More Top Ten Lamest Superheroes of All Time
Ubiquitous
time featuring characters such as Vibe, Arm Fall Off Boy, Dogwelder,
Brother Power the Geek, the Red Bee and Aqualad. Little did I know when
I wrote it that in the years to come this article would bring thousands
of readers to our web-site. That’s right! The Top Ten Lamest Superhero
of All Time is, without a doubt, the most successful article we ever ran
at Confessions of a Pop Culture Addict, and has been linked at dozens of
web-sites and was even reprinted in the National Post. However, like
all successful movies, there are always more of the story to tell, and
an inferior sequel is written. Thus, I dipped my fingers into the
cesspool of the “not so greatest” superheroes of all time to bring you
that inferior sequel. Brace yourself friends and readers, for another
helping of characters that wont be getting their own feature film
anytime soon as:
CONFESSIONS OF A POP CULTURE ADDICT PRESENTS
THE TOP TEN LAMEST SUPERHEROES OF ALL TIME II:
THE NEXT TEN
But first, what defines a lame superhero? If they are lame, does that
make them the worst? Not at all. In fact, possibly it does the
opposite. In many ways it is their lameness that makes them fan
favorites and cherished by comic readers throughout the world. Every
character has a fan no matter how obscure or stupid their concept. In
fact, there are some comic fans who do nothing but collect and record
the adventures of these odd ball characters. I’m guilty myself of
collecting anything that has a Brother Power or Red Bee appearance.
There is a part of me that loves each and ever character that appears in
these articles. No, what hinders a superhero from being “cool” could be
the result of a number of different factors. Often it is because the
character concept is so outlandish and strange that we can’t even
understand where the creator was coming from. Many times it’s because
the character was created with certain social trends in mind, but
becomes dated due to the passage of time. Other times it’s because a
characters creation had good intentions that, due to many factors, just
went horribly wrong. Sometimes it’s even because the character was
intended to be lame from the very beginning. Yet, whatever the reason,
these lame characters become interesting character oddities that stick
with collectors and comic fans for years to come, despite their
lameness, and this couldn’t be truer for our first lame superhero…
1. Dazzler
Some superheroes begin their crime fighting careers when they are bit by
radioactive spiders and others when they witness their parents gunned
down in a back alley by a common crook. But for Alison Blaire, well she
started fighting crime because she just wanted to sing! When Allison’s
father discouraged her from a singing career and tries to force her into
being a lawyer, Allison leaves home to follow her dream…TO BECOME A
DISCO DIVA! However, Allison has a secret. In reality she is no
ordinary dancing queen. No sir. Allison is actually a mutant with the
ability to generate sound into light which intensifies when she sings!
Donning a silvery blue pant suite stolen from Joey Hetherington’s Vegas
act, a pair of jeweled roller skates, and blue KISS make up, Allison
Blaire, under the new moniker Dazzler, hit the disco scene, burning up
the night like a disco inferno, and using her powers to create light and
laser shows for the ultimate dance party. However, faster then she
could shake her booty, Allison found herself fighting the Hellfire Club
alongside the X-Men in her first appearance in Uncanny X-Men #130.
Luckily for Dazzler, this particular issue was one of the books
connected to the fabled Phoenix Saga, which would be reprinted far
longer then disco would be popular, Marvel comic fans would never be
able to forget such a dated character concept. Anyhow, armed with a
jeweled disco ball around her neck which she could fire paralyzing light
beams through, Dazzler eventually found her way into her own comic book
where she would be a star in New York and a star in LA, and fighting
super menaces like the Enchantress, Doctor Doom and even Galactus! I’m
serious. Frikkin’ Galactus! I’d love to see Donna Summer try to put a
smack down on Galactus. Anyhow, Dazzler began her disco, and crime
fighting career, in 1980 when disco was pretty much already dead. Sure,
Dazzler has changed her look and her musical style over the years (most
recently seen as a techno/trance performer), but for millions of merry
Marvel mutant lovers, Dazzler will always remain in their hearts as our
favorite disco dancing mutant. I mean, you might be able to take the
mutant out of disco, but you’ll never be able to take the disco out of
the mutant.
2. Madam Fatal
Criminals were looking over their shoulders in terror in 1940s New York
City because there was one scarlet clad figure they didn’t want to see.
It wasn’t the Flash or Starman or even the Red Bee. Nope. It was a
little old lady in a red hat, red overcoat and red high heeled pumps who
was aided by a pet parrot named Hamlet. That’s right! Evil doers
beware the wrath of Madam Fatal, who could pumble a crook with the
strength and speed of a fairly athletic man. In fact, Madam Fatal
actually WAS a fairly athletic man! When retired actor Richard
Stanton’s daughter was kidnapped, Stanton donned the clothes of a woman
in order to disguise himself and have his foes underestimate his speed
and strength. However, once his daughter was saved, Stanton must have
either enjoyed the thrill of crime fighting, or at least the feel of
shaving his legs and a nice pair of silk stockings, because through
Crack Comics #1-22 Madam Fatal was the cross dressing dare devil of the
four color comic set. In recent years, comic book fans and scholars
have argued that Madam Fatal was the world’s first gay superhero,
although the fact that no gay subtext other then cross dressing appeared
in any of the comics, as well as the fact that Madam Fatal had a
daughter, leads me to believe he probably was nothing more then a cross
dresser. I mean, Madam Fatal didn’t have a boy sidekick called Fatal
Boy (or would have that been Fatal Girl?). Anyhow, we all have our
little fetishes, but this was the first, and the last, time that comic
books had a transsexual superhero to my knowledge.
3. Extraño
And speaking of gay characters, you just couldn’t get any gayer then The
New Guardian’s resident magician Extraño. In fact, Extraño was nothing
more then a giant walking, talking gay stereotype. Created in 1988 as
part of their Millennium cross over, Steve Englehart and Joe Staton
dared to push the boundaries by creating Extraño, a gay Hispanic
magician, who would go down as being DC comic’s first bonifide gay
superhero. However, instead of helping ease prejudice against
homosexuality, Englehart and Staton actually dumped nearly every single
gay stereotype that you could heave on to the character from the little
thin mustache to a flamboyant costume and personality and even making
him the sensitive member of the New Guardians who had his teammates call
him “Auntie” when he dished out heart to heart advice. However, when he
and his teammates were attacked by a vampire with AIDS (sigh…don’t even
ask), Extraño revealed that he actually already was HIV positive before
he started his superhero career, because we all know that all gay
characters HAVE to be HIV positive. We can’t let the straight ones be.
By the way, for those keeping track Extraño is actually Spanish for
“strange” or “odd” or “queer.” Good going on that one guys! Even the
characters name was in bad taste. Anyhow, Extraño eventually came into
the power of a crystal skull that helped enhance his magical powers, or
something, but eventually the New Guardians book was cancelled and
Extraño disappeared into the abyss of comic book limbo. Reports say
that Extraño was last seen in a bath house in Thailand with Gary
Glitter, but that’s another story.
4. The Black Racer
Some people believe that death comes to you as a skeletal figure in a
black robe and armed with a sickle. Others, like Neil Gaimen, will tell
you that death comes in the form of a perky Goth girl with an ankh
around her neck. However, if your comic book superstar Jack Kirby, you
believe that death comes in the form of an angry looking black man who
is all dressed up as if he’s on his way for a ski vacation in Aspen.
That’s right! Death comes in the guise of The Black Racer! When
paralyzed Viet Nam war veteran Sgt. Willie Walker is contacted by a
mysterious force only known as “The Source”, Willie Walker crawls out of
his bed and is ready to hit the intergalactic slopes as the Black Racer!
Donning a snow suite, a medieval knight helmet, a yellow cape and a
pair of skis (complete with poles) the Black Racer goes skiing through
the cosmos looking for the souls of fallen New Gods (the residents of
the planets Apokolips and New Genesis) and guides them to their final
resting place in the demission of Hadis. Yeah. The harbinger of doom
is a guy on skis. What’s next Jack? A guy on a surfboard? Oh wait.
You already came up with that one too! Sometimes you just gotta ask
yourself, what the hell kind of drugs was Jack Kirby smoking?
5. Captain Planet
Not all environmentalists are tree hugging hippies. No, they come in
all shapes and sizes and if you are the politically correct hero Captain
Planet, then that means you have blue crystal skin and a green mullet so
big that he could eat a rain forest. Created by Ted Turner in 1990 for
TV, Captain Planet was an environmentally minded god like entity that
was created when five multi-cultured kids from around the world, known
as the Planeteers, combine their five magical rings. Anyhow, Captain
Planet fought villains like Sly Sludge and Duke Nukem and anybody else
that endangered the environment. I mean, you don’t even want to KNOW
what he did to the captain of the EXXON Valdez. Anyhow, Captain Planet
costumed himself in tight short red shorts, a torso baring short tight
t-shirt and red knee high boots, making us wonder if he was rummaging
around Extraño’s closet. However, when it came to powers, well Captain
Planet could do most anything. The guy had super strength, super speed
and stamina, flight, invulnerability, super breath, super hearing,
telepathy, psychokinkisis, shape shifting abilities, matter transmition
and he could even control earth elements. I mean, damn, he was a one
man X-Men team! Watch out Magneto! However, while he was pretty much
the most powerful hero ever, a bit of smog or acid rain could pretty
much cripple the poor bastard. I mean, even the Red Bee was immune to a
bit of smog. Anyhow, Captain Planet was a bad attempt to make a
politically correct, environmentally friendly cartoon, and should have
been forgotten in cartoon obscurity. I mean, who wants to see the
adventures of a character created by Ted Turner anyways? What business
does he have creating superheroes? Leave that job up to Stan Lee, Ted.
However, a recent episode of Robot Chicken resurrected memories of the
character. As a result, Captain Planet has become a popular costume at
comic book conventions world wide, but thankfully, nowhere else.
Frankly, I’d rather seek out hot girls dressed up as the Baroness from
GI Joe then get my picture taken next to some fanboy dressed up as
Captain Planet.
6. Super-Hip
Now while Jerry Lewis’ kid was giving it a go at being a rock star with
his own band “the Playboys”, Bob Hope’s nephew had his own super rock n’
roll hi-jinks, but at a higher price. You see, poor Tadwallader
Juteface was the goofiest and dweebiest kid at Benedict Arnold High.
This kid was so lame that he made young Peter Parker look like a stud.
I mean, when the only pick up line that Tad had was “hey, my uncle is
Bob Hope,” Tad was pretty much alone every Friday night. However, don’t
get Tad angry. You wouldn’t like Tad when he is angry. Because when
Tad is angry he turned into the super powered Canterbury Mod Super-Hip!
Dressed in a velvet jacket, ruffled shirt and Chelsea boots with little
wings on his ankles, Super-Hip had the power of flight, super strength
and shape changing abilities. He possibly may have had even more powers
then that but his true superhero potential was untapped. But when
Super-Hip calmed down and turned into Tad again, well, Tad couldn’t
remember a thing. He had no knowledge of Super-Hip at all and was
nothing but a blundering doofus again. Super-Hip first appeared in DC
comics long running humor series The Adventures of Bob Hope in 1965 and
appeared fairly regularly in the book through to its final issue in
1969. However, Super-Hip didn’t spend as much time fighting crime as he
did annoying the hell out of Bob Hope with his loud guitar playing and
his absolutely stupid battle cry “Blech to Lawrence Welk” However,
Super-Hip did make the cross over to the regular DC universe when he
appeared amongst the guests at Elasti-Girl and Mento’s wedding in Doom
Patrol #104, standing right next to Superman nonetheless! Anyhow, after
the cancellation of Bob Hope’s comic Super-Hip was never seen again,
despite the fact that he is loved by many fans of quirky and unusual
comic book creations.
7. The Greatest American Hero
Ralph Hinkley was a teacher for “special students,” but one night coming
home from a field trip the short bus breaks down in the middle of the
desert. Forced to trudge into the night in search for help, Hinkley
comes across not only drunken FBI agent Bill Maxwell, but also a UFO
which tells the two men that they need to work together to save mankind
and bestows upon Hinkley a leather case containing a red spandex costume
which, upon wearing it, would give him the powers of flight, super
strength, invisibility, precognition, telekinesis, x-ray vision, super
speed, mind control and even psychic abilities! Yeah, I know what
you’re thinking. That sounds pretty sweet! So what makes Ralph Hinkley
so lame? Well, believe it or not, the dumb ass loses the users manual
for the suit that the aliens entrusted him with and doesn’t actually
know how to use any of these powers correctly. So, for much of
Hinkley’s career, the buffoon flew around the city, screaming like a
little girl, flailing his arms and legs like he had epilepsy and could
only stop by crashing into large objects. Anyhow, from 1981 to 1983
Ralph Hinkley fought crime, somehow, on the television program The
Greatest American Hero. Still a cult favorite to this day, the theme
song “Believe it or Not” is far better remembered then the actual
character.
8. Stone Boy
Now as we all know, the Legion of Superheroes has let some pretty kooky
characters into their ranks. I mean, any team that’ll let guys like
Bouncing Boy and Matter Eater Lad on the team has to be pretty lenient
on what characters get in. However, some superheroes that try out for
the team just don’t make the cut. Thus was the case for Dag Wintem,
better known as Stone Boy. You see, Dag was from the planet Zwen which
had six months of darkness in their year. Thus, the people of Zwen had
the power to turn into stone statues in order to hibernate through the
dark months. Well Dag had this idea. Perhaps his ability to turn to
stone might do some greater good in the universe. Thus he contacted the
Legion of Superheroes to see if they could use him. So what else could
Dag do? Was he super strong? Nope. Did he control rock in any way?
Uh-huh. All he could do was turn to stone. Once in stone form Dag
couldn’t move or talk. All he did was just turn into an unmovable hunk
of stone. Anyhow, the Legion didn’t feel they had any use for Dag, but
then the Legion lacked imagination. Dag joined the ranks of the Legion
of Substitute Heroes, a group of Legion rejecties who formed their own
superhero group to fight evil when the Legion was otherwise tied up on
another mission. Led by Polar Boy and Night Girl, the Subs found lots
of good uses for Stone Boy. For instance, hoisting Stone Boy above
their enemies heads and dropping him was about as effective as dropping
a piano on a bad guy. Also, they could often use Stone Boy as a hard
object to throw villains into. Stone Boy made a great battling ram as
well. I mean, with a bit of determination, imagination and know how,
Stone Boy had his uses. However, that doesn’t stop him from being kinda
lame.
9. Infectious Lass
Making her first appearance in 1974 in Superboy #201, Infectious Lass
was another of the Legion of Superhero rejects that would go on to join
the Substitute Heroes. Coming from the planet Somahtur, Infectious Lass
had the powers to temporarily give you a disease or an illness. I mean,
super villains can’t really commit crimes or take over the world
effectively if they have a head cold or are vomiting. So, come to
think of it, Infectious Lass could come in pretty handy in a fight. I
mean, if she was up against the Secret Society of Super Villains she
could give the Joker smallpox, Lex Luthor leprosy, Ras Al Ghul a bad
rash and Sinestro SARS. But then there was that time that she gave that
vampire AIDS and that didn’t end up well (sigh…don’t even ask).
Unfortunately for Infectious Lass though, her love life wasn’t all that
great because she kept giving her boyfriends mono and her weaknesses
included chicken soup, two Tylenol and lots of sleep. Anyhow,
Infectious Lass was an occasional presence in the Legion of Superhero
books until about 1987 when she slipped into obscurity. However, just
recently, she was lovingly resurrected by Brian Azzarello and Cliff
Chiang as part of Doctor Thirteen’s “Team 13? in her own search for a
place in the new DC Universe, and has once again found her way into
being a fan favorite.
10. Captain Caveman
In 1977 animators Joe Ruby and Ken Spears, inspired by the sexy antics
of the popular TV program Charlies Angels developed a new cartoon series
titled The Teen Angels. Featuring the misadventures of three sexy teen
sleuths; Brenda, Taffy and Dee Dee, Ruby and Spears brought the show to
the two men who knew exactly how to develop mystery based cartoon series
– William Hannah and Joe Barbara. Hannah and Barbera loved the idea,
however they wanted to make one change. They felt that watching three
animated sex bombs wouldn’t appeal to kids (obviously they didn’t have
their finger on the pulse of what I wanted) and thought what if….I mean
WHAT IF….the Teen Angels paired up with an ugly, hairy super powered
Neanderthal that they thawed out of a block of ice! Yeah! That’s
golden! Thus was born Captain Caveman. Now I know what you’re
thinking. You love Captain Caveman! He’s not lame! Well friends,
don’t let your lust for nostalgia fool you. Captain Caveman was
possibly one of the lamest superheroes of all time. Despite the fact
that he had super strength and could fly, his powers always failed him
at the worst possible times in order for hilarity to ensue. Now can you
imagine if that happened to Superman when he was fighting Doomsday? All
of a sudden HIS super powers conked out? That wouldn’t have been so
funny, would it have? Furthermore, Captain Caveman also had the ability
to pull out ridiculous objects out of his long dirty hair, sort of like
Batman’s utility belt, but a bit more like Mary Poppins’ handbag. You
need an anvil? Captain Caveman would get one out of his hair. You need
a tailpipe for a 67' El Dorado? Captain Caveman probably had one in
there. However, what is possibly the most annoying thing about Captain
Caveman was his dreadful battle cry. While the Thing had “It’s
Clobberin’ Time” and the Green Lantern uttered “no evil shall escape
Green Lantern’s light” Captain Caveman was reduced to screaming his own
name: “Captain CAAAAAAAVEMAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!” Yeah. That’s original, not
to mention subtle. Yet what many people don’t remember was that years
after the Teen Angels got sick of traveling around with this hairy
moron, and, incidentally, Jack Ruby and Ken Spears started their own
animation company so that this kind of atrocity wouldn’t happen to their
creations again, Captain Caveman appeared in Saturday Morning’s The
Flintstones Comedy Hour in 1980 where his superhero life before he was
frozen in ice was revealed. When Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble went
out to get jobs at the Daily Granite newspaper, they worked with
bespectacled Chester who, in reality, was Captain Caveman. However,
what got me was while all the Flintstone characters spoke in full
sentences, Captain Caveman spoke in broken English and muttered jumbled
phrases with his most favorite phrase being “unga bunga. This makes me
wonder if Captain Caveman might have been retarded as well. It sort of
sounded like this:
Wilma: Chester! Vandal Savage is feeding Betty to a T-Rex! You gotta
help her.
Captain Caveman: Me help Betty! “Captain CAAAAAAAVEMAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!
Wilma: Oh no! He heard you coming with your totally unsubtle battle
cry which destroyed the element of surprise. You better hurry!
Captain Caveman: Me on my way! Unga bunga! Me save you Betty,
Wilma: Oh no. Your flying powers just conked out. You’re to late.
Betty is now T-Rex food. You suck Captain Caveman. Oh no Cavey. Look
out for that frozen lake!!!!
Captain Caveman: Shit. Unga bunga.
See what I mean? Lame…
grinningdemon
wrote:
You better watch out...Ranger might track you down and take your ass
out for this one.
Walter Plonkite
> In 2005 I wrote an article about ten of the lamest superheroes of all
> time featuring characters such as Vibe, Arm Fall Off Boy, Dogwelder,
> [rest of comic book discussion deleted]
And you posted this off-topic article here because?
Ken from Chicago
"Ubiquitous" <web...@polaris.net> wrote in message
news:btadnQFZp92nOQjR...@giganews.com...
<snip>
> 10. Captain Caveman
<snip>
Hey! You can critique the other nine, but Captain Caaaaaaaaaveman is not
lame.
But he was never meant to be taken seriously.
-- Ken from Chicago
Ubiquitous
>"Ubiquitous" <web...@polaris.net> wrote:
>> 10. Captain Caveman
>
><snip>
>
>Hey! You can critique the other nine, but Captain Caaaaaaaaaveman is not
>lame.
>
>But he was never meant to be taken seriously.
YMMV, obviously, but we never liked him.
---
"If Barack Obama isn't careful, he will become the Jimmy Carter of the 21st
century."
Ken from Chicago
"Ubiquitous" <web...@polaris.net> wrote in message
news:B8ednbdeDPgUKwrR...@giganews.com...
Considering Captain Caveman a lame superhero is a bit out of place
considering he's designed to be comedic. If he were a competent superhero it
would undermine the humor, at least the style of humor they were going for
(as opposed to the Geico cavemen who are spose to be competent but are
treated as not).
-- Ken from Chicago
Quadibloc
wrote:
> Hey! You can critique the other nine, but Captain Caaaaaaaaaveman is not
> lame.
It's true that heroes intended to be for laughs really don't belong on
the list. If they did, one could wonder why the Inferior Five aren't
represented.
But... Infectious Lass? Hey! I can understand why Jaques Foccart
thought she was worth the risk...
John Savard