[Ranma][FanFic] Biker 1/2 chapter 6
Calum Wallace
Ah! That was it! It's... It's... aw damn I've forgotten again. Bugger.
Beware, this fic contains MAJOR quantities of swearing.
Words in "<this>" kind of brackets are spoken in Cantonese.
Chapter 6: I seen your mummy
"Every time I make my mother cry an angel dies and falls from heaven" -
Marilyn Manson, 靴ryptorchid'
************************************
Ranma scratched his arse for a while then sat up. He fished out a cigarette,
fished his lighter out and lit up.
Shampoo was already awake. She watched him carefully as he puffed away,
pausing to spit in the ashtray.
"Mornin', Shampoo. Wanna smoke?"
She shook her head. "I not smoke."
"Fair enough." He tapped ash off the cig.
Akane opened her eyes. "I hate fucking Mondays."
"Could be worse - could be a lot worse."
"Do you reckon Nabiki had enough blackmail material to stop Kuno?"
"Dunno - Ryoga's still translatin' all that shit we got offa her laptop.
Stupid of her to use the same decryption key all through."
"Yeah - I would've though she'd think to use multiple keys."
"Maybe she's gotten a shite memory."
"Nabiki's got total recall."
"Let's get up."
They pulled on their clothes in silence. Akane made a face. "I feel sick."
"You gonna stay home?"
She shook her head. "I'm sure it'll settle down once I get some food inside
me."
Ranma shrugged. "Your call." He headed downstairs with the girls hard behind
him.
************************************
Kasumi looked up from where she was just putting food onto the table.
"Like, mornin' dudes. What was it with that kinda racket you lot were doin'
last night and the night before and the night before that?"
Ranma snorted. "Not your problem. Let's just say we wuz havin' a bit o'
fun."
Kasumi shrugged. "Like, whatever. Well, grub's kinda up, man."
Genma and Soun ambled into the room. Soun was in the process of cleaning his
teeth. Nabiki was already at the table - she was reading something off her
laptop.
Ryoga was sat across the table from her, busily writing something. She
snapped her notebook shut.
"Food? Great - I've been translating since six this morning."
Nabiki looked up. "What're you translating?"
"Some stuff a mate of mine - I think he's American - gave me. It's all in
English."
"Oh. Right. So you speak English, huh?"
"Fluently. Hell, I speak quite a few languages."
"Er - how many?"
"Two hundred and fifty six. And I can make myself understood in another
three hundred and twelve or so. I can read Chinese, any romanic or cryllic
and a few others pretty well."
Ranma snorted. "If it's written Ryoga can probably read it. If it's spoken
Ryoga can probably understand it."
Nabiki nodded slowly. "Hmm - interesting. I have several documents I have
been unable to find a translator for - a local dialect of Scottish Gaelic, I
believe. Ryoga, can I trust you not to spread information?"
Ryoga nodded. "You're family. Of course I'm not gonna shit on you!"
Nabiki paused. She looked at Ranma, Akane and Shampoo. All three were
nodding. She looked back at Ryoga's serious expression.
"Okay. How soon can you start work?"
"I'll do it during English class today - I'm gonna get top marks at any rate
even if I don't do any work whatsoever."
Nabiki nodded. "How much do you want for it?"
"What? Nabiki, you're family. Don't talk bullshit!"
"You'll do it for nothing?"
"Of course!"
Ranma chuckled. "Nabiki, like Ryoga said - you're family. Family've gotta
stick together, see?"
************************************
The two bikes pulled up in the schoolyard. There was no sign of Kuno, but
his friends were there.
Ranma let the girls off then locked up his bike. He stared at the Kendo
crew.
"So wadda ya fuckwits want?'
The lead Kendoist growled from behind his mask.
"You weirdoes beat up Mr. Kuno."
"Aye, and the fuckhead was askin' fer it."
Shampoo smiled nastily and drew her katana - four feet of razor sharp
chemically blackened steel.
"It not good move for to fuck with we."
Akane put her hand inside her trenchcoat. "Yeah! Lay off of us or we'll
start killing people!" She drew her .44 and glared down the gunsights at the
mob.
Ranma sighed and pulled out his length of chain. Ryoga shrugged and tugged a
three foot adjustable wrench out of the sheath on her back.
"I think it's time to put a spanner in the works, huh?" She tossed the
spanner up and caught it neatly in her other hand then belted the bicycle
shelter roof with it leaving a foot deep dent in the corrugated iron.
Ranma shrugged. "So are you dumbclucks stupid enough to fuck with us?"
Nabiki stepped out of the school doorway.
"Excuse me, gentlemen. I happen to have heard that one of you pukes slashed
my little sister? Hmm, let me see - between you you owe me at least a
quarter of a million yen. Hmm - and I know what you lot did last year.
Perhaps you would like to examine some of my photo collection?"
Akane stared. Nabiki was blackmailing those guys when she had nothing to
gain from it?
The Kendo crowd stared. Their apparent leader shook his head.
"What the hell are you going on about?"
"Christmas party. Sex. Telephoto lens."
"ohfuck..."
"Now sod off unless you want her parents to know."
"ohfuckohfuckohfuck!"
Nabiki pulled a photograph out of her pocket and held it out to them. The
whole Kendo club went pale and legged it.
She laughed, pocketed the photograph and turned to Ranma and the gang.
"Now we're quits, eh Ryoga?"
Ranma shook his head. "No. Now I owe you one."
"Ranma, you are as Ryoga pointed out family."
"Hey - if ya no mind me askin' - how th' hell'd that photo scare them dicks
so much?"
Nabiki sniggered. "Gang-bang. Kuno bought the girl off. But her folks don't
know."
"And let me guess - ya were waitin' with a camera?"
"I heard the row and snuck up. Had my telephoto lens - so I got real good
detail. Fifteen photos. That's the Kendo club got out of the way fourteen
more times."
Akane frowned. "They gang raped this girl?"
Nabiki shrugged. "Dunno - but I later saw Kuno giving her a large amount of
money. I interviewed her and she told me that her parent's didn't know what
had happened. She's the local underage slut. And her father's a cop."
"Ouch."
************************************
Mr. Matsui looked up as his rowdiest and best pupil charged into the room.
"Mornin' Teach. How's tricks?"
"Good morning, Mr. Saotome. I suspect you'll enjoy today - we're starting
the mechanics class this morning."
Ranma grew a wide grin. "Don't be surprised if I already know everything."
"Oh yeah? Why's that?"
"You've seen Ryoga's bike. I built it - outta scrapyard parts. I built my
own bike the same way - when I was eight. I've scratchbuilt seven other
bikes and two trikes outta junk, I've fixed up forty-odd cars from dead to
fully road legal. Yeah, i know the whole nine yards. Hell, I'm plannin' on
doin' engineerin' in uni."
Matsui smiled happily. "Glad to hear it, Mr. Saotome."
He looked from Ranma to the other three. His smile immediately turned into a
frown. "And where have you been the last few days, young lady?"
Shampoo shot him a confused look. "What?"
"Er, teach - she's not Shan. She's Shampoo. Totally different person."
"Ranma not be enunciate I name correct - I name be Xian Pu." Shampoo spoke
very fast indeed. Matsui paused to work out what she meant. "Ah. Sorry."
"Is not be trouble... Call I Shampoo - is easier for japanese-type person
for to enunciate."
"Xian Pu, that's pronounce." Ryoga pointed out.
"Huh? You is enun- pronounce I name proper?"
Ryoga nodded. "<I'm fully fluent in Cantonese - unlike my little brother.>"
"Ryoga - any chance of speakin' Japanese ya show-off?"
"I'm planning to help Xian Pu learn Japanese, bro."
"That be much aid."
"The word's help, Xian Pu."
Matsui sighed. "Okay, okay. Shampoo, sit with Ryoga. That way she can help
you with your Japanese."
Shampoo nodded. "Is be good ploy."
Matsui realised he was developing a headache.
************************************
Ranma had a wide grin as they headed out of the classroom. He was as high as
a kite - answering questions before Matsui had a chance to had been fun.
The English lesson that afternoon had been downright dull since he spoke the
language fluently. Better than the English teacher in fact - at least he had
been able to make sarcastic remarks about other people's pronunciation.
He climbed onto his bike and shoved a tape into the stereo. The rear
suspension crouched as the girls climbed on behind him.
He passed the long belt around them and buckled it into place, shoved the
key into the ignition, flipped the kill switch to run and thumbed the
starter.
The bike grunted into life and spat a thin jet of dirty black smoke out of
one exhaust. Ranma pulled a face and fiddled with the carbs for a moment.
The smoke cleared up and he nodded satisfiedly.
He pulled in the clutch and tapped the gearshift with his toe. The box let
out a sharp chunk and he tugged back slightly on the throttle. The engine
grunted, lifting dust from the pavement. Ranma gunned the engine a couple of
times, keeping one eye on the temperature gauge. It edged up as he revved
the bike.
Satisfied that the engine had warmed up nicely, he flipped off the choke and
started to let out the clutch. He could take off without letting it warm up,
but the engine was happier this way.
He lent hard over and out of the gates. Other kids on their 125's pulled
aside to let him through. He nodded cheerfully at them, grinning from behind
his lid.
Then they were out on the road. Ryoga's bike popped out of the driveway,
appearing hard on his tail. He flicked the supercharger on and gassed the
engine. The front wheel popped up in a 45 degree wheelie. He let it down
well before the corner and changed up into second. Clutch in and off the
gas, kick gearshift, drop clutch and gas it again. A massive thud behind him
told him Ryoga had just hit the afterburners. He chuckled and thumbed the
nitrous trigger.
The back wheel spun up, jetting shattered tarmac and blue smoke. The scenery
went into fast forwards.
He let the back wheel slide out around the corner, it's spikes clawing
wildly at the road. Smashed tarmac rattled off the buildings like buckshot.
A fireball appeared in his wing mirror with Ryoga's bike attached to the
front.
Ranma grinned toothily. It didn't come any better than this.
************************************
As the two bikes thundered onto the street the Tendo's house was on they got
their first look at what was going on. An eighteen-wheeler articulated lorry
tractor unit was sat outside the house.
Ranma frowned as he skidded his bike to a halt in the driveway. He switched
off and let the girls off the bike then sauntered over to the truck and
began examining it.
"Kenworth tractor."
Akane joined him as Ryoga pulled up. "Nodoko Saotome Express Haulage." she
read off the side of the truck.
Ranma frowned. "Nodoko Saotome? Mum?"
"Your mother, right?"
He nodded. "Yeah! Come on - let's get inside! Funny - she didn't look much
like a trucker the way I remember her..."
The four youths barged into the house. All yelling.
They found Soun and Genma chatting with a small woman who was dressed in a
massive blue boiler suit and heavy safety boots.
Ranma stared at her.
"Mum?"
She stared back. "Ranma?"
Mother and son spent a few moments staring at each other, each one of them
trying to equate what they saw with what they remembered.
"I dunno what ta say, Mum."
"Me neither."
"Just one thing - how in fuck did ya end up drivin' a truck?"
"It's fun and I need the money."
Kasumi handed Ranma a beer. He grinned and opened it. "Thanks."
"Like, no bother man." She ambled back into the kitchen.
Ranma took a large swig of beer. "Ahh - clears yer throat."
Nodoko nodded and held up her own can. "I'll drink to that."
They clinked their cans. At which point sod's law came into play and Ranma's
beer went mental. It exploded upwards in a huge shower of foam and booze and
hit him square in the face.
She shook beer out of her hair. "Fuckin' curse! Just my fuckin' luck! Waddya
know? Duckponds, downpours, janitors, exploding beercans, fuckin' typical!"
Nodoko stared. "What the hell?"
"A fuckin' curse I picked up a couple o' months back in China. Cold water -
curry - beer - or whatever, if I get splashed with it I change sex. Hot
water changes me back. It sucks ta hell."
Nodoko kept staring. "Is this for real?"
"Hey, Kasumi - couldja get us some hot water?" Ranma turned back to her
mother. "Ya should see Dad." She chucked some of her beer over Genma.
"A fuckin' panda."
"Wh-wh-h-HOW?"
"Magic. Shit, huh? It's alright fer some - like Ryoga - but it's shit."
Nodoko turned to Genma.
"You... you... you IDIOT! How could you let this happen!"
Kasumi handed Ranma a glassful of hot water. "Like, here ya go man!"
"Thanks." Ranma sloshed some over herself then his father.
"There ya go, old prick. Hey presto, yer human again."
Genma groaned. "Thanks, son. Goddamnit I hate this fuckin' curse!"
"Who don't - well, apart from Ryoga."
Nodoko sat down heavily. "This is terrible!"
"It's more shit than a Calcutta sewer."
"Ranma, you don't get it. I mean, how can you? Genma, how could you? How
could you stand by and let this happen?"
"Mum, mind explainin' what th' fuck yer goin' on about?"
Nodoko fished around in her pocket then pulled out a thoroughly folded piece
of paper. "There the fucking thing is." She handed it to Ranma.
He read it. "What the fuck is this bullshit?"
Genma groaned. "Nodoko, don't you get it? Ranma hates his curse. Ranma is a
guy. Ranma is heterosexual."
Ranma flung the piece of paper onto the table and blew his lid.
"All of which means bugger all! I ain't gonna kill myself over some fuckhead
promise that overstuffed lump o' boke made ten years back! I don't know who
ya two fuckheads are foolin' - yerselves? I mean, come on - which o' ya
cunts could hold me down long enough ta make me gut myself?"
Akane exploded. "What the fuck are you going on about?"
"It seems that fuckin' PANDA promised Mum that if I didn't end up what he
calls 径 man among men' both o' us'd commit seppuku - just what the fuck are
ya on? I gotten stuff ta live for! I'm a fuckin' BLOKE ya fuckwit!"
Shampoo decided to explode. "What this crap be?"
But Ranma cut her off with his continued swearing. "Motherfuckin' crazy!
You're motherfuckin' crazy if you think I'm gonna fall for that freeze-dried
stone age bullshit! He ripped his jacket off and flung it on the table then
tossed his T-shirt after it. This revealed his extremely hairy chest.
"D'ya see a girl here? Nah! Because there's a fuckin' self - propelled
mullet here, d'ya get my drift?" He grabbed his own crotch. "An' how about
here?"
Nodoko exploded. "Do you mean you don't know the meaning of honour, you
twit?"
"Honour? Why am I supposed ta give a shit about that decayin' crap? This is
1998 ya fuckwit! When did yer 敬onour' last matter fer bullshit? World War
fuckin' Two, before the Yanks kicked our asses an' fuckin' nuked us, that's
when!"
There was a shocked silence.
"Ranma, listen to me for five fucking seconds!"
"Alright."
Nodoko prepared herself to rant. "Look here, a promise is a promise and much
as I don't like the idea-"
"FUCK YOU! Ya know where ya can put that fuckin' bit o' paper? Up yer arse
where th' sun don't shine!"
"Ranma! I do not need to be spoken to in that manner!"
"Oh yeah and why not? Because ya want to gut me? Aye right - th' last dick
who wanted ta do that's in twenty odd bits across th' scenery! I only gotten
one life. This ain't no computer game an' it ain't no fuckin' comic book,
there ain't no comin' back fer a second go an' ya can go fuck yerself!"
Akane sighed. "This has gone far enough." She shoved her hand into her
trenchcoat pocket and pulled out her .44, cocked it and levelled it at
Nodoko's head. "You are not gonna come anywhere near my boyfriend with that
継romise' his fat fuck father made. Because I don't give a flying fuck what
you want, and by the sound of it neither does Ranma. We're going to marry,
we're going to do it by our own terms and you are not going to do anything
to get in the way. Nobody - absolutely fucking NOBODY - messes with my
man!!"
There was a polite cough from the doorway. Nabiki looked around the crowd.
"Akane, where the hell did you get that?"
"I made it."
"Ah, that's why you wanted to use my internet connection, huh?"
Nodoko stared at Akane. "A gun? Is that thing real?"
Akane turned and fired through the window, shattering it and blasting a rock
to pieces in the process.
"No prizes for guessing."
Shampoo pulled her Makarov out. "Maybe I shall for join facedown?"
Ryoga idly got up and walked over to beside them.
"Come on, Nodoko. I always did know you were stupid but isn't this taking it
a bit far? I'm the 憩ffeminate' one, not Ranma. And anyway, where do you get
off dictating what is and is not manly? Take a good look at yourself -
you're not exactly a paragon of feminine virtue, you grease - encrusted
trucker you!"
Akane nodded. "I happen to be bisexual so I'm a better judge than Ryoga. You
look like a roadie and I'd guess at first look that you were a lesbian."
Ranma snorted. "We've said our piece, Mother dear. Ya said yer piece an' th'
girls have pulled their pieces - now how about gettin' fucked?"
Nabiki sighed. "Nodoko, Ranma is about the least camp person I have ever
met. Even taking his curse into account. Now, I happen to know you'd have to
kill Akane and Shampoo to get at him, and I also happen to know he'd kill
absolutely anybody who even tried that. So I strongly suggest that you lay
the hell off of my future brother in law before things get nasty."
Nodoko shook her head. "But family honour dictates-"
"Take yer 掲amily honour' crap an' blow it outta yer exhausts, Mum. I am not
gonna kill myself. I am not gonna let ya do it. Akane and Shampoo sleep with
guns on 憩m so that rules out tryin' anythin' funny at night. So give it
up!"
"Akane and Shampoo?"
Ranma nodded. "Akane is my girlfriend and we've already set a weddin' date.
And I'm also married to Shampoo under a completely different set o' laws."
Nodoko paused then picked up the famous piece of paper. She grabbed her
lighter.
"Now that," she stated, "Is what I call manly!"
She set fire to the contract and dropped the ash in the fireplace.
"Good riddance. Now, I've got a load to take up north - when is your wedding
set?"
"Er - um - ah - Sunday. We decided last night."
"Excellent. That fits in perfectly - I don't work weekends. I have to pick
up car parts in Osaka tomorrow then fifty tons of sheet steel the day
after... let's see. I'm free to help with arrangements from Thursday."
Ranma snorted. "Sound's like a life in the fast lane."
"Yep." Nodoko grinned. "Just the way I like it. My jam-boy is real effective
- he needs to be."
"Jam-boy?"
"Yes, he drives like a raging twat to distract the cops so I can go through
at full speed. I had a 37,000 brake horsepower railway locomotive engine
fitted to my truck - 憩xpress' really does mean 窪xpress' when you're
talking about me."
"Thirty-seven thousand brake horse? Fuckin' hell!"
Nodoko grinned again. "Top speed around 150 fully laden. Nought to sixty in
around six seconds if I'm on the ball with the gearshift. I can run a load
the length of Japan in under half a day. I normally carry emergency supplies
to factories who've had a muckup in their delivery schedule."
"Ya should fit an airshifter."
"Oh, I'm saving up for one. I've got a sixteen speed box."
Ranma scratched his jaw. "Hmm - don't go fittin' any off the shelf crap,
Mum. I can put together a real good shifter fer ya - give me the truck fer
two days and it'll be sorted."
"Two days?"
"Yeah - hey, you got it turboed or blown?"
"Turbo diesel."
"Right. I'll rig ya a supercharger - then you'll really need that
airshifter."
"A blower? Won't that cost a fortune?"
"Not a hand made one. Fifty kilos o' aircraft-quality alloy, a sportsbike
crank an' some bits an' shits an' job's a good 蛍n."
Nodoko slowly shook her head. "Amazing. Absolutely amazing."
"Ha - ya ain't seen Ryoga's jetbike. I built it outta wrecks an' a Bell
helicopter engine then rigged afterburners onta it."
"Afterburners? On a motorbike? You're crazy!"
"But damn is it worth it!"
On to the next episode, fellow hairstyles!
NOTES
Hmm, didn't take Nodoko long to be dissuaded from extracting Ranma's
entrails.
Next - wedding preparation alert and some very turbulent thinking for
Nabiki.
C and C very welcome, please either send it to dog...@ratbike.org or post
it on rec.arts.anime.fandom (which seems to be the accepted route anyway.)
Please don't send it to the virgin.net account as I am about to change ISP.
Well, it sure has been bloody cold here in Bonnie Scotland just lately -
roads closed all over the place, the truckies getting turned back left right
and centre, fones getting screwed up by the cold - egads. But then, we are
further north than Warsaw so I suppose we should be glad we don't get more
of it...
A mate of mine's nearly killed himself three times just lately - first
writing his car off via black ice, then losing control of a Transit van and
sliding backwards about forty feet with an eighty foot drop off at the side,
then spinning the same van. In heavy traffic. The guy's lucky to be alive,
but again that's what you get if you're a White Van Man and the County
Council don't have enough snowploughs.
Sayonara and all that, I'll see you later once I've defrosted my fingers.
Calum 慧oghead' Wallace
GLOSSARY OF TERMS
Ratbike - A motorbike made to look as fucked up and unroadworthy as possible
while still being street legal. Normally painted flat black.
Honda CG125 - Small single - cylinder 4-stroke road bike. Not very much of
anything but supremely reliable and dirt cheap. It's reliability stems from
having very little to go wrong and a low - revving 4-stroke engine.
Honda Fireblade - Insane Honda sportsbike. Mad but beginning to show it's
age.
Supercharger - A pump driven off the crank that forces more air into the
engine thus forcing it to run faster.
Nitrous oxide - Laughing gas. A petrol - nitrous mix burns faster than a
petrol - air mix therefore produces more horsepower and more wear in the
engine.
Top yoke - The yokes are two pieces of metal that hold the front forks
together and to the bike. The top yoke is the upper one. Known as triple
clamps in the US.
Gixer - Slang for a Suzuki GSXR (one of the craziest bikes built).
Chain lube - Motorbike chain lubrication oil.
Header tank - Tank that contains the spare water for the radiator on a
sealed cooling system as found in most cars.
Gasflowing - trimming off excess metal from inside the cylinder heads to aid
the burn rate of fuel within the engine. Gives a small horsepower boost.
Final drive - the drive chain that goes from the gearbox to the back wheel
and the cogs (final drive sprockets) that it runs on.
Conrod - The bit of metal that connects the piston to the crankshaft.
Alternator - Higher tech version of a generator.
Kill switch - The engine's 経ff' switch. Turns off power to the ignition.
Lid / skidlid - Slang for a crash helmet.
250 Superdream - CB250. The next up the Honda model range from the CG125 and
just a bigger version of the same.
500 Superdream - CB500. A CB250 with a bigger bore and heavier frame.
Engine clicking - An internal combustion engine heats up when run. Run it
hard and it heats up more, then when you switch off the engine will start
emitting a series of sharp clicks as the metal cools and contracts.
Stocker - unmodified factory - built vehicle.
Binned - crashed. Normally means written off.