Ranma 1/2: Ranma Jijou, Part 5 [FanFic]

[Dov Sherman]

Ranma Jijou, Part Cinq
(Ranma Squared, Part Five)

A Silly Ranma 1/2 Fan-fiction by Dov Sherman

Ranma 1/2 and its characters are all copyright and trademark to Rumiko
Takahashi to whom this fan-fiction is dedicated.

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(^, )bxr~ /`<'`)'
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Chapter 9: A Fistful of Ranmas

Ryouga plucked a bottle of ginger root from the shelf and headed out
into the dining area. "Yo! I'm back." He tossed the bottle to
Shampoo, who caught it easily.

The Tendos and Genma stared at Ryouga. Their heads swivelled together
to look at the front door of the Nekohanten. Then they all looked back
at Ryouga. Nabiki cleared her throat. "Well. That was quick."

Genma laughed. "Ha! That's my boy! Always so quick and resourceful!"
He patted Akane on the back. "Aren't you lucky to have such a
responsible boy for your fiance'!"

Akane picked up her water glass and threw its contents over Genma. Genma
blinked his big panda eyes and held up a sign: "Was it something I
said?!"

Akane fumed in her seat. "I'll thank you to leave me out of your stupid
affairs. There's no way I'm marrying that jerk!"

Ryouga watched Akane thoughtfully. He'd heard her say how much she
hated Ranma a million times before. But he'd also seen her disprove it
almost as many times. Her words taunted him, tearing at his fragile
heart. She might say that she hated him but he knew that deep down she
lo... lov.... lervv... had strong feelings for Ranma. But why? Why did
she care for that jerk?! Ryouga knew Akane thought Ranma was a jerk.
Everyone thought Ranma was a jerk. They thought Ranma was a jerk but
they still liked him! It made no sense. He was arrogant, ill-mannered,
loud-mouthed, conceited, and had the affection of Akane Tendo. But
Akane would never be truly happy with a jerk like Ranma. Ryouga had to
save her from such a terrible fate. Tonight would hurt her, but it was
necessary to save her from that scoundrel. That beast. That
snivelling, perverted, cowardly cretin. That Ranma Saotome!

Shampoo smiled brightly at Ryouga. "Thank you, Ranma!" She winked at
him conspiratorially.

Ugh! That name! How horrible to hear that name directed toward
himself! This was all Ranma's fault for maliciously stealing the heart
of the innocent Akane. If it weren't for Ranma's undeserved
relationship with Akane, that wish at Megusenkyou wouldn't have
backfired! But now Ryouga had the fortunate opportunity to turn the
tables. Now he could use Ranma's own lecherous reputation to destroy
any trust the Tendos had in him. Ryouga took pleasure in his coming
vengeance and smiled at his accomplice. "You're welcome, Shampoo.
Anytime, really!"

"Ranma go to soooo much trouble for Shampoo!"

"Not so much trouble. Nothing's too much trouble for my Shampoo-chan!"

"Oh my!" Kasumi said.

Akane's eyes widened and she dropped her chopsticks. She grumbled
something under her breath and retrieved them from the floor.

Shampoo and Ryouga noted Akane's discomfort. Shampoo grinned evilly.
"Ranma so kind to Shampoo! Shampoo get Ranma Special Deluxe Ramen!"

Ryouga took Ranma's seat and smiled charmingly at Shampoo. "Why thank
you, Shampoo! That's very sweet of you."

Shampoo winked at him and went into the kitchen. Genma whacked Ryouga
on the head with a sign and then held it out so he could read it:
"What's the big idea?!"

Soun flushed an angry shade of purple. "Ranma! Is there something
going on here that you should tell us about?"

Ryouga looked back and forth between the two men sitting on either side
of him. "Uh, no, no, I'm, uh, just trying to be polite!" Why did he
say that? Ryouga glanced up at the two angry faces on either side of
him. It wasn't like him to be unnerved so easily. He had to keep his
assault up. Not buckle under pressure.

Shampoo returned carrying a tray with several bowls of ramen. She set a
bowl down in front of each of the Saotomes and Tendos and finally set a
bigger bowl with a more elaborate ramen in front of Ryouga.

"Thank you, Shampoo!" Ryouga smiled. "You're very generous."

Shampoo blushed coquettishly. "Ranma too generous with words!"

"Oh don't be so shy. I'm only being honest with my feelings."

"Oh my!" Kasumi said.

A snapping sound from the other end of the table signalled that Akane
had now broken her chopsticks in her tense grip. "Stupid chopsticks are
too fragile," she mumbled. "Shampoo, may I have a new pair of
chopsticks? Please?"

Shampoo nodded curtly and went to the counter by the front door. As she
picked up a new set of chopsticks, she glanced out the window and her
eyes widened in panic. She spun about suddenly and said, "Ranma! Ranma
come help Shampoo in kitchen with... ah... with jar Shampoo can't open!"

Ryouga looked at her questioningly. Shampoo can't open a jar? But
that's ridiculous. Shampoo was an Amazon. The people of her village
had exceptional strength. "A... jar?"

"Yes, Ranma come open jar!" Shampoo ran over to the table and threw the
chopsticks to Akane. "Here Akane chopsticks!" She grabbed Ryouga by
his shirt collar and dragged him to the kitchen. "Ranma come open jar
then be right back!"

"Oh my!" Kasumi said.

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Now what was that all about?"

Akane plucked the chopsticks from where Shampoo's throw had embedded
them in the wall and concentrated on her ramen. "I really couldn't care
less!"

In the kitchen, Ryouga turned to Shampoo. "Now what was that all about?
I was on a roll! Why'd you drag me in here?"

Shampoo took hold of Ryouga's head in both hands and pointed him toward
the closed shutters in the window to the dining area so that he could
peek through the crack between them. "Ryouga look! Ranma coming back!"

Ranma strode in through the front door carrying a small paper bag. "I'm
back!" He set the bag on the table and sat table and took his seat.
"Hey! Special Deluxe Ramen! Great!" He grabbed up his chopsticks and
started wolfing the ramen down.

The Tendos and Genma stared at Ranma. Their heads swivelled together to
look at the kitchen door of the Nekohanten. Then they all looked back
at Ranma. Nabiki cleared her throat. "So, what's in the bag?"

Ranma looked up from his ramen and said through a mouthful of noodles,
"Ginger root. What'd think it was?"

Akane snapped her second pair of chopsticks in half. "Good grief,
Ranma! Just how much ginger root do you think they need?! Don't you
think you're overdoing it a little?!"

Ranma sucked a few dangling noodles into his mouth. "What are you
talking about?! Shampoo asked me to get some ginger root. You all saw
her ask me."

In the kitchen, Cologne joined Ryouga and Shampoo by the shutters. "This
won't do. He's going to ruin the plan. I didn't expect him to get back
so quickly." Cologne hopped over to her special spice rack, the rack
containing her supply of magical Chinese herbs. She selected a bottle
and tapped a small portion of it into a cup of tea. "This should do
nicely." She placed the cup on a tray with other cups of tea and handed
the tray to Shampoo. "Take this out to them and make sure Ranma gets
the tainted cup," she said, indicating a cup.

Shampoo nodded and went out into the dining area. "Good! Ranma bring
more ginger root!" She picked up the paper bag from the table and put
it on her tray. "Shampoo bring more tea for everyone." She handed out
the tea, giving Ranma the drugged cup and stood back.

"Uh, thanks, Shampoo," Ranma said. Ranma looked down at the cup. He
had hardly touched his first cup. Shampoo stared at him expectantly so
he took a sip from his new cup. "Uh, mmmmm, yes, very good tea, uh,
yeah."

Akane folded her arms angrily. "Enough already, Ranma!" She looked at
her broken chopsticks. "Shampoo, may I have some more chopsticks
please? These ones, uh, break so easily."

Ranma took another sip from his tea. Suddenly, his eyes widened in
panic and he set his cup down quickly. Ranma jumped to his feet.
"Excuse me!" he shouted and ran to the bathroom. Shampoo discreetly
pushed a potted plant in front of the bathroom door with her foot and
went to get Akane a third set of chopsticks.

>From behind the shutters, Ryouga turned to Cologne. "What was in that
tea?"

Cologne grinned maliciously. "A treasure of the Joketsuzoku tribe. A
very powerful and quick-acting laxative. Now get out there and continue
with the plan."

Ryouga nodded, went out into the dining area, and took Ranma's seat.

The Tendos and Genma stared at Ryouga. Their heads swivelled together
to look at the bathroom door of the Nekohanten. Then they all looked
back at Ryouga. Nabiki cleared her throat. "Um. Are you okay?"

Ryouga smiled nervously. "Oh, sure. I'm fine. I just, uh, I'm fine.
Thanks."

Shampoo glomped onto Ryouga. "Shampoo so worried about Ranma! Shampoo
glad Ranma not sick!"

Ryouga patted her arm affectionately. "That's very sweet of you,
Shampoo. I don't deserve such warm concern! You're such a caring
girl."

Snap. Akane broke her third set of chopsticks.

"Oh my!" Kasumi said.

Shampoo gave Ryouga a quick peck on the cheek and went into the kitchen.

Soun turned angrily to Ryouga. "Just what is going on here, Ranma?!"

Ryouga shrugged innocently. "What? Can't a guy be polite to a cute
girl?"

Genma held up a sign: "You already have a fiancee', you ungrateful
child!"

Ryouga nodded, gritted his teeth, took a deep breath and said, "Some
fiancee'. Who's want to marry a... uh... uncute tomboy like her,
anyway?"

"Who said I wanted to marry you anyway, you jerk?!" Akane went to the
counter by the front door to get another set of chopsticks.

Ryouga shrugged again. The plan was going well. By the end of the
night, the Tendos wouldn't want Ranma to have anything to do with Akane.
He smiled inwardly and took a sip of his tea.

Ryouga's smile disappeared quickly and his eyes widened. He set down
his cup quickly and shouted, "Excuse me!" Ryouga leapt to his feet and
ran toward the bathroom door. Seeing the plant blocking the door, he
hopped from foot to foot, and looked around in panic then ran out the
front door.

"Oh my!" Kasumi said.

Shampoo watched through the shutters as Ryouga sprinted out the door.
"Stupid Ryouga! Shampoo go bring back."

Shampoo crossed the dining area smiling to the guests and went out the
front door. She looked around but saw no sign of Ryouga. He had to be
around somewhere. Possibly he ran into one of the neighboring
restaurants to use their bathroom. She had to act quickly or else he'd
become lost and the plan would be ruined. Shampoo headed into the
takoyaki restaurant across the street.

In the bathroom of the Nekohanten, Ranma stood wearily from the toilet,
flushed it, and washed his hands. He must not be feeling very well.
Better make a visit to Doctor Tofu tomorrow. Might be coming down with
a flu or something.

He pushed on the door but it wouldn't open. Felt like there was
something blocking it. Ranma pushed harder and the door slowly yielded.
He stepped out into the dining area, looked at the potted plant which
had been blocking the door, shook his head in confusion and took his
seat. "Sorry 'bout that. I'm okay now."

The Tendos and Genma stared at Ranma. Their heads swivelled together to
look at the front door of the Nekohanten. Then they all looked back at
Ranma. Nabiki cleared her throat. "Uh. Never mind."

Shampoo left the takoyaki restaurant and looked around her. Ryouga
hadn't been in the bathroom there but he had to be somewhere nearby. She
looked around at the people out in the night. About half a block away
she spotted Ranma's familiar form. Finally, there was Ryouga.

Tsubasa walked down the sidewalk, proud of his new "Ranma" disguise. It
had taken some work but it was perfect. Even Ukyou-sama would believe
he was Ranma. He stopped to admire his work in the reflection of a
window. Perfect!

Shampoo stomped up to him and demanded, "What you doing here? We get
back to restaurant or plan not work!" She grabbed Tsubasa by the arm
and dragged him back toward the Nekohanten.

Tsubasa spluttered, "But... but..."

"No but!" Shampoo stopped in front of the Nekohanten. "Wait here while
Shampoo get rid Ranma." Shampoo went inside and left Tsubasa alone on
the street.

Tsubasa looked around in confusion. He didn't want to be here. He
wanted to get back to the Ucchan and Ukyou-sama. He started to leave
when Shampoo came back outside.

"Where going? Nekohanten this way!" Shampoo dragged the struggling
Tsubasa through the front door of the restaurant.

Shampoo pushed him down into Ranma's seat and went into the kitchen
where she had left the real Ranma.

The Tendos and Genma stared at Tsubasa. Their heads swivelled together
to look at the kitchen door of the Nekohanten. Then they all looked
back at Tsubasa. Nabiki cleared her throat. "Don't look at me. I give
up."

Tsubasa looked around at the others. "Er, uh..." He glanced around for
something to distract them. He looked down at his bowl. "Oh! Special
Deluxe Ramen!" Tsubasa picked up his chopsticks and started eating.

In the kitchen, Shampoo grabbed a jar and handed it to Ranma. "Ranma
open this jar."

Ranma looked at the jar and easily twisted off the cap. He set the jar
down. "Is that all? Can I go back now?"

Shampoo grabbed another jar at random. "Open jar, Ranma!"

Ranma opened the jar and set it down. "Come on, Shampoo. These aren't
closed that tightly. Why can't you open them yourself?"

Shampoo looked around desperately and grabbed an entire shelf full of
jars which she heaped into Ranma's arms. "Ranma open jars! Shampoo be
right back!"

Ranma watched Shampoo go back into the dining area. He looked at the
huge pile of jars in his arms, shrugged, and set to work opening them.

Shampoo stood by the table and laid a hand on Tsubasa's shoulder. "All
good? Anything Shampoo get for guests?"

Tsubasa and Akane both stared at Shampoo's hand. Akane flushed an angry
shade of purple while Tsubasa blushed an embarrassed pink. Tsubasa
didn't want to be here. He wanted be at the Ucchan with his Ukyou-sama.
What was he doing here?!

Tsubasa picked up his cup of tea and begin to take a sip. Shampoo
yelped and knocked the cup out of Tsubasa's hand, drenching him in
drugged green tea. "Oh! Shampoo so clumsy!"

Tsubasa looked down at his beautiful costume. It was soaked in tea!
He'd have to get the stains out quickly before they set. Tsubasa pushed
away from the table and stood. "Er, excuse me." Patting at his stained
shirt with a napkin, Tsubasa went into the bathroom.

"I'm back!" Ryouga walked in through the front door of the Nekohanten
and waved. "Sorry about that. Don't know what came over me." Ryouga
approached the table and took Ranma's seat.

The Tendos, Genma, and Shampoo stared at Ryouga. Their heads swivelled
together to look at the bathroom door of the Nekohanten. Then they all
looked back at Ryouga. Shampoo glanced at the kitchen door and cleared
her throat. "Shampoo very sorry, Ranma! So clumsy!"

Ryouga gave her a confused, blank stare. What was she talking about?
Did Ranma do something weird while he was gone? "Uh, don't worry,
Shampoo-chan. It was my fault, really!"

Shampoo looked confused. Was this Ranma or Ryouga? It had to be Ryouga
or else Ranma was acting a lot nicer than usual. She looked at the
bathroom door then the kitchen door. "Um, please excuse Shampoo!"
Shampoo backed over to the kitchen door, bowing apologetically.

Shampoo found Ranma sitting on the kitchen floor opening jars. With a
twist, Ranma opened the last jar and set it down with the others. He
looked up at Shampoo in annoyance. "Is that it? No more jars you need
opening?"

Shampoo peeked through the shutters. If Ranma was still here in the
kitchen, then that must be Ryouga in the dining area. But she still
couldn't see how he'd gotten from the bathroom to the front door so
quickly. Even Ryouga's sense of direction couldn't be so bad that he
managed to go the wrong way out of a bathroom with only one door.

Ranma coughed, "Ahem. No more jars, Shampoo? Can I go back and finish
eating now?"

Shampoo thought quickly. "Uh, no more jar, Ranma. Ummm..." Shampoo
reached out a hand to help Ranma to his feet then twisted suddenly,
causing Ranma to fall on the open jars, splattering him with a dozen
different spices and sauces.

"Aww, Jeez!" Ranma wiped at his soiled clothes with his hands.

"Oh, Ranma! Shampoo so sorry! Shampoo just so clumsy tonight! Here,
Ranma wash in kitchen sink." She grabbed Ranma's shirt and started to
yank it off of him.

"Hey! Hold on! I can do it myself!" Ranma stood up and walked back to
the rear of the kitchen where Cologne was keeping an eye on Mousse as he
washed the dishes.

Shampoo breathed a sigh of relief and went back into the dining area.

Ryouga looked up as Shampoo entered. "Uh, everything okay,
Shampoo-chan?"

Akane pelted Ryouga with her chopsticks which snapped against his
forehead. "What is with this `Shampoo-chan' business anyway?!" She
folded her arms angrily.

Nabiki patted her on the shoulder. "Hey, calm down. No need to get so
jealous."

Akane screamed, "I AM NOT JEALOUS!!!"

"Oh my!" Kasumi said.

Shampoo had to get Ryouga out of the dining area before Ranma came back.
"Ranma! Strange man outside! Scare Shampoo! Ranma go check, yes?"

Ryouga looked confused for a moment then glanced back at the kitchen
door. Shampoo gave a tiny nod. Ryouga winked back and stood. "Sure
thing, darling. Don't you worry. I'm sure it's nothing but I'm only
too happy to check."

Ryouga waved and headed out the front door and into a sudden rain. He
looked down at the sudden appearance of breasts beneath his shirt. "Oh,
great! Just what I need... This is not going well."

"My sweet Ranma-chan!!!" Ryouga looked up in surprise to see a tiny old
man leaping for his chest. Happousai glomped onto his front and
joyfully cried, "Oh, how wonderful for an old man to be so comforted in
his old age! Just let me rest here in your bosom!"

"GET OFF ME!!!" Ryouga stumbled backward across the street, barely
avoiding the traffic, while trying to break Happousai's vice-like grip
on his breasts.

In the bathroom of the Nekohanten, Tsubasa wiped the last bit of tea
from his shirt. There, it was finally clean again. Now he could get
out of here and go back to the Ucchan where he could put his plan into
action. He stepped back out into the dining area and started to head
for the door.

The Tendos, Genma, and Shampoo stared at Tsubasa. Their heads swivelled
together to look at the front door of the Nekohanten. Then they all
looked back at Tsubasa. Nabiki cleared her throat but didn't say
anything.

Tsubasa waved to them nervously. "Uh, sorry. Gotta run. Bye-bye now!"
He ducked out the front door and leaned against a telephone pole. This
wasn't how his plan was supposed to work. At least he'd managed to get
away from them. Now he just wanted to catch his breath for a moment
before going to the Ucchan and his wonderful, beautiful Ukyou-sama.

In the rear of the kitchen of the Nekohanten, Ranma wrung out his shirt
in the sink. Mousse gave Ranma a sideways glare while he washed the
dishes. "Ranma Saotome, I don't know what kind of game you're trying to
play here but if you think I'm going to just stand by while you try to
take my darling Shampoo from me..."

"What are you talking about?! I'm just trying to have dinner here!"

Cologne whacked Mousse on the back of the head with her staff. "You
just worry about the dishes, Mousse. This doesn't concern you." She
turned to Ranma as he pulled his shirt on. "Don't mind him. His vision
is always a little clouded."

Mousse turned angrily. "I can see through your scheme just fine!" He
faced Ranma, balling up his fists in anger. "Ranma Saotome, PREPARE TO
DIE!!!"

Mousse swung his arms toward Ranma, unleashing a barrage of double-edged
razors, pointy sticks, and rubber chickens. Ranma performed a quick
backflip, avoiding the assault, and landed deftly across the kitchen.
"Aw, man! All I wanted was a quiet dinner! Is that so much to ask?"
Ranma spun about and ran out into the dining area.

"Get back here, Ranma!" Mousse leapt across the kitchen, knocking over
a set of wire shelves as he went. Cologne hopped across the kitchen on
her staff to stop him but came to a sudden stop as the tip of her staff
became jammed in the wire mesh of the shelves. Curse that, Mousse! He
was getting better. She watched him follow Ranma into the dining area
as her staff twanged back and forth. Mousse's fights with Ranma were
causing his skill to improve. One day, he might be a match for Shampoo.
Cologne shook her head. No, that could never happen.

Ranma sprinted across the dining area and out the front door, followed
closely by Mousse.

The Tendos, Genma, and Shampoo stared at front door. Their heads
swivelled together to look at the kitchen door of the Nekohanten. Then
they all looked back at front door. Nabiki cleared her throat. "Oh
my!" she said.

In the street, Tsubasa pushed himself away from the telephone pole and
prepared to head off to the Ucchan. The front door of the Nekohanten
flew open with a crash and Ranma came barrelling out into the street.
The rain quickly soaked him but Ranma hardly seemed to notice his
transformation into his female form. Instead he stared in confusion at
Tsubasa, a perfect likeness of his male form. "What the...?!"

Mousse skidded to a halt in the door of the Nekohanten and looked back
and forth between the two of them. He placed his thick glasses over his
eyes and stared. There were two Ranmas here. One male, one female.
Two! Then he looked past them and noticed another female Ranma
struggling with Happousai across the street. Three Ranmas?!!

"Uh, Saotome... er..." he stammered. How could there be three Ranmas?
Three Ranmas! One Ranma was bad enough but how could he ever compete
with three Ranmas? Mousse's head started to swim and he fainted,
falling forward into the rain.

Ranma looked down at the unconscious duck then back to Tsubasa. He
grabbed Tsubasa by the shirt collar. "Okay, just what the heck's goin'
on here?!"

Across the street, Ryouga pounded Happousai on the head with a public
mailbox until he let go. "Stay away from me, you freak!"

"Oh, how cruel of you to break an old man's heart!" Happousai cried
theatrically into his sleeve. Ryouga wasn't fooled for a moment.

"There you are!" a voice behind Ryouga shouted. He spun around to face
Kodachi, the Black Rose. "You wicked girl, obstacle to my love for my
dear Ranma-sama! The Black Rose will make you pay!"

"Oh, how this old man's heart weeps!" Happousai cried.

Ryouga looked at Kodachi, then at Happousai, then back at Kodachi. He
didn't know which was worse. A creepy old man or a creepy young girl.

"All I want is for you to console me in my autumn years," Happousai
wailed as he leapt into Ryouga's bosom again.

"YAAAIIIGGGHH!!! GET OFF MEEEEE!!!!"

Happousai looked up into Ryouga's face and frowned. "Well, if that's
the way you feel..." He dropped from Ryouga's breasts to the ground,
whipped out his pipe, and tossed Ryouga sailing away into the air.

Kodachi spun about to watch Ryouga's rapidly disappearing form. "You
won't get away that easily! The Black Rose is without fatigue!" She
took off down the street after him.

Happousai inhaled on his pipe and watched Kodachi as she tore off down
the street. Such a sweet girl. So young and ripe. He turned away and
noticed Ranma and Tsubasa across the street. How did he get back so
quickly? Oh well, it didn't matter.

"My sweet Ranma-chan!!!" Ranma looked up in surprise to see a tiny old
man leaping for his chest. Happousai glomped onto his front and
joyfully cried, "Oh, how wonderful for an old man to so comforted in his
old age! Just let me rest here in your bosom!"

"GET OFF MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Read this in Akane's voice yet again...]

Just what is going on? If Ranma's here with us, who's that girl Kunou
and Ukyou are chasing around? Next time on "Ranma 1/2", "Black Rose
Affair" Stay tuned!

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/|/ __..---~~~~---...---~~~---..._
/ \ Ranma 1/2 `_
, | |\\ Dov "Kuma" Sherman ;
(,\| `''7 DS5...@Stat.Appstate.Edu .'
>[(=---< "Kawaiikunee! Iroke ga nee!" `
</ ) )@ ---...____....__..-------...-'
'~`--~