[Ranma][FanFic] Repost - Bikert 1/2 book 1 chapters 07-13

[Doghead Thirteen]

Biker 1/2 Cycle 1 - Birth of a Modern Legend.
Book 1 - Opening moves - part 2.

LEGALISTIC SHIT and RANT
Ranma 1/2 is not mine, no no i didn't do it you can't make me say it woz my
fault
THIS FIC WOULD BE 18-RATED IF YOU FILMED IT AND GAVE IT TO THE BBFC!
There's audible off-screen sex (but no more, even Ranma has a right to some
privacy when he wants it and I'm no good at writing sex scenes) gratuitous
violence, character deaths, drugs, rock 'n roll and insane quantities of
swearing. If you can't handle it don't read it.
Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi and varied companies much bigger
than me; I'm just borrowing the characters and world without permission as a
way of learning to carry a decent plot. I'll put them back when I've
finished with 'em. I promise.
The Amerai, S'Vek, Sidhe, the Wade family, Clan Hakkenan, Rat Diva, Seven
Hope and all related concepts are property of Calum John Wallace (me) and
Mad Dog Games; all rights reserved and all that. If you want to use 'em in a
fic, please A) read Biker 1/2 carefully, it should give you a good idea of
what the Amerai are all about, B) ask for my permission and C) include me in
the prereaders for your tale.
Finally, at least four characters are gay or bisexual - if you can't handle
that then please be so kind as to fuck off. Like the alternate Ryoga of this
tale I have little time for homophobes due to certain problems suffered by
my (bisexual) elder sister.

Please note, I'm using "{this}" to denote things said in Cantonese.

Chapter 7: Quiet day at the Tendo dojo.
'Ahh, it's time to relax. And you know what that means...' - The Offspring,
intro voiceover to the album "Smash"

"It's the one thing that like, unites us, man. Engines, man. Ryoga's got her
like, jets, Ranma sticks superchargers and like, nitrous on everything in
sight, Nodoka must burn more like, diesel in a day than I burn like, petrol
in a like, week, you get the idea, man..." Kasumi Tendo, October 2005,
rabbiting on again at a party celebrating the decriminalisation of cannabis
in Japan.

************************************

Ranma placed the socket spanner on the floor and selected a screwdriver. He
unfastened the lock screw then removed the final engine bolt.
"Hey - Ryoga - gissahand gettin' th' motor outta this thing, huh?"
Ryoga nodded and ambled over. She grabbed the massive V12 and heaved while
Ranma steered it to the floor.
"Well - I'll say this much for your mother. She's got a terrific taste in
engines, man. Talk about big-bore!"
"Hey, it's not bad fer a stock turbo diesel. Could be a whole heap better.
Will be a whole heap better."
"Airshifter, supercharger - anything else?"
"I'm gonna add some more bracin' onta th' beast's chassis. She's startin' ta
show stress damage in a couple o' places an' I don't want Mum bustin' her
truck's chassis at full rip, do I?"
Ryoga nodded thoughtfully. "S'pose not."
"Hey - any idea how that crew're gettin' on in there?"
"Oh, they're halfway to done."

************************************

Akane sighed slightly. Her feet were resting on the table. She was dressed
in a crop top, her leather trousers and her ever-present dog collar.
Kasumi glanced up from her sewing. "What're you, like, sighing about?"
"Oh, I still feel a bit queasy."
Shampoo frowned at her.
"Is so? I feeling sick this morning too."
Nodoka rolled her eyes. She was no longer dressed in her boiler suit - she
was wearing a somewhat battered Kenworth T-shirt that was visibly too big
for her and a pair of denim jeans.
"Don't say both of you guys are gonna crash out on us with some sort of
bug?"
Akane made a face. "Actually, I'm planning to go down to Dr. Tofu's... see
if he can tell me what's going on." She kept her suspicion to herself.
Shampoo shot her a conspirative wink. "Akane, is you thinking what I is
thinking?"
Akane saw the wink and nodded. "If you're thinking what I think you're
thinking."
"Please say again but not gibber?"

************************************

Nabiki sat and stared blankly into space. Ranma Saotome had been in Nerima
for around two weeks. He had already changed everything.
It was like he was some kind of emissary of chaos.
She looked back at the answers she had received from the mailing list. Good
thing the weirdo demon hunter guy thought she was somebody from the Japanese
government - he had sent her answers. Answers about her family, the Saotomes
and the Chinese Amazons. Answers that scared the hell out of her.
Why couldn't everything be exactly what it seemed? She sighed to herself
then mused on Ryoga's startled answer to her offer of pay.
"You're family"
Yes, she was involved in this in a big way. She was in at the deep end. Out
of her depth. This didn't just concern Ranma, Shampoo and Akane. It
concerned Ryoga, Kasumi, Soun, Genma and Nabiki. Maybe even Nodoka.
Nabiki sighed again and tapped off another query. She would find out. She
would take that information and use it in the way most likely to protect her
and her family. After all, they were all in the same boat here - if what
that guy had said was true. It being true added up with everything Soun and
Genma had said.

************************************

Genma smiled slyly and tossed the letter over to Soun.
"Read that."
Soun did, muttering the letter just below his breath. "Genma, it's good to
hear from you again. I'm glad you and your sons - make that son and daughter
- are keeping well.
I was most interested to hear of the involvement of Joketsuzo in all this -
so the plot thickens, huh? Take no action as yet - I will speak to their
representative at the Conclave and explain the situation. We may have the
solution to a millennia - old conflict here. See if you can find out more
about this Xian Pu - what is her standing in Joketsuzo?
On a more personal note, how badly is Ranma taking everything, particularly
Jusenkyo?
Your loving great - grandfather, Akira Saotome."
Soun smiled. "Hmm, he took that better than I expected."
Genma nodded happily. "Yeah, what a relief!"

************************************

Ryoga grinned at Kasumi.
"Hey - what sorta top end do ya get outta that Corvette?"
"Like, two hundred or so... I've never had to go as fast as it can go, man."
"Oh yeah? I've hit the double ton fifty."
"Two hundred and fifty, like miles per hour? That's unreal, man!"
"Nah - that's raw, unadulterated speed. Nought to sixty in under two seconds
if I use the afterburners. Single speed box, top end around the 250 mark.
Ticks over at 25,000 RPMs and full power at around 56,000 RPM. Wheelies like
a good 'un."
"Full power at 56,000 revs per minute? I like, redline at 14,500!"
"You got a piston driven motor. I got a gas turbine."
"Hey, shall we kinda find out who's fastest offa the mark?"
Ryoga grinned and fished her ignition keys out of her pocket. "You're on!"
"Groovy! There's an old airbase just outta town, dig? Me an' the crowd set
up a kinda dragstrip, there's always someone there. We could like, get
proper quarter mile times, dig?"
Ryoga shrugged. "I'm not that bothered - we could just go down the town and
do some stoplight drag racing. Neither of us have numberplates, after all."
"Yeah, that's cool. I'll just got get my keys. Wait up a couple of minutes,
huh?"
Ryoga nodded and grinned wickedly to herself as Kasumi vanished into the
kitchen.
"This is gonna be so fucking easy - no car can outrun my jetbike!"
Kasumi popped back out of the kitchen. She had seemed to use the few seconds
she was out of sight to transform Superman style into different clothing -
denim jeans, a white T-shirt, ex-army boots and a voluminous brown leather
trenchcoat.
"I heard that, man. I've outrun a jet fighter - well, until it took off. But
taking off was cheating."
"A lotta normal bikes can do that and I can completely burn them the hell
off."
"I burnt off a Super Blackbird the other day so don't say my car's slow!"
"Cool it, cool it. We're gonna find out who's got the faster vehicle, huh?"
"Yeah - let's go! Come on - we ain't got all day!"
Ryoga snorted and crammed on her crash helmet. She strode out to her bike
and let Kasumi pull her car out of the driveway in front.
They aimed themselves down the road and had an impromptu 'drive (or ride)
like a complete twat' competition to the town centre, where Kasumi selected
a set of traffic lights and skidded to a halt. Ryoga pulled up beside her
and dissuade cars from getting too close to her rear wheel by flipping on
the afterburners for a second. She leant across to Kasumi and yelled.
"Soon as the lights turn green!"
"Gotcha!" Kasumi put her car into gear, kept her foot on the clutch and
started gunning the engine. Ryoga smirked and snapped on the afterburners
again.
The bike let out a dull thud and flung a cloud of unlit fuel out of it's
exhausts. The spray suddenly combusted with a ground - shaking bang and
Ryoga was sitting on the front of a roaring twenty - foot fireball.
The lights went orange. Ryoga clamped her hand on the front brake and spun
up the back wheel, warming her tyre. Blue smoke joined the fireball from the
rear of her bike.
Kasumi grinned wickedly and started her own burnout. More blue smoke shot
from the back of her car.
The lights went green. Both vehicles snapped into a high wheelie as they
launched, Ryoga laying down a trail of fire as she did so. Both vehicles
back wheels were still spinning.
Kasumi made a face as she suddenly realised she was losing. Then Ryoga leant
forwards and her rear wheel gripped as the front came down.
Kasumi thought for a moment that her car had somehow stopped moving. One
moment Ryoga was just in front, the next the bike was simply gone. The sheet
of flame from the afterburners vanished around a corner.
Kasumi spent about an hour prowling around town looking for Ryoga, but found
no sign of jet bike or rider. She even checked out the scrapyard the bike
would have been taken to if it had crashed.
She arrived home with a confused look on her face. No sign of Ryoga's bike.
She peered round Nodoka's truck and found Ranma.
"Hey, Ranma man, like, where's Ryoga?"
"Huh? She took off with ya, didn't she?... Aw, shit! Don't say she's gotten
lost!"
"Huh?"
"Ryoga's got this completely shite sense of direction, see? She can get lost
in a room with no windows and one door, ending up somewhere like Tibet in
the process. The only thing she can find in less than half an hour is her
bike."
Kasumi groaned. "Aw, bummer man. We had a like, race and Ryoga won."
"Ya twit! Ya mean ya went and got Ryoga lost! What the hell were ya thinkin'
about? That's probably the last we'll see of her for weeks and ya know how
much she wuz wantin' ta be at th' weddin'!"
Kasumi looked at her feet. "I'm like, sorry, man. I didn't know..."
Ranma shook his head. "Shit, shit, shit. Why didn't I think ta tell ya?" He
shook his head again. "It's no yer fault, Kasumi. Ryoga's too bloody minded
ta admit she can't tell left from right an' I shoulda said somethin'..."

************************************

Soun looked up as Akane sauntered into the room.
"Dad..."
"Yes, Akane?"
"Can me and Shampoo borrow your bike?"
He nodded. "Sure, feel free. The keys are in my leather jacket."
Akane nodded. "Thanks." She walked back out, nodded at Shampoo (who had been
waiting the other side of the door) and they collected their crash helmets
and Soun's bike's ignition keys and headed out.
Akane grinned at Shampoo. "You ever driven a bike before?"
"Not since last year. I brother own trailbike - he sometimes let I have go.
I training often not give enough time, no?"
Akane nodded. "I'd better drive then. Dad's CB250 ain't got anything on
Ranma's Gixer but - well."
Ranma stuck his head out of behind the truck. "Hey, don't diss th' CB's.
They're good little bikes - I usta ride one, y'know. It wuz my first bike...
You girls goin' off somewhere?"
Akane nodded. "We've gotta go get some stuff."
Ranma smiled. "Ride safely, huh?"
Akane grinned. That was one of the things she adored about Ranma - he had
always treated her as his absolute equal. Unlike her father, he never asked
her if she was sure she could do something - he simply nodded and helped if
she asked. Sure, he stepped forwards to fight for her every time, but then
he was blatantly better than her. She had a lifetime's catching up to do.
And anyway, he fought for her because he cared about her.
She swung the old CB off of it's centre stand and gestured at Shampoo to get
on. She shoved the keys into the ignition and fired the engine. It felt good
to be riding again - she hadn't ridden in weeks. Not enough time to lose the
knack, but enough time that she missed it.
She gunned the engine slightly. The faithful old 250 grunted at her. She
pulled in the clutch, snapped it into first, tugged back the throttle and
pulled away.
Ranma watched her ride off with a half smile on his face.
"That's what I'm gonna do... I'm gonna build her a bike."
He finished bolting the supercharger onto Nodoka's truck engine with a broad
grin on his face. "This is gonna be so cool... hmm, better build Shampoo a
bike while I'm about it."

************************************

Dr. Tofu looked up from his medical journal as Akane and Shampoo walked in
the door. "Hello, how can I help you girls?"
Akane frowned slightly. "Um, Doctor - we need you to check something."
"What kind of something?"
Her answer made Dr. Tofu facefault.

************************************

Ranma flashed down the street, a plume of fragged out tarmac rising behind
his bike. He flipped into second gear and blasted round the corner before
coming to a screeching halt outside the scrapyard.
He locked his bike to the fence and walked inside, lighting up a smoke as he
went. He opened the scrapper's office door and stuck his head inside.
A large and hairy man in a oil - stained blue boiler suit looked up from his
magazine. They stared at each other for a moment, both recognising the other
to be a biker.
"Whut can ah do fer ya, mate? Lookin' fer parts, are ya?"
Ranma nodded. "Yeah, I got two builds ta build. Plannin' on somethin' like
CB250 frame, CB500 motor style rigs."
The man nodded. "Well, let's see whut we can find, huh? Ah'm Ryu."
Ranma grinned and shook hands with the huge man. "I'm Ranma... Ranma
Saotome."
"Ranma Saotome? Ya wouldnae be any relation ta th' late, great Ranma
Saotome?"
Ranma nodded. He'd had reactions like this before.
"Yeah - I'm his grandson."
Ryu grinned toothily. "Ah thought there wuz somethin' familiar about yer
face. Wull, pleased ta meet ya, Ranma." He gave Ranma an affectionate slap
on the back. "Yer grandpa wuz a friend of mine. Say, his lad Genma still
around?"
"That's Dad."
"Wull, whut a surprise! Ah mind Genma when he wuz no taller than yer
waist... then there wuz 'im at yer grandpa's funeral. Last time I done saw
'im - poor lad. He wuz pretty cut up."
Ranma sighed and nodded. "Dad never really got over grandpa dyin'."
Ryu sighed. "Aye, yer grandfather wuz quite a guy. Ah still miss 'im meself.
The world ain't the same without 'im, Ranma. He usta ride a hand-built
Triton what he'd stucken a blower onta. Th' bike died wiv 'im - 'it by a
Volvo 'ead on."
Ranma grinned. "You wanna check out my ride?"
"Hmm? Whut sorta machine?"
"Supercharged nitrous - assisted GSXR1100 ratbike."
"Holy fook!"

************************************

Kuno frowned at his newspaper.
"So, you have befriended the notorious Ranma Saotome, sister?"
Kodachi nodded. "Indeed. Ranma is a good friend."
"Hmm. You are aware that he and I do not exactly see eye to eye?"
"Tatewaki, why do you dislike him so? He is such a generous and caring
man... gentlemanly and strong. I see no bad in him."
Kuno sighed. "Sister, he is extremely violent. Do you not know why my arm is
in this accursed cast?"
"Because you were foolish enough to start a fight with Ranma Saotome. Do you
know nothing of the Saotome clan? They were once renowned as warriors
throughout all of Japan, dear brother... And they do not appear to have lost
their edge. Why, Ranma is the heir to the patriarchy of the clan. Do you not
expect him to be a mighty warrior?"
Kuno frowned. "That is as may be. But I cannot let that disgusting creature
Akane Tendo continue to spoil the locality!"
"It would be wise to leave her well alone, brother. She and Ranma Saotome
are to be wed in a few short days."
"Interesting. When?"
"This Sunday."
Kuno began to plot. He waited until after lunch before letting his lid blow.

************************************

Ranma and Shampoo climbed off of the beat up old Gixer. They stared into
space for a few moments then went into the nearby cafe together.
"Well, thank fuck fer a break, huh?"
Shampoo nodded. She was itching to give him her news, but had promised to
wait for Akane.
Kodachi chose that moment to walk in the door.
"Ranma! Xian Pu! What a pleasant surprise!"
"Hey, Kodachi! How's tricks?"
Kodachi half smiled. "Well... I was actually looking for you. I wondered if
you would be able to assist me in acquiring a motorcycle suitable for the
conversion you suggested. I have spoken to JABD and they have found me a
riding tutor and a company who would insure me... I just need a motorcycle."
Ranma grinned widely. "Well, ya come to th' right guy. I'll help ya sort out
a decent bike an' convert it for ya if ya like."
Kodachi smiled. A real smile.
"Ranma, you are truly a gentleman."
"C'mon, why dontcha join us?"
Shampoo sniggered. "You embarrass Ranma."
Ranma snorted. "I can handle compliments any day."
"Indeed - praise makes easy listening."
Shampoo sniggered again. "Is funny."
"Yeah? What is?"
"We is in funny life, no? Is all mixed up."
"Hey, could be worse. All the fuckups've levelled out, see? No real lastin'
stuff."
Kodachi sighed. "I wish I could say the same... why do you laugh?"
"Hahahaha- look at haha me hahaha... Big hairy hahaha biker who changes sex
hahaha an' gonna have two wives hahahaha brother who ain't a brother or
totally human no more hahaha my mum - a trucker - hahaha - and just why the
fuck would ya wanna live like us?"
"But why would I wish to be like I am? I am crippled. Permanently. My
brother is insane. My father is an alcoholic. I am going through detox from
a cocaine addiction. My mother is dead."
"An' yer totally gorgeous, ya don't have fuckall ya need ta worry about - ya
can just kick back an' relax. Ya gotta shitload o' money - ya don't need ta
worry about gettin' enough ta eat every day, huh?"
Kodachi sighed. "You don't really understand! You have not got a father who
is obsessed with Hawaii! You can walk properly! You have not got a brother
who's plotting to kill your best friend's fiancee!"
"Say what - let me get this straight - is Kuno plannin' ta waste Akane?"
Kodachi paused then shrugged. "Well - I only caught snatches of my brothers
ranting, but that is what I understood."
"Just hang on one fuckin' sec - look, if he tries I won't be able ta stop
meself wastin' him. I'll kill him outright before he even touches a hair in
her head."
Shampoo growled something semiarticulate. "Unless I is get there first."
Kodachi glanced first at one of them then the other.
"You mean it."
"I sure as hell stinks mean it!"
"I not let Kuno for to harm Akane."
Kodachi sighed. "I will try to dissuade him... but it is not easy. Once
decided on his path, my brother is not easily turned."

************************************

Nabiki stared at the ceiling and ran over what she had read yet again,
carefully putting the pieces together in her mind.
The demon hunter had stated outright that the Tendo and Saotome clans were
what he called... Where the hell had she heard that word before?
She scratched her head and turned back to her computer. Onto the secured
account. Run a web search on the word the demon hunter had called them.
Hmm, a whole shitload of answers. Mostly something coincidental - or at
least it didn't look anything like what the demon hunter had been
insinuating.
Hang on - what's that. Fiftieth down the list. Needs a key to get in.
Nabiki shoved a Zip cartridge with her lockpick software into the drive.

************************************

Ranma and Shampoo walked into the living room. Both wore extremely serious
expressions on their faces.
They sat down and stared into space for a few moments.
"So what in the fuck are we gonna do about Kuno?"
"I is having idea..."
"Hm? What like?"
"Xian Pu, Ranma, big machinegun - is plenty enough for to give Kuno pause
for think, no?"
"Dunno - hmm, so if Kuno tries anythin' stupid we threaten ta blow him ta
hamburger meat with Akane's M60?"
Shampoo nodded. "Is generality idea."
"That's just general, not generality."
"Opsie. Is general idea."
Ranma smiled his crooked smile. "Shampoo, I don't mind how ya say stuff just
as long as I know what yer talkin' about. It sounds fine."
"Then why you always correction I?"
"Correct, not - there I go again. Force o' habit. Hey, have ya noticed - th'
more stressed out ya get the more weird yer Japanese gets."
Shampoo frowned. "I not notice before you say."
"Hmm - somethin' smells good."
As if on cue, Kasumi stuck her head out of the kitchen and whistled loudly.
"Yo! Dinner's kinda, ready, like everyone!"
Akane barged into the room. "Hey, why're you two looking so serious?"
"Don't worry - it's all covered."
Akane sat down beside Ranma as the rest of the family filtered into the
living room. She waited until everyone was seated.
"Um - me and Shampoo have some news."
Ranma stood up sharply.
"Hang on - I gotta go take a shit."

Suitable annoying place to stop.

Chapter 8: Calm before the Storm
"And the temple of love grows old and strong / But the wind blows stronger,
cold and long" - The Sisters of Mercy, 'Temple of Love'

"That first meeting between Prince Herb and Ryoga, while it may seem like a
minor event, was actually another of those pivotal things. It is my personal
belief that, had Ryoga strayed anywhere but that fuel station, none of the
Saotome-Tendo-Hibiki 'crew' would be here today. And following the chain of
events to it's logical conclusion, neither would the Musk, neither would the
Joketsuzoku... and I'm sure you're aware how much everyone alive on the
planet today owes those three groups." Dr. Minako Shima, 'Eye of the
Basilisk' published February 2033 by Lupus Press, a subsidiary of
Saotome-Tendo Enterprise.

************************************

Ryoga's bike flashed across the outback, spewing a line of reddish dust from
it's rear tyre. She glanced back at the source of the pulsing blue light,
grimaced and hit the afterburners thus adding a huge fireball to the dust
cloud.
The two policemen in the pursuing cop car glanced at each other.
"Mad Max had nothing on this!"
Ryoga cranked her throttle wide open, let the scenery go into fast forwards
and left the pigs eating her dust.

************************************

The tall person in a cloak watched with visible interest as the massive
black jetbike pulled into the fuel station.
The biker (Ryoga, ok?) pulled off her skidlid and glanced around.
"Hmm - everything in Chinese."
"That is to be expected since this is China."
Ryoga looked round and grinned at the tall cloaked figure. "No offence, man
- it's just I got the world's worst sense of direction. Last thing I knew I
was in Australia - I think. After all, it was very dry and I roadkilled a
kangaroo."
"Erm - how the hell did you get here then?"
"Beats me. Beats me how I got to Australia from Japan via somewhere where
there were yaks. But I did. Yaks are kinda cool, huh?"
The cloaked person scratched his head. "Okay."
"I gave up being confused by it years ago - round about when my brother
built my bike. Being lost is fun now."
"Ahh, good old - fashioned wanderlust, huh?"
"Something like that - hey, there's always something new the other side of
the next rise."
"So, what nationality are you?"
"Japanese - as far as I can figure out. At least, Dad's always telling me
I'm Japanese and I guess he'd know."
The figure nodded thoughtfully. "Hmm. I happen to be looking to employ a
Japanese person."
"Yeah? What sorta work?"
"I am going over to Japan. I need someone who can tell me what not to do."
Ryoga nodded. "Well, I know a darn sight more about social manners than my
brother so I guess I can help... as long as I'm real careful to follow you."

************************************

Ranma sauntered back into the living room.
"Sorry about that - but when I need ta shit I need ta shit."
Akane grinned at him. "Wazzock."
He sat down. "Wazzock yerself. So - what wuz th' big news?"
Akane and Shampoo glanced at each other.
"We're both pregnant..."
They never expected Ranma's reaction.

************************************

Ryoga nodded slowly. "Okay - so what's your offer?"
"Five hundred US dollars a day."
"What about fuel and expenses?"
"Hmm."
"Tell you what - four hundred fifty a day plus food and fuel?"
The cloaked person paused, watching the fuel counter on the diesel pump tick
up. So far Ryoga had put sixty dollars worth in.
"Hmm - four hundred only, food and fuel covered."
"Make that four hundred and twenty-five and you've got a deal."
"Agreed." The cloaked person stuck his hand out and they shook on it.

************************************

"WHAT?"
Akane and Shampoo stared at Ranma as he went completely ballistic.
"For fuck sake that's all I need!"
"R-Ranma? What's wrong?"
Ranma stabbed an accusing finger at his father.
"Just look at the fuckup that fat git done on bringin' me up! That's what!"
He glared at the two older men. "You two fuckheads better wipe those smug
grins offa yer faces before I wipe 'em off with my boot!"
"Ranma, what so wrong?"
"What's wrong? What's fuckin' wrong? I'm fuckin' seventeen, that's what!
This is fuckin' stupid!" He stood up and snap kicked the door off it's
hinges then charged outside swearing.
Akane burst into tears.

************************************

Ryoga grinned at her new employer as he climbed onto a scruffy blue
trailbike.
"Let's hit the fucking road, Mr. Herb!"
He nodded, grinning back at her from under his cloak.
"You took the words straight out of my mouth, Ryoga."
He kickstarted his trailbike. Ryoga thumbed her jetbike into life and the
two of them thundered away out of the quiet little town, a sound like a
helicopter and a chainsaw blasting out of the two bike's engines.

************************************

Shampoo suddenly lost her cool. She spat a Cantonese swear word and charged
after Ranma.
"Ranma get back here!"
He glared at her from where he was now lubeing his motorbike chain.
"Listen here, Shampoo-"
"No! Ranma listen to I! Akane think is best news ever - why you go spoil?"
"Because I think it's a fuckin' disaster!"
Shampoo tried to slap him. He caught her hand and gave her a dirty look.
"Why you be so thick, Ranma? Is best thing what be able for to happen!!"
Ranma let go of her wrist and put down his can of chain lube.
"Look, Shampoo. I've heard Dad mutterin' with Akane's dad a few times an' I
smell a rat. They've gotten some sorta plan fer me an' my kids - an' I don't
like that."
He stopped as he spotted a note sticking from under his bike's seat.
"What th' fuck?" He picked it up, unfolded it and read through. Then he
frowned and quietly read it out so Shampoo could hear.
"Ranma. Don't trust your father or Soun Tendo. I am on your side"
He and Shampoo glanced at each other.
"What th' fuck?"
"It look like handwriting of Nabiki."
"That it does."

************************************

Ryoga looked around the old farmhouse forecourt. Two trailbikes, as equally
massive and decrepit as Herb's, were sat outside. One was painted black
while the other was painted in a tiger stripe motif.
Ryoga looked them over.
"Interesting. Land Rover engines, right?"
Herb nodded. "Yeah. We build all our trailbikes around Land Rover turbo
diesel engines. Hell of a lot of grunt."
"My brother'd like those rigs - you should see his. Supercharged Suzuki
GSXR1100. Dad rides a bike with a Dodge V8 motor."
Herb whistled. "Nice. I gotta suggest that to Bush - he's our mechanic. I
don't think you'll meet him."
"Actually, Dad's kind of setup wouldn't work that well for you guys - it's
an in line mount so with that size of engine it's stupidly long. It's crap
off road but it rocks on decent roads. No offence but you haven't got many
of them round here."
Herb nodded thoughtfully. "A point. Come on inside - there's a couple of
guys I want you to meet. My... mates Mint and Lime."
They walked inside. Two figures were playing cards at a table in the corner.
"Hey, Mint - Lime - someone you gotta meet."
The duo spun round. "Huh?"
Ryoga looked at them. One was wearing a bear skin over a set of heavy
motorbike leathers. He was the widest shouldered person Ryoga had ever seen,
stocky to the point of being ludicrous. The second guy could only be
described as a beanpole. He had a massive quiff and was wearing what looked
like a tigerskin.
Both of them spotted Ryoga (Miss drop dead gorgeous catgirl) and went slack
jawed.

************************************

Ranma walked grimly into the bedroom he shared with Akane and Shampoo.
"Akane..."
She ignored him - she was laying on her bed and crying into her pillow.
Ranma sat down beside her and put his hand on her shoulder. "Akane... I'm
sorry"

************************************

Nabiki stared at her plate as Shampoo walked back in. The Chinese girl shot
her a thoughtful frown, sat down and resumed eating.
Several minutes passed before someone (Nodoka) plucked up the courage to ask
the pressing question.
"Where are Akane and Ranma?"
"They in bedroom."
"Er - any idea why Ranma blew his lid?"
Shampoo put her chopsticks down, pulled her Makarov out of her pocket,
loaded it and cocked it before putting it away.
"Is due to Genma and Soun."
"What?"
"Ranma not trust them."
Genma sat half up. "What the fuck does that mean?"
Shampoo put her hand back in her pocket and shot him a meaningful look.
"Maybe you is answer that. Why your heir not trust you? Why you men plot in
corner every day? House walls be thin."
Booted feet clumped down the stairs. Ranma came back into the room,
supporting Akane with one arm. He gave his father a nasty look then sat
down.
Genma glared at him. "Okay, boy. What gives?"
Ranma snorted. "Fuck you, lardarse."
There was a deadly silence as he resumed eating.
Nabiki rolled her eyes. Another day of family intrigue.

************************************

Ryoga grinned broadly at the two stuttering men.
"What's wrong? Cat got yer tongue? Ha ha."
Herb gritted his teeth. "You are the first woman either of them has ever
met."
Ryoga stopped waving her hand in front of their eyes and sniggered. She
glanced around, spotted a kettle and dumped half it's contents over her own
head.
He laughed loudly. "Wakey wakey boys!"
Herb whistled. "Jusenkyo, huh?"
"You know that place?"
"Very much so... but I was not aware of a spring that would result in a
catwoman... Or is it a combination?"
Ryoga nodded. "Yeah, this long - haired bespectacled git in a white
trenchcoat knocked me into Spring of Drowned Cat. So when the guide dude
told me what wuz going down I jumped into Spring of Drowned Girl."
"Er - if you don't mind me asking - why?"
"Well, it works better than a sex change, huh?"
"Ah - you're gender dysphoric, right?"
Ryoga nodded. "Yep. Sure am."
Lime frowned. "Er - what's that mean?"
"Means I was born male but I'm gay and always wanted to be a girl, see?"
"Oh."
"So, what's the plan?"
Herb chuckled and rubbed his hands together. "We catch a black market ferry
to Japan. The sea trip's about two days. From there it'll be five hours to
our meeting with my Yakuza pals - they're rigging fake plates for us - then
around three or four days scouting around before we find our target. I know
the rough area but not the exact location. Once we're back at the black
market port it's your payday, Ryoga. We'll split our paths there if you
like."
Ryoga nodded. "Near as makes no difference to me - waitaminute, would there
be any chance of stopping by Nerima on the way back?"
"What, Weirdo Central?"
"Yeah, my family live there. They're not lost."
Herb nodded. "Sure - it's directly between our target area and the ferry at
any rate. So I don't foresee any problems with that."

************************************

Kodachi limped carefully down the street. She heaved her duff leg over the
kerb and turned into the driveway of the compound marked 'Tendo dojo'.
Looking down said driveway she saw a large blue and chrome Kenworth, two
dirty flat black motorbikes, one rusty dark blue motorbike, a red Corvette
with a big supercharger and a massive heap of motorbike components. Ranma
was sitting beside the pile of bits working on a half assembled bike of
unknown origins and absent paintjob.
He looked up and shot her a weary grin.
"Hello, Kodachi. Ya wantin' ta go bike shoppin'?"
She nodded. "Indeed. It is a pleasant day and my provisional motorcycle
license has arrived."
"A-OK. Well, we might as well get rollin'. We'll get ya a skidlid, huh? D'ya
reckon ya got enough dough fer leathers?"
Kodachi nodded again. "Money is the least of my worries."
Ranma stood up and held out a twistgrip throttle unit with a complex
arrangement of bar controls - front brake lever, clutch lever and switchgear
- attached to it.
"Right. We fit this an' a steerin' damper ta th' bike ya decide ta buy an' I
spend five minutes ta rig th' clutch cable an' wirin' ta fit."
Kodachi grinned. "That easy?"
"Yeah - it's a piece o' piss ta set up. Ridin' is dead simple - the real
trick is clutch control. It'll be slightly trickier fer ya since ya gotta
learn one - handed. But what th' hell - it's a knack. Once ya learnt ya
never forget."
Kodachi nodded. "Yes... If you do not mind my enquiry, what are you
constructing?"
Ranma glanced at the pile of old junk. "That shit? I'm buildin' bikes fer
Akane an' Shampoo. I got heaps o' parts an' it's just a process o' sortin'
th' good from th' fucked. Like puttin' a jigsaw together but th' only
complete picture's in my head."
Kodachi laughed quietly. "And jigsaws are not transport."
Ranma roared with laughter. "Hahaha! Nice one! Okay, here's a lid - let's
head fer the bike shop an' sort ya out ya first ride, huh?"

************************************

Ryoga grinned cheerily as he and Herb's gang wheeled their bikes onto the
old tramp freighter. He lit up a smoke and examined his surroundings with
some interest.
"First time I've been on a boat."
Herb, Mint and Lime stared at him. "What? But you say you've been all over
the world!"
"Yeah. And your point is..."
"Er - how the hells did you get from- oh, you went on a plane, right?"
"How did I get from Japan to Australia to China without noticing? My brother
reckons I teleport without knowing it."
One of the crew - a woman in her early twenties - winked at him. "Hello
gorgeous"
Ryoga glared at her. He sensed an attempt to hit on him "Excuse me, I'm
homosexual."
She blushed. "Oh. Sorry."
A large man (fellow crewmember) bellowed with laughter. "Don't you worry,
laddie. Maria hit's on any bloke in sight!"
Ryoga shrugged, ignoring the man. "Next time, make sure the guy's gonna be
interested first."
He turned and started lubeing his motorbike chain - the traditional
Saotome-Hibiki way of saying 'The conversation is now over.'
Maria and her crewmate glanced at each other.
"I think we'll teach that kid a lesson in manners..."
Ryoga stood up and picked his bike up with one hand then put it back down a
bit further away from them. "Hey, Herb - you'll be able to park in this
gap."
"Thanks, Ryoga. I was going to get Lime to shift his bike."
Maria glanced at her oversize crewmate, shrugged and turned to hit on the
nearest available non - crew male. In other words Mint.
She ended up having a threesome with him and Lime.

************************************

"So, what model of motorcycle would you advise me to choose?"
Ranma frowned for a moment then tapped one of the gleamingly new bikes.
"Suzuki Bandit 600. Real hardware but not too much ta handle as yer first
bike. Here - mister - can Kodachi see how this machine's gonna fit her?"
The bike dealer nodded. "Yes, feel free."
Kodachi smiled. "Thankyou, sir."
Ranma expertly lifted the bike off it's centrestand. "Hmm, same bar diameter
as the control unit I rigged fer ya. Here, see how it feels."
Kodachi carefully swung her leg over the bike and sat down. She placed her
hand on the throttle.
Suddenly life didn't seem so bad after all. She grinned.
Ranma nodded. "Fits like it wuz made fer ya."
The dealer grinned. "Hey, tough chick! Rock on! What colour would you like?"
Kodachi's grin widened. "There is only one colour that would suit - black."
Ranma chortled. "Only one colour fer a bike - black. Choice o' flat or
gloss."
"Would you like to give it a test ride, madam?"
Kodachi sighed. "I cannot."
Ranma pulled the one handed bar controls out of his pocket. "She's gotten a
duff left hand, see? So we'll be needin' a steerin' damper."
"Have you joined JABD yet, ma'am?"
Kodachi nodded. "Indeed."
The dealer chuckled. "Oh well. I was gonna give you a leaflet."
Ranma grinned. "I already gave her one. Dad's involved in a lotta JABD
fundraisin' work, see?"
"Ah... Right, a steering damper. This way, please."
Ranma showed Kodachi how to work the sidestand then they followed the man
over to the display of aftermarket parts.

************************************

Half an hour later Ranma was yelling across encouragement as Kodachi went
through her first motorbike driving lesson.
"Try ta keep the revs up a tad more as yer pullin' away, Kodachi! That's
better!"
The instructor frowned at him. "Excuse me -am I teaching her or are you?"
Ranma replied in a low voice. "She's a good friend an' she wuz near suicidal
before I set this rollin'. She did in her leg an' got a paralysed hand in a
beach buggy crash - broken axle."
"Ah. Paralysed hand - partial is it?"
Ranma considered the way Kodachi had her left hand hooked on the left
handlebar grip. "Nah - she's just hooked her left mitt onta th' bar. That's
why I added th' steel loop ta help hold her hand on. Makes it easier fer her
ta steer at low speed an' hold on at high speed."

************************************

Kuno tossed his porno under his bed and sprinted to the window as a
deafening motorbike engine thundered up the drive.
Much to his surprise he found himself looking at two bikes - Ranma's machine
and a gleaming black Bandit 600. He gasped as he recognised the second
biker.
He sprinted down to the door and opened it for them. Ranma shot him a
cheerful grin. Much to his amazement so did Kodachi.
"Sister dear! What has been going on?"
Kodachi grinned lazily. "Ranma Saotome has been assisting me in a something
I have dreamt of since just after my accident. How do you like my
motorbike?"
Kuno stared. "But - your hand?"
Ranma laughed. "Th' throttle, clutch, front brake an' switchgear are all on
th' right bar. I rigged th' new bar controls fer her."
Kodachi nodded. "Do come in, Ranma."
"Sorry ta refuse, but I gotta dash. Akane an' Shampoo'll be wonderin' where
I gotten ta, see?"
Kodachi waved him goodbye with a bittersweet look on her face.
She sighed. "That is so typical of my ill fortune - I meet Mr. Right and he
is taken. Oh well - life goes on."
Kuno stared at her. "You fancy HIM?"

************************************

All that afternoon and evening Kuno noticed how high spirits his sister was
in. She hummed happily to herself, put on her old favourite music and limped
around the house looking almost her old self.
Kuno realised he was having serious doubts about his plan to wreck Ranma and
Akane's wedding. If Ranma had healed Kodachi's spirits, maybe the hairy boy
was not all bad.
He sat and stared at his katana. "How can I tangle with someone to whom I
owe so much? Yet how can I not tangle with that creature Akane Tendo?
AARGH!!!"

************************************

The red haired girl gunned her ramshackle bike's engine happily. It let out
that timeless Harley Davidson 'chug chug chug' from it's shattered exhausts.
She caught a glimpse of a large leather - clad figure swinging onto a
massive flat black motorbike.
The words on the back of his leather jacket registered as she was peering at
the unwieldy machine trying to work out what sort of bike it was.
She did a violent double take. A name. Genma Saotome.
She went after him but he obviously though she was trying to race him and
vanished on the front of a huge cloud of dust.
Whatever that big ugly ratbike was it was FAST.

that's it for this one, people.

Chapter 9: One wedding and a fuckup.
"She's got eyes of the bluest sky, and if they thought of rain. I'd hate to
look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain" - Guns N' Roses, 'Sweet
Child O' Mine'

"We owe them. We owe them bigtime. Ranma Saotome isn't just family, he's the
guy who set in motion the events that prevented us being completely wiped
off the face of the Earth. I won't lie to you - the attackers had the power
to kill ME... ten times over." Prince Herb, talking to Dr. Aoi Hakamoto.

************************************

Akane stared out the window with an unreadable expression on her face.
She was dressed in the clothes they had been working on - a Western-style
wedding dress. The fact she had her cartridge belt over the top spoilt the
effect somewhat.
She wished she could have a smoke to calm her nerves. But Dr. Tofu had put
his foot down. No cigarettes for Akane until she had had her baby.
She sighed, loaded her .44 and slipped it inside her dress. Nodoka shot her
a puzzled look.
"What are you bringing that thing along for?"
"Look, you don't seriously expect nobody to cause any problems, do you? I'm
taking it just in case."
Shampoo chuckled wryly. "I is taking handgun too. Is easy for to hide" She
tugged at the baggy battledress trousers she was wearing. "I going talk with
Ranma. I see later, no?"
Akane nodded. "Yeah, see you later."
She kept her fears to herself. The heavy shape of her .44 pressing against
her hip comforted her, helping to melt those fears away.
But she still felt uneasy.

************************************

Ranma lit up yet another smoke and continued glaring at nothing very much.
Shampoo came in the door behind him. "Ranma..."
He turned round and smiled at her. "Hi."
Shampoo considered him. He had cleaned up his leathers and got a new pair of
motocross boots. But his T-shirt was a decrepit, oil-stained item with an
obscure caption on the front that seemed somehow familiar.
"This is T-shirt you wear at Joketsuzo, no?"
Ranma nodded. "Yeah." Nothing and nobody was going to get him in a tuxedo.
He fished around in his pocket. "Uh, Shampoo - we ain't gotten anyone ta be
'best man'. Any chance o' doin it? I mean, fuck traditional."
Shampoo giggled. "Is not worry."
He nodded again and handed her a small red jewellery case. "Here."
Shampoo nodded and pocketed it. Ranma sighed morosely and got a hairbrush.
Shampoo watched as he straightened out his hair.
"I got a real nasty feel - ya know th' 'summat's gonna happen' feelin'?"
Shampoo nodded. "I get this feeling too."
Ranma sighed and pulled his handgun out of his pocket. He swiftly
disassembled it, cleaned it and put it back together. "Just in case."
Shampoo nodded and patted her leg where her Makarov was hidden. "Just in
case."
"Yeah. Come on - let's head fer th' church. We can check an' see if anyone's
waitin' ta ambush anyone, huh?"
Shampoo nodded and they walked out to Ranma's bike. She avoided asking what
the two partially assembled motorbikes sat beside it were for.
They were probably for mates of his. It was too much to expect him to build
her a bike.

************************************

Akane was still fidgeting as Nodoka pulled up outside the church. Being
driven to her wedding by the groom's mother in a blue and chrome Kenworth
tractor unit that kept doing burnouts was certainly original.
She looked around. The street was lined with motorbikes, cars and trucks. A
large crowd was gathered near the church - obviously wedding guests. At
least half the crowd looked like either truckers or bikers.
Akane figured them to be Nodoka and Genma's friends. Nodoka was surrounded
by big muscle-bound men as soon as she stepped out of the truck. She chatted
happily with them.
"Hey, Nodoka! Long time no see! How's tricks?"
"Not bad at all, Kawasaki. How are you yourself?"
"Doing pretty well all things considering - I lost a load yesterday. Those
boys at the loading depot oughtta be sacked."
"Yes? What happened?"
"They used a batch of shite pallets and stacked too much on 'em. Everything
looked OK when I left, but the next thing I knew the road behind me was foot
deep in damn breezeblocks. They hadn't even strapped the bloody things to
those crappy pallets - just slung a tarp over the top and tied that down."
Nodoka rolled her eyes. "You never have any luck."
Kawasaki nodded gloomily. "It's always me."
"Nodoka! How you doin'!" A heavily overweight and burly looking woman popped
out of the crowd. Her voice didn't fit - she sounded like an idol singer.
"Why, Kiyoko! So you made it after all!"
"Yeah, my run got cancelled. Seems the original delivery truck got a flat
battery. The recovery boys swapped it over once the driver managed to
contact them. I heard he was waiting for them to answer for around eight
hours - that company is incredibly busy these days."
Nodoka chuckled. "I had to delay a run for this. The guy who hired me
understood when I explained my son's getting married. But I'm going to take
their load after the reception. Sheet steel again."
"What, you're still doing the steelworks runs?"
"Hey, their emergency shipments pay well."
"Who's your jamboy these days?"
"Godo Amachi."
"You managed to hire him?!?! Holy shit- he's the best in the business!"
Nodoka nodded. "That's why I hired him."

************************************

Ranma sniggered. "Supercharged GSXR1100. I tuned it a fair bit -she does the
double ton no worries."
Genma's pal goggled. "You're as crazy as your grandfather wuz!"
"Yeah? My grandfather musta been one helluva guy if he wuz as mad as me."
"Hey, whereabouts is yer dad? I don't see him anywhere - that's his V8
innit?"
"Yeah. Dunno where he is, but what the hell."
Genma ploughed through the crowd towards them.
"Talk o' the devil. Hey! Genma! Over here!"
Ranma grinned cheerfully. "I gotta go."
His father was the last person he wanted 'advice' from.

************************************

Ryoga looked round as someone coughed politely behind him.
"Hey, ya poof. Over here."
He pulled his big spanner out of it's sheath. "What'd you call me?"
"What you are you faggot!"
"That does it!" Ryoga smashed the large seaman in the face with his big
spanner sending the man reeling backwards into another crewman.
"Fucking nobody calls me that-" Ryoga ducked an oar and smashed the wielder
in the groin - "And lives!"
It took his six seconds to cream the eight seamen. He considered the mess.
Then a sharp 'ker-chunk' behind him caused him to spin round.
The captain was glaring down the sights of an ornate revolver at him.
"Nobody beats up my crew except me!"
Ryoga ducked and whipped out his GP35.
"Says who? A guy with a pop-gun?"
"That does it. Get ready to slap leather!"
The captain holstered his gun. Ryoga snorted and blew him to Kingdom Come.
"Draw... oh well. I think someone's watched too many cowboy movies."

************************************

Kodachi watched silently as Ranma chatted with a couple of bikers and
smoked.
She was sickened by her luck. It was so typical - along came Mr. Right and
he already had a girl. Two girls.
Genma noticed the pretty teenager Ranma had been rigging a single hand
control set for. Looking closer he saw that she looked downright miserable.
He ambled over.
"Hello, lady."
She looked up. "You're Ranma's father, right?"
Genma nodded. "Yeah, I'm Genma Saotome... Ranma's been helping ya learn ta
ride, hasn't he?"
She nodded. Genma grinned.
"Ya got yer bike here?"
Kodachi was slightly taken aback by the fat bald man's boyish
enthusiasm."Yes."
"Well, let's have a look."
They walked over to her Bandit. Genma admired it for a few moments.
"Nice machines, those Suzooks."
Kodachi smiled slightly.
"Say, how well does she spin up?"
"Huh?"
"Don't tell me you don't know how to do a burnout!"
"I am very new to this."
"Well then, let me show you how it's done..."
They spent a couple of minutes working out how Kodachi could do a one -
handed burnout. Genma smiled. It was working - she was cheering up
noticeably.
In his opinion it just wasn't right for such a pretty girl to be miserable.

************************************

Ranma scratched his head and glanced around the training hall which was
quite thoroughly decked out, with large quantities of food spread on tables
around the perimeter.
"Talk about anticlimax, huh?"
Akane shot him a bewildered look. "Waddya mean anticlimax?"
"I dunno - it don't feel like anything's changed."
"That's because we've been married in all but name for a couple of weeks
now!"
Ranma smirked. "Suppose so."
Shampoo rolled her eyes at him. "You is daft, Ranma."
"Where'd that come from?"
"Who have idea for play heavy rock record at wedding?"
"Er - actually, that wuz me an' Akane. I suggested rock an' roll an' she
suggested Napalm Death."
Shampoo again found herself wondering just what the hell she'd got herself
involved in this time. "Is name of band, no?"
"Yeah. They're fuckin' insane, huh?"
"Hey! Napalm Death's one of my favourite bands, Ranma."
"An' they're insane. That's a good thing, Akane. I call my bike insane,
remember?"
Akane paused then nodded. At which point she spotted a girl - her cousin -
making eyes at Ranma.
"Uh, Ranma - don't look now but you've got a crush inbound."
"Is that anythin' new? I'm a big bad biker! Girls get crushes on me all th'
time! Take Kodachi - there's one."
Akane sighed. "Ranma, this time it's Suki - my cousin. She's the local
slut."
"Big deal. I got as much as I can handle between you an' Shampoo."
Shampoo sniggered. Akane glared at him.
"You... you... you PERVERT!"
"Hey, it wuz your idea, not mine. Not that I mind."
Shampoo started giggling. Akane glared at her.
"What's the big joke?"
"Is you. You come up with crazy wedding scheme then us both get pregnant
then you call Ranma 'pervert'? What planet you on?"
"Yeah well, have you got any idea what I thought when I saw you the other
side of him when I came round after that big pissup when we met you? It was
something like 'what the fuck' then I remembered what happened."
"I nearly had a fuckin' heart attack!"

************************************

Herb nodded. "Okay - let me see - Tendo dojo, Nerima. That the one?"
Ryoga nodded. "Yeah, my little brother's getting married today and I didn't
want to miss it."
Herb chuckled quietly. "Well, we'll stop by there since it's on our route."
Ryoga grinned. "Thanks."
"No bother. We'll need to stop for fuel in Nerima at any rate so we might as
well check in on your little brother."
"Groovy! Um, I'd better warn you about my family - they're weird. Dad's this
big bald fatass biker with a beard. He's called Genma Saotome and he's
gotten a Jusenkyo curse too - Spring of Drowned Panda. My bro - well, my
half-brother actually - he's called Ranma Saotome. He's about the same
height as me but lighter build. He's got a ponytail and a Jusenkyo curse -
he went face first into Spring of Drowned Girl. He's marrying Akane Tendo -
she's Dad's best mate's youngest daughter. Dad's pal's called Soun Tendo.
He's a twit. Akane's got a couple of sisters - Nabiki and Kasumi. Nabiki's
alright even if she's obsessed with money. Kasumi's really cool - she comes
across as this bland stoned housewife type but then you find out she listens
to industrial metal and drives around in a Corvette hotrod dragster type
thing. Ranma's mum's probably gonna be there - she's about six inches
shorter than me and drives a really big truck with more engine than it's
gotten any right to have. Finally there's Xian Pu. She's from Joketsuzo -
you know the place? At any rate Ranma beat her in a fight-"
Herb nodded. "So guess what, instant wife. I'm familiar with Joketsuzo and
their whacked out laws."
Ryoga snorted. "Yeah? I'm just glad I ain't gotten in a brawl with any of
those Amazons. I'd have to kill her outright which would be kinda sticky."
Herb paused. "Er - why? Those Amazons are very beautiful-"
"Yeah, and I'm a transsexual, remember? A wife is the last thing I want -
wouldn't mind a husband, though. Could be kinda fun..."
Herb made a face. "Each to his own. Let's get moving."
"Alrightie! Let's hit the fuckin' road!"

************************************

Akane noticed her cousin making eyes at Ranma again.
"Oh for fuck's sake! Tell that little tart where to get off wontcha Ranma?"
Ranma rolled his eyes and nodded. He spun round and swaggered over to the
girl.
"Scuse me, chick, but Akane reckons yer developin' a crush on me. Well, give
up. I'm married an' happy about it."
He turned back round and returned to where Akane and Shampoo were standing.
"There. Reckon that did it?"
Shampoo groaned. "Was kind of brutal!"
"Hey, chick's gotta figure she ain't gotten a candle's chance in a
blizzard."
"Uh, Ranma - Uncle Takesada's coming over..."
"Yer point is...?"
"He's Suki's father."
Ranma looked round. A man with a clear resemblance to Soun - slightly
taller, thinner and clean shaven but still recognisable as family - was
marching over with a pissed off expression on his face. A short, dumpy woman
with a bad -tempered expression on her face was following him.
Akane groaned. "Oh man. And Aunt Akemi. This is not good."
Takesada pulled up suddenly.
"Young man, you may think you're some kind of sex god-"
"Cut the shit, bubba. Akane reckoned yer daughter wuz developin' a crush on
me and I don't need any more o' that crap."
Akane glared at Takesada. "Fuck you, Taki! We both know Suki's a slut - she
fucked twenty guys at the Christmas party last winter. Didn't you know? She
was off for an abortion after all."
Taki gritted his teeth. "Who gave you the right to judge my daughter?"
Shampoo howled with laughter. "You talk much big! Why not get head out butt
- you be whimp."
"Now hold on just one goddamn second-"
"No I fuckin' won't! I'm not gonna stand here an' let a big jessie spew shit
at me an' th' girls for anythin'! So fuck off!"
Akemi stepped between them. "Calm down, calm down. Taki, it is true that
Suki's a bit loose..."
"A bit loose? Accordin' ta what I've heard she fucks anythin' that moves!
Get yer head outta yer butt, wifey. Yer daughter's a slut. Maybe yer too
much o' a fuckhead ta see it, but it's fuckin' true. I mean, look at her.
What made ya let a fifteen year old wear clothes that tight an' skimpy?"
Takesada went red in the face. "Mind your language, boy!"
"Fuckin' no. I'm not gonna."
Takesada tried to punch Ranma. It was immediately apparent that he was no
martial artist, not even a half decent brawler. Ranma saw the blow coming a
mile off and grabbed the older man's wrist sending him flat on his face.
"Common sense, lesson one. Don't try ta thump martial artists 'cause you'll
end up flat on yer beak."
Takesada scrambled to his feet blotting at a nosebleed.
"You little creep! I'm a cop! I'm gonna do you for that!"
Akane blew her lid.
"WHEN YOU FUCKING TRIED TO PUNCH HIM?"
She grabbed his wrist. There was an audible snap.
"Fucking take that!"
Takesada yowled. "AARRRGH! OW YEAAGH!"
"Yeah, I broke your wrist. So what?"
Akemi blew her lid.
"What the hell makes you think you can go around maiming people so casually?
Have you no sense of proportion?"
Shampoo casually lifted the older woman off the ground by the front of her
dress.
"You punk on people who very special to I... You lucky I not kill you."
Akemi kicked her in the crotch. Shampoo doubled up on the floor.
Akane let out an angry scream,. "YOU BITCH! She's pregnant!"
"And? I'm gonna hammer both of you!"
Ranma casually reached out and banged their heads together.
"Now fuckin' can it. Game over. Quit. Got it?"
Takesada glared at him. "You're a fucking bike thug, right? Well, I'll see
you on the road, scag!"
There was a trio of angry exclamations from behind Ranma. Nodoka, Soun and
Genma closed in on the hapless Takesada.
Ranma helped Shampoo to her feet then supported the two girls away to
somewhere quieter. He was vaguely aware of Takesada, Akemi and Suki leaving
behind him.
He got up to their bedroom and sat the two girls down on the bed.
"Shampoo? Are ya alright?"
Shampoo nodded. "I is think so..."
Akane groaned. "Why did you hit my head off that stupid cow?"
"Ya wuz embarrassin' yerself, Akane. I didn't want ya gettin' in a catfight
an' harmin' the baby."
They sat quietly for a few minutes, the girls both getting their heads
straightened out, then they headed back out to the training hall to rejoin
the party. On the way out they found Nodoka, Soun and Genma talking to some
people who appeared to be relations of Nodoka. They were partway through
explaining exactly what was going on.
"...She agreed, so therefore Ranma is going to be kept very busy, if you see
what I mean." Nodoka finished.
Akane snorted. "Who's 'she'? The cat's grandmother?"
The three adults jumped violently. "Oh! Are you alright?"
Akane nodded. "I've taken worse knocks - I think my head's harder than
her's. After all I do several headbutt moves."
Shampoo made a face. "Is dirty move for to kick pregnant woman in groin."
Ranma glanced up. "Hey! You guys hear that noise... It sounds a lot like..."
"A jet?" Nodoka asked.
"Yeah. Unless someone's playin' with a plane it's gotta be Ryoga!"
Four bikes, one of them Ryoga's jetbike, flashed round the corner.
"What'd I tell ya? Hey, wonder who she's hooked up with?"
Akane frowned at the three strange bikes.
"Weird looking bikes."
"Wicked - they look like some sorta car engine in home-made frames. Holy
shit, they're Rover straight sixes!"
Shampoo goggled. "Holy fuck - them Musk bikes!"
Ranma and Akane shot her a blank look. "Huh?"
"The Musk Empire. Is sometimes allies of Joketsuzo, sometimes enemies.
Mostly we not get in way of each other since we might hurt each other."
"Weird - Ryoga's in her male form. Wonder why?"
"Methinks is because of Musk."
"Huh?"
The four bikes skidded to a halt. Ryoga killed his engine and yanked of his
lid.
"Hey! Ranma! Am I too late for the ceremony?"
"Ya missed it by half an hour, sis. Why the fuck are you male the now?"
Ryoga sniggered. "My female form was freaking these guys out. Hey, meet my
boss Herb. He hired me to tell him what not to do in Japan."
Ranma grinned at the cloaked figure in question. "So you're Herb, right? I'm
Ranma Saotome." He extended a hand.
Herb paused then shook hands with him. "And as you've been told I'm Herb.
This is Mint," he indicated the thinner of the other two "And this is Lime."
Ranma grinned. "Pleased ta meetcha. Hey, I like the bikes - what the fuck
are they - Rover motors innit?"
Herb nodded. "Yes, Land Rover turbo diesel engines. Reliable and plenty of
grunt."
"Let me guess... Home made frames, looks like you've got a jig or a mini
factory set up 'cause they're so similar. Bar controls, seats, footpegs and
handlebars offa CG125's. Few bits look like CB parts. Kawasaki crosser
runnin' gear innit? The gearboxes look home made - nice work."
Herb stared. "You're completely correct! How did you figure that?"
"Easy - I've been buildin' an ridin' bikes since I wuz five." He jerked his
thumb at his GSXR. "I built that beast outta scrapyard bits when I wuz knee
high ta a lizard. Super nitrous GSXR1100. Unsilenced, 200 section tyres - I
use Avons - rear wheels both ends. Rebored - it's more like 1300cc now -
gasflowed, performance cams an' valvetrain, hand made pistons, conrods,
bearings and crank, modified gearbox - it's an eight speed box, I added
another gear ta it. Oh, an' a direct top. I've built around sixteen bikes in
my time includin' Ryoga's jetbike. So ya could say I know bike bits like I
know the back o' me hand."
Lime got his tongue unglued. "Er - let's have a look at that machine - er,
Ranma."
Ranma grinned wickedly and fished out his keys. "Listen ta this. Don't stand
too close." He popped in earplugs then fired up his bike.
Mint and Lime grew massive grins. Mint started yelling "Wicked! Wicked!
Wicked! Dig the zorst note!" over the snarl from Ranma's bike.
Ranma grinned back and blipped the throttle. The engine let out a massive
grunt and the bike began to shudder sideways on it's centrestand.
Herb suddenly grinned, obviously no longer able to keep his face straight.
"Fucking awesome!"
Ranma nodded and killed the engine. "Yeah - it's one fuckin' insane machine.
And it's all mine - I sometimes look at her and go 'Holy fuck. I built
that'. Somethin' ta be be proud o', huh?"
The trio of Musk nodded solemnly. "Very much so."
Then Herb noticed Shampoo. He did a double take.
"Hey! Aren't you Kou Loun's great-granddaughter?"
Shampoo nodded. "Is so."
"I thought I recognised your name. Ryoga told me who and what to expect but
I never figured the connection."
Shampoo nodded. "And you Prince Herb of Musk dynasty, no?"
Herb smirked. "The very same."
"So - what bring you to Japan?"
"I'm looking for something that was stolen from us a few years ago by a
bunch of Japanese monks. It is a sacred artifact. Why do you ask?"
"I just nosy. You is last person I expect to see in Japan."
Herb snorted. "I could say the same, Champion of Joketsuzo. It's quite a
surprise seeing you here... so someone finally beat you, huh?"
Shampoo nodded. "At last, is chance to get hell away from Joketsuzo."
"What? You don't like it there?"
"Is shit place. Them treat Mao Xing - he my big brother - like shit! He be
technical genius and they not give shit since he male."
Ranma frowned. "Hey - Shampoo - why dontcha see if ya can get this brother
of yours over here? I reckon he could use tech college."
Shampoo paused. "There problem. He not married. Our mother be dead.
Therefore he not have anybody for to get permission of to leave."
"What the fuck does that matter? Can you get a message to him?"
She nodded.
"Then send 'un and tell him ta get th' hell outta Dodge. Has he got wheels?"
"Home - made trailbike."
"Sorted. Let's get the dude outta there."
Shampoo sighed. "It not be so simple. There girls what crush on Mao Xing.
Them follow him around all time."
Ranma sniggered. "Night was black, twas no use holding back*."
"Huh?"
"Get him ta take off outta there at night! Ya know how easy me an' Dad
blasted off outta there on our bikes! He simply needs ta grab his bike and
depart hence in th' middle o' th' night!"
Shampoo paused then nodded. "Is possible. Maybe I use our secret slang?"
"Huh?"
"I and brother have secret slang what we invented for to chat while boring
adults around so them not know what we going on about."
"Cool!"
They looked up at the sound of another motorbike engine. An incredibly
decrepit old Harley rattled round the corner. It was a mess. All bodywork
was missing, the seat was made from duct tape, the air filter was a memory,
the headlamp had no lens and the indicators were missing. And it had
absolutely no paint. The fuel tank and frame were covered by a thick layer
of rust.
Ranma stared. "Fucking hell - what a mess!"
Ryoga snorted. "That's the first time I've seen a bike rattier that yours,
Ranma."
Nodoka stared for a second then waved at the biker. The biker did a double
take then casually flipped her off.
She pulled up beside Nodoka's truck and parked her bike then climbed off.
Ranma narrowed his eyes. "That chick has one leg."
Nodoka shot him a startled look. "Er - how can you tell?"
"Way she's walking. She's favouring her left leg and her ankle's spring
loaded."
The girl walked over, pulling off her crash helmet. Everyone but Nodoka
gasped.
She was the spitting image of Ranma's curse form.
Ranma stared. "Er - if ya don't mind me askin', who th' fuck are you?"
Nodoka coughed politely. "Ranma, this is Ranko Saotome - your sister."
Ranma's eyes widened. "WHAT THE FUCK?"

On to the next one.

Chapter 10: Public Enemy #9
"Superstition and jealousy" - Rob Zombie, 'Drag-u-la'

"The importance of the role Mortise Tarou and Ranko Saotome had to play
cannot be stressed too strongly. Minako thinks it was Herb who prevented the
disaster that the Second Battle of Nerima might have been. I believe Mortise
was far more important. And if it hadn't been for he and Ranko, Nodoka
Saotome never would have changed her ways..." Dr. Aoi Hakamoto, talking to
colleagues, Juuban University of Science, October 2032.

************************************

The huge and immensely hairy leather - clad figure pootled along on his
bizarre looking motorbike. It resembled a V8 with the ends of a moped
grafted to it. That was because it was a V8 with the ends of a moped grafted
to it.
Just behind him was a second motorcycle. While the big guy's ride looked
like a self - propelled scrapyard this one gleamed. It was a Harley-Day and
in perfect condition. It's rider was dressed in a huge, billowing cloak and
black leathers. Neither rider wore a helmet. The big guy wore antique flying
goggles. His friend wore mirrorshades. Both were young guys.
A police car pulled alongside them. The guy on the Harley glanced over as
the cops gestured at them to pull over.
He removed his sunglasses. The startled cops got a glimpse of his eyes then
they were suddenly compelled to stop.
The big guy roared with laughter. "Nice one, Mortise!"
Mortise smirked and replaced his shades."They won't try that again,
Ratvespa."
Ratvespa bellowed with laughter again. "Yeah, and now that goddamn Ranma
Saotome's gonna die!"

************************************

"What the fuck?" Ranma repeated. "What the fuck, what the fuck what the-"
Shampoo cut him off with a loud giggle. "Stop say that, Ranma."
Nodoka sighed. "Ranma, please listen to my little explanation? You too,
Genma?"
The two Saotome men nodded.
"Yes, Ranko is indeed your sister... your twin. After Genma left me for Ai
Hibiki - Ryoga's mother-"
Ranma butted in. "Hey! How come ya never told me that, Dad!"
Ryoga nodded. "Yeah. My mum? You said she wuz dead!"
Nodoka coughed. "Ahem. I was about to get to that... The marriage between
myself and Genma was arranged... We never could have lived happily with each
other, but it was a necessity to end a centuries - old feud between our
clans. Thus you, Ranma. You share equal amounts of the Saotome and Moroboshi
lines."
Ranma nodded. "Riiight... but where does she-" he pointed at Ranko "- come
inta this? I wanna know."
Genma nodded. "He's not th' only one!"
"I was five months pregnant when Genma headed off to his true love Ai
Hibiki. Hey, our fathers suggested it. Neither of us expected twins, in fact
I never actually told him." She smiled at Genma. "Sorry - I didn't expect
you to come back."
Ryoga slammed his fist into the palm of his hand. "What the fuck's the
deal?"
Genma sighed. "Luckily I wasn't working the day your mother had a head - on
crash with an articulated lorry on her way to the supermarket. So I was
taking care of you. If I had been working both of you would have been killed
- the truck was an army one. Loaded with ammo - it caught fire. The only
reason they knew it was Ai was because they found her car's rear numberplate
and two of her teeth after the explosion."
Nodoka nodded. "That was about eighteen months after you were born, Ryoga.
About six months after Ranma and Ranko were born... Genma left me one male
name and one female name. I used both... but that was some time before I
took up trucking. I had little income. I could not afford to raise two
children. I knew Genma's father and my own father had been hoping for a
boy... while Ranma the first had died three months before Ryoga was born,
how could I refuse that lovely old man his dream? He was like a second
father to me. So I made my decision and sent Ranko to the adoption agency...
Six years ago, some four years after you trio vanished on your training
trip, I received a telephone call from the police force. Apparently the
family who adopted Ranko were involved in a high speed train crash... Ranko
was the only survivor out of their entire carriage. A freight train
travelling in the opposite direction had derailed and two wagons loaded with
fucking JGSDF tanks hit the passenger train. Ranko's left leg was cut off at
the knee by wreckage. They managed to dig her out of the mess twelve hours
after the crash... she was thrown out of a window by the impact and the
freight train locomotive landed on her leg. The carriage she had been in
caught fire - everyone else in it burned to death... A year ago she ran away
from home."
Ranko snorted. "Yeah, you old bitch! I was looking for my Dad! I am not a
lady!" She jerked her thumb at Nodoka. "This old coot didn't want me doing
any of the stuff me and my mates wanted to do so I left." She sniggered.
"Sure took you a while to cancel that credit card. I only stopped here
because I saw Dad the other day - his bike matched the one in the photo Mum
had of you guys the day you left and the name on the back of the jacket was
a dead giveaway. I been tracking you guys down since then."
Ranma stared at her. "You're my sister?"
"You're my brother."
Another motorbike thundered down the street. This one was also a Harley.
But unlike Ranko's decrepit ride this one gleamed. There was not a single
spot of dirt on it's glistening chrome metalwork, not one fly splat on the
headlamps, not one smear on the gleaming black - and - flames paintjob.
Ranma made a face. "Yuck."
Ranko shot him a weird look as the machine pulled up. It's rider was dressed
in skin tight leathers, mirrorshades and a large black cloak. He had longish
black hair and a nasty superior expression. And large gold earrings.
He coughed politely. "Excuse me, is there a Ranma Saotome resident at this
address?"
Ranma nodded. "Yeah - that's me."
"I have this message for you." He handed Ranma an old envelope which was
folded in half and closed with duct tape. "Sorry about the presentation, but
my pal is broke and can't afford fancy paper. Nice ratbikes - so long."
He rode off.
Ranma stared after him. "What the fuck was that all about?"
"Well, why not open this note and find out?" Ryoga suggested.
Ranma nodded and fished a large Bowie knife out of under his bike seat. He
slit the duct tape then replaced the knife in it's hidden sheath.
"Right, lets see."
He read the note then re-read it with a puzzled frown on his face.
"It's a challenge. From someone called Ratvespa... where have I heard that
name before?"
"Wasn't that that little cretin bully dude we usta beat up?" Ryoga asked.
Ranma snapped his fingers. "That's it. He had this old Vespa ped what he'd
ratted up a bit. An' he thought he could pick on anyone since he could wave
a baseball bat. Stupid fuckwit - I'm gonna make him regret comin' back fer
more."
"That wuz just after ya built my jetbike, wasn't it? He was well jealous
about that then he found out I'm gay an' started trying ta bully me."
Ranma nodded. "Yeah. I hospitalised him fer callin' Ryoga stuff he
shouldn't."
"Little queer, if I remember right. Ya shouldn't get so mad about it, bro -
it's true. That was before I found that shit that made me mega - strong."
"That's not th' point, Ryoga. Th' point is th' way he said it."
Ranko paused. "Um - let me get this straight? You're homosexual, Ryoga?"
Ryoga paused. "Something like that. Er - I'd better demonstrate."
He ambled over to the pond and splashed himself. She straightened up and
grinned at Ranko.
"Check this out!"

************************************

Ranko scratched her head. "Let me get this straight. Ryoga turns into a
catgirl. Ranma turns into a carbon copy of me. And Dad turns into a fucking
panda."
Ranma nodded gloomily. "Too fuckin' true, sis."
Ryoga grinned. "Cool, innit?"
"You think changing sex is cool?"
Herb snorted. "He - she would. It is for her." He finally made up his mind
about Ryoga's gender. But here was one girl he did not want to mess with.
Considering at the way Ranma looked at Akane and Shampoo he decided maybe
there was three. After all, Ryoga reckoned Ranma was better than her. Which
made Ranma very good indeed. Thinking of which, where the hell had the
Amazon girl gone? Not his problem, he decided.
He glanced at Ryoga. "We'd better get going... could you change back? You
know how much it distracts Mint and Lime."
Ryoga cackled then nodded. "Sure, boss." She grabbed the kettle and changed
herself back.
Ranma suddenly glanced around. "Hey - where the fuck did Shampoo go?"
Everyone shrugged. Ranma sighed. "Ah well. She's probably takin' a shit."
Ryoga and Herb walked out the door, both smoking. Then Herb made up his
mind.
"Ryoga, I trust you. So I'll tell you the truth."
He flipped back his hood, revealing 'his' face to Ryoga for the first time.
"What the fuck? Jusenkyo?"
Herb nodded grimly. "I fell in Spring of Drowned Girl... but that's not the
end of the story. You know that bucket I've always got on my bike?"
"Yeah?"
"Splash a Jusenkyo - cursed individual with that and it makes the curse
permanent. I met it's contents coming the other way."
Ryoga whistled. "No shit?"
"No shit. What I'm looking for is it's companion artifact - a kettle that
reverses it's effects. It was stolen by a group of monks several years
ago..."
"And we're gonna get it back, right man?"
Herb nodded and flipped her cloak hood back up.
"If we manage - note IF - I'll give you a go with that bucket, huh?"
Ryoga grinned wickedly. "Now that is so cool!"
Herb sighed.
"Thankyou for understanding, Ryoga."
"Herb, you're more than a boss. You're a friend."
Herb stared at the Japanese boy for several seconds. Then she realised.
It was true. Ryoga was definitely a friend.
"Let's go, Ryoga."

************************************

"Hmm... should be easy fixin' this cunt. His ass is gonna be history."
Ranko snorted. "You are so psycho, Ranma."
"Yeah. What's wrong with that? You never saw that fuckhead beatin' up little
kids ta make them give him their money."
"Ranma, you're getting overconfident here." Akane pointed out.
"Naw, I'm gettin' plenty PO'ed."
Nodoka frowned. "Remember that our family honour pivots on-"
"Can it, Mum." Ranma shoved his hand into his jacket and pulled out the GP35
Akane had given him.
"You see that? I fight ta win. Th' stakes are too fuckin' high not ta.
Honour ain't in it, Mum. I don't give a fuck about all that crap."
Nodoka stared at him. She looked like she was going into shock.
"I'm gonna rip Ratvespa in two. A couple of times he hospitalised little
kids with a baseball bat. So I'm gonna beat him till he's beggin' me ta kill
him." He shook his head. "Wonder who th' git with the Hardly Drivable was."

************************************

Half an hour later they figured out that Shampoo was nowhere in the house or
grounds. None of her stuff was gone.
Even her AK47 was still where she had left it. She had told nobody she was
leaving. Ranma got mad fast.
Just after he had phoned Dr. Tofu they heard a Harley engine pull up
outside.
Ranma grabbed the AK47 and they sprinted out the house.
He found the same youth as before, obviously waiting.
"Wadda you want, Bubba?"
"The name is Mortise. Mortise Tarou."
"Whatever. So, waddya want, Mortise Tarou?"
"I have another message for you. Apparently Ratvespa wasn't satisfied in
sending one message. He also seemed to believe your entire family would gang
up on him if he approached alone."
"Gang up on that little bully? Of course fuckin' not! I'd just rip his
fuckin' head off on my fuckin' own. Gimme th' fuckin' note already."
Mortise snorted and handed him the piece of paper - another old envelope.
"That kind of language is completely unnecessary, Saotome. And calling
Ratvespa a bully? Surely that is a case of the pot calling the kettle
black."
"I dunno what the little shit's been tellin' ya but it wuz bullshit. I ain't
the one who hospitalised an eight year old girl because she didn't give him
enough money and despite the fact she'd given him all o' her money."
Mortise frowned. "I find that hard to equate with Ratvespa. But be certain
that I will find the truth."
He kickstarted his bike and rode off. Ranma ripped the note open.
The next sound out of his throat was a bloodcurdling battle roar.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Akane took a step backwards.
"Ranma? What's wrong?"
"I am going to kneecap that little bastard!"
"What? What'd he do?"
Ranma handed her the note. She read it out loud.
"Saotome. To ensure that you do not cheat and bring allies, I have taken a
hostage - the Chinese girl Mortise said you seemed fond of. I look forwards
to slaughtering you for everything you ever did to me. Do not bring your
friends, your poofter brother, that over the top GSXR or any weapons or I
will slash her throat. Come immediately."
Ranma paused for several seconds.
"Right. I got my gun."
He glanced around. His eyes lit upon one of the almost finished bikes.
The bike he had been building for Shampoo.
"I guess I'll see ya later, Akane."
He jumped on to the machine, filled it's fuel tank and fired the engine then
rode off after Mortise.

************************************

Mortise pulled up outside the camp he was sharing with Ratvespa.
"That's it... hey, what's with the girl?"
Ratvespa looked up. Shampoo was tied firmly to a tree nearby.
"Oh, didn't you know? I decided to have a watch of Saotome. He was all over
these two chicks and I got this one with my last trank gun round while she
was walking to their training hall."
Shampoo gritted her teeth. "Ranma kill you for sure."
Mortise swung off his bike and started taking up his tent.
"Ratvespa, I'm ashamed of you. I am leaving and I do not know you any more."
A bellowing engine echoed through the woods.
"Sounds like a CB." Ratvespa remarked.
Mortise ignored him and continued methodically taking down his tent.
"You do not exist in my world any more, Ratvespa."
"Mortise? What's wrong? Don't you remember me helping you get your name
changed? I thought we were friends!"
"Shut up. I am not friends with animals, dog boy."
Ratvespa growled. At that moment a rusting CB500 with no lights, bodywork or
seat careered into the clearing.
"Hmm - you should have chosen a site by the metalled road."
Ratvespa glared at the figure on the bike. It was Ranma. He had no gloves or
helmet.
Ranma saw the indescribably ugly moped based thing and the massive man
beside it. He skidded his bike to a halt and pulled out a handgun.
"You're gonna die, Ratvespa!"
Ratvespa snorted and grabbed a large knife. "You think that thing can hurt
me? Your Chink babe's gonna pay the price!"
A hand clenched around his wrist. Mortise sneered at him.
"Drop the knife, dog boy. You're going to regret abusing my trust like
that." He glanced over at Ranma. "Take the lady and leave. Me and my former
friend have business to discuss."
Ranma shook his head. "No. I came here intendin' ta shoot that bastard and
I'm gonna do it now!"
He fired, clipping Ratvespa's shoulder. The huge man let out an angry yell.
"ARGH! You shit! You're gonna pay for this! And you, Mortise you traitor!"
Mortise snorted and threw him. A single handed throw that launched the other
man sixty feet.
"Take the girl and leave, Mr. Saotome." Mortise turned and freed Shampoo.
Ranma looked at her. "Let's get out of here."
She nodded. Ranma glanced at Mortise.
"If he's still alive when you've finished with him... tell him never to fuck
with a Saotome again. I didn't have time ta grab the M60."
"M60? As in machine gun?"
"Yeah."

************************************

Nabiki paused, leaning against the wall beside the door.
Her father and Genma were talking in low tones to one of the wedding guests.
"We really don't know what to do." That was Soun.
"It is as much your choice as mine, Mr. Tendo." That was the guest.
"Sir, I'm downright worried. More and more troublesome types keep getting
involved in all this." That was Genma.
"I know. First the strangers. Then Joketsuzo - I have had my eye on them for
some time. Ever since Kou Loun became their Matriarch."
Genma groaned. "Splinter groups. Splinter groups. Why are we the only ones
who get splinter groups?"
"Because we Saotome's have a tendency to be too bloody minded for our own
good?"
Soun laughed quietly. "Ranma sure is. No offence."
"None taken, Mr. Tendo. How is your daughter taking the interference of this
Amazon girl?"
Soun snorted. "We're in with an advantage there... Akane is bisexual and as
far as I've worked out she fancies Shampoo."
"Well, that's lucky. Hmm - be sure to tell me if Kou Loun or one of Szabo's
brood get involved in this."
Genma snorted. "We don't need to be worried about Szabo. She's dead for
good."
"Really? So someone managed to get the better of her?"
"Yes - a teenage boy she did. He was here earlier - delivering a challenge
letter to Ranma for one of his pals."
"So she bit off more than she could chew, huh? At last."
"At last. That decaying old bitch was a pain in the jugular for everyone."
The three men roared with laughter. Soun spoke next.
"I'm still worried about that Amazon. And my brother."
"What, the one who went Clanless?"
"Yes. Takesada. He's with the police and he's been keeping an eye on the
rest of us. Dad tried to warn him off but it was useless. His partner is
worse."
"What's his partner?"
"A mundane. Razor sharp mind."
"Oh great. What's his name?"
"Don't know. Takesada's real close - mouthed about him."
"Doesn't matter. I'll track down Takesada Tendo and warn him and his partner
to keep well clear of you. I've got enough political clout... Have any of
the children changed yet?"
"No, they haven't got a clue."
"It's soon going to be time to explain to them. Let me do the talking."
"Yes, sir."
Nabiki decided she was pushing her luck and slipped away.

Down she goes!

Chapter 11: Pickled Monkey or What?
'Do you realise what you have done?' - Hawkwind, "Needle Gun"

"That was not a good day in hindsight. Kou Loun wasn't the sprat we thought
she was - she turned out to be the biggest trouble we had before 1999."
Akane Saotome, interview for Channel 9 News, February 2011.

************************************

Ranma glared at the half - built bike.
"Right. Th' big question is - how many headlamps?"
Akane gave him a confused look. "You what?"
"Well, this machine fires no bother. Now I gotta decide how many lamps ta
fit, what ta make th' seat outta - ya know, stuff like that. All th'
details."
Shampoo giggled from where she was doing a kata on the patio.
"You is spend too much time worry about bikes, Ranma."
"Ya what? Bikes are fun!" He grabbed a pair of headlamps from the parts
pile.
"Right, let's see if these work." He connected a set of jump leads to the
car battery he was sitting on then pressed the leads to the lamps contacts.
One lit up, the other didn't.
He threw the unoperational one onto the second pile and grabbed another
lamp.
"Er - Ranma - why not just get new bulbs?"
"I checked all th' bulbs earlier. That one's gotten a dead holder an' I
gotten enough lamp units that I don't need ta worry about it."
All three looked up as a motorbike rounded the corner.
"It's that Mortise guy!"
The Harley rider pulled up and leant his bike onto it's centre stand. Ranma
nodded at him. "Ratvespa still alive?"
"That arsehole isn't the easiest person to kill."
"Oh aye? An AK47 blast in th' face should put th' bastard six foot under."
Mortise sighed. "Do you really want to lower yourself to his level?"
Ranma scratched his head. "Look, I wanna rip that motherfucker's head off
an' shit down his neck. He threatened onea my wives - this is fuckin'
PERSONAL!" He paused. "Anyway, I owe ya big time. Thanks."
Mortise grinned lopsidedly. "Don't worry about it. You really think I was
going to stand aside and watch a pretty girl get her throat slashed?"
Shampoo blushed slightly. "You is embarrassing me!"
Mortise snorted. "Hey, you're an Amazon. I'm gonna go a long way to get on
your good side - warriors of Joketsuzo have never been good people to piss
off if you like your guts. And I like mine."
Ranma laughed. "So, what brings you here?"
"Actually, I wanted to apologise for my involvement in Ratvespa's scheme."
Ranko stuck her head out the door.
"Hey, bro - who's this?"
"This is Mortise. Mortise, this is my twin sister Ranko Saotome."
Mortise bowed politely. "Charmed, I'm sure."
"How come you were hangin' out with an arsehole like Ratvespa?"
"Call it extreme misjudgment."
Ranma nodded. "Gotcha. Hey - Shampoo - pass us a twelve mill socket."
Shampoo tossed him the socket in question and he started fastening a piece
of angle iron to the partially assembled bike's headstock. "This'll make a
decent headlamp mount if I bend a couple o' U-angles an' bolt em' onta it."
Mortise frowned. "Looks like Meccano."
"That's because it is."
"You're using Meccano for a headlamp mount?"
"Yeah, it's decent quality steel strip with plenty o' bolt holes that'll fit
the size o' bolts I bought. Whack a bit o' rust proof paint onta it an'
job's a good 'un."
"Oh. Okay... fair enough."

************************************

Herb stared at the building in the depths of the valley. They had camped on
the top of a nearby bluff and waited until mid morning before deciding to
scope the place out.
"That's it."
"Huh? Looks like your average monk dump to me."
"Ryoga, what did I say about a certain artifact? How it was stolen by a
bunch of monks? That's their monastery."
Ryoga nodded thoughtfully. "Right... So we go in and trash the burg, right?"
"Yeah. We go in and trash the burg."
Ryoga grinned. "Rock and roll, baby - rock and roll."
Mint snorted. "Hmm. How do we get through the doors?"
"Er - my forehead?" Lime suggested. "I can headbutt them flat?"
Ryoga grinned and uprooted a nearby tree. "I'll help."
"Hey - you're strong! We should armwrestle sometime!" Lime yanked a bigger
tree out of the ground and threw it at the monastery. There was a huge crash
as the tree caved in a substantial section of perimeter wall.
"Well, that solves how we get in. Throw the tree away when we get down
there."
Herb kickstarted her bike. "Rock and roll!"
Ryoga thumbed the ignition. "Charge!"
"Let's get ready to rumble!"
"Woof!"
"Waddya mean 'woof', Mint?"
"Well - I couldn't think what else to say."

************************************

Ranma sighed and sat back on the couch.
"Well, should have those machines ready ta paint tomorrow. Hey - Mortise -
fancy a beer?" He offered the other youth a can of Buds.
"No thankyou. I am allergic to alcohol."
"Bummer, man... So - whereabouts d'ya stay?"
"Oh, wherever I land up in the evening. It's a pleasant enough life."
"Yeah - I usta be a saddle tramp meself. Can be good, just goin' with no
worries but where th' next tank o' gas is comin' from."
Mortise nodded. "Indeed, indeed. Little to get in the way of just going,
huh?"
"Except pigs."
Shampoo sat down beside Ranma. She grabbed a can from the six - pack and
cracked it, taking a swig as Akane parked herself the other side of Ranma.
"So - how come you not interrupt Ratvespa before Ranma show?"
"He's equal to me in combat. I couldn't have defeated him so easily if Ranma
hadn't shot him. Oh, it'll be healed by now but a hollowpoint in the
shoulder will slow down even his kind." Mortise paused for a second then
fished a small tub out of his pocket. "I believe Ratvespa will try to bring
harm to you folks again. Forewarned is forearmed - put some of this paste
into the hollowpoints of each slug of one magazinefull. Seal it in with
beeswax and use those slugs when you next fight Ratvespa. Believe me you
won't be able to beat him otherwise."
"Er - what the hell is this stuff? Why won't I be able to take him?"
"Ranma, no offence - but you are human. That stuff is wolfsbane paste. It
won't kill him, it'll just stop him shapeshifting so he'll have to fight
fair. Or do you really want to take on something as strong as a forklift
truck and as fast as an express train? I can only take him because of my
curse."
"Curse? As in Jusenkyo curse, right?"
Mortise nodded. "Yes. That sort."
"So - waddya turn inta?"
"I'll step outside and demonstrate. No need to take out any walls - my curse
form weighs a ton and a half."
"Er - what the hell is it?"
Mortise smirked and stepped outside. He looked around then jumped into the
pond.
A gigantic creature erupted from the water. It looked like an oversized
minotaur gone wrong with a set of ludicrously small wings poking out of it's
shoulders. And a snake - like tail, complete with head.
"What - the - fuck?"
The creature nodded then pointed at Kasumi's cup of tea and made a pouring
gesture. Kasumi nodded. "Oh, wow man - he'd like some like hot water, man."
She ambled through to the kitchen and emerged a few moments later with a mug
full of hot water. "Good thing the boiler works really kinda well."
Ranma snorted. "Ya said it."
Kasumi smiled and tossed the mugfull of water over the creature, which
rapidly became Mortise again.
He shrugged and shook off the water. "You see what I mean? I can't remember
the exact name, but it's something along the lines of Spring of drowned Yeti
riding Yak while carrying Eel and Crane. You saw the end result."
"You are one fuckin' ugly motherfucker! Er, in thingamajig form that is."
"Hey, it's kinda cool - being able to turn into a fuckin' massive shit -
ugly minotaur type thing. Oh, and being able to fly. Let's just say I give
muggers one hell of a fright - I made the last one shit his pants."
Ranma sighed. "It's a fuck o' a lot better than changin' sex."
"I dunno. At least with you a spilt beer won't mean ex - pub."

************************************

Soun examined the engine he and Genma were planning to use. Suzuki Bandit
1200. Almost stock - apart from the turbo. He grinned.
"What're we going to do about the chassis?"
"I've got the main frames over there. D'ya want a hard or soft tail?"
"Uh, Genma - putting a turbo Bandit motor in a hardtail would be stark
staring mad..."
"Right, monoshock I presume?"
"Yep. Let's see if we can get some sort of streetfighter together."
Genma nodded. "Tomorrow I'll see if I can sort out a tail end - we've got
the motor ready ta kick over now."
"Stick 200 section wheels both ends, huh?"
Genma snorted. "I'll have ta get Ranma ta modify the hub for the front."

************************************

Ryoga shook her head.
"No sign of it over here."
Mint made a face. "I tried asking - they claim a trio of roving
motorcyclists stole it. A father and his two sons, apparently."
Ryoga paused. "Er... um... let me think... Let's have a scout around by that
old camp fire, huh?"
Herb looked confused. "Er - why?"
"Because this place looks kind of familiar and I spent a few years cruising
around with Dad and my brother."
"You what?"
"You heard Mint. A trio of roving motorcyclists, father and two sons, I used
to be male, I vaguely remember scarfing an old kettle outta a monastery we
stopped of at once after Dad busted his arm."
"You mean..."
"Ranma dumped a dead set of pistons and such near the campfire. I've still
got the kettle we nicked. If I'm right it's in my pack."
"How will you know if you're right?"
"Well, if it works I'm right. Come on - let's go check it out."
"You mean we flattened this place for no reason?"
"I think so."
They left the wrecked monastery and headed back up to the camp. Ryoga cast
around near the fireplace for a few moments then tossed an old piston to
Herb.
"Yeah, that's one of Ranma's. He's got the only bike I know of that does
that to solid titanium pistons."
Herb whistled. "Sure is fucked up!"
Ryoga nodded and grabbed the kettle. She dumped the tea dregs and refilled
it.
"Right, let's give this a go."
Herb nodded. She sat and stared as Ryoga heated the kettle then grabbed it.
"Work you bastard!"

************************************

Ranma slowly put down the adjustable wrench and squinted at the shrivelled
figure that had just pulled up in an old Chinese army truck.
"What the hell is that?"
The figure hopped out of the truck and peered around.
"A pickled monkey?" Ranko suggested. She then giggled and turned back to her
bike engine.
Ranma peered carefully at the figure, who was in the process of giving Ranko
a dirty look. "Er - no - actually, I think it's - she's - an old woman. Erm,
you lookin' for somethin' or someone, lady?"
The crone suddenly seemed to notice he was there.
"Actually, yes. I am indeed looking for somebody."
"Reckon we could help ya?"
"Possibly considering the presence of that motorcycle." The crone pointed at
Ranma's bike. "She is around five foot three tall, she has purple hair
worn-"
"Ya mean Shampoo?"
"Xian Pu?"
"Yeah, I'm crap at pronouncin' Chinese. So - waddya want with her? She's
feelin' pretty fucked up the now what with bein' kidnapped by that psycho
fuckhead thug an' bein' pregnant an' nearly gettin' her throat slashed an'
so on, even if she won't admit it. Sometimes she tries ta be too fuckin'
tough fer her own good."
The crone narrowed her eyes. "And how exactly do you happen to know my
great-granddaughter, young man?"
"Because I'm married to her. Ya know, I thought I recognised ya. Ya were
watchin' th' fight in th' Amazon village, weren't ya?"
The crone looked blank. "Pardon? I don't remember seeing you before."
"Aw fer fuck sake! What kinda girl's gonna have 'when in doubt suck my cock'
written on her bike's fuel tank? An' who's gonna let a fuckin' panda ride a
bike like Dad's V8 on th' road? Spring o' Drowned Girl ta ya an' a whole
shitload other dumb fuckwits! Ya know, Jusenkyo? It's only a couple o' miles
from yer village..."
The crone snorted and jerked her thumb at Ranko. "What about her?"
"She looks like my female form because she's my twin sister, fuckwit."
Shampoo chose this moment to peer out of the door along with Akane. She
narrowed her eyes.
"Matriarch Kou Loun? What you doing here?"
Kou Loun paused. "{Excuse me, that's my line. Why have you not returned to
Joketsuzo, child?}"
Ranma groaned. "Aw fer fuck sake! Here comes th' annual gibberish
convention!"
Kou Loun glared at him. "Shut up, boy."
"Fuck you, pickled monkey. This is my home, I'm not gonna can it."
Kou Loun sighed. "Xian Pu, we need to talk. Privately."
Shampoo swallowed a couple of times. "No."
"Repeat that, child?"
"No. Is business of Ranma and Akane. They involved inextricitly."
"Shampoo, that's inextricably."
"Is what I mean. We all talk or not talk at all. I not return to Joketsuzo."
Kou Loun narrowed her eyes. "And what makes you think that?"
There was a metallic 'slide-chunk' from the direction of Ranko. Turning to
look, everyone saw she had gripped her calf muscle and tugged sharply
backwards. Or rather, where her calf muscle would be if her leg wasn't
prosthetic.
"Look here, lady. I don't know who you are and I don't really give a fuck.
But you sound awfully like you're threatening my sister in law, so sod off
before I blow your brains out. This is a four-bore pump-action leg and I'm
not afraid to use it. You've gotta asks yourself - do you feel lucky? Well?
Do you?"
As if to reinforce the point an empty shotgun cartridge dropped out of her
trouser leg.
Kou Loun laughed quietly. "Child, I somehow doubt it would slow me down for
long." Then her eyes lit upon Mortise as he stood from behind his bike.
"Excuse me, Matriarch. I believe we should have a little chat."
"Pantyhose Tarou, is it?"
"I was once named that. Not any more. I am Mortise, and the teenager you
once knew is long gone." He calmly grabbed her shoulder and walked off down
the street towing the startled old hag behind him.
Ranma stared after them. Something suddenly clicked.
"Did Mortise really mean Ratvespa's a werewolf?"

************************************

Kou Loun glared at Mortise over her cup of coffee.
"So, mind explaining yourself?"
Mortise shook his head. "Let's just put it this way - you don't give them
trouble and I won't tell them what you lot are, Amazon. Have you had the
decency to tell Xian Pu?"
Kou Loun narrowed her eyes even further. "What if I do give them trouble?
How about if I tell them what you are?"
"Cut the bullshit. They like me - I saved Xian Pu's life. I gave them some
advice on dealing with your kind."
"Perhaps, but how would they react to knowing what you are?"
"Face it, hag. My kind can easily take your kind, especially with my curse.
Don't try playing with any sticks, I'm Irish breed - you know as well as I
do it won't work. There's only one living creature I'm scared of - Ranma
Saotome."
"Exactly why is that?"
"Cut the shit. Surely you saw his aura?"
Kou Loun nodded.
"Then you saw what shape it is. Scared yet?"
"No. I am not scared of a whelp."
"Oh right. So that's what you think of him, huh? Well listen here, coot. I
have the gift of Foresight. That 'whelp' is far more important to this world
than you or your village ever will be. And me? I'm just an observer. Sure, I
give advice, but aside from that I watch."
"What do you mean, 'important'?"
"Exactly what it sounds like, fool. And remember, this is Clan Saotome
territory. So it would be unwise to mess with the heir to war leadership of
the Clan."
"You what? This Ranma is Akira's heir?"
"I don't know how they work out leadership, but that's what Red told me."
"Red? You spoke to Red?"
"Yes. And the Record Keeper would know."
"Yes. She would. It seems I need to get Xian Pu out of here."
"Didn't you notice? She's pregnant with Ranma's child."
"You what?"
"You heard me. It would be wise to leave Xian Pu the hell alone."
"Excuse me, but this is my heir you're talking about."
"Then maybe it's time you lot reconciled yourselves with Clan Saotome."
"The time for that will NEVER come, boy!"
"I wouldn't be so sure. You are not immortal and you are not all powerful."

************************************

Ryoga nodded sharply.
"Well, it worked. What now."
"Fucking A-1! This is so cool!"
"You gonna fulfil your side of the deal?"
"Of course I bloody am! Waddya take me for?"
Herb grinned broadly, paused to scratch his groin in a very satisfied
fashion and handed the bucket to Ryoga.
"Man, feel's good! I've missed them..."
Ryoga took the bucket, not noticing the stone cold tea dregs in the bottom,
and emptied Mint's water bottle (spare engine coolant, actually) into it.
Mint frowned "Er, Ryoga - be careful, that's got antifreeze in it - too
late."
Ryoga had already tipped the enchanted mix of cold water, antifreeze and tea
dregs over his own head.

************************************

Ranma silently finished 'modifying' the pistol ammunition.
"Alright. Now we're ready fer that shithead Ratvespa."
"Are you sure you believe Mortise? I mean, a werewolf? It sounds a bit far
fetched to me."
"Akane, after th' crap I've been through nothin' sounds far fetched. Look,
if someone told ya six months ago that ya were gonna marry a guy who changes
sex every so often ya'd have told 'em ta stop talkin' bullshit, huh?"
"Well - yeah. I don't see your point."
"Point is my life's so fuckin' weird that nothin's gonna shock me."
"I bet something could!"
Ranma shrugged. "I'm not so sure."
"What do you want to bet on it?"
"Look, bettin's yer idea."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I don't know, ya tell me. That's what that's supposed ta mean."
"Oh, forget about it."

************************************

Genma gritted his teeth.
"This is not good, Tendo. We've got to let Akira know!"
"Er - are you sure?"
"That was Kou Loun, Tendo. And you know what that means."
"Kou Loun?"
"Matriarch of Joketsuzo. Trouble of the 'deep shit' kind, man!"
"Alright... we write to him, huh?"
"Yes, maybe he'll be able to see that hag off." Genma grabbed a pencil and
paper.

And another one bites the dust.

Chapter 12: The Canine One
'Grant to me a second skin and teach me everything' - Moonspell, "Second
Skin"

"Let's just say it was one of the least subtle experiences I've ever had." -
Ranma Saotome.

************************************

Kou Loun watched quietly as Mortise walked away. His parting words still
rung through her head.
"Don't mess with Ranma Saotome or I'll have to do something about you."
She clenched and unclenched her teeth. How dare that little shit order her
around? But he had a point. In a protracted fight he could easily rip her to
shreds.
This called for subtlety. She finished her coffee and returned to her truck.
Next stop - Joketsuzo. Plots to plot, lackies to command.

************************************

Nabiki glared at the curl of smoke coming from the ashtray. What the hell
had possessed her to start smoking? She shook her head and grabbed her
laptop. Once again she went over the information.
Bad, bad, bad. 100 percent bad. She switched the computer off and trudged
downstairs.
In the living room she found Ranma arguing with Akane in muted tones.
Something about what Mortise had said. She shook her head again. She had
more important things to worry about than her brother-in-law's enemies.
Ranma looked up from his argument. "Hey there, Nabiki. How ya doin, sis?"
Nabiki sighed. "Could be worse." He didn't need to know. Bad enough that she
had to worry about this crap.
"Nabiki, that's bullshit. I dunno what but somethin's freakin' ya out
bigstyle."
"Ranma, it's business stuff."
"Someone givin' my brilliant sister-in-law trouble? Want me ta work 'em
over?"
"This isn't something that can be solved that way - but thanks for the
offer." She smiled. It was good to know someone would support her.
"Aw, no bother, huh sis?"
Nabiki nodded and picked up a beer. "One thing's certain - I need a drink."
"Need ta unwind, huh? Look, Nabs - if ya ever need my help don't hesitate ta
ask. If ya need ta unload talk ta me. I'll keep it private, huh?" He leant
over and hugged her. "Yer my pretty sister in law. I like ya."
Nabiki blushed. "Aw, you're just trying to make me feel better."
"Sis, I hate seein' people I like lookin' that fucked up."
Nabiki smiled again. She didn't know why, but she liked Ranma too. The first
time she'd seen him she'd thought he was some big thick jock.
Ranma was anything but that. What had made her hesitate to use him for
financial gains she didn't know. But she was glad of it.
She still didn't know why, but somehow he seemed worth far more as a friend
than as a source of money. Hell, he was the first person she had met in
years who liked her. It was a completely unfamiliar feeling, being liked.
And trusted.
Maybe Ranma trusted her because he couldn't imagine her doing anything bad?
No, that couldn't be it. Maybe Ranma could tell who she really was.
One thing she had realised over the last few weeks was that the Ice Queen of
Furinkan High was not truly Nabiki Tendo. She wasn't sure who she really
was, but she wasn't the heartless bitch everyone thought she was.
Well, apart from Ranma. And his friends. What was it with them? They always
seemed to find the best in anyone.
Maybe because that was the first thing they looked for.

************************************

Mortise watched Kou Loun drive away then turned to Ranko.
"Well, good riddance to bad rubbish."
"What was that old goat's problem anyway?"
"Are you really sure you want to know? That old bat is a complete bitch."
"Yeah, I really want to know. She's obviously involved in my family
somehow."
"Well, I suppose she is. She is the Matriarch of Joketsuzo - the village
Xian Pu comes from. In fact Xian Pu is her heir. The Amazons of Joketsuzo
traditionally place no value whatsoever in men except as sources of sperm."
Ranko made a face. "Sound's like they're stupid."
"Yes, you could call them that. They're very sexist only not in the usual
manner. It would make a change if they weren't so extreme about it. Hell, in
their village men are little more than slaves. And that's the lucky ones. I
think that's why Xian Pu decided not to return - like to hazard a guess what
would happen if someone tried to treat Ranma Saotome like that?"
Ranko nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah... it wouldn't exactly be pretty."
"You could put it that way. I doubt there would be much left of the
village."
"Um, there's more to it than that. Shampoo said she hates Joketsuzo."
"She did? Well, that explains that. But - why?"
"She's got a brother and they treat him like shit."
"That's to be expected. Which doesn't mean she has to like it. In fact, all
the more respect for her that she doesn't like it."
Ranko nodded. "Say - we've been thinking about trying to get her brother out
of there. Do you think you could help?"
Mortise smiled. "A chance to piss Kou Loun off and get away with it? Great!
Come on, let's talk to Ranma, Xian Pu and Akane - we need a plan."
They headed inside. Ranma and Akane were chatting with Nabiki.
"Where's Xian PU?"
"Oh, yer back. She's doin' a shit."
"Right. Myself and Ranko were discussing the possibility of retrieving Xian
Pu's brother from Joketsuzo."
"Well, we better wait fer her, huh?"
Mortise nodded. "Of course. Say, did Ratvespa show up while I was away?"
"Nah... Um, did ya really mean he's a werewolf?"
"Yes. I did."
"So - why not just use silver on th' fuckhead?"
"Oh, that's the other kind of werewolf. Loup-garou as opposed to Amerai. In
Loup-garou it's a disease, known as lycanthropy. In Amerai it's genetic,
inherited from parent to child. If you parents are Amerai you are Amerai.
Amerai can successfully crossbreed with humans, but their genetics are
stronger than humans. The children of such a union will turn out as Amerai,
nine times out of ten."
"Er - how come there's humans around?"
"Simply because there are over a hundred humans for every Amerai. The Amerai
are not widespread enough to have completely absorbed the human gene pool."
"Okay... Look, how do we know yer not bullshittin' us?"
"At present you have no way of knowing and I have no way of proving my
claim. Just take my word for it. Please?"
Ranma paused for a moment then nodded.
"Okay. I will. If this is true we need all th' forewarnin' we can get. It
sounds crazy but then so does a curse what makes ya change sex, huh?"
Mortise nodded. "Thankyou. Yes, it does sound crazy. That's exactly what I
thought when I was first told - before I first saw Ratvespa shapeshift.
Before I first met Hanovan."
"Hanovan?"
"Hanovan guards the historic texts of the Amerai. She's one of the highest
officials in their society. She looks like she's fifteen but she's actually
over five hundred years old - an Amerai who has shapeshifted ceases to age."
"Just like that?"
"Yes. Again it sounds crazy. I'm told it's something to do with ki."
"Look, what do we do at th' full moon when he goes apeshit?"
"Ranma, that is another myth. An Amerai will start growing more hair than is
good for him or her during the week of his or her birth lunar phase.
Loup-garou go crazy on the night of the full moon. Amerai only lose it
during times of extreme stress. If they are completely possessed by a single
emotion they will become unable to resist expressing that emotion in the
most direct way possible."
Ranma whistled. "Ouch."
"Yeah. Wolfsbane stops that too. Hell, while under the effect of wolfsbane
an Amerai is technically human. Well, except they still regenerate."
"Well, that's useful ta know."
"Yes. It is."
Shampoo walked into the room. "Oh, hello Mortise. You is back. Where
Matriarch?"
"She took off. I believe she is in the process of returning to China."
Shampoo gaped. "You manage for to scare HER off? How?"
"There's more to me than meets the eye... It's entirely a matter of
contacts. I threatened her with friends of mine she really does not want to
annoy."
"Them must be monsters! Kou Loun be a monster!"
"Hey, there's worse things than an Amazon Elder. There's people who scare
the hell out of her. People I know and like."
"You must be have much powerful friends!"
"Yeah, I do. Hell, one of my mates is a living god. You've heard of Lord
Saffron?"
"You is calling Lord Saffron a friend?!?!"
"Yeah, he used to owe me one. In the process of his paying me back we became
firm friends. He may be a spoilt brat but he does have feelings. He's not an
easy person to befriend but once befriended he is very loyal. And I like and
respect him despite all of his faults. Hey, nobody's perfect. Now, myself
and Ranko were discussing the possibility of retrieving you brother from
Joketsuzo."
"You was?"
"Yes. And we need a plan."

************************************

Ratvespa looked over the bikes. Ranma's Gixer, Genma's V8, Mortise's hog and
a pair of ramshackle and unpainted machines that looked CB500 based. He
frowned and headed for the door.
Time to try the direct approach. He kicked the door in.
"PREPARE TO DIE SAOTOME!"
Ranma grabbed a handgun off the table. "So ya came back fer more, huh? You
always were fuckin' stupid."
"Ha! You're the one who's stupid, human! You messed with me!"
Ranma snorted and let fly with the handgun. It crashed twice.
Blood appeared on Ratvespa's jacket. "Idiot! You think that's gonna - huh?
Wolfsbane! You bastard!"
"Get out of here, fuckhead. An' don't come back. You fuck with me again an'
I'll hafta rip off yer fuckin' head." Ranma pocketed the gun and went into a
defensive stance. "So are you gonna take th' free advice?"
Ratvespa gritted his teeth. "Care to step outside and say that again?"
"Ya wanna beatin', huh? Well, ya came ta th' right man!"
Ratvespa edged backwards out the door. "You're going to regret this!"
"Am I? Yer th' one who tried ta kill my wife!"
The whole crew followed Ranma out the door to watch.
"And I may kill the bitch yet!"
Shampoo let out an angry hiss. She grabbed the gun out of Ranma's pocket and
pumped Ratvespa full of lead.

************************************

Ranma shook his head. "I can't believe he walked away from that after five
minutes. How th' fuck could he keep movin' with all that lead inside of
him?"
Mortise snorted. "Amerai are not easy people to kill. I think I'll contact
Hanovan and see if she can get Ratvespa off your backs. She owes me one - I
saved her life a couple of times."
Ranma snorted and continued stuffing hollowpoint handgun slugs full of
wolfsbane. "Suppose she can't. What then?"
"What then? Then we give him one last chance. He messes with us again and I
kill him. He is not immune to drowning. My curse form is immune to drowning.
Eel blood, remember? I'm the only one who could hold him underwater long
enough."
Ranma made a face. "I hope it don't haveta come ta that."
Akane looked round. "Say - I don't suppose you know why he calls himself
Ratvespa, do you?"
Mortise snorted. "Oh, he hates his real name. Shinji Moroboshi."
"That's his real name? I knew th' Moroboshi part. It don't suit him."
"No. It doesn't."
"Gotten any ideas how we're gonna get Shampoo's brother outta there?"
"I have a very simple idea. Xian Pu, write a letter to him explaining what
is going on. I will deliver this letter and - if he agrees - help him
escape. Sound good?"
Shampoo, Ranma, Akane and Ranko all nodded. Nabiki frowned.
"Deceptively simple. I know a fair bit about Joketsuzo." She shot Shampoo an
embarrassed grin. "I always carry out a background check on anyone who get's
involved with my family. I needed to find out if you were for real."
Shampoo nodded. "Is cool. I is understand."
"Thanks. At any rate, the standard description of Joketsuzo is 'extremely
dangerous'. No offence, Mortise - but can you handle it?"
Mortise nodded. "Easily - with a little help from my friends."
Nabiki nodded thoughtfully. "I should be able to arrange transport and a
little backup if you like."
Mortise frowned then shook his head. "Thanks for the offer, but I want to do
this my way. I plan to ask a couple of my friends to help - they can easily
provide enough backup. I've done similar jobs before. Hell, I once rescued
Lord Saffron's girlfriend from the Chinese government. They had her in a
research lab and were gonna cut her up. I got her out of there and home. He
really liked me after that. Before that he didn't know me."
Shampoo whistled. "You what? His girlfriend?"
"Didn't you know? He's in love with Kimaa. The poor girl hasn't figured it
but he adores her - he'd do anything for her. When shall we go ahead with
this rescue operation?"
Nabiki frowned. "I suggest you sleep on the plan, Mortise. See if you can
find any faults with it in the morning, huh?"
Mortise nodded. "A good idea. Tomorrow we'll discuss it again."
Ranma grinned. "Right. I got two bikes ta finish. Anyone gonna join me?"
Akane glanced at Shampoo. "Shall we continue doing that training?"
"Why not."
Nabiki grinned. "I'm going to check out some stuff online. I'll see if I can
get more information about Joketsuzo."
"Er - how come there be internet stuff for to do with Joketsuzo?"
"Shampoo, you can find absolutely anything online. It's just a case of
finding where to look. Hell, I found plans for nuclear bombs one time!"
Ranma snorted. "Well don't try ta build one, huh? I don't wanna be nuked."
"You really think I'd be stupid enough?"
"Nope. I wuz pullin' yer leg."
Mortise stretched. "I'll see you folks later."
"Yeah, see ya man." Ranma sauntered out to the bikes he was building and
resumed work. Ranko knelt down beside her own bike and continued trying to
make it road legal.
Ranma grabbed a can of matte black engine paint. Ranko grinned at him.
"Only one colour for a bike, huh?"
"Yeah, th' Henry Ford philosophy o' motor paint. Any colour ya like as long
as it's black. Choice o' flat black or gloss black."
"And flat black wins every time."
"Yeah... Actually, I'm gonna give onea these a camo job."
"Say, have you got a spare taillight?"
Ranma nodded. "What shape're ya wantin'?"
"I don't care as long as it works."
He grinned and tossed her a round taillight. "It's a good 'un 'cos it runs,
huh?"
"Yup. And if the Slime don't chase you for it all the better." She patted
her bike affectionately. "Man I love this old girl!"
Ranma nodded. "I know how ya feel. When d'ya get her?"
"Oh, a couple of years ago. I bought her from a scrapyard for five hundred
yen - she kicked over first try despite the state she was in. And she's
never let me down once. She's a great little bike."
Ranma smiled. "Yeah. Them old WD Hogs are terrific machines. They sure don't
build 'em like they usta."
"Nah. It's like modern machines are built to break down."
"Yeah... but I can fix that!"

************************************

Later that evening over the dinner table Genma decided to spring some news
on Ranko.
"Ah, I have decided that you must attend school, Ranko."
Ranko snorted. "Oh yeah? You and who's army?"
"Sis, ya gotta have an education."
"You mean you're on his side?"
"Yeah. Don't worry, nobody fucks with me at school. An' Teach is a great
teacher. He's really cool even if he is a fat bastard."
Ranko made a face. "Oh wow. That is all I need."
"Hey, chill out!"
"I hate school."
"Why's that?"
Ranko shook her head. "I just hate it, okay?" She shot Genma a nasty look.
"Yeah, but there's gotta be more reason than that."
"Oh, forget about it, willya!"
Ranma rolled his eyes. "No need ta bite me head off!"
"One thing's certain - NOBODY'S getting me in a school uniform!"
"You an' all th' rest o' us, sis."
"Huh?"
"You really think I'm gonna wear some gormless uniform? What'd I look like
ridin' ta school like that?"
Genma nodded. "Good. That's solved then. I have everything organised."
"You fat dickwad!"

************************************

Genma sighed and sat down to finish his letter. The youngsters had all gone
to bed. Only he and Soun were still up.
Or so he thought.
"Well, an unexpected development indeed, eh Tendo?"
"I'll say. Kou Loun, huh? How did that boy manage to scare her off?"
"You heard what he told Ranma."
"At least he held back on telling the kids all the details."
"Yes, we must be grateful for small mercies."
"I think it's getting towards time to explain to them."
"Akira said to leave it to him, remember?"
Soun nodded. "Yes, but I don't have to like it."
"Okay, okay. I'll ask him to come over."
"You sure that's a good idea?"
"I think that not asking would be a very bad idea, Tendo. The kids are
getting suspicious. And young Nabiki has smelt a very big rat."
"You think she's figured it out?"
"I don't know, but if she hasn't she's getting very close."
>From the stairwell Nabiki blinked a few times. How the hell had Genma worked
that out?

th-th-th-that's all, folks!

Chapter 13: Drinking blood is not a crime.
"More human than human" - White Zombie.

"It was... eerie. I'd never seen anyone's eyes glow like that before. Sure,
you could fake it with a batch of ki, but I didn't know that at the time." -
Ranko Saotome.

************************************

Ranko glowered at Ranma's back as the two bikes pulled up in front of the
school. Ranma and the girls swung off of his machine as she kicked her
bike's sidestand down.
Kuno was waiting and watching with visible disgust.
"Is two such ladies not enough, Saotome?"
"What th' fuck're ya talkin' about, Kuno? That's my twin sister ya prick!"
Kuno facefaulted. Ranko gritted her teeth and cocked her pump - action leg.
"Any smart remarks and I'll blow your head off, whoever the fuck you are!"
"Sis, that's Kuno."
"What, the guy who usta try to work Akane over, right?"
"We dealt with that. Come on - you gotta talk with Teach."
Kuno watched the four of them go inside. Then he turned to Nabiki, who had
just arrived.
"How come you did not tell me Saotome had another sister?"
"I didn't know until this weekend. Hell, neither did Ranma."
"Perhaps you could tell me the whole story?"
Nabiki nodded. "For a small fee..."

************************************

"Let me get this straight. This Ranko ran from home because her mother, a
truck driver, wished to make her into a proper Japanese lady?"
Nabiki nodded. "Yeah. She's a definite tomboy."
"Hmm - exactly what I would expect of a Saotome. Her motorcycle - did Ranma
give her it?"
"No, she arrived on it. Ranma's helping her get parts to sort it out. It was
a complete wreck. Frame, wheels, engine, seat and headlamp. The rest had
fallen off. It didn't even have a battery but it was still running."
Kuno nodded thoughtfully. "Those old H-D's are well made bikes."
Nabiki snorted. "I really wouldn't know."
"Ah, but I would. My cousin rides a similar machine."
Nabiki nodded and turned her attention away from him, back to her
schoolwork.

************************************

Kuno ambled out into the schoolyard. It was lunchbreak, and he owed someone
an apology. Two someones, in fact.
He didn't like the idea of apologising to Ranma, but he had to. After all,
he had unfairly insulted both Ranma and his sister.
He looked around and rapidly spotted the small group. Ranma, Akane, Shampoo,
Ranko and Nabiki. Now that was a surprise - Nabiki sitting and having a
friendly chat. The second Tendo girl making nice with anyone was a bit
weird.
Ranma's alert eyes snapped up at his approach.
"Waddya want, Kuno?"
"Pax, Saotome, pax. I merely wish to offer yourself and your sister my
apology for my mistaken conclusion I jumped to this morning."
Ranma considered his serious expression. Kuno's emotions were so easy to
read it was pathetic.
"Hey, accepted already, man."
Ranko snorted. "Next time you see something think before opening your face."
"Hey Ranko - no need ta eat th' guy. He apologised, huh?"
Ranko snorted. "Yeah yeah. Like I'm going to forget a crack like he made so
easy. Not in this lifetime!"
Kuno sighed. "Then what must I do to make amends?"
He wandered off without waiting for an answer. Ranko glared after him.
"Hey, sis - chill, huh?"
"Reminds me of someone I knew in my last school - stupid fuckhead."

************************************

Ranma swung off of his bike. Another schoolday done.
He walked over to the two almost finished machines - the project bikes.
After examining them for a moment he pulled the spray cans of black paint
out of his pack. Five more minutes and it'd be over bar letting the paint
dry. Getting them registered would be easy enough - Nabiki was working on it
at that very moment. Graffiti would be easy enough, anarchy logo here eight
pointed star of Chaos there kind of stuff. He still had to think of
something special for the fuel tanks.
His father walked over carrying a back wheel.
"What's the story, Dad?"
"Ah, Ranma - could ya sort this into a front wheel?"
"Sure, give us ten minutes. I've got to get these things painted."
Genma nodded and dumped the wheel. "Sure thing, son."
Ranma turned back to the bike and started spraying black paint over
everything. The two bikes ended up very black indeed.
"Rockin'."
The first one was covered in studs. He had masked these so they would stay
chrome. It had a handlebar fairing that looked like a leftover prop from
Aliens and a high sissy bar poking up behind the seat that was formed into
the rear mudguard. This bike was for Akane. The second bike had two
headlamps, one above the other and surrounded by a large fairing that
resembled an old aircraft's nosecone. It's seat was a bucket type affair
that had been taken from a smashed up race car and it's mudguards were made
from polished steel and looked remarkably like sword blades. Two
reproduction machine gun barrels poked from each side of it's fuel tank
which had two aircraft fillers set into the top. This bike was for Shampoo.
He had a can of khaki paint and another of drab brown. This machine would
end up painted in a camouflage pattern to match her battledress.
Ranma smiled. The two bikes were perfect, each matching the personality and
dress sense of their future owners.
He finished the matte black paint and ripped the masking tape off of the
studs and lamps then grabbed the rear wheel his father had left behind. Time
to do some work.

************************************

Ranko fished her cigarette tin out of her pocket. She was gasping for a
smoke.
Having rolled up she offered the tin to Mortise. He shook his head and
produced a twenty deck of Benson & Hedges from his pocket.
She nodded. He fished a Zippo from his pocket and she pulled a Clipper from
her back pocket. They lit up and smoked for a few minutes in companionable
silence.
"Er - you doing anything Friday night?"
Ranko shook her head. "Nah. I ain't got nothing to do."
"Er - I know this really good nightclub. Fancy going along?"
Ranko frowned. "What sorta club?"
"Heavy metal club. It's where half the metalheads in Tokyo hang out."
"Wicked, man! Sure, let's have a rocking time Friday!"
Mortise smiled widely. "Awesome. Er - thanks, huh?"
"It sounds fun, man."
They lapsed into silence. Both didn't really know what to say.
"Um - I hear you've been having some trouble finding parts for your Hog?"
Ranko nodded. "Yeah. There ain't many of the old WD hogs around these days."
"I know a guy who collects them. He's always got spares for the old Harleys.
He's got five fully stock '45 hogs himself."
"Reckon he'll have the parts I need?"
"Which bits exactly are you looking for?"
"Gearbox parts mainly. I could do with a new generator - I've been using a
Mini part. It does the job - just." Ranko started idly walking round in
circles in the road
Mortise nodded. "Right. I'll see if I can - HOLY SHIT! WATCH OUT!"
Ranko spun round, momentarily forgetting about her prosthetic leg. Her fake
ankle naturally refused to follow the spin.
Mortise took the only option available to him as she fell sideways into the
path of an out of control dustcart. His sunglasses fell away as he jumped.
He caught her wrist and concentrated. His enormously powerful will stepped
between himself and gravity. There was a jolt as he took up Ranko's weight.
He launched, yanking her clear of the truck. The two of them landed, she in
his arms.
"Shit, are you okay?"
"Yeah - thanks to- what the fuck?"
Ranko stared into his eyes. Blood red eyes.
"Mortise - what's with the eyes? How come you can fly?"
Mortise sighed. "I suppose you want me to go away, huh?"
"No I fucking don't! I want you to tell me what's going on, okay?"
Mortise sighed again. "Ranko, I'm already dead. You are too special to hide
the truth from... I'm sorry."
She stared at him. "You mean..?"
"I am a vampire. Dying of sunlight is as much a myth as werewolves dying of
silver. I'm sorry... but how the hell would I tell you that? You ever seen
me breathing when I'm not smoking?"
"You're serious."
"Yeah... I'm sorry."
Ranko slowly shook her head. "Fuck."
"I guess Friday's off?"
Ranko glared at him. "Chickening out just because you don't breath?
Bullshit!"
"W - what?"
"I said it's still on. Unless you're too chicken shit to go out with a
girl?"
Mortise stared at her for several seconds. "You... you know yet you don't
give a shit? Is it true?"
"Yeah."

************************************

Ranma frowned. "So you say that guy is undead, right? What drugs you been
taking, sis?"
"No bullshit, no acid, Ranma. You ever seen Mortise breathe?"
"I thought he was kinda soft breathing..."
"You believe me, right?"
"Yeah. Look, I change sex every so often. I'm married to a bisexual goth and
an Amazon. My brother is now my sister through the same fuckin' curse as
I've got. My other sister has a pump - action fuckin' shotgun for a leg. My
father turns into a fuckin' panda. My mother is a truck driver. I've been
attacked by a guy who claims - backed up by his former best mate - to be a
fuckin' werewolf. Yeah, my life is ever so fuckin' normal, huh? So some
dude's a vampire. So what? Big deal. That's not weird whatso fucking ever."
Shampoo scratched her head. "Matriarch Kou Loun is tell I about Sluaach
before."
"Sluaach?"
"Is two words in old language, fasten together, no? Means Blood Corpse. Is
name for how you say... Vampire, no? The Sluaach claim them state is curse
from Christain's God. Matriarch claim is disease bioengineered in ancient
times. Who we believe? I not know."
"How the fuck do you pronounce it.. Cow Lone reckons that vampirism is a
bioengineered disease, huh? What are the symptoms - apart from being dead?"
"Death is first symptom. Second is blood rush to eyes. Third is long canine
teeth. Fourth is still going despite be dead. Fifth is inability to ingest
any but blood. Sluaach need for to drink maybe six or seven pints of blood a
day. Some drink animals. Some drink humans. I is told human taste better,
animals and Amerai be tasting like shit. Is what Ancestor Sung Wu tell I and
she be in state for to know. She Sluaach... I is mean vampire."
"Some of the Amazons are vampires?"
"Yes, there be four Amazons who not breathe. They be undeaded in ancient
times. Be not quite living link with past. Is much value to Amazons."
"Right... so we have that to deal with too. I wonder how come Mortise ain't
scared of these undead Amazons?"
"They hermits, no? Live in far reaches of Amazon land, see? Amazons deliver
blood to they. In return they remember for young Amazons. Tell we history of
Amazon Nation. They see with own eyes."
"Hey - how old is Cow Lone?"
"I not know. She at least three hundred."
"Er - how the fuck? Is she a vampire?"
"No, no. Is something like force of ki. She retard death with big amount of
ki."
"I've heard such things were possible."
"Is so? Where you hear?"
"Some old scroll Dad dug outta somewhere. Dunno really. Aw, fuckit. I got a
wheel ta modify an' some paint ta spray."
Akane sighed. She had remained silent throughout the entire conversation.
"I think we should tell Nabiki."
"Yeah, you an' Ranko go tell her, huh? She should be able ta figure what ta
do."
Ranma got out a cigarette and headed outside. He settled down by the two
newly built bikes and started ripping masking tape off of the one he had
built for Akane. Having finished that he started spraying a camouflage
pattern onto the bike for Shampoo. To do this he used a stencil made from an
old magazine cover. He examined Akane's bike, scrawled an anarchy logo
across the seat then signed the front mudguard, 'Ranma Saotome 1998'
He sat back on his heels and grinned at the finished machine. It was
absolutely perfect.
He then grabbed the wheel for Soun's bike and started changing the mounting
points to accept a pair of brake disks. Front brakes from a CBR1100, his
father had said. No worries.

************************************

Akane leant back against the wall by Nabiki's door.
"Nabiki, there's some stuff we need to tell you. I dunno if you're going to
believe us about this, but Ranko say's it's true and Shampoo backed her up."
"Like what? Do tell."
"Mortise is a vampire."
"You what? Oh great, just fucking great. As if we didn't have a bad enough
mess on our hands at any rate."
Ranko sighed. "Weird curses, Chinese Amazons, werewolves, dried up old
mummies, vampires - what next? As if things weren't complex enough."
"It's no joking matter, Ranko. This business is bloody dangerous."
"I guessed that much."
Akane frowned. "Er - Nabiki, how come you know about this crap?"
"A little bird told me. Internet, dear sister. You'd be amazed what's on
there."
"Well, just remember that Mortise seems to be on our side, huh?"
"I know, Ranko. I know. I'm just glad he's not a bad guy. Vampires are not
safe people to piss off. Well, actually they're bloody dangerous."
"I guessed that much."

************************************

By the time the green paint had dried on Shampoo's bike Ranma had the wheel
finished. He grabbed the brown and the second stencil. Time to finish this.
Having finished the camouflage job he grabbed the goat skull he had for
Akane's handlebar fairing and attached it with cable ties then started
scrawling graffiti across the fuel tank. By the time the brown had dried he
was ready to sign Shampoo's bike. He added the trademark anarchy logo on the
seat then his signature, this time on the fuel tank. After that he paused,
frowned and added seventeen little pictures of bullets to the back of the
seat, each outlined in white paint. One for each slug Shampoo had nailed
Ratvespa with.
He slotted the two bikes keys into their ignition switches and booted their
kickstarts, one after the other. Their exhausts were nicely tuned, emitting
a satisfying deep 'grntgrntgrnt' sound and a slight hiss from the turbos.
He grinned and walked inside. Pausing to grab himself a sandwich he walked
upstairs. "Akane? Shampoo?"
The two girls stuck their heads out of Nabiki's bedroom. "Yeah?"
"Come outside. There's something I want ya ta have a look at."
They shot each other a puzzled look and followed him outside, Ranko and
Nabiki hard behind them. They found Ranma standing between the two ticking
over bikes.
"Waddya think o' these? I just finished 'em." He grabbed the bikes throttles
and gunned their engines.
Akane shot him a confused look. "Er - why do you ask?"
"Because I built these things fer ya two, ya dummy! Ya need wheels, right?
It's all very well ya two ridin' around on th' back o' my bike but it's not
gonna work out forever, huh? An' th' pigs are gonna chase us fer ridin'
three up sooner or later. Which ain't a problem but it is downright
annoyin'." He slapped the camouflaged bike's fuel tank. "Shampoo, this is
yours." He slapped the studded bike's seat. "An' Akane, this is yours. Like
'em? I spent ages figurin' out what sorta machines'd suit ya two. They're
CB250's with turboed CB500 motors. Nabiki's gotten them registered - it's
sure useful havin' an ace lawyer fer a sister in law - an' they're fully
road legal. That's why I put indicators on 'em - my machine's actually
illegal that way."
Shampoo walked over to the camouflaged bike. She stared at it for a few
seconds then sat down in the saddle. She glanced down, remembered how Ranma
took his bike off it's sidestand, rocked the bike sideways and hooked the
stand up with her foot.
She grinned and revved the engine. The bike grunted in response.
"This be much cool!" She blipped the engine again. "Is sound good!"
Akane giggled and climbed onto the other bike. She lifted it from it's side
stand with practised ease - her periodic excursions on her fathers bike had
left her with not inconsiderable ability to ride and a full motorbike
license to boot. She killed the motor, paused for several seconds then
kickstarted it. The 500cc 4-stroke engine roared into life smoothly and
easily, courtesy of the considerable quantity of WD40 penetrating oil Ranma
had lubricated the kickstart mechanism with.
It felt far badder than her fathers rusty blue 250. That was an OK bike but
not really much of anything. This was a stud encrusted 500cc ratbike with a
turbo and a serious bad attitude. Despite being based on the same model of
bike as her fathers ride it felt, looked and sounded badass enough to chew
you up and spit out the pips. As did the camouflaged bike Shampoo was
sitting on - it looked like the product of some insane army engineer from
hell. Neither had a patch on Ranma's supercharged nitrous oxide assisted
headlamp infested unsilenced stripped down wide wheeled spiked tyred
skeletal mad man mobile, but they were far above the likes of Kuno's ride in
sheer level of mean.
She summed it up. "This has got to be the meanest piece of machinery I've
ever sat in the hot seat of... but then I've only ever ridden a CG125 and
Dad's CB250."
Ranma grinned lopsidedly (as was his habit.) "So far. Why dontcha take 'em
fer a test ride? I gotten yer lids ta match 'em." He grabbed his pack from
where it was hanging on the pipework that made up his bike's seat frame and
fished out two crash helmets. One was a curious mix of bike helmet and a jet
fighter pilot's lid while the other was a normal full face skidlid with no
visor that had horns. And a set of what looked like flying goggles over it.
"Here. Skidlids ta match th' bikes. That air force style 'un cost a bomb."
He handed them to the girls, put on his own lid and swung onto his bike. He
shoved in the keys and fired the engine as the girls put their helmets on.
"Let's Rock!"

************************************

Akira Saotome finished reading the letter.
"Well, well, well. Sumiko - I will be going to the Saotome-Tendo dojo
tomorrow. I'm leaving you in charge here. Takashi, you will be coming with
me, but I don't want anybody in the dojo to see you. Understood?"
The two nodded. "Yes, Lord Saotome."
"Then let's get packing. Sumiko, tell the servants. I may be gone some
time."
John Kirth snorted from his desk in the corner. "Lord, your destiny
approaches. Take care, for you will be sorely missed if you leave us."
"John, there is no need to err on the side of caution."
"And you are needed, Lord. Yet I sense your time approaches."
"Then I shall meet it as any true warrior should - with weapons drawn and a
battle cry on my lips! There is no sense in hiding from destiny, John."
"I will accompany you, Lord. You may need me."
Akira didn't argue with that. There was no point questioning the truth.

That's it for now.

NOTES
Okay, that's the second block of chapters up. Stand by to receive block 3,
gentlemen. Please don't repel it, it's not a boarder.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS
Ratbike - A motorbike made to look as fucked up and unroadworthy as possible
while still being street legal. Normally painted flat black.
Honda CG125 - Small single - cylinder 4-stroke road bike. Not very much of
anything but supremely reliable and dirt cheap. It's reliability stems from
having very little to go wrong and a low - revving 4-stroke engine.
Honda Fireblade - Insane Honda sportsbike. Mad but beginning to show it's
age.
Supercharger - A pump driven off the crank that forces more air into the
engine thus forcing it to run faster.
Nitrous oxide - Laughing gas. A petrol - nitrous mix burns faster than a
petrol - air mix therefore produces more horsepower and more wear in the
engine.
Top yoke - The yokes are two pieces of metal that hold the front forks
together and to the bike. The top yoke is the upper one. Known as triple
clamps in the US.
Gixer - Slang for a Suzuki GSXR (one of the craziest bikes built).
Chain lube - Motorbike chain lubrication oil.
Header tank - Tank that contains the spare water for the radiator on a
sealed cooling system as found in most cars.
Gasflowing - trimming off excess metal from inside the cylinder heads to aid
the burn rate of fuel within the engine. Gives a small horsepower boost.
Final drive - the drive chain that goes from the gearbox to the back wheel
and the cogs (final drive sprockets) that it runs on.
Conrod - The bit of metal that connects the piston to the crankshaft.
Alternator - Higher tech version of a generator.
Kill switch - The engine's 'off' switch. Turns off power to the ignition.
Lid / skidlid - Slang for a crash helmet.
250 Superdream - CB250. The next up the Honda model range from the CG125 and
just a bigger version of the same.
500 Superdream - CB500. A CB250 with a bigger bore and heavier frame.
Engine clicking - An internal combustion engine heats up when run. Run it
hard and it heats up more, then when you switch off the engine will start
emitting a series of sharp clicks as the metal cools and contracts.
Stocker - unmodified factory - built vehicle.
Binned - crashed. Normally means written off.
Steering damper - a long, thin shock absorber that fits between the forks
and the frame. Helps steady the steering.