[Ranma][Fanfic] A Colossal Waste
UkyouKwnji
(We are sitting on stones surrounding the pond in the Tendo dojo
compound, watching the koi as they leap into the air and subside
back into the water. No one seems to be around; it is a peaceful
scene. Something is obviously amiss.
(And a miss shows up presently, although we don't notice her at first;
we're still staring at the activity in the pond, and she has arrived
on the patio, staring out at us. She sets three wooden boxes, each
about 25cm square, down on the patio with a 'clack'. The noise
startles us, and we turn to face her. She speaks, grimly, but
with her ever-present sarcastic tones...)
Nabiki: Come to pay your respects, have you?
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Ukyou Kuonji introduces
yet another Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
A COLOSSAL WASTE
Ranma 1/2 and all characters therein are the property of Rumiko
Takahashi, and are being used without permission.
-----------------------
(Yes, it's Nabiki, the middle Tendo daughter, the financial wizard and
poker player extraordinaire. And right now, that poker face is on...
whether there's a game in progress somewhere is another story. She
notices our confused reaction to her earlier question.)
"You look like you're wondering what's going on, where everyone is.
Guess you're the only ones from Nerima who haven't heard about it.
Then again..." (she peers at us more closely) "I can't say as I
recognize you guys. From out of town, are ya?"
(What choice do we have but the truth? We nod.)
"Figures. You haven't been to the Ucchan or the Neko-Hanten either,
I take it."
(Nope. Sorry.)
"Well..." (Her eyebrow arches, as if trying to decide whether or
not to dispense the information everyone around here is apparently
familiar with, and if so, how much to charge. Her gaze drops to the
three little wooden boxes as she continues to ponder. Finally...)
"Well, if you stick around long enough, you're bound to find out
sooner or later. But I'm probably the only one who could tell the
story without going to pieces about it. I personally can't find it
in me to be so distraught... I just think of it as a colossal waste.
"Most of this has to do with Mrs. Saotome... seems strange not to
be calling her 'Auntie' anymore, but...
"Anyway, Ranma finally got tired of hiding from her, and told her the
truth. Turns out that, for once, his old man" (she moves one of the
boxes with her toe) "was right. His mom went ballistic. Ordered them
to go through with the seppuku ceremony immediately.
"Turns out, either she was a good swordsman, or just that furious, but
when Mr. Saotome balked, she took his head off right then and there.
One swing! Then she allowed (hunh!) Ranma to go through with the full
procedure As Honor Demands. Once she lopped off his head, she fell on
her own sword.
"And that, you might think, was that. Three wasted lives, just like
that. Though in some respects, it's good riddance to bad rubbish.
I don't know what Daddy was thinking when he engaged one of us to one
of the Saotomes... the Saotomes were nothing but poor trash back then,
and still were once Ranma showed up a couple years back. His dad was
nothing but a freeloading bum, and his mom... well, let's just say she
got really scary there at the end. I think she had gone kind of crazy,
to be honest. As for Ranma, well... he was really good at martial arts,
and got tons better over time, but you had to wonder what kinda sensei
he would have been. I already *knew* he was no great shakes with money.
And even if he'd been good, and the dojo would have done great business
again, the damage he and his... acquaintances have done to this place
more than wash out any of the positives his presence might have brought.
"Of course, there were always the cheesecake photos..."
(She looks off into the distance, rather wistfully, Then she shakes
herself, and sits down on the stoop, next to the three boxes. She
gestures toward them.)
"Anyway, that's what we've got here. Of course, it isn't the end of
the story, much as I'd like it to be. There were grief counsellors
at school the next day or two, help people deal with what happened.
But nobody went to see them." (She puffs out her chest) "Hey -- we're
all big, tough martial artists, we can handle this ourselves. So now
the school wastes their money on this shrink nobody sees.
"Kami knows, some folks could have used the help. Kodachi, in fact,
poisoned herself the very next day. And about a week later, Tsubasa
showed up at the dojo, wibbering hysterically. Turns out, Ukyou and
Konatsu had repeated the Saotome's performance, with Ukyou as Ranma
and Konatsu as Nodoka. I guess I can half-understand Ukyou, same as
Kodachi... but Konatsu...? I feel sorry for Ukyou's landlord... he's
got a hell of a mess to clean up, and who's gonna rent a place where
the last proprietor committed suicide?
"The Neko-Hanten's boarded up, and no one really wants to find out
what's happening or has happened there; but nobody's seen hide nor
hair of Shampoo, Cologne... or Mousse, for that matter."
"So now we got six corpses that *somebody's* gotta deal with. We've
contacted the Kuonjis... and that wasn't easy, either. Kansai's a
big place; three or four prefectures, three major cities. Took all
my contacts a couple days to track 'em down. They've said they'll
take care of Ukyou and Konatsu. I think they thought the two of them
were lovers. Naturally, Kodachi's been buried somewhere on the Kuno
estate. So that leaves us with the Saotomes. And I figured we'd
spent enough money and effort on them while they lived here, why
waste that much more on them now? I had 'em cremated, and we're
gonna put 'em by those flowers by the side of the pond, between
those two big rocks." (She indicates a spot)
"Daddy and Akane are total wrecks -- what, you didn't think she cared?
Come *on*. Just because she didn't slit her own throat or something
like that doesn't mean she didn't love him. She's got more sense than
that. But she's really hurting. Kasumi's upset, too, but not so's
you'd notice. Always the strong yet feminine one, after all.
"As for me? I'm just angry. And y'know, I don't even know who to
be madder at: Mr. Saotome, for making all those stupid promises he
couldn't possibly keep, Mrs. Saotome, for *holding* him to the worst
promise of all, *completely* unconcerned about the wider consequenses...
or Daddy, for bringing Ranma and the heap of trouble and expense that
went with him down upon us.
Here (she tosses a shovel to each of us), y'might as well get started.
I'm gonna go take a bath... wash my hands and everything else of those
idiots. (her voice fades as she walks off to the bathroom) Honor... bah!
(Solemnly, we begin digging. As the Kami leads us, we find ourselves
wishing the spirits of the unfortunate Saotomes well in whatever the
afterlife may hold for them. A prayer for Ukyou and Konatsu, and even
a pleasant wish for Kodachi... may peace attend them as it has not in
this world.
(A careless followthrough with a shovel upsets one of the boxes. A
terrific stench envelopes us, and we scramble to return the contents
to the box, and close the lid. We reach down...
(..and find ourselves shovelling rotten sushi?)
***
(Back inside, Nabiki passes the kitchen, from where Kasumi calls out
to her.)
Kasumi: Nabiki, did you take care of those boxes of sushi from last
week's party?
Nabiki: Yeah, I've composted them by the rock garden. So when *are*
the others getting back from their training trip, anyway?
Kasumi: Father and Uncle Saotome said it would be three weeks that
they'd be gone.
Nabiki: Fine. So we've got two weeks to get the fellow out to repair
the refrigerator. They'd be pretty peeved to find out the thing was
broken and we didn't have any food for them once they got back.
Kasumi: Yes, and we lost a lot as it was, I'm afraid. I already called,
and they'll be sending someone out on Friday.
Nabiki: April 3, huh? Okay, so... two more days of dried food, or go
out to the market each day. Oh, well...
========================
Hiya, everyone!
I hope no one got *too* bent outta shape by this little pre-April Fool's
Day prank. This actually started as a serious worst-case, Shakespearean-
fifth-act, everybody-winds-up-mincemeat story, but the Grand Guginol that
Nabiki was describing got both so horrific and yet so predictable that it
needed something to take the edge offa both. I did think I dropped a
few hints... 'waste', 'trash', 'rubbish'...
I realize the switch between script and monologue format is a bit abrupt,
but it seemed a bit awkward to start every paragraph during her narrative
with "Nabiki: ", since we all *knew* she was doing the talking. Lemme
know whatcha think: write me at
I'll even accept flames... hell, this is as close to an honest-to-Kami
spamfic I've ever written; I probably deserve all the vitriol y'can
dish out. Please, no death threats, though... I kill myself in too
many fanfics as it is, ne?
Itsu mo,
Ucchan ^_^