[RACCies] RACCies Ceremony
Jamie Rosen
voiceover reads it out loud.]
"The opinions expressed in the following programme are those of the
participants. While Low Budget Productions and Jamie Rosen endorse the
participants' right to speak their minds, they refuse to be held accountable
for the actions of fictional characters. Just in case."
Low Budget Productions Proudly Presents...
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
o RACC2k2 o
o The 2002 Edition o
o of the RACCies o
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Hosted by... Pointless Awards Man II!
[The men, women, and others in the audience applaud politely as Pointless
Awards Man II takes the stage in a very 80s looking leather-and-ruffles
'punk outfit.' A familiar uptempo piece starts to play, and PAM II... well,
he doesn't quite 'sing', but he does suddenly have a British accent.]
"With the Dorfs in Tok.IO,
Or down in London stores to go, go,
With my comics collection
And my 'net connection,
There's no voting for myself.
"When I'm visiting websites,
Trying to get characters' rights,
Well we waited so long
For our moderation,
There's no voting for myself.
"Oh voting for myself,
Oh voting for myself,
What would it prove
If I didn't lose
'Cause I was voting for myself?
"I looked all over the rack,
And I still came back to RACC,
But your feedback's rare
Though it's mostly fair,
There's no voting for myself.
"So let's read another post,
'Cause it'll help us when we vote,
If I had the time
Revenge would be mine,
And I'd be voting for myself.
"Oh voting for myself,
Oh voting for myself,
If I had the time
Revenge would be mine,
If I had the time
Revenge would be mine
If I had the time
Revenge would be mine."
[Thankfully, the song ends there as the power cuts out abruptly. When
the stage lights come back on, PAM II has changed into a traditional awards
show tux, and is smiling much too brightly.]
"Hello everyone and welcome to the 2002 RACCie Awards! We've got quite a
line-up tonight, and I've been told that if we run over I will be cut into
tiny pieces and fed to dogs, so without further ado, here's everyone's
favourite LNH leader, the man who in high school was voted most likely to
flip out and kill people -- Ultimate Ninja!"
[Ultimate Ninja strides out to the podium, glaring at PAM II, who slinks
nervously offstage.]
"Hello. I am here to present what were once known as the Academy's
Discretionary Awards, before we realized that we here at RACC had neither
an Academy --" [the ASH table boos] "-- nor discretion." [Everyone nods.]
"First is the "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE LULU WEBPAGE AWARD. Why am I shouting?"
[The large screen at the back of the stage lights up and shows screen
shots as Ultimate Ninja reads the list of nominees.] "The nominees are:
The RACC Web interface (http://www.wilsego.com/racc/); Blue Light
Productions (http://www.eyrie.org/~that/blip/blip.html); and the Legion of
Net.Heroes Website (http://www.eyrie.org/~drizzt/lnh/lnh.html). And the
winner is... the RACC Web interface!"
[The award is given a snazzy looking graphic.]
"Next we have the IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED) --
for that author whose works are most consistently late. The nominees are:
Saxon Brenton [CAW yells out "But he just used us four times!]; Dave Van
Domelen [the ASH erupts in a mixture of boos and cheers]; and All of Us.
And the winner is... All of us!"
[The entire audience rises, intending to take the stage, but tisaster is
averted by Ultimate Ninja's glare, which sends them all back whence they
came.]
"And now the Ultimate Award, in the sense that it is the last that I will
be presenting -- who writes this stuff? The nominees for THE RABBIT-BREEDERS
CUP -- Awarded to the most prolific author in RACC -- are: Jesse Willey;
Tom Russell; and Martin Phipps. And the winner is... Martin Phipps!"
[Crypt Anna sneaks onto the stage and steals the award in a very Crypt
Looter fashion.]
[PAM II comes out, smiling again, as Ultimate Ninja disappears into the
shadows.]
"Thank you very much, Ultimate Ninja! That was cool, and by cool, I mean
totally sweet! Good to see that everyone is walking out of an award here
tonight.
"Now, up next we have a man who needs no introduction. So here he is."
[The presenter comes out and takes his place at the podium.]
"Thank you very much, Pointless Awards Man II -- although I would have
preferred if you had chosen a different opening song, of course. Say,
perhaps, 'Rebel Yell'...
"The nominees for RACC 15, Favourite New Title, are: The Continuing
Misadventures of Miss Translation [Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason
Kid bickers with the Normalizer]; Exarchs [footage of the awards show staff
confusedly trying to decide whether to seat them with Superguy or the LNH];
and Net.Heroes on Parade [Chatillion attempts to bargain for the award.] And
the winner is... The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation!"
[Time Waster Lad rises to accept the award, but somebody cries out "Don't
let him make a speech!" and he's tackled before he can reach the stage.]
"Our next award is for the Favourite New Writer. The nominees for this
award are Des Davies; Andrew Perron; and Hannu RAJANIEMI. And the winner
is... Andrew Perron!"
[Two scantily-clad girls in wedding veils accept the award while much of
the audience drools.]
"Up next is RACC 13, for Most Improved Author. The nominees for this award
are: Tom Russel [Chatillion continues trying to bargain for an award];
Jamie Rosen [Theory Man expounds on something to Kid Recap]; and Ted Brock
[Twaeila mouths the words "Don't call me Future Girl"]. And the winner is...
Jamie Rosen!"
[Imagist poets take to the stage and make off with the award.]
"And while you may be crying 'More, more, more', this is the last award
I'll be presenting for the evening. The nominees for Favourite Running Gag
are: Gamer Boy [Severl LNHers hold up bracelets with WWGBD inscribed on
them]; Miss Translation's speech [Miss Translation gives a thumbs-up]; and
Fake porno titles in Net.Heroes on Parade [the screen is blurred out.] And
the winner is... Miss Translation's speech!"
[Miss Translation takes the stage and, appropriately enough, makes a
speech, to the delight and consternation of the audience.]
[PAM II re-takes the stage, talking a little more quickly.]
"Through the magic of computer (re)animiation, and the willingness of
their estates not to take us to court, I now present to you a Perfectly
Paired Pair of Presenters -- Giant Wandering Cow Kid and Cheesecake-Eater
Lad!"
[The two fallen LNHers take the stage, their movements slightly jerky.
CEL's mouth doesn't quite match with the words he says, and his speech
sounds as though it had been pasted together from individual phonemes.]
"Thank you, Pointless Awards Man. Too. The nominees for RACC. E. Leven,
Best Flamewar/Thread/Monkey. Are: Sig.ago is Mine! Mine! Mine! [a panoramic
shot of a ruined city]; Vote for Linda Richardson in the RACCies [Ryan
Richardson shakes his head resignedly]; and Multiple Lagnetos [Multiple
Lagnetos applaud themselves and each other.] And. The winner is... Sig.ago
is Mine! Mine! Mine!"
"Moo."
[The award is placed into a padded envelope addressed "Ruins of Sig.ago"
and handed to the friendly neighbourhood postal worker.]
"Moo."
"Up! Next is RACC 10, for Favourite Person Who Hangs Out on RACC. The
nominees are: Saxon Brenton; Jamie Rosen; and Dave van Domelen. And the
winner is... Saxon Brenton!"
[An eyepatch-bedecked Limp-Asparagus Lad sombrely accepts the award from
his fallen comrades.]
"Next is the award for Favourite Story Universe. The nominees are: the
LNH [many tables hoot and holler rudely]; Omega [a single table nods
grimly]; and ASH [a couple of tables applaud.] And the winner is... the
LNH! We'll just keep this award."
"Moo."
"Ha. Ha. You got that right. The next award is RACC ate, for Favourite
Review Title. The nominees are: Review THIS, by Michael Friedman; Re:Views,
by Jamie Rosen; and Reviews Special, by Martin Phipps. And the winner of
RACC ate is... Re:Views, by Jamie Rosen!"
[A ghostly hand descends from the ceiling and plucks the award from the
podium. "Thank you."]
[Cheesecake Eater Lad and Giant Wandering Cow Kid's images then break up
and dissolve in traditional failed-computer-graphics fashion. PAM II comes
out from backstage once more.]
"Come on, guys. Try to liven up a little. Ha ha ha."
"Now, because a certain... someone... couldn't make it to the show on
time, I'll be presenting the next four awards. The first one is RACC Seven,
Favourite Adult/Acraphobe Offering. The nominees for this award are: Scions
[a table of college-age Omegas pat each other on the back]; Lagneto Saga
[Lagneto looks on intently]; and Net.Heroes on Parade [Chatillion is *still*
trying to bargain for an award.] And the winner is... Chatillion! I mean,
Net.Heroes on Parade!"
[Chatillion mounts the stage, accepts the award with a flourish, and
departs again.]
"Up next is RACC Six, Favourite Paroday/Comedy. The nominees for this
award are: Easily-Discovered Man [EDMLite is too busy ogling the various
lovelies in attendance to notice the nomination]; Digital Jump! [Kid
Enthusiastic is... enthusiastic]; and The Continuing Misadventures of Miss
Translation [Miss Translation smiles and applauds herself.] And the winner
is... Easily-Discovered Man!"
[Easily-Discovered Man mounts the stairs to the stage and accepts the
award, but the microphone has been turned off.]
"Up next is the very prestigious RACC Five, for Favourite Single Issue.
The nominees are: Easily-Discovered Man #44 [EDMLite shouts "It wasn't me,
it was the one-armed man!"]; CSV #23 [Conflicto shouts "It wasn't the
one-armed man, it was me!"]; Miss Translation #3 [Miss Translation shouts
"It was not I, it was the in-armed man!"]; and Net.Heroes on Parade #17
[nobody shouts anything, actually.] And the winner is... Easily-Discovered
Man #33!"
[Easily-Discovered Man mounts the stairs to the stage and accepts the
award with his free hand.]
"And now we have RACC Four, for Favourite Arc." [The large screen behind
PAM II runs clips from the various issues as the list is read.] "The
nominees for this award are: City of Lights (ASH #37-40); Villain's
Apprentice (CSV #22-??); Names (CSV #18-19); and Net.Heroes on Parade
#13-17. And the winner is... City of Lights!"
[Scorch rises to accept the award, but PAM II gets nervous and just tosses
it to him.]
"Uh.... and now, our final presenter of the evening. Let's hear it for
Kid Recap!"
[Kid Recap comes out on stage as PAM II runs to the back.]
"Thank you very much, Pointless Awards Man II, for having just turned the
stage over to me. First, I'd like to let you all know about some awards that
were presented earlier in the evening, the LNH-specific ACCies, and the
Omega-specific Dark Paranoiaccies."
[The monitors behind him list the following:
OM5 -- FAVOURITE HERO: The Eye -- Defcon Omega version
OM4 -- FAVOURITE SINGLE ISSUE: Paint Crew Special
OM3 -- FAVOURITE ARC: Defcon Omega
OM2 -- FAVOURITE ONGOING SERIES: Scions
OM1 -- FAVOURITE WRITER: Marc Singer
THE JOHNNY SAKO "COME BACK GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK" LOVING CUP -- for
the LNHer that is most sorely missed: Paul Hardy
LNH 11 -- THE NEWBIE AWARD: Andrew Perron
LNH 10 -- FAVOURITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON A.C.LNH: Looniversal Answering
Machine
LNH 9 -- FAVOURITE NEW CHARACTER: Miss Translation
LNH 8 -- FAVOURITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER: Time-Waster Lad
LNH 7 -- FAVOURITE VILLAIN: Lagneto
LNH 6 -- FAVOURITE LNHer: Easily-Discovered Man
LNH 5 -- FAVOURITE SINGLE ISSUE: Easily-Discovered Man #44
LNH 4 -- FAVOURITE ARC: untitled alien invasion [Miss Translation #1-2]
LNH 3 -- FAVOURITE MINI-SERIES: Flame Wars IV
LNH 2 -- FAVOURITE ONGOING SERIES: The Continuing Misadventures of Miss
Translation
LNH 1 -- FAVOURITE WRITER: Saxon Brenton]
"And now, the final three awards of the evening. RACC 3 is presented to
the Favourite Mini-Series. The nominees are: Flame Wars 4; Defcon Omega;
and Lagneto Saga. And the winner is... Flame Wars 4!"
[Cannon Fodder accepts the award, a sombre look on his face.]
"RACC 2 is for the Favourite Ongoing Series. The nominees are:
Easily-Discovered Man; ASH; and Miss Translation. And the winner is...
Easily-Discovered Man!"
[Easily-Discovered Man mounts the stage, and Kid Recap balances the
award on top of the others.]
"Finally, the most sought-after award in all of net.dom. Are at least
RACC. Maybe. RACC 1 is presented to that author judged to be our Favourite
Writer for the year. The nominees are: Dave van Domelen [people from a few
different imprints cheer]; Saxon Brenton [a smaller coterie cheers even more
wildly]; and Marc Singer [people at the Omega table blink, surprised, then
burst into applause.] And the winner is... Saxon Brenton!"
[Limp-Asparagus Lad moves to accept the award, but CAW comes from out of
nowhere and crashes through the stage, grabbing the award on the way down.]
"Well, that's it for this year. Since PAM II fled the scene earlier in
the ceremony, it devolves to me to thank you all for coming, and remind you
to be sure to vote next year!"
[THE "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE LULU WEBPAGE AWARD
Winner: The RACC Web Interface -- http://www.wilsego.com/racc/
THE IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED)
Winner: All of us
THE RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP
Winner: Martin Phipps
RACC15 FAVORITE NEW TITLE
Winner: The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation [LNH]
RACC14 FAVORITE NEW WRITER
Winner: Andrew Perron
RACC13 MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR
Winner: Jamie Rosen
RACC12 FAVORITE RUNNING GAG
Winner: Miss Translation's speech
RACC11 BEST FLAMEWAR
Winner: "Sig.ago is Mine! Mine! Mine!"
RACC10 FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC
Winner: Saxon Brenton
RACC9 FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE
Winner: LNH
RACC8 FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE
Winner: Re:Views
RACC7 FAVORITE ACRAPHOBE/ADULT TITLE
Winner: Net.Heroes on Parade [LNH]
RACC6 FAVORITE PARODY/COMEDY
Winner: Easily-Discovered Man [LNH]
RACC5 FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE
Winner: Easily-Discovered Man #33 [LNH]
RACC4 FAVORITE ARC
Winner: City of Lights [ASH]
RACC3 FAVORITE MINI-SERIES
Winner: Flame Wars 4 [LNH]
RACC2 FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES
Winner: Easily-Discovered Man [LNH]
RACC1 FAVORITE WRITER
Winner: Saxon Brenton
[Fade to black.]
--
I need scissors! 61!
Andrew Perron
news:<b6hkp5$prp$1...@freenet9.carleton.ca>...
> voiceover reads it out loud.]
>
> "The opinions expressed in the following programme are those of the
> participants. While Low Budget Productions and Jamie Rosen endorse the
> participants' right to speak their minds, they refuse to be held accountable
> for the actions of fictional characters. Just in case."
>
> Low Budget Productions Proudly Presents...
<snip>
> LNH 11 -- THE NEWBIE AWARD: Andrew Perron
> RACC14 FAVORITE NEW WRITER
> Winner: Andrew Perron
WOO! Yeah! Thank you very much, all who nominated and voted for me.
^-^v Also, congratulations to the other winners, including All Of Us!
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, does this mean I get to write the
ceremony next year?
Martin Phipps
Oh. Those _were_ the real results?
Oh dear. It's "back to the drawing board" so to speak then.
Martin
Jamie Rosen
>
> Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, does this mean I get to write the
> ceremony next year?
Do you want to?
Andrew Perron
> Andrew Perron (pwe...@comcast.net) writes:
> >
> > Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, does this mean I get to write the
> > ceremony next year?
>
> Do you want to?
Actually... yes! ^_^ I think that'd be interesting. Hmmmmmm...
*already thinking up ideas*
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, mwaheeheehee... no.
Jamie Rosen
> dq...@freenet.carleton.ca (Jamie Rosen) wrote in message
> news:<b6k4af$qkt$1...@freenet9.carleton.ca>...
>
>
> Actually... yes! ^_^ I think that'd be interesting. Hmmmmmm...
> *already thinking up ideas*
Okay. Well, give me a few days to decide whether I want to give it up or
not. :)