Rodney Photon and the Electromagnetic Warriors
Ashtoreth
for no good reason. It previously appeared in Station! #3 (pub. by Happy
Maggot Graphics, and edited by *me*). Please send any feedback regarding
this story to as...@netcom.com. Thanks!
--Ashtoreth
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Copyright 1988 by William E. Haas II
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(Imagine that the next few paragraphs are streaming at a neat angle
into a starfield while the theme from "Star Wars" is playing in the
background.)
In the frontier days of space exploration, the forces of evil realized
that the universe was so big, so amazingly huge, that the cops could
never find them. They ran rampant across space, turning a once-pure
paradise into the Evil Empire.
An elite class of warriors, led by the intrepid Rodney Photon, pledged
themselves to ridding the Universe of all evil. Rodney, being impossibly
brave and fearless and etc., decided that rather than take out the weaker
and less evil bad guys, they would go to the source of the problem and
take out the unspeakably evil Lord Bloodpsycho.
To Rodney, Lord Bloodpsycho epitomizes the worst sort of evil in the
Universe, and is Rodney's opponent in the classic struggle to save the
Universe from evil in the name of truth, justice, and above all, peace.
And now that this introduction has built up interest in the actual story,
we switch to a scene which at first has no apparent connection to the
story.
(Okay, you can stop imagining the starfield now.)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Everything is shadowy, dim, and gray.
Rodney is bravely but carefully walking through a maze of columnar
forms and billowing gray gauzy material. He carries a simply-designed
sword.
He turns a corner and sees a large circular window looking out onto
space; silhouetted in it is a dim hooded figure. It is Lord Bloodpsycho.
Rodney, having found his quarry at last, marches determinedly towards
Bloodpsycho, whose back is turned. Just before Rodney would have called
out to announce his presence (he wouldnt have attacked from behind; he
is, after all, the good guy), Lord Bloodpsycho whirls around to face
Rodney. Violet bolts of energy surge from Bloodpsycho's fingertips to
engulf Rodney Photon; Rodney buffers the storm until the assault ceases,
then continues forward semi-triumphantly to challenge Lord Bloodpsycho.
In one fluid motion Lord Bloodpsycho lifts an axe from its brackets on
the wall and swings it at Rodney. He dodges the blow; and he and Blood-
psycho battle for some time. Rodney notices that while the axe handle
is wood, his sword does not so much as nick it. At last Lord Bloodpsycho
leaves himself wide open and Rodney puts his sword straight through
the dark lord's chest.
There is no blood. Bloodpsycho does not fall, but neither does he carry
on with the duel.
Rodney releases his sword, which, being firmly implanted in Bloodpsycho's
chest, stays right where he left it. Rodney Photon feels as if he might
go half-mad with shock (dramatic note in background music).
Lord Bloodpsycho reaches up and draws back his hood. He looks suspiciously
like Eddie from Iron Maiden. He removes the blade from his chest. It is
bloodless (even more dramatic note in background music).
Rodney now decides that half-mad just isn't going to be enough and falls
to his knees. Suddenly, he has a vision. It is the girl of his dreams,
Marilyn. She speaks.
MARILYN: [echoey voice, beckoning] "Rodney. . .Rodney!"
RODNEY: [calling out] "Marilyn!"
She holds up Jinx the Farting Cat.
MARILYN: "Rodney, say hi to kitty!"
JINX: "Rrr-ow!!!"
Jinx farts, really loudly.
The vision ends. It has revived Rodney Photon from his shock, and he smiles
angelically as he looks up and notices that Lord Bloodpsycho has taken up
the fight again and is bringing his axe down on Rodney's head. Rodney
screams; this scream gets echoey as the screen suddenly fades to blackness.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Rodney awakes with a start. It was all a dream. He wipes from his brow
the fake sweat that the make-up man sprayed on him seconds earlier.
Rodney stares out into the darkness beyond his cot. In an instant he realizes
that it was an evil dream implanted in his mind by the evil Lord Bloodpsycho,
and he vows once again to rid the Universe of his evil.
RODNEY: "Lord Bloodpsycho, I vow once again to rid the Universe of your
evil!" [gets out of bed and stumbles to bathroom to brush his teeth.]
Various shots of Rodney putting on his Electromagnetic Warrior uniform
(clipping on gadgets, pulling on boots, moussing his hair, etc), while
in the background, 'getting ready to go out and kick some ass' music is
playing. The music reaches a crescendo, a creshendo, a fever pitch as
Rodney Photon unlocks and opens the door to the bathroom. He is resplend-
ant in his red tights and gold-plated space gear. He has his gun, his hair
is styled. He is ready.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Panoramic view of the Electromagnetic Warriors' underground Ultra-Cave,
which is a huge natural cavern filled by the seemingly solid-gold mass of
the Peacemaker, their fantastically powerful warship.
Cut to interior of control room for ship preparations. Rodney strides in,
looks everything over to see that all is running well.
RODNEY: "Got those three thousand Klene-Nukes on board yet?"
NAMELESS WARRIOR #1: "Yes, sir!"
RODNEY: "I don't know what the target is yet, men, but whatever evil place
it may be, i can feel that this will be a great victory for truth, justice,
and above all, peach."
NAMELESS WARRIOR #2: "Uh, that's peace, sir."
RODNEY: "Exactly. Now we must prepare for what is surely to be our most
difficult mission, the vanquishing of the evil Lord Bloodpsycho!"
Groans of protest faintly heard from next room. Rodney, cool guy that he
is, pretends he hasn't heard them.
RODNEY: "Now, in this dark hour, we must regrettably take up our weapons
and test our mettle against the foulest villain the Universe has ever seen.
The Universe depends on us, men. It depends on us to rid it of the un-
thinkable evil of the foul Lord Bloodpsycho!!"
Raspberries and more groans from next room.
RODNEY: "Now, we go!"
Rodney leaves the room. Protests from next room fall silent as he enters,
then rise again as he leaves it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
To speed up the plot, we will now take the dialogue directly from the
paperback version of Rodney Photon and the Electromagnetic Warriors
($3.95, by Googlies House Publishers, available in all fine bookstores*).
* fine bookstore: one that carries the paperback version of Rodney Photon
and the Electromagnetic Warriors.**
** $3.95, by Googlies House Publishers, available in all fine bookstores.*
The great golden starship Peacemaker roars into space, fully armed.
(Sorry, just had to do that last line in script.)
On the bridge, Rodney Photon prepared himself for battle. He had a
glass of orange juice and looked at the scanner readouts. As usual, they
were not helpful. Lord Bloodpsycho was an elusive foe, and would not
be found by something so simple as a [fill in your own scientific jargon].
Nor would he be found by deduction. If there was one thing Rodney knew,
it was that Lord Bloodpsycho and irrational behavior went hand in hand.
Rodney would have to meditate (not 'mediate', you INXS fans).
When he did this, he was more often than not rewarded with arcane
knowledge which more often than not led him to Lord Bloodpsycho.
Rodney tilted back in his seat and relaxed. He emptied his mind of
all thoughts. Weird hypnotic sounds went through his mind. Then all of
a sudden it struck him!
Bloodpsycho was on A-scack-is, also known as Sptune. A-scack-is was
a major tobacco producer as well as the only known world in the entire
Universe which produced the mystical life-extending substance known as
'crack'.
It saddened Rodney to know that such a beautiful, peaceful, and above
all, good world had been corrupted by the likes of Lord Bloodpsycho. But,
Rodney knew, while it may have been good once, it was now under Bloodpsycho's
control, and would have to be treated as such. That thought saddened him
most of all.
Rodney fiddled around with the sub-space radio to see if the armies of
A-scack-is knew of his approach.
"Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a certified public accountant!!..."
Click.
"'Ello, Adolph here for Pleasure Motors. Vhether i'm conquering Poland,
building the mightiest Reich the vorld has ever known, or just going for a
relaxing Sunday drive, I make sure I'm in a Buick Skylark--"
Click.
"--large amount of cement. Yeah, nothing going on in this sector either.
I honestly don't know why they even have us patrol out this far. I mean, who's
going to raid for tobacco? Still, it's a job."
"Yeah, i know. Pretty easy job, but boring as hell. 'Kay, talk to you
later. Patrol Central, out."
Click.
They suspect nothing, thought Rodney. Part of his sensibilites told him
that it was unfair to attack without warning, but in his heart he knew that
Bloodpsycho already knew of the attack, and that if he failed to prepare
his troops for Rodney's attack then their blood was on Bloodpsycho's hands.
With full-throttled ease (made famous in the Heavy Blimp hit single "Ode
to a Dive Bomber" ("For you, gull-winged Valkyrie of the sky/In some Armaged-
donish plot/With olive-drab in green and Sears numberless/Screaming to infinity
with full-throttled ease")), the Peacemaker circled A-scack-is, uneventfully
destroying all of its major cities. While this was happening Rodney meditated
some more to discover where on the planet Lord Bloodpsycho was hiding.
What happened when Rodney Photon meditated was quite interesting and would
make most modern psychiatrists return to their universities and demand refunds
for their degrees. Inside his mind, Rodney floated. He would float through
murky blackness, tendrils of something sliding past him as he allowed his in-
stinct to guide him through the darkness to whatever it was he was trying to
learn. He peered into the darkness, seeing nothing, but definitely sensing some-
thing. The feeling got stronger and he propelled himself toward what he thought
was the source of it. This went on for what seemed an eternity, until he actual-
ly began to see something out there. He closed in on it, and it resolved. It was
a telephone.
The telephone stood on a small decorative table, which stood on nothing at
all. Rodney picked up the receiver and dialed information.
"Hello? Yes, i was wondering if you could tell me where on the planet
A-scack-is the evil Lord Bloodpsycho is hiding."
Pause.
"Oh, okay. Thank you very much."
At this point Rodney awoke to see the last of the major cities of A-scack-is
disappear in a deceptively small and dim flash of light. He finished his orange
juice and said in an authoritative voice, "Take her down, men."
The Peacemaker gently set down with the sound of a thousand new cars being
crushed to pieces. The hatch of the ship swung open equally gently, allowing
Rodney and his warriors to see the place of their possible demise. They had
landed in one of the larger rural towns of A-scack-is. People were panicking,
there was confusion, and there were also several mushroom clouds on the horizon.
Leaving the Electromagnetic Warriors to guard the ship, Rodney strode purpose-
fully towards the showroom of the automobile dealership which the Peacemaker
had just landed on.
Inside his office, the manager of the auto dealership was talking on the
phone, his voice panicky.
"Well, thank God you're all right...Okay, just keep them inside and --"
"Excuse me," said Rodney, "I was wondering if you knew of any dark brooding
characters in hoods who lived in evil castles that might be around here."
The man barely paused to look at Rodney and continued with his conversation.
"They said the residual radiation shouldn't even come near here, dear.
There's no need to panic! Just calm down! I mean, look at me! You don't see me
panicking, do you?"
"Sorry to interrupt," said Rodney, "but this really is important."
"Do you mind?" said the manager. He returned to his conversation again.
"I'll be home just as soon as I can. I've closed the showroom and --"
Rodney grabbed the manager by the lapels of his suit and held him some two
feet above the floor.
"Foul minion of Bloodpsycho, tell me where your evil master is immediately!"
"Look," said the manager, "what's your problem?"
"You will tell me where Lord Bloodpsycho is IMMEDIATELY, or I will not be
held accountable for my further actions!!"
"I dont understand what you're talking about. Look, don't you realize we've
just been attacked with atomic weapons?! I dont know what you mean by--"
Rodney slammed him against the wall.
"WHERE IS HE?!!" he shouted. "Where is your leader?"
"Please," said the manager. "You could try City Hall, but I think they may
have evacuated to a safer--"
Rodney dropped the manager and left. He returned to the ship, where his
warriors were waiting.
"The car dealer was one of Lord Bloodpsycho's minions," said Rodney. "He
says that Bloodpsycho should be in the City Hall." He started striding purpose-
fully again, obviously meaning for the Electromagnetic Warriors to follow.
"He can always tell a minion," said one of the warriors.
"Yeah, amazing," said another.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
At City Hall, the Mayor and his staff were following official procedure in
the event of a nuclear attack. They were bailing out.
"Not so fast."
Rodney stood in the doorway of the mayoral office, wielding his zap gun
and backed up by several of his Electromagnetic Warriors. He wasn't going to
shoot any of the City Hall staff unless they tried anything funny, but since
the funny thing they tried would probably be to shoot at Rodney, it was best
that he had his gun out ahead of time.
"Just like you evil leader-types," said Rodney, "running out on your people
in a crisis."
"Who are you and what are you doing in here?" said a short, balding, but
respect-commanding man who therefore was probably the Mayor.
"You know perfectly well who I am..." said Rodney. He holstered his gun
in the way he was famous for and strode up to the Mayor. He grabbed the Mayor's
lapels. He was going to do the slam-against-the-wall thing again.
"What is in doubt," said Rodney, "is who YOU are!" He picked the Mayor up
and slammed him against the wall. The Mayor rather convincingly pretended that
this hadn't happened and said, "Sir, I am the mayor of this town, and I am not
'running out' on my people; I am following procedure and moving to a safer
area so that this town may still have some form of leadership."
Rodney put the Mayor down.
"Men, i can see we're not going to be able to force the truth from him,"
said Rodney. "Administer the truth drugs."
Just then, the cops broke in and there was a huge gunfight, in which all
the police were killed. Several Electromagnetic Warriors also lost their
lives ("Brave men, all of them," said Rodney Photon). It was really messy and
not worth describing at length because it tends to slow down an already tedious
story. At any rate it gave Rodney Photon the opportunity to say a second time
the incredibly dramatic line, "Administer the truth drugs."
Fifteen minutes later, the Mayor was stoned. Having waited the full fifteen
minutes to make sure the drug had taken effect, Rodney questioned the Mayor.
"Where is Lord Bloodpsycho?" said Rodney.
"Uhhhh....waaaahh...uuuuh," said the Mayor.
"I know you can hear me, villain," said Rodney. "Where is your foul master?"
"Uh, oh yeah, i heard of that one. Far out, man, the room's spinnin'," said
the Mayor.
"Pay attention!" shouted Rodney.
"Lord Blussycho? Yeah, I hearda him. Yeah, I AM him. Yeah, that's it."
"Fiend, I know you are not Lord Bloodpsycho, for he would not have let me
administer the drug," said Rodney.
The Mayor giggled.
"I realize that he is clouding your mind now that we have captured you,
but you must tell us where he is!" said Rodney.
"Oh, wow, man!" said the Mayor suddenly. "I can see this shining castle a
mile high at the edge of this emerald-like forest. There's like this rainbow
and everything. Far out."
Rodney's attention was sparked. "And Lord Bloodpsycho is there?"
"Yeah, man. No, wait. There's danger, 'cause beyond lies the Gorge of
Eternal Peril, man." He giggled again.
"Can you tell us anything else?" said Rodney.
"Yeah. White Castle burgers got holes in 'em," said the Mayor.
"Is that all?" said Rodney, eager to get on with his mission.
"Hey, the Encyclopaedia Brittanica I'm not, man," said the Mayor, who
then tried to pick invisible things out of the air. He caught a few before
he noticed that Rodney had left.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The golden starship Peacemaker took off again, incinerating everything in a
two-mile radius. A shining castle, thought Rodney. A shining white castle. He
had heard nothing of a castle while in meditation. Well, the things he divined
while in meditation often were vague, and he often had to fill in bits of them
himself to make sense of them.
The ship's maps of A-scack-is mentioned nothing about castles. He meditated
some more, but that too was unhelpful. Apparently Lord Bloodpsycho had used
evil enchantments to keep the castle well hidden. Rodney ordered that the ship
be slowly taken up, and the planet scanned for anything vaguely castle-like.
It occurred to him that this would make him visible on radar at about the
same time that the ground-to-air missiles struck the ship, making it swerve at
a funny angle, and making everyone fall to the left in total contradiction to
the amazing artificial gravity with which the ship was equipped.
The engines, which were normally silent, started making noises like bad
Star Trek sound effects and then suddenly stopped. The Peacemaker, like most
sci-fi battleships, was one of the deadliest warships in existence until it
was actually hit, at which point it would usually completely fail to function.
The Peacemaker plummetted earthward (or A-scack-isward, whatever), smoke
streaming from a tiny pinhole in its side.
Rodney struggled with the ship's controls, as if it was likely that he
could alter the movement of the ship's 500,000 tons with a small wheel. When
it became clear (to him) that nothing could be done, he said, "Men, there's
nothing that can be done. Get into the escape ships! I'm going down with the
ship!"
"But sir!" said an Electromagnetic Warrior. "There's plenty of time for
you to escape as well!"
"No," said Rodney dramatically, "I've got to go down with the ship. The
captain always goes down with the ship."
"But sir," the warrior persisted, "you're not a captain, you're just our
leader. You don't have any official ranking..."
"No, I must go down with the ship," said Rodney. The whine of the air being
cut aside by the plummetting ship was getting pretty loud.
"The challenge has been set, and I am bound by my honor to answer," said
Rodney. Behind him, the escape ships detached from the Peacemaker, and in an
amazing bit of dramatic irony, blew their O-rings and fell to bits in the
stratosphere (or one of those -spheres, anyway; i can never get 'em in the
right order anymore). Rodney, oblivious to their departure, continued, shouting
now to be heard above the din.
"Even if it means that I meet a horrible death in the bottom of an impact
crater, my honor is more important than any petty concerns for my own life!!"
he shouted. The ground was getting quite close now, but no landscape features
were recognizable.
"For that is what sets the brave man above the cowards, men!! Their honor!!
I mean, when I think of all--"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The reason no features of the landscape were recognizable was because the
Peacemaker was plummetting towards a wilderness area, and so there was nothing
in it that could be recognized. This also meant that it was impossible to de-
termine one's distance from the ground until one actually hit it. Rodney had
done this, but nevertheless he had no idea where he was at the moment.
The ship struck the ground with an impact that obliterated everything to
the horizon, causing Rodney Photon to suffer a slight concussion. He wandered
around for days in the torrential rains caused by the emissions from his ship.
As he wandered aimlessly, the forest grew back around him, for it was a magical
forest, and could regenerate itself.
For days more, Rodney blundered around the forest in a delirium, occasion-
ally shooting evil trees and shrubs or trying to pick them up by their lapels.
His addled mind thought only of seeking and destroying Lord Bloodpsycho, and
he thought nothing of nourishing himself or tending to his wounds or bathing.
Soon his body could take no more and he crashed to the underbrush, unconscious.
He was discovered by some wood-nymphs who took care of him even though in
his delirium he occasionally shot one or two of them. But he didn't shoot many
of them, and within a few days they had nursed him back to health. However they
feared for their lives and, when he appeared to be almost well again, left Rod-
ney in a wooded glade and got the hell out of there.
Rodney awoke refreshed and eager to destroy the evil Lord Bloodpsycho. He
meditated again to get an idea of what direction he should be going in, and
started off.
The forest gradually started to thin out from a high canopy to trees to
a number of shoulder-high bushes, and eventually to knee-high grasses. Along
the way Rodney found a magic sword, which was lucky, since he had finally used
up all the energy in his zap gun. He also found a magic potion which sustained
him without food or drink, thereby conveniently getting him out of having to
hunt for food while he roamed the planet.
He worked his way into a wilderness that few who lived (or had lived,
anyway) on A-scack-is had ever seen, or had ever realized existed. The grassy
plains that Rodney crossed became more and more rolling. On and on Rodney
Photon walked, until he came to a cliff which overlooked the first in a series
of valleys and mountains. The view was really cool and would have looked great
on film, except, remember, that we have switched to the paperback version of
Rodney Photon and the Electomagnetic Warriors. Shadows of the approaching
storm clouds played over the rollings of the mountain range.
Rodney, seeing that he was either going to have to cross these mountains
or be held back by them (neither prospect being very appealing), held up the
sword and said "Bloodpsycho, you will reveal yourself to me now so that we
may finish this, or it will be known far and wide that you are a coward as
well as evil!"
Suddenly Rodney heard a voice in his head (well, not so much heard it
as felt it; you know how these things are).
"And who is going to tell them?" said the voice. It was evil.
"What do you mean, who's going to tell them?" shouted Rodney. "I will!
I'll scream it from the mountaintops! Those mountaintops!" he said, pointing
to the range in front of him with his sword. He raised the sword dramatically.
"Now that they have made themselves so conveniently present, I will proclaim
your cowardice--"
Rodney got no further as a huge bolt of lightning struck the sword, sim-
ultaneously blinding and deafening Rodney. He lay very still.
After a while he stirred again. He crouched there for a while, gathering
his strength so that he might say something dramatically. After a while, he
did. He stood up, tossing aside the now-melted sword.
"Coward, you have failed again!" shouted Rodney. The amazingly intense
drama of this scene was only slightly marred by the pouring rain that was now
pouring on Rodney from the storm clouds overhead. Luckily Rodney's space
boots were rubber-soled and the bolt hadnt hurt him. The lightning bolt
had partially reflected off of his sword and struck a rock formation, destroy-
ing it to reveal a huge gleaming white castle which, naturally, would have been
unviewable from any other position.
"And the victory is twice as sweet," said Rodney, his voice almost crack-
ing as he realized the dramatic potential of the scene and utilized it, "for
not only have you failed in destroying me, but you have given away the loca-
tion of your evil stronghold in the bargain!"
A small rodent stared at him.
"Now I must sweep down into the valley of death and vanquish you, Blood-
psycho," said Rodney, practically dancing around with triumph, "for I am pledged
to ridding the Universe of your evil in the name of truth, justice, and above
all, peach!" He started to work his way into the first valley.
Behind him, the rodent chirped and scurried away.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The castle was more like a very large office building, and it gleamed be-
cause of the huge plate-glass windows which covered whatever part of its ex-
terior that wasn't made of white marble (it's concrete, really). Rodney ran up
to it, happy that at last he would finally get to actually accomplish something.
Funny, it doesnt look evil, he thought. This is it, he continued to think.
This is the very heart of evil (NOT heart of darkness; that's a different book);
this is the place where I will be tested. Bloodpsycho is here; I can feel his
presence. Wait.....ready...NOW!!
Rodney smashed the glass door and ran in. A couple of sleepy-looking guards
suddenly woke up and moved to stop him. Out of instinct Rodney drew his gun and
zapped the two guards. Luckily the lightning bolt had recharged the gun's bat-
teries. Filled with the exuberance of victorious battle, Rodney charged down the
main foyer of the castle, until he got to the secretary's desk.
"Do you have an appointment?" asked the secretary before Rodney could say
anything. This was bad, because Rodney, being chivalrous, could not pick her
up by her lapels or slam her against the wall or even yell at her very much;
and so he was just going to have to brazen it out and try to get by without
an appointment. He thought of something to say. He said it.
"Yes," said Rodney Photon.
"What time was your appointment, Mr...?" said the secretary.
"Smith," said Rodney, "Rodney P. Smith. Uh, esquire."
Without needing to consult the appointment book, the secretary told Rod-
ney, "I'm afraid that nobody by that name is scheduled for today."
Rodney sweated. This might prove to be his toughest challenge.
"Well, could you just check the book, please. I do have an appointment."
The secretary reached for the book with agonizing slowness and began to
thumb through it. Rodney suppressed the urge to fidget. He gazed down the hall-
way past the secretary's desk and thought how easy it would be to simply make
a break for it and run past the secretary. No, a coward's way out, thought
Rodney. The secretary looked up from the appointment book.
"There's an appointment for a Mr. Hubert Smith..." This was it.
"That's me," said Rodney, starting down the hall. "I've been under a lot
of stress lately and I forgot the rest of my name." He broke into a run, being
sure to remind himself (and the viewers at home) that he was not retreating; he
was eagerly approaching his next challenge.
Realizing that behind him the secretary could be pulling a gun on him, and
realizing how stupid he would look being shot in the back, Rodney, in one poetic
motion crouched down and pivoted on his heel to face the secretary. She stared
after him, then rounded the corner; but as she turned the corner, Rodney could
swear that she didnt so much move out of view as vaporize. He rubbed his eyes
with the hand not holding the gun and jogged up the marble staircase at the end
of the hall.
After three flights he got tired and took the elevator the rest of the
way up.
As is commonly known, Rodney Photon is sensitive to the world of the super-
natural. And since he utilizes this world to fight evil (in the name of truth,
justice, and above all, peace), he naturally becomes more sensitive to it as he
nears whatever goal he has used it to divine. So the incident with the secretary
vaporizing was one of a series of unusual but not entirely unexpected events
which showed Rodney that he was nearing his goal, the evil Lord Bloodpsycho.
The elevator opened to reveal about twelve guards with much bigger guns
than either the previous guards or Rodney had. They shot Rodney's gun out of
his hand, went in and cuffed him.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The next thing Rodney knew he was chained by his hands, feet, and neck
to the ceiling. He was about twelve or so feet up, and below him, striding
about victoriously in an evil way was the Burgher of the castle. Also below
Rodney was a Wendy's Salad Bar germ shield to keep Rodney from spitting on him,
which is what Rodney would have done if the mood of the scene called for it,
and if Rodney was slightly less good than he was then.
"So, you bomb nearly the whole world into oblivion, destroy the sacred
forest, and invade the only capital left untouched and kill half the people
in it, and you want to know why WE attacked YOU?!!"
"You know why I'm here, foul minion of Bloodpsycho!" said Rodney defiant-
ly. "Your evil master makes his home here, and while this was once a good
world, his evil pervades everything here now! Any blame lies squarely on his
shoulders!"
"I thought it was on his hands..." said the Burgher.
"Don't be foolish!" shouted Rodney. "You're going to be in a lot of trouble
very soon. Eventually my deus ex machina escape will come along, and then you
and your evil master will pay dearly for the destruction wrought on this world!"
"You're mad!" said the Burgher. "We're going to kill you soon."
"The people of this world would never allow that."
"They're the ones who called for it. Personally, I'd prefer to torture you
for a good long time."
"So...Bloodpsycho's evil has even absorbed the good citizens of this plan-
et..." said Rodney.
"Anyway, you're not going to be trying anything funny, because we've got--"
At that moment, the Burgher pressed an evil switch on the wall and a screen
lit up, revealing a familiar face. It was--
"Marilyn!" said Rodney, aghast. They had captured her.
"We have captured her," said the Burgher, "because we know of your propens-
ity to escape suddenly and miraculously, and so if you should somehow escape
us, we will make sure that she will not be so fortunate."
A dramatic (what else?) silence filled the cell.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Burgher left the cell, leaving four guards behind. About fifteen
minutes later all the screws holding Rodney's manacles (don't you hate it
when someone screws your manacles?) to the ceiling came loose, dropping Rodney
on top of the Wendy's Salad Bar shield.
Since Rodney made what is known in the thug business as a 'funny move',
the guards fired their zap guns at him, but the Wendy's Salad Bar spit shield
was a wondrous device which could repel any known substance, and it reflected
the shots back onto the guards.
About a minute after that the screws holding the Wendy's Salad Bar spit
shield to the ceiling came loose and dropped Rodney to the floor, where he
grabbed a zap gun and the keys to the cell. He also took the spit shield, and
left the cell.
Luckily the spit shield had a sturdy handle inside it for cleaning pur-
poses, and Rodney wielded it like a body shield as he bravely walked down the
wide corridor towards he knew not what. He paused for a moment, and waited
for an apparition to appear. They always did at about this time, and usually
had something helpful to say on the subject of locating Lord Bloodpsycho.
When it became apparent that no apparition would appear, Rodney contin-
ued to walk bravely down the wide corridor.
"Hey, you!" said a voice behind Rodney.
Rodney spun around and shot at whoever had spoken to him, but since it
was only an apparition, it largely ignored the zap rays which would have
politely killed it, and said to Rodney, "Is it really absolutely necessary
that you find this Bloodpsycho dude, dude?"
"You question my actions?" said Rodney.
"Hey, I know i'm only an ectoplasmic manifestation of a psychokinetic
disturbance in the sub-ether, but I still have to wonder why you're so
keen on wiping Bloodpsycho out."
"I fight for good," started Rodney (patriotic music plays in background).
"I am SWORN to find Lord Bloodpsycho and vanquish him in the name of truth,
justice, and above all, peach--"
"Peace," said the apparition.
"Of course, of course," snapped Rodney. "Anyway, so therefore I really
don't need to consider what motivates me to seek the destruction of Blood-
psycho. It is simply something I must do."
"Yeah, okay," said the apparition, looking around.
"I like to think of myself," said Rodney, really getting into the con-
versation, "as a tool of a higher power; a higher battle between the forces
of good and evil...."
"Yeah, that's cool, yeah," said the apparition. It started to wander down
the corridor towards the cell Rodney had escaped from.
"I mean, I don't feel I'm a tool of some sort of god, although I'm sure
that the spiritual world plays a major role in this somewhere. Like you, for
instance," said Rodney.
"Huh?" said the apparition. It was glancing into the cell Rodney had bro-
ken out of.
"Who sends you and your kind to aid me on my quest to destroy Lord Blood-
psycho?" asked Rodney.
"Wow, you really trashed those guards, didn't you?" said the apparition.
"What? Oh, yeah," said Rodney, slightly proudly. "...anyway, who sends
you to--"
"I've gotta go," said the apparition. "I might be able to make some extra
cash escorting their souls to the underworld."
"Oh. Well, all right. What about my help?"
"I'm sorry?"
"The hint you're supposed to give me to help me in my quest to vanquish
the unendingly evil--"
"Oh, that. Try the third door on the left," said the apparition, pointing
to it.
"That one?" said Rodney, also pointing to it. "Thanks," he said, but when
he turned around the apparition had gone.
Rodney tried the door. It was unlocked. He opened the door and was thrown
back against the wall as a blistering stream of zap rays poured out of the
door, and poured more specifically out of the barrels of two zap guns wielded
by two Schwarzeneggerish guards who stood in the doorway.
Rodney got off a couple of good shots and took them down.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(Since it benefits the dramatic value of this overly long story (and it needs
all the help it can get at this point, I'm sure you'll agree), we now switch
back to the script version of Rodney Photon and the Electromagnetic Warriors.)
Rodney apprehensively crawls out from under transparent shield. Nothing
further appears to be happening. He lets the shield fall from his hand.
Rodney goes to the door. His eyes, addled by the brightness of the ferocious
zap gun attack, find it difficult to make out anything in this room. Then
his vision clears. He sees that Marilyn is in here.
(Light, dreamy music, fairly romantic.)
RODNEY: [exuberant] "Marilyn!"
Marilyn sees Rodney.
MARILYN: [also exuberant] "Rodney!"
Rodney trips lightly past the blasted corpses of the guards to embrace
Marilyn. She meets him halfway.
They kiss passionately but chastely.
(And now, back to the paperback version of Rodney Photon and the Electromagnetic
Warriors (see above for purchasing information).
Rodney Photon took Marilyn's hand and led her out the door. Since Lord
Bloodpsycho's evil was everywhere, their escape would not go unnoticed.
They rushed down the wide corridor, looking for the way out. Unfortunately
the apparition hadn't been very helpful on that point.
"Where are we going, Rodney?" said Marilyn.
"I've got to get you out of here," said Rodney.
"But we can't leave yet."
"Why not?...Oh. Forget about Bloodpsycho. What's more important is that
I get you out of here."
"But--"
"No, I must make sure that you're safe, and that's all there is to it.
Even if it means that I must forsake my sacred purpose in life, I can overlook
this interruption of my quest."
"But we can't leave without-- wait a minute. Are you saying that it's my
fault that you can't stay and challenge Lord Bloodpsycho?"
"Get down!" yelled Rodney as a phalanx of guards rounded the corner and
raised their guns. Rodney and Marilyn ducked behind a small potted plant.
"Rodney, are you blaming me for your not being able to fight Bloodpsycho?"
said Marilyn. Around them the zap rays messed with the molecular structure of
the plant.
"Huh?" said Rodney, preoccupied with the more dangerous of the two fights.
"No, not at all. I merely meant that I'm not going to get mad about having to
put off fighting Bloodpsycho." He zapped a few guards.
"And why should you get mad?" said Marilyn, practically shrieking in
Rodney's ear. "It's not like it's my fault that I was kidnapped by them. I
didn't call them up and say, 'Oh, please come and abduct me so Rodney has to
actually think about his girlfriend before he thinks about some weirdo mission
he's never successfully completed after three hundred tries.' Which reminds me
of another thing about our relationship--"
"That hurts, you know that?" said Rodney, zapping some more guards. "It
isn't easy saving the whole universe, you know. It's the WHOLE universe, not
just little bits of it." Rodney quickly turned and zapped a guard who had
broken through the crossfire and was about to bayonet him. "And when I've
got to cope with all that and then I find out the Bloodpsycho has captured
the woman I love and I have to worry about getting her out safe, I'm gonna
get mad about something!"
"Oh, Rodney, do you really mean that?" said Marilyn.
"Yes!" said Rodney, secretly breathing a sigh of relief. "I'm not mad at
YOU, I'm just MAD. I mean, i'm not crazy, but I'm just really angry that Blood-
psycho is going to get away AGAIN. Of course it's not your fault, 'cause he's
the one who kidnapped you in the first place."
Yeah, you're lucky this time, thought Marilyn. "Good, so it was all just
a silly misunderstanding," said Marilyn.
They kissed passionately but chastely as Rodney zapped the last of the
guards. The elevator was guarded, so they took the stairs down to the lobby.
Because all doors in stairways of tall buildings are locked from the inside,
Rodney had to shoot the lock off, and by an amazing piece of luck zapped the
guard on the other side of the door through the keyhole. They ran out into
the sunshine of the courtyard in front of the building.
"Rodney, I just remembered why we can't leave yet!" said Marilyn sud-
denly. "They've got kitty!"
"The fiends!" said Rodney Photon. He looked around for a safe-looking
bush for Marilyn to hide out behind, and stationed her at it. "Take my gun,"
he said, handing it to her. "Well, It's not really MY gun, but it's the one
I've been using..."
"Okay," said Marilyn. "Rodney, be careful. I love you."
"I love you too," said Rodney (sappy music swirls to one of them crescendo
things). He raced back into the building.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The elevator was unguarded from there, so Rodney pressed the 'up' button.
The elevator arrived and Rodney got in, whereupon it promptly went down. He had
wanted to go up, so this alarmed him slightly. The doors opened onto a dimly lit
parking garage. Rodney disembarked, and cautiously walked out into the garage.
There were no cars in it at all. The columns which kept the upstairs upstairs
crept past him like any other object that one walks by. Since he was unarmed
(a situation he was definitely not used to), the atmosphere of the place was
getting to him.
He poked some garage litter around with his foot and decided that Jinx
probably wasn't in the garage when a voice shouted "Don't move!!!". It was
heavily amplified by the previously crypt-silent garage and Rodney jumped.
Standing about twenty feet away from Rodney, between him and the only visi-
ble door to the place, was the Burgher of the white castle. The Burgher was
holding what appeared to be some sort of weapon. Rodney didn't know what it was.
"Do you know what this is?" said the Burgher. "I'll tell you. It's a
Jinx Phaser. A Jinx Phaser is a leaf blower with Jinx the Farting Cat hooked
up to it."
And this was in fact what it appeared to be. It was a perfectly ordinary
leaf blower, except that where the motor had been was now strapped Jinx the
Farting Cat, wearing a muzzle.
"You have caused us more than enough trouble, and now I'm quite simply
going to kill you." He raised the Jinx Phaser and aimed it at Rodney.
"Rrr-mmph," said Jinx the Farting Cat.
"You would shoot at an unarmed man with said man's girlfriend's cat?" said
Rodney, incredulous. "What a thoroughly fiendish thing to do. Why, you're not
simply a minion of Lord Bloodpsycho; you must be Bloodpsycho himself!!"
"Goodbye, Rodney Photon," said the Burgher.
"Rrrm-rack," said Jinx the Farting Cat.
The Burgher switched the Jinx Phaser on.
Then things started happening too quickly for Rodney Photon to follow.
A jet of phosphorescent orange liquid streamed out of the back of the
Jinx Phaser, hitting the Burgher in the face and chest. The Burgher let out
a gurgly shriek and fell backwards, dropping the Jinx Phaser. Jinx was dis-
lodged from the Phaser and trotted off and banged her head into a column.
Suddenly, except for the Burgher's weak groans, all was very quiet again.
Rodney looked on in horror. The Burgher's face and upper body appeared
to be melting away, even as he groaned about the pain.
"She puked!" the Burgher moaned. "I knew we should have allowed for that.
Must every super-weapon have a drawback?!"
Jinx trotted over to the Burgher and started to lap up regurgitated Moist
Meals. Rodney looked away in disgust.
"Nice kitty," said the Burgher. "Gotcha!! ...there."
When Rodney looked back again he saw that the Burgher had wrapped a piece
of silver duct tape around Jinx's rear end.
"There, now I've set the Jinx Phaser on overload. You're going to die after
all. So am I, but there's nothing that can be done about that now." said the
Burgher, and died.
The duct tape was unremovable, and Jinx was already looking a little uncom-
fortable. There would be no saving her. He switched his attention from Jinx
the Farting Cat to the corroded body of the Burgher. Suddenly his eyes widened
with realization.
"White castle Burghers have holes in them," said Rodney Photon.
"The Burgher is dead!!" shouted the guard who had witnessed the last few
moments. "Everybody run for it!" The guard slapped a large button on the wall
marked 'Destructo-Fail-Safe.' The guard then ran into the elevator and pressed
the 'door close' button, but it was working perfectly and allowed Rodney to run
through the doors before they closed.
The guard pulled his gun, but Rodney grabbed the guard's wrist before he
could fire and wrested the gun out of his hand.
At that point, a horribly loud noise began somewhere in the garage.
"What's that noise?" said Rodney, pointing the gun at the guard.
"Oh, real brave, holding a gun on an unarmed man," said the guard.
"I'm not going to shoot you," said Rodney.
"Which is why you have the gun pointed at me."
"It's to make sure that you don't run away."
"Yeah, plenty of places to hide in this elevator, right?"
"Shut up. What's that noise?"
"That's the Destructo-Fail-Safe. It destroys the building."
"Why not wait for Marilyn's cat to destroy it first? What actually IS it?"
"The Jinx Phaser is on overload?!! Oh God!! We've got to get out of here!!"
The guard pushed the 'up' button.
"WHAT IS IT?!!" shouted Rodney.
"Listen for yourself, we've got nothing to lose now," said the guard, hit-
ting the intercom switch. Extremely loud musiclike sounds came through it.
"I drink to excess/I've got to confess/When I'm raising the dead/And bang-
ing my head/To a Burton-Hetfield-Ulrich-Hammett EXPRESS!!!" said the intercom
speaker, followed by a screaming guitar solo.
"This building isn't going to hold up long," said Rodney Photon.
"Yeah, great, huh? It's Heavy Blimp," said the guard, who had started
thrashing.
The elevator arrived in the lobby. The doors slid open to reveal several
guards with their guns drawn. They looked nervous about hanging around in a
building which was obviously about to collapse.
'Thrash Or Die' ended, and 'Deutschland Uber Alles' started up.
"Stop that," said Rodney. The guard stopped thrashing.
"Listen to me," said Rodney to the other guards. "If you don't grant me
safe passage, this guard will..."
Rodney struggled to think of some way of saying that he would kill his
hostage without actually saying that.
"...come to a bad end," finished Rodney.
"I thought you said you weren't going to shoot me?" said the guard. "How
are you going to kill me if you're not going to shoot me? It's not like you're
good at anything else."
"When that cat goes, you're going to die," said Rodney.
"So are you," said the guard.
"Yes...." said Rodney.
"So that's a bit of a flaw in your plans, isn't it?" said the guard.
"Look, just shut up, okay?!" shouted Rodney.
"What if I don't?" said the guard. "What are you going to do, shoot me?"
Bits of plaster dust were falling from the ceiling now. It was one of those
tense silent moments, except for the fact that the quasi-melodic strains of
Heavy Blimp were roaring through the building at unholy decibels.
"They made us their pawns; no, they made us their SLAVES," shouted Harry
Zaxxon, the group's lead, "took away our weapons and told us what to do/And
we were wronged, but now we have new might/And they see blood will spill before
this is through!" It was very mood-ruining.
"There's no reason for you going after Lord Bloodpsycho anyway," said the
guard suddenly.
"WHAT?!!" said Rodney, his sensibilities highly offended.
"Oh, sorry to offend your sensibilities," said the guard.
Rodney picked up the guard by his lapels and slammed him against the wall.
"Deutscheland Uber Alles...never again/Vengeful new incarnation of the
Reich!" screamed Harry Zaxxon.
"I am SWORN--my very reason for existence is to clease the Universe of
the evil of Lord Bloodpsycho," said Rodney, still holding the guard against
the wall, "and I shall not rest until he is destroyed! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"
"Deutsheland Uber Alles...never again/Revenge is our religion and the
Fuehrer is our Christ!" shouted Harry, followed by an awful guitar mini-solo.
The walls groaned. Rodney put the guard down, tired of holding him up.
"You're crazy, man," said the guard. "Bloodpsycho is a figment of your
imagination."
"He is certainly real, and I will destroy him!!" bellowed Rodney.
"Man, there is no Lord Bloodpsycho! He's a figment of your imagination!
You're a paranoid, man! This is all a delusion! All those times that you thought
you were destroying 'incarnations of Bloodpsycho' you were killing innocent
people!"
Rodney choked up on the lapels and picked up the guard, but did not slam
him against the wall again. Instead, he told him this...
"Minion of Bloodpsycho, if I were not certain that your evil soul would
plummet to the nether regions the very INSTANT I destroyed your dark master,
I would kill you right here and now!!" said Rodney Photon.
"Fuck you!" said the guard.
Rodney put the guard down, went to the elevator doors, and shouted, "The
Jinx Phaser is on overload!"
The guards, already unhappy with their task, dropped their guns and ran.
"Taking puny nations one by one/Enemies and turncoat allies alike," shout-
ed Harry Zaxxon. The walls started to skew.
"Watch for your life," said Rodney. "I'm leaving."
He walked out of the building instead of running, looking brave as hell
because of it.
Marilyn rushed up to greet him. The guards had not found her (well, ob-
viously).
"Oh, Rodney!" said Marilyn. "Thank goodness you're safe! Where's kitty?"
"She could not be saved. It was terrible," said Rodney.
"Oh, that's okay," said Marilyn. "I didn't like her that much anyway."
"Fall to your knees before the might of our vengeance!" shouted Harry
Zaxxon, "Know your defeat at the hands of the R--"
The music abruptly stopped as the entire building collapsed into the base-
ment. Rodney shielded Marilyn, anticipating the detonation of Jinx as well,
but nothing further happened once the building caved in.
"Come," said Rodney, "we must leave at once! Bloodpsycho has unleashed
a horrible weapon that will destroy this planet. We must find a ship."
"Don't worry," said Marilyn. "I called a cab."
A couple of minutes later a Galacticab touched down in the courtyard of
the ruined building. Rodney and Marilyn got in, and the cab whisked them away
from A-scack-is.
"Is Lord Bloodpsycho really destroyed this time?" said Marilyn as they
parked a safe distance from the planet.
"I thought I'd killed him while in his Burgher form, but he is tricky,"
said Rodney. "If he's on that planet then it's all up for him."
Just then, A-scack-is exploded, making very pretty colors.
Rodney Photon and Marilyn kissed passionately but chastely.
END
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Acknowledgements to Jason "Don't be throwin' that ball back here by this expens-
ive transducer equipment" Merritt for the 'Ode to a Dive Bomber' lyrics.
--
Ashtoreth (Ashy): fur that won't quit/foxes/5essential Chuck _ _ _.'._ _ _
Taylors/Volkoff cup/BIG UGLY CARS/"you must make a friend of '-.<o> .-`
horror"/malachite/hitler+elvis+jinx=comedy/"eet's so BEEG!"/ .'-' `-`.
ah yeaah three/in the mind/steel springs beneath velvet/foxy A O C
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"My car is the car of Death." --H. P. Lovecraft