[ranma][fanfic] Goodbye, Ranma
Steven Scougall
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GOODBYE, RANMA
By Steven Scougall
September 1996
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It's been over a year now, it's been so long, ever since that day, ever
since the day my whole life was changed forever. So long since the day my
Ranma died, leaving me all alone aginst all the harsh evils of the world.
I will never forget him, but... I've been moping around too much... I have
to get on with my life... I have to say goodbye, I have to let him go...
He's dead, nothing will change that. I have to say good-bye to Ranma...
It's so hard. I'd gotten so used to him being around. I suppose I took
him for granted, that he'd always be there, that he'd always win. That if
I was in trouble he'd go through hell for me. No matter how many times I
would hit him over a small misunderstanding, or insult him, he'd never
hold it against me. No matter what he said, all the little things he did -
both of us did - told the truth.
And then there was the battle at Phoenix Mountain, where I was
'dehydrated', and almost died myself. I remember coming to in his arms,
hearing Ranma's voice, wracked with grief and pain, wishing he'd told me
what he never could before. Telling me he loved me. Finally, admitting
the truth we already knew.
Perhaps naively, I'd thought all my troubles were finally over. We both
knew we loved each other. The road was still rocky, we still found it
hard to get along. But things were different, we knew that in the end
we'd be together.
And now he's gone and I'll never find another like him.
* * * * *
Sometimes I still feel like finding Ryoga and beating seven shades of hell
out of him, until he's too hurt to even blink his eyes, and then just
leaving him behind. But then I remember the confused look in his eyes when
faced with the body of Ranma and my rage. I remember all the little things
he's done, and all the times I've seen him at Ranma's grave.
I've never once seen him wearing his bandannas again, after leaving them
for Ranma that day.
But even though all he's done since then - all his sorrow, his grief, his
apologies... He still ruined my life. He took away everything I lived
for, leaving me an empty shell, with nothing more to live for. Saying
sorry will never bring Ranma back. Nothing will bring Ranma back.
The most recent I saw of Ryouga was with Akari, both by Ranma's grave,
just a day ago. I'd been heading to Ranma's grave, as I do so often, just
to be there, to feel that I'm with him again. I'd seen Ryouga and Akari
sitting by Ranma's grave, hands together, both staring solemnly at the
gravestone. My gaze dragged itself to their locked, intertwined hands.
I thought of going to see them, perhaps to talk to them, to walk the rest
of the way to Ranma's grave. But I'd only been looking at them for a
moment before I saw a metallic gleam from their fingers. Their ring
fingers. The sight just stopped me dead, unable to do anything, unable to
move, their... their engagement rings winking back at me as the sun came
out from behind a cloud.
Right there and then I was filled with such an incredible rage, the likes
of which I've never felt before. I felt like breaking every bone in
Ryoga's body for having everything he'd denied me. It would be so easy,
and I'd feel so much better for it...
But... he's found solace, peace perhaps. It's been a long hard road for
him too. And he has Akari - a friend of mine, how can I put her through
the same trauma I've had? How could I myself destroy her happiness.
Standing there, torn and undecided. Not knowing what to do anymore...
And so alone...
Akari looked up and saw me, and said something to Ryouga. He looked up and
stared at me for a long moment. In his eyes... I saw something. Apology
maybe? Grief? Sadness?
That time, it was me who ran away, unable to hold his stare anymore.
* * * * *
Sometimes I think of suicide. I've thought of it before, but I've always
rebelled, it was the fighter in me, it kept me going even though
everything was so bleak. But this time... the fighter has lost her
spirit, her will to keep going. There are some things that can break
anyone and anything.
This time... staring at my face in the mirror, red-eyed, face moistened
with tears, the deepest depression I've ever felt, anger with the whole
world. Everyone keeps telling me they understand how I feel. In the
confines of my own head, I scream, "How could they?"
And worse... years from now, Ranma will be but a few scant fleeting
memories. It happened to my mother, I can *remember* swearing *never* to
forget her, crying my eyes out... and now, here I am, ten years later, and
I can barely remember a *thing* about her. Barely even her face, only an
expression, a feeling of comfort...
In ten years, the same for Ranma? I don't want to forget him, but I know
I will, I'll be close to thirty and I'll be leading a normal life,
married, maybe children, with barely a thought for Ranma. Will I have
said goodbye or will I have forgotten that too?
The idea is so repellent... He was... *NO!* He *is* so important to me...
I look at the bottle of aspirin in my hand. Close to full, more than
enough for suicide. All I have to do is take them all, and swallow...
And then just wait, and hope I'm not found until I'm dead...
Trembling, I tip the bottle and some aspirin slide out, into my other
hand, and just stare at the pills there. It would be so easy...
"AKANE! NO!"
I jerk my head around, almost guiltily, as I see Nabiki in doorway, shock
all over her face.
"Nabiki... what..."
It is just a moment, then Nabiki is there, in front of me, taking the
bottle and the pills from my hand.
"NO! Give them back!"
"Akane, what are you doing? Why this?"
All the resolve I'd built up, the black despair, the deep depression, all
the anger at the world, it all loses its focus, and just drains away,
leaving me empty again. I hardly notice as I drop to the floor, eyes
tearing up again.
"It's Ranma again, isn't it." Not a question, just a flat statement.
Nabiki knows the answer already. "Sis, we all know it's hard for you.
But you're hanging onto the past, you have to let him go."
"I know..." I say distantly, "but it's so hard... every day... so alone...
and he's gone and never coming back..." I start crying again.
She sits down beside me and puts an arm around me. "It tears us all up to
see you like this, sis. You've been like this for more than a year now.
Please, for yourself, for all of us, let it go."
She gives me a quick hug. "We're here for you. You make sure you're here
for us." She holds up the bottle. "Put all ideas of this out of your
head."
* * * * *
At the graveyard, again...
This time it's different. I don't sit or kneel at the foot of Ranma's
grave. I'm nowhere near it this time, just standing away, leaning on a
tree, staring at the grave. To walk towards it, to kneel before it, to
speak to the air and feel as if I'm with Ranma again, if for however
fleetingly...
I could do all that. It would be so easy. Something's stopping me this time.
I can't let him dominate the rest of my waking life, even if I want to. I
have to say goodbye to him, I have to let him go.
I hate the idea, but it's what I have to do. It's what I'm here to do.
Determined, I walk over to his grave. I don't bother sitting or kneeling
this time, I merely stand there, eyes cast down, hands clasped.
"Ranma..."
I pause, trying to find the right words to say.
"Remember when we first saw each other? Properly, I mean. When I walked
in on you in the bath. I hated you on sight. And then I was forcibly
engaged to you, someone I hated and didn't even know.
"Then I grew to know you. And there were so many puzzling things I
ignored. So many little things you did. There were so many puzzling
things I myself did. Before we knew it, we were friends, yet we never
said anything to each other... just kept up the same old routine of
insults and violence... too proud and stubborn to admit to it...
"Ranma, you may have guessed it from all the little things I did and said,
but I'll say it now, I loved - still love you. And now you're gone."
I pause, struggling to get the next words out.
"I still want this to be all a big nightmare, to be able to wake up and
feel you beside me... I don't want to say good-bye to you... I don't
want you to go..."
I sigh. "But you're already gone. Again, I'm being too stubborn to do
what's right.
"Ranma, just before you died, you said you were sorry for everything. I'm
sorry for all this, that it had to be this way.
"I have to go, and I have to leave you. Goodbye Ranma. I'll never forget
you."
And I walk away from his grave, leaving a part of my life behind. It is
time to find another way to go, another path to follow.
(OWARI)
Author's Endnotes
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Thus ends my "Say Goodbye" series of three fanfics. It was a long long
long road to walk, and forced me to exorcise a couple of personal demons
myself.
A couple of the prereaders found they didn't like it very much, feeling it
was too 'real' (in a way). The very first prereader of "It's Time to Say
Goodbye", read through it, and, staring contemplatively at the monitor
screen, said "that's so sad..."
Thanks go to quite a lot of people. I'll list the ones I can remember:
Albert O. Drouart
Martin Bennett
Caroline Ann Seawright
Raphael See, for help with the ending.
Anybody on the FFML who replied
Rado Faletic and Heather Roberts, just for being there.
Standard Things
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Tell me what you think, and a bit of why you think what you think about it
(ie. no messages like "HAHAHAHAHA U SuCk!!!" with no further
explanation.) Writers just *live* to see that little message in the
postbox or in their e-mail, telling them *something* about what they've
written. It tells them that out there, someone cares enough.
All characters in this story are from the anime and manga series Ranma
1/2, and are copyright Rumiko Takahashi, and some big powerful companies
including Shogakukan, and are used here without their permission.
Contacting me... hmmm, what with recent developments, that's the tricky
bit. 10006...@compuserve.com is probably the best to try me at.
However, it's a shared account, so indicate that the message is to Steven
Scougall, at least.
Most of my fanfics can be found at
http://www.geocities.com/tokyo/2262/library.html
Till next our future pathways cross,
Steven Scougall