[Ranma][FanFic] Repost - Biker 1/2 book 1 - chapters 27-29
Doghead Thirteen
Book 1 - Opening moves - part 5.
LEGALISTIC SHIT and RANT
Ranma 1/2 is not mine, no no i didn't do it you can't make me say it woz my
fault
THIS FIC WOULD BE 18-RATED IF YOU FILMED IT AND GAVE IT TO THE BBFC!
There's audible off-screen sex (but no more, even Ranma has a right to some
privacy when he wants it and I'm no good at writing sex scenes) gratuitous
violence, character deaths, drugs, rock 'n roll and insane quantities of
swearing. If you can't handle it don't read it.
Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi and varied companies much bigger
than me; I'm just borrowing the characters and world without permission as a
way of learning to carry a decent plot. I'll put them back when I've
finished with 'em. I promise.
The Amerai, S'Vek, Sidhe, the Wade family, Clan Hakkenan, Rat Diva, Seven
Hope and all related concepts are property of Calum John Wallace (me) and
Mad Dog Games; all rights reserved and all that. If you want to use 'em in a
fic, please A) read Biker 1/2 carefully, it should give you a good idea of
what the Amerai are all about, B) ask for my permission and C) include me in
the prereaders for your tale.
Finally, at least four characters are gay or bisexual - if you can't handle
that then please be so kind as to fuck off. Like the alternate Ryoga of this
tale I have little time for homophobes due to certain problems suffered by
my (bisexual) elder sister.
note, I'm using "{this}" to denote things said in Cantonese and "[this]" to
denote things said in what wolves use for a language.
Chapter 27: The quick and the dead
"See what's ruling all our lives... see who's pulling strings" - Iron
Maiden, 'Be Quick or Be Dead'
"I was angry. I mean, waddya think? They just couldn't leave us th' fuck
alone." - Ranma Saotome on the Conservative Amazons.
***********************************
The Saotome-Tendo house and grounds were a hive of activity. Amazons
sprinted every which what way. Nabiki was overseeing the dropping off of a
large tarpaulin covered shape by a JGSDF tank transporter. Ranma busied
himself making sure the defences were in some sort of order. Every house the
Amazons had managed to buy was turned into a strongpoint. Street corners
became machine gun nests. Other people were frantically offloading crates of
ammunition from trucks. Akira had called in the absolute best troops Clan
Saotome had. Nodoka was overseeing the armouring of her truck - after the
last battle they had stashed the sheet steel used to protect her rig. After
all, Nodoka had a nasty feeling they would need it again. Soun went down to
the basement and opened a box that had sat undisturbed for the last sixteen
years - it contained a 'Chicago typewriter' drum fed Thompson sub-machine
gun his father had taken off a dead US Army trooper during the Second World
War and smuggled back into the country. He loaded it up with ammunition
scrounged off Akane then set to polishing his naginata. Happosai and Tiger
vanished into the dojo to do God-only-knows what.
Finally, three hours after Ranma and Nodoka had arrived back from the site
of the crash, everything was prepared. Werebird scouts took off in every
direction, searching for signs of the Conservative Amazons.
***********************************
Ranma shook his head.
"Goddamnit, we've been waitin' fer these fuckers fer six hours." He glanced
over at a scout who was gulping water from a flask, having arrived back
moments before. "Any signs?"
"No. I haven't seen a goddamn thing."
Another scout - a werefalcon - zoomed towards them at high speed, obviously
half panicked. She shifted back to human form and made a neat three point
landing on the roof of Nodoka's truck.
"THEY'RE-"
The unmistakable bellow of a .50 Browning heavy machine gun interrupted her.
Bullet holes appeared in the living room windows of the house. Shampoo, who
was going over some details with Kasumi, staggered as a slug hit her leg.
Ranma jerked round. A van marked as belonging to a local bakery had pulled
up; it's back doors were open and two Conservative Amazons were pelting the
house with shots from the machine gun they had set up in the back of the
van. He grabbed his rifle - an FN-FAL with an underslung 30mm grenade
launcher - and, firing from the hip, planted a frag grenade in the back of
the van. The vehicle exploded into a flaming wreck.
"BULLSEYE!" He leapt onto the roof of Nodoka's truck as she started it's
monster engine. A group of - obviously stolen - removal vans had skidded to
a halt and were disgorging Conservative troops at the end of the street.
The truck roared and belched black diesel smoke from it's mighty chrome
exhausts as Nodoka put the pedal to the metal.
Twenty tons of blue and chrome Kenworth doing 0-60 in three and a half
seconds is one hell of a sight. Add to that the express train like roar from
the gigantic Maybach V12 railway locomotive engine, the angular sheet steel
protecting the radiator, cab and wheels, the audible scream of the monstrous
supercharger sucking air through the two foot long airscoop mounted on the
bonnet, the twin plumes of fire and filthy black smoke that were now
belching from it's exhaust stacks and the minigun Akane had set up to fire
out of the passengers side windscreen - the glass had been hastily removed
and replaced with sheet steel - and you got the impression that this
particular truck had just come thundering straight out of the gates of Hell
with some form of blood-crazed speed demon behind the wheel. Said impression
wouldn't be far from the truth - Nodoka's personal way of dealing with
sorrow was to change it into anger and direct it at the nearest available
thing marked 'Target' and she was VERY upset about what had happened to Godo
Amachi.
The truck bore down on the tight group of Transit vans the forwards elements
of the Conservative Amazon forces had arrived in, AK bullets whining off
it's bodywork like angry wasps as the terrified Conservatives blasted away
at it.
Their fire was to no avail; this truck could plough through a police
roadblock without more than scratching it's huge bumper. The vans and their
former occupants were swept away like gnats before a charging rhinoceros.
Ranma smirked and jumped off the truck roof. The Amazon gunner opened fire
with her minigun as he jumped.
He landed in the middle of a pack of survivors who had been alert enough to
get clear of the vans in time.
It was at this point that he noticed something very odd. Around ninety
percent of said survivors were male. Male + Conservative Amazon front line
troops = Not.
The nearest man's eyes started glowing red as Ranma hit him.
"Oh shit! Fuckin' vampires!"
***********************************
"Mi Soon, do you see what I see?"
The blue-haired Amazon looked in the direction Mortise was pointing.
"Shit. Let's move it!"
Prince Herb spotted what they were looking at. He went from stationary to
Mach 1.6 in three feet and half a second.
So did Mi Soon and Mortise, rapidly followed by Akira and Genma.
***********************************
Five massive bangs - they sounded like thunderclaps - echoed across Nerima.
Nabiki glanced at the sky as she sprinted towards the tarpaulin covered
object her JASDF contacts had delivered using a tank transporter.
She skidded round a corner. A length of chain wrapped itself round her
ankles and she immediately went down, rolling with the fall like Ranma had
taught her.
"FUCKING MU TZE GET BENT!"
The shortsighted Chinese boy glanced at the source of the voice - Shampoo.
He immediately spotted the ragged bloody hole in her trousers.
A snarl appeared on his face and he pulled a pair of .50 machine guns out of
nowhere. Shampoo was halfway through recoiling from the sight when he opened
fire. At the Conservative Amazons.
Nabiki shrugged and kicked the chain clear of her legs then scrambled under
the tarp. A door slammed then a gas turbine began to spin up.
***********************************
Nodoka winced at the sight of Ranma suddenly becoming embroiled in a brawl
with a large group of vampires. If her own experience with the undead proved
true they would chew him up and spit out the pips.
Her foot crashed down on the Kenworth's brakes, bringing it screeching to a
halt in an unreasonably short distance.
She snapped a terse order to her Amazon gunner and dived out, drawing her
katana.
***********************************
Ranma launched punch after punch, burning ki at an insane rate. His fists
cracked like a machine gun as they snapped back and forth faster than even
his own eyes could see. Adrenaline surged through his blood. His aura
entered the visible range as it hit maximum intensity.
It wasn't just vampires who's eyes glowed. Streaks of red fire started
shooting from under Ranma's mirrorshades. He had long since run his FAL dry.
Ranma Saotome was fighting for his life.
And that meant he was getting serious.
A fireball screamed in from his left, detonating in the face of the vamp
behind him. Nodoka leapt into the fray, her katana going like a windmill.
Even the awesome quantity of damage she was dealing out wasn't enough. The
two of them rapidly found themselves being pushed back, forced to pull out
all the stops, throw all the switches and let go with every ounce of ability
they had.
Then a humanoid fireball dropped into the centre of the melee, a massive
thunderclap as he decelerated.
Prince Herb smirked.
"Heads up, Ranma! The cavalry has arrived!"
Mi Soon appeared one side of him with another thunderclap. Akira appeared
the other side of her. Sixteen feet of werebear appeared behind Nodoka and
reached out round her, ripping the vampire she was about to cream into
shreds.
Then a certain thirty foot winged minotaur dropped to the ground beside
Herb.
Ranma laughed out loud.
***********************************
Akane shot Mao Xing, Shampoo and Lin-Lin a cocky grin.
"Shall we?"
"Yes, let's."
She checked her minigun's ammo and casually spun it up, firing a quick
quarter second burst at the ground as a test.
"Perfect."
Mao hit the trigger on his bike; it morphed into powersuit form, the varied
armour plates fading into existence. He hefted the 25mm cannon.
"I ready when you is."
Shampoo cocked her M60. "I ready."
Lin-Lin nodded and gave her brand new PSG-1 an affectionate pat.
Akane pulled a packet of chewing gum out of her pocket. She grinned.
"It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum... and I got plenty of gum..."
***********************************
Herb casually threw another foolhardy vampire out of the way, splattering
the unfortunate leech across the side of a house. He was starting to get
bored with this - ignore blow, grab vampire, throw away, ignore blow, grab
vampire, throw away, repeat ad nauseum.
This chain of actions and his daydream were interrupted when he grabbed
someone and they didn't go flying when he tried to throw them. Instead
whoever it was reversed the throw on him, sending him flat on his face on
the tarmac. Half a dozen vampires jumped on him. He blew them off by feeding
some hot ki into his battle aura and letting it explode, then stood up.
"Well," said a voice he hadn't heard in years. "Still throwing your weight
around, I see. You never do learn, do you?"
Herb turned round. "Flange. So we meet again... unfortunately."
"Yeah, you little shit. It's your turn to get your butt kicked, brother
dear."
"Shall we do it somewhere we won't blow up our differing allies?"
"Just what I was about to suggest. Meet you up there."
Flange jumped straight upwards. Much to everyone except Herb's surprise he
didn't drop back down. Herb smirked and sprung into the air to join him.
"Be warned, Flange. I've grown substantially stronger since Father threw you
out."
"Indeed? So have I."
Herb dispensed with formalities and blasted straight forwards. There was an
apocalyptic crack as he met Flange coming the other way.
***********************************
Happosai marched out of the dojo with a smug expression on his face. He was
no longer a two foot shrivelled old man - he had changed his human form back
into what it should be. In other words a clean shaven and marginally taller
version of Akira, only with about four feet of blazing red hair tied back in
a ponytail.
He observed the fight for a second, smirked then shapeshifted. Not into
anything anyone observing expected - oh no, he wasn't a werewolf any more.
Or a werecat. Or a werebear.
Instead he shapeshifted into a velociraptor.
Half a ton of warm-blooded, hyperactive, bloodthirsty prehistoric killing
machine named Happosai Saotome careered across the garden, smashed through a
wall and tore at full rip into the melee, bullets pinging harmlessly off his
scales.
He hit the fight head on and ripped a huge chunk out of a nearby
Conservative Amazon. Mortise was right - werewolf didn't taste too good.
But what the hell, Happosai was in dire need of a snack. A Conservative
Amazon tried to whack him on the head with her naginata. He casually blocked
the strike and ripped her in two with his spur claws then disembowelled
another three before anyone else had managed to react. He bit the next one's
head off even as she started spraying bullets at him - the slugs vaporised
on contact with his aura.
One gulp and said head shot down his gullet. At this point he realised the
only remaining Amazons in this particular patch of battle were 'friendly.'
He shot a toothsome grin at the nearest and bounded off towards the next
group of enemies. They naturally opened fire at him - not that it did them
any good.
Then one of them shapeshifted. Happosai muttered the velociraptor equivalent
of the words 'Oh shit.'
The Amazon he had been about to gobble expanded at an insane rate, finishing
at nearly fifty feet tall.
Big Momma T-Rex shot Happosai the Velociraptor a positively evil grin.
He shrugged. Being smaller than his opponents was something he was used to.
His next move was to catapult upwards, raking the Tyrannosaurus's face with
his spur claws. Unsurprisingly the slashes closed up; he landed neatly on
the T-Rex's back and started gnawing and clawing at the back of it's neck,
munching and hacking fast enough to prevent the wounds closing.
The T-Rex let out an enraged scream, ducked it's head down and charged a
nearby building, forcing Happosai to jump clear before he got a concrete
wall in the face.
***********************************
Ranma shot another glance at the ki blast firefight that was lighting up the
entire street. He shook his head and continued repeatedly introducing the
vampire in front of him to his knuckles. A swish and double thunk behind him
told him his mother had just decapitated another vampire. He planted a full
strength kick in the bouncing head before it could disintegrate, sending it
smashing through a window on the far side of the street. It burst into dust
with a puff of spent ki.
Genma zoomed past in front of him, piledriving another couple of vampires
into a nearby van wreck. Over to his left was a glittering, glowing disk of
naginata with a wildly pirouetting Soun Tendo in the middle, the odd clatter
of tommy gun shots arcing out to pepper any Amerai foolish enough to
approach the melee. Akira's pistol was crashing repeatedly off behind him.
All that was visible of Mi Soon was a flying cloud of punches, elbows,
knees, blocks, kicks, ki blasts and bites and the occasional cloud of dusted
vampire. Mortise was in his curse form and busying himself hammering
anything not Neriman within arm's reach into the ground. Considering he had
fifteen foot arms in his present form he could reach quite a lot.
There was another massive detonation above him as Herb unloaded another dump
truck sized ki blast at Flange.
***********************************
"Holy shit! Willya look at that?"
The soldier who had spoken glanced over at his squad lieutenant.
"What the fuck is that? Call the Colonel."
The radio operator grabbed the handset and spent a couple of minutes
fiddling with it. "No can do, Skipper. We've got broadband jamming active
right across half the city."
Lieutenant Dajiko Saotome shook her head. "Dana's love. Ah well, guess it's
time to follow his emergency orders. Everyone get your weapons ready, I
suspect we've got some supernatural ass to kick. Use explosive ammo."
"Some action? At fucking last."
"Can it, Sakamori. From the amount of ki flying around up there this is
gonna be bloody dangerous. No goddamn heroics, I don't wanna have to send
any of you boys home in a fucking box. Okay, Nikajima. Let's get this piece
of crap rolling!"
The squad's LAV-25 roared into life; it's blue beacon started pulsing and
the siren started it's eerie baying call. Nikajima rammed the vehicle into
gear and stomped on the throttle.
"I've gotten a directional on the jamming, Skipper."
"Good work. Guide us in!"
***********************************
"Fuck."
Ranko swore and grabbed the back of her knee. She threw herself flat on her
back against the rapidly cooling wreck of a van and let fly with her new leg
weapon. An FN Minimi light machine gun.
Much to her disgust it didn't have a lot of effect - her attackers didn't
even break their stride. "Shit!"
One of them suddenly flew over her head and impacted against the house
behind with an audible splat. Ryoga grinned at her half-sister.
"Hiya, Ranko. Need a hand?"
A large figure casually smashed another pair's heads together and threw them
away. Lime gave her a stupid grin."Uh - hi..."
A fourth attacker suddenly fell over in splattered pieces. Mint stepped
through the cloud of loose ki and sprayed blood.
"Can it, Lime. She's that Mortise guy's chick."
The three of them stopped beside her, turned round and gave the varied
people who had been attacking her three evil grins.
"Okay, you 'orrible lot! Try playing with someone your own size!"
***********************************
A missile whistled past between Akane and Mao Xing.
"Ha! They missed!"
The massive detonation behind them pointed out the fact the shot had been
right on target. Akane glanced over her shoulder and stopped dead in her
tracks.
"NABIKI!"
The blazing tarp covered shape didn't answer.
End of this bit.
Chapter 28: Death and destruction for fun and profit.
"Usta do a little but the little wouldn't do it so the little got more and
more. Just can't seem to get a little better said the little bitter country
boy" - Guns 'N' Roses,
"My dad was always there fer me. Always... Th' world just ain't th' same
without Dad, without his weird advice." - Ranma Saotome, remembering his
father.
***********************************
Akane stared at the blazing shape. Nabiki was somewhere in that mess.
Then she noticed the growing noise.
A gas turbine spooling up?
The burning tarp was shredded by what had been lurking under it - rotor
blades. Six very large rotor blades.
Akane gasped.
"Holy shit, it's a Hind D!"
The flying tank finished warming its engines up and took to the air with a
deafening roar.
***********************************
Nabiki eased the coaxial over, edging the Russian gunship sideways. She
grinned. All that simulator time wouldn't go to waste. Anyway, this felt so
much more than the flight simulator. She could feel the torque of the two
hefty gas turbines spinning away above and behind her, forcing the chopper's
rotor blades through the air with no regard for things like inertia.
Plus there was the multitude of green 'weapon ready' lights on the HUD.
The Americans built their helicopters to loiter around for ages waiting for
targets. The Russians used a satellite to find targets then sent the copter
to introduce said target to Mr. Firepower.
In general this meant that a Hind had a shitload more munitions than, for
example, an Apache. Sure, she couldn't stay in the air so long without
running out of fuel. But while she was up there she could cause an
incredible amount of damage.
She took note of Herb ki blast duelling with a guy she didn't recognise and
started pinging the stranger with a laser designator. After checking her
lock twice she launched an anti-tank missile. Said missiles didn't care if
you misapplied them as long as you gave them a laser beam to follow.
Herb nearly lost concentration as he spotted the ugly shape of a Russian
helicopter gunship popping out of the blazing tarp that Nabiki had
disappeared under. The source of the fire was easily apparent - the missile
had struck a fuel drum. Talking of missiles, one chose that moment to
corkscrew off the Hind's left weapons pylon and smash into the small of
Flange's back.
This wasn't enough to kill a Musk prince. But it was enough to completely
break his focus. Distracted by the explosion he glanced over his shoulder.
Herb didn't waste the opportunity. Another massive ki blast burst from his
hands and smashed into Flange's face. The Hind roared past Herb's ear.
Prince Herb smirked as bits of Flange rained onto the street below.
Scratch one renegade Musk.
Nabiki tugged back on the stick and gunned up the chopper's throttle,
lifting its nose well above the raging firefight on the streets below. She
left the throttle at full power and fished her handheld radio out of her
pocket.
***********************************
Dajiko stuck her head out of the turret hatch, FN-FAL ready. But she wasn't
expecting what had caused the noise.
"WHAT THE HELL?"
The Hind D didn't remark on that; it just swept past, ignoring the LAV-25.
Nabiki snorted as she noticed the eight wheeled IFV. Sweet fuck all good
that thing would be. The static on her radio finally cleared up a couple of
moments later.
***********************************
Mortise snarled. He had been transformed back to human by a well-aimed
thermos flask of coffee and was now being boxed in by nearly thirty enemy
vampires. And he was running low on ki.
He was in trouble and he knew it. A fist burst out of his chest, spraying
bits of his insides across the street. They vanished in puffs of dust and
wasted ki before they hit the ground
"Shit!"
He tried to get hold of his attacker but it was no good; his left arm came
off then everything went black.
***********************************
Ranma was starting to get worried. He and Nodoka had been separated in the
melee. His mother was still holding her own, but only just. He himself was
starting to get boxed in. His father had been pulled down and was no longer
visible. Akira and Mi Soon were both frenetically battering away at their
opponents. For every vampire that went down there seemed to be another two
waiting to get at him and his friends, and the only way he could get them to
stay down was by separating their heads from their bodies by a large
distance before they collapsed into dust. Mortise seemed to have lost his
fight - there was no longer any sign of combat where he had last seen the
vampire boy.
There was a massive 'Clump' noise. He spun round, kicking three enemies out
the way as he did so.
Herb smirked at him.
"Need a hand, Ranma?"
***********************************
Genma lay and stared at the varied vampires who were no longer paying the
battered werebear any attention, merely walking over him to get at their
other enemies. What a way to go. He could feel the lump of rock one of them
had rammed into his lungs.
Nodoka was fairly near to him. Maybe he'd be able to say goodbye before he
drowned in his own blood. Oh, and there was Akira.
Genma knew he was dying and really didn't give a shit any more.
Hang on, what the hell was Akira doing? The old werewolf couldn't see Genma.
Akira had just levelled a gun at the back of Nodoka's head from about six
inches away. When Genma had told Ranma about instincts he hadn't been
joking. His adrenaline glands kicked in for one final burst.
He may not like Nodoka much but she was still *his* lady.
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
***********************************
Akira smirked to himself. He had seen Genma go down, he didn't need to worry
about that misguided fool influencing Ranma any more. And the fight gave him
the perfect opportunity to get rid of the other obstruction - the boy's
mother.
He ignored the roar until the person it belonged to grabbed him. There was a
bloody mess of foam on Genma's snarling face. Akira saw this with startling
clarity as Genma grabbed his arm, wrenched it back, ripped the Beretta out
of his hand and gobbled the gun. Then he had a very close up view of Genma's
tongue as the dying werebear literally bit his head off.
***********************************
Nodoka heard the roar. She spun round. For half a second she had a view down
the barrel of Akira's handgun then Genma hit the older man like an express
train.
There was a flurry of motion then Akira's headless body slumped onto the
road. Genma swallowed, stared straight into her eyes for an interminable
instant then collapsed on top of Akira. His eyes closed then rolled open
again, staring sightlessly at Nodoka as the sixteen foot werebear shifted
back to his natural form - not the man she expected, instead Genma became a
rather large black bear. The wound that had killed him was easily visible -
someone had ripped up half a paving slab and rammed it right through his
chest. She went cold. She hadn't known her erstwhile husband very well and
now she never would. A layer of frost appeared all over her sword, clothes
and body. No one had the right to take that away from her.
And whoever had was about to pay with whatever they used for a life.
***********************************
Happosai jumped, landing on the T-Rex's back once more. He scurried up it's
neck and bit into the back of it's head, chewing frantically.
There was a cross between a bellow and a howl from the direction of the
house. Whatever caused it was very, very pissed off. Velociraptor and
tyrannosaurus both looked round.
Tiger stepped out of the garden and screamed again.
Then she shapeshifted. No longer was her battle form a large ugly bird -
instead she had looked at Happosai's 'modifications' and gone completely
overkill.
The end result was eighty feet of wolfwoman / horrible twisted thing that
looked like it'd crawled out of a Lovecraft novel / apatosaur hybrid.
Tiger grinned (with all three mouths) at the T-Rex, revealing the most
impressive set of dentistry ever seen the Nerima side of Jurassic Park.
Then she charged.
The T-Rex did it's damnedest to get the hell out the way.
***********************************
Something inside Ranma snapped as he saw his father go over.
"DAD!"
His aura lit up, casting a sickly greenish glow across the street. It roiled
around him like a sheet of flame. He only had one goal in mind - to get to
his dad.
Soun too was struggling to get to the same destination. Herb hung just
behind Ranma and blew anything stupid enough to attack the Saotome boy into
their component atoms.
Ranma knelt down beside the battered corpse of his werebear father.
"Dad... an' I never even got ta say goodbye..."
He yanked the chunk of paving slab out of the bear's chest and threw it
away, propelling it with a huge gout of ki. It ripped straight through the
melee, clearing a wide path as the vampires in it's way exploded into dust.
Ranma looked up. His eyes started glowing with an intense blue light as he
came to his decision.
"It's payback time."
***********************************
Nodoka whirled round, eviscerating another three vampires.
Her sword was stopped with a ringing clang and a huge spray of sparks before
it could hit the forth. She looked the leech in the eye.
A similar katana was gripped in the undead woman's hands.
The vampiress smiled.
"Interesting. I never dreamt I would face a blade capable of surviving
contact with my own." She gestured and the vampires surrounding her and
Nodoka stepped back.
Nodoka snorted.
"You took the words right out of my mouth. I trust you are aware of who you
face?"
"Indeed; Nodoka Saotome, the present Champion of the Moroboshi line, is it
not?"
"Correct. And you might be...?"
"I am Morranion S'Ket, bloodheir of Damien K'Gar and Mistress of the S'Vek
line. And I am not impressed."
"Nor am I. You know, I never thought I would see the day the S'Veks acted
lackey to filth like the Joketsuzo Conservatives."
"But how would a Mundane, even one as powerful as yourself, understand our
plan? A plan that has lasted six thousand years, and has another five
millennia before it comes to frutiation?"
"Enough with this. I did not come here to talk."
***********************************
Mi Soon shook her head as she spotted Nodoka facing down the wily old leech.
Ah well, she wasn't about to interrupt another woman's fight. Anyway, she
had problems of her own. The white-haired and very familiar figure at the
back of the melee was one such problem.
She dropped out of the air twenty feet from Kou Loun, brutally demolishing
six Conservative warriors as she landed.
"You're not welcome in this city, Kou Loun. Not until you stop your crap. I
thought we made that clear last time you attacked us."
"Ah, the old bitch herself. I hope you are prepared."
"Prepared? You're six hundred years too soon to defeat me, girl!"
"We can find out."
Much to Kou Loun's surprise Mi Soon assumed a very basic defensive stance.
Kou Loun was old enough, skilled enough and wise enough to know that meant
she was in very, very deep shit.
***********************************
Nabiki set the radio aside. She glanced back towards the Nerima suburbs.
"Hang on in there, people... the cavalry's coming."
She eased the stick over; the flying tank circled back towards the battle.
Massive blue flashes and the stark white light of gunfire was still
illuminating the city. The battle was beginning to spread from the confines
of the Amazon's defensive cordon; half of Nerima was going to get trashed if
things continued the way they were going. She narrowed her eyes as she
spotted the tight group of hastily camouflaged vans and trucks on the edge
of a nearby park. Spotting them was so easy with the infrared sights it was
sad, and they almost screamed 'Reserves' at her. She lost a bit of altitude
and roared up the street, the chopper's floodlights half blinding varied
drivers in the mob of traffic that was frantically trying to escape from
Nerima. People used to call this part of Tokyo 'Weirdness City'. If Ranma
gained any more heavily armed enemies they'd start calling it 'detonation
boulevard' or something, there was certainly enough unscheduled demolition
happening down there.
She selected the multiple rocket pods from her available firepower and bore
down on the vehicles in a manner reminiscent of Nodoka's truck. Rotor blades
replaced flame belching exhausts, searchlights replaced headlamps, miniguns
replaced large chrome bumpers and a pissed off five foot eight weretiger
replaced a pissed off five foot four demon hunter but the effect on the
people she had rightly guessed to be Conservative Amazon reserves was to all
intents and purposes the same.
"Okay, you shitheads! Attack my family on THIS!"
***********************************
Ranma winced as another series of massive explosions echoed across Nerima.
He didn't have time to do much more than that and hope it wasn't any of his
people.
He, Herb and Soun were now forming a triangle. They were completely boxed
in, they could no longer see or hear any other friendlies and the supply of
attacking vampires wasn't diminishing.
The three of them were no longer starting to get worried; the had finished
doing that a while back and were now getting extremely worried.
Kick, duck, triple punch combo, plant boot in available groin, sweep kick,
quickie ki blast into the interruption - the hot ki used for that attack was
too violent for a vampire to digest - follow that up with a couple of vacuum
blades, grab up a fallen AK47 and empty the clip into the crowd, block an
inbound attack with the gun and dump what was left of it... Ranma was
marginally above autopilot.
Herb had stopped enjoying himself a while back; the war of attrition the
undead scum were playing had become very obvious. He would have completely
exhausted his reserves of ki in another four to six minutes, and by that
time Ranma and Soun would be completely out of it. Well, maybe not Ranma -
that boy had serious potential. If he survived this fight.
It looked like a big 'If'.
As for Soun, he had gone into a Zen-like state most warriors only ever
dreamed of; completely focused, completely set on the task and slicing the
opposition into very small pieces. The vampires were only stopping him
breaking away from Ranma and Herb by sheer weight of numbers.
***********************************
Kas couldn't believe his eyes; werewolf-bashing was supposed to be easy,
even for vermin like his troops. He was starting to admire the two
werewolves and the half-dragon a *lot*. Between the three of them they had
already dusted over a hundred of his troops including his lieutenant
Hakamori.
He glanced around, trying to see who he could call on for assistance. His
old friend Morag was directing the scum Morranion had given her command of
forwards.
"Hey, fang-face! Over here!"
"Howdy, Kas? Having a little trouble I see?"
Kas snorted, casually disembowelling a Reformist Amazon who hadn't got the
message about not interrupting.
"I am impressed by those people. The Musk guy was bound to cause problems,
but I never expected those two werewolves to kick up such a fuss."
"You're not the only one they've managed to impress, Kas. Not by any stretch
of the imagination. The boy's mother is presently holding her own against
Lady Morranion herself."
"God damn..."
There was a clump as a Conservative Amazon elder landed by the two of them.
"Good work, they're almost in position. We only need to move them about six
feet further before the trap is sprung."
"We S'Vek keep our word. As long as you mutts stick to your side of the
bargain. I hope you don't 'accidentally' use the wrong spell, little
werewolf. Because if you do our contract with you will be null and void, at
which stage the battle will be over for you."
"Lord Kas, we are women of honour. We do not break our promises."
Kas accepted that with a brief nod. "Then get your magus into position."
"Already done, you are presently speaking to her."
***********************************
"Shit!"
Akane dived behind an overturned car as the Conservative troops hosed the
street with fire. The burning wreck didn't offer much in the way of
protection but at least it was cover of a sort. Shampoo hit the ground
beside her as Mao returned fire, the thump of the 25mm cannon echoing down
the street. Lin-Lin had taken up a position on the roof of Nodoka's trailer
some time ago and didn't show any sign of leaving. The crack of her sniper
rifle could be heard over the background clatter of AK fire every so often.
Akane waited until Mao had drawn the incoming fire away from the car, spun
her minigun up then rolled to her feet. She levelled the gun down the street
then hit the trigger. Shampoo's M60 could just be heard over the deafening
bellow of fire.
Another minigun came to life off down the street behind them; Akane
instantly recognised the note.
"Oh, hell - spider tanks! Come on!"
The three of them sprinted off towards the rampaging machine.
***********************************
"MOTHERFUCKER!"
Ranko crouched behind the remains of the wall. Ryoga kept ducking up,
spraying the spider tank with bullets and dropping back down; she chose a
different place to pop up each time. Each time her attack was answered by a
withering hail of fire. Mint and Lime were the other side of the wall,
desperately trying to lure the four spider machines away from the girls.
The rapidly growing howl of a fusion turbine announced the arrival of
assistance. Mi Soon had given Mao a rundown of the capabilities and optional
extras his mecha carried. Things like how to use it's flight mode.
He entered the fight by bodyslamming the nearest spider tank; considering
his powersuit was careening down the street at 93 miles per hour with it's
feet six inches off the ground at this point the result was impressive to
say the least. The spider tank was lifted clean off it's feet and landed
flat on it's back.
Before Mao could start pummelling it Lime grabbed it by the hindlegs and
started whirling six tons of spider tank round his head.
There was a massive SLAM as he brought it down on another one.
At this point Mint made a mistake. He stopped to watch. He had time to shout
"Holy sh-" before one of the two remaining spiders got a bead on him.
Mint dropped like a rock, a bloody hole where the left side of his face used
to be. The remaining duo of spider tanks broke in opposite directions; one
reversed past Mao Xing and the other zoomed off down the street.
Lime screamed and threw his handful of spider tank. It crashed down on the
one that had killed Mint then violently exploded.
He and Mao turned to deal with the final spider tank.
They were just in time to see it reverse straight over Shampoo. Akane, who
had been off to one side, proceeded to empty her remaining minigun ammo into
it. Considering the gun was loaded with inch long tungsten carbide
penetrators this had an impressive and downright explosive result.
***********************************
"They're tryin' ta move us somewhere."
Herb acknowledged Ranma's shout with a sharp nod. He had seen the pattern a
minute before.
"Spotted already, Saotome."
Ranma saw the growing field of magical power long before Herb did.
"SHIT! MOVE!"
But he spotted it far, far too late.
***********************************
Akane heard Ranma's yell as she was beginning to close on the melee with
Lime, Ryoga and Ranko; it was the biggest area of fighting therefore the
place they could do most good.
She had a clear view of what happened next.
***********************************
Nabiki was wheeling the Hind for another attack run when the flash lit half
the city. The melee she had last seen Ranma in the middle of vanished up
into a seven hundred foot tall mushroom cloud.
It couldn't be nuclear; there was no shockwave to speak of and no wall of
fire. Just the flash and the cloud of smoke.
Nabiki suddenly realised she could no longer hear the Hind's engines. She
panicked for a moment then realised that they were still running as her
hearing began to recover from the incredible detonation.
***********************************
Mi Soon felt the burst of high-charge magical energy an instant before the
wall of sound hit; she was already on the ground as the hellish noise rolled
over her. So was Kou Loun.
Off to her left at the site of the other duel neither Nodoka nor Morranion
were prepared for the boom. Both of them were knocked flat.
The first thing anyone within half a mile heard after that incredible,
eardrum-bursting bang was Akane's scream.
"RANMA!"
And that's another one done.
Chapter 29: End of the beginning.
"You left me incomplete, all alone, but the memories still remain..."
Pantera, 'Cemetary Gates.'
"My life was over. Ranma was gone... but it got worse. Shampoo in a coma,
Genma gone, Dad gone, Herb gone... nobody I knew was left untouched." -
Akane Saotome, describing the period just after the Second Battle of Nerima.
***********************************
"No... NO!"
Akane stumbled to the edge of the crater. Peices of cooling debris were
still falling, smashing into the tarmac around her.
Her empty minigun hit the rubble-strewn road with a solid chunk. Her aura
lit up, lighting the darkened street with it's sickly green glow.
She turned to the smirking trio - two vampires and a werewolf - who were
staring at her from the far side of the massive pit the explosion had
formed.
Her hands came up, unknowingly following a pattern of motions that had been
old a million years before as she howled her denial into the night.
A section of that glowing aura broke free and rocketed across the crater,
exploding with a dull thump right into the trio of enemies faces. Akane
didn't see it, nor would she have cared if she had.
***********************************
"Dana's love..."
Mi Soon whispered the invocation. Kou Loun was wearing an equally shocked
look.
"The Shi-Shi Hodokan."
Every Amazon within hearing range made the same gesture; they kissed their
own palm and touched their hands to their hearts. It was an old, old gesture
for warding off demons.
"What in the name of Ehir Diau have you done, Kou Loun?"
"I did what I had to."
One of Kou Loun's allied vampires decided he didn't like the look of the
storm of ki Akane was unleashing, he pulled a hand grenade out of his
pocket, yanked it's pin out and hurled it at Akane. It was an HE
fragmentation grenade with a two second fuse. Mi Soon, Kou Loun and
Morranion all tried to knock it away from it's target with precisely thrown
objects - a shuriken and two chunks of pavement.
Unfortunately they were too close together and their projectiles knocked
each other out of the air.
The grenade exploded right in front of Akane and knocked her flat on her
back; she screamed and clawed at her face.
There was another flash, this one yellow-green rather than white. A massive
cloud of ki leapt away from Akane's body.
A chill ran down Mi Soon's spine as it smashed straight back down into where
Akane was lying. Kou Loun shook her head.
"She's dead. She may not know it yet, but she'd dead."
***********************************
Nodoka turned away from the scene and started walking, unable to believe
what she'd just seen. She arrived at her truck before anyone else had even
moved.
An AK cracked and she felt a single hammerblow at the base of her spine.
Then everything went black.
***********************************
Nabiki steadied her shaking hands on the chopper's controls. Ranma, her
father, Herb and Akane - gone, just like that.
As if to add insult to injury a line of fire leapt down the street followed
and instant later by the bellow of a JGSDF T-74 tank's main gun.
The cavalry had arrived and they were far, far too late.
***********************************
Twelve hours later the survivors were sat round the Tendo's dining table,
cigarettes hanging from their mouths and beers clenched in their hands.
Mi Soon voiced the thought that was on everyone's mind. "So who's still
missing?"
Nabiki sighed and started counting people off on her fingers. "We found
what's left of Genma." She paused. "He killed Akira. We found Shampoo -
she's unconcious but should recover. No sign of Dad, Ranma, Herb, Ryoga or
Ranko. It's like they dropped off the face of the earth. About three hundred
dead not counting vampires, 143 of them positively identified as ours, 256
theirs. 604 regiment lost seven men, mainly the crew of the one tank that
got blown."
Happosai popped another cigar into his mouth. "Well, first things first - we
have to keep our people going." He thumped the table. "For better or worse,
we are their leaders. It's our job to keep their morale up... I suggest we
set them building everything we'll need to turn this mess into a self -
contained Amazon village. Nabiki darling, have you managed to keep the JSDF
and the pigs off of us?"
Nabiki nodded tiredly. "Yeah. Colonel Honda's backing us up with the
fatcats. He's a great guy... I told the cops to steer clear of our part of
town after the first battle. The JSDF are under the impression we're part of
Honda's team so they'll leave us the hell alone."
Mi Soon finally breeched the subject everyone had been avoiding.
"How's Akane?"
Nabiki sighed again. "She's alive... just. What the hell was that massive ki
blast she shot off?"
"I told you about the Shi-Shi Hodokan, huh?"
"Yeah..."
"That was the perfected version. It is only possible if the practitioner is
feeling nothing but total and utter dispair... it involves channeling heavy
ki through every cell in your body. Akane is the only living person ever to
use it."
"Uh... what happened to the others? There were others?"
"Yes, four are recorded. They are dead." Mi Soon stopped.
There was an uncomfortable silence then Nabiki asked the million dollar
question.
"What happened to them?"
Mi Soon looked her straight in the eye.
"They committed suicide."
***********************************
"OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
Buckle your seatbelt, Dorothy. 'Cause Kansas is goin' bye-bye.
End: Biker 1/2, book 1.
Well, it's all over, you can come out now.
Don't worry, Biker 1/2 will be back after the intermission with Book 2:
Severed, detailing the aftermath of the battle and how the gang get
themselves back on track. So, more trouble, more violence, more big guns,
more insanely powerful motorbikes and more werewolves will be with us after
the intermission.
Goodbye for now, I've got things to write.
OK, there's been a few changes since the original post. Firstly the obvious
- I went through correcting the Ranma 1/2 terms I'd misspelled, most notably
'Nodoka' and 'Jusenkyo.' Secondly - apart from adding in the extra quotes at
the start of the first ninteen or so chapters - I corrected several peices
of military terminology. In other words - when Ranma's telling Akane and
Ryoga about Shampoo posessing a Kalashnikov AK47, he originally referred to
it as a 'battle rifle', which is incorrect; the AK is designed for cyclic
fire which makes it an assault rifle (a battle rifle is primarilly designed
for single-shot fire; when I originally wrote that I thought the difference
waas a question of calibre.) Secondly, the JGSDF tank I was meaning when I
wrote 'T-72' was actually a T-74. Last but not least, I went and used
Imperial measurements for the length of Ranko's fangs when she flashed them
at Gosunkugi - like, d'oh. My dyslexia strikes again. That and a lot of
correction of spelling is the changes that resulted in this version. If
there's any mispellings left they're a result of me being dyslexic and my
iMac's damn spellchecker not recognising any specialist terminology.
Hmm, the history of this story...
The genesis of Biker 1/2, firstborn of my fanfics, began one night in
November 1999.
I had just finished reading Shampoo 1/2, an eight hour marathon read. I
hadn't had a smoke or any caffein in all that time, therefore not only was I
feeling slightly deranged, my brain was also fizzing with ideas.
I suppose it was only a matter of time before I asked myself how Ranma 1/2
might have gone if most of the cast were bikers.
The first version of Biker 1/2 (which I still have on my hard drive) was -
how shall I say - pathetic. I reached chapter 18 before realising how many
faults the story had, but I managed to miss the biggest one.
So, on April 7th 2000 I started to rewrite Biker 1/2, adopting a tighter
writing style and putting less of myself into the characters. This version
also saw the first appearances of the Amerai in this story and the
introduction of the illustrious Colonel Honda and Akira Saotome.
The result read far better; I rewrote parts of it on several occasions but
never posted it. Sadly, this version was doomed - a hard drive crash in
early November 2000 sent it to the digital equivalent of Heaven. After
moping for several days i sat down and began to hack out Biker 1/2 version
3. The date? November 20th 2000.
It was about this time I cottoned on to the fatal flaw in version 2; no real
underlying plot. One had begun to emerge but there was no sign of it as late
as chapter 8.
Before doing any work on it I decided what I wanted to include in the story
and came up with a rough (about 200 words) outline of the plot for books 1
and 2, based on the plot that had begun to form itself from the later
chapters of version 2. I then sat down and expanded on that up to the
conclusion of book 1, describing the basic plot of each episode in one
paragraph each. This done I started work. I have pinpointed when to within a
minute I wrote the opening line of chapter 1; six minutes past nine in the
morning. I had at some stage decided to tie Biker 1/2 across to another
fanfic I was at the time in the process of writing; the fic in question
(which I have given the preliminary name 'All Creatures') has since been put
'on hold' almost indefinitely or rather until I've got halfway through book
3 because that's when it'll stop being a spoiler. It essentially acts as a
'prequal' of sorts dealing with the murky pasts of Gary, Shan, Angel and
Janine (remember them? They were involved in the first few chapters then
abruptly vanished...) Where they went and more importantly who the hell they
actually are will be revealed in chapter 15 of book 3 of this monstrosity. I
call it a monstrosity having just recently done a word count of book 1 and
discovered, much to my horror, that it contains in excess of 100,000
words... No wonder I've managed to give myself repetitive strain injury.
At any rate, on December 8th 2000 Biker 1/2 finally hit the Internet. The
rest is, as the saying goes, history.
Thanks must go to several authors who inspired me; I cannot at present acess
the net (I Hate British Telecom) so I'll have to just name the fics in
question and find out the authors names later.
Thankyou, the authors of the following, whoever you may be.
Shampoo 1/2
Black Rose, Blue Thunder
Star Wars: A faint hope
Childhood/Adulthood of a Modern Dynasty
Tales of Ranma and Ranko
I have also received inspiration from several things that definitely don't
count as fics, namely...
The books written by Tom Clancy (Hunt for Red October et all)
The Appleseed and Ghost in the Shell manga and anime (thankyou, Mr. Shirow!)
Mad Max 2 (known as Road Warrior in the States)
The Akira manga.
And, of course, The Matrix - without which most of my fight scenes would
have sucked bigtime.
Thanks must also go to the following life-forms, organisations and
objects...
My very good friends Rob Johnston, Alex Brown, James G. Elmslie and Matthew
'Sutekh' Shand for helping me during one of the worst patches my life has
ever taken - thanks, guys. If it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't be here
today.
My brother Ruairidh for putting up with me spewing plot ideas at him, for
letting me talk him into buying Oni and for repeatedly talking me out of
bouts of depression.
Neo for providing a role model.
The ghost I saw back in 1985 for getting me interested in the supernatural.
The folks at work for indirectly financing this fanfic, oh and for putting
up with my ugly mug and warped sense of humour all the time.
Mum for repeatedly bailing me out of debts.
Heavy rock and roll for always being there for me.
White Wolf for feeding my obsession with the supernatural.
Caffein and nicotine for preventing instant zombification.
Suicidal Tendancies for 'How will I laugh tomorrow' and 'Whack time'
Gothdom for accepting me despite my myriad flaws.
Iron Maiden for 'Be quick or be dead' and 'Holy Smoke'
rec.arts.anime.creative for providing me with a near inexhaustable supply of
reading material - without books and fanfics, insanity would not be far
away...
White Zombie for 'Super Charger Heaven' and 'More Human than Human'
Heckler&Koch for the MP5.
The Sisters of Mercy for 'Walk Away' and 'Vision Thing'
James G Elmslie again for being the most utterly goth person I have ever
met.
Metallica for 'Of Wolf and Man' and 'Enter Sandman'
Everyone at the Findhorn Foundation for being a bunch of hippies and still
accepting a fucked up goth bikie metalhead like me.
Guns 'N' Roses for 'Paradise City'
That biffer Matt Shand again for getting me into Apoptygma Berzerk and
pointing out that I'm a goth - I honestly hadn't noticed.
The Offspring for 'Bad Habit'
Kawasaki for the Ninja; wheelies anyone?
Napalm Death for being the heaviest metal I've ever come across.
My sister Kirsty for letting me outgrow her by about a foot.
Moonspell for 'Hand Made God' and '2econd Skin'
Honda for the bike that became Underdog.
Pantera for 'Cowboys from Hell' and 'Cemetary Gates'
Matt Shand yet again for repeatedly recusitating my self-esteem.
Ducati for the Monster Dark.
Wolfsbane for 'Wings'
Mud for being fun to ride crossers on.
Marilyn Manson for 'Rock is dead'
Sarah for first keeping Matt sane then keeping Rob sane.
Rammstein for 'Du Hast'
Mr. Kalashnikov for the AK47.
Godsmax for 'Sick of my life'
Ryoko for being Ryoko.
Dime bars for being an interesting alternative to armadillos.
Monster Magnet for 'Ninteen witches'
Ryo-oh-ki for being indescribeably cute.
Apoptygma Berserk for 'Love never dies' and 'Deep Red'
Scotland for being wet, cold, windy and my kind of a country.
The Goon Show for being incredibly silly.
Cruxshadows for 'Deception'
Cannabis for getting people stoned.
Beer for making me belch like a redneck.
Dark Army for 'Lord of the dead'
Yamaha for the V-Max; black sheep of the cruiser bike world.
SPF1000 for 'Pass out' and 'Consumption'
Robot Wars for mass destruction of radio-controlled gizmos.
Ministry for 'Jesus Built my Hot-Rod', 'Hero', 'So What' and 'Just One Fix'
Rumiko Takahashi for making me laugh a lot with her manga.
The Prodigy for 'Hyperspeed' and 'Mindfields'
Terry Pratchett for making me nearly wet myself laughing.
White Wolf for figuring out what werewolves should really be all about and
for 'Dog Head Yoda Goat'.
Palladium for getting me interested in high-tech firearms with their 'Rifts'
RPG.
Barrett for the Light 50.
Games Workshop for the accent used by Orcs, for assorted technological
madness and for being easy to take the piss out of.
Dad for being an all round great guy.
KTM for knowing what off-road bikes are *really* all about.
Cows for putting up with being turned into pies and leather jackets.
Steff Czert for riding a dirtier bike than me and inspiring me to rat the
Underdog.
Dad's Dad Graham Wallace for being another all round great guy.
Suzuki for the GSXR1100 and Bandit 1200.
Harley-Davidson for that exhaust note and religious service to chrome.
Chevrolet for the Corvette and Dodge for the Charger RT and Viper - the
saving graces of four wheels.
Hot-rodders the world over for building hot-rods, without which...
Judge Dredd (not the film, the comic) for being the ultimate in anti-hero.
Varied skaters, trendies and spooky kids who will remain unnamed for being
easy to take the piss out of.
The British Army for the Challanger MBT - now THAT is what I call a tank.
Steve Jobs for repeatedly stopping Apple flatlining.
The Dutch special forces for being the meanest bunch of badasses on the
planet.
The Morayshire police force for not hassling me for going 'Oink' at them
when I'm drunk despite the fact I look like a complete weirdo.
Pixie sticks for containing hyperactivity.
Barrs for Irn Bru (caffein, wheee...)
And, of course, everyone out there on the Net who's read and enjoyed this
story. I am dyslexic, mildly autistic and thorughly fucked up; your support
has been invaluable. Biker 1/2 and by extension all you folks have been with
me through a very rough part of my life indeed; between lonliness, lack of
transport, depression and all the other shit that's gone down in the last
year it hasn't been at all easy being me. You folks, my readers, have
brought a certain amount of light into my life with you words of support and
incouragement.
I love the lot of you.
Laters, thanks and please remember that werewolves need love too...
Calum 'Wolfman' Wallace.
There are, sadly, several things, persons and organisations to which I must
deliver an almighty 'Fuck You', namely...
Slipknot for being a bunch of pathetic little wankers who are incapable of
out-rocking Napalm Death with nearly twice the bandmembers.
Spooky kids for being a bunch of moronic little point-missing shits.
British Telecom for being a bunch of meglomaniac, monopolistic fuckfaces who
like setting outrageous prices and giving appalingly shit customer service.
The Northern Constbulary for being a bunch of shitheads who have fun and
games hassling innocent bikers and goths while ignoring crime.
Tony Blair for being a jug-eared smarmy little creep who thinks everyone in
Britian is about as responsible as a five year old - we're perfectly capable
of running our own lives, so he can go to hell and stop forcing nanny state
legislation through the House of Parliment.
Marshall Mathers for being an annoying prick.
The son of the ex-Lord Provost of Ross-Shire for being the sort of fucking
idiot who'd drive on the wrong side of the road at ninty miles per hour and
wipe my best mate off the road, causing him to flatline at least once before
the docs managed to save his life, oh, and the fucking pigs again for
letting that fucking speed-mad shithead off scot free.
Trendies, skaterfucks and the Nike army for being too fucking stupid to
realise that me and my mates don't actually care what their opinion of our
clothes, hairstyles, hobbies and lifestyles actually is - if we gave a damn
we'd ask.
The government for setting ludicrous taxes, making stupid laws and generally
having less braincells that they do teeth.
The Royal Air Force for thinking it's funny to buzz villages and fishing
boats with a jet fighter - practise your goddamn target lock on rocks, you
pricks.
That Bin Laden shithead for giving a perfectly respectable religion the
worst reputation on the planet.
Britney Spears for being an annoying little jailbait generator.
Bill Gates and Microsoft for seeming to like system crashes.
And finally, that fat ugly balding snot-nosed crap car driving bricklayer
across the road for whining to the landlord about me and my mates playing
heavy metal and whooping it up during our New Year party.
An' I'll be awa', I have tae go tae ma bed the noo.
GLOSSARY OF TERMS
Alternator - Higher tech version of a generator.
Artic - The UK term for a semi truck. Short for 'articulated lorry'.
Binned - crashed. Normally means written off. Derived from 'bin' as in
'rubbish bin' (the British term for a trash can)
Chain lube - Motorbike chain lubrication oil. Comes in a spray can and
lookes a bit like snot.
Conrod (connecting rod) - The bit of metal that connects the piston to the
crankshaft. Shaped approximately like a flat dumbbell.
Engine clicking - An internal combustion engine heats up when run. Run it
hard and it heats up more, then when you switch off the engine will start
emitting a series of sharp clicks as the metal cools and contracts.
Final drive - the drive chain that goes from the gearbox to the back wheel
and the cogs (final drive sprockets) that it runs on. Not to be confused
with the primary drive - the chain/sprocket or belt/pulleys between the
engine and gearbox.
Gasflowing - trimming off excess metal from inside the cylinder heads to aid
the burn rate of fuel within the engine. Gives a small horsepower boost.
Gixer - Slang for a Suzuki GSXR (one of the craziest bikes they make).
Header tank - Tank that contains the spare water for the radiator on a
sealed cooling system as found in most cars and some high performance bikes.
Honda CG125 - Small single - cylinder 4-stroke road bike. Not very much of
anything but supremely reliable and dirt cheap. It's reliability stems from
having very little to go wrong and a low - revving 4-stroke engine.
Honda 250 Superdream - CB250. The next up the Honda model range from the
CG125 and just a bigger version of the same.
Honda 500 Superdream - CB500. A CB250 with a bigger bore and heavier frame.
Honda Fireblade - Insane Honda sportsbike. Mad but beginning to show it's
age.
Kill switch - The engine's 'off' switch. Turns off power to the ignition.
Lid / skidlid - Slang for a crash helmet.
Nitrous oxide - Laughing gas. A petrol - nitrous mix burns faster than a
petrol - air mix therefore produces more horsepower and more wear in the
engine.
Ratbike - A motorbike made to look as fucked up and unroadworthy as possible
while still being street legal. Normally painted flat black.
Steering damper - a long, thin shock absorber that fits between the forks
and the frame. Helps steady the steering. A steering damper is essential for
disabled bikers who have lost the use of one arm as without it there's no
way you'd be able to steer at low speed or pull away one armed.
Stocker - unmodified factory-built vehicle; I think this comes from the term
'sales stock'.
Supercharger - A pump driven off the crank that forces more air into the
engine thus forcing it to run faster.
Toby - An Inverness Collegeism; slang meaning something along the lines of
widget, gizmo or thingy. Derived from angling parlarance (toby = a small
wooden fish used as a lure.) May be related to the epithet 'Toby Tishbein'
and can be said 'Tobyracho' for no apparent reason. (I'm not making this up!
Honest!)
Top yoke - The yokes are two pieces of metal that hold the front forks
together and to the bike. The top yoke is the upper one. Known as triple
clamps in the US.
JASDF - Japanese Air Self Defence Force. The Japanese air force.
JGSDF - Japanese Ground Self Defence Force. The ground forces arm of the
Japanese military.
JSDF - Japanese Self Defence Force. The collective Japanese armed forces.
What likes - Slack Scottish grammar. Means something along the lines of
'please could you explain that'. Only considerably less posh.
Wheelie bin - a square green plastic trashcan about the size of a normal
bin, with a flip top and two wheels.