[Ranma][Fanfic] Girl Days parts 12-13

[Rob]

Girl Days

A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction

by Robert Haynie

(And the crowd rejoiced at the disclaimer space.)

Part Eleven: Party!

####

There were aspects to Ranma Saotome's life that could be
considered unusual.

He turned into a girl with cold water, he had at least three
fiancees, he was regularly attacked by superpowered martial artists,
his father turned into a panda, he was the only known master of the
Neko-ken, and at the moment was wearing a dress. That he-- or rather
she-- had bought for herself.

Okay, damn near EVERY aspect to Ranma's life was unusual.

For example, Ranma and Akane were arguing.

This in itself wasn't unusual. The subject matter, however, was.

"Akane, I don't care how much better you're getting in the Art,
you won't look right in my leathers, and that's not just because they
won't fit you!"

"Well, if YOU can dress like a tough girl, I can too! So I'll
just get some of my own! Daddy, will you STOP that?"

Soun was-- predictably-- bawling his eyes out. "WAHHHHHHH! My
little girl wants to be her husband!"

"I do NOT! I just want to prove to Miss Macho here that I can be
as tough as she can!"

Ranma sighed. "Look, I just don't think it's your style.
You're, well, more feminine than I am by nature," she said, resisting
the urge to add, (Not by very damn much, though!) "You should wear,
if challenged, something more, well, you."

"Like what?" Akane growled.

"Well... actually... I kinda thought about that already. So, I
got you something..."

"You... you did?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, you're my student, and that means you're
going to be challenged eventually, and well, I don't want my student
looking bad, right? So I just got you something..."

"Ran-- I mean, Sensei, that's... an honor." She'd wanted to call
it sweet. Or nice. But at the moment, she realized that that might
not be the best thing to say.

"It's nothing. Well, not nothing, but... aw, it's in my room.
Come on, let's see how it looks on you."

The two went upstairs. Soun started to calm down-- a bit--
reducing the usual floodgates to a mere trickle.

Kasumi came in, carrying a tea set and cookies. She'd heard the
discussion and suspected that they might be needed.

And as Akane came down practically glowing-- she gasped. "Akane,
is... is that proper?"

"Sensei says it works on me," Akane retorted.

And it did. Akane was wearing a sort of severely modified
version of one of Ranma's Chinese outfits. A yellow cheongsam-like
tunic-- fitting just as closely but slit up both sides, and only
reaching to the knee-- without sleeves over a pair of black tights.
The red sash at the waist added just the right accent. Of course, a
normal cheongsam doesn't have a v-neck that exposed a, well,
distracting amount of cleavage. Add to that a pair of Ranma's
bracers and a yellow sash around her head and Akane was, quite
frankly, looking both more dangerous and more sexy than she'd ever
had.

Ranma followed, in her leathers. "Ready to test the uniform,
student? Well, maybe after a cup of tea first."

"Hai, Sensei! Do I really look good?"

"I can say you've never looked better, Akane. In... in more than
one way." Ranma had expected the outfit to be effective, but even
she hadn't expected it to be as effective as it was. Female she
might be at the moment, but it was a definite male eye that was
appraising the girl.

(Okay. NOW she's sexy...) she thought.

After tea and a short rest to allow Akane to get used to the
rather close fit of her new uniform, the two repaired to the dojo
proper to do some light sparring. Nothing like the heavy training
that Ranma had been giving Akane recently-- well, Akane thought of it
as heavy, although she knew well that Ranma was holding back-- but
more like airborne kata.

"Ack."

The two stopped to see Ryoga staring in a now familiar fashion.
Ryoga hadn't been at the fight that had introduced the ward to
Ranma's leathers, and since Akane had never worn her new uniform
until today, he certainly hadn't seen that either. Akane looked like
a somewhat modest Mai Shiranui from the Fatal Fury videos, and Ranma
looked like-- well, Ranma in skimpy and tight black leather.

The results were a nosebleed. For once, Ryoga didn't pass out,
although there's no telling what would have happened if they had been
sparring in bikinis.

"A--Akane. What are you doing in Chicago?"

"CHICAGO?!?" blurted Ranma. "This is NERIMA! How can you get
the idea you're in CHICAGO?"

"I'm not?" Ryoga said with some disappointment. "Darn. That's
where I was headed. They have the greatest hot dogs in Chicago."

"How would you get there, anyhow?" asked Akane.

"Walking."

"How can ANYONE walk to Chicago?" demanded Ranma, unbelieving.

"Well, I've done it before. It's just outside of Osaka, after
all... isn't it?"

"I do not believe you," said Ranma, shaking her head. Akane,
dumfounded, just gazed. And went to check the family atlas on the
off chance that there was a Chicago outside of Osaka.

Oddly enough, there was. The mystery would continue...

####

Somehow it didn't seem to be a shock that Kasumi knew how to make
a Chicago style hot dog, had the materials to do so, and was able to
whip a couple up for the half-starved Lost Boy in less than fifteen
minutes. It should have been, but it wasn't.

Ryoga ate slowly, looking at Akane. Mainly because he couldn't
bring himself to look at Ranma. Every time he thought he'd gotten
used to the training that the redhead had been undergoing, something
like this would happen. It wasn't good for his nerves. Or, for that
matter, his blood pressure.

Then again, the snug and revealing outfit Akane had on wasn't
helping a lot either. Ryoga began to take an intense interest in the
caraway seeds that were mixed into the sauerkraut on his hot dog.

"Ah... why are you guys dressed like that anyhow?" he inquired.

"Fighting uniforms. They're meant to distract the opponents,"
Ranma replied.

Ryoga thought about that. His nose began to ache. "I... I'd say
they'll work."

"Thank you, Ryoga," said Akane, feeling really flattered. She
sat up a bit straighter, which caused the tunic to tighten a little
bit, and Ryoga to almost choke on his hot dog.

(Ranma couldn't have planned this to embarrass me. Could she?)
He looked suspiciously at the girl in question, and almost choked
again. Ranma had chosen that moment to stretch-- arms above the
head, back arched, head back-- innocently, of course. She had just
come from sparring, after all.

Ranma didn't know that that was also one of the classic
sexy-as-hell poses that swimwear and lingerie models had been using
for years.

Ryoga urked. It might not have been intentional, but it was
disturbing. Also inflammatory. "Will you STOP that?"

"Stop what?" asked Ranma, in genuine confusion.

"Stop LOOKING like that!"

"I can't help how I look!"

"You're doing it just to bother me!"

"Doing WHAT?"

"Ryoga, what are you talking about?" asked a confused Akane. She
couldn't see anything that Ranma had been doing this time. "She
hasn't teased you or called you P-chan or anything."

"You feeling all right, buddy?" asked Ranma. She was wondering
if the lost boy had finally flipped.

"I'm going to feel fine when you stop doing that!"

"Doing WHAT?"

"THAT!"

"I am not going to continue a loony argument like this," Ranma
sniffed. She stood up, bent over to get her teacup, and accidentally
shot Ryoga a very good look at her cleavage. (Honest, it was an
accident!)

Ryoga angry glare suddenly glazed over. Then he slowly toppled
over.

"What's wrong with Ryoga?" asked Akane in sudden concern.

"I have NO idea, I never could figure him out, and I'm NOT about
to try," retorted a miffed and confused Ranma. She went upstairs to
change into something more normal while Akane tried to see Ryoga had
a fever. He didn't, but he did have another nosebleed...

####

"So, you have your costume for Saturday?" asked Ranma on the way
to school.

"Hai. And I'm really pleased with it too... I put a lot of work
into it. How about you?"

"Well, mine wasn't really that hard to make... but yeah, I got it
ready. Looks to be pretty decent." Ranma tossed her head, to get a
few strands of hair out of her face. It was a breezy day. "The hard
part was finding the accessories."

"Oh? What are you going as?"

"That's a secret. You?"

Akane smirked. "The same. You'll see Saturday night."

"Hmm... well, we're about there-- down from the fence, rapid dash
to the locker room, and to class on my mark-- now!"

One useful thing about the walk to school early on the fence
while wearing bloomers underneath the uniforms to get to the gym on
time was that there was less Kuno trouble. Today was an exception.
The true heir to the art of being a near total idiot was waiting that
morning. With a novel new approach.

"Fairest of women, oft have I granted you both roses as tokens of
my regard. Oft have you refused them, nay, even scorned them. But
at last have I, Tatewake Kuno, finally understood the reasons for
your rejections of my tokens of affection."

"You figured out that we both consider you an incredibly annoying
twerp?" sneered Ranma.

"Nay, for that is impossible."

"For once, he's right. He'll NEVER figure it out," noted Akane.

"It is obvious that my error was in choice of flora. Doubtless
you desire other, more exotic blooms! Sasuke-- the blossoms for the
blossoms of my heart!"

"Huh?" chorused the two.

And then they found themselves swamped by bouquets of lilies,
pansies, daffodils, orchids, daisies, forget-me-nots, honeysuckles,
chrysanthemums, and even a few wildflowers. Ranma and Akane found
themselves looking very much as though someone had grabbed a
florist's shop-- the whole thing-- and shaken it over their heads.

For a moment there was no movement from beneath the mound of
flowers. Then a red-maned head poked it's way out from between some
ladies-breath and some foxgloves. "Kuno. No. Baka."

And one supposes that we all know what goes here.

####

"I really really HATE that moron," fumed Ranma carrying her
traditional buckets. "Making us late with a stunt like that..."

"Oooh, you and me both," added Akane, also holding the hated
instruments of punishment.

"Shampoo want know if she can borrow stupid stick boy when is
time for Ranma to pummel him after school?" asked the Amazon
schoolgirl. Who was also in the hall, bucket wielding, for the sin
of tardiness.

"Why?" wondered Ranma.

"Shampoo wake up late but would have been on time. Stick boy
leave mountain of flowers on path, Shampoo's bicycle no slow down in
time. Crash because of stupid flowers."

"I oughtta sell the jerk to the Amazons as kitchen help," growled
Ranma.

"Ranma take lessons from mercenary girl?" smiled Shampoo.

"Huh? What'cha mean?"

"Ranma get paid selling stick-boy. Then Ranma get paid again,
take stick-boy back."

Ranma and Akane both chuckled at the thought.

"What I don't understand is why Kuno isn't out here with buckets
too. HE was late also," sighed Akane.

"Look out the window."

Akane followed Ranma's direction-- and giggled to see Kuno with a
rake and broom cleaning up vast quantities of flowers. "Guess that's
fair enough."

####

Lunchtime arrived. As the now usual gang began to open bentos
(with the exception of the one grilling), Ranma arrived, glowering.

"Enzo again?" asked Sayuri.

"You know it. Damn, Kuno may be a jerk, but at least he tries in
some way to be romantic. Enzo just... Arrgh."

"What did he do this time?"

"The usual. THIS time it included a love hotel, seventeen
gallons of mayonnaise, and a walrus. Oh, and he wanted me to wear
Mickey Mouse ears. The code won't let me really hurt him... but I'm
not sure he's going to survive."

Akane gasped. "Ranma, you didn't--"

"Naw, of course not. But guess who overheard his proposition?"

"Who?" asked more than a few Helpers.

Then they saw a terrified Enzo fleeing from a screaming Kuno.

"You know, for giving me a break from pounding him, I'd almost go
on a date with the moron. Well, maybe I'll let him buy me a cup of
tea." Ranma thought. "Naw."

"Enzo hit on Shampoo also. What chocolate sauce and iguana skin
boots have to do with dating?"

As Yuka and Sayuri explained Enzo, the high school's biggest
pervert, to Shampoo, Ranma began to eat. Anger or no anger, food was
food.

Shampoo listened for a moment, uncomprehending, and then suddenly
flushed a brilliant red. "Shampoo skip lunch, go ahead eat hers.
HEY, STICK-BOY! SHAMPOO HELP!"

"I guess I'll be nice and not pummel him after school after all,
just dodge him. That's enough of a thank you... hey, good ramen."

As the Amazon joined in the chase after the terrified Enzo, Ranma
snickered. And then ate. Lunchtime as usual, really, at Furinkan.

####

"So, you guys have costumes ready for the party Saturday?" asked
Ranma after class.

"Yup. And mine's going to knock your socks off, Ranchan,"
replied Ukyo. "I put a lot of work into it."

"Shampoo have good costume too. Bet no-one expect it."

"Well, we'll see when we get to the party. And I'm really proud
of mine," said Akane.

Ranma just smirked. Hers wasn't a slouch by any means...

####

"Bwee."

P-chan was not happy. As Ryoga, he'd planned to go to the party
if he could find a costume.

Cold water wasn't what he'd intended for a costume.

Akane came by, grinning. Her costume was perfect-- and Ranma
would have to admit that. Then she saw-- well, guess what happened
next?

"Oh, P-chan, THERE you are. I wish I could take you to the party
tonight... Hmm... P-chan, would you like to help me with my costume?"

The little pig nodded. Although at the moment he couldn't see
HOW he could.

In a few minutes, he did. To his eternal mortification.

After a while, Akane came out, and displayed herself to Ranma.
Who began to freak out.

"c-c-c-c-c--"

"No, it's P-chan! Look-- see? Not a cat! P-chan!"

Ranma peered, and relaxed. "You-- you're right. Not a c-cat, a
pig. A... hey, you know that that character is a female, right?"
She began to snicker.

"Well, yes, of course. What's your point, Ranma?"

"Well, only that that's probably the first crossdressing pig in
history."

P-chan would have groaned. Or attacked. Or something. But
being in costume and held by Akane, all he could do was attempt a
piggy version of a meow.

"Bweeow."

It didn't QUITE work...

####

The Kuno Mansion. A hive of lunacy and insanity unlike any other
place in Nerima... well, actually, most places in Nerima were hives
of lunacy and insanity, but the Kuno mansion was a very NICE hive of
lunacy and insanity. Being rich had it's moments.

They were greeted by Sasuke, who was the only member of the staff
that anyone ever actually saw. The entire staff at the Kuno estate
were ninja, and had this fetish about not being seen. In fact, even
Sasuke hadn't seen the chief chef in six years, and no-one was quite
certain who changed the bedclothes any more... it just sort of seemed
to get done.

Ranma had been there a few times, but rarely of her own free
will. Only a sizable amount of cash and a much desired CD were
bringing her here tonight. Both she and Akane were wearing cloaks to
hide their costumes.

And as they entered the hall, and doffed said cloaks, there were
more than a few appreciative murmurs.

Akane had a damn near perfect Sailor Mercury outfit. Boots,
tiara, short as heck fuku and all. And as she had noted, yes, her
legs WERE good ones. It only helped that P-chan was wearing a faux
cat's tail, small extensions on his ears, fake whiskers, and a white
crescent moon on his forehead.

Yes, it was true, Ranma was right-- P-chan was technically
crossdressing. Instead of a boy pig, he was representing the role of
Luna-- a female cat. The only jarring note was the bandanna (with
the small combat cocktail umbrella hidden within) that Akane had not
been able to remove. Well, she'd been able to remove twenty-six of
them before she gave up.

Ranma, on the other hand, was a near dead ringer for the video
game heroine Lara Croft. Khaki shorts over a blue leotard, hiking
boots and a backpack, and even a toy automatic rifle and paired
waterpistols. She'd even gone back to her familiar pigtail for the
role.

"Wonder what the others are planning?"

"We'll see... hey is THAT Kuno? NOT what I'd expected," Ranma
replied.

Kuno, she'd thought, would be on his usual Samurai kick. He
nearly always was. But not this time.

Instead, the familiar fedora, battered leather jacket, bullwhip--

"I have to admit," Ranma whispered, "Kuno makes a pretty good
Indiana Jones."

"Lara Croft and Indiana Jones-- maybe you ARE a couple after
all?" giggled Akane.

"Do not even THINK of going there."

Nabiki chose that moment to arrive. She'd given long and hard
thought to her outfit. She had decided to wear something that no-one
would ever expect her to wear and that would attract the eyes of the
businessmen she hoped to make contact with.

And what would attract businessmen more than the classic Playboy
Bunny? Nabiki KNEW that she had the build for it, and wasn't afraid
to demonstrate the fact. Besides, much teasing potential was
inherent in the skimpy bodysuit and ears.

Shame? What was this shame thing? Besides, the outfit was
cheap.

"Hey, Ranchan-- what do you think?"

Ranma blinked. Ukyo was not usually given to feminine garments.
This was feminine-- but also had nearly as much attitude as Ranma
favored.

Leather skirt and bodice. Boots and armor. One unexpected
combination.

Ukyo, Warrior Princess. SOME people should not be allowed to
watch Xena... but on Ukyo it looked good. Ranma began to chuckle.

"Not bad, Ucchan... not bad at all. Although doesn't Xena carry
a sword instead of a spatula?"

"Hey, a girl's gotta go with her own nature. I wonder what-- I
do NOT believe this."

That statement was prompted by Shampoo's entrance. Most people
had expected the Amazon to wear something very very revealing-- she
usually did, after all.

Instead, she was dressed in a very demure outfit. Long robes,
complex trim, a new hairstyle--

"Do they have Amazons on Jurai?" quipped Ranma.

For Shampoo, who had decided that since Ranma wasn't responding
to her usual "be sexy as all hell" routine, had decided to be
ladylike. And who is more ladylike while still being a warrior than
Ayeka from Tenchi Muyo?

She bowed, carefully, and replied, "Shampoo not know, Lord Ranma,
but should have."

"Isn't that Lady Ranma right now?" smiled Akane.

"Whatever," replied Shampoo. "Ranma like costume?"

"Well... it's certainly a different look for you..."

"Shampoo thank."

"Got to admit, Ranchan, we're all kind of dressed in opposite
ways."

"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Except her," sneered Akane.

Kodachi had made her entrance. And her costume-- what there was
of it-- was impressive. Tiny. Black. Skulls. Bikini. Impractical
as all hell.

"Well, she's at least got the laugh right," mused Ranma as
Kodachi descended the stairs in the classic Naga the White Serpent
outfit from the Slayers movies.

"And most of the attitude, and the lunacy, and the ego..." added
Akane.

"Bweeow," commented P-chan.

Ukyo raised an eyebrow. "You got a smart pet there, Akane-chan--
I think it's actually trying to mew."

"P-chan's a very very smart piggy, aren't you, P-chan?"

"For a pig, yeah," muttered Ranma.

"Shampoo not know crazy girl's outfit?"

"Slayers. Pretty decent show."

"Not look decent to Shampoo. Look indecent."

Giggles rippled through the group. Oh, and a snickering "Bwee."

Others arrived. Some more outrageous than others. Oh, there
were the usual cowboys, singers, and the like-- but there were also
the more imaginative.

Yuka and Sayuri had decided that if Ranma could be daring, they
could-- if only for a costume party where it could be excused. They
made, with wigs to help, a fairly decent classic Dirty Pair.

Hiroshi and Daisuke, who would be the first to admit they knew
squat about any real martial arts, nevertheless decided to also
attend in matching costumes-- as Ryu and Ken from the Street Fighter
videogames/anime.

Take notes people, because this is going to be significant...

####

Cologne sat in the Nekohanten alone with Mousse, who hadn't been
invited and was needed at the restaurant anyway. Something was
preying on her mind-- something that she couldn't quite put her
finger on.

"Mousse, bring me the Crystal of Leng-Khao."

As the nearly blind Master of Hidden Weapons And The Occasional
Really Silly Object went to get the requested object, Cologne sat
nervously. It had been a long while since she had felt this
particular vibration in the aether. And it was not one she was happy
about.

Looking deeply into the crystal, the Amazon matriarch began the
arcane chant that would open it's scrying powers. The crystal began
to glow, faintly, revealing characters, words that would tell the
elder what she needed to know.

YOU'RE SCREWED.

She had hoped for something more detailed...

####

"Ah, pony-tailed-- no, flame haired-- no, it's pig-tailed right
now, isn't it? At any rate, overjoyed am I to see you and the lovely
Akane Tendo at my humble affair."

"Mrrph," replied Ranma, her mouth full of cake.

Akane sighed. Loon deflection time. "Kuno-sempai, I hope you're
not going to start getting demonstrative again..."

"Would that I could bask in thy beauty and allow you to
reciprocate by basking in my glorious manliness, but as the host I
must both mingle with the common crowd and keep my demented sibling
from inadvertently poisoning the guests. Or advertently, for that
matter. But fear not, for later I shall have proper opportunity to
grant you both my undivided attention."

"Um, Kuno," asked Ranma, swallowing, "if there are two of us
doesn't that mean your attention will _have_ to be divided?"

Kuno blinked, in mild confusion. Then the kendoist went off to
ponder this puzzle.

"Not so bad a move," commented Nabiki. "Almost worthy of me, in
fact. He'll be working that one out for at least five minutes."

Ranma nodded over a glass of punch. "Food's okay too. Tried
this cake yet? It's good."

"Hai-- even P-chan likes it." Akane smiled at her pet who was
daintily eating the confection in question. P-chan may have been a
pig, but he wasn't a slob-- usually.

"Of course, these pork buns are pretty good too. And these rice
balls. And the meatballs. And the dim sum. And the--"

"Ranma," wondered Nabiki out loud, "Do you ever think of anything
but eating and fighting?"

"Sure. There's sleeping."

Nabiki groaned. She wasn't QUITE certain that Ranma was joking.

####

"Stupid oracle." Cologne glared at the crystal in aggravation.
"Could you possibly be more specific?"

YOU'RE REALLY SCREWED.

"That's not telling me anything helpful..."

SEVERELY SCREWED? MAJOR SCREWED? SCREWED BEYOND BELIEF?

It is a little known fact that in the Amazon dialect of Chinese
there are no less that sixty-two ways to call someone or something a
moron. Cologne ran through them all twice in three and a half
minutes.

####

"You know, the number of people hitting on Ranma's been pretty
light tonight."

"Well, maybe some boys are getting a clue."

"Or maybe it's because there's a rumor that the guns are real."

Hiroshi and Daisuke nodded to each other. Then they went to
strike up a conversation with Yuka and Sayuri, who looked very nice
in the Dir-- ah, Lovely Angels costumes.

####

Cologne had just created a sixty-third way to call someone or
something a moron when Mousse passed by and said, "Maybe you should
ask it why we're screwed?"

"Mousse, you idiot. Oracles don't work that way. You have to
use arcane and careful methods to extract the required information.
You don't just tap the thing and say, 'Hey, Mister Crystal, just
exactly WHY is it we're screwed?' If we could... do... that..."

BECAUSE A SOMEWHAT INSANE WIZARD NAMED FRED YERFBURGER, FROM
PILLOW CREEK MINNESOTA, POPULATION 237, IS IN NERIMA RIGHT NOW. HE'S
GOING TO DO SOMETHING VERY VERY STUPID WITH THE LOST AMULET OF
IMPRESSIONS AND CAUSE A SEVERE REALITY INVERSION. YOUR ONLY HOPE IS
A GROUP OF YOUNG BUT RATHER ILL-DISCIPLINED MARTIAL ARTISTS THAT ARE
AT THE MOMENT DRESSED IN A WIDE ARRAY OF COSTUMES AND ENJOYING SOME
RATHER FINE PUNCH AND FOODS.

OH, AND BY THE WAY. YES, YOU SHOULD GIVE DUCK-BOY A RAISE FOR
THIS. YOU NEED ALL THE GOOD KARMA YOU CAN GET.

Cologne decided to use one of Ranma's techniques at that moment.
And Mousse was treated to the remarkable sight of the Amazon beating
her head against the table.

Then she gave him a raise. And dashed off to a certain party.

####

Many people consider the arcane temples of China or Tibet to be
the greatest sources of mystical knowledge. Others speak in hushed
tones of the bayous of Louisiana where dreaded voodoo priests dwell.
A few will mention the lost ruins of Tanis in Egypt, or the strange
and hidden places that lie beneath Stonehenge. Still others mention
such dreaded places as Phoenix Mountain, or the citadel of the Musk
Dynasty. And a few-- very knowledgeable, very wise, and very
afraid-- speak of Arkham, Massachusetts and the dread library of
Miskatonic University.

For some reason no-one seems to know about Pillow Creek,
Minnesota, which just happens to have the highest per-capita ratio on
the planet of wizards, witches, sorcerers, magi, and the like to
those who are classed as not being such. In fact, the only "normal"
person there is Earl Gillespie, and he runs the combination gas
station, convenience store, and post office.

Population 237, of which 236 are magically active in one way or
another.

And in that small town, seemingly like any other small town,
there's the required town jerk. You know, the guy who nobody likes?
The one with a chip on his shoulder for no apparent reason? Well, in
this case it was Fred Yerfburger.

Fred's chip was because he wanted to rule the world.

Now, to any serious practitioner of magic that is clearly stupid.

First, because cosmic law won't LET a wizard rule the world--
something or someone always stops you before you can cast the last
rune, and then it's be cut down by the barbarian time, or be shot by
the dashing hero time, or get your butt kicked by some martial artist
whose name probably begins with R, ends with A, and is an
aquatransexual time. (This is called foreshadowing.)

Second, because even if you DID rule the world, the time it would
take to administer it would take time away from the arcane studies
that magi like so much.

And third, because in the honest opinion of most real mages, it's
a lot more gratifying to kick back with a sixpack and a cute nature
spirit, watch "The Witches of Eastwick" and poke fun at the errors,
and cuddle a bit.

In other words, once you become really enlightened into the true
meaning of the universe and master it's eldritch powers, you realize
that it's no big deal after all, and just settle for kicking back
with aforesaid cute nature spirit and conjuring the occasional
Budweiser.

REAL wizards are a pretty laid back bunch, in general.

Fred was an exception. He didn't like beer, he wasn't that fond
of study, and he was determined to prove that Cosmic Law was wrong.
Fred was powerful, Fred was capable, and Fred was a nutball.

Fred wasn't, however, stupid. Try to start taking over the world
at home and he'd get dogpiled by 235 really pissed off magically
active people who would be very angry at his interfering with their
beer-conjuring and nature spirit cuddling. Plus Earl would be
hitting him with that damn mallet he'd bought from a Japanese
importer again. (Where the hell did Earl KEEP that damn thing,
anyway?)

No, THIS time he'd go to a far off land where he would find
little or no opposition. By the time any of his neighbors had
figured out what was going on, it would be too late, and he would be
able to shape the world to his liking.

And he had the perfect place to start-- a quiet, ordinary place
in Japan called Nerima.

Hmmm. On second thought, maybe Fred WAS stupid.

####

The party went on. That's what a good party does, and even if it
WAS being held by the Kunos, it was a pretty good party.

Kuno himself had decided to research what the common people did
for fun. To his surprise, poetry readings, samurai epics, and
listening to him proclaim his personal greatness wasn't on the list.
However, eating, drinking, dancing, and something truly fascinating
was.

The fascinating thing was a novel idea called karaoke.

Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea, Tatewaki Kuno was
actually aware of a personal shortcoming. He knew that he couldn't
sing. He was painfully aware that he would have a hard time carrying
a tune.

In fact, he'd have a hard time dragging a tune in a bucket at the
end of a heavy chain attached to a four-wheel drive pickup truck. IF
the bucket was helpfully strapped to a skateboard.

But that didn't mean that the paired angels couldn't sing for
him... and he'd thusly gone and purchased a BIG karaoke machine with
a LOT of songs, the lyrics albums, and a wide screen projection video
system for atmosphere. He looked forward to what he knew would be
songs of gentle love and precious romance emitted from the voices of
the angelic Akane Tendo and the girl who kept changing her hair all
the time but was a fiery tigress after his heart anyhow.

The problem was that said fiery tigress wasn't cooperating.

"Akane, I don't wanna sing no songs."

"Ranma, you've got a great voice as a girl, and you know it.
Besides, everyone else is."

"I ain't everyone else," complained Ranma, forgetting to talk
like a proper girl. "Besides, I just know there ain't a song in
there I'd like anyhow."

"You can look, can't you?"

"I guess..." Ranma knew that Akane wouldn't let her off without
at least one song. "But you go first."

Akane blinked. "Well... I don't know about THAT..."

"I won't unless you do."

"Okay, fine. I'll sing and then you sing. Deal?"

"Deal."

Akane went to look for the songbooks, and started thumbing
through them. Ranma turned to the crossdressing piglet, and asked,
"So, P-chan, which song are you gonna sing?"

"Bweeow," replied the pig, giving Ranma a dirty stare.

Ranma chuckled. And then noticed to her personal horror that
Akane was mounting the stage that Kuno had set up, microphone in
hand, and talking to Sasuke who, rather than his accustomed ninja
garments was wearing a sort of sequined DJ outfit.

(Kuso-- she IS gonna sing something, and that means I'LL have to
sing something, and... Kuso.)

And at that thought, Akane started to sing the annoyingly
appropriate "Moonlight Densetsu".

And, in fact, she wasn't bad.

(I'm impressed. Hmm... I have to find a song that's me...
something with attitude...)

As Ranma started to thumb through the songbooks, P-chan thought
of a simple plan to embarrass her. The transpig might not at the
moment be trying to kill the girl in training, but there wasn't
anything wrong with making her look like a fool. All he had to do
was to sneak up to the karaoke setup, pull the sound cables, and
instant silly-looking Ranma.

The pig began a stealthy approach to the stage.

Ranma chose her song. Perfect.

The pig began to approach his target.

Ranma took the microphone, and said, "I really should be wearing
a bustier and miniskirt for this song, but..."

The pig, who was right in front of one of the speakers, froze.
No. She wasn't going to sing--

We digress here for a small explanation. Ranma, although it's
not noted in either the anime or the manga, sings in the shower. And
it's always the same song, and it should be played loud. And
Ryoga/P-chan knows this.

Ranma nodded to Sasuke, who turned up the volume. After all,
this song needed to be loud.

And the redhead went into a very very spirited rendition of
"Konya Wa Hurricane".

Also a very very loud one.

Everyone enjoyed it immensely except a half-deafened pig.

Who was blown halfway across the room by the speakers.

It is fate.

####

The wizard named Fred approached the mansion. Ah, here were
where the ley lines intersected. Here was the place to use the
Amulet of Impressions. Here he would cause chaos by bring the inner
nature to the outer surface.

And surely the inner nature of most were weak, so he could easily
master the world.

Insert patented Evil Laugh #174 here.

####

"Wow, Ranma, that was great!" enthused Yuka.

"Yeah! Maybe you should form a band!" agreed Sayuri.

"I didn't know that you could sing that well," added Hiroshi.

"You wiggle really nice when you sing, Ranma," said Daisuke.

Two Lovely Angels and one Street Fighter bapped Daisuke before
Ranma could.

"Such a moron. You don't think you could give us another song?
I mean, you DO sing well," Hiroshi said. "If you ever wanted to, you
could be an idol singer, for sure."

"You ever seen what they make idol singers wear?" retorted Ranma.
"No WAY am I going on stage in one of those lacy dresses. Why do you
think I chose Konya Wa Hurricane?"

"Because it's what you sing in the shower in the locker room
every day?" quipped Akane.

"Hey, I like the series, I like the song. And I never had the
right voice to sing it until the Girl Days training... well, didn't
want to admit it anyway. I guess I like to sing."

"Hey, Ranma, if I can get you a blonde wig, a miniskirt and a
bustier, will you sing it again?"

"Dai, you WANT Ranma to get medieval on you?" asked Hiroshi.

"I dunno... I would look good in that outfit... but no. I don't
think so," Ranma smiled.

"Besides, where would you find a Priss costume anyhow?" asked
Yuka.

"I was just asking..."

"You were just being a pervert," Sayuri retorted.

"Hey, there's nothing perverted about a guy wanting to look at a
pretty girl in a miniskirt! Now, a poodle costume, THAT would be
perverted," Daisuke countered.

There was a long pause.

"You've been talking to Enzo again, haven't you?" asked Ranma.

"Well... only to try to save his life before you kill him..."
replied Daisuke, weakly.

"Besides," Ranma said, to divert the imminent death of Daisuke,
"I don't have such an outfit, and neither does anyone here."

"Such is not a problem, fire-haired goddess," came a really
really unwelcome voice. "Indeed, we have a complete set of almost
any garment that either you or the fair Akane could ever desire to
wear in your sizes. Although, I fear, I have not such a wig on
hand," Kuno said.

"Why the HELL would you have-- no, never mind, I really don't
want to know," sighed Ranma.

"Dare you," grinned Akane.

Ranma gulped. Somehow this seemed familiar. "Don't wanna."

"Aw, it would be so cute, Ranma," put in Sayuri.

"Don't wanna."

"You'd be the hit of the party," Hiroshi noted.

"Don't wanna!"

"We could sing backup for you," added Yuka.

"Don't Wanna!!!"

"Personally, sugar, I'd pay money to see that myself."

Ranma gave Ukyo an accusing glare. "Don't WANNA!"

"Lady Ranma not afraid?" asked Shampoo, grinning. She was a
closet BGC fan, and would love to see this.

"You TOO? I DON'T WANNA!"

This went on for a while. The inevitable result was that Ranma
found herself with a change of costume, unbound hair, and on stage
again.

(Where in HELL did Kuno get a perfect dupe of the Asagiri outfit
from episode one anyway?) grumbled Ranma internally, as she began to
reprise the number--

And something really really stupid happened.

####

Fred cast his spell.

Unfortunately, he didn't get it quite right.

His intent was to bring the inner nature to the outer surface.

Instead, he bought the outer surface to the inner nature.

For most of the people in the area that meant absolutely
nothing-- on a purely spiritual level. But to a pack of costume
partygoers...

Cologne arrived exactly seventeen seconds too late. She stared
in shock as buildings appeared from nowhere, wildly mismatched. A
van grew from nothing nearby. So did an Aston Martin, circa the mid
Sixties. On the roof of the Kuno mansion a conveniently placed
spaceship appeared.

And Cologne could only think of one thing to say...

"Oh, shit."

####

to be continued.

####

Author's Notes--

Well, due to a broken computer I wasn't able to do any work on
this for a month. :P But here it is, reborn.

Some kind people have mentioned that the Reality Inversion here
is reminicent of a story titled "No More Fakes", by Louis Epstein.
I'd just like to assure you all that I'd never even heard of this
story when I wrote this chapter, and any similarity is coincidental.

The same goes for a Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode. I never
saw that, and don't usually watch that show anyhow.

And I feel reasonably certain that my epic isn't going to be
anything like these tales in tone, anyhoo. I'm too silly a person.
Ja ne!

Girl Days

A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction

By Robert Haynie

(Nope, I don't own them, can't afford the legal fees, and am too
silly anyway. So leave me out of it!)

####

Part 12: Reality? Sheah, RIGHT.

####

(A dark-haired man walks onto a lit stage, carrying a sheet of
paper in one hand. He adjusts his glasses, and begins to speak.)

For those who missed the previous chapter, I would like to... aw,
forget it. It's just too damn WIERD. Go back and read it-- it's
generally archived at http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud/, and for Heaven's
sake, don't take any hard drugs while doing so.

(The man tosses the paper down in disgust and strides off,
ignoring the complaints of the speechwriter.)

####

Ranma felt-- odd.

Her brain seemed to burn for a moment, and unfamiliar images
seemed to pass through her head. She shook off the feeling, however,
and went back into her rendition for the second time that night of
"Konya Wa Hurricane".

For some reason, she felt more natural singing it this time. But
she didn't get to finish the song.

After all, it's hard to remain calm and singing when a
centenarian Amazon leaps through the roof and lands on top of Indiana
Kuno, screaming something about Minnesotan Wizards and Evil spells
meant to weaken the soul.

Cologne blinked. As far as she could tell, no spirits were
crushed. In fact, there seemed rather a larger aura of confidence
than usual.

"Lady, could you get offa my head already?" complained Kuno.

"Of course-- but the outside has gone-- what did you say?" said
Cologne, noting that Kuno's usual mode of speech had altered.

"Look, you might like perching up there, sister, but you're
crushing the hat-- what am I SAYING? How can I speak in such a
common fashion?"

"Great Grandmother, what has you so upset? I hardly understood
anything you said," Shampoo inquired.

Cologne stared.

"By the Gods, Shampoo, since when do you speak Japanese that
well?"

Cologne stared at Ukyo also.

"It IS strange. There must be a reasonable explanation for this,
however... we can't discount the possibility of youma possession
here," added Akane.

Staring was no longer an option. "He... he couldn't have screwed
that spell up THAT badly..."

Ranma stepped off the stage, scowling. "You'd better start
making sense, Cologne. I hate having my performances interrupted--
Akane, what are you saying?"

"He DID. That maniac DID. Excuse me. I need to sit down..."
Cologne shuddered. This was, as it were, a Very Bad Thing.

"Well, do so off of the Blue Thunder's head. You ain't exactly
light, you know."

"Of... of course." Hopping off the fedora-clad cranium, Cologne
began to explain what no-one had yet quite caught on to...

####

"You're kidding me. You have to be kidding me. This isn't
possible." Ranma shook her head, uncertainly. Yet she somehow felt
different-- somewhat irritable, somewhat angry at... something.

"I certainly don't feel that much different," added Akane.
"Well, I do, but it doesn't seem to really matter... I can't explain
it, really." Akane wasn't getting angry. She felt unusually mild
tempered, in fact. Clear headed, really.

"Well, I for one can guarantee that SOMETHING happened," came a
new voice. Everyone looked around for a moment, uncertainly, before
realizing that the voice was coming from the floor.

P-chan leapt up with feline grace. Which wasn't odd, considering
that he'd become a talking cat.

Ranma's eyes boggled-- and the beginning of a panic attack
began-- and stopped. She felt uncomfortable, yes, but she wasn't
going into her normal "get the hell away from the cat" mode.

"Well, there's proof for you there," Cologne said. "Ranma may
suffer from ailurophobia, but the character she's portraying does
not, and that seems to be ameliorating her usual reaction... excuse
me. Did that cat just talk?"

"Logical. Luna in the show talks, and since P-chan was
portraying that role, so does he now. I wonder..." Akane tapped an
earring, and a blue-tinted visor appeared. "Hey, this is neat! I
even know how to use it!"

"So... you really are Sailor Mercury... man, what's the point of
doing this?" asked "Priss". "This guy just a nut or something?"

"I believe his intentions were to draw the inner nature to the
surface. According to my sources, he's the type who thinks all
people are weaklings at heart, and assumed that this would make it
easy for him to rule the world. He got it backwards, it seems.
Ukyo, would you please stop that?" The last was directed at a
happily backflipping warrior princess.

"Honestly, Ukyo. Even if you find yourself somewhat improved in
a physical sense, it's hardly polite or ladylike to leap about like
that," chided Shampoo.

"At any rate, this insanity will spread wider... and our city,
perhaps our world, will be twisted beyond recognition unless we stop
him. We have to get the Amulet of Impressions away from that lunatic
Yerfburger and destroy it-- within fourty-eight hours, or the changes
will be irreversible."

"And that's a bad thing, right? Hmm... you know, this guy is in
real trouble. I've still got my skills at the Art, but I fell like I
got more too. I'm not Ranma OR Priss-- I'm, I think, kinda both. I
can feel it."

The others nodded. They too could feel the strange sense of
overlay.

"Shampoo-- are you aware that you apparently have two giant
floating bonbori behind you?" asked Akane, uncertainly.

The Juraian Amazon shrugged. "It seems that my Guardians have
arrived."

"We have only just come, Princess," said one of the huge wooden
battle maces.

"Actually, I think we have only just been created. I find no
record of my previous existence in my memory banks at any rate," the
other added.

"This is getting weird. Look what I found in my handbag," Ranma
said.

"Good lord! What the hell kind of gun is THAT?" blurted Kuno.

"Member II. Got extra rounds in the bag for it also. Wonder if
there's a hardsuit out there waiting for me?"

"Hera's heart... this is getting insane," muttered Ukyo.

"Insane's nothing new. But this goes beyond the pale," said
Cologne.

"Whoo-hoo! This is GREAT!" chorused two voices. Heads turned to
see Hiroshi and Daisuke now bouncing about in an almost Ranmaesque
fashion.

"Hmm... real martial arts. And likely some that are fictional.
This is going farther than I feel comfortable with," mused Sailor
Akane.

"Yeah, there could be real-- oh, DAMN. I just thought-- we also
have a Naga and the-- the Dirty Pair."

Eyes widened. "You don't think Kodachi's figured it out yet, do
you?" asked a somewhat upset Shampoo.

"OHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!"

"It's a possibility," Ranma scowled.

"Power! TRUE power worthy of the goddess I was meant to be!"
chortled the less than sand Kodachi, the White Serpent.

The sight of a bikini-clad Kodachi exercising her Raywing was, to
say the least, unnerving.

"She's not gonna want to change things, you know. If we have to
deal with her as well, we're screwed. I saw part of a OAV of that
series, and I'm beginning to wish I'd paid more attention," sighed
Ranma. (A thought that would, in the future, come back to haunt her
many times. Check out Redheads by this author for the reason why.)

Without hesitation Ukyo whipped out a metal ring that had before
been made of cheap tin, but now was of high carbon steel, and tossed
it. It ricocheted along three walls, caught Kodachi a glancing blow
on the back of the head, knocking her silly, and flew back to Ukyo's
hand. "Not a problem."

"Okay, I'M impressed," said Ranma. "Now... how are we going to
find this Hamburger guy?"

"Yerfburger," corrected Cologne.

"Whatever."

Akane looked thoughtful. Then, from apparently nowhere, she
produced a small blue rectangle, which she opened. "Apparently I
have this as well. If I can find a way to track him, we can take him
down quickly. And since we don't have much time... I'll get on it
right away."

"You know how to use that thing, Akane?" asked Ranma.

"Oddly enough, I do. Getting to him may be a problem, though..."

"We can use our spaceship!" chirped two more changed people.
Sayuri and Yuka. The new Dirty Pair.

Two neoStreet Fighters sweatdropped. They knew their girlfriends
roles VERY well...

"That might work... take her up and scout out the situation, then
report back. Take Dai and 'Roshi with you, though." And aside to
the two latter mentioned, "And try to make certain they don't blow
anything up. We don't know how far this goes yet."

A cowboy came in, grinning. "Man, there's horses out there--
one's mine and she's really smart! And the COOLEST motorcycle I have
ever seen!"

"Bets on whose that is?" quipped Kuno, who was finishing tying
and gagging his twisted sister.

"No bets at all, Kuno-san," replied Shampoo. "I think that Lady
Ranma is almost certain to be the owner."

The cowboy shrugged. "I reckon I don't know anything about that,
but there's also this really cool car out there. A 1963 Aston
Martin, in mint condition-- you don't see those ANYWHERE. Wonder
whose that is?"

"That," a cultured voice said, "Would be mine, I suspect."

All eyes turned to the new speaker. As usual, people had almost
forgotten that he was here-- nobody ever seemed to notice him.

But right now they were noticing him a lot. His demeanor seemed
completely different, his bearing stronger. His tuxedo, which had
been slightly rumpled before, was now perfect. And there was an
almost steely glint in his eyes.

"You... you're..."

And in a British accent, the man replied, "Gosunkugi. Hikaru
Gosunkugi. At your service, ladies..."

####

Fred Yerfburger was not a happy wizard.

He wasn't certain what had gone wrong with the spell, but instead
of creating a pack of cowering worms that he could easily dominate it
seemed to have instead caused the Nerima ward to become something out
of dozens of those annie-may cartoons that were so popular here. A
towering futuristic structure stood next to what looked like a jungle
temple. Small skycars zipped past arcane pillars. Robots mingled
with what he could have sworn were elves.

And nobody paid much attention. This was, after all, Nerima.

At first the spell had done nothing to those not in costume. But
the Reality Inversion had a LOT of energy, and damn if it was going
to let it end at Ranma and company. Bit by bit people were changing
depending on where the closest manga, anime, novel, or movie was --
and if there wasn't anything really close, it would just make
something up.

In other words, Nerima was looking a lot like a titanic cosplay
where the buildings had decided to join in on the fun.

The Tendo Dojo wasn't any different. Nodoka sighed as Kasumi
used her adamantium claws to slice the tofu for tonight's stir-fry
while happily smoking a cheap cigar. Soun and Genma were playing
shogi while discussing the best way to protect young ladies-- as any
noble swashbucklers from a nearby shojo manga would. They were still
cheating, though.

"Kasumi, dear, don't you find things rather... odd?" Nodoka
couldn't put her finger on it, but...

"Nope, Auntie." Kasumi brushed back her rather eccentric hair
and continued slicing. "Why'dja ask?"

"I can't quite say... just something bothering me. A sort of
disturbance in the force..." Nodoka shrugged and went back to her
lightsaber practice.

####

Nabiki was NOT happy. The spell had tried to resolve the bunny
suit in a way that was really really unexpected.

"You don't look that bad, Nabiki," Akane soothed.

Nabiki didn't reply. She just wrinkled her pink nose while her
whiskers twitched adorably. Idly she ran her fingernails through the
thick pelt of white fur she was now sporting. One of her lapine ears
twitched, and she desperately fought off urges to go hit the carrot
sticks.

Same shape, same girl-- new species. Bunny Girl indeed.

Nabiki, as had been noted, was NOT happy. And this wizard bozo
was going to PAY for making her look like a overdeveloped and
underclad cousin of Lola Bunny.

####

The patrols went out. Ranma on her motorcycle. Ukyo, Shampoo,
and Gosunkugi in the Aston Martin. Kuno in a private car. The Four
Riders (Hiroshi, Daisuke, Yuka, and Sayuri) in the Lovely Angel.
Akane and Cologne stayed back to coordinate and to see what Akane
could detect with the Mercury Computer, P-chan (or as one wag called
him, Luna-P) grumbling. He was DAMN glad that if he had to be a
talking magical cat he was a MALE talking magical cat.

Ranma was especially angry. Very angry. Angry wasn't usually a
Ranma thing, but it certainly was a Priss thing, and since Ranma was
partly a Priss, she was a Pissed Priss.

(When I get my hands on that jerk I'm gonna Righteous Tigresses
Fury his butt so hard he'll have lower his pants to blow his nose.)

Ranma had her own ideas about where to look. If anything went
really strange, it tended to be at the Dojo. So she went there both
to check on the others and to see if the jerk had stopped by.

On the way, she noted how the city had become a sort of demented
theme park.

She entered the dojo and blinked. Blinked. Blinked. "Holy..."

Cologne had mentioned that only those nearest the center of the
spell would really realize that something was wrong. Seemed to be
the case. Kasumi was serving dinner wearing a yellow and black
spandex outfit, smoking a cigar and idly slicing fish with a claw
that was popping out the back of her hand. Pops and Mister Tendo
were dressed like something out of the Three Musketeers, which was
especially jarring when a French panda was involved. And her mother
was helping Kasumi by levitating the plates onto the table while
reheating the rice with a lightsaber.

"Um... everything all right here?" she asked, hesitantly.

"Jes' fine, Red-chan," piped Kasumi. "Oh, I polished your
hardsuit and motoslave, they're in the dojo. Had a feelin' you might
need them 'cause I heard something that sounded a lot like a Boomer
earlier."

Ranma stared. And then thought, (Hardsuit AND... yes!) "Um,
actually, I have to help my friends save the world from an insane
wizard, but thanks Kasumi. I'll need it."

Ranma didn't expect the reaction she got.

"Wizards? Not on MY watch, Red-chan. Girls' gotta do what she's
gotta do," Kasumi said pulling her mask on.

"The duty of a Jedi takes precedence over dinner, I agree,"
Nodoka added.

Soun and Genma merely looked at each other, clasped hands, and
stood, capes dramatically flowing in a sudden breeze. Even the panda
looked oddly noble and heroic.

Ranma shrugged, and went into the dojo to change into her
hardsuit. Why throw away more allies? Even Kasumi, who seemed oddly
capable...

####

Fred couldn't figure out what was going on with the spell. It
wasn't acting ANYTHING like he'd expected. In fact, it wasn't acting
like anything he'd ever heard of.

But it WAS generating massive amounts of thaumic energy, and that
meant that he could use that energy to try something even greater.
He'd inadvertently created a city full of paranormal entities, of
which he was certain he could find a way to control some of them. An
army of elves, monsters, robots... he would be unstoppable!
Invincible! Like unto a GOD!

Evil Laugh #128 followed.

####

"Much oddness does happen at our establishment, Ukyo-san.
Perhaps we should go there. Also, one wonders what has happened to
Mousse. As little as I like him, I should make certain he is
uninjured."

"I'm with you on that. Hikaru?"

"I rather anticipated that you might suggest that. Almost there,
in fact. Ah... that IS the Nekohanten, isn't it?"

It was, but it wasn't. The noodle emporium had taken on a
definite high-tech appearance. Flanges, searchlights, and the like
all sprang from the place. It looked positively military.

Entering, the place looked like a weird mix of barracks and
restaurant. It was, in fact, positively eye-wrenching.

And Mousse sat at one table cleaning a complex looking firearm.
Looking up, with oddly clear eyes SHE adjusted the strap of her
muscle-T, scowled, and adjusted her now thinner glasses. "I get the
feeling I'm not myself. Can't put a finger on it, but..."

"You... are somewhat changed..." Shampoo murmured.

"Yeah. If you say so. Old Mummy got orders for us?"

"You could say that," Ukyo said weakly.

Pulling on a fatigue jacket and hefting her rifle, the rather
bizarre mix of Mousse and Ellen Ripley shrugged. "Well, let's do it.
But this had better not be another bughunt."

As they left, Aliens continued to play in the VCR, and Mousse
asked, idly, "By the way, who's the good looking guy?"

####

As Ranma pulled up to Ucchan's, to check up on Konatsu, she
blinked. Not that you could tell from inside a hardsuit.

In a curious touch of arcane whimsy, although the suit was
technologically identical to the hardsuit that Priss Asagiri used in
later episodes of Bubblegum Crisis, it's color scheme wasn't.
Instead it was red with heavily black trimmed legs and forearms,
reminiscent of Ranma's habitual (well, habitual when in male form)
Chinese outfits and bracers.

Ucchan's was also undergoing some cosmetic alterations. At least
as far as Ranma could remember, it didn't have a thatched roof or a
horse outside of it normally.

Disembarking from the Typhoon II motoslave, Ranma carefully
entered. "Konatsu, you in here? You OK?"

"Never better, by Crom," came a voice that was LIKE Konatsu's,
but deeper and more hearty. Ranma looked over the kitchen, where--

Aw, this just didn't seem RIGHT. Konatsu had put on about fifty
pounds-- apparently entirely muscle-- and was wearing, well, not a
lot but it was all leather. And the sword was almost as long as
Ranma was tall. His hair was already long before, but now it was
also rather tangled, scars had appeared from nowhere, and there was a
smoldering look in his eyes.

"Um... you're sure you're OK?"

"Set's guts, of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

(HOO Boy. Ukyo is gonna love this.) "Hey, you wanna help a
bunch of us fight a sorcerer who's trying to take over the world?"

Konatsu the Barbarian just cracked his knuckles and GRINNED.

It was only a few days later that it was discovered that the
kuinoichi was a closet Sword and Sorcery fan, and had been reading
one of the L. Sprague de Camp Conan novels when he got hit. After
wards he found that guilty pleasure's exposure to be very
embarrassing because he didn't consider it ladylike.

####

One of the cosmic laws regarding wizards who want to take over
the world is that forces will gather to oppose them. Often having no
idea why.

For example, the famed Golden Pair, who usually were regarded as
halfwits if you allowed the possibility that they could get to a half
a wit between them, arrived at the Kuno mansion for reasons they
could not adequately explain. Then again, why the caprice of the
spell had turned them into teenage doppelgangers of John Steed and
Emma Peel, aka The Avengers, was lower on the adequacy of
explanation scale.

Cologne had fought the effects of transformation as long as she
could, but it finally caught up with her. Actually, there wasn't
much change in appearance except for coloration. A vaguely feminine
Yoda in this case did seem to be appropriate.

Eventually following instincts that were, well, instinctual, the
group all rejoined at the mansion. With little to report except that
the city was basically weirder than usual.

If there had been such a thing as an unbiased observer there he
would not have stayed unbiased for long. The sight before him would
have driven him either to madness or rage against the insanity.

Kuno was talking to Kasumi after borrowing a cigar. Kasumi was
picking up a pork-bun with a claw.

Cologne, Nodoka, Akane, and Luna-P were all attempting to find a
source that would ID Yerburger's location. Akane by Mercury
Computer, Cologne by the Crystal of Leng-khao, Nodoka by attuning to
the Force, and Luna-P by darting from one to the other looking for
similarities.

Mousse and Gosunkugi were discussing weaponry. Mousse liked it
big and bangy, where Gosunkugi was insisting that all one REALLY
needed was a Walther PPK.

Hiroshi and Daisuke were berating Yuka and Sayuri for blowing up
the Tokyo Tower. Said girls were retorting that that happens all the
time anyway, it was ugly in the first place, and anyway it wasn't
their FAULT.

Shampoo was being charmed by the remarkably suave and dashing
Soun and Genma. It was AMAZING how charming a panda with a rapier
could be.

Ukyo and Konatsu were sparring like a pair of barbarian warriors.
Which made sense.

And to keep the crowd's morale up, Ranma had gone into a second
set. There was a LOT of music with the karaoke machine, and although
she preferred the harder stuff, some of the J-pop was okay, and at
least it calmed the crowd.

In other words, even if people weren't themselves-- and they
weren't, quite-- life was sort of going on.

Conversations tended to be somewhat eccentric though.

"Will someone tell Zorro over there to knock it off with the
whip? I'm trying to catch a smoke here, and my Winstons are NOT a
practice target."

"What's Dilithium, and what does it have to do with the karaoke
machine?"

"I have the strangest desire to kiss my horse."

"Sorry, Ranma says she WON'T sing the Happy Happy Joy Joy song.
And that if you ask her again, she'll use that Member II on you."

"Cologne says that until they can get a lock on that wizard the
Martial Artists can't do anything. Well, what she ACTUALLY said was
'Difficult it is to see the Baka. Always in motion is he.' But it
comes to the same thing."

"Hey, Daisuke, wanna see me pull a rabbit out of my hat?"

"AGAIN?"

"bffrfrr mrrph mmm!"

"No, we WON'T untie you, Kodachi."

"Someone move this damn sheep! It keeps getting lost, it's worse
than Ryoga!"

"I have the strangest desire to kiss my horse."

"You too?"

"Want a balloon animal?"

"Me Ichiro. You Jane?"

"When in the winter of our discontent..."

"Nagisa think maybe dress like Shampoo bad idea."

"You and the other six Amazons."

"Attention. To the owner of the Gundam in the parking lot. You
are blocking traffic..."

In other words... if THIS gang catches up with Yerfburger...

####

Meanwhile, said Yerfburger was having somewhat more difficulty
gathering the energy he desired. If he hadn't known better, he would
have thought that the universe was conspiring against him. That was,
of course, impossible, since he was destined to rule the world.

Of course, the universe WAS conspiring against him, and he WASN'T
destined to rule the world, but this writer won't tell him if the
honored readers won't. Let's let it be a surprise.

####

"AHA!"

"A trace you have, Akane?" asked Cologne.

"Hai! A strong energy pulse-- magical energy-- at these
coordinates!"

"Looks right to me-- somehow feels right too," input Luna-P.

"The force is twisted in that direction also," added Nodoka.

"Crystal of Leng-khao will I check." Cologne made certain
magical passes over the oracular stone, and interpreted the runes
that formed under it's surface.

YEP. THAT'S THE PLACE. HAVE FUN.

"Overly casual the crystal is. But place it seems to be."

"Then... Let's go!"

A pause.

"After Ranma finishes this set... there's only two songs and I
LOVE her rendition of the opening theme from the Tenchi Muyo TV
series..."

####

To Be continued with a vengeance...