling, and all over
Kathy. The camera poignantly zooms in to a lingering close-up of rivulets of
Jack's crimson life-juice flowing down and through her exquisite young
clevage . Detective Inspector Bribeasy enters, stage right.)
DI Bribeasy: "Hello, hello, hello. What's all this then?"
(Peter continues his assault on Jack's by now battered and bloody cranium)
Peter: "...cuntcuntcuntcuntyoufuckingcuntcuntcuntcunt"
DI Bribeasy: "You're fucking nicked me old beauty."
THE END
In next week's episode the school gymnasium is torched during a riot bought
about by a large increase in the playground-price of drugs. Jackson
Longcock - an intern standing in for the detained Peter - attempts to calm
the situation by dropping his trousers, exposing his engorged member, and
persuading the pupils he's a human-crackpipe.