ASHES TO ASHES, RUST TO RUST

[FAREWELL, ED!]

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BREAKING NEWS
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MAHANOY CITY, Pa. (Rueters)
-- There were tears and gnashing
of teeth as Ed Conrad was slowly
lowered into the ground this
morning.
"Gone rest his soul," said
Father Guido Sarducci, who told
the thousands at the grave site
that he strongly doubted that
Ed is now in Heaven.
"You can't cause grief to
lots of people -- the atheists,
the evolutionists, the boys at
the Smithsonian -- and think
of going any place other than
Hell," he added.
A final prayer was delivered
by Stephen Colbert who actually
was quite hilarious (as he almost
always is).
Those paying their final
respects threw flowers on the
casket except for one rotten
SOB from the University of
California-Berkeley who had
the audacity to try and take
a crap right behind Ed's tombstone.
He also was heard to utter
the sobering words, "F*ck you,
you Ignorant Prick."
After police were called
to remove the Real Assh*le
from the cemetery, poor Ed
was lowered into the cold,
cold ground.
Actually, the temperature
was near 82 at the time but
it sounds a lot better if
you pretend it was freezing."
Naturally, the FBI had
a visible presence, trying
to figure out who murdered
the world-infamous scientist
whose brilliant discoveries
of petrified human remains
between coal veins proves
that Man Definitely IS as
Old as Coal.
Lest we forget -- those
at the grave site certainly
remembered -- that good ol'
Ed also proved there IS Life
After Death.
As for Ed's sudden demise,
it was thought that he died
of nearly natural causes by
choking on a delicious slice
of Humble Pie while enjoying
dessert at lunch Monday.
However, poison has been
detected in somee remaining
crumbs and all fingers now
point to the Smithsonian
Institution as the villain.
The pie, you see, was hand-
delivered to Ed under the
pretext that the sci-boys
were wishing him a Happy
Birthday.
One of the highlights of
the funeral came when former
President Dick Cheney -- now
affectionately known as Dr.
Evil -- revealed that President
Obama has approved construction
of a giant bronze statue of Ed
in front of the Smithsonian's
main entrance.
Cheney then passed around
copies of an artist's rendition
and almost everyone who saw
it could be heard whispering
that they didn't realize Ed
had such "gorgeous legs."
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