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Tarzan and Jane
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anim8rfsk
Jan 6, 2017, 6:58:06 PM1/6/17
to
Sigh. The Netflix really really really wants me to watch this. E-mails
announcing it, electronic notifications everywhere, it was added to my
list, opening the Netflix app features it.
So, okay, fine.
I had thought it would be the horrible art that would be the dealbreaker
here, but it's almost palatable compared to the writing.
A jet plane crashes in equatorial Africa, unnoticed by anybody but the
great ape Kala. She brings the singed baby she finds in the wreckage to
a native village where Dr. Porter, a white man with a weird unplaceable
accent, is trying to combine the idiotic native remedies he has deep
respect for (this plant will cure any earache!) with modern medicine.
He keeps a bunch of open flasks that glow in the dark containing ...
what, I'm not sure. Anyway, Kala hands the baby over to the native
Shaman (none of these people noticed the plane crash?) who tries to save
it's life by putting it outside in the rain and smearing gunk on it's
forehead (deep respect for his remedies my ass). Porter runs (really
really fast) to his hut where he grabs three of the glowing flasks and
they smear them all over the baby, imbuing him with the powers of the
mighty lion, the mighty gorilla, and the mighty ... leopard!
Okay, wait just a damn minute. Porter has glowing open flasks of
distilled essence of jungle animals in his medicine cabinet? What the
Hell? And if you're going to give Tarzan the magic powers of three
animals, aren't lions and leopards sort of redundant? Shirley we can
think of a more interesting third choice. Snakes, eagles (or whatever
the equatorial Africa equivalent is), rhinos, elephants, *something*
Anyway, the potions turn the baby's eyes blue, because that's what you
associate with lion/gorilla/leopards. The next morning they tell Porter
the baby is gone (he assumes dead) and hand it back to Kala to raise,
because ... reasons. Baby Tarzan immediately exhibits the power to grow
finger and toenails for climbing, and starts assuming poses stolen
directly from Spider-Man comics. Did I mention the was created by the
ousted former head of Marvel Films? That they finally got good after
they got rid of?
TEN YEARS LATER
The Shaman, and Tarzan's older brother, a (presumably) 18 year old black
kid in white man's clothing who came out of nowhere and I have NO idea
who he is, come out to teach Tarzan by bribing him with comic books to
study. Tarzan doesn't want to learn to read and write which makes his
affinity for comics somewhat perplexing, and shouldn't they have been
doing this YEARS before?
Now back at the village a girl with a blonde pony tail and glasses shows
up, and I have NO idea who the Hell she is either. She's talking about
her thesis topic, so presumably she's twice Tarzan's age... okay, she's
'Emily' one of Porter's 'students' at London University, where the black
kid who's name I can't make out is going to go. Wackiness ensues as the
villagers struggle to keep Tarzan a secret from Porter because ...
reasons.
Suddenly the sound of a baby rhinoceros fills the jungle! Tarzan
rescues it from a (presumably) poacher pit (he has all these magic
powers that he invokes by glowing purple, because purple is the color
you associate with the lion/gorilla/leopard hybrid). Tarzan attacks the
poachers (who only use tranq guns) and crushes their weapons with his
bear (pun intended) hands. He then has the mom rhino destroy their cage
and tells them to get lost.
Meanwhile, Porter's annoying blonde 'student' is looking at all the
movies she took with her still camera that clearly went 'click' every
time she took a still photo, and the sounds of Tarzan on her computer
intrigue her.
Further meanwhile, the poachers report to their shadowy boss, who orders
them to capture Tarzan and bring him in alive.
And ... that's the end of the first episode of Tarzan and Jane, which
you might notice was totally devoid of what's her name.
--
Join your old RAT friends at
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1688985234647266/
announcing it, electronic notifications everywhere, it was added to my
list, opening the Netflix app features it.
So, okay, fine.
I had thought it would be the horrible art that would be the dealbreaker
here, but it's almost palatable compared to the writing.
A jet plane crashes in equatorial Africa, unnoticed by anybody but the
great ape Kala. She brings the singed baby she finds in the wreckage to
a native village where Dr. Porter, a white man with a weird unplaceable
accent, is trying to combine the idiotic native remedies he has deep
respect for (this plant will cure any earache!) with modern medicine.
He keeps a bunch of open flasks that glow in the dark containing ...
what, I'm not sure. Anyway, Kala hands the baby over to the native
Shaman (none of these people noticed the plane crash?) who tries to save
it's life by putting it outside in the rain and smearing gunk on it's
forehead (deep respect for his remedies my ass). Porter runs (really
really fast) to his hut where he grabs three of the glowing flasks and
they smear them all over the baby, imbuing him with the powers of the
mighty lion, the mighty gorilla, and the mighty ... leopard!
Okay, wait just a damn minute. Porter has glowing open flasks of
distilled essence of jungle animals in his medicine cabinet? What the
Hell? And if you're going to give Tarzan the magic powers of three
animals, aren't lions and leopards sort of redundant? Shirley we can
think of a more interesting third choice. Snakes, eagles (or whatever
the equatorial Africa equivalent is), rhinos, elephants, *something*
Anyway, the potions turn the baby's eyes blue, because that's what you
associate with lion/gorilla/leopards. The next morning they tell Porter
the baby is gone (he assumes dead) and hand it back to Kala to raise,
because ... reasons. Baby Tarzan immediately exhibits the power to grow
finger and toenails for climbing, and starts assuming poses stolen
directly from Spider-Man comics. Did I mention the was created by the
ousted former head of Marvel Films? That they finally got good after
they got rid of?
TEN YEARS LATER
The Shaman, and Tarzan's older brother, a (presumably) 18 year old black
kid in white man's clothing who came out of nowhere and I have NO idea
who he is, come out to teach Tarzan by bribing him with comic books to
study. Tarzan doesn't want to learn to read and write which makes his
affinity for comics somewhat perplexing, and shouldn't they have been
doing this YEARS before?
Now back at the village a girl with a blonde pony tail and glasses shows
up, and I have NO idea who the Hell she is either. She's talking about
her thesis topic, so presumably she's twice Tarzan's age... okay, she's
'Emily' one of Porter's 'students' at London University, where the black
kid who's name I can't make out is going to go. Wackiness ensues as the
villagers struggle to keep Tarzan a secret from Porter because ...
reasons.
Suddenly the sound of a baby rhinoceros fills the jungle! Tarzan
rescues it from a (presumably) poacher pit (he has all these magic
powers that he invokes by glowing purple, because purple is the color
you associate with the lion/gorilla/leopard hybrid). Tarzan attacks the
poachers (who only use tranq guns) and crushes their weapons with his
bear (pun intended) hands. He then has the mom rhino destroy their cage
and tells them to get lost.
Meanwhile, Porter's annoying blonde 'student' is looking at all the
movies she took with her still camera that clearly went 'click' every
time she took a still photo, and the sounds of Tarzan on her computer
intrigue her.
Further meanwhile, the poachers report to their shadowy boss, who orders
them to capture Tarzan and bring him in alive.
And ... that's the end of the first episode of Tarzan and Jane, which
you might notice was totally devoid of what's her name.
--
Join your old RAT friends at
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1688985234647266/
Dimensional Traveler
Jan 6, 2017, 9:48:21 PM1/6/17
to
On 1/6/2017 3:57 PM, anim8rfsk wrote:
> Sigh. The Netflix really really really wants me to watch this. E-mails
> announcing it, electronic notifications everywhere, it was added to my
> list, opening the Netflix app features it.
>
> So, okay, fine.
>
Because that worked out so well with 'Fuller House.'
> Sigh. The Netflix really really really wants me to watch this. E-mails
> announcing it, electronic notifications everywhere, it was added to my
> list, opening the Netflix app features it.
>
> So, okay, fine.
>
--
Running the rec.arts.TV Channels Watched Survey.
Winter 2016 survey began Dec 01 and will end Feb 28
anim8rfsk
Jan 6, 2017, 10:15:28 PM1/6/17
to
anim8rfsk
Jan 6, 2017, 11:14:55 PM1/6/17
to
Episode 2: TARZAN MEET JANE (apparently they're going for the broken
English schtick even though they aren't writing the dialog that cleverly)
Directed by Jessie Lickman (write your own joke here)
Tarzan effortlessly outpaces a racing cheetah (meaning he must go like
100mpg) leaving behind a telltale purple streak, and yells ... something
completely unintelligible, as so much of the dialog on this show is. At
this point I give up and check to see if there are subtitles ... there
are! In several languages! And ... descriptive audio! In 5.1! I go
for it!
Okay, they explain all this stuff with the eye color ... I swear he's
reading the entire script!
The descriptive audio says it's a cheetah. The subtitles say it's a
leopard. Oh well. "Run for the trees!" was the dialog I couldn't make
out.
Poachers chase them. It's a good thing I turned on a guy reading the
script, because the animation doesn't support what's supposed to be
happening *at all* Somehow Tarzan swings on a vine over the poachers'
jeep, and the trailing end of the vine, through mechanisms unknown to
man, wraps itself around their waists and pulls them from the vehicle.
There's *no* way to know that's what's supposed to have happened from
watching.
"Muviro" is the black kid's name. He's cooking something. Tarzan drops
in. He's made stew but Tarzan can't come to the village so he's brought
it ... somewhere. I guess maybe Tarzan has a treehouse, but there's no
establishing shot of it, so I don't know where the Hell they are.
Descriptive guy says that Tarzan's blue eyes change color to signal what
animals powers he's using. Here they go orange to signify that he's
using magical cat x-ray zoom vision. The hunters that think the
gorillas nest (do gorillas nest?) means Tarzan may be nearby (um, how
about in that big hut?). Tarzan torments them which is actually the
kind of thing he liked to do in the book. The camera zooms into
Tarzan's mouth and zooms out FIVE YEARS LATER. Huh?
Older Tarzan still has the stupid dreadlocks. Now guys in loud
Hawai'ian shirts are using a drone to chase parrots.
Meanwhile in the city at night in the huge G building, an old man sees
the picture the drone transmitted and decides Tarzan must be his
grandson. Oh, that's what the huge neon G is for - GRANDPA! :D
Doctor Porter makes his annual visit and this time instead of bringing
along a blonde 'student' he brings his brunette daughter Jane (yes, they
got her hair color wrong. Tarzan's too for that matter). Porter has
brought pharmaceutical reps, not realizing they're evil, because
Porter's just that stupid. Jane's mother works in movies, and Jane's an
idiot and instantly gets lost. Tarzan saves her from a panther, yelling
the Tarzan yell at times when he not only shouldn't but couldn't. Being
completely safe high in the trees, Tarzan decides to go back down and
fight the panther, scaring him off by changing his eye colors.
Okay, this is actually cute. Idiot Jane assumes Tarzan speaks broken
English so she talks that way to him, and he uses the broken speech back
to her, playing along.
Tarzan takes her home where everybody but Porter sees Tarzan because
Porter is just that stupid.
Tarzan swings from a series of vines that hang down from far above the
highest tree top, like Spider-Man used to do in the original cartoon,
where Stan Lee said he must be swinging from passing dirigibles.
In the village, Porter asks about the ape boy that saved Jane because in
the previous scene everybody promised to never let him know.
Jane visits the medicinal orchid grove that blonde 'student' found 5
years ago and goes walkies with Tarzan. Jane explains she likes to put
peanut butter on every slice of apple which explains why she's so
stupid. Why does she speak like some moronic valley girl when her
father is British? Tarzan teaches Jane to vine swing while Tarzan
yelling, which she can do instantly just as well as him, despite not
being blessed with magic lion/goilla/leopard powers. Far too much time
is spent extolling the wonderfulness of peanut butter - whoever wrote
this has a Jimmy Carter agenda. Tarzan takes Jane home to meet the apes
nest. Finally we see the treehouse!
As Tarzan walks Jane home at night, an evil red helicopter appears!
Descriptive guy says it's the evil pharmaceutical reps, which is good,
because there's no other way to know, but where did they get an evil red
helicopter? Tarzan and Jane make a run for it, but Jane, in the best
tradition of idiot heroines, *instantly* catches her foot in a
convenient coiled rope (invisible to the casual viewer) and takes a fall
and is unable to do anything but yell for help. Evil red helicopter
snatches Tarzan in a magical net that you can drop from an evil red
helicopter, it self deploys, wrapping itself around the prey on the
ground, and goes back up to the evil red helicopter. Porter tells Jane
that this wasn't her fault because Porter is just that stupid. Somehow
everybody on the ground knows that that evil red helicopter in the dark
was not only full of pharmaceutical reps, but that they were actually
fakes. They must not only be watching the show with me, but listing to
the descriptive text as well, AND doing outside reading, 'cause I sure
didn't know they were fakes.
Back in the city, it turns out that Grandpa (who has everything marked
with a G) sent the evil red helicopter (which has it's stuff marked with
an H). They take Tarzan to G mansion. G knows all about how Kala
raised Tarzan, even though there's no possible way he could. They do a
lot of putting hands on shoulders in this, even though they slip and
slide like crazy because they don't have the tech to pull it off. They
do an extreme close up on Tarzan's face, far closer than advisable. It
looks like he's wearing Egyptian hieroglyphic eye makeup. Tarzan
notices on G's watch that it's after midnight, even though we've been
given no reason to assume that Tarzan has any concept of time telling.
And Š it ends.
In future episodes (that I won't be watching)
3: In the Urban Jungle
While navigating the challenges of high school and urban living in
London, Tarzan teams up with Jane to uncover an animal trafficking ring.
4: Dangerous Rescue
Tarzan and Jane face off against the animal traffickers, then, with help
from Tarzan's grandfather, devise a way to get the panthers Š
5: The Betrayal
After Tarzan rescues victims of a suspicious fire at a Greystoke
warehouse in London, reporters, including Jane's mom, accuse the earl of
Š
FLAG ON THE PLAY - Jane's mom is in the movies! How did she get to be a
reporter???
6: By Air and by Sea
Tarzan, Jane and the earl face more sabotage when they discover someone
has planted toxic pesticides at the Greystoke organic farm in Š
7: Chasing the Mastermind
While tracking the mastermind in Morocco, Tarzan and Jane learn that
Greystoke bulldozers have been stolen and are headed ..
8: Showdown in the Jungle
Tarzan and Jane fight to stop the poachers from bulldozing the village,
then set off to rescue the kidnapped Kala from a trap.
VERDICT
It's not awful, but it shouldn't have taken much effort to actually make
it good, either. I gave it 2 out of 5 Netflix stars.
English schtick even though they aren't writing the dialog that cleverly)
Directed by Jessie Lickman (write your own joke here)
Tarzan effortlessly outpaces a racing cheetah (meaning he must go like
100mpg) leaving behind a telltale purple streak, and yells ... something
completely unintelligible, as so much of the dialog on this show is. At
this point I give up and check to see if there are subtitles ... there
are! In several languages! And ... descriptive audio! In 5.1! I go
for it!
Okay, they explain all this stuff with the eye color ... I swear he's
reading the entire script!
The descriptive audio says it's a cheetah. The subtitles say it's a
leopard. Oh well. "Run for the trees!" was the dialog I couldn't make
out.
Poachers chase them. It's a good thing I turned on a guy reading the
script, because the animation doesn't support what's supposed to be
happening *at all* Somehow Tarzan swings on a vine over the poachers'
jeep, and the trailing end of the vine, through mechanisms unknown to
man, wraps itself around their waists and pulls them from the vehicle.
There's *no* way to know that's what's supposed to have happened from
watching.
"Muviro" is the black kid's name. He's cooking something. Tarzan drops
in. He's made stew but Tarzan can't come to the village so he's brought
it ... somewhere. I guess maybe Tarzan has a treehouse, but there's no
establishing shot of it, so I don't know where the Hell they are.
Descriptive guy says that Tarzan's blue eyes change color to signal what
animals powers he's using. Here they go orange to signify that he's
using magical cat x-ray zoom vision. The hunters that think the
gorillas nest (do gorillas nest?) means Tarzan may be nearby (um, how
about in that big hut?). Tarzan torments them which is actually the
kind of thing he liked to do in the book. The camera zooms into
Tarzan's mouth and zooms out FIVE YEARS LATER. Huh?
Older Tarzan still has the stupid dreadlocks. Now guys in loud
Hawai'ian shirts are using a drone to chase parrots.
Meanwhile in the city at night in the huge G building, an old man sees
the picture the drone transmitted and decides Tarzan must be his
grandson. Oh, that's what the huge neon G is for - GRANDPA! :D
Doctor Porter makes his annual visit and this time instead of bringing
along a blonde 'student' he brings his brunette daughter Jane (yes, they
got her hair color wrong. Tarzan's too for that matter). Porter has
brought pharmaceutical reps, not realizing they're evil, because
Porter's just that stupid. Jane's mother works in movies, and Jane's an
idiot and instantly gets lost. Tarzan saves her from a panther, yelling
the Tarzan yell at times when he not only shouldn't but couldn't. Being
completely safe high in the trees, Tarzan decides to go back down and
fight the panther, scaring him off by changing his eye colors.
Okay, this is actually cute. Idiot Jane assumes Tarzan speaks broken
English so she talks that way to him, and he uses the broken speech back
to her, playing along.
Tarzan takes her home where everybody but Porter sees Tarzan because
Porter is just that stupid.
Tarzan swings from a series of vines that hang down from far above the
highest tree top, like Spider-Man used to do in the original cartoon,
where Stan Lee said he must be swinging from passing dirigibles.
In the village, Porter asks about the ape boy that saved Jane because in
the previous scene everybody promised to never let him know.
Jane visits the medicinal orchid grove that blonde 'student' found 5
years ago and goes walkies with Tarzan. Jane explains she likes to put
peanut butter on every slice of apple which explains why she's so
stupid. Why does she speak like some moronic valley girl when her
father is British? Tarzan teaches Jane to vine swing while Tarzan
yelling, which she can do instantly just as well as him, despite not
being blessed with magic lion/goilla/leopard powers. Far too much time
is spent extolling the wonderfulness of peanut butter - whoever wrote
this has a Jimmy Carter agenda. Tarzan takes Jane home to meet the apes
nest. Finally we see the treehouse!
As Tarzan walks Jane home at night, an evil red helicopter appears!
Descriptive guy says it's the evil pharmaceutical reps, which is good,
because there's no other way to know, but where did they get an evil red
helicopter? Tarzan and Jane make a run for it, but Jane, in the best
tradition of idiot heroines, *instantly* catches her foot in a
convenient coiled rope (invisible to the casual viewer) and takes a fall
and is unable to do anything but yell for help. Evil red helicopter
snatches Tarzan in a magical net that you can drop from an evil red
helicopter, it self deploys, wrapping itself around the prey on the
ground, and goes back up to the evil red helicopter. Porter tells Jane
that this wasn't her fault because Porter is just that stupid. Somehow
everybody on the ground knows that that evil red helicopter in the dark
was not only full of pharmaceutical reps, but that they were actually
fakes. They must not only be watching the show with me, but listing to
the descriptive text as well, AND doing outside reading, 'cause I sure
didn't know they were fakes.
Back in the city, it turns out that Grandpa (who has everything marked
with a G) sent the evil red helicopter (which has it's stuff marked with
an H). They take Tarzan to G mansion. G knows all about how Kala
raised Tarzan, even though there's no possible way he could. They do a
lot of putting hands on shoulders in this, even though they slip and
slide like crazy because they don't have the tech to pull it off. They
do an extreme close up on Tarzan's face, far closer than advisable. It
looks like he's wearing Egyptian hieroglyphic eye makeup. Tarzan
notices on G's watch that it's after midnight, even though we've been
given no reason to assume that Tarzan has any concept of time telling.
And Š it ends.
In future episodes (that I won't be watching)
3: In the Urban Jungle
While navigating the challenges of high school and urban living in
London, Tarzan teams up with Jane to uncover an animal trafficking ring.
4: Dangerous Rescue
Tarzan and Jane face off against the animal traffickers, then, with help
from Tarzan's grandfather, devise a way to get the panthers Š
5: The Betrayal
After Tarzan rescues victims of a suspicious fire at a Greystoke
warehouse in London, reporters, including Jane's mom, accuse the earl of
Š
FLAG ON THE PLAY - Jane's mom is in the movies! How did she get to be a
reporter???
6: By Air and by Sea
Tarzan, Jane and the earl face more sabotage when they discover someone
has planted toxic pesticides at the Greystoke organic farm in Š
7: Chasing the Mastermind
While tracking the mastermind in Morocco, Tarzan and Jane learn that
Greystoke bulldozers have been stolen and are headed ..
8: Showdown in the Jungle
Tarzan and Jane fight to stop the poachers from bulldozing the village,
then set off to rescue the kidnapped Kala from a trap.
VERDICT
It's not awful, but it shouldn't have taken much effort to actually make
it good, either. I gave it 2 out of 5 Netflix stars.
Obveeus
Jan 6, 2017, 11:21:15 PM1/6/17
to
On 1/6/2017 6:57 PM, anim8rfsk wrote:
> Sigh. The Netflix really really really wants me to watch this. E-mails
> announcing it, electronic notifications everywhere, it was added to my
> list, opening the Netflix app features it.
>
> So, okay, fine.
Obveeus
Jan 6, 2017, 11:55:06 PM1/6/17
to
On 1/6/2017 11:14 PM, anim8rfsk wrote:
> VERDICT
>
> It's not awful, but it shouldn't have taken much effort to actually make
> it good, either. I gave it 2 out of 5 Netflix stars.
Barry Margolin
Jan 7, 2017, 10:53:49 AM1/7/17
to
In article <anim8rfsk-93DAD...@news.easynews.com>,
obviously a way to opt out of the emails, because I never get anything
from them.
--
Barry Margolin
Arlington, MA
anim8rfsk <anim...@cox.net> wrote:
> Sigh. The Netflix really really really wants me to watch this. E-mails
> announcing it, electronic notifications everywhere, it was added to my
> list, opening the Netflix app features it.
Maybe you should turn off all those features if they bother you. There's
> Sigh. The Netflix really really really wants me to watch this. E-mails
> announcing it, electronic notifications everywhere, it was added to my
> list, opening the Netflix app features it.
obviously a way to opt out of the emails, because I never get anything
from them.
--
Barry Margolin
Arlington, MA
Adam H. Kerman
Jan 8, 2017, 3:23:10 AM1/8/17
to
anim8rfsk <anim...@cox.net> wrote:
>Episode 2: TARZAN MEET JANE (apparently they're going for the broken
>English schtick even though they aren't writing the dialog that cleverly)
>Directed by Jessie Lickman (write your own joke here)
>Tarzan effortlessly outpaces a racing cheetah (meaning he must go like
>100mpg) leaving behind a telltale purple streak, and yells ... something
>completely unintelligible, as so much of the dialog on this show is. At
>this point I give up and check to see if there are subtitles ... there
>are! In several languages! And ... descriptive audio! In 5.1! I go
>for it!
Was it Simon, Jack, or Dan reading from his diary?
>Episode 2: TARZAN MEET JANE (apparently they're going for the broken
>English schtick even though they aren't writing the dialog that cleverly)
>Directed by Jessie Lickman (write your own joke here)
>Tarzan effortlessly outpaces a racing cheetah (meaning he must go like
>100mpg) leaving behind a telltale purple streak, and yells ... something
>completely unintelligible, as so much of the dialog on this show is. At
>this point I give up and check to see if there are subtitles ... there
>are! In several languages! And ... descriptive audio! In 5.1! I go
>for it!
Thanks for the review.
anim8rfsk
Jan 8, 2017, 10:57:13 AM1/8/17
to
In article <o4ssqf$9hj$2...@dont-email.me>,
LOL, yeah, I thought of that as I suffered this. This isn't any better
but it's a Hell of a lot more expensive.
> Thanks for the review.
NP
but it's a Hell of a lot more expensive.
> Thanks for the review.
NP
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