[Ranma][FanFic] Biker 1/2 book 02 chapter 01
Doghead Thirteen
You'll see the author's rant, which I've left intact, regarding his
trouble posting. This was due to MS Outlook Express for the Mac, which
uses a very broken implementation of the ISO8859-1 character set, which
the RAAC software did not until recently deal with very well. I despise
having to make my software do things which are technically incorrect,
just to fix up MSFT's mistakes, but what can you do? I have pushed the
posts through enough filtering that they should now be correct. Enjoy.]
LEGALISTIC SHIT and RANT
None of it's my fault. It never is.
Okay, now I am pissed off.
So I'm sitting here, I've finally persuaded my worst ever dose of
writer's block to get the hell out of my face, I've got four chapters
ready to post, I breath a heartfelt sigh of releif and send 'em off.
Bingo, you have one happy Calum. It doesn't take much to please me - a
glass of beer, a cigarette, my favourite armchair, some heavy rock and
an outlet for my 'creative' urges. Not like I ask for much, huh? But oh
no, apparently being able to post this bullshit I write without some
wackball computer program rejecting them is too much to ask. You see,
after I've sent them off I wait a few minutes and check my mail, just to
make sure they got through okay. So, what do I find?
That RAAC server moderation bot thingy sent 'em back with a 'sorry but
your lines are too long' message.
Okay. So I need to rewrap. Right, no problem, let's see how long it's
supposed to be, where did I put that web browser.
Okay, here's a snippet from the file that fucking program told me to
look at.
> Textual works must be submitted in plain ASCII format, with lines wrapped
> somewhere between column 60 and 79; 72 is recommended.
I mean, WHAT THE FUCK? Like, PARDON? I had the damn thing wrapped at 76
columns, which is within this 79 column limit - I may be dyslexic but
I'm not THAT dyslexic! I know how to change Oudated Express preferences,
turd-head! Were you emailing there, Mr. Robot? Because I sure didn't
make any sense of that spew that just came onto my monitor. Get this one
straight, toasterboy. I sent those fucking chapters in the exact same
crummy peice of shit column wrapping I used for the last 29 fucking
slabs of this crock of shit fanfic and suddenly it's not good enough for
you? SO WHO IN THE NAME OF FUCK MADE YOU GOD? Is it really about how
long my paragraphs are or is it all a penis envy thing since even a vole
has a bigger dick than a lump of thick fuck software like you? Give me
any of that bullshit again and I'll come over and shove a couple of Size
11 steel toecap boots upside your motherboard, you get my drift? Are you
receiving me, boltface? Do I have a ten-four on this? Well? Own up,
crapcake. Or someone's going to reject *you* in a very terminal manner.
Well, now I've got that off my chest, Biker 1/2 is back at long last.
After trying to come up with a logical way to send my plan into action
for six fucking months I finally ran out of patience today. Screw the
plotline I'd come up with for the first half of book 2, it refused to
work no matter how much I hit it. Screw plans, I'm going to salvage what
shreds I can and fill in the gaps with what you've all come to expect -
random madness.
Thus, without more ado, it's on with the show. Let's Rock.
Words in "{this}" kind of brackets are spoken in Cantonese. Those in
"[this]" are in wolf-speak.
Biker 1/2 Cycle 1 - Birth of a Modern Legend, book 2: Severed.
Chapter 1: Recovery.
"Lord please take away my fears / Before I drown in sorrow / one last
thing that I'll say / how will I laugh tomorrow / when I can't even
smile today?"
- Suicidal Tendencies, 'How will I laugh tomorrow.'
"It was like trying to wake up from a nightmare... then realising I
wasn't asleep, it was real and I would never escape from it." - Nabiki
Tendo.
***********************************
What now acted as a typical morning in the Saotome-Tendo household was a
lot different to two weeks before.
Two weeks before the day would have began with Kasumi getting up and
starting to prepare breakfast. Next Mortise and Ranko would arrive back
from a night in vampiric society. Within a few minutes of the two undead
lovers arriving home Ranma, Akane and Shampoo would be up. The three of
them would rouse Ryoga and Mao Xing then the whole gang would go off for
an early morning blat, a routine Nabiki had just started joining in
with. By the time they arrived home the rest of the family (Soun and
Genma with the possible addition of Nodoka) would be up and about. On
arriving home all the martial artists in the family would go outside for
their pre-breakfast practise session - Soun and Genma would spar,
Shampoo would continue training Akane, Ranma and Ryoga would intersperse
sparring with lending the others their expert advice and Mortise would
continue teaching Ranko vampiring. When she was there Nodoka and Shampoo
often sparred; of late Nabiki had been joining Shampoo and Akane's
training session. This would have them well ready for breakfast by the
time Kasumi had it prepared.
Not this last two weeks. Kasumi's cooking was about the only thing that
hadn't changed - the only member of the family who did any practising
these days was Nabiki who was in the Amazon beginners class getting
trained by kids half her age and being very careful not to shapeshift.
Mao spent most of his time by his comatose sister's side, Nodoka was
still hospitalised and Akane just sat in the living room beside the huge
scuffed black GSXR-1100 they had fished out of the ruined end of the SCC
workshop. Ranma's ratbike was one damn tough piece of engineering - it
had been knocked over by a tank then had a quarter of a ton of building
dropped on it from a height of twelve feet and only suffered a few more
dents and scrapes in the paintwork.
There was one miracle in it all; fifteen hours after the battle, an
Amazon who had been trying to identify some of the dead saw a faint but
perceptible rise and fall in Genma Saotome's chest. Amazon healers were
rushed in and they declared the tough old werebear still very much
alive.
As Genma had once claimed, it took a lot to keep that particular bear
down.
Like Shampoo, he was still unconcious; his hyperimmune system was still
trying to repair the massive injuries he had suffered. It seemed Ranma
had unwittingly saved Genma's life when he pulled the chunk of
splintered pavement out of his supposedly dead father's chest.
Nabiki sat and stared at the sunrise. She was in full Ice Queen mode,
bottling up her emotions. She fished out a cigarette and watched the
Amazon children playing before morning class. None of the Amazon kids
younger than ten went to school. By the time they were that age they
were better fighters than most martial artists would ever be.
One little girl had taken quite a shine to Nabiki. The kid's father had
died in an accident some years back and her mother had died in the
battle two short weeks ago. She was scared and alone; pretty much how
Nabiki felt.
The kid - named Su Li - walked quietly over to Nabiki and sat down
beside the teenage girl.
"Nabiki?"
"Hmm?"
"Nabiki, will you be my mummy?"
To say Nabiki Tendo was astounded by the request would be an
understatement.
"Fgm-ngrk-mmnrph-"
She stopped spluttering when she saw the at once earnest, eager and
worried look on the little girl's face. Nabiki stood up and offered Su a
hand.
"Well, Su-chan. Let's go talk to Elder Mi Soon, huh?"
"Okay!"
They walked together across the street to Mi Soon's house. Nabiki
couldn't believe the speed the Amazons had rebuilt the rubble-strewn
patch of real estate Colonel Honda had had given to them - houses,
firing ranges, training halls, everything an Amazon village could wish
for had been built where ordinary Japanese houses had once stood. Oh,
and a hanger with attendant helipad for Nabiki's pet helicopter.
The old-yet-young Amazon was sitting on the bench in front of her house
and smoking her pipe when Nabiki arrived.
"Hello, Nabiki. What brings you here?"
"Good morning, Honoured Elder. Um... I don't know quite how to put this,
but..."
Mi Soon shot her a knowing smile. "I overheard young Su Li asking you to
adopt her. We will need to discuss this with the Council of Elders...
but I for one don't see any problems if you're willing. The child has no
surviving relatives closer than her cousins, she certainly needs someone
to care for her."
Nabiki nodded. "I'll do it."
Mi Soon grinned. "Good for you. Your willingness to undertake such a
responsibility at such a young age underlines why I have such a high
opinion of you."
That brought a rare smile to the middle Tendo girl's face. Little Su let
out a squeal of joy and jumped up to hug Nabiki.
***********************************
Mi Soon watched Nabiki cross back to the Saotome-Tendo house with Su in
her arms. She chuckled quietly to herself - an active, adventurous child
like Su Li should help bring Nabiki out of her fugue of self-pity.
Now, how to help Akane... She finished her pipe and headed inside,
destination her collection of books and scrolls.
"Damnit, if only I had Kou Loun's books... There must be something can
be done about Akane's eyes. There MUST be!"
***********************************
Akane Saotome stared sightlessly across the living room. Her hand was
resting on the saddle of Ranma's bike.
It was all she had left of him.
That and the as yet tiny life that was sheltered within her womb. She
fumbled with the stereo for a bit then found the CD player play button.
That hand grenade had delivered an incredibly cruel blow; it had blinded
her in both eyes. Dr. Tofu hadn't pulled any punches; he told her
straight out that she would never see again.
The only light in Akane's suddenly dark world was what Mi Soon had told
her the evening before. Firstly Shampoo. Despite having been driven
over, first by an Amerai spider tank then a JGSDF main battle tank,
despite being badly shot up the werewolf girl would live. She and Genma
were both far from healed; according to Po Da it was probably a mercy
since both having your legs squashed paper thin or breathing through a
hole in your chest happen to be extremely painful experiences. Then
there was the fact Mi Soon thought she recognised the spell that the
Conservative Amazon magus had cast on the melee containing Ranma, and if
she was right there was no way in hell he was dead, because the only
spell Mi Soon knew of that smelt like that was a dimensional teleport.
Mi Soon was sure the Conservatives had mixed a few other spells into the
attack, but Akane had grasped onto that suspicion like a drowning girl
clutching at a lifebouy.
Ranma would be back.
And then everything would be okay.
***********************************
Three hundred miles away from the battered Neriman suburb another
teenager, marginally taller and with that air of tough independence you
only find in self-employed working class people, was just climbing into
his scruffy ex-army Land Rover SWB 110. The 4x4 in question was a Series
1; the original model of Land Rover, tougher than old boots and fitted
together like Meccano.
This one looked as battered as something that had survived both Battles
of Nerima. It had uncracked windows and a set of decent tyres, but that
was about the only visible parts that weren't bent, dented, scuffed or
otherwise damaged. From the way mud was smeared up the sides of it's
ramshackle bodywork it was obvious this particular Land Rover had been
rolled at least once, and if it was once it had to have rolled right
over and back onto it's wheels since those telltale mud smears were on
both sides and it's roof.
The youth glared at his sister who had just climbed into the passenger
seat. "Shove off, Yukiko. I'm going to do this alone like Dad said." He
jerked his thumb at the open motorbike magazine that was lying on the
dashboard.
"Fuck Dad, he doesn't know who we're about to mess with. I've got Guild
training. Like, sure, I don't agree with all of their opinions, but the
fact remains you're going to start a fight with one of the toughest
werebears in Japan and his son, who's probably just as mean. You need my
help and you know it, Ukyo."
Ukyo sighed. "I don't want you getting hurt, jackass."
"You may be better at our family style but I am a demon hunter with
combat experience. You want me to stay back, you're going to have to
make me."
"Yukiko you twat!"
"Stop being a moron, start driving. Oh, and pocket these Glock 17's.
They've got multiammo, you'll need them."
"Multiammo?"
Yukiko groaned. "Ukyo you twat! Don't you ever listen to anything I tell
you? It's a Kirth Arms design, hollow copper slugs filled with a mix of
silver and graphite balls in a holy water-aconite mix. Ideal for dealing
with hostile vampires, Amerai, Loup-Garou and Dopplegangers, which
pretty much covers the spectrum of common or garden supernaturals. Of
course, if you're dealing with true demons you'd need a firetruck loaded
with holy water, the smidge that's in those bullets hardly more than
gives *them* a nasty bruise. But the Amerai keep Tokyo pretty clear of
demons, they've got a better chance against them than us humans. Any
rate, what's the plan?"
"First we need to scout out the area. Find out exactly where those
arseholes are staying. Then challenge them individually, and kill them."
"Well, sharpen your battle spat, you'll need to behead them. Only easy
way to kill an Amerai. How about I wolfsbane 'em a few hours before the
fight? That way they can't shapeshift and shred you."
"Yeah... this is gonna be so easy."
"No. It's not. Those two may be scum, but don't underestimate them.
Amerai, especially experienced werecritters like Genma Saotome, are
bloody dangerous even if you do manage to wolfsbane 'em. And with Clan
Saotome's war against their offshoot Joketsuzo - well, if you have to
kill a shapeshifter every time you get in a fight you end up EXTREMELY
good. If you don't play your cards right they'll chew you up and spit
out the pips."
***********************************
Nabiki was showing Su how to use a computer when Mi Soon and two other
Amazon elders found them.
"Ah, there you are. It's time for the council to discuss your offer to
adopt the child Su Li."
Su bowed to the varied Elders. Nabiki followed suit.
They followed the trio of old-yet-young women to the new council
chamber.
***********************************
Mi Soon stepped up onto the speaker's stool. It was about six inches
high and would be tossed round to whoever had the next turn speaking.
"Well now, I suspect we all know why we are assembled here."
Varied bored comments answered that.
"Good. Nabiki Tendo may have little in the way of unarmed combat skill,
but I for one believe an intelligent and brave warrior like her would
make an excellent adoptive mother for the child Su Li. Her skill with
helicopter gunships is clearly evident and she has also proved her
ability to ferret out valuable information from extremely powerful
sources. And the respect in which Lord Packmaster Ranma Saotome holds
her is another indicator of her suitability." She paused. "Does anyone
have anything they would like to add to that?"
Another elder - Po Da - nodded sharply. Mi Soon tossed her the stool.
"Ah, thankyou. I agree with Mi Soon. The child has clearly become quite
fond of Warrior Nabiki and Warrior Nabiki of she. I believe refusing to
permit Warrior Nabiki to adopt the child Su Li - only surviving
descendant of the most forward-thinking Warrior our people have seen in
some six centuries, with the noticeably exception of Honoured Elder Mi
Soon - would not only be unnecessarily cruel, it would go against what
Warrior Shi Lan would have wished for her daughter." She stepped off the
stool and held it up, offering it to her fellow Elders. One of them
nodded sharply, indicating she wished to speak.
She leapt up to catch the stool, landing neatly on it.
"Thankyou. While both the previous speakers have raised valid points, I
would be concerned about the battle skills of the child Su Li were she
raised by someone who has so little martial skill. Warrior Nabiki, what
do you say to that?"
The woman tossed the stool to Nabiki in an easy skimming throw. Nabiki
caught it neatly and stepped onto it.
"Um - thankyou. I can hopefully allay your concerns, Honoured Elder.
While I may not be able to hold my own in a martial arts duel, Honoured
Elder Mi Soon will attest to my marksmanship and I am sure all of you
witnessed my ability to use the incredibly hard to control weapon system
known as a Hind D. Honoured Elders, the battlefield has changed greatly
in the last two or three centuries. While some of you may believe - and
I mean no insult - that helicopter gunships, assault rifles and main
battle tanks are a newfangled fad,"- That raised an appreciative chuckle
-"It is my humble opinion that skill with high-tech weaponry is as
important to the Amazon way of life as skill with sword and fist. As I
guess you know I'm doing my level best to regain the martial arts skills
I abandoned after my mother died, but my place in battle is with a
flying tank strapped to my back. War is increasingly becoming a place
for intelligent, highly educated personnel with a wide range of
technical expertise. As weaponry becomes more advanced and more deadly
at greater range it also becomes increasingly complex, and I believe
that skill with high tech equipment is just as important as skill in
melee combat. As someone who possesses that skill - well, I believe that
there is much of great value that I can teach the future Warrior Su Li
and her Amazon sisters."
She stepped off the stool. smiling with obvious satisfaction at the
murmurs of consent. There was a thoughtful silence then another Elder
nodded. Nabiki tossed the stool to her.
"Ah, thankyou. Honoured Elder Lao, I for one believe Warrior Nabiki is a
greatly skilled and valuable member of the Amazon community. Half of my
sept would be dead if it wasn't for Warrior Nabiki's timely intervention
with her chopper, and as the only other person in this room ever to
pilot a rotary winged aircraft I can attest to the degree of skill a
helicopter takes to fly. You may remember the Hind we had for a few
months back in the Motherland? How many of our finest Warriors were able
to pilot that machine? None would even dare attempt it. Warrior Nabiki
not only dares, she excels. Do we look down on our Magi for their low
level of conventional battle skills? No, for to do so would be the mark
of a fool. Do we look down on Master Sniper Lin-Lin? No, for her hands a
heavy rifle can reach out and strike down our enemies finest warriors
from over a mile away, before they have even caught sight of our
Warriors. In the same vein we must NEVER underrate the expertise and
lethality of a combat helicopter pilot."
Mi Soon nodded as the other Elder stepped down.
"Thankyou... Honoured Elders, Blooded Warrior. As highest ranking Elder
present I hereby confirm Warrior Nabiki Tendo as the first Amazon Master
of the art of attack helicopter combat. She joins a small cabal of our
Warriors sisters who have chosen a modern Art to excel in; Master Sniper
Lin-Lin, Master Gunner Sao Wang, Master Gunner Lan-Lan and the sadly
deceased Master Sniper Shi Lan. Now, does any other have any objections
to Master Pilot Nabiki Tendo's adoption of the child Su Li? Speak now or
forever hold your peace."
She stepped off the stool. Nobody nodded.
Mi Soon waited for a few moments the stepped back onto the stool.
"Excellent. Congratulations, Master Pilot. It's a Warrior. You are
henceforth responsible for the ascension of Su Li to expertise in
whatever Art you and she choose for her. I strongly suggest
marksmanship; her mother Master Sniper Shi Lan was probably the best
shot the Amazon Nation has ever seen and I believe she would be most
disappointed to see her only heir a poor shot."
The collected Elders bowed to Nabiki; Nabiki and Su Li bowed back.
Mi Soon smiled. "Very good. Master Pilot Nabiki, you have permission to
goabout your daily business. Honoured Elders, before we continue to
discussthe Fifth Reform, is there any other personal business that need
be broughtbefore the council?"
Po Da nodded. Mi Soon tossed her the stool.
"Thankyou. I would like to request an increase in the cash allocated
toupkeep of our vehicles; here in Japan we have ready access to
sparecomponents, yet our trucks are still in woeful condition..."
Nabiki left, Su Li keeping right beside her.
***********************************
Kasumi slid out of under her Corvette, swearing as she did so.
"Like, goddamn Consies! Like, shooting up my hot-rod! I'm gonna kinda
kicktheir butts if I see those like, dweebs again!"
Mu Tze peered at her. "Oh, it's you, Kasumi."
"Dude, you are really kinda, short sighted... Hey, I got a kewl idea,
man!Why don't you get contacts?"
Mu Tze pushed his glasses down and shot her a confused look through
them.
"What the hell are contacts?"
Kasumi stared at him for a second, removed one of her contact lenses
andshowed it to him. "Like, these, man. They're like, spectacles that
slide in under you like, eyelids, man." She giggled. "I'm just as like,
short sighted as you are, man. But these kinda correct it, man. Kiss the
like, blur goodbye!"
"That's incredible!"
"They're like, great, man. I've got these other ones that make my eyes
look like cat eyes, cool huh? I usta look like a real dweeb, man, back
when I wore glasses."
"Where do I go to get these contact lenses?"
"Can you cope with like, really really fast driving? Because if you can
come with me, man. There may still be loadsa bullet holes in the
bodywork but I've got my like, hot-rod running again."
Mu Tze nodded. "If it starts to freak me out I'll take my spectacles
off. That way I won't be able to see enough to get frightened."
Kasumi shot him a loony stoned grin. "Like, let's rock, man!" She dived
through the driver's window. Mu Tze followed suit through the
passenger's window.
Kasumi fired the engine and stuffed an Ultraviolence album intothe
stereo. 'Hardcore Motherfucker' started thundering out of the biggest
set of motorised speakers in Japan. She thumped the garage door remote
then did a rolling burnout and handbrake turn into the street and away.
***********************************
About half an hour later, Mu Tze looked round with the new prescription
of contact lenses in - the optician couldn't believe his eyes when he
saw just how short-sighted the Chinese boy was - and had his first
totally clear look at a woman, ie the madly grinning stoned face of
Kasumi 'Road Hazard' Tendo.
Her face was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen...
Once more unto the next chapter, my fine friends!
NOTES
Next - Just Add Kounji!
NB - Kasumi 'Road Hazard' Tendo is entitled to her own opinion of
eyeglasses, and the author does not share that opinion - I've met people
who look downright wrong without their specs.
Like, later dudes.
Calum 'Doghead' Wallace.
GLOSSARY OF TERMS
Alternator - Higher tech version of a generator.
Artic - The UK term for a semi truck. Short for 'articulated lorry'.
Binned - crashed. Normally means written off. Derived from 'bin' as in
'rubbish bin' (the British term for a trash can)
Chain lube - Motorbike chain lubrication oil. Comes in a spray can and
looks a bit like snot.
Conrod (connecting rod) - The bit of metal that connects the piston to
the crankshaft. Shaped approximately like a flat dumbbell.
Engine clicking - An internal combustion engine heats up when run. Run
it hard and it heats up more, then when you switch off the engine will
start emitting a series of sharp clicks as the metal cools and
contracts.
Final drive - the drive chain that goes from the gearbox to the back
wheel and the cogs (final drive sprockets) that it runs on. Not to be
confused with the primary drive - the chain/sprocket or belt/pulleys
between the engine and gearbox.
Gasflowing - trimming off excess metal from inside the cylinder heads to
aid the burn rate of fuel within the engine. Gives a small horsepower
boost.
Gixer - Slang for a Suzuki GSXR (one of the craziest bikes they make).
Header tank - Tank that contains the spare water for the radiator on a
sealed cooling system as found in most cars and some high performance
bikes.
Honda CG125 - Small single - cylinder 4-stroke road bike. Not very much
of anything but supremely reliable and dirt cheap. It's reliability
stems from having very little to go wrong and a low - revving 4-stroke
engine.
Honda 250 Superdream - CB250. The next up the Honda model range from the
CG125 and just a bigger version of the same.
Honda 500 Superdream - CB500. A CB250 with a bigger bore and heavier
frame.
Honda Fireblade - Insane Honda sportsbike. Mad but beginning to show
it's age.
Kill switch - The engine's 'off' switch. Turns off power to the
ignition.
Lid / skidlid - Slang for a crash helmet.
Nitrous oxide - Laughing gas. A petrol - nitrous mix burns faster than a
petrol - air mix therefore produces more horsepower and more wear in the
engine.
Ratbike - A motorbike made to look as fucked up and unroadworthy as
possible while still being street legal. Normally painted flat black.
Steering damper - a long, thin shock absorber that fits between the
forks and the frame. Helps steady the steering. A steering damper is
essential for disabled bikers who have lost the use of one arm as
without it there's no way you'd be able to steer at low speed or pull
away one armed.
Stocker - unmodified factory-built vehicle; I think this comes from the
term 'sales stock'.
Supercharger - A pump driven off the crank that forces more air into the
engine thus forcing it to run faster.
Toby - An Inverness Collegeism; slang meaning something along the lines
of widget, gizmo or thingy. Derived from angling parlarance (toby = a
small wooden fish used as a lure.) May be related to the epithet 'Toby
Tishbein' and can be said 'Tobyracho' for no apparent reason. (I'm not
making this up! Honest!)
Top yoke - The yokes are two pieces of metal that hold the front forks
together and to the bike. The top yoke is the upper one. Known as
triple clamps in the US.
JASDF - Japanese Air Self Defence Force. The Japanese air force.
JGSDF - Japanese Ground Self Defence Force. The ground forces arm of the
Japanese military.
JSDF - Japanese Self Defence Force. The collective Japanese armed
forces.
What likes - Slack Scottish grammar. Means something along the lines of
'please could you explain that' or 'what would you like to talk about'.
Only considerably less posh.
Wheelie bin - a square green plastic trashcan about the size of a normal
bin, with a flip top and two wheels.