The Similarrion, Episode 5: The Coming of the Elder and the Arrest of Moregoth
JRR 'Jar-Jar' Tolkein
While the Valor dwelt in ignorance and bliss in the deathless land
of Amen, Little-Earth was given over to Moregoth and his minions.
Thus did many creepy, crawly, and naughty things infest the forests
and mountains of Little-Earth. And yet the Valor came not to make
war against Moregoth, for it was not yet time for the coming of the
Elder Kids of Erúvatar, so what was the point?
But it was foretold that the Elves would not awaken in the darkness,
for it was the will of Erúvatar that his Firstborn might walk the
Earth without stubbing their toes. Therefore did Darva Outabreath
gather silvery light from the dews of the tree Technetium, and kindled
bright stars thoughout the skies above Little-Earth. And lo, she
arranged them in constellations such as the Swordsperson of the Sky,
which presages the Great Battle which is certain to take place on the
Last Day unless it does not.
The starlight was so bright and beautiful that it was impossible to
sleep, and so awakened the Elves. This took place in the land near
the Water of Awakening, which is Caffiénen in the Elvish tongue.
And tasting the waters of Caffiénen, the Elder were wakeful indeed.
They dwelt there under the stars, listening to the water rushing over
the stones, which made them frequently have to visit the bathroom.
But Moregoth saw the Elder, and decided to make them frightened
of strangers, so to prevent them from befriending the Valor. So he
sent his evil servants to waylay them, sent dark riders in the sky
making frightful sounds, and told them scary stories around their
campfires. And it is said among the Elder that Moregoth bred from
captured Elves the hateful race of Dorcs, bitterest enemies of the
Elder.
Thus it came to pass that Aromä, searching for his missing golf ball,
heard from afar the sound of partying. And riding forth he espied the
Elder, and great was his delight. But most of the Elves proved to be
wimps and fled or hid themselves. But the bravest and noblest
of the Elder saw that he was no creature of Moregoth, for he glowed
in the dark with the light of Amen. And he dwelt with them, and
taught them golf, and lo, they found his missing golf ball.
And so Aromä returned to Valtimore and told the Valor of what had
come to pass, and of the shadow of Moregoth that lay over Little-Earth.
And lo, Manl˙ said, "I have conversed with Erúvatar in my heart, and
I have seen that He will have my butt in a sling unless I do something
about Moregoth. Therefore let us make war swiftly." And the Valor
came again to Little-Earth, and their victory over the Bad Guys was
swift, and the minions of Moregoth retreated to Autumnal. But the
Valor besieged them, and broke open the gates of Autumnal, and
JRR Tulkas stood forth as champion and enforcer of the Valor,
and went in and arrested Moregoth and read him his rights after
roughing him up a bit.
And the Valor brought Moregoth back to Amen, and sentenced him to
three ages of imprisonment in the dungeons of Madnos, after which he
would be eligible for parole. But JRR Tulkas asked, "How can this be
done? For what chain is strong enough to bind Moregoth, the mightiest
of us all?" And Manl˙ replied, "There is only one, but I am grieved to
use it so." And he bid his spouse Darva go to their bed-chamber and
bring forth 'Alfgainer, the Holy Handcuffs of the Valor, and she did so,
though she too was grieved. And JRR Tulkas said, "Wise indeed is Manl˙
the King of Harda, and Darva his Queen! For they have hidden 'Alfgainer
in their bed-chamber so none might steal it. But are the Holy Handcuffs
strong enough to imprison Moregoth?" And Darva replied, "They are
strong enough. 'Alfgainer was forged by Ollie himself, and can restrain
even Manl˙ the King." But JRR Tulkas asked, "How can we know this?
For surely none has dared fasten the Holy Handcuffs upon the King of
Harda!" To this Darva made no answer, but Moregoth was brought
forth, and bound with 'Alfgainer. And Manl˙ committed Moregoth to
Dáno Madnos, Lord of the Waiting Rooms and the Dungeons below,
saying, "Book 'im, Dáno." And Moregoth was imprisoned, and the world
knew long ages of peace.
Next episode: The Great Summons
The full text of the Similarrion can be found at
Dave Joll
>This took place in the land near
>the Water of Awakening, which is Caffiénen in the Elvish tongue.
Okay, you lot... anyone got any ideas how to get
coffee out of a keyboard ?!?!?!?
Morgil
JRR 'Jar-Jar' Tolkein kirjoitti viestissä <39B1C7B4...@6ftunder.uk>...
>JRR Tulkas stood forth as champion and enforcer of the Valor,
>and went in and arrested Moregoth and read him his rights after
>roughing him up a bit.
Good thing videocameras weren´t invented yet...
>the King of Harda, and Darva his Queen! For they have hidden 'Alfgainer
>in their bed-chamber so none might steal it. But are the Holy Handcuffs
>strong enough to imprison Moregoth?" And Darva replied, "They are
>strong enough. 'Alfgainer was forged by Ollie himself, and can restrain
>even Manlÿ the King." But JRR Tulkas asked, "How can we know this?
Good thing videocameras weren´t invented yet...
And about "Jar-Jar" Tolkein, I daresay The Similarrion is definetely
_his_ best work! :)
Morgil
David Sulger
>And he bid his spouse Darva go to their
>bed-chamber and bring forth 'Alfgainer,
>the Holy Handcuffs of the Valor, and she
>did so, though she too was grieved.
Kinky.
--Dave