[Ranma][FanFic] Biker 1/2 chapter 18
Calum Wallace
I'm getting bored of you trying to get me to say it's my fault. But it's
not.
Words in "<this>" kind of brackets are spoken in Cantonese.
Chapter 18: Welcome to the Madhouse
'I'm not crazy... You're the one that's crazy!" - Suicidal Tendancies,
'Institutionalized'
************************************
Akira glared at Ranma. They were back in the black market harbour the
Saotome ship had docked at
"So mind telling me exactly what the fuck is going on?"
"These're th' Amazons who didn't want ta piss Clan Saotome off."
"You what?"
"Aw fer fuck sake! Shampoo - let's tell this wanker what's goin' down!"
Shampoo ambled over from where she had been chatting with some friends.
"You is wanting total story, no?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get on with it already."
"Mind yer fuckin' manners unless ya want a boot up th' anus."
Akira rolled his eyes. "Would someone mind telling me just what the fuck's
going on around here?"
Shampoo snorted. "Hmph. There be devision in Joketsuzo. How you say -
Conservative and Reformist. Kou Loun be leader of Conservative faction. Mi
Soon be leader of Reformist faction. The split be over returning to Clan
Saotome."
"Let me guess - this crowd are the Reformists?"
"Is so. Us done fight with Conservatives and take as much stuff as we trucks
can haul. Of course, everyone Reformist come, and they families.
Conservatives now have man shortage. Is Reformist - how you say - Policy?"
"That's th' one."
"Yes. Is Reformist policy for to let men do what the hell them please."
"Ah. And most of the guys don't like being told what to do?"
"Is so. Them be sick of it."
"Bloody hell, man... I never foresaw this happening..."
"An' all it took ta do wuz a Ranma. Ya sure are a fuckwit, Akira. Ya woulda
charged in an' blasted everythin' in sight."
Akira paused. "Well, yes. It seemed like the obvious path."
"Well duh. Ya woulda lost a mob o' allies ya wanker!"
"Oh, for fuck sake! When are you going to start giving me some respect?"
"Th' day ya fuckin' earn it. Ya ain't caused nowt but fuckups fer me. So ya
ain't got no respect from me. Get used ta it."
"I suppose we should get everyone aboard and sail as soon as possible."
Ranma turned round.
"OKAY, MI SOON! LOAD 'EM!"
"You're taking the trucks?"
"Yeah. Of course we fuckin' are! They can go inta th' haulage business an'
earn a bit o' good old fashioned wedge that way."
************************************
The only sounds were the sea and the rumble of the ship's diesel engines. It
was a clear night and almost flat calm. The ocean swell had faded during the
day to a gentle lift and fall.
Mi Soon looked down from her silent stargazing as someone jumped onto the
roof of her truck beside her. She was about to ask exactly what whoever it
was thought they were doing when the newcomer's scent hit her. All that came
out of her mouth was a strangled gasp.
Akira Saotome grinned at the wizened woman.
"Good evening, Morian... Or should I say Mi Soon? Long time no see."
"Aki? Is it really you? I thought you were..."
"Dead? No, it takes far more than a few walking corpses to take this old dog
down, little sister."
Mi Soon kept staring at him. She finally regained control of her speech
centres.
"We should never have let my daughter tear us apart."
"Disgusting isn't it? A bloody - minded teenage girl seperating her mother
and her uncle. Shattering an entire family."
Mi Soon sighed and nodded. "She is such a handful... at least I never taught
her the ultimate techniques."
"We must be grateful for small mercies."
Mi Soon snorted. "More like we must be glad I had some sense left. She
eventually usurped me, the ungrateful brat."
"So Kou Loun turned out as much of a bitch as I expected."
"You always knew what people would end up like."
"My sixth sense has always been the strongest in the Clan... Sis, why do you
let yourself look like a prune?"
Mi Soon snorted. "Wonderful idea of my daughter's. We have to 'look our
age'. And as I'm 176 years older than she is... I think I'll change my body
back."
"Good. You used to be beautiful." Akira said it as a statement of fact.
"I wonder what Ranma would think if he knew Xian Pu was his seventieth
cousin a few hundred times removed."
"I doubt the lad would give a shit."
"Good for him... You haven't changed much."
Akira sighed. "On the surface maybe. Now I'm just waiting to die."
"Why? What's burnt you out?"
"The Clan. I'm afraid I'm no longer a very popular leader."
"Oh? What did you do wrong?"
"I don't know. I really don't know, sis... it's like I try so hard but
nothing ever works out. I concentrate real hard but I just screw up
everything."
"Maybe you're trying too hard."
"We've got fifty or sixty splinter groups, there's mumblings of discontent
even from the loyal members of the Clan, my heir is shitting on me... what
the hell did I do to deserve this? People are saying I should be thrown
out!"
"Ouch! That is serious!"
Akira nodded miserably. "Yeah. I know. It's a first."
"Yes, discontented Amerai have historically always simply removed themselves
from their Clan. I remember hearing tales of a Clan which died out that way
- the Packmaster was simply abandoned by her entire Clan. But overthrowing
the ruling Packmaster? That's never been done!"
"If I don't die soon I think it's going to happen."
A new voice joined the conversation. "Hey, Akira - I guess that's what ya
get fer bein' a fuckhead. I been talkin' ta th' crew an' everyone I talked
to ya shat on fuckin' heavy. Leaders can only lead when they got support
from who they're leadin' an' fuckin' people over ain't th' way ta earn their
support. Hadn't ya figured that ya dickhead?"
"Ranma? What are you doing up here?"
"Eavesdroppin'. What does it look like ya fuckwit? Oh yeah, ya doin' th' big
crybaby act but why don't ya switch yer fuckin' brains on? Next time think
before ya send yer advisor's parents on a suicide mission. Think before ya
force someone ta marry their daughter ta someone she hates. Think before ya
have someone's girlfriend killed. Think before ya force people ta do stuff
they think's stupid. Think before ya punish people fer screwin' up. But
then, it's far too late fer ya. Yer already fucked, old man. Because
everyone hates yer guts. Me an' my gang included! Ya know, if I felt like it
ya'd get flung over th' side wiv a big fuck off lump o' rock tied ta yer
feet. Yer lucky I don't like murderin' people."
Ranma rolled over and slid off the truck's canvas tilt, landing neatly on
his feet.
"Wait! How much did you hear?"
"Enough. Enough ta know yer a dickhead."
He swaggered away towards the bridge.
Akira stared after him. "That blasted boy!"
"Hmph. I think Ranma will make the Packmaster this Clan needs."
"Oh wondeful, sis. Why don't you screw the knife in further?"
************************************
Ranma walked into the bridge.
"Hey, guys!"
Everyone looked up. "Yeah?"
"I overheard Akira bawlin' his thick head off out there. Th' fuckhead knows
he's fucked. An' I told him why."
The helmsman stared at him. "Er - why?"
"Because he's too stupid ta figure it out, th' fuckwit. He don't know th'
meanin' o' cause an' effect because he's a total wanker."
"Er - you sure you can get away with talking about him like that?"
"Yeah. I fuckin' am. I could rip his fuckin' head off an' shit down his neck
before he even saw me fuckin' move."
"Er - why don't you?"
"Because I don't feel like gettin' even further inta this crap before I need
ta."
"You what?"
"I'm already up ta my neck in fuckin' weirdness. Ya really think I need
more?"
Nobody answered that.
Ranma rolled his eyes and walked out the bridge. He headed down into the
bowels of the ship, finally arriving in the hold that was being used as
sleeping space for the Amazons.
"Hey! Heads up!"
Everyone looked round. Ryoga stood up from where she had been playing cards
with a trio of Amazons and sauntered over.
"Most of this lot are really shit at Japanese, bro."
"An' yer gonna transulate - right?"
"Yeah, if you like."
"Thanks." Ranma looked round the room with a definite smirk on his face.
"Get this, everyone! Ya know how I said Akira ain't exactly th' most popular
leader ever? Well, he knows it an' I guess he's gonna jump before he gets
pushed."
Ryoga repeated him in Cantonese. A lot of people laughed.
"Hey, Shampoo! What's th' story?"
Shampoo stood up. "I be talking about old times."
"Right, gotcha. I gotta get some kip - see ya later."
Ranma headed back to his cabin.
************************************
They docked in Japan the next day. After some arguing Akira orgainsed
registration plates for the Amazon's vehicles and they headed homewards with
Ranma leading the way as usual.
Akira sat in his car and stewed. Takashi was driving. John Kirth was not in
the car - he was up ahead on his bike.
Akira picked up his mobile phone and called home.
"Sumiko. Its Akira... Yes, yes... I know that... No... No... Yes, go
ahead... Ah yes. Have every crewmember of the ship we used investigated...
Suspicion of sendition... Shut up and do it."
He switched the moblie off and pocketed it. He was still angry over the way
Ranma had slagged him off.
Whoever had told the boy all that stuff was going to pay dearly for it.
************************************
Ranma watched the road slide past beneath him. He had told the ship's crew
to put to sea and not come back until he called them. Something told him
that Akira would try some Naziesque stunt on that crew. And Ranma liked them
so he didn't want them getting fucked over because of him.
************************************
Akira growled something indistinguishable as his mobile rang.
He grabbed in and switched it on.
"Yes?... Sumiko?... You what?... They did WHAT?... Goddamnit!" He switched
the mobile off and dumped it.
"Damn that blasted boy to hell! This has got to be his doing!"
************************************
Nabiki sighed and put the headphones down.
"Akira Saotome, you are so stupid. Fancy, not using encryption or even
codes?"
A simple radio bug and she now knew he was as much of an arsehole as she had
suspected. And it seemed that Ranma had suspected as well. Certainly if the
bug he was carrying worked.
She turned and checked that the phone tap on Akira's mobile had worked.
************************************
Ranma turned his bike into the Tendo's driveway. The first thing that met
his eyes was a new building.
It had definitely not been there when they left five days ago. He read the
sign on the side. "Saotome Custom Cycles."
Ryoga skidded to a halt.
"Hey, Ryoga! Check it out! Looks like Dad's gone back inta business!"
"Way cool, man! Awesome!"
Kasumi looked up from where she was fiddling with her car's engine. "Like,
welcome back, dudes. How ya been?"
"Hey, this is so cool! How ya doin', Kasumi!"
"What's like, cool, man?"
"Dad's started workin' again, ain't he?"
"Like, yeah, man. The building got finished two days ago. It's like, he's
already gotten a lot of customers, man."
"Everyone sez Dad usta run th' best bike shop in Japan. Reckon he's gonna do
it again, huh? I seen a shitload o' old customs wiv SCC stickers."
Genma stuck his head out of the workshop's side door.
"Ranma! Ryoga! Ranko! You're back!"
"Yeah, sure as shit an' bigots an' smellin' twice as bad. How's business?"
"Picking up nicely. I'm getting a lot of my old customers from Osaka."
"Yeah well, once word spreads around we're gonna be stinkin' rich, huh? Ya
want me workin'?"
"Once business has picked up I'll need help, son. I've got four jobs on at
the moment. Finishing that build for Tendo, fitting a turbo to a GSXR800, a
chop frame build and restoring an old Norton... Say, I could use your help
on the Norton, she's needing a new piston - conrod - crank set."
"OK, I'll get stuck in later. But right now we gotta figure where half a
thousand Amazons can doss down."
"You what?"
Ranma sniggered and started his explanation.
************************************
Shampoo sat and stared into space. The sight and sound of several hundred
Amazons setting up a cramped camp in and around the Tendo's back garden was
downright disturbing. These people belonged in China, not Japan.
Mi Soon and several elders were away trying to buy houses - it turned out
that the immense amounts of motorcycle noise and intermittent violence
around the Tendo home had driven most of the neighbours to leave. It looked
like this small patch of Nerima was going to become the heaviest
concentration of werewolves per square metre on the planet.
Her brother was tinkering with his motorbike nearby. Ranma was chatting with
him while fiddling with his own bike. Ryoga was nowhere in sight but the
occasional thud and roar of afterburners announced that the big catgirl was
doing what she did best - showing off. Akane was out of sight as well.
Mortise and Ranko were having another of their little chats. John Kirth had
taken off somewhere. Even Nabiki was busy.
This left Shampoo completely alone and it was beginning to piss her off.
She started looking around for familiar faces in the crowd of Amazons. One
immediately jumped out at her. Long black hair. Spectacles. White robes that
made her think of a trenchcoat these days.
She stood up and hurried over to where Ranma and her bother were.
"Ranma, there be problem."
"Huh? Wazzup? Some fuckhead decided ta start on onea us?"
"Not yet."
"Waddya mean 'not yet'?"
Her brother looked up. "Huh? Oh... I think I seeing what you say."
Shampoo glanced the way he was looking. "Yes. Mu Tze."
"Er, what the fuck's a moose?"
"Not moose. Mu Tze. Him be I ex."
"Onea yer old flames come ta town?"
"Yes. Him have much big crush on I..."
"An' ya incouraged it once?"
Shampoo nodded. "We once be lovers but we broke up. He no see it that way."
Ranma shut his eyes and groaned loudly. "Aw, great. Does every chick in town
have a fuckin' ex who ain't given up?"
"Huh?"
"Ya know that chick I wuz fightin' when ya showed up? She wuz Akane's ex...
Ya do know Akane's bisexual don't ya?"
Shampoo nodded. "Yes."
Ranma paused. Something in her tone of voice made him feel that the girls
had left him a bit out of the loop at one stage.
"Right. Well, it seems every chick who comes near me's gotten some shithead
ex who don't know th' meanin o' 'fuck off'. I had that shit a few times
before I met Akane."
"Huh? Akane no be your first?"
"Nah. I been dumped fuckin' heavy a time or two. An' there's bin a time or
two when me an' a chick just felt like a fuck. An' of course there's a
couple o' chicks who I hadta split wiv when Dad decided ta get outta town."
Shampoo paused. "Er - when your first?"
"Aw, back when I wuz fourteen. Back in Osaka. Me an' this chick wuz a lot
too pissed. Hey we'd bin hangin' together fer weeks. We hadta split when I
headed fer China wiv Dad." He sighed. "If all this hadn't come up we'd still
be together... Ya shoulda seen her old boyfriend when he found out he'd bin
dumped - I had ta beat th' shit outta him a time or two."
"I not think Mu Tze be give up."
"If he goes at it too fuckin' hard I'll kill him."
"I know."
A male voice with a faint Chinese accent came from behind them.
"Xian Pu!"
She groaned. "Fuck off, Mu Tze!"
Ranma looked up from his carburettors. "Yer her ex, right?"
"Ex?"
"Ex-boyfriend ya wanker! An' ex gimp wiv a white trenchcoat if ya don't
watch it!"
"So what's that meant to mean?"
Ranma smirked. "Are ya gonna tell him or shall I?"
Shampoo paused for a second. "Mu Tze, I be married."
"WHAT?"
Ranma casually stepped over his bike. "So lay offa my wife!"
"WHAT!?!"
"Ya heard me, fuckhead. Th' name's Ranma Saotome. An' in about eight months
there's gonna be another Saotome if ya get my drift..."
"Does that mean what I think it means...?"
"I be pregnant."
Mu Tze looked back at Ranma. "Nothing personal, but I'm gonna rip you in
two!"
Ranma drew his gun. "Well, yer gonna be spittin' up lead!"
"What? Have you no honour whatsoever?"
"Nah. I'm just a guy who looks out fer his family. Honour means doin' what
society sez is th' right thing all th' time. Fuck that - I'm gonna do what I
think's th' right thing all th' time."
A groan came from the left. Ranma rolled his eyes.
"Is that you, Mum?"
Nodoko Saotome pushed her way out of the crowd. "Damnit, Ranma! I-"
"Ya want me ta be somethin' I just plain ain't. I am what I am and yer just
gonna have ta live with it. Sorry but there's only one thing that can make
me change. An' that's me."
"Erm, excuse me, madam... I was trying to start a fight here..."
Nodoko snorted and looked down herself.
"Madam? I'm a truck driver."
"That doesn't mean I don't need to be polite."
Ranma shoved his gun back into his pocket. "Hey, Moose or whatever th' fuck
yer name is! If a fight's what yer wantin' come on out the front where we
gotten some elbow room an' I'll fuckin' give ya one! Are ya up fer it?"
Mu Tze paused. "That's Mu Tze, not Moose or whatever you said. After you."
"Nah, ya go first. Feel free ta walk backwards if ya think I'm gonna cheat."
Mu Tze shrugged. "Makes no difference to me."
The two young men walked out onto the street in front of the house with
Nodoko, Shampoo and her brother trailing behind them.
Ranma stopped in mid street. "Okay. This'll be our first an' last an' only
meetin' unless yer wantin' me ta blow yer brains out. Everythin's set. Ya
ain't gonna change anythin' by fightin' me but if it gives ya any
satisfaction... OK?"
"Hmph. Very well... Are you ready?"
"Yeah - let's rock an' roll, fuckwit!" Ranma yanked his length of chain out
of his pocket and set it spinning round his hand.
Mu Tze smirked. He shot his hands outwards.
Three sledgehammers, a running chainsaw, two anvils, a safe and a Trabant
explode out of up his sleeves and flew straight for Ranma.
"How the fuck..." Ranma jumped over the car, caught the chainsaw, used it to
deflect the sledgehammers and the battleaxe then ducked the safe."...Wuz
that up yer sleeve?"
"Nice dodge... dodge THIS!"
'This' was an absolute storm of old nails. They burst out of Mu Tze's coat
like buckshot. And Ranma was smack in their path.
He had time for one explosive "Fuck!' before he was engulfed. Mu Tze
launched a combine harvester after them. The machine smashed down right in
the centre of the mess of nails that had Ranma inside it.
"Good riddance-" he began.
A feral snarl from under the wrecked combine harvester interrupted him.
And that's it for now.
NOTES
Next - we have an ickle bit of mindless violence, Ranma goths out and the
Saotome trio finally find that tape...
Any C&C to dog...@ratbike.org please.
GLOSSARY OF TERMS
Ratbike - A motorbike made to look as fucked up and unroadworthy as possible
while still being street legal. Normally painted flat black.
Honda CG125 - Small single - cylinder 4-stroke road bike. Not very much of
anything but supremely reliable and dirt cheap. It's reliability stems from
having very little to go wrong and a low - revving 4-stroke engine.
Honda Fireblade - Insane Honda sportsbike. Mad but beginning to show it's
age.
Supercharger - A pump driven off the crank that forces more air into the
engine thus forcing it to run faster.
Nitrous oxide - Laughing gas. A petrol - nitrous mix burns faster than a
petrol - air mix therefore produces more horsepower and more wear in the
engine.
Top yoke - The yokes are two pieces of metal that hold the front forks
together and to the bike. The top yoke is the upper one. Known as triple
clamps in the US.
Gixer - Slang for a Suzuki GSXR (one of the craziest bikes built).
Chain lube - Motorbike chain lubrication oil.
Header tank - Tank that contains the spare water for the radiator on a
sealed cooling system as found in most cars.
Gasflowing - trimming off excess metal from inside the cylinder heads to aid
the burn rate of fuel within the engine. Gives a small horsepower boost.
Final drive - the drive chain that goes from the gearbox to the back wheel
and the cogs (final drive sprockets) that it runs on.
Conrod - The bit of metal that connects the piston to the crankshaft.
Alternator - Higher tech version of a generator.
Kill switch - The engine's 'off' switch. Turns off power to the ignition.
Lid / skidlid - Slang for a crash helmet.
250 Superdream - CB250. The next up the Honda model range from the CG125 and
just a bigger version of the same.
500 Superdream - CB500. A CB250 with a bigger bore and heavier frame.
Engine clicking - An internal combustion engine heats up when run. Run it
hard and it heats up more, then when you switch off the engine will start
emitting a series of sharp clicks as the metal cools and contracts.
Stocker - unmodified factory - built vehicle.
Binned - crashed. Normally means written off.
Steering damper - a long, thin shock absorber that fits between the forks
and the frame. Helps steady the steering.